Tag Archives: advice

Dear Bossip , I’ve been reading your blog for years. It has inspired me through a lot of tough times. So, I could really use some of your hard hitting advice right now. I’ve been with the same man for 7 years and ‘’m ready to leave. “Eric” and I got together when we were very young. I was 17 and he was 19. We have a 5 year old that will start school in the fall. We share a home and a great group of friends. In the fall of 2010, I found out Eric had slept with another woman. I was heartbroken. So, I confronted him. Then, I packed up his stuff and put it in the closet. He was no longer allowed to share a bedroom or sleep in our bed with me. At the time I thought this was the right thing to do. Taking him back and working it on our relationship was out of the question at the time because I was so angry with him. Four months later, he moves out. Sometime after that we decide to work it out. He moves back in and everything seems back to normal, except we fought more often than before. Eric seemed depressed. He was very unhappy with life always explaining it was not me but what he did to destroy our relationship. Then, one day after work he comes home in tears, with no explanation. Very unlike him. This happen again some weeks later. He told me his Uncle died, and he is going down there to help out his Aunt. I offer to go with him, and he tells me no. After he left, I started getting blocked calls from him. Very unlike him. Something just told me to start snooping around. So, I Google his name. Up pops a baby registry. I was shocked and heartbroken. So, I do a background check on the name of his new baby momma. I get her number, address, and everything about her. So, I call her. I ask for him by name. She asks me who is this? I say “Sara, I’m his fiancé!” CLICK. She hangs up on me. Eric calls me and tells me he has a one month old son. He never told me because he didn’t want to hurt me and he was unsure if he was the father. Isn’t that some BS!?! Just a cop-out. I was livid. I told him I was done. That we were over. He could stay there with her because I already took off his ring. I will never forget how much my heart hurt during those times. I cried every night. Without my little angel I would have never pulled it threw. So, I got myself up, changed my number and e-mail because Eric had been calling and e-mailing non-stop. I also moved out of our home. Everything was in his name. I felt no problem walking away. At that point in my life I had never had a job or even graduate from high-school. I supported Eric through college and in his career. So, when I walked away I had nothing. I got my first job, passed my G.E.D. on my first try and had enrolled in classes at the local community college. Very soon I was out of my now deceased mother’s house and in a little apartment my baby girl could call home. I was very proud of myself. I had not seen Eric for 3 months at this point. I refused to. He would e-mail my old address every night asking to see us. Finally, I gave in and agreed to meet him at a local park so he could see our daughter. First, I made him have a private conversation at our old house. Eric tried to tell me that was he not sure if the child was his after his baby mama had told him she was pregnant because she was in a relationship when they hooked up. He went down there to take a paternity test and it turned out it was his. He wanted nothing to do with his baby mama and he still loves me very much. I returned his ring. The next day, I let him visit with our daughter. She was so happy to see her father. I felt like a fool for keeping them apart for so long, because no matter what he does to me or himself he will always be our little girl’s father. The next six months are like this, I don’t go back to him. We talk and see each other for our baby. One day, out of the blue, I get a message from his baby mama. She writes, whether her and Eric are together or not she will always be a part of his life because they share a child together. She said that our children are siblings and they should know each other. So, I ignored it. She e-mails again asking for his social security number, his address and any other information to tell child support. I ignore her. I also don’t tell Eric. Since he had the nerve to tell me what goes on between them is none of my business. So, he was pissed when he got the papers, but, oh well. He chose to make a baby with a 28-year old woman, who still lives at home, has no job, and collects welfare. A year later, I fell on hard times. I had lost my job and soon my little apartment that I loved so much. I had no family to turn to. So, I went back to the house I shared with Eric because he offered. He gave me our old bedroom while he slept on the couch. It was weird at first. He was depressed. He would barely talk to me, except to tell me how happy he was to see my face every morning, again. He started to cheer up, began to flirt with me, and bring me presents. Soon, we started kissing, sharing a bed together, doing everything a couple does. I tried to have sex with him several times, but he would not do it. I hadn’t had sex in 2 and a half years. I wanted him again. He is the only man I’ve been with. So, I asked him why and he tells me he contracted herpes after he had a one night stand with a woman he met at conference six months ago. Two weeks later we have sex with