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Dear Bossip: He Is New In Town, No Job, No Home & We Slept Together But I Haven’t Heard From Him

Posted on January 2, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I live in Nashville TN and I have a question for you. The answer may be what I already know but I need some help. I met a man on a dating website. He pursued me pretty hard and then eventually we started texting off the site, DAY and NIGHT. He was very receptive to me, asking me what I was looking for (we agreed we wanted to find a companion not necessarily marriage overnight or anything, but a commitment) and he was very talkative and sweet and funny. He even said he thought he was having some feelings for me even though we hadn’t yet met. We had exchanged pictures over the course of the 2 weeks. Well, after 2 weeks of this texting and calling each other we met. He revealed to me that he has only been in town for 5 months and he is working on securing a good job and a secure living situation. None of which I care about. I am not a gold digger at all. I care more that he is a good person. During the date he was GREAT, talkative, affectionate, polite, but after a good night we went back to my place, grabbed some beer and made a night of it (probably my 1st mistake). Well, we ended up being intimate and I feel like that was mistake # 2. We went to sleep around 4 am and woke up around 11 am, and I took him home. Now my question is:  Are my chances of making this serious, DOOMED?  I made it clear that I wasn’t going to be intimate, but I gave in after his very tempting advances. We have a lot in common and the conversation is great, but now that we met he isn’t sending any texts messages like he did up until we met. We had such a good time! This was Saturday and now its Monday, no word yet from him. Should I chuck it up as a loss and move on or am I judging it and him too soon?  Will he call me on day 3?  If not, what do I do: send him a text asking if he is done?  I am lost. I need some help on what I need to do now. – Confused in Nashville Dear Ms. Confused in Nashville , Chile, I can’t believe we are starting the New Year off with this mess. SMDH! The hell! You folks and this online dating will learn one way or the other. Meeting folks online, then texting, calling, and sexting, which leads to sexing on the first night. Then, he disappears and you’re upset and wondering what happened and why he disappeared. Why is he not texting and calling like he used to. What happened to all the promises he made, and all the gooshy talk we did about being in a relationship and finding that special someone. It’s all a damn lie! Here’s the problem: You take a huge risk and chance when you meet an unknown person online. The chances are 1.) They are liar. 2.) They are not who they say they are. 3.) They lack social graces and are not good in public spaces. 4.) They are just out for a quick “hit it and quit it.” Ma’am, it’s only been two days since you haven’t heard from him. Slow your damn roll and pump your brakes. But, I get it. You’re having buyer’s remorse. You regret sleeping with him, and now that he hasn’t hit you up in two days you’re getting the suspicion that he is not going to call. LMBAO! Well, you’ll learn the next time won’t you. If you say you’re not going to be intimate, then don’t be intimate. If you want a man to call you the next day, then don’t sleep with him on the first night. When he revealed to you on your first date that he had just moved to your city within the past 5 months and had no job, and was trying to secure a living situation, then your red flags should have gone up. I don’t care if you’re not a gold digger. But, a man with no job and no permanent resident does not deserve any permanent p***y. The hell you giving up the goods to a bum for? That’s what he is. Would you go out in the streets and pick up a homeless man and take him home? Would you go on a date with a man you met on the street and he had no job or residence? Hell no! You would walk right past him. So, I don’t understand why you would lay down with a man you met on the internet, revealed to you that he has no job or permanent residence, then bought you a beer and you took him to your house and had sex with him, and then had to drop him off the next morning! You tricks have got the game all the way f****d up! Yes, you do deserve a no return call. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship with any real man who has his own –ish, and is about his business. You belong with the bums and tricks who ain’t about nothing because you ain’t about nothing. If your minimum requirement is that a man is good to you, yet, he doesn’t have a job or residence, then find yourself a trailer and park your car and live your life, boo! Next, you said to him that you would not be intimate on your first date, yet, you spread your legs wide and let him climb on top of you. And, you over there talkin’ ‘bout, “I gave in to his very tempting advances.” Girl, what advances? A can of beer and him saying, “You look pretty gal! Come over here and give me some sugar!” LMBAO! Then, you say that you have a lot in common and great conversation. What do you have in common? He doesn’t have a permanent home. He doesn’t have a job. Do you have a permanent residence? Do you have a job? He’s broke. You have money. You have car. He doesn’t. Again, what do you have in common? And, what great conversation? What did he say to blow your mind? Was he talking about politics, spirituality, philosophy, the state of world, bringing world peace, discussing poverty and hunger? Chile, that man was telling you what you wanted to hear. He knew you are weak, vulnerable, and desperate. He knew he could play on your low self-esteem, and that you hadn’t had any good d**k in a while, and he knew the right words to say to get what he wanted from you in two weeks. So, let’s wrap this up so others can get 2013 right and proper. He is not going to call or text, expect when he wants to hook up again. It will be in a few weeks. He’s going to have an excuse that he was busy looking for a job, or he was in the process of moving. Some lame excuse, but he will get horny again and hit you. Trust me. By the way, he is not into you. He is not feeling you, or being in a relationship. Especially not with a chick he met online, and he smashed on the first night. He thinks that’s how you get down. Even if you don’t, the fact that he smashed on the first night, he thinks you’re easy. He doesn’t want you for long-term relationship. You’re a jump-off. With that, I want you to stop meeting men off dating websites, chat lines, Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media outlet. It will not end well. If you do, then SKYPE with these men. It’s free. It’s doesn’t cost a thing. SKYPE with someone and you get to see them in real time before you meet. And, have some real and serious conversations. Ask about his employment. Ask for pay stubs from a job. Ask about his residence. Ask for a copy of his lease. Ask if he has a car. Ask to see the registration for the car in his name. Ask if he’s married. Does he have any children. How many. Is in presently in a relationship. Does he have many girlfriends. What is his take on monogamy. Hell, when was the last time he was checked for STDs, or had an HIV test. And, you want to see the results. In 2013 it’s time to do this right and do it your way. Don’t let anyone dictate to you how the relationship is going to go. You have a say in it. You’re just as much a part of what is going to happen as the other person. Have some standards and dignity about yourself. Have some respect. Have some integrity. And, please up your standards beyond those basic minimums. You looking real cheap and easy right about now. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!     

