Well, it came back. We thought we’d burned this show and buried its remains in enough sacred burial grounds that it wouldn’t be able to regenerate, but it has, and it’s worse than ever. Who was doing what in society last night? Let’s find out! Paul Johnson Calderon Our little gay wiggleworm didn’t have much to do in this episode. Mostly he addressed Drinkthrowgate from last week. You’ll remember that he tossed a drink in a socialite’s eyes last night, blinding her forever, and now he’s on his Barack-style apology tour. Don’t you listen to Mitt Romney, PJC? Americans do not apologize for throwing drinks in Muslims’ or socialites’ faces. But, oh well, he did. He first had a big important sitdown summit with his archnemesis, the feral woodchuck known in Upper East Side circles as “Jules Kirby.” He wasn’t so much trying to apologize to her as just smooth things over (the drink had been intended for her), but Juju wasn’t having any of that. So they fought a little more and she stormed out and he said something about her ass-face and ass-hair or something and gin dribbled out of all of our mouths because, like Liz Lemon, that is how we cry now. Later he talked to Alexandra, the socialite who got the drink right in the seein’ sticks, and she put out her hands and said “Voices! I hear voices. Who’s there? Who goes there?” She flailed her walking stick in the air and PJC slowly backed out of the room and blind old Tiresias there frowned and said “A gentleman would have offered to pay for the dry cleaning.” I was unaware until last night that one can have their eyeballs dry cleaned. High Society is nothing if not educational. Murgatroyd Mercer, Tinsley’s Mom In this episode Murgatroyd decided to put on her historian’s hat and do a little research. You see, Tinsley has been dating a German prince who wears a Kaiser-esque spiked war helmet, and Murgatroyd does not approve. So she bravely put on her tweed outfit and got her smoking pipe and flounced off to the liberry, a big old building where they keep reading books and sad plump ladies with frizzy hair who drink tea and speak often of cats. Ma Tinz wanted to find out about Cashmere’s family and ohhhhh boy did she find something out. First of all, he’s not American . The lady does not like that. Tinzley’s old husband, a golden retriever named Topper, was an American prince. And this guy is just German, and we all know that the Germans are a cruel, cruel race. We don’t know exactly what she found out, but we can assume it’s Nazis. Murgatroyd found out Nazis. There was another thing earlier in the episode where everyone threw a No More Sads party for Tinsley and they all showed her pics and profiles of potential men dates and Murgatroyd held up a picture of Topper as means to a sad little joke and everyone was upset and Murgatroyd just said “Oh phooey,” and stabbed her fork angrily at her butter cake and nothing is fun anymore like it used to be down south in the Dixie ’60s. Jules Kirby The proud-chinned daughter of a vengeful witch and the disease rabies, Jules did many terrible things this episode. First she had her meeting with PJC and she broke her wine glass and stabbed the stem into his neck, great gushes of blood squirting out, and she just laughed and laughed and laughed. Then it was time for her daily regimen of yelling at maids. She and Tinsley’s sister, Dagnabbit, bought some very fancy monogrammed sheets because that’s what all the girls in town are doing these days. Used to be girls collected stickers or various Hello Kitty trinkets, but now they’re into monogrammed sheets, so. Jules was very proud of her sheets, which had her initials in big black gothic letters: “6.6.6.” They were very pretty, but of course the stupid ethnic maid at the stupid hotel where she’s stupidly living just couldn’t clean anything right and then put her monogrammed pillowcase upside down. Her name isn’t 9.9.9.! Come on now. Jules graciously informed her that in her country people don’t read upside down and the maid just nodded and poured a little more ether into Jules’ Evian. After that exhausting bout of teaching weirdo foreigners how to read American monogram sheets, Jules decided she needed some time to unfuckingwind. So she and her two gal pals, Regan and Goneril, went down to Poorpeopletowne, USA. This is a part of Manhattan that some people call the Lower East Side. Down there, Jules explained to us, people are poor and blue collar. But it’s fun to go down there once in a while, because you can mess with them and do stupid things and play their sad poor people games like beer pong and then you get to leave and go back to wonderful uptown. Goneril made out with a poor blue collar type, like all the white people who currently hang out on the LES are, and Jules laughed and laughed and laughed. Outside Regan wanted to bum a cigarette but Jules sagely advised her that one shouldn’t ask people down there for cigarettes, because people in that neighborhood don’t like have jobs and stuff. Ohhhh Jules! Blessed, wonderful Jules. What good company you’re going to be for Leona Helmsley when you die. Malik the Sheik On clear spring nights, you can still hear his name on the wind. Tinz Poor Tinsley. She has so many sadnesses. First there is her big new room apartment that is so empty and echoing. So she got her furnitures and her boxes filled with tissue and she began unpacking in her big, tall teeter-shoes and that made her feel better for a spell. But then came the Party Night and Momma held up that picture of Topper — with his big floppy ears and his pink tongue and shiny coat — and she was saddened all over again, because Topper is gone. Ran off after a car one day, went yipping away down the road and that was the last anyone had seen