Tag Archives: Television

Judge Joe Brown Sued in ‘Nookie’ Case

Filed under: Celebrity Justice TV’s Judge Joe Brown is being sued by a man who was once a plaintiff on the show — a man who claims Joe falsely accused him of trying to pay a woman for sex.The plaintiff, Mark Schweninger, sued a woman on “Judge Joe Brown” for $7,500, claiming he … Permalink

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Judge Joe Brown Sued in ‘Nookie’ Case

A Tale of Two Babies by Sarah Palin.

(Keep checking back throughout the day for updates.) “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times…” For Sarah Palin back in March of 2008, this was especially true. She was right in the middle of trying to convince the people of Alaska that, despite all appearances, she was indeed pregnant with her fifth child, after surprising even her own staff with the news on March 6th. (Though at first she did not seem to put a lot of effort into convincing people as you can see from this photograph taken on March 29th, at the Spouses’ Luncheon. This is a scant twenty short days prior to Trig’s “birth.” You will notice that she’s wearing what appears to be a raincoat inside of her own house. And there’s nothing under those hands but a black scarf.) Obviously as she got closer to her due date she would have to put a little more effort into the deception. Perhaps a little padding would help. There, that’s much better. (The above picture was taken at the end of the legislative session in Juneau, on April 13, five days before Sarah supposedly gave birth, and only fifteen days after the picture from the Spouses’ Luncheon was taken.) The next twist in our storyline was Sarah’s trip to give a speech at the Republican Governor’s conference in Texas on April 18th. What really happened there? No one knows. But what is known for certain is that Sarah left the conference abruptly in the early afternoon of April 17th and came back to Alaska, a ten plus hour trip involving two four hour flights and a layover in Seattle. (Not only did this decision seem abrupt, but even Sarah’s security staff was not contacted and did not know she was arriving to have a baby until after the birth.)What is also known for certain is that no one has ever come forward to say that they noticed anything special or different about the Gov during this trip. In fact, she was seen reading a book in the lounge during the layover in Seattle. Whatever the truth, by noon on April 18th the Governor’s office had announced that at approximately 6:30 that morning Sarah Palin had given birth to a son. So now Sarah did not have to wear that cumbersome belly anymore and she could enjoy the warmth of spring in her shorts and sweatshirt. See how much more comfortable Governor Palin looks only a few days after she had that baby? And look at that beautiful baby boy! Let’s see if we can’t get a a better quality picture of that precious child shall we? (Below is a screenshot from, Palin best friend, Kristan Cole’s website which shows photos that Cole posted of a baby shower she hosted for Sarah Palin on a weekend in May, either the 3rd or 4th, I believe. A photo, not included here, but obviously from the same day was later provided to OK Magazine of Sarah and her newborn.) And here is the OK magazine shot, and its doppelganger from the baby shower. Now from that same baby shower we have this much more detailed picture of the child known as Trig Palin. (Please note that I have chosen not to show the face or release the name of the young girl holding “Trig” as she was a minor when these photos were taken.) He IS just adorable isn’t he? But wait a minute. Is there something a bit odd about this picture? Take a close look at this baby’s ear. Do you see that? Perhaps a closer view might help. According to one of the physicians I talked to that is a malformation of the helix. In this case, it’s noticeable and distinctive. And, although not as clear, in another picture taken at the same event, this time of the baby’s left ear, a similar malformation is possibly visible. Ear defects are often “bilateral” which means on both sides. Isn’t that odd? I don’t remember the Trig Palin who was photographed so many times on the campaign trail having that particular malformation. Oh that is because he didn’t. In fact it appears that Trig Palin has two absolutely perfect little ears. As you can plainly see in this photo of his left ear. Yet as you can see in this side by side comparison, it is crystal clear that the ear on the infant Trig does NOT match the ear on the older Trig. I showed the baby shower picture to a number of medical professionals, including an Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist, a physician, an audiologist who specializes in children’s hearing issues, and a pediatrician (None of them knew they were looking at a picture of Sarah Palin’s child). Each agreed the ear is visibly malformed. I asked them if this defect could “heal” or disappear on its own. “Of course not”, they each replied. I then showed them pictures of Trig Palin’s ear from the campaign. Again, none knew they were looking at a photograph of Sarah Palin’s son. I asked all if it could possibly be the same child, four to five months later. The answer: “No.” Furthermore I learned that to correct conditions like this surgery is required, and that these surgeries are never performed before the age of four. And even if someone could have been located to perform plastic surgery on a child so young, the result would not be the “perfection” that Trig’s ear shows. Some scarring would still be visible. We have countless high-definition photos of Trig Palin’s head. Nothing of the sort can be seen in any of them. “So in other words” I asked. “You are saying that the child in the baby shower pictures must still have that same ear malformation today?’ Each of them answered in the affirmative. In fact here is a direct quote from one medical professional: “There is an approximately zero percent probability that these two sets of ears belong to the same infant.” So what does all of this mean? If that baby’s ear could not have healed on its own, then how can the Trig we see today have two perfectly formed ears? The answer is simple and shocking. Sarah presented an entirely different child to the world as Trig Palin on August 30, 2008. Just a fluke, you say? A trick of the camera? A shadow? Well, there’s more. She did not just do it once. Look again at this picture of Mercede holding this mystery baby in Sarah Palin’s kitchen, taken on a different day with a different camera. Look closely at that ear. Do you see it? It was there all along. This picture was taken the week right after Sarah “gave birth”. Here is another one. This time of Levi holding the child identified as the Governor’s son. (Seen for the first time on the Tyra Banks Show) (For those who wanted confirmation of the day these pictures of Levi and Mercede, with “ruffled ear” baby were taken I just learned that it was on May 3rd, Levi’s birthday. You can see his cake in the background in the picture above.) Do you see the ear? Again, although it’s not as clear, the ear of the baby in these photos has the same “ragged” pitted appearance. And you can see it in every shot taken that day. As most of you know I have been absolutely convinced that Sarah Palin did NOT give birth to a baby on April 18th, 2008. But what has come as a huge surprise was that on two separate occasions, she presented a newborn baby to two separate groups of people as Trig Palin her newborn son with Down syndrome. (She did it once in her own kitchen while presenting him to the Johnston family, and again at a baby shower given in her honor.) As you can plainly see THIS baby has a distinctive malformation of his ear. However the baby that was introduced to the nation only four months later does NOT have any malformation of his ear whatsoever. In fact, though today’s Trig has many of the characteristics of a Down syndrome child, he also possesses two perfectly shaped ears. As Andrea Friedman pointed out so eloquently: “My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes”.” Perhaps with this new evidence we can understand, now more than ever, why Sarah treats this child like a prop. Because that is EXACTLY what he is. It is well past time that the “lame stream media”, to use Sarah’s very own phraseology, start to ask the really hard questions about Sarah Palin’s pregnancy. When the questions first arose the Alaska media failed to do so. When they resurfaced five months later the McCain campaign failed to do so. And in all of this time since the world discovered Sarah Palin the national media has also failed to do so. It was left up to a rag tag group of bloggers to stay with the story until some real evidence could be produced. Well we have done our part, will the rest of the media do theirs? There are still so many questions left to answer. Who is the baby’s real mother? Who helped Sarah pull off this deception? Who else in her family knew about this? Exactly why did she feel the need to lie about her pregnancy? I am still conducting interviews and digging for those answers, but it would be ever so helpful if reporters with expense accounts and the support a national publication or television network would lend a hand. (By the way I encourage EVERYBODY to download pictures off of this post, and take screenshots of the blog. There is a very good chance that this will cause a tsunami of anger directed at me and the Immoral Minority. I have already saved it as a pdf file and I have many friends who have done the same. But just to be triple sure it would be nice to know the content is safe on friendly computer hard drives all across the world.) Update: Speaking of a “rag tag group of bloggers” my friend Bree Palin is on the case as well. Update 2: Palin’s Q & A joins the party ! Update 3: I notice that some people are getting fixated on the young woman whose face I blacked out. That young lady has NOTHING to do with the baby. She was just a girl who happened to be at the shower. It is also not one of the Palin girls. I would not have felt the need to protect their identity since they are already well known. Update 4: It looks like Todd did indeed quit the Iron Dog at Puntilla Lake . Hmm I wonder if he received a frantic phone call? (By the way thanks for the link Anonymous.) (The Fairbanks Miner has more .) Update 5: The Alaska Report asks the obvious question . Update 6: Let me clear up another misconception, this time about the photo on OK magazine. I did not say that it and the photo next to it were identical. I actually referred to it as a “doppelganger”, in other words, a “look-a-like”. If it had been the same picture I would have said “Look the same picture shows up in OK magazine.” However what is clear is that those two pictures were taken the same day, with the same camera, of the same baby, and only moments apart. The important point is to prove that Sarah herself had identified that baby as Trig Palin to a national audience. She was not just trying to fool a few friends and potential family members, she lied to the whole world. Update: Oh wow! I think I inspired a Facebook group . Cool!