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Dear Bossip: He Is New In Town, No Job, No Home & We Slept Together But I Haven’t Heard From Him

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Hot Style: Cool Coats for Every Budget

Posted on December 27, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

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Hot Style: Cool Coats for Every Budget

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Dear Bossip: I Found Out My Husband Was Talking With An Ex, But He Stopped It & I Still Don’t Trust Him

Posted on December 27, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am 33-years old. I married my boyfriend of two and half years in January. We’re in love, but I went through our phone records and noticed he had been texting and calling his ex-girlfriend. I called her and she stated she thought I knew and that I didn’t mind. Suddenly, after six months, he decided to tell her I did mind and their so-called friendship ended. My husband now works at a distribution center were if they don’t have work he is released early. I feel uneasy about his work schedule so we started arguing. I started dropping him off at work and just still felt uneasy. We argue more and I just feel this fool is doing something, but I can’t prove it. I want to call his job or follow him to work. I just don’t want to because really I don’t know what I would do. You might see me in the news, but at this point I check his phone records and there is nothing. No one calls, or emails and texts. I just feel he has a slicker way to go about things. Some women will take 10 minutes just to see a man. I know because I was there once, and plus, he used to talk to a lot of women. He says I’m a drama queen, bull-ish starter, but I feel it’s something he is doing and I just can’t prove it. So what should I do? The old me would move around, but this time I’m married and can’t just do it. If I don’t do something I’m going to hurt him. Plus, he is a full-blown liar. He can never tell the truth. If I’m right he starts to argue. I’ve become violent, but I’m trying. What should I do? Plus there is more. He has a (loser) baby mama and two kids that are in elementary school. She is actually in jail right now and we just found out his son can’t read and no one ever told us. I’m ready to pack up and bounce out on him. What’s holding me back is I relocated from another state without him, and my kids are getting a good education. Also, both my kids love him. He also comes home every day, but he told me he stays at work in the parking lot doing nothing because he is not sure how I would feel today. I believe this is just some more bull-ish he just says!! Should I just leave him?? I want to fight for us but lately it’s been physical! – Tired Of Lies Dear Ms. Tired Of Lies , Girl, please stop! Just stop all this drama and madness that you are creating. Ugh! I agree with him. You seem like a drama queen. All this drama going on and you are making it bigger than what it is. Chile, either you trust him or you don’t. Either you leave or you stay. Don’t go back and forth making this a bigger issue than it is. If he told his ex that it bothers you that you two are communicating, and you can’t find any evidence that they are still in contact with one another, then perhaps the situation is dead! And, if you are still snooping through the phone records, and the other measures you are going through, and yet, there is no evidence of him doing anything, then perhaps he isn’t! Yes, he could have gotten smarter, but from what you said about him I don’t think he’s that bright. I’m just saying. Therefore, stop creating the stress and drama in your life. Your relationship is going down the tubes, and you are at the root of it. You’re going to wake up one morning and find yourself alone, but it won’t matter because you’re going to justify your behavior, and pushing him away because that’s just the type of person you are. Now, moving along. There are a few things I’ve noticed between you two, in which I’ve also noticed with lots of married couples who rush down the aisle. Have you two discussed what monogamy is? Did you two sit with one another and talk about commitment and what it is? Did you go to marriage counseling before getting married? Have you two discussed that once you were dating and got married that he would have to delete all his numbers and contact with the women he was involved with? Yes, common sense would tell a man to delete and get rid of all his other women he was intimate with at one time, but sometimes you have to go the extra mile for pure measure and remind him. “Uhm, sweetie, this is how this dating and married thing works. You will delete all your exes, and any other woman you’ve been intimate with, talked with, or was trying to get to know. You are married now. You have no need for those other women. There is no need for you to keep in touch with any ex. I am your present, and your future. Your past is your past. So, in order for this to work, and if you want a happy wife, then be a man and act like a husband.” Next, you mention he is a liar. Ma’am, that’s not breaking news. You knew he was a liar before you married him. So, what made you think things would change after you walked down the aisle? He is a liar. He will always lie to you. He may want to be honest, and he may want to tell you the truth, but he doesn’t know how. Teach him. Train him. Instead of arguing with him over his lying, create other repercussions for his behavior. He knows how you’re going to respond when he lies. Hell, I even know what you are going to do when he lies. You start an argument, you fight, and then you make up. However, it doesn’t rectify his lying. He knows you, and he knows what to do next time, and how it will end. So, therefore, create other repercussions for his behavior. Next, he mentioned that he stays in the parking lot at work because he doesn’t know how you’re going to be on those days. You think it’s bull-ish, but in reality it’s some real –ish! That is the sign of an unhappy man. He is tired of you. Tired of you berating him. Tired of you chastising him. Tired of you making him feel like he never does anything right. Uhm, sweetie, you keep it up and one day he is going to leave and never return. No man wants to come home to an angry, bitter, and upset woman on a daily basis. How would you feel if every day you walked into your house and your man was berating you, talking down to you as soon as you walked through the door? Chile, you would start plotting and planning your exit. Ain’t nobody got time for all that! LOL! The home is his castle. The place where he should feel like a king, and not a pauper. The place where he can be at peace, and find love. Create that environment, and you will get the man you want coming home every day. Create that space, and your man will shape up, instead of shipping out. Finally, you have discovered that one of his children can’t read. Uhm, instead of complaining, help the damn child! Find some resources for the child so he can learn how to read. Why are you complaining, and getting your panties in a bunch? You inherited his children, as well as he has inherited yours. Therefore, treat that child like family and get the child some help. Why don’t you sit with the child and read with them? Instead of making the child wrong, or those who didn’t tell you that the child couldn’t read, then how about working together to get the child some help? Jeezus! You grown folks are truly special. This poor child is struggling through school and you are demeaning the child? You see the pattern and behavior that you have? Who wants to come home to that every day? Girl, work on yourself before you start trying to work on others. Look, your man seems like he is trying. He seems like he’s made some adjustments, however, it’s you who has not made any adjustments. So, readjust your attitude. Stop walking around with the screw face, and your lips turned up. You’re going to mess up your face, and no one is attracted to a woman with a scowl on her face. And, you have you stank attitude. No ma’am. Sit with your man, and talk. Don’t argue. Talk. Listen to what he is says, and then come up with a way to make your marriage a happy and loving one. Please talk with one another as adults instead of suspicious spouses. He is a grown a** man, just like you are a grown a** woman. Stop going through his phone, and you’re married. If you don’t trust him, then get out of the marriage. Otherwise, at some point, you’re going to have to stop holding the reigns, and his nuts. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I Found Out My Husband Was Talking With An Ex, But He Stopped It & I Still Don’t Trust Him

