Dear Bossip , Me and my husband have been married for five years, and all those years I always have done everything. My husband is from Nigeria. I even put up all the money and fees to get him here. We have three children, two adopted by me before we got together, and our 2 year old that we have together. We were best friends for 8 years before even getting together, so naturally, I thought all would be great. I was wrong. Two weeks after having our son my husband arrived. It seemed once he arrived things would change. I was off from work after having our son and things were limited and stressful. You know when you start learning to live with someone full-time things change, such as arguments and problems. Many of the issues revolve around him wanting his name being added to my home. I had I thought gladly, but learning from my past mistakes something told me be careful. So, I told him that I would and I’d even sign an agreement if I knew he was contributing. I would be glad to add his name, and then I offered we could buy a new home. But, in the meantime, let’s learn each other and adjust to being a family first and get things worked out with so many changes happening. However, when our son turned six months old he left to go to another state saying he was only going to be gone three months because he wanted to get some job training. I told him it really wasn’t a good time to leave and he went anyway. By this time, I was thinking of quitting my job, but I returned to work and was taking our son to daycare, even though he agreed we would work different shifts to care for him because of the expense of daycare. All of this was happening, and I was about to tell him about quitting my job and possibly putting his name on the house. As this point I was still paying everything and I just did not want anymore issues. But, his approach stopped me in my tracks. His three month had turned in to almost three years with every little excuse of why he hasn’t moved back. Now, he’s in Atlanta, and he only comes home every three to five month for only a week. I pay all the bills in the home, and all the childcare for our children, including all the insurance. He asked me on several occasions to get loans ranging from $1,500 to $4,000 dollars. He said it was to help get his business started so that he can help take care of his family. I got the loans and still nothing has come of it other than my credit being ruin. I ended up being stuck paying the loans after he said, “Baby, no, I am going to pay the monthly bill.” I try to help every time he calls asking for money because he’s my husband and I want him to succeed. But, I told him that I have dreams, too, but I still have to take care of the family while pursuing them. I don’t think it’s fair to leave me hanging and putting everything on me. Also, every time I bring up that he is never here for our anniversary, birthday, or Valentine’s Day it’s a problem with him. The two times we did do something it was on our anniversary. I paid for everything just so that he would spend time with me on that day. I keep telling him that this is a problem and he says that I need to be patient, and that he has a dream and it’s going to take time. Yet, when I try to talk to him about the issue he likes to blame me for everything going wrong in our marriage. He even asked for a DNA test on our son once when he got mad at me. I finally got tired of him using that so I paid for it myself to get it done and of course our son is his. But, I’m tired of it. My family said I should get out of this marriage. I asked my brothers about putting his name on the house and they said that it’s crazy, and they find it funny that he is not contributing anything but he wants his name on the house. Why is it such a big deal? Why not buy another home together? I told him that if he didn’t want to be married to me, or if I’m such a bad wife, then let me know so I can give up and move on. But, he says no, I love you still and he’s trying to build things for our family and that he wants things. I told my brothers that a lot of men when they get married would want their name on the home, and I can understand that it is only fair. But, they said, “Yeah, but most men would also help pay the bills and take care of their family.” They also said that this man is up to something. He’s already shown me that when things get tough, he will leave. He even calls me names when he is angry. Yet, I have been helping him and doing what he asks of me. This makes me hesitant with putting his name on my home. I even put my only car up and almost lost my home trying to get money for him. But, he gets mad and doesn’t understand why I will not put his name on the house, or file income taxes with him. I have seen what he can do and it’s not good. So, I stopped getting loans and I refuse to put his name on the house unless something changes for the better. Even when he moved to Atlanta, I did not know until I was talking to him and he said he moved to there. I was a little thrown off. I am supposed to be your wife, and there wasn’t even a discussion about him moving. I don’t want to fail at marriage, again. I love him, but I am starting to hate him. I am so tired as I work full-time, go to school, raise the children, and I help him because he won’t get a regular job. And, I pay for everything. But, I can’t even get a call from him or even get him to take me out for a special occasion. I can’t even get a text on Valentine’s Day or on my birthday. I guess I am not even worth a phone call. I know people are thinking why would I have a baby with him knowing I wasn’t ready and we hadn’t lived together. I was told I could not have children, but after adopting my two older children I found I was pregnant after I got back from Nigeria. I was pregnant so I figure it was God’s will. I am sorry this email is so long, but I am lost and I don’t know if it is wrong of me to feel this way. Should I do what all my family and friends say, as they tell me that I need to divorce him? – Married But Alone Dear Ms. Married But Alone , Please get the divorce from your husband, TODAY! You are not in a marriage. He is using you. He has used you to get him to the United States, and he’s been using you for your money. And, now he wants you to put his name on your home so that he can take that from you. Don’t do it! Follow your instincts and do not put his name on your home. You will end up homeless, destitute, and even more in loan debt. RUN FROM THIS MAN! I really don’t understand how you went to Nigeria, met this man, got pregnant, then, got married and decided to bring him to the U.S. Why? For what purposes? He has been nothing but a burden. He hasn’t done anything to show you that he is interested in marriage, or that he even loves you. I swear as soon as you got off the plane in Nigeria they all saw you coming. You had boo-boo the fool stamped on your forehead. Did you even notice that as soon as he gets to the U.S. he leaves you and tells you that he is going to another state for some job training. Uhm, sweetie, really? He was able to find a job that took him to another state, even when you asked him not to go. And, then, he calls you and tells you that he’s moved to Atlanta. But, hold up, he’s been there for nearly three years!!!! How the hell does that work? Girl, there ain’t no amount of love, sex, or holding out for things to get better with this man. Open your eyes and see what is going on. He is using you. He’s manipulated you. Chile, that fool is in another state with another woman. He is running game on you and all the women he’s probably met. Yes, he is probably slanging that Nigeria peen to any woman willing to believe his lies. And, in the process he is getting money out of all of you, and what’s sad is that you all are giving it to him! You are taking out loans up to $4,000 to give him for some pipe dream he is selling you. I can’t! Get you a divorce lawyer and put him on child support. Yup, teach his ass a lesson. He wants to play and manipulate and deceive you into some lie that he wants to build a marriage and family with you, but he’s not even home, not living with you, and, this fool is another state living another life. Girl, bye! He doesn’t spend time with you or his son. He doesn’t call or text you on your birthday or holidays. Hell, he doesn’t even show up. GET THE DIVORCE and save yourself and your family. This marriage was a bust before it even began. The moment he asked you to pay the fees and provide all the financial resources to get him to the U.S., you should have known it was a red flag. Then, when he gets here he wants you to put his name on your home. HELL NAW! He is out of his rabbit ass mind. He doesn’t have a job. He can’t contribute financially to the household. He is a liability. And, ever since he’s gotten here he has gone missing in action. But, ma’am, you should have gotten a clue and saw all of this from the very beginning. It’s damn near three years later, and he is still using the same bull-ish lines on you and you’re falling for it. Let this marriage go. You’re not married. You got a man from Nigeria to the U.S. This is a lesson learned. Don’t ever do this again. Never. Ever. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: I Married My Nigerian Husband & Now He’s Living In Another State
