Child, I don’t even know what to tell you about last night’s episode of the wig-wonkiest show on television. Things happened! Things didn’t happen. A big girl did splits and a Raven turned into a chicken. This week was Country Week. Because why the hell not. Plenty of drag queens are country. I mean, actually, I have no idea if any of them are country or not. But at least one of them has to be, right? There must be some sort of barn-like drag bar somewhere in the sparse hills and plains of America. Some boot-scootin’ bewigged old bitch lip-syncing to Martina McBride or some shit, rumbling home in her old GMC pickup, sitting on her cricket-chirped porch with its buzzing yellow light and drinking a can of MGD. But, you know, fabulously . I can picture it, can you? Well, the episode required that you were able to. Or not. Whatever. This show requires nothing. Literally all you need to bring to this show is a moderately functioning set of eyeballs and ears. And maybe a working voice, so you can whoop-shriek as things get progressively weirder and weirder until you don’t even know why you’re whoop-shrieking, just that you’re whoop-shrieking in the still of the night and there before you is a glowing box full of moving pictures. That’s all you need. That’s all you’ll ever need for this show. The episode began with an eating contest. The dragtestants had to play a game of Chicken, or What?!? in which they put on blindfolds and were told to eat things and then had to identify whether they were Chicken, or What?!?. Get it? Pretty much everything was What?!?!, actually. They ate bull balls and soy faux chicken and frog legs. They all shrieked and spit fried food all over the place. It was really attractive. And yes, everything was fried. Just a bunch of drag queens eating fried nasties on a grainy public access gay game show. If that doesn’t sound like something you’d want to watch, then, well… I don’t know what to tell you. Because that is what this show is about. The two winners were Mystique, because she is a large lady and could put away the food the fastest, and Morgan, because I don’t know why. Just because. As a reward for winning they were sent home on the next plane, far far away from this awful place made team captains for the big challenge. Which was: Make a commercial. Yes, a commercial! Like something they show on TV and is almost like acting, but for failed actors. It was pretty exciting. Until RuPaul showed the girlz what product they’d be shilling. It was something called Disco that looked like Crisco and, yes oh mercy mama of course, was a fake product. Aw nuts. Even worse? The Disco shortening or whatever it was supposed to be was hailed as “extra greasy.” Pandora’s bird-like eyes grew to saucer size. Only no one said “greasy.” They all, even more disgustingly, said “greezy.” Extra greezy. “Girl, I can’t put on my eyeliner, my hands are too greezy.” “Get away from me with that greezy face of yours.” “Honey, that dick is greezy.” It was HORRIBLE. Greezy. Eugh. Low-budget tranny snuff films should not incorporate a fried food ‘n cooking greez subplot, because everyone will turn it off before they get to the big important part: the snuff. You want them to see the snuff, don’t you? Otherwise you’d have snuffed in vain! And no one wants that. Greezy. Hyuuuagh. So, OK. The commercial. The commercial was sort of like a John Waters movie if when Divine died she had died inside John Waters’ head and then started to rot, seeping into his brain. It was, again, about greezy fried food and featured all the gals done up in their country bumpkin best-worst. They tried to do their best at looking their worst, is what I’m saying. They blacked out teeth, but didn’t really do it all the way, so it was like weird teeth bits floating in mottled outerspace. They also put on even sillier makeup than usual, especially that raggedy little bitch Morgan. Whooooooo boy did Morgan put on some makeup! She must have worked on plays in high school or something, because she did this really ridiculous old age makeup that made her look like Gloria Stuart, if Gloria Stuart began using methamphetamine and was then eaten by Divine. It was ridiculous. And vaguely embarrassing. Like when someone takes something too far or too literally. The most elaborate costume at the costume party that nobody else really cared about. That kind of thing. See Morgan was playing Granny in the little commercial. Basically it was a sketch about country people talking about Disco baking grease. One of them was about chicken, the other about fish. (Like really about fish in a gross