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Pia Toscano, Jared Lee Wish You a "Merry Little Christmas"

Posted on December 26, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Pia Toscano and Jared Lee are taking the advice of Buddy the Elf. The former American Idol finalist and the singer/songwriter understand that the best way to spread holiday cheer is to sing loud for all to hear. And with that in mind the talented twosome gathered this week to wish fans a very happy holiday season, mash-up style. Click Play now to hear the duo collaborate on “O Holy Night” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” Pia Toscano and Jared Lee Christmas Mash-Up We sincerely hope all readers really did have themselves a merry little Christmas!

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Pia Toscano, Jared Lee Wish You a "Merry Little Christmas"

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Ke$has Illuminati Themed “Die Young” Music Video Broken Down: Song Pulled Since Shooting And Says She Was Forced To Sing Die Young [Video]

Posted on December 19, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

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Ke$has Illuminati Themed “Die Young” Music Video Broken Down: Song Pulled Since Shooting And Says She Was Forced To Sing Die Young [Video]

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Dear Bossip: We’re Engaged To Be Married, But I Found Him Looking At Gay Websites & He Says He’s Not

Posted on December 19, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I really don’t want to write this because you usually SLAY people whenever they write you, but I have nowhere else to turn. I need help. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years with a man and am newly engaged. He plays soccer overseas and I am finishing school to get my bachelors degree, so for the most part, our relationship is primarily long distance. We have found a way to make it work despite being apart for 9-10 months out of the year (I often go to visit him and he comes to visit me). Long story short, I caught him looking at gay p0rn. Actually, all sorts of weird p0rn honestly, but what stood out to me the most was the fat girl p0rn and gay p0rn. Specifically: transvestite sex and BDSM transvestite p0rn. WEIRD to say the least. Anyway, I was devastated and confronted him and asked him if he was gay. He of course denied it and said that he was just really freaky (and he is) and said that he watches so much p0rn because he is overseas and does not want to cheat on me. Eventually he just started getting off to any and everything he could find. During our argument, I repeatedly tried to get him to admit to me that he was gay because of course, looking at gay p0rn obviously makes you gay right? Well, he nicely reminded me that I used to be bisexual and asked if I was gay because I still continue to fantasize about/enjoy watching women. Ironically, I don’t feel like I am gay because I realized that that is not the lifestyle I want to live and ultimately I want to be with a man. Although, I am still attracted to women I have not the slightest intention on being with a woman ever again in that way. So, I said no. But, he’s right. It’s the same shoe, different foot. So, eventually I retreated my threats and after some time I forgave him and remained with him. He said he’d stop looking at it if it bothers me, but I wanted him to stop looking at it because it’s wrong, and it’s gay. He tried to make it seem like any sex is sex and just because that is what he watches it doesn’t mean that’s what he wants to do with me (the BDSM or feeder porn) or anyone else of that matter, it’s just freaky to him. But, men don’t just look at tranvestites, black men especially. It doesn’t help my peace of mind that my butt and breasts are huge and he is in absolute awe of my body, but literally only worships my butt! (Go figure). It’s been a year and I’ve often checked his computer and he hasn’t been on those websites since. Well, at least not to my finding. Am I wrong for feeling like this makes him gay and feeling like he will leave me for a man or something crazy like that because I’m a hypocrite!?! However, I fear that when he leaves again, he’ll start looking at it again once he gets bored or even worse decide to experiment during our engagement or worse after we’re married! I mean he clearly fantasizes about being with, a man or at least a transvestite, right? It is because of this that I am hesitant to marry him and obviously cannot stop thinking about his sexuality. I try to be an open book and keep communication open between us, but this topic clearly makes him uncomfortable to talk about. He treats me like a freaking diamond, is extremely romantic and thoughtful, manly, God-fearing, sexy, and very successful. I absolutely adore his family, and he mine and we pray together. He’s everything any woman would want in a man, except I am not sure if he is gay/bi, even though he tries to make it clear  that I am his end all be all. The funny thing is I am so kinky, I could care less if he is bi or previously was as long as his heart is mine and only mine and as long as we enter a monogamous marriage. I don’t want to look back and wish I’d made a different decision, especially if he comes out of the closet on me and embarrasses me later on. We’ve talked about it since, but something is just not right. He wants to marry me soooo badly (so we can finally have kids and live together), but these insecurities are really killing me. I don’t know how to feel, think, or what to do. And, I have not told anyone. I need advice, help. – Concerned About His Sexuality Dear Ms. Concerned About His Sexuality, Girl, there are so many things wrong with your letter, and I’m holding myself back from laying you out!!! You are truly sad. Sad and pitiful. You make lots of accusations, blanket statements, and