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Only five bachelors remain for Desiree Hartsock . On tonight’s episode of  The Bachelorette she’ll travel with them to Madeira where Brooks Forester  will make a shocking revelation. Feelings are forming, y’all. If last week’s previews are any indicator, there are sure to be man tears tonight. So let’s get started with our  THG +/-  recap system! (Impatient? We don’t blame you. Skip straight to The Bachelorette  spoilers . It’s our little secret.) Madeira is beautiful and completely fueling my wanderlust.  Plus 7 . Chris is falling in love with Desiree. He’s ready to introduce her to his family, buy her a ring, and have a litter of puppies. Or babies. Whichever.  Plus 3 . Des invited girls from her Bachelor season to give her their thoughts on the remaining five bachelors. Among them? Catherine, Sean Lowe’s fiancee. Awkward.    Desiree’s falling in love with more than one guy. Uh-oh. As the girls are chatting about the guys, the guys decide to go for a dip in the pool. Conveniently.  Minus 5 . Drew racks up “best kisser” and “best body” while Chris gets “most athletic.” Brooks gets “best eyes” and Zak gets “most adventurous.” Des has daydreamed of who has the best Junior and says they’ll all be great at first. Naughty, naughty!! Brooks has his second one-on-one date with Desiree and thinks today is about taking things to the next level. Chris can see the connection Des and Brooks have and that makes him nervous. She has to decide if she wants to meet his parents and if she wants him to meet her parents. And Brooks has to decide if he wants to introduce Desiree to his parents. It’s all so angsty.  Minus 7 . Brooks wants to figure out where their relationship is and they decide they need an adjective between like and love to describe where they are. He’s definitely not himself on this date. Des pictures her life with Brooks as an adventure each and every day. She’s falling in love with Brooks and wants him to know it.  Plus 9. They’re on a date that is actually in the clouds. It’s other-worldly. Brooks says that things with the two of them are easy already. He’s looking for someone to put together the puzzle pieces with him. Des can see Brooks as her husband and in the past 30 seconds she’s said “falling in love” or “find love” at least 10 times.  Minus 4 What they both want is to be in love with someone. So they’re on the same page. Des says they’ve had a breakthrough in their relationship but that sounded like a lot of wishy-washy non-committal back-and-forth to my ears.  They share a touching “I’m so glad to be here with you” and then shout that they’re on Cloud 9 out into the, um, clouds. Back at the house, Chris gets a one-on-one date for the following day. He’s ready to give a “Tiger Woods fist pump.” Thus solidifying his superlative as Most Athletic.  Plus 5 Desiree is falling in love with Brooks and hopes that after their dinner, they’ll both be able to say the same.  Brooks’ family gets really attached to his girlfriends, so he’s a little afraid to introduce Des to them. Desiree says that first and foremost, she wants Brooks to  want her to meet his family.  Plus 4 He brings up their adjective game and she says skipping, jogging, running, and finish line. It’s a marathon not a sprint?  Brooks feels like Desiree admitting that she’s running toward the finish line with him was “honest” but he’s “behind in his emotional process.” That sounds like the new “It’s not you, it’s me.”  Minus 9. He decides he needs her to meet his family so that he’ll know if he’s running or jogging or dropping out of the race. Desiree feels fireworks when she kisses Brooks. Eh, could’ve been all the red wine. Chris and Des depart for their date. On a yacht. She’s taking him to a deserted island.  Insert Lost jokes here .  Gratuitous swimsuits for the both of them so they can talk about their hot chemistry while he helps her work out some kinks. Now they’re dressed again and following the deserted island’s well-manicured path.  She asks if the Chris she gets is the Chris his friends get and Chris says “100%.” And then he brings out a bottle and some paper and decides they’re going to write a poem together.  Poems are so William Shakespeare. And by that I mean dead.  Minus 4. They work their way toward the shore to toss in the bottle and Chris says “we’re gonna get a little wet.” Is he talking about the ocean, or their amazing chemistry? Hmmmm.  He’s not falling for Desiree. He’s fallen. And he plans to tell her that night at dinner.  Plus 9. Desiree makes a toast to Chris being such a wonderful and supportive man. She enjoys his “boyish” qualities. I can’t actually decide if that’s a compliment. He asks how big a family she wants and he says three to four kids. Chris is good with that.  