of him. But at least Blind Alexandra held up a picture of a nice platypus man that she thought she might have fun dating, so one something good came out of the bad party. The platypus man was nice and handsome and they went to dinnermeal in a basement that she liked. Drip drip drip went the pipes and gurrr gurr gurr went the boiler and fritz fritz fritz went her heart as she looked across the table at his kind platypus face and he smiled back and gave her more silly drinks that made her feel silly. After silly dinner they had more silly drinks and then wanted to go ice skating! Oh how fun! But it was raining! So they could not go skating. Tinsley stood there saying over and over and over again “It’s raiiiining! It’s raiiinning!!” and platypus date smiled and patted her head and before she knew it they were saying hello with their mouths and it was a very nice first date. But the next morning silly had turned to sour and everything felt different and all Tinsmaley wanted to do was go look at pretty dresses in Paris and see her real boyfriend, Prince Cashmere. So that’s what she did! In Paris she met a singing star named Katemee Perry who was nice and she talked to that scary German Frankenstein robot with the clanking metal arms that calls itself Karl and then she finally met up with Cashmere. Everything was looking grand! Until everything looked terrible. Cashmere didn’t want to be filmed by the camera fairies in certain ways and he wanted to practice everything before they did it for real and Tinsley did not like this. It made her feel very sad and confused and a little bit dumb for thinking she could do a nice thing on the show for the nice people, like Momma and Dagnabbit and Alexandra (who cannot see it anymore, but she can hear it!), who watch it. But Cashmere was angry so he ruined the whole day and stomped off into the hotel and she was just standing there on the street by herself, lonely in Paris and sad all over again, a different new kind of sad, a French kind of sad. And she stood on the street corner until the sunlight was gone and the street lamps came bizzimp bizzimp bizzimping on and faraway she could see the Ethel Tower and its spinning white searchlight and she felt like that all of a sudden, like a great big white light that is turning and turning and turning, trying to find a way out of all of this dark.
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High Society: The Return to Monster Island [Recaps]
Posted in Celebrities, Hot Stuff
Tagged high society, hotel, paris, Pink, Reality Tv, smoking, society, white
Rapper says he’ll keep Young Money ‘afloat till he gets back.’ By Shaheem Reid Drake Photo: MTV News The pledge is on wax and MP3: On his new single “Over,” Drake raps, “Making sure the Young Money ship is never sinking.” Even though the head of his label, Lil Wayne, is in jail , Drake insisted there’s no way he’ll let the camp slip from its top spot. “I’m gonna do everything I told him I would do, what I said in the song: keep us afloat till he gets back,” Drake said on the set of his “Over” video . “You won’t even notice he’s gone. Promise.” Last week, Wayne was sentenced to a year in jail for a 2007 gun-possession charge, but Drake knows his leader will be OK. “Lil Wayne is a legend,” Drake said. “I could never classify Wayne as victim. He’s too strong to me. Wayne is who he wants to be. People don’t understand. It’s really not an act. Lil Wayne is a character you’ll rarely run across, probably for the existence of human beings. He is that guy. He is Lil Wayne for a reason. He’s a rock star, a visionary, a workaholic. He doesn’t function like anybody I know. He’s a rare breed. “I don’t think fame really has anything to do with his situation,” Drizzy continued. “We take precautions. All of us do. To be in the public eye and to be envied and have people who hate you and never have met you or have people who love you and tattoo your face on their body and never have met you, it’s an odd feeling for anybody. It’s a rush [for me]. I love it. It gets weird sometimes. So it’s just personal choices we all make. I never felt that threatened. I’m not sure what’s going through his head at the time. But Wayne has a reason for everything, always. I trust in Wayne. I believe in Wayne. He’s gonna be all right.” Will you miss Lil Wayne during his jail time? Do you think Drake will be able to hold down the Young Money fort? Let us know in the comments! Related Videos Extended Play: Drake Related Artists Drake Lil Wayne
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Drake Promises ‘You Won’t Even Notice’ Lil Wayne Is Gone
Siobhan Magnus, Crystal Bowersox shine, while the guys do their best to keep up during Rolling Stones week. By Eric Ditzian Didi Benami performs on “American Idol” on Tuesday Photo: FOX Epperly, Katelyn? Lambert, Alex? Scott, Lilly?! Oh, that’s right. We almost forgot. Those three promising “American Idol” students were expelled from the show last week. Let’s skip attendance and jump right into Tuesday night’s “Idol” report card. We have a feeling Siobhan Magnus and Crystal Bowersox will be graduating with honors, while Andrew Garcia and Paige Miles are in danger of flunking out. Let’s see how they all fared with Rolling Stones week. (And don’t miss Jim Cantiello’s recap of their performances in the MTV Newsroom.) Excellent Didi Benami : Her captivating rendition of “Play With Fire” makes it two straight weeks at the top of the class for this 23-year-old old soul. It was a gutsy choice to go all slow and brooding, and it paid off. Yet her future remains cloudy: Didi just couldn’t rise up to hit that final high note, and her lack of vocal power will become ever more evident when the field narrows. For now, though, we offer