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A Tale of Two Babies by Sarah Palin.

Robert Pattinson Debuts New Hairstyle

The big news at the 2010 British Academy of Film and Television Arts (BAFTA) awards was supposed to be that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart would be in the same public place. And they were. Stewart even picked up the Rising Star Award. But most attention was on Kristen’s rumored boyfriend, as Pattinson apparently took a shower before the ceremony… and that was it. He didn’t dry or spike his typically wild hair. Instead, Robert simply slicked it down and left the hour. After fans were relatively split on Rob’s bearded look , we wonder how they’ll react to this style choice. Vote below. Do you like Robert Pattinson’s hair?

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Robert Pattinson Debuts New Hairstyle

Project Runway: Girls Gone Wild

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision that making little clothes for little people is harder. The delusion that we care. The vision that little girls are pure. The delusion of tarting up a bunch of children. Last night’s Project Runway was a bit like smearing lipstick on a second grader or one of those shows where little JonBenet Ramseys twirl around in princess dresses trying to impress judges or like Jodi Foster in Taxi Driver but with better hair and worse clothing. It was like one of those. Pick a simile. The designers had to make an outfit for little girls between the ages of 5 and 8. They were each given a mini model and they were in turns cute, annoying, shy, loud, still, and squirmy. And because they needed something to keep the mature coat hangers busy, they were then given a surprise second look (!!!) for their big girl models. Fun. Well, not really because this challenge is one of the: Things We Hate Full-Tilt Lifetime Boogie : Really, a mommy and me challenge? This is ovary manipulation of the highest degree. This challenge was created so that the Midwestern moms targeted by the network could coo and aww and imagine that they were up there getting designed for by a bunch of hacks on a reality television program. These girls even melted Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine. She actually smiled and it wasn’t her usual wince/grimace when she’s trying to not look like a huge bitch. It was a beaming that came directly from her uterus and snaked up her body pushing up the corners of her mouth. It was a horrible manipulation. Maya : What the fuck is going on with Maya. She was the only remaining designer not to show at the final runway show in Bryant Park last week, so we thought that meant she was going home for sure this week. No dice. Also, she was barely on this episode. Are they just trying to vanish her like it’s 1984 or something? Did she talk trash about Heidi and they’re going to erase her from the planet? And now we know she’s not in the final. How many weeks are we going to have to go carrying her bangs around like a backpack full of bricks? Listening to the Clients : Especially if they are little girls. Never do this. Ever. How many times do we have to teach this lesson? There are only four people you have to please and they never stand on the runway. They sit next to it in directors chairs stained with fake tanning solution and back sweat. Don’t make something for the girls, make something for the judges—every time! Seth Aaron Is Smart : Fucking asshole Seth Aaron. He has a daughter (how, how did that happen?!) so he knows what they like and made a purse, which his mini-model loved and made NGFDMCM’s lady parts twitch. We fucking hate him, but he is actually pretty good. His pair of designs looked like Gwen Stefani and her daughter, and that is a high compliment. He is going to do just enough right to get to the finals, isn’t he? God, he is Wendy Pepper with a penis. The Asshole Straight Guy : Nearly every season has had one, and Jeffrey Sebelia even won a season! You know the type, they are straight, abrasive, usually punk-rockish, and talk about their love of women and how it makes they design clothes for them, and it just pisses the rest of us off. This year we have two. Why can’t Seth Aaron Jingleheimer Schmidt and Logan Jesse. Why can’t we just have a bunch of girls and kooky gays? Straight guys have everything, just leave this for the girls and the gays! Bad Parenting : Don’t these girls have mothers? Where were they? They were just letting their impressionable young tots hang around with a bunch of absent-minded designers who want to exploit them for a win and a bunch of skinny models using them as props while teaching them sexy walks and the easiest way to barf up a baloney sandwich? Maybe these are all the kids of the producers and crew and they just all happen to have kids of about the same age, so they were really there behind the scenes. Anyway, I fear for these poor tykes. Things We Love Tim Gunn ‘s Peek : Every week, right after Tim hurries all the designers and their breathing mannequins out of the room for the runway show, he always opens the door to the workroom, peeks his head in, and looks around to make sure no one is in there. It’s like Tim is expecting to catch a stray designer hiding in the corner under a table quickly sewing the hem of a dress with an army of fairy helpers guiding the needle and thread. It’s so cute. And what if there was one? Would Grampa Gunn wing a Werther’s Original from his pocket and hit them in the head and tell them and their little fairies it’s time to go? Yellow : Both the ill-fated Jonathan and supremely ill-fated Maya used yellow this week. It was very cool. Why don’t we have more yellow clothing? Why don’t I have more yellow clothing? This needs to be corrected. Jay’s Outfit : Not the purple ruffley thing he