Dear Bossip , We met through my cousin about a year ago. We clicked immediately, and the chemistry was over whelming. I was single and he said he didn’t have a girlfriend. So, we dated for about a month and everything was perfect. Then, one Sunday, a chick shows up at his house — THE GIRLFRIEND. He apologized for lying to me. He said he lied because he was no longer in love with her, and he just didn’t know how to break up with her. But, he broke up with her that evening. So, things got back on track. We got very close, and we were in a relationship. I was introduced to his friends and vice-versa he met mine. Eight Months down the line he tells me he can’t take it to the next level because his not ready to be a step dad. I have a child and he doesn’t. He said he can’t take the relationship to the next level because his parents will disapprove and he wants to settle down, but he’s not sure if his ready to settle down with someone with a kid. I was hurt because he waited 8 months to tell me this. We broke it off. A week later we got back together. I don’t know why I did that but I did. I loved him too much. We continued dating, even though he still showed no interest in getting to know my little one. I hung on hoping our love was strong enough to overcome this, and that he would come around, which he didn’t. He gave me so much love and attention, but, he just was not showing any interest in getting to know my daughter. I was hopeful because I didn’t want another failed relationship so I hung on. Then, one day he asked me to check something on his Facebook page. I went to his inbox, and then BOOM! He is seeing someone else who is childless. I confronted him about this. He didn’t deny it. He admitted that he’d been seeing her and she asked him out and he fell for it. And, yes he was falling for her. She is educated and young and childless. So, I said what’s going to happen to us? He said he loves me and he’s not about to let me go, and he wants to settle down and he’s trying her out. So, I told him I will not share him. I broke it off. We share mutual friends and we were both invited to a Braai. He came with her. I was heartbroken nonetheless. I couldn’t show him I was hurting. I carried on having a great time and he texted me during the Braai while he was with her telling me how great I looked. I texted back and said, “Thanks, she looks great too.” He asked if we could talk outside and I went to talk to him. He told me that he loved me still and he can’t seem to forget about me. He said he can’t stop thinking about me, and we kissed. We left together and he left her there. We had sex, and months later I learned I was pregnant. He said we couldn’t keep it. I agreed. I aborted the child. He was very supportive, took me to counseling, and spent all this time with me to make sure I got back on my feet. He suggested I enroll part-time in school so I can get my degree as I’m working a fairly good job. I just don’t have any form of education. He’s paying for it. But, he is still with her. He says he loves me and wants me in his life, but he just can’t marry someone with a child. Do I walk away or stick around? He’s 28-years old, and I’m hoping that maybe in time he will embrace the situation because we keep breaking up, but we end up getting back together somehow. We are like best friends. He even says that he’s never had a relationship where he felt so close with someone on that level where he can talk about absolute anything. We are into the same things, and we perfect together. – He Won’t Accept My Child Dear Ms. He Won’t Accept My Child , Sigh! Rejection is a bish! Honestly, there is nothing I will tell you, say to you, or recommend in which you will listen or take heed because you are too wrapped up into him. You are strung out, and unfortunately there is no rehab or treatment to help you from, “penisamilization.” See, being addicted to penisamilization will make you lose all your thinking and mental faculties, and you will make irrational judgments and decisions. You are unable to decipher between right and wrong, or good and evil. You neglect your loved ones, and will put yourself in harm’s way, (including having unprotected sex, aborting a child he doesn’t want, and neglecting your own child), despite the alarming red signals, signs, and treatment from the man behind penisamilization. You are willing to continue pursuing a relationship with a man who has told you repeatedly that he is not interested in being with someone who has a child. He has made no effort in getting to know your child, refuses to meet her, and he was so adamant about it that he went out and found another woman who was childless and began dating her. He didn’t tell you about her, however, he instructed you to his Facebook page to make the big reveal. WOW! WOW! WOW! But, let’s look at this man’s pattern with you. One month into dating him, he lied about being in a relationship, and it wasn’t until his girlfriend popped up at his house that you learned about her. Yet, you continued to sleep with him, hoping for a relationship with him. SMDH! Months later, he tells you that he can’t take your relationship to the next level because he doesn’t want to be with someone who has a child. He didn’t tell you this upfront, but waited months later to tell you