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Dear Bossip: I’m Trying To Get A Divorce, But He’s On The Run From The Law

Posted on June 1, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , The past two years have been life changing. I’ve never been in drama until I met my husband. So, my soon-to-be ex-husband came home from jail and right off the back it was drama. He was cheating and lying and I found out every time. I searched his phone, and I know that is wrong, but when a man constantly accuses me of cheating I wonder what are you doing that you keeping pointing fingers at me. Now, we broke up got back together each time. He would beg for me to come back and I was stupid of course because I felt because we were married. It’s not so easy to just walk away. So, the real drama happens when I actually catch him cheating. She asks who am I and I respond that I’m his pregnant wife. He then says she’s not my wife and she’s not pregnant, and if she is pregnant it’s not mines. Then they both tried to jump me. Thank God I can fight because I held my own and made sure I protected my son. Now, I wasn’t shocked he denied me. I could care less. I had already asked him for a divorce. My issue is how can you deny your son for a woman you don’t know? Fast forward, my dumb ass took him back because he kept talking about raising our son together because that’s something neither one of us had growing up. So, I took him back. Two weeks pass and I wasn’t really feeling it so we split on a mutual terms. I asked him to move out my house and he was taking his sweet time. I didn’t care, but once I saw the photo up on Valentine’s Day with the same woman he tried to jump me while I was pregnant, I cut up all his clothes and put it down stairs. He called the police and had me locked me up. Which I felt was a sucker move because I paid for all those clothes anyways. He admitted to using me so I destroyed everything I brought him. Hell, let that chick you’re with buy you clothes. It was very childish I know, but I was 5 months pregnant and done with him. Two weeks after he locks me up he begs me to come back home. Things got really ugly. I was furious. This man used to beat on me and I never did even act like I was going to call the police. But, you locked me up while I’m 5 months pregnant with your son. Okay cool. My whole pregnancy he threatened to kill me. Him and that woman would try to terrorize me, but the truth is they not built like me. They are all bark, but me I bite. But, I kept my cool because that’s not what I want my son to see. So, I let them talk. I gave birth and now he is trying to get back with me again. Yet, again, I’m a sucker so I take him back. But, now I find out he is doing credit card fraud and he’s on the run for a domestic violence charge from another woman, not the same woman we have been beefing about. I tired to convince him to turn himself in and he cursed me out. The way I see it is if he is on the run he can’t help me with my son and I’m not willing to risk my child’s safety and have him around a fugitive. He calls and gets angry with me because I refuse to let him take my son. I explained to him that if you get stopped by the cops with my son they taking my son and I’m not putting him through that. And, another issue is you’re stealing people credit information and that’s wrong. I don’t want to raise my son around a criminal. I told him if you turn yourself in and get back on the right path you can be in your son’s life, but me and you are done. I played the fool for too long and I won’t have my son thinking this is how women should be treated. I will never take him back. The last straw was when the same woman that we beef about started sending threatening emails to me. She was threatening my son. Now, I know this punk is not built like that she is just trying to get me upset so I can come see her. She is trying to get me locked up because the first time I bust that ass. She told me that I’m lucky my husband calmed her down because she was going to call the cops. Whatever! The point is she shouldn’t be sending me those things. I forward him the emails showing him this is what she is doing. He admitted that he could never be with her because she would try to hurt our son to get back at him. He even witnessed her throw her dog by the neck across the room because she was mad at him. So, despite all this, once he realized I wouldn’t take him back and do a second bid with him and I refuse to go check on him in jail and pay his lawyer fees, he decides to go back with this woman. I don’t care what woman he decides to be with, but why would you want to be with a woman who threatens to harm your son? So, after that I washed my hands. It’s been 7 months and he doesn’t see my son and we have no communication. We spoke last week for the first time and he called me a bad mother. I provide for my child. I work hard and I keep a roof over my son’s head, and food on the table. And, most important, I’m the one spending quality time with him and educating him. My son is 10 months and he has a six word vocabulary already because I take the time and I make sure education is first in my household. Meanwhile, my husband is running around with two warrants out for his arrest, stealing people’s credit information to get fly, and running around with some woman who’s doing it with him. And, I’m supposed to be okay with it and trusting my son’s future in his hands. Am I wrong for keeping my son away from his dad? My worst fear is my son becoming like his father. I want more for him. I’m already in court working on full custody and also working on getting a divorce, but it’s difficult when you can’t locate the other spouse. Please give me advice. – So Over Him Dear Ms. So Over Him , This hot ghetto mess is truly a hot ghetto mess! You were pregnant and fighting with some random woman that your husband is having an affair with. You were going through all this drama with him including many other women he’s been stepping out with. You and he were fighting and separating and getting back together, despite you knowing what he was doing. Then, you and he were fighting and you cut up his clothes. And, now he’s doing credit card fraud and has warrants out for his arrest, but won’t turn himself in and he is a fugitive of the law. And, on top of it all he had you locked up while you were five months pregnant. SMDH! I’m surprised you didn’t have a hard pregnancy. I find it shocking and saddening that you are able to have a moral and ethical reasoning regarding him doing credit card fraud and you don’t want him around your son because of his fraudulent behavior and the risks he puts your son in by wanting to spend time with him. And, you want him to turn himself in and to turn his life around. Also, you don’t want your child around him and his behavior. Which I completely understand why you don’t want him around your son. But, let me get this straight. You were fighting with another woman while you were pregnant. You constantly fought with your husband. He’s treated you like crap. How he treats you and the things he continues to do you, yet, you allow him to come back into your life every time. Uhm, ma’am, your behavior, and your actions are just as complicit in this drama. So, where is your moral and ethical reasoning regarding yourself? Why do you allow him to treat you the way that you do? He’s philandering and sleeping around, and you know about it! The other woman is contacting you, and you’re fighting with her instead of putting your husband in check. But, this whole ghetto bird drama of him and his mistress wanting to jump you is just too much! Why didn’t you call the police? Why didn’t you get restraining orders against your husband and his mistress? Since they were terrorizing you, and making threats toward you, then you could have gone to the police. But, instead, you wanted to take matters in your own hands. What the hell? I don’t understand this. Look, you’re doing right by going to court and working toward gaining full custody of your child. Also, the fact that you are working on getting a divorce. But, why are you stressing over when and how to find him? If he has warrants out for his arrest, and they are looking for him, trust and believe that he will eventually be caught. All his crimes will catch up with him, and the police will find him. So, sit back and let him run his course. Stop stressing over it. Stop worrying about it. He is going to slip up and he will be back behind bars. Once he is locked up, then he will be sitting in jail for a while, and you can proceed with family court, and divorce court. In the meantime, you should gather all your documents to present in court against him. The letter that his mistress/girlfriend sent you, you should present it in court. Also, I recommend going to the police and getting a restraining order against her. You have proof that she made threats against you and your son. Once you’re divorced, let him be out of your life for good. Don’t visit him. Don’t write him. Don’t help with any legal fees. Don’t take his calls. Let him go! He will try everything to get back with you, and plead, even cry. Don’t fall for it. Re-read this letter and think of everything he has put you through. All the drama. All the stress. All the aggravation. He is not worth it, or you. In regards to your child, he will be in jail for a while, so spending time and being part of your child’s life won’t happen. He didn’t think about his behavior and how this would impact him being a part of his son’s life. He wasn’t thinking of his child while he was running the streets, and now caught up in credit card fraud. Now, he wants to be a father and be part of his child’s life. Obviously, he doesn’t have a lot of intelligence and smarts. How the hell can he call you up and ask to spend time with his child, but he has warrants out for his arrest? He is truly not the brightest. And, to think you married him. (Sips tea) Take this time to focus on you. Worry about you and your son. Continue to provide for him, care for him, and keep him in a positive learning environment. Work on learning how to love yourself, and be good to yourself. Take the time to heal from this relationship so that you don’t choose another man like the one you’re leaving. Learn from this relationship in order that you can grow and become a better woman, and a better person. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I’m Trying To Get A Divorce, But He’s On The Run From The Law

