Tag Archives: party

Tony Blair expresses despair in aftermath of Iraq War

Tony Blair descended into such a deep depression after the Iraq war that he told Gordon Brown and John Prescott he would quit No 10 the following summer – only to renege on the pledge within months, a new book by the Observer's Andrew Rawnsley reveals. The former prime minister's physical and mental decline was so profound that he confided to friends that he “spaced out” several times during Prime Minister's Questions and often woke up in the middle of the night with sweat trickling down the back of his neck. Rawnsley's explosive account is in The End of the Party, which is published on Monday , extracts from which appear in tomorrow's Observer. It lays bare, for the first time, how Blair was haunted and tormented by the deepening chaos and bloodshed in Iraq at the same time as being worn down by the constant psychological warfare being waged by Brown, his next-door neighbour in Downing Street, who was increasingly desperate to take his job. While Blair's gift for presentation helped him hide his depression from the public and most of his staff, his private turmoil was so severe that he decided there was nothing for it but to hand over to Brown midway through his second term. Rawnsley is the first journalist to detail how Blair, in those darkest days, made clear at a dinner with both Brown and Prescott in November 2003, and later in a telephone call to Prescott in spring 2004, that he would step down. http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2010/feb/27/andrew-rawnsley-tony-blair-iraq added by: jeffissleeping

Waka Flocka Flame: ‘I’m Not Into Being Lyrical’

‘I know words — I’m just trying to get crunk,’ MC says. By Shaheem Reid Waka Flocka Flame Photo: MTV News Waka Flocka Flame knows how to ignite controversy. He recently called up to DJ Whoo Kid’s radio and gave his take on microphone wordplay. “I don’t got no lyrics,” Flocka told Whoo Kid and the DJ’s special guest co-host, the staff of XXL magazine. “The n—as who they say is lyrical, they ain’t got no shows … that ain’t finnin’ to get you no money.” Flocka, who has nearly recovered from a robbery in which he was shot last month, stopped by the MTV News offices Tuesday (February 22) and clarified his statements. “They twist that around … I just said personally, me, I’m not into being lyrical,” Waka explained. “I read all the time. I know words. I’m just trying to get crunk. I’m not trying to be off the dome, do a million words in five minutes — I’m not into that. If I’m getting crunk, I’ll start your party. If you got the lyrics, that’s cool. I’m not blocking your party. People say, ‘Go listen to such and such. Get some knowledge.’ I’m like, ‘You wasn’t even born when that person was rocking.’ That’s how it goes. I like lyrical people. You gotta like other music — but me personally, I’m not into that.” “He’s bringing a very na

Lindsay Lohan’s Not Showing Off her Tits of the Day

The best thing about Lindsay Lohan is not the drama, it’s not the party girl, it’s not the fact that she fucks girls or the fact that she’s fucked a lot of boys…it’s not the fact that she’s rich, or fun, or crazy or a teenage sexual fantasy from 6 years ago or that she’s good at getting high and it’s not the fact that I want to fuck her mother and her sister at the same time on video to send to her asshole dad to make him mad….it’s her tits, and for some reason, she hasn’t been showing them off recently and that upsets me, so I reached out to her people and told them to get her showing off more tit because her tits are fucking perfect and they didn’t listen to me, probably because they don’t know I exist, they just ignored me and this is what they gave me without realizing they gave it to me because they don’t know I even exist, and sure it’s still Lohan, she’s still my fucking favorite, but I need to see these nipples now that they are older, wiser and more experienced since I can’t have them in my mouth… So here she is leaving a club lookin’ wasted, just not as wasted as I normally like my pussy leaving a bar, but this is Lohan and that means she’s always good enough for me…..even if everyone else thinks she’s gone to shit…. Pics via PacificCoastNews

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Lindsay Lohan’s Not Showing Off her Tits of the Day

Kim Zolciak Is on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’?