made that made his 6-year-old look like a contestant on The Littlest Hooker , the one he wore while shopping at mood. It was a Kelly green sweater and shorts with some sort of printed sailboat pattern and probably topsiders (though we didn’t see the shoes closely). It was the most inappropriate getup we ever did see. He looked like he was dressed for a gay clam dig on Nantucket, but he was shopping in a fabric store in New York. It was so out of place it was amazing. The Boys : Last season the boys sucked and we thought it was some supreme Lifetime conspiracy to get all ladies to the end, which they did. Well, this year is the total opposite and the boys are kicking ass. Even if two of them are the horrible straight guys, we’re glad to have some penis power back in this competition. Maybe they’ve been taking the free lady vitamins that Lifetime put in their Atlas apartments and are somehow dodging the testosterone sensors at Parsons. Michael Kors Hates Kids : Of course he does, and it makes us love him even more. Lifetime Movies : God, they all suck. This week we had to watch commercials about Will Truman as a conman pretending to be a straight Rockefeller and marrying some lady so he could kidnap their kid. Also, Jill Scott is trying to win an Emmy for doing the TV version of Precious: A Television Drama Based on the Movie Precious Based on the Book by a Woman Who Wouldn’t Sell the Rights Unless Her Name was in the Title . They are so horrible, but we don’t want them to die. They’re like Sarah Jessica Parker’s little mole thingy. Her face isn’t be the same without it, and there is one fewer thing to pick on in the world. We miss that mole. “Bravo” : When congratulating a designer on a job well done, NGFDMCM said, “Bravo.” No, it’s Lifetime. Ha! That joke will never get old. In the end, Annoying Straight Man #1 took home the top prize for his little striped hoodie with watermelon pockets and a gorgeous black and white coat with a fucked-upedly fantastic collar that looked a bit like a fashion straight jacket for a couture S/M editorial shoot. The judges finally picked right and put Jay’s Barney purple tartlet creation and Jesse’s French-inspired preciousness in grey and red in the top as well. It was Tear up Weepy Janeane who was finally sent home for her boring blob of red and some other bullshit that she bought off etsy the night before and just passed off as her own. Bye-bye, dead weight, can’t you take Maya with you on your way out? Also horrible was Emilio’s Pepto Bismol poured in a shot glass and a champagne flute, Ben’s study in wilted lilacs, and Jonathan’s tissue explosion that he made with spare rolls from the Charmin Toilet off of the Brother Sewing Room. At least the last one had some yellow. Amy’s crazy “petal” pants—which looked like the three-eyed fish from The Simpsons —weren’t that bad. OK, yeah, they were. The petals weren’t finished and the colors were garish and the little girl looked like an orphan digging for trash in a alleyway right before Joseph Bologna shows up in a limo with a wonderful side part and puts her and four other girls in a band and lets them live in his mansion ( Rags to Riches , anyone?). Still, if Amy had made those petals in black, grey, and red and finished them, NGFDMCM and her estrogen-filled Easy-Bake Bun in the Oven would have climbed up onto the runway, thrown the kid out of the way and snatched them off the model’s body. But for Jonathan’s spot on Queen Tangerine impersonation, Suzanne Sugarbaker’s annoyance with little girls, and some other travesties, you have to go watch the videos. Don’t worry, we’ll babysit while you’re gone. We promise not to take LSD and put your baby in the microwave. Kors of the Matter Description : Jonathan finally show a little bit of personality with his funny German accent and his amazing Michael Kors impersonation. Vision : “Now is ze time on Schprockets ven vee make fun of Michael Kors.” Delusion : Sorry, kiddo, this isn’t as classic as Santino Rice doing Tim Gunn. Nice try. What Would Nina Say : “You know, my daughter does the most amazing impersonation of André Leon Talley eating Oreos.” Dramometer : 4 Under the Gunn Description : Tim goes to visit Amy, who is cutting out a bunch of frayed fabric to make some insane creation. Vision : Tim thinks this could be inspired, or clown clothes. Delusion : Oh, Gramps, the only thing that reeks more of clown clothes is the laundry room at Cirque du Soleil. What Would Nina Say : “If those pants were my child, I would have a late-term abortion.” Dramometer : 3 Suzanne’s Beauties Description : Our beloved Suzanne Sugarbaker is allergic to three things: subtlety, silence, and small children. Watch him try to deal with all three as the workroom is taken over by a bunch of howling banshees. Vision : This was exactly the producer’s vision of this challenge. Delusion : They are lucky that this is as messy as things got. We fully expected crying, and were sorely disappointed. What Would Nina Say : “Suzanne, you can babysit for me anytime.” Dramometer : 6 Runway Arrogance Description : Seth Aaron watches his design tromp and twirl its way to victory. Vision : This is what a girl wants, want a girl needs… Delusion : it makes us happy, but it won’t set us free of Seth Aaron. What Would Nina Say : “I could just eat you up! Yes I could!” Dramometer : 2 Caitlin the Hero Description : We do not like children any more than Michael Kors, but Amy’s model Caitlin is not afraid of bitchy old gay men who sell their wares at Marshalls. Oh hell no. She sticks up for her outfit right to Queen Tangerine’s face, and he gives her the scowl of disapproval. Vision : “I don’t care what you say old man, I like it!” Delusion : That a child would behave any other way. What Would Nina Say : See for yourself! Dramometer : 8

