Dear Bossip, My husband cheated on me a couple of years ago and as a result he had a daughter with this woman who claims to be our friend. And, she was our Boss at one point. I found out when she served him papers for child support. I was devastated after six years of marriage. I wanted to call it off, but he convinced me that he did not want anything to do with them, and didn’t want to have a life with her only with me, and have a family of our own one day. Since he knew I didn’t want him to have any contact with the woman, but in order to know about his daughter, which looks a lot like him, he stared calling behind my back. I found out after I saw a text from her. We argued and he told me that he wanted to know his daughter and it was killing him inside missing time with her. Finally, I made a decision. I went to talk to this lady in person and told her what my husband wanted and that I was 100% supportive as long as we stay clear of what the purpose is – which is the girl to know and build a relationship with her dad. She said yes to me. We meet and spend time with them. Everything was looking way to good to be true. My husband and I agreed he would only speak to her in front of me, and only about the girl. Unfortunately, things were too good to be true. It turns out this woman requested time alone with my husband, and for him to tell her if he really doesn’t want anything with her. And, if I’m around they were to get a code word so she knows when they are on the phone. He told me he called her from a friend’s cell so I wouldn’t see the numbers if I checked our lines. He claims this is the only way to end whatever doubts this woman has. I’m so frustrated and disappointed at myself and don’t know what to say anymore. I want him to have a nice relationship with his daughter. She is only three and a half now, and I want to be strong to deal with this woman, but not like this again. How can I convince him to see that giving her that time alone or not having calls around me will make her think he still doesn’t respect me or give me my place? How can I put it in words that he can understand last? Note: They don’t have custody together yet – He Needs To Understand Dear. Ms. He Needs To Understand , Uhm, sweetie, you sound like a correctional officer and parole officer. You want to monitor his every move with this woman, who was both your boss at one point, and whom he cheated on you with, and then she bore a child. Girl, I can’t today. But, I’m going to let that marinate in your thick a** skull for a minute. Chile, how the hell are you going to monitor and control their relationship? You are going to sit by the phone as they speak each time she calls? You’re going to ride shotgun in the car when he goes to see his daughter? Girl, please stop. Stop this silly –ish. They are grown a** adults. You want to tell him when he call her, spend time with his daughter, get your permission to do this, and how he can only do all of this in your presence. LMBAO! You sound really silly. Since today is Basic Wednesday, I’m going to give you a Basic Answer. NEWS FLASH: SHE IS GOING TO BE IN YOUR LIFE FOREVER! HE HAS A CHILD WITH THE WOMAN . If you can’t handle this bit of important information and their relationship, then you need to get a divorce ASAP! The child is three and half years old. You do realize she is still a child. Therefore you’ve got the pre-teen years, teenage years, and her becoming a young woman. Which means that this road is going to get worse and bumpier as you travel on it. If you can’t deal with it now, then get out NOW! But, let’s get something abundantly clear – Your husband cheated on you. Your husband has been deceitful and manipulative and he continues to be deceitful and manipulative. You only found out about the whole hotmess.com after he was served with papers for child support from the woman, your former boss (Let’s make sure you understand that point), and it’s been over three years. Otherwise, he would have never told you. So, his behavior and what he continues to do and show you are a result of who he is. GIRL, WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM!!! All of his actions point in one direction: He’s a liar. He can’t be trusted. And, then he goes behind your back and conspire with the woman, your former boss, whom he cheated with and bore a child, (I’m going to drive that point home), and they create a code word so they can have secret conversations. And, on top of that he went out of his way to use a friend’s cell phone to call her. Hmmmm, what does that tell you about your husband? Again, I’ll let that marinate in your thick a** skull. You’re so busy trying to be superwoman, correctional officer, and parole officer trying to prove you’re understanding, and willing to get along with all of this drama and ignorant bull-ish that you are failing to miss the entire big picture: HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU OR YOUR MARRIAGE. It’s time to get yourself some self-esteem. Some respect. Some self-worth. Some backbone. You don’t deserve this from him. You deserve so much more, and until you realize it he is going to keep doing what he is doing and that is playing you and mistreating you. You can be understanding and supportive, but it doesn’t take you being married to him to do this. He violated your marriage, and didn’t even bother to tell you about his love child until only after he was caught. Otherwise, you would have been completely in the dark. And, who’s to say that she is the only woman he’s cheated with. Did you ask him if there were others? And, how long did the affair with your former boss last? That’s some ole trifling and shady a** -ish for this woman to be your friend, and boss, yet, she was sleeping with your man and smiling in your face. SMDH! Girl, please pull your big girl panties up and bounce up out. They deserve to be together. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect your marriage. He doesn’t care what you think or say. He is going to do what he wants to do. So, let that MF run amuck. He’ll learn his lesson, and trust and believe he’ll come running back to you on his hands and knees begging you to take him back. But, hopefully you will have moved on, and found a new man one who respects loves and cherishes you. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: I Learned My Husband Had A Baby With Our Former Boss & She’s Three And Half Years Old
