Dear Bossip , I never knew what an emotional affair was until now. I dated my wife 2 years before she got pregnant. She made the decision to stop taking birth control without telling me. We got married. I was 19-years old, and she was 20-years old. I dropped out of college and joined the military. I cheated on her the majority of the marriage. She knows about my infidelity, but never left. We had a lack of communication and never said the words, “I love you.” Fast forward and after another son I am now 34-years old and I have finally decided to take the marriage seriously, and put 100% effort into my marriage. The last 2 months I have been showing my wife attention and been telling her I love her and miss her after work. I’ve also been helping out around the house. One night she tells me she needs space. Long story short she confessed to having an affair with a co worker! She isn’t a sexual person like that so I was surprised big time. She kept saying it was emotional and not about sex. It’s been going on for 7 months! They had sex on four separate occasions. A couple of times after work in our car and would text/call each other while I’m not home or sleep. It would be things like sneaking around the job hugging and kissing. I was crushed due to me finally doing the right things in my marriage. And my wife wants to leave me and the boys! Me being a person who has never been cheated on, it was tough to handle. It was strange that my wife couldn’t go stay with the other guy because I was kicking her butt out the house. And, when they had sex it was at hotels. At least when I cheated it was with single women. What kind of POS tries to have a relationship with a married co-worker? Well, it seemed like red flags to me so I did a background check on this guy. Come to find out he was married with a 4-year old and my wife didn’t know it! He told her that he was single and just had a baby momma. I found his wife number on the background check and told her everything. The other guy who was avoiding me, and he finally texted me after his wife found out. He was saying that my wife was lying and she was just an unhappy wife. Now, my wife messed up his happy home over this BS. He was saying that my wife was a downgrade. He kept using the word, “son” which irritated me because I am from Texas and I do not like east coast cats. I just forwarded my wife all the texts the guy was saying, and after talking to the guy’s wife she finally woke up from her fantasy world. The guy was married for 14 years and his wife has neglected at home. I meet up with the other guy’s wife many times and I was going to have sex with his wife to get even. But, I let it go. P.S his wife was fat. My wife says she wants to be back at home and does not want the other guy. He is a loser. I’m like, “He was worth you leaving me and the kids for and now you don’t want him. Maybe he don’t want you!” She says she wasn’t getting something from home. We had sex all the time. We have been going to counseling and everything has been good. We are communicating and it seems brand new. I guess I wasn’t giving her attention. How can me not picking up my clothes equal her banging some guy? Should I have taken my wife back after all the sneaking around and should I have banged that dude’s wife like Will Ferrell in, The Campaign ? I still wanna beat the dude’s a**. I know where he works! – Never Been Cheated On Dear Mr. Never Been Cheated On , You have a lot of gall and nerve! You have a self-righteous, indignant, and ego that needs a freaking reality check! Pump your MoFo brakes, homeboy, and look at the real culprit in all of this. It’s your ole dramatic finger-pointing a**! So, let me get this straight: After you’ve been cheating on your wife for the majority of your marriage, beginning from ages of 19 to 34, and within the last two months of your marriage it has suddenly dawned you on that you should be more considerate, caring, loving, supportive, and monogamous. And, now you want to be rewarded for “good behavior?” You want some special award, or some acknowledgement for two months of doing what you should have been doing for the past 15 years? You have got to be joking, right? You surely can’t think you are owed some accommodation or a pat on the back. You are an a**hole! A joke! A damn donkey! And, now you’re upset that your wife had an affair after she’s put up with your infidelity, cheating, and all the drama you put her through for the past 15 years. I truly can’t with you! Then, you sat up here and tried to justify your cheating by saying at least when you cheated you did it with single women. Boy, reach up and slap your own damn self in the face. The hell type of bull-ish you talking about. Cheating is cheating. Regardless of who you’re doing it with. Your trick a** was married. HELLO! Why the hell were you cheating? But, the beginning of your problems started when you were 19 years old, and she was 20 years old and she got pregnant. She stopped using birth control without telling you, thus, which surmises that you were not wearing condoms. So, don’t put it all on her. You have some responsibility in this. But, because you felt it was her fault, and she was trying to trap you, you resented her and the relationship. You resented her because she stopped taking birth control. You resented her for having the baby when I’m sure you didn’t. You resented her because you felt you had to drop out of school and enlist in the military so that you could support her and the baby. You resent her because you felt you had to marry her to do the right thing. Thus, you