Benami a slew of gold stars and our assurance that she’ll stick around the competition for a while longer. Siobhan Magnus : Her take on “Paint It Black” was some sinister, “Alice in Wonderland”-infused glory. That’s not to say it didn’t have its fair share of problems, from those shrieky high notes to the fact that going so upbeat may not showcase her true strengths. But her vocal chops, combined with her charmingly goofy personality, have us certain Magnus is a serious contender. Crystal Bowersox : Close your eyes during Sox’s “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and you might have thought a ’70s-era Bonnie Raitt was up on the stage busting out some countrified power blues. Crystal can wail. From here on out, “Idol” season nine seems to be a competition between the ladies, with the guys doing their best to keep up. Good Lee Dewyze : We’re starting to remember why we thought he was a dark horse at the start of the live shows. There were flashes of John Mayer in his performance of “Beast of Burden.” Is he still a pedestrian musical talent? Can we find a Lee Dewyze in every corner bar in every city in America? Yes and yes. Taking into account this season’s overall talent, though, Dewyze really does have the potential to keep chugging along. Paige Miles : Would it be cruel to suggest Miles acquire a permanent case of laryngitis? Because belting out “Honky Tonk Woman” despite her illness was the best she’s sounded in weeks. We’d like to hear the same stuff in the future. Only problem is that she’s in serious danger of going home. Aaron Kelly : The tender “Angie” was the perfect choice for the season’s youngest contestant. And it really was his best performance of the live shows thus far, which is not saying much at all. The 16-year-old still should have been sent packing last month, but there’s clearly a dedicated Kelly fanbase out there — one that votes for him no matter what. Kelly will live to sing another week. ‘American Idol’ Season 9 Performances Satisfactory Michael Lynche : No one will ever fault Big Mike for his failure to communicate a confident stage presence. He commands the stage like no other contestant, and that’s no easy feat to pull off week after week. However! The promise of Tuesday’s soul-powered intro to “Miss You” failed to deliver when the band kicked in. And we’ll just pretend those odd little side kicks weren’t actually Mike’s idea of a dance routine. Casey James : What’s going on, Casey? We suggested you bring some country twang to this performance. You did bring a slide guitar-style honky tonk to “It’s All Over Now,” but left the gritty rock and roll the song required at your hotel room. We’re certain you and your over-moussed locks will be voted through to the next round, so when you get there, please revert back to the acoustic-guitar-and-stool set-up that worked so well during your take on Bryan Adams’ “Heaven.” Katie Stevens : “Wild Horses”? Why? Why?! It’s never a good thing when you don’t come out on the winning end of a comparison with Susan Boyle. Stevens may have thought she had no choice but to be old when performing a Rolling Stones tune, but did she have to channel a 40-something-year-old Scottish songstress? In all fairness, it was a vast improvement from the pitch-plagued performances of weeks’ past, and that pop quiz from Ryan Seacrest was deeply unfair. Truth be told, people love them some SuBo and some of that affection will certainly rub off on Katie. Expect her to continue to sneak through the competition. Tim Urban : The judges were downright angry that Urban would dare bring a reggae vibe to “Under My Thumb.” Funny thing is, while we’ve been railing against this kid for weeks, we didn’t totally hate this reworking. Sure, it was bizarre. So too was it some island-y fun. Mind you, Urban should have been booted from “Idol” long ago. But we applaud him for taking a risk and shall plop him right in the meaty part of our grading curve. Unsatisfactory Lacey Brown : Her stripped-down, string-backed reworking of “Ruby Tuesday” was brilliant in conception and flawed in execution. Lacey just didn’t seem to have the vocal fortitude to soar over the lovely instrumentation. Following her strongest performance to date (Brandi Carlile’s “The Story”), this week marked a step down for the 24-year-old Texan. Still, we’re betting her taped segment — with the revelation that she comes from a family of pastors and grew up singing in church — was endearing enough to curry favor with voters. She’ll be around next week. We’re just not sure she deserves to be. Andrew Garcia : It’s not that we’re mad, Andrew. We’re just disappointed. We’ve been hoping he’d somehow revert to the Hollywood Week form that made us believe he was a front-runner. But hoo boy! His Sting-like version of “Gimme Shelter,” with its clunky arrangement and his warbling middle register, has us ready to say goodbye. We love his story, his family, him. We’ve just been hurt too many times. Goodnight and good luck! Get your “Idol” fix on MTV News’ “American Idol” page , where you’ll find all the latest news, interviews and opinions. Related Videos ‘American Idol’ In 60 Seconds Related Photos ‘American Idol’ Top 12 Party ‘American Idol’ Season Nine Performances
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‘American Idol’ Report Card: How Did The Top 12 Do?
They say they’re just friends… And while it might be true, Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler certainly can’t blame us for thinking there’s something more going on. The Bounty Hunter co-stars couldn’t keep their hands off each other at the movie’s New York premiere cuddling and laughing while walking the red carpet. All we know is… We haven’t seen Jen this happy in a long time!