Filed under: We’re Just Sayin’ , Party All The Time Here’s “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” star turned “Tardy for the Party” singing sensation Kim Zolciak at a gay bar in NYC last year (left) — and “RuPaul’s Drag Race” Season Two contestant Pandora Boxx (right).Both are known for wearing synthetic … Permalink

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Kim Zolciak Is on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’?

Ke$ha Plays Secret London Show

Fans showed up dressed as animals for the ‘Tik Tok’ singer’s short club set. By Jocelyn Vena Ke$ha leaves London’s Bathhouse Bar on Monday Photo: Splash News Online Ke$ha donned her best zebra-print catsuit and hit the stage in London for a “secret” MySpace show on Monday night. The singer played a six-song set that included glitter cannons and dancing transvestites, according to reports. Ke$ha At Bathhouse Bar The blog WeArePopSlags.com reported that many fans dressed in their best animal-print garb, an homage to Ke$ha’s debut album, Animal, as they partied at the Bathhouse, where the pop princess performed “Backstabber, “Party at a Rich Dude’s House,” “Dinosaur,” ” F— Him (He’s a DJ)” and her singles, “Blah Blah Blah” and “Tik Tok.” In the days leading up to the show, a message was posted on her MySpace page about the show and its wild dress code: “To really set off the party, Ke$ha would like you to release your inner beast. Come as an animal. Ke$ha will be looking for her favourite outfit of the night, so go wild.” Before she took the stage, Ke$ha tweeted about her excitement for the show. “I love London,” she wrote. “All. The. Animals. Ready. To. Dance?” Apparently, many fans were turned away from the show, and Ke$ha later apologized, “I’m so sorry 4 any of my fans that tried to come to the show and didn’t get in last night. I begged the fire marshal to let me play 2 shows but they wouldn’t. Thank u for coming, and I will make it up to you I swear I love u guys and would never ever want u to have to stand in the cold.” With her MySpace show behind her, fans can look forward to a new video from the singer. Ke$ha recently shot a video for “Blah Blah Blah” with her pals and song collaborators 3Oh!3. “The whole concept of the video was a bunch of douche-y guys macking on me as usual, and me making them eat their toupees or other various items,” she told MTV News at the shoot. “At one point, I get to be strapped to this harness and bouncing around everywhere, and it was really cool.” Related Photos Ke$ha Leaves Bathhouse Bar In London Related Artists Ke$ha

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Ke$ha Plays Secret London Show

A Tale of Two Babies by Sarah Palin.

