Dear Bossip , I have been with the father of my two kids for 10 years. We are by far not the perfect couple, but we have been solid. I am 28 years old and he is 24 years old. The last year or so I have been having mixed emotions because we are not where we should be in life. He has a GED and works jobs, but he doesn’t have a career, and he is not motivated. I keep telling him I want us to have better, but it’s like he does not understand. On the other hand, I have a male friend who we are just that. We never did anything that we should not have. He is married and I am in a complicated situation. We have known each other for a little over a year. My friend is a well-educated well-rounded guy with dreams and aspirations. Recently, we have kind of been flirting and getting to know each other more in depth, and I think I am falling in love with him. My kid’s father is such a nice guy. He treats me like a queen and is a great father, but he is not established. My friend on the other hand is established, and I don’t want to turn down the possibility of us being friends first, and that it could work between us even though he is married. I know a lot about his situation with his wife and it doesn’t seem like a forever thing. What do I do? Do I just back up and don’t cross that line of friendship because I don’t want it to turn bad. Currently, my kid’s father and I are working on ourselves, and, yes we are still having sex. We have a mutual understanding that we are taking time to re-evaluate things. I don’t want to hurt my kid’s father, but I also do not want to be hurt neither. – Between A Rock And A Hard Place Dear Ms. Between A Rock And A Hard Place , Ratchet, ratchet, ratchet! Those are my words for and about you. But, let me back up a minute. You’ve been with your boyfriend for 10 years, which means you were 18 years old, and he was 14 years old when you started dating? Uhm, isn’t that illegal to be dating a minor? So, you were already being ratchet 10 years ago at 18 years old, and now because you don’t think things are going where you want them to with your boyfriend, you’re talking about stepping out of your relationship to sleep with a married man? Huh? Are you serious? Do you see the pattern you have with men? You were dating a minor, which is wrong by all measures of the fact. He was still developing physically, emotionally, and mentally, and you took advantage of him. And, please don’t sit up here and say he was mature for his age. Ma’am, I will smack the –ish out of you. How would you feel if an 18 year old boy came home with your 14 year old daughter? Yeah, but you don’t like that idea. But, hold on, now you want to start dating a married man? Someone else’s husband? Uhm, yeah, you seriously have mental and emotional problems and you need help. Then, you have the audacity to say that he is not where you want him to be because he has a GED, works jobs, and has no motivation. However, he treats you like a queen, is a great father, working, and a nice guy. However, you say that you want better for the both of you, but, ma’am, what are you bringing to the table. What do you have to offer? I noticed that you left that out of the conversation. You’re complaining he has jobs, and no career. Uhm, so what is your career? What are you holding down? And, since you’re complaining about having and doing better, then explain to me why you are not married? Why have you been dating for 10 years, playing house, shacking up, and you have two kids, playing family, but there is no ring on your finger? (I’ll wait while you ponder that.) Now, because you’re not happy at home you figure the best resolution to your situation is to sleep with a married man. You figure that instead of talking and effectively communicating with your man about your feelings, how to move forward, and make the necessary steps toward a united goal, instead you seek comfort in the arms of a married man? And, you want to throw your boyfriend under the bus because you’re the ratchet trifling a** who is willing to jeopardize her relationship for a fling. SMDH! Some of you women are a piece of work. The man is married. He is not your friend. You don’t have anything in common with him. Despite that you may feel you have something in common with him, but you don’t. You’re enamored and impressed with his accolades and that he has dreams. And, he is selling you on his pipe dreams and your thirsty dumba** is falling for them with your lips touted up slurping on his nut sac. So typical. And, for the record he is not going to leave his wife. He just wants to smash, and you will have a momentary affair, and it will be over because the novelty of new p***y will wear off for him, and you will be just another chick he cheated on with his wife. You will stalk him, trying to keep the relationship going, and he may come back, and then you’ll have unprotected sex. And, BAM! You’ll end up pregnant, but you won’t know which man is the father, and, we all know how this story is going to end. What’s so sad is that you are comparing your man to a married. Why? There is no comparison. He is married, and the fact that you said he is established, well, yes, he is establishedly married (I made that word up. LOL!) Nevertheless, he is off limits, but knowing your ratchet a** you’re going to ignore all warnings and caution because you’re falling in love with him. Bwahahahahaha. Girl, stop! Falling in love my a**. You just want to get some d**k. You love playing the game of off-limits and dangerous liaisons with men. Remember, your boyfriend was 14 years old when you started dating him. He was off limits, yet, you pursued that relationship. You’re dangerous, and need some help. So, your options are either to sit with your boyfriend. Be honest and frank with him about what you’re feeling, desiring, and how to proceed to get both of your needs met. You mentioned that you’re working on re-evaluating your relationship. Well, take this time to set an action plan of how to move forward. It’s been 10 years of the same damn thing, but you’re not married. Why not? How can you move toward that goal? Then, you discuss his goals, desires, and dreams. What does he want for himself, and his family? Where does he see himself a year, two, or five years from now? Is he interested in being married? And, if you feel that neither of you are on the same page, you have two different dreams, goals, and desires for your relationship, then it may be time to end the relationship and move on. And, no, that does not mean you move on to the married man. He is off limits. Leave that man alone. And, you can’t be friends. You can’t be associates. You have no reason to be in contact or communication with him. Instead, I need for you to work on you, and get into some therapy to figure out why you have this desire and need to be with men who are off limits to you. Why do you pursue men that present some element of danger? You need to work on that, and get to the root of yourself. Something is at the core, and you’re going to seriously need to resolve this before you start dating or being any other man. Because if you don’t resolve this, you will continue to repeat this pattern at the detriment of yourself, and your children. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Continue reading →