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Jen and Gerard Are Holding On Tight
Posted in Celebrities, Gossip
Tagged bennyhollywood, eva longoria, face, hang, hotel, Kristen Stewart, the-actress, walking-the-red
Well…we never thought we’d be saying it… But Kristen Stewart was spotted in NYC outside her hotel with a big ole’ grin on her face. The Twilight star, who has been all over town promoting The Runaways , has actually been flashing those pearly whites a lot lately. Maybe the actress is finally starting to get the hang of it all.
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Kristen Stewart Is All Smiles
Posted in Celebrities, Gossip
Tagged been-flashing, bennyhollywood, eva longoria, face, hang, Hollywood, hotel, Kristen Stewart, recent-stop, Robert Pattinson, Runaways, shelter, the-actress, were-spotted
Last night’s episode was all about people reaching out for one another. Unrequited lovers reaching for a warm body. Mothers reaching for sons. Daughters for fathers. Jenny for a sack of pills. Our story began this week with Jenny, a rebellious little pixie who will not follow the sacred rules of the faerie kingdom, even though mean old Queen Mab is angry at her. All Jenny wants to do is hang out with the kid from Air Bud . If you had the opportunity to hang out with the kid from Air Bud , I’m pretty sure that’s all you’d want to do too. And deal drugs. You’d want to sell pills as well. So that’s what Jenny is doing by way of revolt. She never goes to school anymore, nobody goes to school anymore on this show. Maybe they will later, when it is convenient, but for now Jenny is stuck in the house, frowning brattily at her Rufus and his Lily, and frowning sexily at her kid from Air Bud . Rufus doesn’t want Josh Framm seeing young Jennifrica anymore, because he suspects they might be creating sex together, which is something he is not comfortable with. (You know what I am not comfortable with? The fact that Matthew Settle was so good and creepy and, like, doing something real on Band of Brothers and is now stuck doing this. Acting is so depressing.) Lily also doesn’t want Framm to framm his way into Jennji’s undergarments, because she’s trying to be a good parent to Rufus’ daughter so he will forgive her for kissing her ex-husband over summer break. What tangled webs we weave! For now, though, no one is forgiving anyone. A whole hullabaloo happened with Framm and his drugz. Basically Rufus was all “Young lady you are far too young to be framming, so you are moving to Brooklyn with me, and I don’t care if Dan is upset because he’s been living there alone and framming himself into a giddy stupor in peace for months now. It’s back across the river!” and Jenny was all “Noooo” and for some reason decided a good way to not get gulag’d to Bklyn was to… show her dad her big sack of pills. I didn’t exactly get that reasoning, did you? I don’t really get any of Jenny’s motivations right now. Alls I know is that I increasingly despise Taylor Momsen and all her trying-to-act ways. Framm her! In the end, Jenny sneaked out of the house and met up with Framm and they mouth-frammed right there on the sidewalk and next week it looks like they really will produce boning together, which is a milestone for all of us — when our least-favorite fictional sixteen year olds finally do boffing, it is a landmark occasion in life. For their part, Rufus and Lily are screwed. Lily kinda found out that Rufus has frammed that lady from downstairs, and now who knows. She could be getting divorce number six. Meanwhile Lily’s real daughter was doing a lot of framming herself. Serena and Nate are still in mush-mouthed love together, and mostly all they do is bump uglies while Serena sings “A ring ding dong, a ring a ding ding ding dong…” loudly and joyously. It’s pretty gross! This week there was a delicately choreographed foodsex montage, brought to you by episode director Andrew “Cobweb Mouth” McCarthy himself. (Who, remember, got cast on that planned GG spinoff that never happened. Maybe this was his consolation prize?) It was a really beautiful scene of lovemaking. First Serena got the strawberries, blessedly smaller ones than last time . Then there was whipped cream, then caramel. Then Nate got out the mandoline and shaved some thin radish slices over Serena’s body. She laughed and moaned “Oooooo sookie sookie now.” She then opened the fridge and got out the hummus and smeared it across his chest. “Allahu akbar,” Nate purred. In turn he rubbed some leftover lasagna onto her quivering body. She got out the combination mustard/relish condiment tube and squirted it all over his face. He rubbed red bliss potatoes between various crevices. She covered him in a thin veneer of goose liver pate. He massaged her with a gloopy handful of seafood salad. She cracked an egg with her butt cheeks. He made scrapple on her stomach. She playfully stuffed his mouth full of tête de veau, bits dribbling down his chin. Finally they finished, in a great and heaving sloppy heap of mayonnaise and marmalade. “That was fun,” Serena burbled, Gogurt sluicing out of her mouth. “It was,” agreed Nate, his beautiful face covered in clam chowder. So that was a gross scene, and I don’t know who Gossip Girl thought that was going to be sexy for. Is food sexy for anyone? Eugh. When they were done they heard Blair making fake sex noises and there was a whole weird joke about that but mostly it was a setup scene so we could find out that Chuck is still hiding something from Blair. Mostly he is hiding that he is still tracking down Mother Bass. Ohhhh big plotline! Teenaged