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Leave it to The Real Housewives of New Jersey to turn a “Horse Whisper to a Scream.”  Read on as we recap who embraced their vulnerable side and who ended up looking like a horse’s ass  in our THG +/- review. Jersey is still in the house at the Mirval Resort and Spa and it may never be the same again. But psychic advisors and gong therapy aren’t what Melissa envisioned for her birthday.  “I’m done. I want a f**king cocktail by the pool in a bikini.” Plus 15. No one can say she’s not a girl who knows what she want. Everyone’s still recovering from the ghost whisperer when they all head out to see a horse whisperer.  Funny thing is, Wyatt the equine therapist reads these Jersey housewives and their hubbies like the comic book characters they are. Plus 22. As they head towards the stables everyone comments on how refreshing it is. It’s a healing place. Or in Joe Guidice words, “It smells like sh*t.”  Plus 7 for keeping it real Joe. We expect nothing less. Wyatt tells this motley crew that when they’re not being authentic, the horse can pick up on it. Energy is his language. I wouldn’t blame the poor creature if he took off at a full gallop and never looked back. Everyone thinks this is a bunch of hooey until Wyatt takes one look at Richie and tells him that he creates jokes so he doesn’t have to pay attention to what he feels. Plus 20. Nailed it. It also comes out that Richie has a lousy temper and yells at Kathy when he’s aggravated. Somehow the fact that he drives his wife to tears on a regular basis is a shocker to Richie even after decades of marriage. Minus 30 . OK. Show of hands…who thought Juicy Joe was taking a phone call from his mistress?  Yeah, me too but it only turned out to be Milania.  But the look on Teresa’s face made me wonder if she was worried too. The Gorgas and the Guidices can’t get the poor horse to raise his hoof. Not a good sign. But plus 27 to Joe Guidice for actually admitting that he’s scared about his legal issues and giving his horse technique another go. When Melissa doesn’t know how to handle the horse, she falls back on her instincts…or as Wyatt dubs it, her “whore on a stroll walk.” Plus 33 . This guy is good. He also explains that there’s a difference between being nice and being manipulative.  If you’re being nice you’re not expecting anything in return. Ha! When was the last time that happened between Melissa and Teresa? In one of the most touching moments, Albert opens up about being abused as a child and Wyatt terms Caroline Manzo’s support of her husband a “thing of beauty.”  Plus 22 .  Then Caroline turns around and handles that horse like a pro. The aftermath of the day is even more telling. Kathy realizes her voice deserves to be heard, even when her husband and the other Housewives seem to drown her out. Of course Teresa describe this breakthrough as, “Kathy’s having one of her Marcia, Marcia, Marcia moments.” Minus 13 Damn Teresa. Heaven forbid it’s not all about you. As the rest of the group walks away with the knowledge that sometimes the more vulnerable you are, the better off you’ll be, Teresa and Melissa decide the therapy was a waste time. They don’t have any insecurities. ……OK. I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop laughing. Or should I be crying because I can’t decide whether that is funny or sad. At least Teresa made the effort to approach Jacqueline. Jacqueline admits that Teresa is like the horse. She’s afraid if she gets too close she might get kicked. Good analogy. But if Tre were a true friend she should have told Jacqueline her hair was a mess on camera. Just sayin… At least Teresa got something out of the day.  What did Melissa learn? “That I can’t lift a horse’s leg.” So much for therapy. Episode total = +103!                    Season total = -343!

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: No Horsing Around