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John Travolta to Scientology Critics: Go Read a Book!

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

One of the most famous Scientologists of them all has spoken out in defense of his religion. During an appearance today on Good Morning America, John Travolta was asked about the attacks against Scientology that have become prevalent since HBO aired the scathing documentary Going Clear. And he replied by echoing what Will Smith once said about parents: these critics just don’t understand. “People really need to take time and read a book…that’s my advice,” Travolta said. “You could read New Slant on Life or Dianetics, and I think if you really read it, you’ll understand it. “But unless you do, you’ll speculate, and I think it’s a mistake to do that.” Travolta has practiced Scientology for our four decades. Along with Tom Cruise, with whom  Travolta is allegedly feuding , the Pulp Fiction actor is considered the face of the movement. “You know, 40 years for me I’ve been part [of Scientology], and I’ve loved every minute of it,” Travolta added. “My family’s done so well with it, and it’s a beautiful thing for me. I’ve saved lives with it and saved my own life several times.” The aforementioned HBO movie claims that when Travolta was once going to quit the religion, the church of Scientology threatened him and his family with a “black PR package,” something that included “damaging material” from taped sessions during which he shared intimate life details. It’s safe to assume these had something to do with the rumors that Travolta is gay . The veteran star, however, maintains that he hasn’t “experienced anything the hearsay has claimed.” View Slideshow: 17 Celebrity Scientologists

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Cissy Houston: Pushing Bobby Brown to Remove Bobbi Kristina’s Life Support?

Posted on April 16, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Following his first public appearance since his daughter was found unconscious in her bathtub back in January, Bobby Brown rushed back to Bobbi Kristina’s bedside in order to supervise her care and pray for a miracle. Krissi’s prognosis remains grim, yet Bobby has repeatedly delayed the decision to remove her from life support in hopes that she’ll defy the odds and regain consciousness. The burden rests entirely on Bobby’s shoulders, and he seems to have no plans of giving up on his only daughter., However, other members of the family are beginning to come to terms with the fact that Krissi will almost certainly never recover, and sources say they’ve begun pushing Brown to remove her life support . In a recent interview, Cissy Houston stated that there’s “not a great deal of hope” for Bobbi Kristina, and she hinted that she’s already begun the grieving process.  It seemed as though Cissy was eager for her troubled granddaughter to finally be at rest, and resented Bobby’s decision to prolong her vegetative state. But there are sources close to the family who believe that Cissy and the other Houstons may have an ulterior motive in encouraging to Bobby to remove life support. Is is believed that after the death of Whitney Houston , Bobbi Kristina inherited her entire $20 million fortune. Currently, that money is being used to cover Krissi’s astronomical medical bills. If she passes, the inheritance will be divided up amongst the other members of the Houston family. Needless to say, Bobby may have ample reason to be skeptical of the advice that he’s receiving from Cissy and company. View Slideshow: Bobbi Kristina Brown: Through Good Times and Bad

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Dear Bossip: My Aunt Isn’t Being Honest With Men & Her HIV Status