(Keep checking back throughout the day for updates.) “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times…” For Sarah Palin back in March of 2008, this was especially true. She was right in the middle of trying to convince the people of Alaska that, despite all appearances, she was indeed pregnant with her fifth child, after surprising even her own staff with the news on March 6th. (Though at first she did not seem to put a lot of effort into convincing people as you can see from this photograph taken on March 29th, at the Spouses’ Luncheon. This is a scant twenty short days prior to Trig’s “birth.” You will notice that she’s wearing what appears to be a raincoat inside of her own house. And there’s nothing under those hands but a black scarf.) Obviously as she got closer to her due date she would have to put a little more effort into the deception. Perhaps a little padding would help. There, that’s much better. (The above picture was taken at the end of the legislative session in Juneau, on April 13, five days before Sarah supposedly gave birth, and only fifteen days after the picture from the Spouses’ Luncheon was taken.) The next twist in our storyline was Sarah’s trip to give a speech at the Republican Governor’s conference in Texas on April 18th. What really happened there? No one knows. But what is known for certain is that Sarah left the conference abruptly in the early afternoon of April 17th and came back to Alaska, a ten plus hour trip involving two four hour flights and a layover in Seattle. (Not only did this decision seem abrupt, but even Sarah’s security staff was not contacted and did not know she was arriving to have a baby until after the birth.)What is also known for certain is that no one has ever come forward to say that they noticed anything special or different about the Gov during this trip. In fact, she was seen reading a book in the lounge during the layover in Seattle. Whatever the truth, by noon on April 18th the Governor’s office had announced that at approximately 6:30 that morning Sarah Palin had given birth to a son. So now Sarah did not have to wear that cumbersome belly anymore and she could enjoy the warmth of spring in her shorts and sweatshirt. See how much more comfortable Governor Palin looks only a few days after she had that baby? And look at that beautiful baby boy! Let’s see if we can’t get a a better quality picture of that precious child shall we? (Below is a screenshot from, Palin best friend, Kristan Cole’s website which shows photos that Cole posted of a baby shower she hosted for Sarah Palin on a weekend in May, either the 3rd or 4th, I believe. A photo, not included here, but obviously from the same day was later provided to OK Magazine of Sarah and her newborn.) And here is the OK magazine shot, and its doppelganger from the baby shower. Now from that same baby shower we have this much more detailed picture of the child known as Trig Palin. (Please note that I have chosen not to show the face or release the name of the young girl holding “Trig” as she was a minor when these photos were taken.) He IS just adorable isn’t he? But wait a minute. Is there something a bit odd about this picture? Take a close look at this baby’s ear. Do you see that? Perhaps a closer view might help. According to one of the physicians I talked to that is a malformation of the helix. In this case, it’s noticeable and distinctive. And, although not as clear, in another picture taken at the same event, this time of the baby’s left ear, a similar malformation is possibly visible. Ear defects are often “bilateral” which means on both sides. Isn’t that odd? I don’t remember the Trig Palin who was photographed so many times on the campaign trail having that particular malformation. Oh that is because he didn’t. In fact it appears that Trig Palin has two absolutely perfect little ears. As you can plainly see in this photo of his left ear. Yet as you can see in this side by side comparison, it is crystal clear that the ear on the infant Trig does NOT match the ear on the older Trig. I showed the baby shower picture to a number of medical professionals, including an Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist, a physician, an audiologist who specializes in children’s hearing issues, and a pediatrician (None of them knew they were looking at a picture of Sarah Palin’s child). Each agreed the ear is visibly malformed. I asked them if this defect could “heal” or disappear on its own. “Of course not”, they each replied. I then showed them pictures of Trig Palin’s ear from the campaign. Again, none knew they were looking at a photograph of Sarah Palin’s son. I asked all if it could possibly be the same child, four to five months later. The answer: “No.” Furthermore I learned that to correct conditions like this surgery is required, and that these surgeries are never performed before the age of four. And even if someone could have been located to perform plastic surgery on a child so young, the result would not be the “perfection” that Trig’s ear shows. Some scarring would still be visible. We have countless high-definition photos of Trig Palin’s head. Nothing of the sort can be seen in any of them. “So in other words” I asked. “You are saying that the child in the baby shower pictures must still have that same ear malformation today?’ Each of them answered in the affirmative. In fact here is a direct quote from one medical professional: “There is an approximately zero percent probability that these two sets of ears belong to the same infant.” So what does all of this mean? If that baby’s ear could not have healed on its own, then how can the Trig we see today have two perfectly formed ears? The answer is simple and shocking. Sarah presented an entirely different child to the world as Trig Palin on August 30, 2008. Just a fluke, you say? A trick of the camera? A shadow? Well, there’s more. She did not just do it once. Look again at this picture of Mercede holding this mystery baby in Sarah Palin’s kitchen, taken on a different day with a different camera. Look closely at that ear. Do you see it? It was there all along. This picture was taken the week right after Sarah “gave birth”. Here is another one. This time of Levi holding the child identified as the Governor’s son. (Seen for the first time on the Tyra Banks Show) (For those who wanted confirmation of the day these pictures of Levi and Mercede, with “ruffled ear” baby were taken I just learned that it was on May 3rd, Levi’s birthday. You can see his cake in the background in the picture above.) Do you see the ear? Again, although it’s not as clear, the ear of the baby in these photos has the same “ragged” pitted appearance. And you can see it in every shot taken that day. As most of you know I have been absolutely convinced that Sarah Palin did NOT give birth to a baby on April 18th, 2008. But what has come as a huge surprise was that on two separate occasions, she presented a newborn baby to two separate groups of people as Trig Palin her newborn son with Down syndrome. (She did it once in her own kitchen while presenting him to the Johnston family, and again at a baby shower given in her honor.) As you can plainly see THIS baby has a distinctive malformation of his ear. However the baby that was introduced to the nation only four months later does NOT have any malformation of his ear whatsoever. In fact, though today’s Trig has many of the characteristics of a Down syndrome child, he also possesses two perfectly shaped ears. As Andrea Friedman pointed out so eloquently: “My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes”.” Perhaps with this new evidence we can understand, now more than ever, why Sarah treats this child like a prop. Because that is EXACTLY what he is. It is well past time that the “lame stream media”, to use Sarah’s very own phraseology, start to ask the really hard questions about Sarah Palin’s pregnancy. When the questions first arose the Alaska media failed to do so. When they resurfaced five months later the McCain campaign failed to do so. And in all of this time since the world discovered Sarah Palin the national media has also failed to do so. It was left up to a rag tag group of bloggers to stay with the story until some real evidence could be produced. Well we have done our part, will the rest of the media do theirs? There are still so many questions left to answer. Who is the baby’s real mother? Who helped Sarah pull off this deception? Who else in her family knew about this? Exactly why did she feel the need to lie about her pregnancy? I am still conducting interviews and digging for those answers, but it would be ever so helpful if reporters with expense accounts and the support a national publication or television network would lend a hand. (By the way I encourage EVERYBODY to download pictures off of this post, and take screenshots of the blog. There is a very good chance that this will cause a tsunami of anger directed at me and the Immoral Minority. I have already saved it as a pdf file and I have many friends who have done the same. But just to be triple sure it would be nice to know the content is safe on friendly computer hard drives all across the world.) Update: Speaking of a “rag tag group of bloggers” my friend Bree Palin is on the case as well. Update 2: Palin’s Q & A joins the party ! Update 3: I notice that some people are getting fixated on the young woman whose face I blacked out. That young lady has NOTHING to do with the baby. She was just a girl who happened to be at the shower. It is also not one of the Palin girls. I would not have felt the need to protect their identity since they are already well known. Update 4: It looks like Todd did indeed quit the Iron Dog at Puntilla Lake . Hmm I wonder if he received a frantic phone call? (By the way thanks for the link Anonymous.) (The Fairbanks Miner has more .) Update 5: The Alaska Report asks the obvious question . Update 6: Let me clear up another misconception, this time about the photo on OK magazine. I did not say that it and the photo next to it were identical. I actually referred to it as a “doppelganger”, in other words, a “look-a-like”. If it had been the same picture I would have said “Look the same picture shows up in OK magazine.” However what is clear is that those two pictures were taken the same day, with the same camera, of the same baby, and only moments apart. The important point is to prove that Sarah herself had identified that baby as Trig Palin to a national audience. She was not just trying to fool a few friends and potential family members, she lied to the whole world. Update: Oh wow! I think I inspired a Facebook group . Cool!

