Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: President Barack Obama from President Barack Obama I didn’t watch this because I am not American and don’t really care that Obama was on the Zach Galfinakis show. I do know that it’s gone viral, obviously, and is probably going to be the biggest day for FunnyOrDie, a website that hates me and that has had their VP of Marketing tell me to fuck off at least once or twice 4 or 5 years ago, but I have a hard time letting go… I do know that the Obama haters will hate this, a President doing a viral video skit, how is that appropriate…but motherfucker’s it’s a new era and the only way to communicate with people is through viral videos. Either way, this is the FunnyorDie Peak…and I am only posting it because it means it is all downhill from here for these assholes….
Some “Model” who posted this story to Reddit, because Reddit is where you post stories about being cummed on by Terry Richardson… I originally posted about this in the AMA subreddit and someone directed me here as a better platform to share my experience. Over the past few weeks I have seen several negative articles posted and shared from my friends about Terry Richardson and because these are real life acquaintances I’m not totally comfortable (yet) saying “hey, I experienced this first hand and these are not just rumors” and admitting to a naive past in which I was impressionable and taken advantage of… but I feel like it is extremely important for me to share my experience for the sake of other young women out there so I’m starting here. I want to not only warn against making the same mistake I did but possibly open up the dialogue about how/and why this sort of thing can happen so easily. Let me preface this by saying I am fully aware that this was bad decision making on my part and that the true purpose of me sharing this is I want people to know what is possible in these situations and that you as a human being are 100% allowed to say no to something you are uncomfortable with and I wish I had the strength to then. So here is the full story (there is strong sexual content in this and could be a possible trigger): When I was 19 and going to art school in NY I thought it would be fun to do nude “art” modeling on the side for money. I thought hey I am comfortable with my body and a creative, open minded person so this is a great idea, right?! So, for several months I was doing this for pay through model mayhem at first and then through different connections. My experiences were overall great, I was always comfortable and never felt like I was being taken advantage of or in danger. I was never touched or made to feel like I had to do something out of my comfort zone. In fact, I was having a lot of fun with this and actually got a friend of mine to start doing it as well. This is all until I modeled for Terry Richardson, which is the last time I’ve nude modeled. I knew of Terry Richardson and I liked his aesthetic (at the time) but I didn’t know anything about him or his reputation. I saw his website one day and noticed that you could submit to model, so I did. I got a response (I’m assuming from his assistant) pretty quickly and thought cool! He’s a well known photographer this will only help me get more work, you know? So a time was set up and I went and this is how it went and down… It was a Saturday early evening, I went to his studio in Soho. When I got there his assistant let me in and I met him. He was very smiley and his studio was just a big studio apartment type set up. We sat at his kitchen table, me, him, and his assistant. His assistant was probably like 40-45, dark hair, some work done on her face. We sat at the table and they were super casual, she was ordering food and asked if I wanted any I declined (I legitimately had a stomach infection building and went to the hospital that night but that’s another story). I remember he got this like lemon garlic pasta and thinking that sounded really good. So he ate, she ate I drank tea and he was doing something on his computer and she had me sign the model release forms. I don’t remember what they said, definitely not anything specific about what he would want to do though, I had signed several of these before and it looked the same. Eventually we got up to take pictures and he had me stand against the blank white wall in the middle of the apartment. I stood there and he started taking pics, assistant off to the side. Then he came up and took pictures POV style with his hand on my face. Then he put his thumb in my mouth, I actually thought this was funny in the moment and he and his assistant were very upbeat and just light heartedly directing me. Then he stepped back at some point and had me start removing my clothes (I knew I would be getting nude, so this was not weird to me). I remember he had me take stuff off in stages, he complimented a lot, his assistant too. Definitely the usual trying to make the barely legal model feel special kind of thing looking back. I honestly do not remember if the sexual stuff started by the wall or when he moved me to the couch area but at some point I was being directed to do things like hold the top of his pants while he took more POV style pictures, then eventually unbutton his pants and then his penis was out. Meanwhile it felt like it was all just happening and there was no time to step back and be like “woah this is out of hand”. I dont think anyone who knows me would describe me as a particularly aggressive person (and definitely