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Project Runway: Girls Gone Wild

Why NBC Really Hates Live Olympics Coverage: Shaun White-Related F-Bombs

Everyone is complaining about how annoying NBC’s tape-delay coverage is. Well, tonight, NBC showed some snowboarding while it was actually happening . Bad idea: Shaun White ‘s coach said “fucking” on live TV. And also: “shit.” Shaun White knew he had won the gold medal even before he started his last run. While at the top of the half-pipe before his victory ride, he and his coach, Bud Keane , started bro-ing down in an obscene way. Referring to Shaun White’s trademark trick—the double-McTwist-1260—Keane said: “You freaking send that thing. And make sure you stomp the shit out of it.” (Translation: “Do the trick, but don’t fall.”) And then, even more egregiously: ” Way to fucking go , man.” (Translation: “Way to go.”) NBC’s announcers hastily explained, by way of apology, the emotions “coursing” through the two. They were coarse emotions! So now we know the real reason why NBC relies so heavily on lame tape-delayed coverage: They must spend hours purging from the footage any trace of obscenity-laden emotion. And we also now know why even a viewer with an actual rivet driven through their eye into the television screen would be hard pressed to describe this coverage as “riveting”. They cut out all the good, sweary stuff! Where a cheesy profile would have sanded down Shaun and Bud’s dudeness to a family-friendly sheen, tonight the world saw two real-life American bros—raw and uncensored. Perhaps a small child in rural Finland learned something new about our ways. And isn’t that what the Olympics is all about? As for Shaun White? He stomped the shit out of it. Way to fucking go, man. Way to fucking go.