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’m writing in for some advice. I know you’re famous for your saying, “mind yo damn business,” which I am doing, but something is just not sitting well with me. I’ve been staying with a friend of my mothers. I call her my auntie because the length of time her and my mom have been friends. She can be cool, but over the years I’ve noticed how manipulating and conniving she is. For example, she does my taxes and the year she did my taxes she got her utilities switched over in my name without me knowing. I confronted her and got everything turned off, but that’s not why I’m writing you. My aunt had been on and off with this guy for nine years. He’s been caught cheating numerous of times so my aunt had let him do him until he was ready to come home. He even cheated with one of my friends. SMH! One day, my mom came into town. My mom lives in a different state. I stayed behind to finish college and that’s why I’m staying with my mom’s friend. My mom and I were on the Metro train on our way to Chicago when this lady started talking about this man. The man had the same name as my aunt’s boyfriend. So, my mom being the nosey one, decided to join in on the conversation. She started asking question like “Joseph” who? The lady got on at the same train stop as us so my mom knew she probably was talking about someone in town. The lady was a big blabber mouth and spilled all the tea. She gave his first and last name and a full blown description of him. My mom and I both knew she was talking about my aunt’s on and off boyfriend of nine years. The most disgusting part came afterwards. She told us that “Joseph” had been involved with her sister and that he gave her AIDS. The look on mine and my mother’s face was priceless. We were moved by those allegations. Once we left the city, and headed back up to my aunt’s home, that’s when my mom sat my aunt down and told her the news. I wasn’t in the room when my mom broke it to her, but when she walked out I could see the hurt on my aunt’s face. She waited for “Joseph” to come over to confront him. He denied the allegations quick, but my aunt told him on that following Monday that she would like to get tested with him. That Monday came and they both went. About a week or so later she went to get her results. She wanted him to go, but he was nowhere to be found. She got her results and they were positive. She called him and he said he got his results and they were negative. She asked him if he had documentation to prove his claim and he said he threw it out. Yeah right! My aunt stopped messing with him after getting her results back, but that’s not what’s bothering me. My aunt started dating this older man and he takes good care of her and her daughter. He even threw me a few bucks here and there. My aunt likes to talk to me about her private life and she told me they are not intimate, but she hadn’t disclosed her status to him. About 3 months ago they called it quits and now my aunt is messing with another guy. This guy is fresh out of jail and they seem pretty cozy together. My aunt tells me they haven’t been intimate, mind you I don’t ask for any of this information, she just willingly tells me this stuff. I know it’s a lie though. She left her diary out one day and I just happened to read the latest entry. She talked about having unprotected sex with him. I cringed when I read that because he does not know she’s positive. I’ve been minding my business and not adding input about anything, but this is wrong on so many levels. I’m not going to say anything because it’s not my place to tell, but my auntie is wrong for that. I understand what her ex did to her is unforgivable, but she’s doing the same exact thing to others. Now, I doubt that she was honest about being intimate with the older guy, and on top of that the guy has cancer and is possibly HIV positive. I don’t want to say anything, but is there any insight you could give me? I don’t want to say anything, but is there any way I could talk to my aunt without her getting mad at me for snooping? I want to be real with my aunt and let her know what she’s doing is wrong, but at the same time these man are old enough to know that once they choose to have unprotected sex with someone there is a big risk factor involved. It’s none of my business that is why I’ve been so quiet about the whole situation, but I feel like since I know the truth, as crazy as it seems, it makes be somehow involved and guilty about knowing. – Protecting The Truth Dear Ms. Protecting The Truth , What your so-called ‘aunt,’ your mom’s friend, is doing is wrong. But, please don’t mistake your loyalty to her for protecting the truth. From the beginning this woman has been manipulative and deceptive. When she did your taxes she used your name and social security number to get utilities turned on in her name. That is unforgivable. I know you are to forgive folks, but you don’t forget. She is a con artist. No matter what, she will do whatever she can to get over on others, and now she is swindling men and not being honest about her HIV status. She is vile, disgusting, and trifling. Therefore, I don’t think you should be protecting her, or her status. She is playing a dangerous game with other people’s lives. She is putting other people at risk by not revealing her status, and one of those men will come back and do some serious harm to her once they find out what she’s doing. So, I recommend you step to your aunt, confront her, and tell her that she is wrong for what she is doing. You give her an option: Either she tells the men she’s been sleeping with about her status, or you will tell them. You let her know that you love her and appreciate her for allowing you to stay with her, but you can’t hide the truth from these men because it is wrong. They deserve to know what they are getting into, even if they decide to be intimate with her and have unprotected sex. Besides, she may be telling them she is not, and not saying anything at all. I also would recommend that you get your mother involved with this, and you and your mother confront her together. You need a support system, and someone whom your “aunt” may listen to. She may feel it’s none of your business and you should stay out of it. But, your mom seems to have a close relationship with her, and she’s already confronted her before when you and she learned that your “aunt’s” previous boyfriend was HIV positive. Your mom seems to have a great way of confronting and being honest with her friend. So, call on your mother to be a support system with you, and let her know that you would like to confront her together. Also, I know you are staying with her because you are in college, and it may be saving you money, but it’s time to move. You don’t need to be in that environment. It’s toxic. She’s already used you before without your knowledge, and she is doing it again. You know her secret, and she is bringing different men in and out of  HER house, and she is expecting you not to say anything, but she keeps telling you all her business with these men. Therefore, she is making you complicit by revealing her intimate details of her life. You don’t need to be hearing her personal business, and you should politely tell her that you don’t feel comfortable having these type of conversations with her about her personal sex life. Especially knowing that she is HIV positive and she is not being honest with the men. So, remove yourself from this environment to avoid being obligated to keep her secret and from being complicit in her lies. Lastly, removing yourself will relieve you of the stress and aggravation of keeping her secret. You don’t need to be worrying about her, her choices, and who she’s sleeping with. You should be focused on school, enjoying yourself, and hanging out with your friends. Your life should not be wrapped up in some older woman’s sexual exploits. And, you don’t owe her anything, especially if she is playing a dangerous game with her HIV status and not telling these men. You let her know that you will no longer sit idly by and watch her destroy other people’s lives. You love her, and you appreciate her for everything she’s done for you, but her behavior is reckless, irresponsible, and dangerous. And, that is something you can’t morally or ethically live with. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He Went Out Of Town, But I See Pics Of Him & His Baby Momma

