Dear Bossip , I’ve been in love with the same man since September 2010. We met on a deployment. I lived in North Carolina and he lived in Alabama. He was a gentleman, a dream come true, until we got back to the states. He started hiding our relationship. He let his friends talk greasy about me on Facebook and would not let me meet his mom. Around January/February 2011 I found out the reason that he wouldn’t take me to meet his mom was because his ex lived there. I found this out after she tried to add me on Facebook. Around this same time I found out that he had given me two STD’s at once. Both curable. I forgave him. He kept lying and only God knows about what else. So, we broke up in May. I moved on with my life. So, in December 2011 he came back to me wanting to get back together. I said yes. January went by smoothly. In February I received an email from a girl that said she was also his woman. She also told me about the baby he had on the way with the one that lived with his mom. I was devastated. He told me that he hadn’t seen or talked to the girl since November (we were both on two separate deployments at this time). He also told me that he had planned on telling me about the baby face to face when we got home. I was so hurt because at the time the baby was conceived he was still telling me he loved me. It was the same girl that had originally broken us up in the first place. I tried to stomach it for love, but when he took his time getting a DNA test I just couldn’t do it. We broke up in May 2012. Fast forward to May 2013, he emails me to say Happy Birthday and it turns into friendly conversation. He had a girl and I had a man. His girlfriend (the one that told me about the baby) emails me to let me know that they had gotten back together and that I needed to stop talking to her man. This whole time he been telling me how much he loves and misses me, but not once did he say he would leave her for me. I guess I’m writing to you because I don’t know how to just tell him to leave me alone and stop coming back into my life. Because I feel like he only comes back to figure out if he still has a place in my heart, and to see that if he really did want to come back to me if I would take him back. I love him. I really do. He was my first love. I think about him every day, but I know in my heart that he will never grow up and he will never leave his baby mama alone or take any woman serious. I love him, but I am not in love with him. He emails me and when I email him back 4 to 5 days later, he gets a little attitude. I don’t know how to tell him to leave me alone for good. Whatever I do it turns into an argument. – Want To Move On Dear Ms. Want To Move On , I’m sorry, but what is so difficult about telling someone to leave you the hell alone!?! He is only coming back into your life because you allow him to come back in your life. Stop responding to him and he will leave you alone. HELLO! Stop giving him entrée. Stop all communication. Stop answering his emails. Stop answering his texts. Stop every damn thing and he will leave you alone. Damn! It’s that simple. But, you like this attention. You enjoy him coming back to you in and out of your life. You find it amusing knowing that he is thinking about you. Because as you stated in your letter, you think about him every day. You keep him alive and this drama going on between you and him because you are enjoying his attention. You feel that although he has a woman, and you may have a man, that he is still reaching out to you because there must be something there. There must be some love, some affection, and you get a kick out of knowing he is going behind his woman’s back and telling you things you want to hear. So, be honest and ask yourself why do you feel the need to respond? What are you getting out of it? What do you possibly owe him, and what are you hoping to get out of these exchanges? Yeah, you playing these games with him, so, ma’am, I’m going to need for you to grow the hell up and stop all these shenanigans. Ain’t nobody got time to be playing with you and inflating your self-esteem and ego. And, ma’am, I want you to be very aware of what I’m about to tell you: He doesn’t love. He doesn’t even like you. You are someone he tolerates and likes dumping his STD’s into. Point blank! The man never apologized to you for giving you two STD’s at the same time. Please tell me what is there to love about him? Please tell me how you can possibly even think this man deserves any of your time, or attention? He gave you two STD’s at the same time. (Uhm, burns much). LOL! Honey, he never apologized or stood up for you when his friends were talking greasy about you on Facebook. He never even introduced you to his mother. As you’ve stated in your letter, you were a secret that he hid and never admitted to anyone that you were his woman. Which means he was embarrassed and ashamed to call you his woman. And, on top of that, he had his other woman, the one who had his baby, living with his momma, and still dipping up in you because you spread your legs and let him run up in you raw thinking he loved you. HE DIDN’T, DOES NOT, and NEVER WILL! So, it’s time you stop calling him your first love, and that you have all these feelings for him. This man didn’t have any feelings for you because if he did, then he wouldn’t have put you through all this drama, stress, and emotional, mental, and physical pain he has taken you through. You’re the woman he knows who is naïve enough to let him keep coming and going, and continue to give him some gush-gush and run game on you. When you learn to respect yourself, demand better for yourself, and stop letting men treat you like a doormat, then you can truly get rid of him. Until you can truly and honestly be real with yourself about why you keep letting him come back and forth in your life, and why you feel the need to respond to him when he reaches out to you, then he will keep coming back. So, cut the cord. Drop his a**. And, stop responding to him. If you truly want to get him out of your life, then stop responding to his emails, block his a**, and block his number. As a matter of fact, put DNA next to his name and number (Do Not Answer). Pull yourself together and go live your life. Stop harboring and thinking about him every day. When thoughts of him come up, put on some music, read a book, go jogging, do something to distract the thoughts, and trust me you will eventually not even have a thought or concern about him. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Continue reading →