judgments, but I peeped your game. Ole blankety blank blankety blank so-and-so!!! Holding my tongue. Just holding my tongue. The problem isn’t your man and him watching gay p0rn, the problem lies with you and your insecurities about your own sexuality. The hell you’re going to sit up here and condemn gay people and say being gay is wrong, yet, you’re bi-sexual?!? You sleep with men and women. You have a problem with being gay, so therefore you condemn gays because of your own issues. You are a hot a** mess! You are the worse kind of person. You are the epitome of ‘those’ persons who say they hate and can’t stand gay people, yet, you’re gay and trying to hide behind the façade while throwing stones in a glass house. Well, the glass has shattered! Clean up in aisle 3!!! And, you’re lying to your man and yourself when you say that you will never do it again, but, yet by your own admission you said that you fantasize and are still attracted to women. DO NOT PUT OFF YOUR ISSUES ONTO SOMEONE ELSE. You are the damn problem! You can’t accept who you are, and you have a problem with your own sexual identity. And, because you don’t want to be gay, bi-sexual, or whatever the hell you’re trying to fight, you’re trying to make him the bad guy. Girl, miss me! Ole trifling a**! But, I am a firm believer that you attract that which you are. So, how does it feel knowing your man is watching transvestite p0rn, and getting off to it? Yeah, you’re worried about him, but what are his thoughts and views about you and your sexual identity? Have you addressed that? Obviously not because he threw it up in your face when you tried to throw stones and accuse him. So, for him to throw back leads me to believe that he has, is, and probably thinks you’ll want to be with a woman at some point. So, what is he supposed to do with his feels and thoughts? You are truly selfish, trifling, and so many other things. You’re obsessing over the possibility of your man being gay, yet, you’re gay and trying to fight your urges and deny who you are. YOU ARE GAY YOURSELF, MA’AM!! And, before you two get married, I strongly suggest that you two go to marriage counseling, and you need to be in personal counseling to deal with your own personal issues around your sexuality. To sit up here and say you’re bi-sexual, but you’re not interested in that lifestyle, and you feel you’re not gay and that you prefer to be with men. HUH? What? Being LGBT is not a lifestyle. It’s who you are!!! It’s not an option on an application form that you check. Chile, you folks with these issues about your sexuality are truly not going to do me today. For the record, rich is a lifestyle. Hip Hop is a lifestyle. Being LGBT is not a lifestyle! Ugh!! But, hold up, at the end of your letter you write, “The funny thing is I am so kinky, I could care less if he is bi or previously was as long as his heart is mine and only mine and as long as we enter a monogamous marriage.” What the hell!?! So, if you don’t care if he is bi-sexual, then why did you write the letter? Marry him and go be happy in your own damn warped shaped dark bubble. Oh, but, I get it. You think he will eventually one day go out and be with a man. He will not feel satisfied in the relationship with you, and he will go fulfill his desires and needs with a man. Actually, it’s the thoughts that you have about your own damn self that you are projecting onto him. You’re the one who actually feels that your desires and needs to be with a woman will come surging back, and you’ll step out on him. You’re the one who is having thoughts about him not satisfying you, and you will need to be with a woman to make you feel good. Because you’re in denial about your sexuality you feel he is denial about his. I get it. Be honest with yourself, and then you can be honest with him. But, your lies will be the downfall to your marriage. Trust me. Keep lying to yourself, to him, and to everyone else, but one day you will have to face the truth. Wake your a** up! This is why you need to be in therapy to deal with your issues and your sexuality. Free your mind and the rest will follow. You’re dragging him into your insecure and unstable a** life. Your life is not together, but you want to marry someone else to make you feel better about yourself. You’re questioning your sexual identity, and in denial about who you are, so you figure marrying him will make you not desire women any longer. LMBAO! Girl, I can’t! And, now that you’ve caught him watching some gay p0rn, you can’t handle the heat in the kitchen. Let me wrap this up because you’re not going to have me caught up in your trick bag. Does your man watching gay p0rn make him gay and want to eventually go out and try it? Possibly. Who knows. But, I don’t know any straight men who purposely sit down to watch gay p0rn no matter how freaky they are. No matter how much they want to get off, and how freaky they may be, there are thousands upon thousands of freaky a** videos and naughty sites that will fulfill his desires to get off. And, I’m sure many straight men have vivid imaginations whereas it won’t take much for them to get themselves off. Therefore, him purposely watching gay men, and in particular transvestite BDSM could be a fetish or desire he may have. Whatever it is, you won’t know what he’s doing because 9-10 months out of the year you’re not together. And, you can monitor and snoop through his computer all you want, but you can’t monitor his d**k. BOOM! BAM! POW! I just hope he’s strapping up before he gets it in. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!     

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Dear Bossip: We’re Engaged To Be Married, But I Found Him Looking At Gay Websites & He Says He’s Not

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Dear Bossip: I’m Seeing Two Men & Exploring The Freak In Me, Is It Wrong To Continue Dating Both Of Them?