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Why NBC Really Hates Live Olympics Coverage: Shaun White-Related F-Bombs

How the Real Housewives Shill for Their Real Husbands

Alexis Bellino , the newest cast member of The Real Housewives of Orange County , is continuing a grand Real Housewives tradition—she’s using the show to try and shore up her husband’s various business “interests.” In a recent blog post on the Bravo website, Alexis posted that she and her husband Jim (“Taliban Jim,” as Television Without Pity has dubbed him) own a boutique hotel called “In Vogue” in Laguna Beach, “so if you are interested in visiting us here in Southern California, you must come stay with us!” It’s never really been clear exactly what Jim Bellino does. ( Update : As a couple commenters have pointed out, Jim has a background in pawn shops and house flipping. He seems to have also taken to CL to push his pawn business : “I LOAN MONEY!!!!!!YOU MUST HAVE COLLATERAL…NO CREDIT SCORES NO JOB I DONT CARE I CARE ABOUT THE ASSET.”) But several of the Housewives have used the show to try and get publicity for their or their husbands’ businesses. Alex McCord, on Real Housewives of New York , is married to Simon, who is the manager of a boutique hotel in Midtown that gets plugged on the show. Jill Zarin makes sure a RHONY episode doesn’t go by without a Zarin Fabrics plug. Ramona Singer is constantly promoting her husband’s weird religious jewelry company. Lisa Wu, on Real Housewives of Atlanta , is in the real estate business with her husband. Caroline Manzo and her sister Dina promote their husbands’ family banquet hall, the Brownstone, on RHONJ. And Tamra Barney’s soon-to-be-ex-husband Simon attempted to launch a premium tequila company after being on the show. (Of course, the biggest shiller of all on Real Housewives is Bethenny Frankel, who used the show to launch a bestselling series of books on how to be anorexic.) Now, apparently, Jim is trying to get into the hotel business, and using Alexis to help. He’s opened “In Vogue,” which is now advertising on such exclusive sites as Craigslist : “BRAND NEW! A BOTIQUE [sic] HOTEL.” I couldn’t find any trace of it on TripAdvisor , but in the ad Jim writes: “CALL JIM FOR WEEKLY AND MONTHLY SPECIALS, CALL ME AT 949-322-4900. I AM DEALING!” Indeed. [Photo via Bravo ]

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How the Real Housewives Shill for Their Real Husbands