cheated, lied, deceived, manipulated, and treated her horribly throughout your entire marriage because of your resentment toward her. And, she felt all the pain, hurt, and anger you felt toward her. She felt the resentment, and your unhappiness. She felt unloved, unwanted, undesired, and not needed. I’m sure that’s how you made her feel. And, for the 15 years she endured all of this, the chipping away of her soul, her spirit, and her womanhood. Then, she got fed up, and wanted someone, anyone to love her, and she found comfort, and emotional support from her co-worker. Because you emotionally depleted her, and she was emotionally empty, this man made her feel needed, desired, wanted, and loved. Everything you took from her, he gave back to her. That is why she said the relationship was emotional. It wasn’t about the sex. She was missing you, her husband, and the feelings of being needed and wanted by the one man who would not give it to her. Yes, it was wrong what she did. She should have come to you and talked with you about this. But, like you said, your marriage suffered from the lack of communication, and she didn’t feel that she could come to you and talk. Why would she? For the past 15 years you haven’t been available, or around emotionally, mentally, and physically. And, what’s really sad and unfortunate is that you are still missing why she cheated, why all of this happening, and what role you’ve played to create all of this. You won’t take any responsibility for your role, and how this all begin 15 years ago when you developed resentment. This is the underlying problem of your relationship and marriage. You resent her and you need to be honest about this and tell yourself the truth. This resentment is what made you to decide to step outside of your marriage, and continued to do so for 15 years. Then, you claim your wife knew, but decided to stay. Why? What kept her there with you? But, you didn’t care, you kept on cheating. Then, when YOU decided to make a change within the past two months you want her to forget everything you’ve put her through and to simply move on and act as if it never happened. You’re trying to act like you’re so hurt, bothered and destroyed by her infidelity. LOL! Sir, you said, “I’ve never been cheated on. So, this is tough to handle.” Oh really Mr. Johnny-Come-Lately. It hurts. It doesn’t feel good. And, you don’t like it. Hmmm…. Re-read your letter, and notice this entire letter is about YOU! What she did to you. How dare she do this to you after you’ve been good to her for the past two months, and you are in counseling and things are good now. Why would she do this to you, the man who’s trying to make things right. How dare she betray you! And, isn’t it ironic that your wife found solace and cheated with a man who is very similar to you? The man she cheated with neglected his wife, and they had been married for 14 years. Then, you wrote, “He is a loser.” Uhm, pot meet kettle. Then, you go on to say, “I’m like, “He was worth you leaving me and the kids for and now you don’t want him. Maybe he don’t want you!”” Well, you didn’t act like you wanted her for the past 15 years. So, err, uhm, Mr. Think-His-Ish-Don’t-Stink you can’t go throwing stones at other folk’s glass houses. But, hold pimping, you wrote, “She says she wasn’t getting something from home. We had sex all the time. We have been going to counseling and everything has been good. We are communicating and it seems brand new. I guess I wasn’t giving her attention.” So, you equate sex with attention? Because you are recently in counseling, and only two months of acting like an interested husband is supposed to erase the hurt, pain, and drama you put her through? You are not the brightest in the bunch. You definitely are lacking some common sense. And, for the record, yes, it was about you not giving her attention. Damn! I swear you won’t get a clue even when it smacks you in the face. You truly do think with your d**k because you really do think sex is the resolve for any and everything. Sex is your cure for fixing something. And, you truly felt that by sleeping with the other man’s wife it would help you get even. Really? Really! You wanted to get even, and continue the damage, and hurt, and draw the wedge even deeper? Dumb, Dumba**, Dumb donkey! And, Mr. Don’t-Have-A-Clue, you want to know, “How can me not picking up my clothes equal her banging some guy?” SMDH! It’s not about picking up the clothes. It’s deeper. You not picking up the clothes is a metaphor, it’s a symbolic representation of you not caring. You not contributing. You ignoring her. You mistreating her. Her not feeling valued, wanted, and needed. The resolve is to continue counseling with your wife, and working on building the communication between you. You have 15 years of resentment that you need to let go, and work on. It’s time to come clean and be honest with yourself, and your wife. You also need to work on your lack of emotion, infidelity, and why you were cheating. And, she has 15 years of hurt, pain, and feeling unwanted, not needed, and unsupported to work on, and you rebuilding with her. Counseling and therapy will help you rebuild with one another, building trust, honesty, communication, and recreating your relationship. Love is not just about what you do, but it’s how you treat someone. And, please don’t go up to his job trying to fight this man because you’re feeling some type of way. It’s not worth it, and it will not prove anything. Besides, what if he beats your a** at his job, and in front of your wife. Then what? – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