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , Last week my boyfriend went out of town to go work with his uncle, which is all fine and dandy. He gave me a call on Saturday and he hasn’t called since. Before he left, and when he called on Saturday, he said he was coming back on Tuesday. Well, this is why I’m upset. So, on Monday, I was doing a little snooping, but something was just telling me that something wasn’t right. I admit that when you go looking for stuff where you don’t have no business you might get your feelings hurt. So, any who, I went on his mother’s Facebook page through my friends page because I don’t have an account. His mother writes a status on Monday saying, “Yay! My baby is here, my baby is here.” He told me he was going to visit his mom while he was down there doing work for his uncle. So, something just told me to look at her comments and it read, “My son and his girlfriend and my granddaughter are here.” I’m supposed to be his girlfriend, so who the heck is she talking about? I already knew he was there with his 1 st baby mama and their daughter.  Now I’m pissed. Then, here comes Wednesday morning and she posts a pic of his daughter, then she posts another pic of him and his baby mama together without the child. So, all the signs are saying they are together and have a relationship, and they are more than just co-parenting. I confront him because I had a feeling he was at her house. I went there, and he’s trying to tell me I’m tripping and that she only gave him a ride from him mom’s house because his uncle went to jail and couldn’t give him a ride. I was like, “Why you posing in a picture with just you two like you are a couple.” He says, “Well, my mom asked for a picture of us. So, I just took it. I didn’t think nothing of it.” I told him that he obviously gave the impression to his mom that he and his baby mother were still together and I’m not even in the picture. He said the reason he couldn’t call me is because he didn’t have any more minutes and his family doesn’t have phones to call out to my number. Mind you, his baby mother tried to call the police on me because me and him were arguing outside the apartment. She says she’s going to get evicted all because she wanted to call the police. I told him that didn’t have anything to do with he and I, and she is the one who called the police. I didn’t do anything to her. So, now they’re trying to put the blame on me. If you ask me it all sounds like a bunch of bull-ish. I don’t know whether to think if the mom is being messy or if he’s just lying. He said he called his mom and yelled at her and asked her why did she put that pic of him and his baby mother on Facebook because it makes it seem like they are together. So, she later put another status up talking crap and saying I’m not about to take the picture of my son and his family off. I was like how is she calling you a family if you’re not together? Mind you he has two kids, but he doesn’t spend time with his second baby mother like he does with the first one. Both of his daughters are 5 months apart and I’m not one of his baby mothers. I want to know what do you think I should do. – Something Isn’t Right Dear Ms. Something Isn’t Right , Who has time for all this foolish? Girl, stop. Stop and grow up. Listen to what he’s telling you. Pay attention to all the clues staring at you in your face. First things first – Why are you dating a man who has two baby momma’s? Why are you dating a man who has two children by two different women and the children are 5 months apart? This means he was cheating on his first baby momma with the second baby momma. Thus, we can deduce he is not faithful, not to be trusted, and is a liar. Second, let’s take at face value that he went out of town to help his uncle. And, let’s take at face value that while he was out of town his uncle got arrested. So, he’s stuck out of town and has no way of getting home. But, he was able to call his baby mother, and she drove all the way out of town to go get him and to bring him back home. My question is why didn’t he call you, his current girlfriend, to come and get him if he was stuck out of town? Third, he comes back into town, and you still haven’t heard from him. Yet, he’s posted up at his baby mother’s house. HUH?!?! See, you’re so misguided and focused on one thing that you clearly haven’t thought any of this through properly. Your energy is directed toward his baby mother, and it’s because you don’t like her, you’re jealous of her, and you want to find a way to confront her. Your boyfriend is the problem. Your boyfriend is the liar. Your boyfriend is the one who is unfaithful. Your boyfriend is the one telling you lies, telling his baby momma lies, and telling his own momma lies. When you went to his baby momma house to confront him and he tells you that his uncle got arrested and he had no way to get home, the only thing you were concerned with was why his mother was posting pics of him, his baby momma, and their child on Facebook. You didn’t even ask him why didn’t he call you to come pick him up. You didn’t even confront him about the so-called lie that he had no minutes on his phone and that is why you haven’t heard from his since Saturday. But, he was able to somehow get in touch with his baby momma and tell her to come get him. You didn’t even confront him about the other lie that his mother and no one in his family had a phone that dials out to call you. HUH? Girl, bye! You should have stopped, tilted your head, looked him dead in his eyes, and reached all the way back and slapped the dog –ish out of him for that one right there. (I kid!!) LOL! You didn’t even confront him about his uncle who was arrested. Really, arrested? For what? Is he still in jail? You haven’t heard from your boyfriend since Saturday. He comes back home on Wednesday, and he is at his baby momma house. He didn’t come straight to you. He didn’t even call you. Therefore, yes, his mother is correct. They are a family. They are still together. They are in a relationship. You are the side chick. When you and he were arguing outside of her apartment and she called the police, he took sides with her because you rolled up to her residence causing a ruckus. You rolled up like you were his woman. Well, sweetie, did he leave with you, or did he stay with her? BOOM! BAM! POW! Look, the moment he told you that he was going out of town with his uncle for work, and for whatever reason his baby momma ended up with him at his momma’s house, and he knew you would find out, so, he’s had time to come up with a lie to tell you. What he didn’t anticipate was you going on Facebook and going to his momma’s page and seeing the pictures. Now, he’s back peddling. He still hasn’t explained why you haven’t heard from him since Saturday. No minutes or not, he was able to call his baby momma. And, he got back home without his uncle. Why weren’t you the first place he came when he returned home? And, the real reason he didn’t call you to come to pick him up is because he wasn’t ready for you to meet his mother. He’s not that serious about you, and he had, has, nor have any intentions on introducing you to his mother. So, you can stew and be mad at her, but your boyfriend is the liar. He’s been playing you, still playing, and will keep playing you because you will believe anything that comes out of his mouth. You have all the proof you need. You can ask him to come forward with the truth, and what really happened. You can ask him why he didn’t call you to come get him instead of his baby momma. You can ask him if he ever had any intentions on introducing you to his mother. You can ask all kinds of questions, but the reality is, he is not your man. He is not boyfriend material, for you. He is not someone you should be spending your time or energy with. You are rolling up at his baby momma house to confront him. That’s pathetic and sad. You shouldn’t be arguing with a man outside his baby momma’s house. Have some damn dignity, and be a lady. Have some respect for yourself. The hell you look like being a bird for some man who isn’t worth your time. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He Went Out Of Town, But I See Pics Of Him & His Baby Momma

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Dear Bossip: He’s Not Legal & I Offered To Marry Him, But I Don’t Trust Him