wasn’t at 19) and the only way I can describe how I felt was nervous and paralyzed. At some point the assistant started taking pictures too with a crappy point and shoot camera. He had me posing on the couch and then I had my back to him and just literally felt him start licking my ass, like every part of it, and the assistant was taking pictures the whole time. Things were now completely pornographic and never once initiated by me. He was now on the couch with me and it became sexual act after sexual act, aggressive kissing, random sexual things being done to me and being directed to do everything you can think of back, everything slow so his assistant could photograph. He even directed me to squeeze his balls as hard as I could so that they pushed back up into his body. I did not even know that was possible (At least I learned something about the male anatomy that night?). I was completely a sex puppet at this point. It ended with him jacking off on to my face and he told me to keep my eyes open really wide and his assistant stood over me and it got in my eye and they both began taking pics of it for a what felt like 10 minutes but was probably only 30 seconds… Finally, they backed off and were still acting like everything was totally fun and normal and upbeat or whatever and I think I was visibly in shock. I am a quiet person and I was definitely quiet in that moment and that’s when he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said yes and he started overly sweetly apologizing and so did his assistant. And he said oh I always mean to ask that first I’m so sorry. This was the part that actually bothered me the most because A. I think what had just happened was hitting me and B. it felt so fake and planned and like a slap in the face. I said it was fine that it didn’t matter and he wouldn’t care its ok (I don’t know why, obviously he would and did care. He knew I was nude modeling but nothing like this). Then I guess I cleaned up and got dressed and I don’t even remember saying bye or what happened as far as leaving the studio/apartment but his assistant wanted to come with me and paid for a cab and rode halfway with me and sort of comforted me I guess? She was giving me weird advice on how everything we did was ok and how I am clearly a strong girl but i wasn’t even asking for advice. Then she left at her destination and I went home. I told my roommate that night about it in disbelief. I still had that stomach infection going on and it got extremely bad that night and I ended up being taken to the hospital in an ambulance, looking back I am almost 100% sure this was more panic attack induced than the stomach infection alone. I got a voicemail a couple weeks after from his assistant asking me to grow out my pubic hair and join her, him, and three girls my age on a shooting/camping trip. I did not respond. It takes two to tango, but what it comes down to is that Photographers are creeps, that is why they are photographers. They want to be a position of power around girls who get in various states of undress, directing them…and models are vain, possibly insecure, but vain and all about being in front of the camera..doing whatever it takes to look their hottest in hopes of making a career out of the shit…. That said, if you are a photographer and a girl is into your shoot, why wouldn’t you keep going? I mean it’s like having sex with a girl who is into it, only for her to say you raped her years later…if all signs point to she’s down then she’s down…it’s not like she was chained down or locked up…or like she even said no…you know…”It all happened so fast and next thing you know he was cumming on my face”..isn’t really the best argument…that’s like blaming someone you had unprotected sex for giving you herpes. Take responsibility. In life, there are people who have groupies, and groupies, and often times when all is said and done and the people with groupies leave port, the groupie, who fought so hard to be the groupie he chose that night, realizes it’s not all that great. Clearly, Terry is connected, and a creepy pervert, any models knows that..and I am sure are shooting with him for that reason… It takes two to tango.. Anyway, someone sent me this pic, and I am putting it out there, saying is this to model accusing him of violating her? Whether it is or not, it sounds like a case of “taking that load to my face didn’t work out how I expected”….. In my defence, I am a notorious Victim Blamer.
To put this in context, Bieber is being interviewed about attacking the paparazzi, by the paparazzi lawyer, who in the event you didn’t know, are evil and represent evil. I know this because paparazzi lawyers come after me all the time and are on some fucking cash grab, always trying to squeeze money from every angle… So seeing Bieber, who has a ton of fucking money, all at a young age, is more famous than god, being interviewed and getting worked up, sarcastic and winking at the camera, is amazing. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Bieber fan, he’s still a little pussy puppet used by Usher to cum in, but he’s got a great scam going on, and he fucks all kinds of hot girls, and more importantly, he’s rude to idiots who ask him questions, when sometimes you gotta be. I don’t know what Bieber is being hated on, I mean why should he be nice to these assholes who don’t know the difference between film and video, I wouldn’t be and either would you, especially when your piss is worth more than their yearly salary. I’m a Belieber.