American Idol: The Sad Stuff

Finally we’re in Hollywood. Finally we have Ellen! Dear old Hollywood. Friendly old Ellen. Two good things. We should be happy, right? And yet… Mostly we’re just so sad. Hollywood Week is just terribly, terribly cruel, isn’t it? A friend and I watched the show last night, and we both couldn’t get over what a terrible, cruel thing this whole dog and pony show is. All the expectation, the airfare, the sad little suitcases packed with care. I know these people are willingly subjecting themselves to an experience that they know, nine seasons in now, to be a resoundingly cruel and demeaning one, but still. Remember in that great monologue at the end of Extras when Andy is talking about how horrid reality shows are, and he talks about X Factor and says something about the “bewildered being sniggered at by millionaires”? Well, yeah. That’s pretty true. These folks are bewildered and overwhelmed and just slightly hoodwinked and we are all monsters for watching them fail and enjoying it. That’s that. But, also, you know. At least we’re past the point of the Bad Auditions. Those episodes are the cruelest things that Idol does and the chief reason why Ryan Seacrest is going to burn in a terrible and fiery hell. (The other reason being, of course, a general sort of [flops wrist] -ness.) At least we’re past those. ANYWAY. Let’s talk about singing. Good old singing. That’s why we’re ultimately here, is it not? And there definitely was some good singing. You know who I like? Black Taylor Swift. Ohhhh you may fuffle your feathers and cluck that Oberlin tongue of yours and let your hemp monocle fall off your bearded face (you are a girl) because I said that she is Black Taylor Swift, but she is. She is black and young and likes pop-country (puntry? cop?) and plays a guitar and sings sweetly about things like lurve, so… Black Taylor Swift. I’ve a feeling she’s going to go far in this rotten competition. Because if there are two things that America loves, it’s Taylor Swift and black people. Well, OK. The Americans that love Taylor Swift are not the Americans that love black people, but as separate voting blocs they’re both pretty powerful and if they accidentally bump up against each other in their love for Black Taylor Swift, well, there’s no stopping that. It’s like when the Housewife bloc and the Gay bloc of Idol viewers mysteriously converged on Adam Lambert. That Frankenstein hobbled his way up to a second place finish! The Self-Loathing Gay and Sparkleteen blocs conquered in their quest to put Kris Allen over the top (or bottom, whatevs he wants!) in the end, but still. The success of Adam Lambert showed us what can happen when two disparate voting entities join forces and form a Voltron-esque power robot. Deftly courting the Egghead Latino vote is the Egghead Latino. You remember him. He looks like an egg and his mom and dad were in the Latin Kings but now everyone’s gone straight and mostly spends their time weeping in front of camera crews. As hobbies go, that’s not a bad one. It’s probably easier to find a 1912 buffalo nickel with a picture of Susan B. Anthony mooning everyone on it than it is to find a camera crew to weep in front of, but still. A hobby’s a hobby and hobbies are good things to have. Luckily for the Weepersons, their Egghead son is, like, so good. His slow and haunting cover of “Straight Up” was just sublime. And, yes, I do mean “haunting.” While he played it, Paula Abdul’s ghost could be seen flitting around the rafters, ghostly Diet Coke dribbling out of her mouth, a ghostly tomato soup stain on her ghostly brown dress. Kara Dioflergenhaven said something about Paula and this outraged the Abdul ghost, but luckily she hasn’t yet learned how to make her ghostly rage physically manifest. It’s like Patrick Swayze in that movie… You know… Um… Oh, right, Road House . When he got all mad he just had to kick with might and fury. The Paulaghost simply has to do that. It’s a learning process. I think by season’s end we’ll get to see the Abdul-ghoul, which looks pretty much exactly like Slimer, roundhouse Kara Diomercklemacklemickle right in the Tippi of her Hedren. And hopefully the Egghead Latino will still be doing his simmer-jams at that point. Because he is good . Also good: that blonde lady what sang that geetar song. You know the one. The one who cried during her audition because her friend had just died. Yes, we all suspect that she killed her friend so she could have something to cry about when she got to her audition, but who hasn’t done murder for American Idol ? Kelly Clarkson burned down that church with a whole congregation in it. They still haven’t found the heads of most of Clay Aiken’s victims. And I’m worried Fantasia Barrino is going to get fat if she doesn’t stop eating people. So murder aside, the Blonde Girl is better than all the Megan Joy Corkerys and Brooke Whites and Blake Lewises combined. She’s got style and strength, and she’s holding a gun to my head right now, so I’m going to keep saying nice things. She’s pretty. Except she can look a little horsey and I—ada/…………………………………… HI! This is the Paulaghost. That nice blonde lady shot and killed Richard, so I’m going to finish up this recap for him. OooooOOooooOOoooooooo….. I’m a ghossssst. Are you scared? You should be. You know who else is with me in the mysterious realm between your world and the next? MC Skat Kat. Yeah, he’s dead. No, no. It wasn’t the FIV that finally caught up to him. Kevin Covais raped and murdered him. Yup. Emphasis on the rape. Terrible thing, just terrible. But anyway. Richard left some notes here by the computer, let me just clean the brains and skull fragments off of them… Ah, here we go. It appears he also liked the big guy who’s wife went into labor right before he sang. He doesn’t think the dude has “a hoo-hoo’s chance at the Boiler Room” of winning, but he seems nice and sings well. So good for him. Oh look! It was just a flesh wound. Richard’s alive again. Or is he a ghossst, like on Lost ? Who knows. Anyway. Bye now! I’m going to go haunt Dunkleman. Hi! I’m back. My head hurts. Let’s just move on. Everyone is sad that Skimbleshanks got voted off the song island. Skimbleshanks was that nimble-bodied crack-cocaine addict that they carted in a while back and he oddly made it through to Hollywood and then was found to have a criminal record and everyone was shocked. Why be shocked? Crack-cocaine addicts have a tendency to commit crimes. Their special candy is not cheap, so sometimes they must steal a television or something. And, come on. Who among us hasn’t robbed a pawn shop before? I think we’ve all robbed a pawn shop, whether literally or metaphorically. (That time you decided to go to Franklin & Marshall instead of Swarthmore because of that cute girl you met on the F&M campus tour? Totally a metaphorical robbing of the pawn shop.) OK, Skimbleshanks didn’t actually rob a pawn shop. He’s just been found in possession of drugs and beaten people up in jail. So. He wasn’t going to make it anyway. No one mourn for Skimbleshanks. Unless you, dear reader, are Skimbleshanks. In that case, keen on my friend. I was also sad to see that poor country pumpkin — quite literally, it was a pumpkin wearing a thinning blonde wig — get sent home. The one from Vonore, TN. She was so nice and so rube-ish (Aeroplane!!). But she was just wayyy too nervous. Her voice was stumblin’ all over the place. One thing I hated though was when she was leaving and she said “I took a risk, and it didn’t pay off.” It didn’t pay off? Really? You got to go on an aeroplane and see California and meet Ryan Seacrest and have Ellen Degeneres talk to you. I think that’s a pretty fun weekend. I wouldn’t mind spending a free weekend like that. I think the risk totally paid off. Just because you’re not the next Black Taylor Swift, it doesn’t mean you failed, m’dear. Oh well. This has gone on far too long. Let’s all be happy that Hollywood is here, and soon the top 24. And then the top 12. And then the top 6. And then the top 3. And then 2. And then one. And then none. And the rest is silence. (Oohhh! Except! What’d y’all think of Ellen? I was surprised by how critical she could be. I assumed it was going to be all posies and sunshine. But I was wrong. So, well done Ellen?)