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for 2, going on 3 years now. I just turned 22 and he is 30 years old. But, you literally could not tell by looking at him, seeing that he looks very young, about 20 and he acts very youthful. About 5 months into us dating he was looking for a new place to live because his aunt who he lived with was relocating and was selling the house. He didn’t know much about finding a place in America, seeing that he was in the states for 3 years. So, I tried helping him find a place, but to no avail. I felt bad for him and told him he can stay at my place since his aunt was selling the house within a few days, but he would have to continue looking for a place to live. He lost his job working as a sales person and couldn’t find another one, which was a little strange to me, and he began to stress out. Around this time he came clean to me and told me he was married and going through a divorce, and also told me he wasn’t legal in America and that his wife volunteered to “help him,” but he left her because she cheated on him. So, he decided to go through the process alone. Right then and there I already knew what time it was. Now, before you start saying, “She’s so young and naive.” No, I am far from it. I decided that since his wife didn’t help him, then I will, only because he’s a very, very ambitious person with sky high goals, a go-getter, caring, intelligent and motivating person, even to this day and someone like that needs a chance. After telling him that I would help him, things got back to normal. He received a job and decided he would stay with me and help pay the bills and rent. My mother literally fell in love with him, my brothers go crazy over him, and he makes everyone laugh, and feel comfortable. He motivates everyone he comes in contact with. He’s still the gentle man he was from day one. Holding doors open for myself, as well as others, male or female, pulling seats out and he just oozes mannerism. I have nothing negative to say about him except…he’s very sneaky. About 6 months into our relationship with him living with me, I noticed he would always walk around the house with his cell phone and would never leave it in just hanging around like any normal person would in their home. He would tuck it under the couch, take it in the bathroom with him. That’s when I knew something was up. So, one morning I decided to check his phone and low and behold there’s a pic of another woman’s private area in his message. When I confronted him about it he didn’t apologize all he did was laugh…a very nervous and, “Oh, -ish I got caught” laugh. I told him he is very ungrateful and disrespectful especially if he knows that I’m helping him with his “legal” issues. Months go by and I go out for my birthday to California, and he lost his phone. The neighbor found it (my pic was on his screensaver) and something told me to check his Facebook because he always told me he didn’t have one, but I knew he did. I checked the messages and almost every female he messaged he asked them when they would have sex and even asked a female to go out for drinks on my birthday! He apologized (because he got caught) and volunteered to delete his FB. Now, that was in the pass and I got over it, but it still kills me inside. Fast forward to 2015 and things changed drastically since the beginning of our relationship, and I could tell he started to have a lot more respect towards me and we began to have much more fun. A few weeks ago he received a call from a female and she asked him if he was watching “Empire” because she could hear it in the back ground. He says no and she asked who is. He says, “uhhh…” that’s it. He doesn’t tell her his woman is watching it like how he would tell his male friends. He knows the password to my phone and I don’t care because I barely call or text anyone, and I’m not doing anything I’m not supposed to be doing. Now, all of a sudden he has a new phone and even if I look at the phone it’s like he’s going to die. Last night we were watching TV and I asked him if I could use his phone to edit my pic since I deleted that app from my phone. He said sure, but instead texted someone 2 times then deleted the text and told me he will edit the pic for me. I replied by telling him that I know how to do it and he still refused. So, I explained to him what I seen him do and he literally sat in my face and told me I’m crazy because he isn’t texting anyone. I do have strong feelings for him and he’s really an amazing guy. He helped me receive a job I’ve been dying for. He’s always there for me and vice versa. We literally stay up all night talking about how we want to open up multiple businesses and want other couples to look up to us. But, I just cannot deal with the sneaky side to him. Please help me figure out what to do. I know what to do, but I’m still holding on. – Don’t Trust Him Dear Ms. Don’t Trust Him , Did you say he doesn’t look 30, and he looks like he’s in his twenties, and he acts very youthful? Welp, why are you complaining about him when he’s acting like the age he thinks he is? He’s young, silly, and immature, but you’re investing him because???? By the way, you are young and you are naïve. He is taking advantage of you, the situation, and the opportunity. You claim to be so mature, yet, this fool that you had only been dating for 5 months  misled and lied to you about his life and situation. You didn’t know he was married, which meant you were dating a married man, and still are. He told you he was illegal in America, but you chose to harbor an illegal person in your home because, please, again tell me how smart and mature you are? SMDH! You do realize if he –ish goes down, you’re going down too because you know he is here illegally. But, then, you sit your so smart and intelligent ass up here and offer to marry him to keep him in the country talking about someone like him deserves a second chance. Please tell me how smart is that? Please tell me why you, someone who is not naïve, would offer to marry someone you barely know, and he’s been lying to you from the beginning, and he is still lying to you. (Sips tea) You have this fool living in your house, but, he’s emailing, texting, calling, and attempting to hook up with other women even after you’ve offered to help him and his situation. Yeah, okay. You’re smart and you’re not naïve. I have a question – Who is going to pay for his divorce from his wife? And, when is this supposed to happen? Oh, yeah, and when are you and he getting married? (Sips tea) What’s sad is that you allowed this man into your home and then you let him meet your family. But, he is playing all of you. He is manipulating and being deceptive to your mother and brothers, telling you all what you want to hear. He’s showing you what you want to see. If he’s deceptive and sneaky with you, then why would you think he wouldn’t be the same with them? Then, you say he motivates everyone and he makes people laugh and feel comfortable. Well, they have a name for someone like that – con artist. You notice the pattern that every time you catch him in a lie, or catch him texting, and talking with other women he laughs if off, and doesn’t admit it. However, he falls into the pattern of being on his best behavior for a few days or weeks, and you think everything is fine and things are going great, until you learn he’s doing it all over again. HE HAS A PATTERN! Wake your young dumbass up and stop being naïve. He’s playing you. And, I bet he’s already met up and slept with another woman. You’re not as smart as you think you are. He is one step ahead of you. What’s sad is that you keep believing his ole okey-doke bull-ish about getting married, being this perfect couple, opening up businesses, and having this wonderful life together. Sweetie, he is using you until he can become legal in this country. Trust and believe that he didn’t leave his other wife because she was cheating. She left him for the very same reason you should leave him. He’s the cheater. He’s the liar. She recognized his game and she woke her ass up and realized that he was using her to get into this country, and she learned he was hitting up other women. And, now he’s found another pawn, that will be you, and he’s playing you like the young naïve dumbass you are. Notice that the beginning of your letter when he came to you with the sob story that his aunt was moving and he had no place to go. Yeah, I don’t believe that. Then, he had days to find a place to live, but he couldn’t find an apartment, or room to live? I’m sorry, but I’m sure he knew his aunt was moving way before he told you. She didn’t just decide to up and leave and sell her house. That takes time. He is the one who waited until the last few days to tell you because he had a plan. And, now he’s living with you. Then, he lost his job. Oh, how convenient. But, let’s say that all of this really happened. You offered to let him stay with you, but the deal was that he was supposed to continue looking for an apartment. Well, what happened to that? Why didn’t he continue looking for a place? You see, Ms. Honey, you’re not as smart as you think you are. You think you have the man of your dreams. You have a con artist living with you. Get him out of your life. Move on from him and do not marry this man. He is not to be trusted. If you can’t trust him now, then after you marry him please know that things will not change. He will continue doing what he is doing, and it will get worse. You will find out he’s sleeping with various women, and he will be staying out late, taking them to dinner, and will have a full on relationship with them. The man received a call from another woman while he was sitting with you watching television, and he didn’t even state you were his woman. HELLO!?!?! And, he has a new phone and he’s doing the very same thing he did when he had his last phone. He won’t let you see it. He has it with him at all times. He’s gotten smarter about deleting his messages. And, girl, please know he didn’t delete his Facebook. He has another one, but it’s under a different name. Don’t play yourself. And, stop letting him play you. If you’re so smart and not naïve, then do what you got to do and put him out of your house. You don’t owe him anything. You are harboring an illegal in your home, and you’re dating a married man. End this relationship and find someone your own age, and who doesn’t have all this drama going on in their life. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He’s Not Legal & I Offered To Marry Him, But I Don’t Trust Him

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Dear Bossip: He’s In Love With Someone Else, But I Keep Fighting For Us