way, if you get my drift. Greezy.) But both of them featured a chicken. Yes, Raven and Jessica Wild were cast in the role of “Disco Critter,” which was a chicken for some reason. Doesn’t “Disco Critter” sound like… well, basically Animal from The Muppets if Animal was a real person. Or a sort-of real person? Some tuft-haired weirdo who speaks mostly in Jive and basically breathes cocaine and other uppers and does weird dances and sometimes sneaks up on you and says “skeeble dee dop doo woo” in your ear, but not in a funny way, in a menacing way. That sounds like a Disco Critter to me. Not a chicken. But oh well. Chicken it was. Jessica Wild can’t speak English and has a weird voice, so her Disco Chicken was resoundingly terrifying. Squawky like a chicken should be squawky, but in a frightening way. If you were to wake up in the middle of the night and see the manic eyeball glow and squawky smile of the Jessica Wild Chicken staring you in the face, I think you might die from fright right there. Raven on the other hand was just sort of a dul ice princess Disco Chicken. A laconic, quaaludesy Disco Chicken. Just a mean bitch in a chicken outfit. Why someone didn’t nominate Pandora to wear the chicken outfit is beyond me. It is a natural fit , people. Let Pandora be herself and give her the damn chicken costume. It is not that hard. Anyway, they went to film the ad and, because they are already performers of a sort, the girls didn’t do all that bad. Jujubee and Pandora were fairly funny, and even hood-lidded bored teenager Tyra sulking in the corner over there did OK. She was playing a baby, which is fitting, because she is a mean little baby. Morgan terrified as a granny, Raven just spoke in a sad monotone, and then Jessica Wild came out in her chicken suit and ate the world. Oh! Speaking of eating the world, Kathy Najimy was the guest judge and was “directing” the “commercial” and was surprisingly bitchy. I suppose drag queens just give you license to be bitchy or something. It’s sort of just how you talk to them. To policemen you are humble and polite, to waitresses you are breezy and familiar, and to drag queens you just bitchy, lady. You just plain old bitchy. They really don’t seem to mind. SO. After Najimy was done doing her talking, it was time for the girls to get all gussied up in their finest country drag and strut around the runway. Raven looked terrific as always. Tatianna actually is a lady. Sonique continues to be a promising dark horse. Pandora’s costume was deemed “pedestrian” by Santino Rice, which is like… Santino Rice calling your RuPaul’s Drag Race costume “pedestrian” doesn’t really mean anything. That word has no context or foothold in this world. It’s like a ferret presenting you with a math problem. You just sort of stare at it bemusedly, and then wander off. Who else. Oh, yes, Tyra looked good as always and BLERGH ended up winning. So, ego. Morgan looked terrifying as usual. Jujubee typically cleans up nice. And Mystique. Well, Mystique just tucked a Tello’s dress into some pantaloons and walked out there like it was no thang. But it was a thang! It was downright greezy. When questioned about her choices by a perplexed RuPaul, Mystique was all “This is country. This is what the country girls I know wear to the mall.” So that was awfully literal. And silly. I mean… I wholeheartedly believe that the country girls that Mystique knows tuck their Tello’s dresses into their black Contempo Casuals waitress pants before hitting the Dixie Crossings Galleria, but come on lady. You know that’s not what Rupes meant when she told you to get into your country finest. It was bad. Because Raven whiffed it so hard in the commercial shoot, she ended up in the bottom with ol’ Mystique. The two were told to perform a country song about men knock-knocking but not getting in the door or something, so they both spent a lot of time pointing to their boobs during the knock-knock part and their butts during the door part, so yay for that. It was greezy. Just as it went last week, Raven is a fun lip-syncer and her competitor was just flailing around on stage. After a final crotch-slamming split, Mystique went home. Ah well, oh well. What can you do. If you’re anywhere near the Gator Springs Shopping Centre in the next coupla days, shove that Delia’s dress into some Bebe capris and go console Mystique. You’ll feel good about it. OK. I think that’s it. The episode was, in a word, Greezy . So very gree— Oh God. Run. Run!!! It’s coming!!!! The Jessica Wild Chic— CHOMP. SQUAAAWWKKKK.
Continued here:
RuPaul’s Drag Race: Tastes Like Chicken
