Dear Bossip , I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for 2, going on 3 years now. I just turned 22 and he is 30 years old. But, you literally could not tell by looking at him, seeing that he looks very young, about 20 and he acts very youthful. About 5 months into us dating he was looking for a new place to live because his aunt who he lived with was relocating and was selling the house. He didn’t know much about finding a place in America, seeing that he was in the states for 3 years. So, I tried helping him find a place, but to no avail. I felt bad for him and told him he can stay at my place since his aunt was selling the house within a few days, but he would have to continue looking for a place to live. He lost his job working as a sales person and couldn’t find another one, which was a little strange to me, and he began to stress out. Around this time he came clean to me and told me he was married and going through a divorce, and also told me he wasn’t legal in America and that his wife volunteered to “help him,” but he left her because she cheated on him. So, he decided to go through the process alone. Right then and there I already knew what time it was. Now, before you start saying, “She’s so young and naive.” No, I am far from it. I decided that since his wife didn’t help him, then I will, only because he’s a very, very ambitious person with sky high goals, a go-getter, caring, intelligent and motivating person, even to this day and someone like that needs a chance. After telling him that I would help him, things got back to normal. He received a job and decided he would stay with me and help pay the bills and rent. My mother literally fell in love with him, my brothers go crazy over him, and he makes everyone laugh, and feel comfortable. He motivates everyone he comes in contact with. He’s still the gentle man he was from day one. Holding doors open for myself, as well as others, male or female, pulling seats out and he just oozes mannerism. I have nothing negative to say about him except…he’s very sneaky. About 6 months into our relationship with him living with me, I noticed he would always walk around the house with his cell phone and would never leave it in just hanging around like any normal person would in their home. He would tuck it under the couch, take it in the bathroom with him. That’s when I knew something was up. So, one morning I decided to check his phone and low and behold there’s a pic of another woman’s private area in his message. When I confronted him about it he didn’t apologize all he did was laugh…a very nervous and, “Oh, -ish I got caught” laugh. I told him he is very ungrateful and disrespectful especially if he knows that I’m helping him with his “legal” issues. Months go by and I go out for my birthday to California, and he lost his phone. The neighbor found it (my pic was on his screensaver) and something told me to check his Facebook because he always told me he didn’t have one, but I knew he did. I checked the messages and almost every female he messaged he asked them when they would have sex and even asked a female to go out for drinks on my birthday! He apologized (because he got caught) and volunteered to delete his FB. Now, that was in the pass and I got over it, but it still kills me inside. Fast forward to 2015 and things changed drastically since the beginning of our relationship, and I could tell he started to have a lot more respect towards me and we began to have much more fun. A few weeks ago he received a call from a female and she asked him if he was watching “Empire” because she could hear it in the back ground. He says no and she asked who is. He says, “uhhh…” that’s it. He doesn’t tell her his woman is watching it like how he would tell his male friends. He knows the password to my phone and I don’t care because I barely call or text anyone, and I’m not doing anything I’m not supposed to be doing. Now, all of a sudden he has a new phone and even if I look at the phone it’s like he’s going to die. Last night we were watching TV and I asked him if I could use his phone to edit my pic since I deleted that app from my phone. He said sure, but instead texted someone 2 times then deleted the text and told me he will edit the pic for me. I replied by telling him that I know how to do it and he still refused. So, I explained to him what I seen him do and he literally sat in my face and told me I’m crazy because he isn’t texting anyone. I do have strong feelings for him and he’s really an amazing guy. He helped me receive a job I’ve been dying for. He’s always there for me and vice versa. We literally stay up all night talking about how we want to open up multiple businesses and want other couples to look up to us. But, I just cannot deal with the sneaky side to him. Please help me figure out what to do. I know what to do, but I’m still holding on. – Don’t Trust Him Dear Ms. Don’t Trust Him , Did you say he doesn’t look 30, and he looks like he’s in his twenties, and he acts very youthful? Welp, why are you complaining about him when he’s acting like the age he thinks he is? He’s young, silly, and immature, but you’re investing him because???? By the way, you are young and you are naïve. He is taking advantage of you, the situation, and the opportunity. You