this. Therefore, he manipulated you, lied to you, and led you to believe that you were moving toward a serious relationship when in actuality he was simply using you. As he was when you first started dating. Yet, you continued dating him, hanging on, hoping he would change his mind. SMDH! Then, he tells you to check his Facebook page where he announces that he is in another relationship with another woman, and she is childless, but, he loves you and is trying her out to see where it goes. Trying her out? Trying her out! This man had the gall and nerve to say that he loves you, wants to be with you, yet, he is trying out another woman? Girl, I can’t with you! This man is never honest and upfront with you. He lies about everything. He plays you, and makes you look like a fool. He knows you lack self-esteem because you keep taking him back, and remain hopeful of something he’s told you time and time again: He doesn’t want a relationship with you, and will not take it to the next level with you because he doesn’t want a woman with a child. Yet, you stick around, continuing to open your legs, and let him run up in you raw. Penisamilization is a helluva addiction. Yet, it gets better. You meet up at a gathering, and he shows up with her, but he leaves with you and he leaves her there? If he will come to an event with another woman, yet, leave with you, then this is indicative of his behavior in how he treats women. He uses women for his own disposal, plays with your emotions and feelings (refer back to his girlfriend he had while dating you, and now he is dating another woman and didn’t tell you upfront, nor did he tell her about you). Yet, you make yourself accessible to him because you want to prove how loyal you are. Honestly, you left with him and felt happy because for once he chose you, instead of rejecting you. And, this validated you, and made you feel good about yourself. Unfortunately, you felt you were getting over on the other woman because he left with you. He chose you. SMDH! Weak-minded, delusional and insecure women like you are easily manipulated and men will continue to take advantage of you. Then, you have sex with him, and months later discover you’re pregnant. He tells you to abort the baby, and you do because you agree with him? How can you awake each day and look at yourself and think you are remotely intelligent, smart, or have any type of common sense, and call yourself a woman and mother? Penisamilization is real people. It will have you doing ignorant, dumb, stupid –ish like this woman all in the efforts of attempting and hoping to keep a man. His game is so tight and pimped out, that he has led you to believe the lie you tell yourself every day you awake that one day he will come to his senses and accept your child, and that you will live happily ever after. IT WON’T HAPPEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. You are, and forever will be a side piece. His side chick. You are reserved p***y. You are his backup plan, his dumb down, basic chick who will never ever be the main chick. Do you realize that every woman he meets who is childless, has a career, and educated is his come up from you? They are constant reminders that he can do better than you. And, he will always throw it up in your face and remind you of the fact that you have a child. And, every time he introduces you to the new women in his life, he will point out that you have a child, you are uneducated, you have a basic job, and your life is basic. He’s already told you that his parents will disapprove of him having a relationship with a woman with a child. And, though he wants to settle down, he’s told you that he doesn’t want to settle down with you. Therefore, what are you hoping and waiting around for? What exactly do you think will happen or change his mind about this fact? The man made you abort a child because he knew it would trap him and you will forever be tied to him. He doesn’t love you. He despises you. He despises your child. Ma’am, he doesn’t want to meet your child, and refuses to meet your child (Rejection). And, you continue to choose this man over your child. Every time you lay with him, having unprotected sex knowing he is sleeping with other women, and he has a full-on relationship with another woman, yet, he won’t leave her and told you that he is not leaving her, however, he won’t settle down with you because you have a child, and that is something he doesn’t want (Rejection). Do you realize that every time he rejects you and your daughter, and you keep hoping, wishing, praying, and desiring for him to choose you, however, you are choosing him over your own child? You are neglecting the well-being of your own child for your own selfish desires, wants, and needs. Regardless of having a man in your life who will love you and your child, embrace your child, and desire to be with you and love your child equally, you are running after a man who neglects your child, which ultimately is a rejection of you because she is a part of you. Therefore, I have nothing to tell you, or say to you because a woman who will allow a man to reject her child, a part of her, and will continue to pursue him despite the constant rejection, then, you are not a woman at all. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