boy sits glowering in suits while a prim lady does various things in hotel lobbies. That woman is always doing things in hotel lobbies. Whenever Chuck spots her, she’s always just there, doing things. In hotel lobbies. Anyway, with Serena’s nosy help (nosy or freighted with meaning ?) Chuck and Mother finally sat down to speak, but he rebuked her advances and gave her money so she would go the hell away. And she listened, sort of. Later on Serena went to talk to her. This woman only does two things. She does stuff in hotel lobbies, and she talks to teenagers. Most of the time she’s actually talking to teenagers in hotel lobbies, which I guess seems slightly less weird than talking to teenagers in your hotel room. It’s still weird though. See, Serena wanted Chuck to reunite with Mother Bass because of her own bad dad, an abandoner who abaondoned her many moons ago. The strangely-accented Mother Bass represented that abandonment to Serena. If Ma Catfish could explain why she left Chuck, maybe someday Serena would understand her dad’s reasoning. It’s perfectly sound logic, except that they are two entirely different people with completely different stories, but never mind. So there it was, after all that build-up. We were going to find out why this lady left Baby Bass with his cruel, cruel daddy. What was the nefarious reason? Oh, she was young and couldn’t handle a kid. That was it. Not that she’s a fugitive spy or exotic animal smuggler or actually a man or anything. She was just 19 and like couldn’t deal . Sigh. Gossip Girl , why do you always set us up just to knock us down? Anyway, after talking to this complete stranger of a blonde teenager, M. Bass decided to stay and wait for Chuck to come to her and of course he did and they got to chatting and she’s gonna stick around. It was nice to see Chuck smile again and please please please, dear writers, please tell us that this is that last we’ll see of Sad Chuck for a long time. I am so sick of sad moody Chuck, and I’m sure Ed Westlywickens is too. Give us happy, scheming Chuck! Drunken, clowning Chuck! Terrified, ski jumping Chuck! Any kind of Chuck but Sad, Moping Chuck. He is no fun. Also no fun is Serena, who was back at one of the dimly-lit places where these people live, having a heart to heart with the Nate robot. It stroked her head stiffly and said “What is your emotional malfunction, earth child?” Serena whimpered and told him about her dad. The robot said “There there. There there. Would you like me to put some egg salad in your cu—” and then Serena jumped up and said “That’s it!” She grabbed the phone and called her father. She left a message saying that she was done looking for him. That was it. No more, no more. Or is there? In case you don’t live under this rock where people who watch Gossip Girl live, Billy Baldwin is popping by for a few episodes this season to play Serena’s dad. So, expect more boring things with that! Speaking of boring things, Dan & Vanessa. Oh god, Dan & Vanessa. They’ve been doing the San Francisco Sidestep around each other for weeks now, and finally things came to a head (and, likely, head) last night. There was some sort of party, of course. Vanessa’s floor or dorm or group of pretend friends or something were having a South Beach , Miami party that involved, because these things are so totally South Beach, leis and Hawaiian-print skirts and shirts. (Was it just painfully accurate art direction of what a poorly-themed college student’s party would look like? Perhaps, but probably not.) Vanessa pretended that she was going with her gay theater boyfriend, and Dan found a random girl named Melissa to come with him. How he pulled that one off I will never know. “Hello, my name is Dan Humphrey and I am a walking, talking pile of chins. Would you escort me to this year’s annual Florida-Hawaii Ball?” “Suuuuuuure. I’m Melissa.” “Oh, I know. Oh I know .” “You have the cutest maniacal laugh.” At the party everyone was doing the traditional South Beach hula dance and eating poi, and things between Vanessa and Dan were awkward, mostly because he was wearing a chest hair-baring black wife beater and she was dressed up like Grok, the Cavewoman of Oahu. They “drank mojitos” and got “drunk,” though they acted exactly the same as they had before drinking mojitos, because they are both terrible actors who were, I suppose, terribly directed. Shame on you, Blaine! Eventually they got stuck behind one of those cut-out face picture taking things and some other thing and, as anyone does when caught between one of those carnival cut-out things and some other thing, they furiously smashed their faces together and Dan’s ukulele turned into a guitar and everything was just so awkward. Eventually Theatergay and Melissa figured out what was going on and were like “Ohhh noooo you didn’t. Aloha, South Beach. Aloha.” Dan and V. had about sixteen more conversations about whether or not they should get together, all of which made absolutely no sense, but it doesn’t matter because now they are together. Yes, they frammed each other long and hard, and then made jokes about “elbow incidents” and other gross things that shouldn’t exist. There was some grim foreshadowing as Dan lustily eyed the refrigerator and Vanessa stared at some margarine sitting in a tub on the counter. The Lion King ahhhh seee whenn yaaaaa mamadeetseeabah (is that how you spell mamadeetseeabah?) music began and the camera blessedly turned off. So everyone was together and in love, except for poor Erik. At the very end of the episode, we saw lonely Erik walking through Central Park