condoms. He was shaking the entire time, but I still ended up getting it some months later. I took it okay, I knew the risk I was taking but every time I try to talk to him about it or when I told him I had it he just blames himself. He won’t even talk to me about it because he’s so busy putting himself down and what he did. I told him I wanted to get married again. He avoids the conversation. Now, the real problem is his baby mama. She lives 500 miles away. She told Eric he is required to go down there to see her son once a month. I assumed he had done something like that before we got back together. He goes every 3 to 4 months because it’s impossible for him to go every month and not lose his job. Also, she wants $400 in cash every month. If he agreed to all of this she would stop the child support payments from be removing from his check. So, he did it, but there is still an open case with the court and even though it’s no longer removed from his check he still has to pay child support. I tried telling him not to send her cash, it’s not a good idea, but he does it anyway. He tells me it’s not my business. Since I’ve moved back in he has taken one trip to see his son. I was worried the entire time. She knows we’re together again. Soon after he came back I went through his messages, and he was sending her messages saying he couldn’t wait to see her and she was sending him selfies and telling him how she needs him to be her man. I confronted him. And, he gets mad at me for going through his phone. We work it out, but I tell him no more trips or I’m leaving him. Five months go by and his baby mama is calling and texting more than ever. Three weeks ago he tells me he will be leaving to go see his son for the weekend soon. That he will be sleeping on the couch at her parent’s house. He says it’s just for him to see his son, but I find it hard to believe. We fought almost every day until he left. He never called me when he made it off of the plane, like he said he would. I texted him to call me around 6pm. He texted me saying that he can’t because he is at a wedding. I’m pissed. So, I call and text him saying that he went out there to take her to the wedding and how is he there for his son? He ignores me. The morning he is supposed to come home, he doesn’t. I call him over and over again. No answer. So I call and text her. I tell her she is pathetic for using her son to see my man. He finally calls me and before he says hello I hear him tell her, “I’m going to beat her a** and kick her out of my house!” I tell him off. He tells me he was just mad and didn’t mean it, and that I just caused a lot of problems between them and how I don’t care about his son. He said he no longer texts or talks to her like that, and that he is just here for his son. Whom I’ve never met, because the only time she lets him see him is at her parent’s house. Eric still has not come home. He is still with her. He refuses to answer my calls, so I stopped trying. I feel like he is asking too much of me by expecting me to trust him with a person he cheated on me with, then punishing me when I can’t. And, now I believe more than ever he is with her, because you don’t tell anyone you will beat your girl for them. He doesn’t consider seeing his son cheating. No matter what he says I know deep down inside he is cheating. I do care if his son has a father, but he has never made an effort to see him without her. He would go to court if this was just about seeing his son. So, that really shows what he cares about. I feel so stupid right now for coming back to him, and letting him give me herpes, but I would be on the street right now if I didn’t. I just want out. I have no money, no one I can stay with, and no job. What should I do? I really need help coming up with a plan. – Still His Stupid Girlfriend Dear Ms. Still His Stupid Girlfriend , O_O I really had to take time to digest this letter, and sit with it. Honey, I made some tea, then some more tea, and then some more tea. Girl, this is just a hot a** mess, and should be a Lifetime movie. The layers of this letter is deep. I simply cannot believe that you intentionally slept with him knowing he had herpes, and then contracted it, and, you still stayed with him. Gulps tea. And, he was supposed to come home, however, he is still in another state with his baby momma, and refuses to accept your calls. WOW! WOW! WOW! Gulps tea. I truly believe that the wedding he was attending was his own. Yes, sweetie, he went down there and married that woman, and now he has to figure out a way to either a.) Tell you and get you out of his house. Or, b.) He continues to play the both of you and he travels back and forth lying to you telling you that he is going to see his son, when in actuality he is going to see his wife. It hurts my heart that you were able to get away from him once before, get your G.E.D., start community college, and you had your own apartment. I’m so sorry that you fell on hard times, and lost your place, but the last and I mean the last place you should have considered going to was back to him. Why go back to all of that drama and mess he put you through? He cheated on you, and lied about it. Hell, not only once, but a number of times he’s cheated on you. The first time he cheated should have been enough. And, after you put him out of the bedroom, and he then moved out four months later, that should have