Posted on March 23, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’m reaching out because I’m with a man who may still be in love with someone else. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have a 5 year old together. We just recently moved into our first apartment. About 3 years ago I found out he was talking to some girl and it was going on about 3 months after I had birth! Since the baby we haven’t been getting along, but I never thought he would fall in love with someone else. She’s only known me to be just the BABYMOM. As soon as he goes to jail she’s hitting me up telling me he doesn’t love me and he’s only with me for the sake of our son. She even has his family on her side hating me. She tried to piss me off and she put a ring up on Facebook, as if he proposed to her. His family comments saying they’re happy and that his (dead) mother would be so proud. They have a bunch of pictures on her page of them looking all happy, but he can’t even take a picture with the mother of his child? He won’t take family pictures with us, and it’s a problem. He said he doesn’t want her to see it and get her feelings hurt, but he can sit here unbothered about mine. There was even a time she tried to jump me because she found out we were moving together and he was siding with her. After that he continued to keep their relationship going and it hurt so much because his loyalty was to her. But, again I took him back! We moved in together, but someone is still in the picture! I had enough and told him to get out and leave me alone. He said no, and that he’d do anything to have his family. I told him to get rid of his phone and he did. Weeks go by and we were doing good for once on our own, but then he calls me by her name! Then, he tries to justify it. It hurts so much. I gave him everything – a family he never had. He lost his mom when he was young and now it seems like I’m just taking her place. I love him so much, but after he fell in love with her I can’t seem to get him back. I feel like I’m waiting around for him to tell me he wants to be with her. I always try to get over it. I hate this girl for making me feel like this. I hate him for loving her and treating her way better than me. I try to keep it together for our son’s sake. I want marriage and a bigger family with what I started with him. Please HELP ME! – He’s In Love With Someone Else Dear Ms. He’s In Love With Someone Else , Let him go! Move on! Why be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? I don’t understand that logic. You can’t make someone love you, choose you, or be with you if they are in love with someone else. Stop being his option! Put him out of your home and let him go be with the other woman. You are spinning your wheels trying to get him to love you, be with you, and commit to you when his head and heart is with someone else. There is nothing you can do. He’s gone emotionally, mentally, and physically. It’s sad because in your letter you stated you, “gave him everything – a family he never had.” You were trying to fulfill a void in his life, and that is the wrong reason to be with someone. So many women get caught in this trap with men, especially with men who don’t have mothers in their lives. You want to be that woman he turns to. You want to show him that you support him, and you will encourage him, and nurture him through his hard times, and when he feels alone in the world.  Sweetie, that is not a relationship. You’re trying to be his surrogate mother. And, as you acknowledged, that is exactly what you became. Instead of being his woman, his girlfriend, you have become this surrogate mother taking care of a man, pouring your love onto him, and doing for him, but he wants to be with someone else. Besides, he was never really yours from the beginning. If you learned he was seeing another woman 3 months after you gave birth, and your child is 5 years old now, and you’ve been together 7 years, then, that means after 2 years of dating he was ready to go. You probably only had one good year of dating, but after you became pregnant in year 2, it seems he realized that you were not the woman he wanted to be with. Something happened in your relationship during that time when things went downhill, and that is when you should have left him. Do you realize that you’ve been fighting for a man for the past 5 years to stay with you and to be with you? You have spent all your energy and time on “their” relationship, and trying to get him to be actively involved with “your” relationship. Girl, let him go. End it and move on and save yourself the drama, stress, and aggravation. She’s posting photos of them together on Facebook, but he doesn’t want you to post any photos of you and your child with him because he doesn’t want her to get mad. Then, his family is co-signing her bull-ish, and their relationship, but they don’t support you. He’s called you by her name, and he’s still seeing her. I mean, come on! Why are you holding on to this relationship? Why are you fighting for something that he clearly doesn’t want to have with you? He’s going to tell you any and everything, but the reality is that his heart is with someone else. He wants to be with another woman. So, why are you allowing yourself to mistreated, used, and emotionally abused? You want him to choose you, and you want to be a family with him because you feel that you’ve invested in him and this relationship. Therefore, you feel he owes you something. You feel he owes you his heart because you have given him your heart. And, you want him to see you as the good woman you feel that you are. Well, if he can’t and doesn’t recognize that, then it’s time to move on, and stop investing in someone who is not investing in you and your child. He’s not and will never be the man you want him to be. He’s searching for something and unfortunately you can’t give it to him. Don’t spend another day, month, or year wasting your time on him when he clearly doesn’t want to be there. Grow up, get a backbone and stop letting him lay up with you and another woman. Stop letting him have the benefit of having his cake and eating it too. Stop giving him the satisfaction of knowing he has somewhere to lay his head, and someone to do and everything for him. Stop being his surrogate mother, and end this relationship, and put him out. You’ve given him enough of your time, energy, and space in your life. It’s time to do for you, and your child. It’s time to stop being his doormat and letting him walk over you. He’s already chosen who has his heart, and it’s not you. Now, it’s time for you to choose you, and do you. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He’s In Love With Someone Else, But I Keep Fighting For Us

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Simone Villas Boas Is A Booty You Should Know

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

The first time we saw Simone Villas Boas , I predicted she was going to be the next big Brazilian supermodel, but for some reason, that hasn’t panned out yet. And if I had to guess, it’s probably because Simone hasn’t taken my advice and dated a big-name blogger yet. I mean, it’s the only thing that makes any sense, since it clearly has nothing to do with her lingerie pictures. Because as you probably can tell from this latest set, she’s still a total knockout. But luckily for Simone, it’s not too late: I’m still single for some reason too. » view all 40 photos

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Simone Villas Boas Is A Booty You Should Know

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Dear Bossip: I’m In Asia, He’s In Africa – Can A Relationship Work?