holding a little red balloon. He was thinking of other places, other climes, other lives entirely. He wanted to go somewhere warm and blue, somewhere with crystal seas and spiky palms. He wanted to go to the islands of South Beach, but he wasn’t sure if he could stand such a long flight. He ended up at Vanessa’s dorm instead, standing amidst the party feeling kind of miserable, until a young man with dark tanned skin sauntered up to him and said, “Aloha. Surf’s up?” Erik grinned his shy little grin. “Sure is, he said. Sure is.” So that’s that! A happy ending for Erik. Now Brian, why don’t you tell us where everyone stands, Power Rankings-wise, after this episode. Thank you, Richard. Here is this week’s tally: Dorota : Power Play : Even though she was off on important espionage business, she still makes her boyfriend Vanya tell Lily that Rufus is dogging around on her: +3 Total : 3 Season to Date : 51 Power Position : Even Blair : Fashion Points : Louis Vuitton metallic booties? We likey!: +1, Gorgeous chunky yellow necklace: +1 Sexual Intrigue : Is only pretending to have sex with Chuch: -2, Finally, Chuck is back in her bed: +1 Social Schemes : Gets totally outplayed by stupid Serena in the “should Chuck talk to his mom” debate: -1, Gets proven wrong by Serena when Chuck starts enjoying talking to his mother: -1 WTF : Smart enough to have Chuck’s couch scotch guarded now that Serena is dating his roommate: +1 Total : -1 Season to Date : 34 Power Position : Down Chuck : Fashion Points : Wore suits to kindergarten: +1, His black Chinese pajamas make him look like the world’s sexiest mandarin: +1 Personality Flaw : Knows Blair only apologizes to get something she wants: +1, Is the only one who thinks he doesn’t need a mommy: -1 Sexual Intrigue : He has Blair so whipped it’s not even funny: +1 Social Schemes : Breaks into his mother’s room and steals her locket: +2, Gets tricked by Serena into talking to his mom: -2, Blows it big time by offering her a check: -1, Finally relents and talks to mommy: +1, And he’s glad that he did: +2 Total : 4 Season to Date : 31 Power Position : Up Rufus : Power Play : Finally steps up as the father to the most unruly teenager on Earth: +2, Tells Lily that she didn’t raise Serena right. Oh, snap!: +1, He’s so right: +1, Falls for Damien’s sad little rich drug dealer fable: -2, Still stands firm with Jenny: +1 Sexual Intrigue : Running away from his problems with Lily, his meal ticket: -1, Lily knows he was hanging with the sexy downstairs neighbor: -1, She is informed by the help: -1 WTF : Seriously, how long is it going to take this man to figure out he just needs to buy his daughter a leash: -1 Total : -7 Season to Date : 0 Power Position : Down Nate : Personality Flaw : Sorry, Nate. Waffles are Rufus’ department: -1 Sexual Intrigue : He is now dating Serena, which is like letting a homeless man into an all-you-can-eat buffet. In this case, literally: +2, Serena broke his dresser: -1, Oh…She did it during sex: +2 Social Schemes : Is a horrible liar: -2, Is basically Chuck’s errand boy: -1, If you have to be someone’s errand boy…: +1 WTF : Even when he has a storyline he has absolutely nothing to do: -1 Total : -1 Season to Date : -1 Power Position : Up Jenny : Power Play : Is sent back to Brooklyn: -1, Still totally at the whims of her evil stepmother and her negligent father: -1 Sexual Intrigue : Suddenly her drug dealer is her boyfriend: -1, Doesn’t know what statutory rape means: -2, Gets caught by Lily: -1, Taller than her man: no points, just an observation, She is lucky that man is smart and devious: +2 Social Schemes : Jenny, you stupid fucking bitch. You threw the pills on the floor. You threw the pills on the floor in front of your father and step mother. Did you think something good was going to come out of this? This is the most idiotic thing you have ever done: -5, Doesn’t think that getting caught with enough pills to kill a room full of hipsters is that big of a deal: -2, She runs away: -1, For the second time ! Has she already forgotten the last time when she was sleeping under a bridge hugging her sewing machine for warmth?: -2 Total : -14 Season to Date : -6 Power Position : Down Vanessa : Fashion Points : Of course the first thing we see her in is some Mama Cass caftan that looks like it has vomit on it: -1, The lady dreads aren’t that bad:+2, Her “costume” for the beach party is something that she would wear on the street on a Tuesday: -1 Power Play : She would be smart to latch onto Dan. He is the best she’s ever going to do: +2, Says she wants to take it slow. God, what is wrong with this girl?: -2 Sexual Intrigue : Turns down Dan: +1, She met her boyfriend at a cabaret and he is wearing a neon neckerchief. Does she not have any gaydar at all?: -1, The gay dumps her: -1, Finally lands her Dan: +1, When they’re doing it wishes Olivia was there, because she’s not enough: -1, On the other hand, we like kinky: +3 WTF : She has now had sex with every male character on this show other than the dad and the gay kid. And we thought Serena was a skank: -2 Just for being back: -1 Total : -1 Season to Date : -11 Power Position : Up Dan : Fashion Points : Manguns!: +2 Power Play : Has to lie to Vanessa about having a girlfriend: -1 Sexual Intrigue : Turns down a hot bimbo: -1, Vanessa is dissing him for an obvious gay: -1, Wants to do it with Vanessa: -1, Gets dumped by a skank: -2, Has to work really hard to get laid. With Vanessa !: -2, At least he’s getting some: +1, Get’s an A- in the sack: +1, His girlfriend wants more threeways: +2 Total : -2 Season to Date : -23 Power