Dear Bossip , I am seeking impartial advice because I have been wrecking my mind for the past few months contemplating what to do about my situation. I started dating this guy back in 2008 after we met at a wedding and were introduced by my cousin who happened to be his good friend. (It was a long distance relationship by the way). At the time we were both 18. I fell in love so soon and while he reciprocated most of my feelings for him, he was still coming to terms of getting into a serious relationship at his age. I was advised by another cousin not to date him because she knew him quite well and she even told me he was a big flirt. He pursued me and came across as a really charming guy who could do no wrong. I agreed to be his girlfriend and we set it off. After a few months of dating, he cheated on me with a girl I knew and although he claims he never slept with her, he says they just used their hands to pleasure each other. I went ‘”mad black woman”’ on him and dumped him, but he begged me and promised he would never do it again and cut off all ties with that other girl immediately. I really loved this guy with all of my heart and I guess that was my main problem in the relationship, I was more in love than he was at the time. I became really vulnerable and my trust for him was shaken and he became emotionally & verbally abusive. Over the months we argued and bickered non-stop, and constantly hanging up the phone on each other. I then broke it off. He called me after a week and kept begging me to take him back and that he would change, etc. However, I had begun to move on before things got too worse. He traveled to where I lived to see me so we could talk properly and because he had shown some effort I agreed to meet him. The meeting didn’t go as he had planned and he lashed out and left. After a few weeks we agreed to meet up again and we reconnected and I forgave him. I moved further away after that so I decided to break it off for good but he kept coming back incessantly. He would blow up my phone constantly and I agreed to his request just to stop him being so passive aggressive, although deep down I obviously still loved him a lot. A month later, I went to my friend’s house and she knew how abusive he had been to me and resented him for it. Every time he would call my phone, she would answer it for me and say I was busy or sleeping. I regret letting that happen but at the time I felt he deserved it for the way he had treated me. He called me up one day while I was still at my friend’s and said he had moved on and found a new girl and I just acted like didn’t care to save face. He went for a really young girl (statutory rape young) and I let him go. Although he was with her he still kept thinking of me and he kept calling and texting etc. I ended up moving on too, a few months after he had, with a really nice guy too. He came back again and promised he would never cheat on or lie to me and after a month of resisting I took him back for the simple fact that I loved him. Things were cool between us and I began to regain my trust for him as well as my love. We were good up until he suggested we take a break because we were headed towards the argue/bicker phase again however during that “break” he slept with 3 girls including that young girl. He confessed so I went back to my ex too. All the while he let that young girl disrespect me and all claiming he is hers, and I told her simply the facts. Then I also told her to go ahead and have his trifling ass but he kept coming back to me. I hate the fact that each time me and him argue he goes and starts flirting on his phone with other girls but because we live far apart how do I know he’s not actually physically being with other girls even though he claims it ends on the phone? He also never had a job. Every time I went to visit him I paid for dates, food, and cleaned his place up for him, he was lazy and spent all his free time playing games and getting sidetracked by friends. He never listened to my advice but when it came from other people it made sense. He let other people disrespect me (i.e. his ex and friends) never stood up for me, and sometimes acted as though he didn’t want to show me affection or be seen with me in public. He changed completely and all those words he said about wanting me and making it work faded into thin air. Like I said before my story is long but just a month ago, he got back in touch, claims he has changed and that he was just a teenage boy and immature and now he is grown and he understands, misses and cherishes what we had (2 years) and he knows I’m the girl for him and he really wants to make it work and even marry me and move in together and start our life together. But, I refused over and over because I feel like we will go on another rollercoaster again. How do I get over him and have I made the right decision? Your advice will be much appreciated. – Leave Him Or Keep Him Dear Ms. Leave Him Or Keep Him , Sigh! Young minds convoluted with pure stupidity. I tell you I don’t know who is raising the youth of today, but something’s got to be done. Young girls are running and getting into relationships with young boys who don’t have a job, a life, or anything other than some sex. These young girls allow themselves to be abused emotionally, mentally, and physically because they are ‘Looking for daddy,’ and ‘somebody to love them.’ And as soon as someone tells them they love them they are jumping on their backs and spreading their legs for every John, Dick, and Gary. SMDH! Why are you not talking about being in someone’s school or pursuing something positive in your life? How about you put all that energy you are wasting on some cornball who ain’t got –ish, and won’t be –ish and invest that energy into yourself and get some self-esteem. Go get a library card and go learn something. Check out the museums and other cultural institutions in your city. Here’s a novel idea; how about you and your girlfriends start a book club and read some empowering and inspiring books that encourage and uplift you, and stop running after these little boys whose minds are not fully developed. Chile, you kids today are truly the reason we won’t have a future intelligent and economically empowered society or community. You’re stuck on stupid and stuck on d**k. I wish I could just shake the –ish out of you and wake up those dead brain cells lying dormant in your head. Girl, the boy lives in whole other state and you’re worried about what he’s doing and who he’s doing. HERE’S A NEWS FLASH: The boy has shown you time and time again who he is. He is a cheater, liar, abuser, and worthless piece of –ish. He’s no more interested in a relationship with you than you are an education for yourself. The doors are wide and open of the ALL GIRL ACADEMY FOR WOMEN WHO THINK HAVING A MAN WILL MAKE THEM HAPPY, BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE THEMSELVES. Tell me this: What has he brought to the table to empower you? What has he brought to the table to uplift or motivate you? And, don’t tell me, “I don’t know but I just love him. We connect on a whole other level. And, the sex is the bomb.” Sweetie, getting d**k is not a reason to be in love with someone. Stop equating sex with love. They are not equally mutually the same. Sex is sex. Love is love. By the way, do you know how many smart, intelligent, working, loving, powerful, and spiritual real men are out there who can bring good conversation, a wealth of experience, infinite knowledge, maturity, monogamy, and good d**k to the table? Let me ask you this: Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who you constantly bicker and fight with? Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who allows their friends and exes to disrespect you? Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who cheats, disrespects, lies, and abuses you? I’ll wait while you think of answers to those questions. I know it will take you some time since you’re working with limited intelligence. And, for the record, yes, I’m mad at you because you have allowed yourself to become this revolving door by allowing this low-class low-life bum to enter and re-enter any and every damn time he pleases. Stop the damn repetitive cycle and keep the damn door closed. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. HE’S WORTHLESS. And, if someone is worthless then they will treat you just as worthless. A piece of sh*t attracts a piece of sh*t. Are you a piece of sh*t? You know how you said you went Mad Black Woman on him. Well, how about you become Smart Black Woman from now on! Respect yourself. Respect your body: It’s your temple, your power, your source of love. Don’t let someone who has no self-regard disrespect and destroy you. Build a solid foundation of happiness, self-love, joy, peace, and dignity. If he is not adding to you, then he is destroying you. And, you, my dear, clearly sound wounded and destroyed. Your spirit is weak. Rebuild yourself. Become proud and defiant. Demand the best for yourself and of yourself. Now, get off your exes DUMB-BUM rollercoaster. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to get your copy of my new book , Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: He Keeps Coming In And Out Of My Life And I’m Tired Of It
