Tag Archives: lifestyle

The guidos of coastal New Jersey can’t really be called a peace-loving tribe, but when battle is done, it is usually for good reason and because one party is provoked. Sometimes it’s just cause they’re drunk. Either way—fascinating.

In the most important sociological experiment of our time, we will see what happens when are subjects are introduced to outside stimulus that leads to violence, and it will show us important things about their character, how they react to each other, and how they react to the outside world.

Family is very important to this species of animal, and when The Situation’s sister comes to visit, it is a big day for him, especially because she looks like him in a wig, as Vinny says. However, it is important for the guidos that their friends and family mesh well, because they are the two most important things in his life—well, next to getting laid. When Vinny harbors a crush on The Situation’s sister, Extenuating Circumstances, The Situation is proud and happy, because his world’s are coming together. However, he warns Vinny from going too far or else he’ll wind up “in [The Situation’s] trunk.” The guido holds their friends so close that they are like family, so if a friend is to hook up with another member of the family it is like incest. Other than a “grown ass man” punching a female, that is the most horrible taboo.

Vinny’s extended family also comes to visit (including his second cousin’s boyfriend, who appears to be Jewish and completely befuddled by the whole, um, situation) and his mother knows how to bribe Vinny’s friends into loving her: with food. Eating is the primary activity to enjoy with family, since dancing, drinking, hooking up, and fighting are all activities enjoyed with peers. It seems that all Vinny’s family does while visiting is eat—not go to the beach, not check out the town, just eat. And they don’t sample the local cuisine. Food is so important to the culture that it needs to be imported from outside to be enjoyed properly.

While family and friends are kept close, there is still an excess of random strangers wandering around the milieu, because without them, there would be no conflict. Last night there was the random cute guy eating pizza with The Situation, the super cute guy who shows up with Extenuating Circumstances, Snooki’s repeat offender Mike, some random naked girl running through the living room, a few ladies on the porch during Snooki’s fight, the big black guys who broke up all the fights, and fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern who called The Situation and DJ Paulie Dropkick to alert them to the fight that Ronnie just got in on the boardwalk. These are like catalysts to our experiment. They don’t impede the action as it unfolds, but they must surely speed it up, and for them, we are forever grateful.

Speaking of strangers, it appears that ShamWOWW and Vinny switched personalities in some Freaky Friday incident, because he was all over this episode and the warrior princess barely made an appearance in an hour that entirely revolved around fighting. Was she in a Vicodin-induced coma or something? Was she fighting a severe case of puke breath?

We will never know, but we do know what these words mean, and it is important that you do too to understand what is about to go down.

* Creep Mode: The state a male goes into when he is looking to find a girl be linked to sexually. He can only enter into this state when he is unattached to a female or so angry with his attached female that he wants to lash out at her in spite.
* Back: To return to being single and being eligible for hunting women sexually. The effects of being “back” are known to wear off suddenly.
* Motorboat: The meaning of this strange and arcane word isn’t entirely known. It either means that one is ready to party or go somewhere with a lot of fan fare, like the noisy vehicle, or it can also mean to blow into a woman’s breasts while shaking one’s head back and forth. It can also mean both simultaneously.
* Strike Three: The third offense someone makes against an individual. If that individual makes numerous strikes over a long period of time, it is the final strike before ending a relationship.
* Grenade Launcher: A stronger, larger, more powerful, and deadlier version of the Grenade. The relationship between Grenade and Grenade Launcher is much like the relationship between Grendel and Grendel’s mother. While one is known to terrorize a hall of warriors, the other will utterly destroy it.
* Creatures: An unattractive, badly-behaved, and often violent female. Just like eskimos have 700 words for snow, the guido has as many variations of this insult. See also: hippos, linebackers, elephants, zoo creatures.