Position : Up Lily : Personality Flaw : Has absolutely no defense when Rufus calls her a bad mother: -2, Speaking of which, why is she so concerned about her slutty stepdaughter when she has a sad, lonely, suicidal gay kid of her own?: -2, And has she forgotten about her own slutty daughter completely?: -2, OK, now she has resolved herself to be a good mother: +1 Power Play : Knows Jenny is a teenage slut because, well, we saw the flashback episode: +2, Has very loyal servants: +1 Sexual Intrigue : Ooooh, she knows that Rufus is getting some on the side: +2 WTF : If she had known about that giant bag of pills in her house, she would have eaten them all: -1, Jenny steals her prescription: -1 Total : -2 Season to Date : -29 Power Position : Up Serena : Fashion Points : Even makes a man’s shirt slutty: -1, The low-cut grey top and blue leggings. Nip slip and camel toe all in one: -1 Personality Flaw : Hasn’t eaten bread since middle school: +1 (for dedication), Major daddy issues: -2 Power Play : Actually gives Chuck some sound advice about talking to his mother: +2, Calls up her daddy and tells him she’s over him: +3, We know daddy is going to come and fuck with her head: -1 Sexual Intrigue : She can not be awake for five minutes without fucking something: -2 Social Schemes : Arranges lunch so that Chuck can meet his mother: +2, Chuck is mad at her and he is not an enemy you want: -1, She can’t leave Chuck’s mom alone: -1, It turns out that she gives Chuck’s mom some great advice: +2, Chuck and his mom get together and all is well, just like she said: +2 Total : 3 Season to Date : -32 Power Position : Up
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Gossip Girl: The Food of Love [Recaps]
A red-suited Lady GaGa kitted out in virtual reality garb (complete with shoulder mounted camera) arrives back at her hotel, after her first night performing at the O2 Arena for the Monster Ball Tour. (Pacific Coast News) more pics Continue reading
We spotted Eva Longoria out celebrating her 35th birthday with lunch at the W Hotel in Miami. The actress, who dined with celeb pals including Kim Kardashian and Robin Antin , flashed a playful peace sign. Way to stay young at heart!
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Happy Birthday Eva Longoria!
Posted in Celebrities, Gossip
Tagged 35th, birthday, eva longoria, eva longoria parker, her-35th, hotel, kardashian, longoria, playful-peace, TMZ
Tinsley Mortimer ‘s bargain-basement CW reality show premiered last night! Boy was it an ugly mess. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t really tell if shows like this are actually entertaining or not. I just watch them and gurgle. Not a whole hell of a lot happened in the episode. I mean, a girl was blinded with a gin and tonic and Tinsley cried a whole ocean of tears, but I think that’s pretty par for the course for rich, upscale socialite folks. Maybe we should just do an introduction to all of the characters so you can get the lay of the land, eh? OK. Paul Johnson Calderon Paul Johnson Calderon is a gay cricket that lives in Times Square . No, actually, he lives with his mom and is always begging her for money from his trust fund. In this episode he needed $25,000 so he could move out and get his own place and eventually have a family , that’s all he wants, a family . His mom wearily sighed and said “You just spent $200,000…” But PJC doesn’t give a flying eff. He demonstrated this attitude by saying “I do what I want!” while limply throwing a diet soda can out a limousine window. This girl is indepen dent . Now where’s that $25K? PJC is friends with a person named Malik So Chic, who is basically a gay, bald, bespectacled Li’l Jinx. The two of them have wild adventures in the big city that include throwing drinks at their enemies. Yes, PJC has this enemy named Jules Kirby who he really hates. The two of them ran into each other at an AIDS benefit, which is always the time and place to fight about stupid petty personal problems. That really shows that you care about the AIDS. Anyway, at the AIDS afterparty, the two got in a squabble and PJC accused Jules of burning down a country house and then he threw a drink in her general direction that ended up in a mutual friend’s eye and the poor girl shrieked and shrieked and shrieked and her eye fizzed and sizzled and now she wears an eyepatch, skittering around the darkened Upper East Side streets in the still of the night, planning her revenge. It will come in the season finale, one hopes. Jules Kirby A gay-bashing racist who hates Jewish people, Jules is your typical near-feral New York party girl. She’s got exhausted, oily features and a fried expanse of brassy blonde hair and drinks a lot. In her little intro package last night she told the camera that she doesn’t hang out with “homosexuals” or Jewish people and as far as race goes, she thinks it’s OK to say the n-word and, anyway, she only likes white guys. So, sorry to that line of black would-be suitors waiting anxiously with roses in their hands, wanting so desperately to date this 44-year-old Jessica Helms. Jules is unfortunately no into you. Go on now, scatter. Go back to where you came from. You know, Poortowne. Negro’s Corners. The Upper West Side. Wherever. It’s just not going to happen. Anyway, Jules had a charming scene last night where she was yelling at the staff of the hotel where she’s living. She lives with Tinsley’s sister Dabney and they’re sort of between apartments right now (Jules works, but is cut off from her wealthy parents’ money supply) so they’re staying at the Empire Hotel and something was