Tag Archives: originals

Dear Bossip , I’m in love and I don’t know what to do about it. I met this guy four years ago through some mutual friends and we immediately connected. We were hanging out all the time kissing and just enjoying each other’s company, but we weren’t exclusively together until two years later. I had realized I loved him, but I didn’t say anything and to my surprise he asked me to be his girlfriend. Shortly after, I gave him my virginity. I ended up having to break up with him a month later because he had quickly changed in the relationship, and I got the feeling he didn’t want to be in it anymore. We continued a sexual relationship as well as hanging out together as friends. I tried to end the sexual part multiple times, but he always pulled me back in. We dated other people off and on, but we always came back to each other when we were single. He even tried to fool around with me while he was in a relationship. Almost every other girl he’s dated has either lied to him, cheated on him, or used him in some way. I’ve told him that I loved him and I wanted more than just friends with benefits and he’s told me things like, “I have a weakness for you,” and, “I have feelings for you,” and, “I’m glad you told me,” but nothing came of it. In June, we had a big fight and didn’t speak for a month. During this time we also moved to different states. He texted me in July asking if we could go back to the way we were. When I asked what changed his mind, he said, “his feelings for me.” I told him I loved him, but I couldn’t go back because he’s hurt me too much. He said, “Ok, I understand,” and that was that. It is now almost three months later and we still haven’t spoken. Recently, he’ll get online and ‘like’ one of my pictures and then post sad love songs right after. I still have not reached out in any way, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss our friendship. I was considering reaching out to him simply as a friend. I figured I wouldn’t have to worry about our friendship becoming about sex again since we are in two different states. My friend believes three months is not long enough for him to miss me and change. I just really want another opinion. Should I reach out and try to just be friends? – Tired and Confused Dear Ms. Tired and Confused , If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, then he would be there with you. Or, he would make a way for you to be with him. I’m sorry, ma’am, but a man who says he’s in love and really wants his woman, he will make a way to be with her no matter the distance, or obstacle. He will get to her. What I suspect is that he knows that you’re available, and will always be available for him. Yes, you allow yourself to be ready, willing, and available whenever he calls. You keep calling this relationship a ‘friendship,’ and in actuality it is a sexual relationship. You are not friends. So, please stop saying that. You want something more, and you want him to be your man. Therefore, you can’t claim you are friends when you keep sleeping with him. You want a relationship, and I’m sorry to say, but he doesn’t. Thus, he keeps you in this rollercoaster emotional game of going up and down with his charade, when in actuality he is not interested in a serious relationship with you. He likes what you and he have and that is a sexual relationship. You are convenient sex for him, and he can’t tell you that is what you are for him because you have stated to him that you want something more, and not just to be his bed buddy. You see, having sex with someone is a spiritual connection. You become spiritually connected with someone, and you have to be very careful of those you spread your legs and allow to enter you. In the sex act between men and women, men are givers, and women are receivers. Men deposit into women, and women receive a man’s energy and spirit. And, it is also vice-versa. Women give to men, and transfer their spirit and energy to men. By inviting him into you, you are welcoming him and giving yourself to him. So, when relationships end, it is necessary to cleanse and heal yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically. Otherwise, that person’s spirit will linger in you and it will be difficult to remove yourself from them, such as in your case. I am sure this is emotionally taxing for you, but you have to stop investing in him and in something that will never manifest. This relationship has run its course. And, please stop deceiving yourself that you and he can ever be friends. That will never happen. You can’t separate your feelings for him, and neither your emotional and physical connection from him. You are too invested, too connected, and too involved to simply be his friend. You can’t do it. Look at your past with him. You keep letting him back into your life. You won’t allow yourself to be alone, and to remove yourself from him emotionally, mentally, or physically. You’re always sleeping with him and having sex. You’re never just his friend. Now, you’re asking me if you should reach out to him after you haven’t heard from him in nearly three months since he reached out to you via text and said he wanted to go back to the way things used to be. Girl, he texted you. He didn’t call you. He didn’t come visit you. He texted you. And, when you said you couldn’t go back, he responded by saying he understood, and you haven’t heard from him since. It’s been nearly three months and you haven’t heard from him, and you’re wondering if you should reach out to rekindle a friendship. Sigh. I can’t. Ma’am, you need to let it go. Let him go. Stop waiting, hoping, and wishing that this turn into something like it was, or he will be the man that you want. He isn’t, and he won’t. Your relationship ran its course. It didn’t work. Why do you keep going back to something that ended? Why are you revisiting the past? He’s shown you who he is, and what he is about? He is unable to commit. He hasn’t made any effort to be in a relationship, nor has he made any effort to be with you faithfully. He’s moved on, and so should you. He’s living his life, and he’s keeping you in his rolodex because why would he give up some steady sex? He is no fool. But, you are. Stop allowing him to play with your heart and emotions. As a matter of fact, how about you stop being a doormat and get up from the ground. He can’t walk over you if you won’t lay down for him. – Terrance Dean ***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)** Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

Original post:
Dear Bossip: I Ended It & Wanted To Be Friends, But I Can’t Seem To Let Him Go