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , So, I met this guy when I was on a short weekend gateway. We both happened to stay in the same hostel and clicked really quickly. He’s from Africa and was travelling around Asia countries, expecting to return home some time four months later. For sake of completion I will just mention that I’m Asian myself and live in Asia too. To cut long stories short, neither of us is denying that we have feelings for each other. We can spend hours talking in the hostel common area til the receptionist thinks we have dated for some time; that’s how good the chemistry was. But, of course, at that time, he was on his tour with two other guy friends, but even before he returns home, he has made some effort to visit me where I live, three times within four months. During that period, we were consistently in touch with each other. We exchanged so much about each other – jobs, careers, past relationships, travel experiences, life goals, etc. I find him very inspiring to me and it’s because I learned so much from the way he lives life that I have decided to quit my job as a lawyer in order to be a happy person. I do think he has made me the best version of myself, if not then at least the happiest version. Whenever we have the chance to be together, it all feels like I found where I belong – it’s homely, it’s comfortable, and I know it’s not just the sex (although yes, that too). Sadly, reality will always be harsh. He’s home been bound some two and half months ago. We’re still keeping in touch – sometimes we talk like friends, sometimes we flirt and sext each other and sometimes we get depressed because we could not share a future together (well, at least not given the current situation). Everything falls apart when I start inquiring as to whether we should make this a relationship, or should we just break the deal. This happened a month ago. We tried no contact, which really broke me within three days; we tried chatting plainly as friends, which eventually he came to admit it’s hard for him (for me too); we tried keeping minimal contact, which made me felt like he’s just purposely ignoring me. But, in the back of our minds, we know that we could not meet in the next two years as he’s going to start his training contract in order to qualify as a lawyer at home, and I know it is hard because I’ve been through the same procedure at home. Due to this, it all became a mess, because he’s made up his mind that he does not want to be in a relationship with someone that he could not see for two years. And, it’s made worse by the fact that he does not know if he wants to continue practicing as a lawyer at home (in order to live up to people’s expectations), or return to Asia for teaching (it’s his passion). I know it’s not fair and I know most guys won’t do a long distance relationship, which is a stretch of two years. As it stands now, we’ve reached the point that we don’t contact each other anymore as it causes too much emotional stir up on both of us. But, I think he deserves a place in my life. I really would like to try again after two years or whenever we have the chance to meet again. It’s just now, I’m not sure why he’s not saying anything about it. I can understand why he doesn’t want a long distance relationship, but at the same time I would very much rather be fighting together for this than to not know what he’s thinking. Do you think it’s worth it for me to keep a special place for him in my heart? I know for a fact that he will shut himself down from any relationship for about a year or so (I know this when we talked about our exes). Every time he takes it for real, so I do have some kind of advantage to roll it back in my hands. Am I just being silly, or truly fighting for something that’s worth it? – From Asia With Love Dear Ms. From Asia With Love , What are you fighting for? You and he were never in a relationship. You and he were not boyfriend and girlfriend, or long term partners. It was a hot fling that lasted a very short period of time. So, please explain to me what you are truly fighting for? (Sips tea) Let’s be clear, you’re in Asia. He is in Africa. That is not even remotely close in proximity. What type of long distance relationship do you really think will happen or occur? Chile, these women get some African d**k and go crazy! I’m sure your short weekend tourist fling with your African lover was amazing, wonderful, and he opened your eyes to some things by sharing his life with you. But, the reality is that he lives in Africa. You are in Asia. He is about to begin a two year program to become a lawyer. He will not have the time, finances, nor the energy to dedicate to you in a long distance relationship. Why fool yourself? Why even think you and he can have any type of intimate relationship for the next two years? It’s not a reality. And, you shouldn’t put your life on hold waiting on him to complete his program. What if he decides to stay in Africa, then what? He can meet another woman during that time, and you can meet another man. Why shut yourself off from the possibility of meeting someone new? Sweetie, it was a weekend filled and packed with a world wind of romance, passionate sex, and blissful lust speaking. He hooked you on that African penis and now you’re talking about you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Honey, you don’t know that much about him. You only know what he told you, and what he shared with you. I’m sure there is much more to his life than what he revealed in a weekend. And, let’s be clear, he’s only visited you three times in four months, and that is while he was in Asia. So, if he came to see you only three times in four months, then what do you think he was doing the other times he was not with you? (Sips tea) If he was really wrapped up in you and really wanted to make it work and he was madly in love with you as you are with him, then don’t you think he would have spent more time with you in those four months? Girl, he only saw you once a month, and one month he didn’t see you at all! D**k is a dangerous drug. And, he got you with that ole’ African d**k. I’m sure he inspired you, and gave you some great wisdom about life, but to up and quit your career as a lawyer is a bit rash. Don’t you find it ironic that, although he was in Asia to teach, but he is back in Africa to become a lawyer. If he was so unhappy and didn’t want to pursue a career as a lawyer, then why go through with the program? Why not stay and teach in Asia, or why not teach in Africa? So, don’t be fooled or too quick to stop your career and pursue your passions, well, not until you have well thought out and devised plan. Why quit your career and you have not fully thought it through, nor have you saved enough money to last you a few months while you pursue your passion? Long story, short: Don’t put your life on hold, or disrupt your life for a man. If he is not willing to disrupt his life or put his life on hold for you, then don’t you bend over backwards, or stop what you’re doing to follow him. Don’t wait on a man if he is not willing to wait on you. And, he’s told you that he is not willing to commit to a long distance relationship, and he is not willing to hold out for two years for you. He’s not making any promises or guarantees that you and he will be together. He is going on with his life, and so should you. And, notice that it’s you who is pursuing him. I bet you are the one doing all the calling, texting, and everything else. He is not chasing after you. Never, ever chase after a man. It was a great time, with great sex, and great conversation. Keep that memory, but soon it will fade. Soon he will be a faded memory of a hot and steamy romance which you had for a short while. Get back into the dating pool and I’m sure you’ll meet another wonderful, smart, inspiring, loving, and caring man who will sweep you off your feet. Just make sure he is local and not from another country or continent. – Terrance Dean Photo source: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!        

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Dear Bossip: I’m Trying To Co-Parent, But He Keeps Bringing Up The Past