wrong with the room. So Jules called down and did a lot of yelling and insulting and totally embarrassed everyone, saying things about the recession and throwing the phone across the room in disgust when asked to apologize. Later on her friend got blinded by a drink meant for her and you really wish it had been her, writhing and screaming in pain, clutching her eye socket, like the wretched Elle Driver in Kill Bill . The real problem with Jules is that she’s sooo isolated and spoiled and fattened by money that she doesn’t even know what she’s saying. She’s never suffered a real consequence, not once, so she just blabs her mouth wondering when someone will stop her. At this point, I mean she’s 52 years old, I don’t think anyone will. Dabney Mercer Dabney didn’t do much this episode other than stare in horrified resignation as Jules murdered a hotel employee with her bare hands. Once Dabney had cleaned up all the blood, they put on their nice clothes and went out to the big AIDS party. There Jules made jokes about PJC having AIDS, y’know because he’s a homosexual, and Dabney kind of smiled as if it was an acceptable joke to make. Jules grunted, pleased with her little joke, and swilled back a drink and broke the empty glass over a waitress’s head and then, when the poor woman was moaning in pain on the floor, Jules kicked her in the stomach and said “Umm… can I have another drink puhleeeze?” And Dabney just stood there and fiddled her fingers over her lips, back and forth really fast, making a funny humming noise. Later, when they got back home, Jules had her way with Dabney and when the littlest Mercer woke up the next morning, shivering on the coffee table, still wearing one shoe, she wondered where she took the wrong turn. What a life! Dale Mercer Dale is the old lady whose vagina Tinsley fell out of and now the woman is trying to rule Tinz’s life and it is very unfair. Dale is all buttoned up and refahhyyned . She’s a Southrun lady who somehow ended up on the Upper Jewish Side and that’s all she can abide of this filthy city. When discussing Tinsley’s new post-divorce apartment, a sprawling loft in midtown, Dale referred to it as “the Midtown.” As if to sound so removed and faraway. “Oh I don’t know. They tell me there’s a Midtown, but I’ve never been to the Midtown. Why would I want to live in the middle of town?” Other than real estate snobbery, Dale’s other beef with the Tinz’s current state of being is that she doesn’t like this whole divorce thing. Topper Mortimer was a perfect young husband — from money, works in finance, is white and American, is named Topper. And now Tinsley is dating some sleazy Euro, a German prince!, and Dale thinks she just might faint and die. First it’s a German, then it’s a Jew! That’s how these things work. And living in the Midtown in some sort of one-room apartment with no furniture. Just dreadful. Dale Mercer didn’t scrape her way out of a two-bit trailer field near Gulfport for this. No siree Bob. Didn’t sleep with John V. Lindsay, twice, for this. You can bet your biscuits that Tinsley will be out of this shithole in the Midtown and back with strapping young Topper by year’s end if Dale Tatum Mercer has anythin’ to say about it. Tinsley Mortimer Tinsley, obviously, is our hero. Her life is a pretty fabulous stream of party dresses and sad dibborces that leave her crying on her big plastic bed as the movers take her furniture from the old Married apartment, wishing wishing wishing that she could go back to when she was a little girl and things weren’t quite so scary and big and pointy and difficult. Or at least back to a couple of falls ago, when she was still married to the Mr. Top Hat and she lived in the big pretty house near the green, green park. Now she’s just stuck by her lonely old self in this big echo-y room in a strange part of town and she has no idea where she is. A man on the street said that it was the Diamond Towne and another one said that she was in Korea so she doesn’t know. Things are so hard. All dusty and noisy and full of Jules attacks. Sometimes Tinsley thinks that she can hear Jules rustling around in her closet, muttering wicked things and scritch-scratching on the door, trying to get out. Tinsley pulls the covers up to her chin and says prayers, Hail Guadalupes, over and over and over again. Guadalupe was Tinsley’s trusty maid and best friend and confidant and one-time emergency dentist who was from Farawayland and had to go back there because her stupid old daughter had a baby and Guadalupe wanted to help her out. Guadalupe used to make little meat pocket snacks and hum Faraway songs and fluff pillows and open the shades when there was sun and close them when there was too much. Tinsley supposes that last thing doesn’t really matter anymore, because all the sun in the whole wide world is gone now, and she’s just lying on a plastic bed and sobbing, carried away by the mover men, a new Day of the Trucks, rumbling away back to the Midtown, with the dresser and the chairs and the long hallway mirror. Oh Topper. Oh bottom. Tomorrow Tinsley will put on a new dress and a big bow and smear a smile on her face and go outside and be happy, look happy, but for now there is only crying on the plastic bed, only the rumble of the truck as it carries her away from the halls and the little creaks and the once-warm rooms where she used to live. And that was the show!
Posted in Celebrities, Hot Stuff
Tagged Coffee, dabney mercer, furniture, green, hero, high society, hotel, jules, korea, midtown, socialites, time
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