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American Idol: The Sad Stuff

Undercover Boss: Advertainment’s Fourth Wave

So we assume you saw Undercover Boss last night, CBS’ big new reality show that got the plum post-Super Bowl spot? Amazing, was it not? Televised entertainment has now completed its long, winding journey into becoming 100% corporate propaganda. In Undercover Boss , a CEO goes undercover in his own company to get the real scoop on how hard it is…to work for his own company. Last night’s premiere featured Larry O’Donnell, COO of the thoroughly unglamorous, dirty, occasionally union-busting multibillion-dollar trash company Waste Management . Larry met many hardworking employees in heartstring-tugging situations, and was able to help them, by vowing to form a committee to address their concerns about their shitty jobs! CONSIDER: In the olden days of television, companies would sponsor an entire block of programming—The Colgate Variety Hour, or whatever. In return for their name on the show and some in-show plugs, the audience got about an hour of entertainment content. THEN, the 30-second commercial reigned. In return for minutes-long blocks of commercial content, consumers got (more) minutes-long blocks of uninterrupted entertainment. THEN, Tivo came along. Many advertisers moved towards product placement —they paid to have their products and branding messages integrated into the shows themselves. The 30-second ads remained! So, in return for the same lengthy advertising breaks, consumers got a bit of advertorial-type entertainment content. AND NOW, with the advent of Undercover Boss, we find we have come to a new stage in television: An entire prime-time show that is, in effect, an hour-long corporate public relations message, broadcast to a far larger audience than the corporation could ever hope to reach itself, courtesy of one of our nation’s premiere television networks. Can you even begin to imagine the amount of money that an unsexy company like Waste Management, for chrissake, would have had to spend to buy an amount of media exposure equal to a full hour of prime time directly after the Super Bowl ? It quite literally could not have been purchased with all the money in Waste Management’s coffers! But, in exchange for what was no doubt hand-and-foot service from Waste Management’s PR team in setting up logistics and tracking down appropriately engaging employees for the boss to interact with, CBS gives the company an advertainment opportunity unparalleled anywhere else on television. SO, The deal for you, the television viewer is now this: in return for sitting through lengthy blocks of ads, you are treated to one hour of a trash company’s employee morale-boosting video, writ large. Waste Management played it well: they had the boss admit some mistakes and act humble. Future participants should take notes. This is the best deal corporate America ‘s gotten on CBS since the network dropped that 60 Minutes tobacco story . Don’t fuck this up, guys.

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Undercover Boss: Advertainment’s Fourth Wave

Jon Stewart on The O’Reilly Factor: Night Two

Night two of Jon Stewart on The O’Reilly Factor ! After last night’s light sparring we were ready for the main event. Jon Stewart was going to kill Fox News, or O’Reilly to kill Jon Stewart. WE WANTED BLOOD

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Jon Stewart on The O’Reilly Factor: Night Two

Jon Stewart Makes Some Good Points on The O’Reilly Factor

Night two of Jon Stewart on The O’Reilly Factor ! After last night’s light sparring we were ready for the main event. Jon Stewart was going to kill Fox News, or O’Reilly to kill Jon Stewart. WE WANTED BLOOD

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Jon Stewart Makes Some Good Points on The O’Reilly Factor