Dear Bossip , I’ve been with my boyfriend for four and a half years and our relationship has not progressed at all. I know that my bad relationship with his mom has something to do with it. The first time I met her me and my boyfriend were going to his coworkers wedding. So I met him at his house. By the way, he’s twenty-eight almost twenty-nine years old, and his thirty-three year old brother still lives with their parents, which I think is a turnoff since I’m thirty and I have my own place. But anyway, when I met her she smiled and was very pleasant until she handed me a wool scarf in ninety degree weather and told me to cover up the top of my dress, which I do have large breasts, but there was no cleavage showing. But, I guess she could tell how big they are through the dress. This made me feel uncomfortable and when my boyfriend came in the room she said, “Look what I gave your girlfriend? I gave her a gift already.” At that moment I realized she was trying to manipulate him into thinking she liked me, but in all actuality she never liked me. After a while I soon realized my boyfriend was naive and has been manipulated by his mom his whole life. He tells me the reason why he lives at home is because his mother loves him so much and she doesn’t want him to leave, but I know the real reason she wants him there is because his brother doesn’t work, doesn’t have a car or a cell phone and his father doesn’t work. The only people that work are my boyfriend and his mother, so she depends on him so she can take three or four expensive trips a year, get new carpet through the whole house, new windows, new siding for the house, renovated kitchen and bathroom, etc. He’s been telling me that we are going on a trip every year and it never happens because he has to pay for her trips. She uses him because she feels he does things for me financially, so it’s like a competition which is very childish to me. I don’t like his brother because he stole my boyfriend’s income tax check and went shopping with it. He used my boyfriend’s name on several occasions because he drives his baby mother’s car with no license and gets pulled over. And, then my boyfriend gets letters in the mail telling him he has court dates where he has to take off from work for this. What’s more bizarre is the fact that he doesn’t even confront his brother about these things. That’s another turn-off – he’s weak and doesn’t stand up for himself. The biggest issue for me is the fact that I’ve expressed to him that I want to get married and start having kids. His response is he wants to make sure he’s ready. He’s been telling me this same thing for years, and now I realize it’s just an excuse. I already act like we are married, for example when he comes over I have a hot meal ready for him. I run his bath, and I basically do everything to please him because I want him to be happy, but I’ve realized he’s not trying to make me happy with what I want. I’ve found myself lately thinking why is he with me? Because it seems like he doesn’t want to start a family, get married or anything that shows commitment to me. Am I just a game to him? Could it be because his mom doesn’t like me? I don’t know what to think, but I know one thing I’m not happy, but I love him. But I know something just ain’t right. Please help. I need advice. – His Momma, Family, Or Me Dear Ms. His Momma, Family, Or Me , Of course something ain’t right, and it’s YOU! Have you ever heard of that little sing-song game, “Which one of these things don’t belong…” Well, that’s you, Ms. Honey. You are not a part of the family, or even a consideration to be included into the family. Chile, how am I going to break this to you gently, yet sternly? Hmmm, okay, I got it. HE IS NOT GOING TO MARRY YOU. HIS MOTHER DOESN’T LIKE YOU. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO COME BETWEEN HIS MOTHER OR HIS FAMILY. HE HAS ALREADY CHOSEN, AND, YOU MY DEAR, ARE NOT A FACTOR! Girl, really? Really! You’re over there wondering after four and a half years if the man you’ve been seeing is going to marry you after you’ve expressed to him that you want to get married and start a family and his response is, “I want to make sure I’m ready.” OMG! How many times must I spell it out and write this over and over and over again – If a man is telling you that he is not ready to get married or be in a relationship, then guess what that means? He’s not going to wife you or make you his woman. He’s not interested in settling down with you. You’re something to do until someone better comes along. You’ve asked, “It seems like he doesn’t want to start a family, get married or anything that shows commitment to me. Am I just a game to him?” Uhm, you think! Then, you go on to say, “I already act like we are married, for example when he comes over I have a hot meal ready for him. I run his bath, and I basically do everything to please him because I want him to be happy, but I’ve realized he’s not trying to make me happy with what I want. I’ve found myself lately thinking why is he with me?” Sigh! If you’re already acting married, then why would he marry you? If you’re going above and beyond to make him happy and he is not doing anything to make you happy, then what part of that relationship are you confused about? He doesn’t value you, respect you, or even care about you. Chile, I wish I could send this All-Concern Memo to the world and have folks wake up and stop walking around in these relationship stupors chasing these men and trying to make them fall in love with you, marry you, and start a family with you. If they don’t want to be with you why are you obsessed with being with them? Why am I even asking this question? I already know the answer. It’s because we all want what we can’t have. And, the more we can’t have something the harder we fight for it. You’re over there fighting to make this man marry you, and you’re fighting with his family that you obviously don’t like and can’t stand, and in your own damn words you said, “I’m not happy, but I love him.” Why the hell would you want to marry someone whom you are not happy with, nor makes you happy, or adds to your happiness? SMDH! Oh, I get it, you want to get him to marry you so that you can prove to his mother that you won and that you got him. You want to be able to flaunt it in her face that she doesn’t have that much control over him and you’re the Queen B. LMBAO! It’s painfully and glaringly obvious that his mother doesn’t like you. She is not going to have anyone, especially another woman, interrupt her household and her babies from straying away from the nest. So, the competition you speak of, uhm, BREAKING NEWS – THIS JUST IN: You’re not going to win. You will lose every time. Besides, I wouldn’t take it personal either that his mother doesn’t like you, because she really doesn’t know you. She has no cause to dislike you, but it’s the mere fact that another woman could influence her child, her baby, her “man child,” and if she’s benefitting from ruling her household with psychological, emotional, and mental means, you don’t stand a chance. Also, your man is weak, has no backbone, spine, or courage. The entire family runs over him and uses him. That damn brother is a hot a** mess! And, his mother runs his life, just like she runs her entire household. He is not going to make a move or do anything without consent from his mother, and even after she is long gone on to glory the remnants and effects of her psychological and emotional wrath will affect him for his entire life. He needs extensive therapy, counseling, cleansing, and the blood of Jesus! Here’s what I want to know: Why are you dating a grown a** man who voluntarily lives at home with his momma? Why are you interested in being with a man who is babied, coddled, and living on his mother’s tit? Chile, something is clearly wrong with him. Either, he’s slow, and the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top. Or, he loves being at home because he doesn’t have to spend any money, except for what he gives his mother. His mother cooks for him, cleans for him, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she tucks him in at night. LOL! But, seriously, there are some psychological and mental issues going on with this man if he is unwilling to leave his mother’s house, and untie the umbilical cord that his mother clearly has him attached to. But, I do find it ironic that your man has chosen another woman who is similar to his own mother. You do realize that your man will always choose and pick a woman who, subconsciously, reminds him of his mother – overbearing, demanding, nurturing, and a caregiver. I hate to say it, but you, my dear, are his mother! (Cue in the dramatic music). Think about it, you run his bath, cook a hot meal for him, baby him, yell at him, scold him, coddle him, freak him, and let him suck your tits. Duh! He’s not your man, he’s your surrogate child. If you do continue dating him, and his mother should happen to leave this earth, there will be reading of her will and in it she will say, “Don’t you marry that girl with them big breasts. She is not the woman for you. I forbid you to marry her. I may be gone, but I am still your mother!” LMBAO! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Nove l (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Continue reading →
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