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A Tale of Two Babies by Sarah Palin.

After being humiliated by Family Guy actress Andrea Friedman, Sarah uses her favorite little shield to deflect criticism again.

This from Sarah’s Twitter page: Trig’s a fan! Go IronDoggers – be safe, ride hard, have fun lovin’ Alaska’s great outdoors. (This Twitpic of poor Trig is from her as well.) Oh Trig, I wish I could say that things are going to get better for you, but sadly I know that they are not. Update: Just HAD to add this quote from the past: “The mere idea of someone doctoring the photo of a special needs baby is appalling.”— Meg Stapleton to CNN, June 2009 Too perfect isn’t it?

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After being humiliated by Family Guy actress Andrea Friedman, Sarah uses her favorite little shield to deflect criticism again.

But Wait, There’s More! The Real David Paterson New York Times ‘Bombshell’

Yesterday we told you to look out for another David Paterson profile in the New York Times today . We were right: Tonight, the Times published a second David Paterson piece . And, holy crap, look at all the sexy… ZZZZZZZZZZ Do not be fooled by the big plane crash which opens the article or the impressive triple byline. Reader, this New York Times David Paterson article is boring, too! While the previous Paterson article could be summed up as “Paterson has a sketchy confidant,” tonight’s is something like: “David Paterson wastes a lot of his campaign money on fancy restaurants and gives jobs to his buddies’ ex-girlfriends.” Anyway, suppose we ought to go through the most scandalous details: Scandalous Detail 1: David Paterson eats at fancy restaurants and charges them to his campaign! There is a $304 tab at Le Cirque in Manhattan. There were two large expenditures at the Water Club – $670 and $299. And the campaign spent more than $1,000 at the Mojo restaurant in Harlem, for the governor’s birthday. And he also spent $1,800 in campaign funds on a fancy but drug-fueled-orgy-free trip to a Ritz Carlton in Sarasota, Fla. Suggested New York Post Headline: “$1,000! CAMPAIGN CASH FOR GOV BIRTHDAY BA$H” Scandalous Detail 2: Governor David Paterson is suspiciously absent from the governor’s office. For example: When a plane crashed outside Buffalo about 10:20 on a Thursday evening last year, killing 50 people, aides to Gov. David A. Paterson of New York could not find him for more than three hours, and it was nearly five hours before his office released any statement about what was the deadliest air disaster in the nation since 2001. His hours are “not long,” according to the Times : He works from 10 to about 4:30 or 5pm. And he hung out in the Hamptons for long stretches of time when he should have been campaigning. Plus, he evidently skipped out on a Columbia speaking engagement because “it was the night before his 55th birthday”. (Guy really likes birthdays!) Suggested New York Post Headline: “THE FIRST SLACKRICAN-AMERICAN GOVERNOR” Scandalous Detail 3: It appears the Times heeded John’s advice to “not for get about David Paterson’s Other Sketchy Aide” . Much ink is spilled over Clemmie Harris—especially his ex-girlfriend, Gabrielle Turner, whom Paterson gave a cush job in his administration even though for the past 15 years, her only political experience had been “a two-week stint as a volunteer on Barack Obama’s presidential campaign”. Suggested New York Post Headline: “GOV’S PARTY PAL” Obviously, none of these revelations are resignation-worthy. We do get the image of Paterson as playboy-governor, which, given his predecessor, is not helpful at all! The Times just unloaded a substantial shovelful of shit on the already heaping pile that’s probably going to bury Paterson’s reelection efforts. But that ride was fun, let’s do it again sometime. (If you hear of any impending Paterson bombshells, you know who to email.)

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But Wait, There’s More! The Real David Paterson New York Times ‘Bombshell’

Gettin’ Crunk at the Grammy After Party

http://www.younghollywood.com Check out Jay Sean turn the mic around on our own yh correspondent. Also joined by the talented Colbie Callait, Akon, and Lil Jon. Hosted by Michelle Marie. Distributed by Tubemogul. 8 views | 0 comments Click here to watch the video (04:26) Submitted By: YoungHollywood Tags: Akon

