Of all the peace accords in all the world, the most inane was made between two warring factions in a house at 2000 S St, NW. Here is transcript from their negotiations as arbitrated by Secretary of State Hilary Clinton . Hilary Clinton: Erika, Ashley, thank you for finally sitting together in this bean bag circle of truth to air your grievances and create a treaty whereby all the people of your lands shall live in peace. How did this rift between you two begin? Erika: Well, I told Ashley that I had a really bad break up in college and thought about suicide and was briefly institutionalized with depression. Thankfully my family was there to help me. Ashley: And then I told her that I was depressed too, but I didn’t have a family to rely on, so I was just depressed. Clinton: Did Erika mention anything about faking cancer ? Ashley: No, she didn’t, but she did mention an incident she wasn’t proud of. Erika: I didn’t mean that, I meant this outfit I once wore to a Death Cab for Cutie show. It was so bad that I almost had to change colleges over it. Everyone made fun of it, but I really thought that a dress made out of crocheted hanging planters would be a huge hit! Clinton: Well, this doesn’t sound like much of a fight. Ashley: No, that came later because I wanted to go on a duck tour and Erika wanted to go shopping and tried to derail my plans. Erika: Who wants to ride around town in a silly boat car thing anyway. I wanted to hit up some Urban Outfitters. I’m very conscious of my image after the crochet disaster. Ashley: She was all whiny and “No one ever does what I want to do,” but I wasn’t mad. I was passive aggressive, but I wasn’t mad, and all nine of us went to Georgetown together. Erika: But then they all wanted to eat. I didn’t want to eat I wanted to shop. That’s when my depression came back and I started to cry and told everyone I had cancer. I have cancer. Ashley: You didn’t tell us that! Erika: OK, I don’t have cancer. But it felt like I did. Clinton: Did you come to a resolution over the shopping skirmish? Ashley: We each bitched about it to our roommates when we got home. Erika: But then the next day, Ashley flipped out on me over the phone. Ashley: No one ever calls me and I don’t have any family and so I really wanted to talk to my friend on the phone and then you had to come in and call a cab. Erika: What did you want me to do? We had to go play laser tag! Ashley: Well, you could have been nice about it. You didn’t have to yell at me. Erika: You were the one who yelled at me!You just flipped out and started cussing me out. Clinton: Girls, please. We’re here trying to make peace. But it sounds like after the phone call incident you really went to war. Erika: Well, laser tag, yeah. My team won, cause we rule. Suckers! But when we got home the house smelled like pizza and there were ants and flies everywhere. I’m allergic to ants. So I had to teach Ashley how to clean. Ashley: God, Erika, I know how to clean. I have no family. I had to clean my car when I lived in it when I was homeless. But she was just acting so spoiled. You know that her family pays her rent and for her car. They take care of everything. She just throws a fit when I don’t get my way. Erika: You’re just jealous that I have a family, you stupid bitch. Ashley: I apologized for what I said, isn’t that enough. Erika: Oh please, you did the old, “I’m sorry for what I said, but not where it came from.” And then you started crying. I was the one wronged, I deserve to cry, not you. You stole my moment of sadness with your own tears and made your apology all about you, like always. Clinton: That doesn’t sound like it was very productive, but we’re trying to reach an accord. Is there anything that you ladies can agree on? Erika: That our roommate Mike is gay. Ashley: Oh yeah. He’s a huge homo. Even his boyfriend thinks so. Do you like the boyfriend, Erika? Erika: I do, he seems sweet. Ashley: I think he’s kind of a prick. That’s what everyone says about him. Erika: Is that why you were so cruel to me at dinner? Ashley: What are you talking about? Erika: I was telling Mike and Eric about how Ian and I were friends and then we became a couple and you interrupted and told me how boring I was. Ashley: That’s because everyone had heard that story like 50 times. Don’t you have another story. Maybe one about cancer? Erika: I hope your mother gets cancer. Oh wait, you don’t have one. Ashley: You fucking bitch. How dare you say that! Erika: Why did you get all mean to me about my boyfriend and then say it was a joke when you weren’t even joking. Clinton: Ladies. At this point it seems easier for one of you to leave the house than for you to work this out. Erika: I really thought about it because if I am in a really negative place then my cancer—I mean depression—my depression might come back. I don’t want that to happen, and as someone who was depressed, Ashley should understand that. Ashley: But I didn’t want you to leave because we’re friends. Clinton: You think that you are friends? Erika: She’s not my friend. I don’t like her, but I decided to stay. I’m going to be respectful of her and try to put up with her bullshit, but I will not be her friend. Ashley: But don’t fake being my friend. Erika: I won’t, because we’re friends. Maybe we should hug. Ashley: Yes, let’s hug. I promise to respect you like a roommate and we’ll work this out. Erika: I’m so glad we’re hugging. No one ever got cancer from a hug. Ashley: We are?
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