I don’t find Ashley Tisdale hot…only because she looks like her face got hit with a fucking shovel…even after the plastic surgery. But for some reason, she has the most Loyal fan base that thinks she’s this remarkable creature, despite her plastic surgery…and that confuses me. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me, to which I conclude, of course there is a lot wrong with me…just like Ashley Tisdale’s face…maybe that’s why I hate her, because I see my imperfections in her imperfect overrated face… Here she is in a hipster shoot…boring.
I don’t find Ashley Tisdale hot…only because she looks like her face got hit with a fucking shovel…even after the plastic surgery. But for some reason, she has the most Loyal fan base that thinks she’s this remarkable creature, despite her plastic surgery…and that confuses me. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me, to which I conclude, of course there is a lot wrong with me…just like Ashley Tisdale’s face…maybe that’s why I hate her, because I see my imperfections in her imperfect overrated face… Here she is in a hipster shoot…boring.
Nothing like Miley Cyrus and a groupie hanging out…both crying for attention louder than the other, maximizing the photo opportunity as hard as they can so everyone knows how relevant they both are…one by latching onto Miley at the peak of her fame and Miley latching onto a groupie to do something lesbian and different so people like me package it as something hot…even though it’s more in line with when two fat girls who know they are fat tongue kiss in a club to steal attention from the pretty girls who don’t need stunts to get respect and adoration…just a couple of insecure broken girls trying to make the most of the time they have…and I am not alone in saying it would be better with more pussy eating and/or fisting.
Nothing like Miley Cyrus and a groupie hanging out…both crying for attention louder than the other, maximizing the photo opportunity as hard as they can so everyone knows how relevant they both are…one by latching onto Miley at the peak of her fame and Miley latching onto a groupie to do something lesbian and different so people like me package it as something hot…even though it’s more in line with when two fat girls who know they are fat tongue kiss in a club to steal attention from the pretty girls who don’t need stunts to get respect and adoration…just a couple of insecure broken girls trying to make the most of the time they have…and I am not alone in saying it would be better with more pussy eating and/or fisting.
Sure, not all Topless Protestors are created equally, but this one isn’t so bad. She’s not as fat and dykey as most Topless Protestors…because pretty girls are too busy being pretty and dating rich dudes to waste their time trying to be political and make a stance…unless they already married the rich guy, he’s off fucking the nanny, and they have nothing else to do…but that’s clearly not what’s going on here, what’s going on here, is some girl is ripping apart the bible, for the Christians who have never heard of science to get very upset about, all in protest of the Ukraine apparently, but I wouldn’t know, because I watched in on mute and was staring at her tits…what I do know is that this is a fun kind of naughty, that reminds me of this Jesus freak I used to fuck, who loved anal, but more importantly, loved shoving religious statues in her twat…thank you years of repression for showing me a good time…
Her name is Danielle Lloyd, she’s a busty UK model who has made a living showing her tits, and here she is showing her tits for the paparazzi in her bikini, being as subtle as a whore can be, I mean if she hired a marching band and some fucking circus performers, with a spotlight and fireworks, it’d take away from the authenticity that she a titty model, who only exists in our lives because of her tits, showing her tits for the paparazzi she hired…if you get what I am saying…and if you don’t you’re an idiot…but I’ll break it down to you like this. She’s only relevant because she models her tits, so when she hits the beach with the paparazzi she hired for PR, she shows her tits in a subtle way, to keep her fans intrigued or at least reminded of her tits. Basic low level marketing, sure, but she makes more money than us and that is depressing. TO SEE THE REST OF THE PICS CLICK HERE
I don’t know who Lena Gercke is, but apparently she’s my soul mate and by soul mate I mean some hard faced german model who probably likes to shit or be shit on, because that’s what german’s do. She’s in German GQ, which means she’s obviously of some level of importance, but all I see is some hard face and intensity, coupled with a girl who is dating some pro soccer player, as European Glamour models do…so I guess that makes her useless to us, since if she wasn’t dating some pro soccer player, she’d totally be sitting on our collective faces, letting us taste what she ate for lunch….right?