American Idol: Those of Us About to Die Salute You

You know what’s so nice about American Idol ? It really respects our time. As a thank you to its loyal viewers, the show has gotten so efficient! Like, last night’s broadcast was two hours, and we learned seven whole things. Yes, seven things! Last night was the episode where everyone gets put in Rooms of Shame or Ecstasy and has to nervously wait for the four judges to come in and pretend to be sad. All the desperate singtestants are forced to sit on the floor, because they are not worthy of chairs, and then Kara comes in and does her best approximation of human facial expressions and tells them that their dreams are either over or going to be over very, very soon. When I came trudging home in the ice from a friend’s house, where I was watching Lorst and eating far too many Triscuits, I sat down to watch Idol and my lover, D.V. Arr, told me that there were two whole hours to watch before I could go to bed and let visions of sugarplum Weirs skate through my head. TWO HOURS. During the second week of Hollywood Week. So, I kind of expected a lot to happen, because I am too trusting and give away my heart too quickly. But, of course, Idol spent most of the time dicking around with needless recaps of last week and lots of Ryan talking about pressure cookers and corkers and all other manner of terms for stressful things. And in the end, we learned the identities of only seven of our 24 semifinalists. In two hours. Again, TWO HOURS. Seven people. Oh, sure, we found out about some losers too. The girl with the damaged nerves in her face? Better luck next time. Simon muttered that it was the wrong decision, and she seemed pretty good in the singing clips they showed, so that’s too bad. Maybe next year. Though why these people keep coming back after being shamed, I do not know. The heart wants what it wants, I suppose. Um… who else didn’t get in? Oh, yeah, the crazy girl in the video above. She was on last season and was wearing just normal clothes, a simple button-down and dungarees, at her audition and she seemed nice and humble. She seemed normal enough during this go-around too, staying nerdily in the background mostly, but when she was told that it was the end of the line? Plain Jane went nertz. She kept talking about how they had “no idea” what she could do. None whatsoever! It’s not as if she’d just spent a week singing for them and had done similarly a year prior. No, the judges had absolutely no idea. See, she’d lost her voice during group day, so that’s what it was. Her group totally f’ed her over by reaching their gnarled talons down her throat and stealing her voice, or something like that. Guys, you have no idea. No one has any idea. She has no idea what she can do. No idea. Not a clue. I figure now she must be done with the show for good. I mean, can you really get into an awkward, sad yelling fit in front of Ellen DeGeneres and expect to have a good shot at the majors next season? I mean, sure, maybe you can. It’s this show, after all. If you beat Charlie Rose at jai alai one time, you cannot expect to ever be a guest on his show ever again. If you throw Bonnie Hunt down a flight of stairs while taping an interview, that’s pretty much it. Same goes for hurling a Brother sewing machine at Tim Gunn’s head. But on Idol ? Oh, you can just about do whatever you want and they’ll take you back, mostly because you are crazy and interesting. Hey why not just up and stab Randy Jackson. He’ll stand there chuckling, McDonald’s parfait dribbling out of the wound, and say “Ha ha dawg, come back next year.” So maybe the Nutty Nerd will be back. I suppose we’ll just have to watch next year to find out. (None of us are watching next year, right?) So who went through. Well, Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile did, so good for him and his new beebee. Also good for some girl with curly blonde hair who will be smirked at with condescending horniness by Simon all season and will eventually do a sad segue into country music. She’s basically Kelli Pickler, and Simon hopes to pickle her. We should all be very proud of your cousin Ricky, you know Aunt Cheryl’s kid from upstate, who landed in the top 24 even though we’d never seen him before. Mostly he seemed like an awkward cross between Danny Gokey, Kris Allen, and a beetle. Same vaguely beardy puffy face features as Gokey, same easy-breezy troubadour stylings of Kris, same buggy skitteriness of the things that go scattering when you overturn a big rock. He seemed arrogant about his chances, but then in the sit-down they all said that he didn’t