Posted on December 6, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , First, let me tell you that I love your column. You give the realest advice and I get the feeling you genuinely care about each individual you receive letters from. With that being said I think that I’ve lost my mind. My son’s dad and I broke up a couple of years ago due to infidelity on his part. A couple years go by and I’ve decided that I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I prefer to just have sex and utilize my “block” app after, so no further contact will happen. The problem is I have met two guys maybe 3 months apart from each other. The first guy is really sweet and he gives me whatever I ask for and the sex is just okay. We’re both into the same type of things sexually and I like that. The second guy is someone who is nice but he is adamant that he’s not into “tricking” (this is his word) and refuses to do anything for me and sex with him is HORRIBLE, but he really is a good guy. Now please understand that I’ve always been in very long relationships and never really got the chance to explore the “hoe in me” side and I use protection every time by the way. I guess my question is that because I’m seeing two guys who don’t know about each other and they both want to be with me, is it wrong to continue to date both of them? I rarely have sex with either so I don’t think there’s a call on the play. Mind you, I’ve told both of these men that I do not want to be in anything serious. Your fan forever. – Feeling Kind of Hoe-Ish Dear Ms. Feeling Kind of Hoe-Ish , LOL! Girl, I love you!! You better do you and explore your inner-hoe! And, I love that you use the “block” app so when you’re done, you’re done. Ba-by! I am a big advocate of “block” and “delete.” Hell, for those I don’t want to be bothered with I even put “DNA” next to their name – DO NOT ANSWER. LOL! And, please don’t apologize for knowing what you want, and for doing you! Hell, there are more people who need to be honest with themselves and tell themselves the truth as opposed to fooling and tricking people into relationships, and then hurt others along the way. Chile, don’t get caught up in that. So, I’m saying, get your freak on, enjoy yourself, and date. That is what dating is all about. It’s exploring and meeting new and different people. You’re dating.  You go out, get to know one another, and if you choose to then you engage in sex. You’re not committed to anyone, and you are enjoying yourself and spending time with people and getting to know them. And, there is nothing wrong with have sex, just as long as you keep using protection so that you won’t end up with another baby daddy, or some sexually transmitted disease. However, I am a firm believer in being honest with folks up front. Let them know, “I am not interested in a relationship. But, I am dating, and I am seeing other people. We are not exclusive. I do enjoy your company, and I enjoy spending time with you. I hope you can handle that, and who knows what the future holds. Perhaps there can be something more. But, in the meantime, I am dating, and getting to know you, just as you’re getting to know me.” You see how easy and simple that is? You see how saying this will save you a world of headaches? Because if you’re not honest and truthful with people upfront and they learn or discover that you are seeing other people, then they will feel mislead and deceived by your actions. Therefore, be honest and let the men you’re seeing know that you are dating. You don’t have to go into details about who you are dating, and discussing them about each other to each other. You’re dating. And, continue to be honest and letting know them that you’re not looking for a relationship at this time. Be honest. Be truthful. Hell, the man who told you that he wasn’t into “tricking” was honest with you. He let you know that he refuses to spend any money on you, but yet he wants to lay up with you. And, the sex is horrible. Chile, puhlease! Yeah, all you need to be doing with him is dating him. Tell him he needs to get his sex game up, and then he can use the disclaimer that he is not into “tricking.” Listen, girl, you’re free. You know what you want. And, you’re taking the necessary precautions on protecting yourself during sex. Girl, be the hoe! Hoe in the morning, noon, and evening. And, don’t let anyone’s judgment or opinion of you affect you. Until they are paying your bills, feeding you, and willing taking care of you and your child, then girl DO YOU!  And, to answer your question if it’s wrong to continue dating both of them? Uhm, no it’s not. You’re dating. And, you already told them that you are not looking for anything serious. Now, hang from the rafters, and continue exploring the hoe in you. We all got a little hoe in us. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I’m Seeing Two Men & Exploring The Freak In Me, Is It Wrong To Continue Dating Both Of Them?

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Paige Thomas and Vino Alan React to X Factor Eliminations

Posted on November 30, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

The X Factor results show was not especially kind to Paige Thomas and Vino Alan last night, as the hopeful singers were each sent home. Did the eliminations take these contestants by surprise? “I wouldn’t say I was expecting it,” Thomas told reporters after the show. “But at this point in the competition, because everybody’s so good, you can never really expect anything… I’m somewhat relaxed because now I can really just be myself.” Alan was more direct (“I didn’t expect to go home,” he said), while admitting he changed his Wednesday night song at the last moment from “Too Close” to ” You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling .” But he holds no grade toward mentor L.A. Reid. “I don’t blame L.A.,” he said. “I blame myself for not standing up. That’s the advice I’d give to anybody: follow your gut.” Thomas also harbors no ill will toward Demi Lovato , saying she’s grateful for that star’s support. “We spent a lot of time with [Demi], especially compared to all the other judges,” Thomas said. “She really did take time to sit down with us and talk to us. She’s got a career that she’s still building and so do I, but I’d definitely like to stay in touch with her.” Did you think Thomas and/or Alan deserved to be eliminated?   No way, Paige deserved to stay! Nope, Vino all the way! Yes, but I wish them luck! View Poll »

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Paige Thomas and Vino Alan React to X Factor Eliminations

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Dear Bossip: He Broke Up With Me Because He Didn’t Feel Loved & I Wasn’t Affectionate Enough, But I Want Him Back!