claim to be so mature, yet, this fool that you had only been dating for 5 months misled and lied to you about his life and situation. You didn’t know he was married, which meant you were dating a married man, and still are. He told you he was illegal in America, but you chose to harbor an illegal person in your home because, please, again tell me how smart and mature you are? SMDH! You do realize if he –ish goes down, you’re going down too because you know he is here illegally. But, then, you sit your so smart and intelligent ass up here and offer to marry him to keep him in the country talking about someone like him deserves a second chance. Please tell me how smart is that? Please tell me why you, someone who is not naïve, would offer to marry someone you barely know, and he’s been lying to you from the beginning, and he is still lying to you. (Sips tea) You have this fool living in your house, but, he’s emailing, texting, calling, and attempting to hook up with other women even after you’ve offered to help him and his situation. Yeah, okay. You’re smart and you’re not naïve. I have a question – Who is going to pay for his divorce from his wife? And, when is this supposed to happen? Oh, yeah, and when are you and he getting married? (Sips tea) What’s sad is that you allowed this man into your home and then you let him meet your family. But, he is playing all of you. He is manipulating and being deceptive to your mother and brothers, telling you all what you want to hear. He’s showing you what you want to see. If he’s deceptive and sneaky with you, then why would you think he wouldn’t be the same with them? Then, you say he motivates everyone and he makes people laugh and feel comfortable. Well, they have a name for someone like that – con artist. You notice the pattern that every time you catch him in a lie, or catch him texting, and talking with other women he laughs if off, and doesn’t admit it. However, he falls into the pattern of being on his best behavior for a few days or weeks, and you think everything is fine and things are going great, until you learn he’s doing it all over again. HE HAS A PATTERN! Wake your young dumbass up and stop being naïve. He’s playing you. And, I bet he’s already met up and slept with another woman. You’re not as smart as you think you are. He is one step ahead of you. What’s sad is that you keep believing his ole okey-doke bull-ish about getting married, being this perfect couple, opening up businesses, and having this wonderful life together. Sweetie, he is using you until he can become legal in this country. Trust and believe that he didn’t leave his other wife because she was cheating. She left him for the very same reason you should leave him. He’s the cheater. He’s the liar. She recognized his game and she woke her ass up and realized that he was using her to get into this country, and she learned he was hitting up other women. And, now he’s found another pawn, that will be you, and he’s playing you like the young naïve dumbass you are. Notice that the beginning of your letter when he came to you with the sob story that his aunt was moving and he had no place to go. Yeah, I don’t believe that. Then, he had days to find a place to live, but he couldn’t find an apartment, or room to live? I’m sorry, but I’m sure he knew his aunt was moving way before he told you. She didn’t just decide to up and leave and sell her house. That takes time. He is the one who waited until the last few days to tell you because he had a plan. And, now he’s living with you. Then, he lost his job. Oh, how convenient. But, let’s say that all of this really happened. You offered to let him stay with you, but the deal was that he was supposed to continue looking for an apartment. Well, what happened to that? Why didn’t he continue looking for a place? You see, Ms. Honey, you’re not as smart as you think you are. You think you have the man of your dreams. You have a con artist living with you. Get him out of your life. Move on from him and do not marry this man. He is not to be trusted. If you can’t trust him now, then after you marry him please know that things will not change. He will continue doing what he is doing, and it will get worse. You will find out he’s sleeping with various women, and he will be staying out late, taking them to dinner, and will have a full on relationship with them. The man received a call from another woman while he was sitting with you watching television, and he didn’t even state you were his woman. HELLO!?!?! And, he has a new phone and he’s doing the very same thing he did when he had his last phone. He won’t let you see it. He has it with him at all times. He’s gotten smarter about deleting his messages. And, girl, please know he didn’t delete his Facebook. He has another one, but it’s under a different name. Don’t play yourself. And, stop letting him play you. If you’re so smart and not naïve, then do what you got to do and put him out of your house. You don’t owe him anything. You are harboring an illegal in your home, and you’re dating a married man. End this relationship and find someone your own age, and who doesn’t have all this drama going on in their life. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: He’s Not Legal & I Offered To Marry Him, But I Don’t Trust Him
