Dear Bossip , I met a wonderful man 2 years ago. It took him about a year to convince me to date him. Even though I liked him I was a single mom in college and had just gotten out of a relationship and thought it best not to date for awhile. And, not to mention he was in a bad situation also. He was out of work, and living with his mom and sister. He has custody of his three kids and the mom is one of those who is only there when it is good for her or the public’s view of her. His devotion and our similarity in how to raise our children was one of the reasons I was attracted to him. So, I was his friend and gave moral support until he got on his feet. At that point we began dating. After a few months he asked me and my son to move in. Let me start off saying his kids are somewhat good kids, but they have a lot of issues, mostly from the abandonment of their mother in which she left to start a new family with her new husband. And, I really try to understand this and appreciate, sometimes, their lashing out at me because I know it is not really me they are lashing out at. But, here is my dilemma: I am a very strict mama. My son gets straight A’s and hardly gets in trouble at home or school because he knows I do not play. I will take everything away and I will stick to it for a long time if I have to. Before I moved in with this man he was like that to his children. But, now it’s like aliens have taken over his body. Case in point: Both of his boys get suspended – one for fighting, and the other for not listening to the bus driver. He did nothing. There were no phones taken away, no spanking, no games taken away, no grounding, not even a good talking too. Their mom even bought them a brand new game. One of the boys got suspended again the same week he went back. I put my foot down about respecting me and my son, but I realize these aren’t my kids and the choices they make do not affect me or how I raise my son. But, is so tiring to always come home to kids acting like they don’t have any sense and my son is looking at me like why can’t I get away with that. I love this man and the only problems we have is with his kids, especially when they disrespect me or my son and our material possessions. He does nothing. I have talked to him repeatedly about this and to no avail. This is a total 180 from what he was like when he was by himself with the kids. I know I have to figure out if this relationship is worth it. But my question to you, Terrance, is am I wrong for not wanting to deal with children that act like they have no sense, respect or appreciation? – Tired of Dealing With Bay-Bay’s Kids Dear Ms. Tired of Dealing With Bay-Bay’s Kids , To rectify this situation and problem of not having to deal with someone else’s children that act as if they don’t have no sense, respect, or appreciation of you or their father, then, you and your child move into your own home, and you visit your boyfriend. Therefore, you don’t have to live in a house with children who don’t respect their elders, are disruptive in school, and who will not influence your child to do what they are doing. And, you won’t have to deal with children who are probably upset about their parent’s separation/divorce, their mother abandoning them, and another woman being in their home whom they see as trying to replace their mother. I’m sure the kids are probably upset, and angry about their parent’s splitting up, especially since their mother is with a new man and has a new family. The boys are living with their father, which was probably a decision made by the parents, and the father felt it best the boys be with him. So, they are probably trying to understand what’s going on while dealing with their emotional and mental issues, which will explain them acting up in school, and being disrespectful to you. And, since you mentioned that the father doesn’t do anything to reprimand them, or even deal with their suspensions with any type of consequences, then, it leads me to believe that he probably feels guilty, or feels the need to let them act out because their mother is not there. And, he probably thought you would step in and help with the disciplining, or your moving in would not be as disruptive and the boys would take to another woman being in the home. Ultimately, the burden is on him. The burden of disciplining his children, and getting them into therapy to deal with their emotions and mentality is on him, and they need to be in therapy to talk about how they feel, especially with their mother not being in the home and starting another family. It doesn’t surprise me that they may feel abandoned. Their mother left them. They are probably asking themselves, why didn’t their mother take them with her? How could she start a new family and not include them? They probably do feel left out, and neglected. The father doesn’t know what to do and how to handle them. And, let’s not forget that when you met him he was living with his mother and sister, who are two women-figures in the boy’s lives that have been stable maternal figures. So, he had help. They boys were in a stable environment, and it was disrupted when he moved out and moved you in. Things are not going to change with the boys until their father steps up his discipline and repercussions for their behavior. He also needs to put them in therapy so they can express their emotions and how they are feeling about all of this happening. Until then, they will continue to act out and do what they are doing. He is going to have his hands full. And, no matter how much you talk, complain, and ask him to do something about it, he won’t because he feels guilty. Also, you are putting him in a position to choose between you and his boys. There is a fight happening between the boys and you. Both of you want his attention, his guidance, and his direction. He is trying to stay neutral, but this is only making the situation worse. Thus, I recommend that you and your son move into your own home, and you continue dating. He needs to get a handle on his own home before another woman comes into the picture, and he needs to work on his disciplinary skills with his children. Dating will you and he to figure out how if this is something you really want, and if you can blend your families. It will allow for time to pass, and for him to get a better handle on his home life, dealing with his boys, and making sure their environment is stable. Besides, it will also help to keep your sanity, and not have your children being influenced by their behavior. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: I’m Dealing With My Man & His Bay-Bay Kids & I’m Tired Of It