Plus 4 . Dinner is going great, conversation and wine is flowing, and then Chris starts sweating. Because he’s nervous. Way, crazy nervous. It’s silly and cute and also ridiculous. Annnnd, there’s another poem.  Minus 4 . Just SAY IT ALREADY. Oh. There it is. Desiree doesn’t say it back, but she does kiss him a lot. She’s falling for him, though, so that’s something. And there’s more kissing. A lot more.  Date #3 in Madeira is with Michael. It’s his first one-on-one date. Here’s hoping he doesn’t prosecute her. Or cross-examine her.  There are no cocktails above the clouds or on deserted islands with Michael. They’re just going to explore the town. That’s already a less awesome date than her other two. Michael knows the color royal blue.  Minus 4 . When Michael kisses Desiree, he feels a flood of emotions. Which I guess is what they’re calling it these days. They take a toboggan ride all the way down the island and she laughs while he makes almost no sounds at all. He’s very…stick in the mud. After seeing her on dates with Brooks and Chris, it’s clear that Michael is not the one. Desiree is looking for vulnerability from Michael, which is a side she has yet to see. He plans to lay it all out there for her. Dinner gets off to an awkward start with Michael thanking her for the day. It’s super weird.  Minus 2 . He definitely shows his softer side when he talks about his mom and the sacrifices she made to raise him. His dad left when he was young and Michael has taken that experience and used it to learn what he’ll do better when he becomes a dad some day. Desiree’s ovaries start to flutter.  Plus 7 . Michael’s last girlfriend cheated on him after moving to Miami to be with him and he was heartbroken. It took him a year to feel ready to move on. And move on he has. To Desiree.  Plus 8 . Michael never stops talking. Ever. Ever ever.  Minus 15 . Zak and Drew are going on a two-on-one date with Desiree. There’s a rose on their date, but neither of them will go home at the end of the night.  They’re racing go karts for Desiree’s heart. And Desiree in a go kart makes Zak’s heart race. Plus 4 . After the three of them go around the track together, Desiree bows out and sends the guys out against each other. The winner gets a prize. Desiree, perhaps?  Zak calls love like the rush of adrenaline when you’re speeding through a race. He wins. Easily.  Plus 12. Poor Drew. Since Zak won the race, he gets alone time with Desiree first. He wants the rose so he can take Desiree back to his hometown. He recaps everything for her with drawings from day one to that moment. These are way better than Chris’ poems. Way.  Plus 23 . After some kissing, he makes her laugh and holds back the words “I Love You” since she’s also on a date with Drew.  Plus 12 . Drew’s glad that it’s finally his time with Desiree and considers this date and introducing her to his family a “statement of his future intentions.”  He says his family was almost as excited that he would be meeting her as he was. So that’s not creepy at all. She tries to get him to loosen up a little and he giggles. It’s ridiculous.  Minus 3 . He’s never had feelings like this before. With anyone. And he’s fallen in love with her.  Zak maybe should’ve stepped up his game a little bit and dropped the L word. It’s not looking good for him right now. She gives the rose to Drew.  And now it’s time for a rose ceremony. There’s another reminder that feelings have formed as Desiree heads into a chat with Chris Harrison.  Since she’s done a good job of keeping the five relationships separate, there’s a good chance someone’s getting his heart broken tonight.  Desiree says that Drew is the best looking guy she’s ever met and also kind. She smiles and giggles when Chris says “Brooks.” Since their date, she’s hit the finish line regarding Brooks. But Brooks doesn’t know that yet. She tears up when she thinks about being in love again.  Chris asks if things are over and she says she’s still keeping an open mind. And also falling in love with Chris, too. She’s made her decision so they head into the rose ceremony. Drew is safe and will be introducing Desiree to his family next week on the hometown dates. She’ll also be meeting Brooks’ family. And Chris’ family. And Zak’s family.  It’s back to Miami for Michael.  Plus 10. Her relationships with the other guys have grown in ways that her relationship with Michael hasn’t. He’s heartbroken but he thinks the world of her.  He was excited to introduce her to his family and says that no girl will be able to match up to her so he doesn’t know when he’ll ever be able to date again. Hey Michael? That sort of thing is why you’re going home, dude. He calls his mom from the limo ride to the airport. So that’s sweet? EPISODE TOTAL: +63 SEASON TOTAL: +389

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The Bachelorette Recap: And Then There Were Five