Posted on October 11, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , Here is my problem. I was in an incredible relationship for 6 months that went from 0 to 100 quite fast! But, it wasn’t a bad thing. We both were on the same page. He told his family that he found the woman he wanted to marry and I felt the same way. Well, the problem began due to the lack of communication and the differences in our love language. My love language is gift-giving, but the way I receive love is words of affirmation. He was great at doing this. Here comes the problem. Out of nowhere we started to grow apart around the fifth month. He did not express it to me until after we broke up, which was nearly 3 months ago. He felt that I was not showing him the affection he wanted or deserved. He felt under-appreciated and not loved. I was totally blown out of the water because I felt that it could not have been further from the truth. Like, seriously, I love this man still wholeheartedly and unconditionally and will give my all to prove it. Fast forward to recently. Before we broke up we planned a trip to Jamaica to go to our friend’s wedding. He said we can handle this as adults. The chemistry was undeniable and it could not be hidden on the trip. Needless to say, we just clicked again, naturally, as if nothing happened. But, I could tell that he felt guilty about the chemistry and instant connection (Not that he stopped things from happening). So, I asked if he was seeing someone back home, and his response was, “Maybe.” What the heck does that mean? He said he doesn’t know what to call it. Turns out it’s a chick that he works with that has been eyeing since we been together, and she’d been constantly claiming that she can make him happier. Well, I guess she finally got her opportunity. After a phenomenal week, and amazing chemistry, the harsh reality hit me when she picked him up from the airport and jumped into his arms. He was hesitant I assume because I was standing there, but I can see she was happy to show me that she got her chance. My question is: Could she be the rebound chick or could this be more? He openly admitted to missing me and us in Jamaica, but said I hurt him by not showing him the affection he wanted. I told him then why couldn’t we just communicate these things and work on a solution instead of letting the love potentially die? He said he didn’t know. The feelings I felt in Jamaica were not fake. I know love still lives there, but his ego is too big and I believe he is afraid of getting hurt again. How do I right my wrongs? I do not want to give up on such a good man! I love him too much. I did a private boudoir photo shoot and the photographer made him a book and sent it to him. I asked for it back after the trip. He refused and said, “I love it,” and that I made it for him. I said, but I just sent it to you after we were broken up and now you have a new woman. I believe he knows he stills loves me, but don’t’ know if he wants to take the risk. Love is worth all the risks right? You can’t love fully unless you are willing to let go completely. Do you think I am wasting my time or do you think I still have a chance? I asked him was he happy and he said yes. He said she shows affection. I said what about the other eighty percent, love has a ebb and flow. It’s not always good, but it ain’t always bad either. What do I do? I want my man back before it’s too late! I l feel like she had the inside track and used it to her advantage. He was vulnerable and she helped him through it. I’m not blaming her but I want her gone and him back home! Help me! Why are men so full of pride? How do I fix my relationship? – Want Him Back Dear Ms. Want Him Back , Sigh!!! Deep sigh!!! Real deep sigh!!!! Let me do some whoo-sa’s and calm my spirit. Honey, please, for the sake of yourself, and for all of us, stop begging this man to take you back. It’s over. It’s done. He’s moved on. And, I’m for real when I say this, but do you all read your letters back to yourselves, out loud, before you send them in? You answer your own letters! In the very first paragraph you said, “Well, the problem began due to the lack of communication and the differences in our love language. My love language is gift-giving, but the way I receive love is words of affirmation. He was great at doing this.” If he broke up with you because he said you did not show him affection, and he felt under-appreciated and unloved. And, if the way you demonstrate love is through gift giving, and your man wants and needs affection, and he wants to feel appreciated, and he wants to feel loved, then boo boo, you can’t buy those things. Those are emotions and feelings that are done through physical and verbal actions. You can’t buy love! You can’t buy someone! Money and gifts does not equate love. So, why were you floored and shocked that he ended it? This is not rocket science. Your relationship is over because, as you stated, there was a difference in your love language. He wanted one thing, and you wanted another. You got what you wanted. You admitted that when you said that he was great at affirming his love to you. Yet, you didn’t do your part. You didn’t express your love to him the way he wanted. Now, he is with a woman that is doing what you should have been doing from the beginning. He is with another woman who ran and jumped into his arms when he returned from his trip to Jamaica with you. You notice that her act of affection, and attention when he returned, was the very thing he was seeking from you all along. So, let’s answer your other questions: How do you fix your relationship? Ma’am, you don’t have a relationship. The hell! You are truly delusional. He broke up with you. You are no longer together. He is with another woman. There is nothing to fix. Jesus take the wheel! Do I think she is the rebound chick or something more? Who knows, but for right now she is giving him the affection and attention he is seeking. She’s making him happy, and he obviously isn’t interested in dumping her to get back with you. So, what do you think? How do you right the wrongs? Ma’am, you learn from them. You take the lessons, learn from them, and make sure to do better the next time so that you don’t repeat them. Is love worth all the risks? Yes, love is. But, he is not in love with you. You’re in love with him, and in order for it to be reciprocal, and worth the risk, then two people have to be willing to fight for it. He’s moved on. He’s decided that he is better off without you. You’re the one chasing him. You’re the one running after him. He isn’t reaching out to you, or even said to you that he is willing to give it another try. He’s not interested. Do I think you are wasting your time, or if you have a chance? Well, as a betting man, I think you are wasting your time. Your relationship lasted six months, and in the fifth month things began to unravel. It was in the fifth month that you should have sat with your man, talked with him, and made the adjustments so that you can move forward. The two of you should have worked together to get on the same page, and discuss the challenges of the relationship. But, here is my thing: The fact that he is already with the other woman, his co-worker, this says a whole lot. They obviously had been eyeing one another prior to him dating you. I don’t believe that once you started dating that she all of a sudden showed up. This has been an ongoing thing between them. And, yes, she got what she wanted because he was going back to her and talking about his relationship with you. Thus, she listened to what he was complaining about in you, and she became the woman he wanted you to be. (That bish is fierce!) And, that little get together while you were in Jamaica was just that, a little get together. He had sex with you, rekindled with some familiar coochie, and you do notice that when you got back home he went home with her. I’m sure that there were some feelings while you were on an exotic island, and at a wedding so love was in the air, it’s romantic, beautiful, and everything a Hallmark card is made of, but reality set in when it was time to go home. He was reminded of all the reasons of why he broke up with you, and what he had waiting for him when he returned home. Yes, he may have been vulnerable and he really wanted things to work with you, but you didn’t give him what he needed or what he wanted. And, he didn’t think you were, or that you are worth the investment. Girl, please learn from this experience. It’s time to heal your heart, and focus all that energy on yourself instead of trying to get him back. Use that energy to become a better you. Use that energy to love yourself. Don’t chase someone who doesn’t want to be with you, and they are not chasing you in return. Don’t make someone a priority when you are an option for them. Don’t give your all if they are not giving you their all. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!     