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I need help co-parenting with my daughter’s father. My daughter’s father and I were in relationship for fifteen years. He was the love of my life. We haven’t been together for five years and we still can’t co- parents. My daughter’s father has cheated on me three times with three different chicks and I tried to forgive him. It’s hard to forgive someone who you loved such much and for him to disrespect me so many times. He made a video tape having sex with this one chick. I tried to forgive him, but I decided to walk away from our relationship. Before I called it quits I can remember early in the relationship several people would ask him when we were getting married. On several occasions he responded he would never get married to me. Why would I stay in a relationship with a dude more than fifteen years who cheated on me one time too many and he doesn’t plan on marrying me? He brought me a promise ring like it’s supposes to keep me waiting. I have my own apartment, career, car and money and purchase everything in my apartment by myself. My daughter’s father always complains about paying bills. He wanted me to take him out to a restaurant and movies and wanted me to pay for it. I come from the old school where dudes are supposed to take a chick out and wine and dine her. My daughter’s father never came home after work. Sometimes he would come home at 7pm or whenever he feel like it, which could be at 11:30pm sometimes. He felt like just because he paid the rent and he was a man he had the upper hand. He felt like he didn’t need to help our daughter with her homework or see her before she went to bed. Every time I went food shopping he would get upset because he had to help me bring them the groceries in the house. What the heck I look like sitting around waiting for him to change his mind or decide if he wanted to be in our life. My daughter’s father was livid at me before I called it quits. I started hanging out, going to clubs, and drinking and having fun. After I was tired of partying I started working 10 hour shifts six days a week because I didn’t want to spend any time around him. Saturday after work I would travel to another state and stay the night over family member’s homes with my son until Sunday night because he refused to leave. Why should I stay in the house or relationship with a dude who doesn’t plan on marrying me? Fast forward to now, my daughter’s father and I can’t talk on the telephone without a screaming match. I tired communicating directly with his girlfriend, whom he has been in relationship with for five years. She is sick and tired of being in the middle of our mess and she changed her telephone number. My daughter has her own cell phone to talk to her father directly, but we have to communicate. I can’t have a conversation with him unless he reflects on the past. He gets too emotional on the telephone and he is always making up an excuse to hang up the phone. One time, my daughter’s father said to me, “Eventually I would have married you. You were impatient.” We never resolve the issue at hand when we talk on the telephone. I pray to God to heal our relationship so that we can co-parent and to learn how to communicate again. The judge is tired of us coming back and forth to court. The judge said we need to learn how to co-parent and communicate with each other. The judge asked us what happen in our relationship and why can’t we come to an agreement. But, neither of us wants to reveal what happen. I come from a two-parent home in the suburbs and he comes from a single-parent home in the inner city. I don’t like the fact that when I talk to my family members about my daughter’s father they always respond he doesn’t know how to be a man because he didn’t have father around when he was a child. I’m tired of people giving me the same old sorry accuse. Problems between my daughter’s father are real deep. I can’t write the things down to share with anyone because I am too embarrassed. I get too upset with myself for putting up with BS for so long. In the last five years I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride with my daughter’s father, and it’s not over. We can’t come to an agreement on anything. It’s been five years and he’s moved on, yet, he still has resentment towards me. I was in a relationship with a guy for 2 ½ years, but we are not together. My ex was sick and tired of me and my daughter’s father arguing all the time. Every time me and my daughter’s father see each other we always smile and laugh. My ex was upset. I believe we smile at each other because we remember all the good times we had together. But, on the phone we fight like cats and dogs. I apologized to him and asked him to forgive me if I’ve done anything wrong to him and he apologized to me as well. But, we always end up back at the same place. When I meet a dude who has kids with their exes and they say that their child’s mother and them is best friends I get jealous. My daughter’s father and I would never be friends or cordial. I don’t want to bring my new dude onto a rollercoaster ride to see him jump off. I need help communicating with daughter’s father. He doesn’t take me serious and always take my kindness for my weakness. My daughter turns thirteen next year and she graduates from the eighth grade. We can’t sit next to each other and have decent conversation. Everybody is looking forward to daughter eight grade graduation, but me I terrified daughter father going to cause a scene. – My Nightmare Daughter’s Father Dear Ms. My Nightmare Daughter’s Father, I don’t understand how and why some of you women fall into these situations with these men that you have chosen, and you cohabitate with them, and then create children, yet, only to break-up and you are unable to be cordial with one another and communicate effectively to at least co-parent for the sake of the child. I don’t get it. Then, you were in a relationship for 15 years, he’s cheated on you with three different women that you know of, but, you are the one who stayed after he cheated the first time. You had an out, but you stayed. Why? What’s sad is that you took him back three different times before you decided you were fed up. You left him because he said he would never marry you, but it took 15 years before you walked away. I’m sorry, but who the hell is waiting 15 years on someone and there is no progress in your relationship? You are not moving forward, you are not growing, and you are not maturing. Fifteen years with someone, and then all of a sudden you get fed up! I’m sorry, but you chose this man, and you keep choosing his behavior and allowing him to do what he did, so why would expect his behavior to change after the relationship ended? He is not going to change. He is not going to be the father, dad, or co-parent you hope he will be for the sake of your child. He’s shown you his a** for 15 years, and you refuse to believe or accept who he is. Girl, I’m so tired of saying this, but, WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM. You and he keep running back and forth to court and you want the judge to handle it, but you and he are dishonest and don’t want to reveal the real reason why you two can’t get along. If you keep playing this game, then you’re not serious about wanting to co-parent with him. I feel that you like and enjoy the drama. It gives you the opportunity for you and he to continue to argue, fight, and have this ‘other’ sadistic relationship that no one wants to be a part of. Hell, his own girlfriend changed her number because she doesn’t want to be in the middle of it. And, you’ve lost your ex-boyfriend over it because he didn’t want to be around your incessant need to be in drama with your daughter’s father. So, therefore, it leads me to believe that you and he enjoy this sick game and all this back and forth that you two are engaged in. There is something that the both of you are getting out of it, and until you’re really ready to let him go and move on with your life, then you and he will continue this soap opera drama you two seem to enjoy. Why do you two continue to talk about the past? Why are you holding on to it, and what you had? Why are you and he arguing on the phone, and it has nothing to do with your daughter? As a matter of act why are you even engaging him and it has nothing to do with your daughter? Why are you doing all this grinning and cheesing up in each other’s face, and you’re talking about it’s because you and he remember what you once had. It’s over! Let that –ish go! Ma’am you gave me all this back story of your relationship with him, what he did, and how you shouldn’t have to wait on someone who wasn’t going to marry you. But, you chose him. You chose to stay 15 years. You chose to produce a child with him. You obviously kept choosing him to stay with him after he cheated on you three different times. So, was the back story an attempt to paint him as the bad guy? Honey, I don’t do voluntary suffering and misery. You stayed, so you got what you got. If you want to co-parent, and you’re serious about it, then you and he need to be in therapy. You need to let go of your past, and your relationship. It’s over. It’s ended. It’s done. It’s no longer. However, you and he are holding on to some unfinished business. So, go to therapy with a mediating third party and let them help you decipher through this bull-ish. Let them help you resolve this game, and end this back and forth. You two can’t seem to do it yourselves, and it’s obvious that you don’t want to the judge to handle it. Therefore, therapy with a professional counselor will help you get to the root of your issues, the underlying tension of your drama, and end this torrid love/hate relationship you have with one another, and this ongoing relationship that you two don’t seem to want to let go. – Terrance Dean Photo source: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

Originally posted here:
Dear Bossip: I’m Trying To Co-Parent, But He Keeps Bringing Up The Past

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