been it. But, you took him back, and then when his uncle died (which I don’t believe), he tells you he doesn’t want you coming with him, and, yet, you find out he got another woman pregnant. He wasn’t going to tell you, you had to dig and find out this information. So, had you not snooped and found this information he would have never told you. Think about it, the entire time she was pregnant, then conceived, and when the child was a month old, he still had not told you. HE WAS NEVER GOING TO TELL YOU! SMDH! But, let’s address the serious matter that he is a hoe. He sleeps around, and has casual sex with women without using any protection. He cheated on you twice that you know of, and the second woman ended up pregnant. Then, when you and he get back together after some time, you learn that he contracted herpes because of some fling he had at a conference. Uhm, ma’am, he is a hoe. And, you should have used common sense to know that he is not to be trusted, or someone whom you should lay with and give yourself to. I don’t care if he was your first, your only, and your last, no d**k, especially tainted d**k is worth risking your life over. Let the d**k go! Look at all the lies he’s told you, then he covers them up and doesn’t tell you. You have to snoop, dig, and pry in order to get the truth out of him, and even then he continues to lie to you. He uses the other woman and his son as a scapegoat, when in reality that is where he wants to be. It’s obvious that he is stringing you and her along because he doesn’t want to pay child support and have the money taken out of his pay check. Therefore, he keeps telling you he loves you, and wants to be with you, and he is telling her the same thing. Even to the point where she has petitioned to have him taken him off child support, and he pays her and agrees to travel once a month or every few months to go see his son. He’s gangsta! He’s a hustler. He’s a con man. He’s a lying piece of –ish, and he’s trapped you and her into his web of lies and game. And, on top of it, he gave you an STD, which I truly don’t understand why you would knowingly sleep with him and put yourself at risk when he has demonstrated and shown you that he doesn’t care about himself, or you. A man who can have casual sex, and not use any protection, is not someone you should ever trust yourself to lay with or be with. If he doesn’t take his own life and health seriously, then he will never ever take your life or health serious as well. So, now that your man has gone and married another woman (I believe that in my heart), and he refuses to answer your calls or texts, then it’s time to put a plan into place. You find a shelter, a good friend, or call human services and ask for resources for women who have no place to go and need assistance. Get on public assistance if you have to. You’re going to have to stop being a victim, and start over again. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. Stop relying on him. He is unreliable. He is a liar. He is deceptive, and he doesn’t respect or love you. Stop thinking you need him, and stop making the excuse for him that he should be there for his daughter. Clearly he doesn’t want to be there, otherwise, he would man up and do what he needs to and be present in her life. He’s told you to stay out of his business, and stop interfering with him and his baby momma. You are not his wife. You are the side chick living in his house. Which is why he told her that he is going to beat your a** and put you out of his house. You have not stake, no claim, no nothing to him or that house. Get out of this relationship before he destroys more of you. Go to a shelter if you have to, let go of the pride and ego and work on saving you and your daughter. Make sure you find a doctor to get treatment for your herpes, and begin a regimen for medication. You have to take care of you and your daughter. Stop calling him and texting him. He doesn’t want to be bothered. He doesn’t want to talk to you. Stop trying to make this relationship work when it is clearly over. Stop calling the other woman and threatening her, she is caught up in his lies and bull-ish just like you are. Who knows what he is telling her about you, and what lies he’s telling her. Besides, you notice that she doesn’t call you. Therefore, stop calling her. You’ve got to think of your own well-being and that of your daughter. Stop obsessing over a man who doesn’t give a damn about you. Rebuild your life, your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s time to invest all that energy into you and your daughter. Invest in your education, get your degree and begin working again. Find a job, somebody is hiring. Find a church or spiritual center to rebuild and nourish your spirit, and soul. Build friendships, supporters, and reinforcements that encourage you. LET HIM GO! He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t love you. Leave today. Not tomorrow, but today. Make the calls and start planning. Honey, you are better than me, because I would pack all my stuff and leave. And, when I left, I would leave the doors wide open. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean :  loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!     

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Dear Bossip: He Went To Visit His Child In Another State, But He Hasn’t Come Home Yet & He Won’t Take My Calls