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Dear Bossip: He Broke Up With Me Because He Didn’t Feel Loved & I Wasn’t Affectionate Enough, But I Want Him Back!

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Dear Bossip: I Messed Up & Treated Her Badly, But I’m Changing & Want Another Chance

Posted on October 4, 2012 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , This is my first time ever coming to someone about this situation. By reading some of your other messages on Bossip, I feel that you aren’t biased and that is was I need because I’m soooo lost right now. Ok, me and my girl have been together for 4 years. This is an interracial relationship. She is white and I am black. She is 33-years old and I am 29-years old. This girl has stuck by my side through everything, and I mean everything; ranging from my crazy baby momma keying her car, to me cheating too many times to count, which is the stupidest thing I could have ever done. A little of my background: I have never been faithful to anybody, never in life. I have only had maybe like 3 or 4 girls that I could even say I have cared about.  This is no excuse, but I simply don’t know how not to flirt. I had the mindset that I could be with any girl I wanted, which in all honestly has been mostly true, not saying that I’m God’s gift to women or anything, I just never had a problem getting the one I wanted or getting what I wanted. Back to the topic at hand, I have taken my girl for granted for tooo long. Actually, I am surprised she has stayed around this long. She has caught me numerous times. Once, she set up a fake Facebook account with fake pictures and everything. She acted like some girl trying to holla and I fell for it. I did claim her as my girl, but showed her absolutely no respect on the matter.  She has caught me walking a girl upstairs to my apartment, and the cell phone is its own story in itself.  Yet, through all this she has stuck by my side and never left.  The cheating wasn’t the only problem though. I’m not a woman beater or anything, but we would get into fights sometimes, fist fights, but mostly just arguing about my “F” ups. Then, I would get mad, pull her by the hair, then leave her house or kick her out of mine. Like I said, honestly I don’t know why she has stayed around so long. We have had like week-long break ups and stuff like that, but most of that was me not wanting to be with her. I don’t know what my logic was. I know I have been stupid, selfish, and very immature, but I have never stopped loving her and actually her staying around has made me love her more, and even though it seems like it took forever I only want to be with her. So, like 10 months ago, which isn’t that long ago, I decided that I wouldn’t cheat on her anymore, which actually has been going very well for me. Our relationship seemed to be getting better. We have had maybe 1 or 2 big fights in the last 10 months, but nothing related to cheating, but that’s because we stopped disrespecting each other with our talks and actions. But, it has gotten better. We are madly in love. The problem is that she knows exactly what she wants but I still got some growing up to do. So, the relationship has been the best it has ever been for some time because I started communicating more, taking her out, and I stopped cheating. But, I still had a flirting problem and I still need to show her more respect in every aspect. Like three months ago, I came into a financial problem and after everything I was trying to do failed, I asked her if we could move in together.  Now, before you start thinking I am a moocher or something, I have always had a job and have never batted an eye at doing whatever I could for her or her child whenever I could. I think that’s how she knows when I’m doing something wrong because that is like the only time that I get distant. But, anyway, she said I could move in. I didn’t really want to but it was the only choice I had to make ends meet.  So, the weekend comes when I am moving in.  She goes out of town with some of her friends.  I get everything moved with no problem. But, I had spent just about all my spending money.  I do odd jobs on the side to make extra money.  I needed some money, so I had some computers that I had fixed for some people and I decided to return the computers to the people so I could have some money. The only problem was that I took this one female her computer real late that Friday night, which was an idiot move, but in all honestly all I wanted was the money. The girl that I took the merchandise to already knows about my girl and knows I love my girl. She even encourages me to be faithful and honest and tells me not to hurt my girl.  Me and her are good friends, but my girlfriend doesn’t trust me around her because we used to have sex like 8 years ago. So, I go over there, my girlfriend was out of town. I should have told my girlfriend what I was doing, but I thought I would be in and out, no harm done.  All we did was talk, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t even see this girl as someone I would have sex with anymore. She is just a friend, but my girlfriend is insecure with me around any girl and I don’t blame her. While I was over there my girl called. I didn’t answer the phone, which was another idiot move. But, I thought it was best because I didn’t want to upset her because I knew that nothing was going to happen, and it didn’t. So, that night my girlfriend had one of her friends ride by our house and I wasn’t there. I called my girl back a little while after I left and told her I was busy moving the last of my things. This wasn’t a lie, it just wasn’t the whole truth.  