seem confident, so who knows what the hell was up. The few singing clips we saw didn’t really seem all that impressive, but I trust the judging and producing staff that gave the world Kevin Covais to only advance the best. Speaking of Covais, yet another squirrely ‘n nerdy young man has been offered up to America. I forget his name, but he’s the one that sang “The Climb” at his initial audition. Do you know what “The Climb” is? It is a song by Milly Sirrus, and it was featured in her movie about Hannah Montana called The Hannah Montana Movie. In that movie, which is about Hannah Montana, Milly goes to a farm with her mom Billy Ray, played by the redoubtable Billie Jean King, and learns important lessons about being nice to old ladies and how to find hay-blonde farmboys attractive (this is a very hard thing to do!). Anyway, Hanna Montana sings this song at the end, to prove that she’s learned so many lessons and come so far, and everyone cheers. (GUYS, I SAW THIS MOVIE.) So then a teenage boy went on a nationally-watched reality show and sang that song. Ha. Heh heh heh. Anyway, the kid is like twelve years old and I’m sure some swirly-girlies will eat that shit up (“He’s so sensitive and stares at Ryan Seacrest almost as much as we do!!”). Unless those other teendreams, Shaggy and More Shaggy, get through. Then old Morty Cyrus over here is screwed. Angela Martin, who I like and feel bad for , got through the Torment of Rooms, but we do not know her fate beyond that. Hopefully she will make it. That Raspy girl from last week who was all annoying and bossy was in the room that they doused with gasoline and lit ablaze, Kara wedging a chair under the door handle to keep everyone in. Too bad for her. I think she is 29, so that’s the end of the line for her. Good thing all that bitching paid off! That blonde girl who is basically Brooke White made it through, so good for her. Still no word on the fate of Yellow Teef, but dear god we saw her again, and her teef aren’t even yellow. They are a russet potato brown. I feel like she’s been drinking chicory or root juice or something. Is she Inman from Cold Mountain ? I think she is Inman from Cold Mountain . Ellen is her Ada. Which makes Randy the guy Ethan Suplee played in the movie and Simon is Kathy Baker. That works. But whatever, she’s a really good sanger and if she makes it through, hopefully someone will take her aside and tell her about teef bleaching. It’s a fixable problem! You know who’s a funny story? That Shirtless Guy. You know, the one who Kara made strip at the audition? We all thought he was some dumb oaf-faced gimmick. But he’s not! He’s actually got singerly chops and now he’s in the voting pool and I’m sure the ladies will vote for him alllll nite longgggg. And by “ladies” I mean Ryan Seacrest in a wig, guzzling Cavit pino grigio straight from the bottle, weeping and clutching his phone and saying “Iloveyou, Iloveyou, I loveyou…” in shuddering, wet spurts over and over again. “What’d you do last night,” a staffer will ask him the next morning. “Not much, nothing, turned in early,” he’ll reply with practiced nonchalance. The staffer will frown in a pitying, concerned way. They’ll lower their voice and say “Ryan, honey, you’re still wearing your voting wig.” Did any of your favorites make it through? Does anyone have any favorites? Egghead Latino, who will get verrrryyyyy far, has not been asked to come to America’s loneliest prom yet, but he will be tonight. You can take that to the bank. Oh, and, while you’re at it, do you use TD Bank? Great, take this sack of loose change to that that coin machine and bring me back the cash. And by “sack of loose change” I mean Kara. There’s not much else to say. For two hours of Entertainment, that’s all there was to talk about. Some tears, some cheers, some warm lonely beers, Ryan sitting on the roof, staring out at the goofy LA smog. He takes a pull and swallows it heavily, letting out a weary sigh-burp. “Oh Kevin,” he says quietly. “Kevin Covais.” A thick breeze sweeps up and turns his tie into a windsock, makes his unblinking eyes water. And he feels terribly sad, and terribly small. But then he hears a noise behind him, he turns, and it is Shirtless Guy, brandishing his guitar, humming something warm and familiar. Traffic roars, buildings breathe and bend. Ryan stares at Shirtless Guy and reaches his hand into his jacket pocket. He feels the synthetic honey-blonde curls of the voting wig. “Soon my friend,” his whispers. “Soon.” But not soon enough.

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American Idol: Those of Us About to Die Salute You