Last night it was time for the women to sing for their beautiful, diamond-encrusted supper. How’d they do? Ohh, you know, this is the Season of Horrors, so not terribly well. But not terribly, either. There’s been much brouhaha-ing about how this is going to be a year where a lady wins. Because it’s been three long seasons since Jordin Sparks was given a seat in Rupert Murdoch’s flying Rapture bunker, the producers have been intent on giving the crown to a girl this time around. Can they do it? Judging by last night’s festivities, no. No they cannot. But neither can the guys! No one can win this year! So, equality of the sexes has finally been reached. Way to run headfirst into that glass ceiling and tumble through it, ladies! The main takeaway from last night is that Kara did apparently talk to someone about her hair. It wasn’t the windblown Sebastian Bach-esque mess it was on Tuesday, so we’ve that, at the very least, to be thankful for. Simon still had his usual plains-flat tarmac atop his spiky British head, Randy still threw turtle shells at everyone, and Ellen continued her Orpheus-like descent into the Hades of her career. Ryan Seacrest burbled and moaned, missing his dear boys so very, very much. Where was Carol Brady, and Dimples St. Hotbod, and Kara’s boyfriend, Lady Elephantiasis? They were all sitting in their Chairs of Regret and Ryan couldn’t talk to them. He had to talk to stinky, stupid girls all night. What a bore! How boring! When is summer going to hurry up and get here already? The Good BLUNDERPANTS. She was alive! There were some fears that Crystal would be overcome by her mysterious illness and be unable to perform last night, it’s why the goils switched with the boys on Tuesdee, but those fears were allayed when Boomerslacks was brought out to face the judges, first of the evening. She strapped her guitar to herself and sang a merry warble about things and we all sighed with relief. Wouldn’t it be funny if Crystal Thundertrousers actually won this whole damn ish? Ma Yellowteefs beats all the TeenyPop competition and Vermonts her way up to the throne. I’d like that narrative. It’s a story I’d read. And, hey! Her teefs aren’t so bad anymore! Someone took a laser to her chompin’ stones and done fixed ’em up. Either that or she got dentures. Imagine if someone with dentures won American Idol . It would be the closest a thirteen-year-old girl ever felt to her grandma. “I get you, Gran” she would say, hot hormone tears pouring down her face. Gran would smile and her teeth would fall out and outside a dog would bark and the whole of Indiana would sigh wistfully. Who else was good? Oh, I put a video of the Blair Witch up top because I thought you might like it. The sound’s a little off, but don’t let that distract you. She actually was pretty good last night, that creeeeeepy witch lady with the gray, gray hair. I don’t get her style, never have and never will, but I suppose that doesn’t really matter. Or maybe it does. Last year I sort of wildly hated Adam Lambert, largely because he dressed like a 25th century space merchant and it was stupid. I suppose I am maybe that shallow. But in the case of Elizabeth Proctor up there… I don’t mind so much. She’s scary and Halloweeny, but sometimes we’re all a little scary and Halloweeny. We should forgive her that. We should not, however, forgive anyone for singing a song from 1964 on American Idol . I’m calling a moratorium. You are only allowed to sing things from the last twenty years. Srsly, if I have to hear any more Sam Cooke or “My Girl” or Janis Joplin on Idol ever again, I’m going to throw myself into the TV, and then I’ll be like John Ritter in that Stay Tuned movie, stuck forever in a hellish televisionscape, at the merciless whims of a devilish Jeffery Jones. And i don’t want that. That Delamor character was a surprising success last night! She didn’t sing that well, but she chose an interesting song. I mean Creed as a band is really only for mushy-hearted youth faith leaders from Ohio (who wear waffle crosses and are named Luke or Jared and wear cargo shorts and flipflops until November and shirts with lone stripes running across the top-middle and have tickets to the Dave Matthews concert in Columbus if you want to go, he’s always liked you since Mr. Radnor’s geometry class but he’s been too much of a vaguely sissified gentleman to ask you out until now, until this gauzy spring of senior year, and soon you’ll both be off at college, you at OSU and he at Miami, and then where will you be, where will any of us be?) but it was cool to see Delamor slow that shit down and strip it of all the swooping faux-grandeur. She did a nice job. Simon even said so. Good on you, Delamor! Perhaps you’ll be dimly dazzling us in the Top 12 rodeo. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. The Bad Red Hair McGee, come here for a second. No, it’s OK. I just want to talk to you. Hey. How are you? Having fun? Like being on TV? Good, good. Now look. What the red hot fuck was that last night? The judges told Lacey to sing in the style of Six Pence None the Richer (a known Christian band that Jared/Luke will put slyly on the radio when you are driving home from Columbus [you went!] and he will turn to you and smile and it will be goofy and sad, in the way nice things are) last week, and so she did just that. She sang “Kiss Me.” Remember that hot mess? It’s from the She’s All That Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, and it’s a piece of garbage — all twitty tinkle and sagging white Christmas lights. And Lacey didn’t do well with it. It came across really schmoozy and stupid and she was wearing a white version of Michael Jackson’s costume from the “Scream” video. There’s something I sincerely do not like about Lacey. Her hair is… I can’t really even go into the hair. (Jared/Luke’s sister, Tara, has the same hair. She moved to Akron after high school and takes a flew classes at the college, but mostly she works at SuperCuts and drives the lonely strip of Montrose at night. Sometimes for dinner it is Chili’s with Darren, who seems strangely cold now. And sometimes it is Red Robin with Dawn, who is getting bigger and who seems to be giving up, who doesn’t talk about London and Jane Austen anymore like she used to in high school, lying on Tara’s bed and staring up at the ceiling and dreaming about the future. Tara sits across the table from her, barely touching her burger, and she runs a hand through her piecey, choppy hair and she wonders what Jared/Luke is doing, if he ever asked that girl out, if he ever actually feels closer to God than she does.) I also really didn’t like the Stevens girl from CT. You know, the teen belter with the big coffee voice that belies her youth and is strangely unsettling? Yeah. She bothers me. Her little intro package was sooo fake and smug. Ick. You do not want to be in Middlebury High’s production of Pippin with her next fall. Trust. I Don’t Know What to Say Did you guys like that Epperly girl’s gonzo white piano Coldplay fiasco? I suppose fiasco is a strong word. But it was just so strange. Like, she sounded good and all? But… It just didn’t fit. Something was weird and wonky and off about it. It was so Grandiose. Epperly is Having a Moment. This is an unpleasant thought. That Epperly will have Moments on this show. That some of these people will have Moments all the way through, clear to May. Epperly made me realize just how much I don’t really get any of these Moment whittlers. All desperate-eyed and hungry. It’s unbecoming. That’s what Epperly’s performance was. Unbecoming . It was so needy. Eugh. Requisite Haeley Vaugh Section She sang “The Climb,” by Miley Cyrus. Of course she did. She’s so annoying. We get it, Haeley. You are Teen America. Your name is Haeley for Christ’s sake. That’s enough to know. We don’t need additional, mangled song evidence. “Haeley” says everything about you that you’d ever want us to know. Haeley. Internet iPod Twitter text feelings and blowjob parties! Teen Issues! Degrassi is lame and Justin Bieber is for 8th graders! I think Tim Urban asked me to give him a handjob in the rehearsal studio the other day and I think Ryan was watching from behind an old portrait! Teen Stuff! Haeley! We get it. We get it . Other People Sang Does anyone remember who?
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