When my girlfriend got back from out of town she went through my phone and found some texts and a call log that showed I had went to the other girl’s house. I tried lying to her about it, but that only pissed her off more. We stayed together after that, but this is where things got very sour. From that moment on it was like my girl just wants to fight with me. It’s like she wants to push me away. I have a temper and we got into one bad fight. I have kicked a whole in the wall, but I fixed it. And, one day, I was looking for a quick way to make some money, so I was looking to sell something that I wasn’t using. I was putting it in my car and she decides that she wants to start fussing. She closes the garage door, I forced it open and messed it up. But, me and one of her friends fixed it, and at the time I didn’t know dude was trying to get her, though. I almost forgot while all this was going on. We hadn’t had sex in like a week or two, and I still had not cheated, so I was very proud of myself. So, from then on out she would come home late or not come home at all, or just leave in the middle of the night or whatever. I still have been faithful through all this, but a time came when I was like, “Look, I know you don’t want me anymore, so let me stay in the guest room for a little while so I can save some money, then I will be out off your hair.” After that we had a talk, she said that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but that she has no trust in me and I understand this. So, we broke up. We still live together and sleep together most nights. She even gave me some the other day which was great!!!! I have been trying everything I can think of to get her trust back. Like I said, we still live together and sleep together some most nights. We still call each other pet names and tell each other I love you. I have been trying to do everything to make her happy. I want to be her husband. I want to be faithful. I truly love this girl and want to be with only her and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back. I just don’t know what to do because I have never felt like this before. She says if you love something you have to be able to let it go, but I don’t want to let her go. When I moved in with her I knew what I wanted, and I want our family. I just don’t know how to get it back. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time. – Want Her Back Dear Mr. Want Her Back , I love these conversion stories where folks are in relationships doing dirt, dogging their mates, freaking everybody but them, cheating, and lying, and then you have this aha moment and think that they’re supposed to forget everything you did and be happy you turned your life around and act like nothing you ever did mattered. Get the freak out of here! And, Whoop-to-MF’ing-do! You feel bad for treating her horribly for four years, and now you want to be the man she’s been hoping you’d had been from day one. Whoop-toMF’ing-do! You want to be a family now after she’s bent over backwards, stood by your side, fought for the relationship after she’s caught you cheating time and time again, and now you don’t want to cheat anymore and be Mr. Faithful-Who-Loves-To-Flirt. Let’s get something straight right now. And, you need to start being honest with yourself. YOU ARE A LIAR. Say it to yourself. Admit it to yourself. YOU ARE A LIAR. That’s it. That’s the plain truth. You can’t be trusted. You went to another woman’s house on a Friday night because you wanted to get some money because of your bleak financial situation (That’s whole other issue right there). This is a woman you had sexual relations with in the past, and you claim you’re good friends. Chile, please miss me with that bull-ish. You are not good friends, as you experienced that night. She is old p***y that is on reserve. That is all she is. But, when your girl called you that night you ignored her call, and decided to call her back later. WHY? If you weren’t doing anything, and you were simply there to get some money, then why lie to your woman about the truth? Oh  yeah, it’s because you’re a liar and you felt guilty. Why didn’t you think to call your woman in advance, or while you were in en route and explain to her what you were doing and where you were going? Why couldn’t you wait until Saturday morning or afternoon to go to her house? Why didn’t you arrange to meet her in a mutual location instead of going to her house? It’s because you don’t think. You just do, and think about the consequences later. And, as a result you keep lying on top of the lie you told. SMDH! You are definitely not the brightest. And, this is obvious. But, know this, your past is indicative of your present and future. For four years you took this woman through it all, and you expect her to forget everything because you’ve been on your best behavior for the past 10 months. Really? Really! You’s a do-do brain. Ole doofas a**! And, I don’t care what you’re arguing about and how intense it gets, YOU DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN! Don’t grab her hair, shove her, mush her in the face, or pick her up to move her out of your way. YOU JUST WALK AWAY! LEAVE! GO AND SIMMER DOWN AND LET THINGS CALM DOWN. But, don’t put your hands on her. Now, let’s address the fact that you moved in with her to save money because you couldn’t live financially on your own. That is the only truth you have. You didn’t move in with her because you loved her, or because you wanted to be a family. You wanted to save money. And, the sad part is that you still have not saved any money because you’re still trying to hustle money. So, what’s the underlying issue you have? Oh, yes, you’re a liar and cheater. Thus, this issue will play out in all aspects of your life: financially, mentally, emotionally, physically. When you’re real and honest with yourself, all those things will fall into place. But, ask yourself, “Why do I lie? What am I getting out of lying? What will this lie accomplish and am I ready for the consequences behind the lie? And, how has lying served me over the years? Look what lying has gotten me.” By the way, this whole relationship is all about YOU. Re-read your letter and hopefully you will see this. YOU cheated on her for four years. YOU moved in with her because YOU wanted to save money. YOU lied to her. YOU did what you wanted to do, and now YOU want to act like nothing happened and that she should just get over it. Sorry, but if you want to get her back, and be a family, then start acting like a man. Start being proactive in the relationship, and give her everything she deserves. Make her feel loved. Make her feel desired, wanted, and needed. Buy her flowers. Take her out. Cook dinner. Treat her like a queen. And, instead of playing house, and you want to be a family, then get married. Be that man, and she will be that woman! But, you’ve got to make the necessary steps and strides to making her feel that she can trust you. And, it’s going to take some time, but you’ve got to earn that. You want her back, then grow the hell up, stop lying (be honest even if you feel a lie would be easier to tell, don’t do it. Tell the truth), and start working on earning her trust and love. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE!       Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Dear Bossip: I Messed Up & Treated Her Badly, But I’m Changing & Want Another Chance

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