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A Field Guide to Child Stars Gone Bad [Sad Trends]

Posted on March 10, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Corey Haim is not the first—or the last—former child star who became a drug addict. Some make a full recovery. Many, sadly, do not. Whether it’s the fame at a young age and an inability to cope when it goes away, or the idea that, thanks to their celebrity status, they can get away with anything, there are a million possible explanations why child stars end up turning to drugs and alcohol later in life. It’s not a nice trend, but based on all this evidence, it’s very real indeed. Jodie Sweetin Role : Stephanie Tanner on Full House Drug of Choice : Coke, alcohol, ecstasy, but mostly crystal meth Where Are They Now? : Her memoir unSweetined , about coming off drugs after her public “sobriety” came out in November Dana Plato Role : Kimberly Drummond on Diff’rent Strokes Drug of Choice : Valium and alcohol Where Are They Now? : The cautionary tale of what can happen to child stars, she died of an overdose of painkillers which was later ruled a suicide. She was 34 Corey Feldman Role : Cory Haim ‘s friend and co-star, he had a string of hits including The Goonies , Stand by Me , The Lost Boys , and License to Drive Drug of Choice : Heroin, among other drugs Where Are They Now? : Constantly trying to get his career back on track. He and Haim co-starred in a direct-to-DVD sequel of The Lost Boys in 2008 Danny Bonnaduce Role : Danny Partridge on The Partridge Family Drug of Choice : Cocaine, crack, and steroids Where Are They Now? : A demi-celebrity since the ’90s as he publicly battled his demons on various reality programs and hosted some talk shows and radio shows, he’s now involved in “celebrity” boxing Lief Garrett Role : A singer and costar on TV shows Family and The Odd Couple Drug of Choice : Heroin, among other drugs Where Are They Now? : Arrested for heroin possession in February; now out on bail Todd Bridges Role : Willis Jackson on Diff’rent Strokes Drug of Choice : Cocaine Where Are They Now? : Seemingly on the straight and narrow these days, he had a recurring role on Everybody Hates Chris Brian Bonsall Role : Little Andy Keaton on Family Ties Drug of Choice : Alcohol and marijuana Where Are They Now? : Already on probation for assault, he was arrested for marijuana possession in February Tatum O’Neal Role : The youngest-ever Oscar winner for her role in Paper Moon Drug of Choice : Heroin Where Are They Now? : Following her divorce from tennis player John McEnroe, she still occasionally acts Edward Furlong Role : John Connor in Terminator 2: Judgment Day Drug of Choice : Cocaine and heroin Where Are They Now? : Filming The Green Hornet . Anthony Michael Hall Role : A member of the Brat Pack who starred in The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles Drug of Choice : Went to rehab for alcohol at 17 Where Are They Now? : Still acting and recently shot episodes of CSI: Miami and Community Brad Renfro Role : The title character in The Client Drug of Choice : Heroin Where Are They Now? : Died of an overdose in 2008 at 25. Bobby Driscoll Role : Starred in Disney movies of the ’40s and ’50s including Song of the South , So Dear to My Heart , and Treasure Island Drug of Choice : Arrested for marijuana in 1956, but also a heavy heroin user Where Are They Now? : A fixture at Andy Warhol’s Factory, he died penniless in the East Village at 31. Mackenzie Phillips Role : Julie Cooper Horvath on One Day at a Time Drug of Choice : Cocaine and heroin Where Are They Now? : Did you miss this ? Drew Barrymore Role : First rose to fame as Gertie in E.T. Drug of Choice : In her autobiography she talks about drinking, smoking pot, and snorting coke before her 14th birthday Where Are They Now? : She’s Drew Fucking Barrymore!

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Sex-Tape Overshares Might Send John Edwards Aide to Jail [Scandal]

Posted on March 9, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

A judge might send Andrew Young to jail for lying about his handling of the John Edwards sex tape. It seems the tape was distributed more widely than it should have been, like every sex tape ever. Young swore the only copy of a video of his former boss getting it on with mistress Rielle Hunter was in an Atlanta safe-deposit box, and that Young had shown it only to a select few. But that testimony didn’t square with Young showing the tape to ABC News and also to freelance journalist Robert Draper, the Associated Press reports . Finally , someone is about to be punished for sleazy John Edwards having an illicit love child behind the back of his cancer-stricken wife, and lying to the world about it. And naturally that someone is a campaign aide whose last name is not “Edwards” or “Hunter.”

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Jessica Simpson: It’s Time to Say Goodbye [Goodbyes]

Posted on March 9, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

With her latest stab at relevancy—a new single and a VH1 show— Jessica Simpson is yet again being shoved down our collective gullet. It’s time for this uninteresting, talentless person to take a hike. Forever! I usually scoff at people who criticize celebrities by saying, “They’re just famous for being famous.” But Jessica Simpson is something worse—she’s famous for trying to be famous. She isn’t defined by any quantifiable event, talent, or success, but by a constant striving, one that often leads to disastrous failure. The same came be said for “Who We Are” her new single (below), which is a indistinguishable amalgam of pleasant electronic bleeps that will float across your brain as amiably and forgettably as a cloud in a bright sky. It’s the theme song for her new show, The Price of Beauty , that starts next month on VH1 and which features her traveling around the world trying out beauty regimens from different cultures. Not a bad concept if we weren’t so sick of seeing her face—plastered over with cosmetics—glaring back at us in the televised version of hell. When she started, she was just another big-breasted, blonde Britney Spears impersonator with a good voice and very determined father. She had some moderate success thanks to corporate marketing and a naive female fan base, but none of her early hits are that memorable. We probably would have been rid of her by now if it weren’t for a little thing called reality television. In 2002, MTV debuted Newlyweds , an “inside look” at her recent marriage to boybander Nick Lachey . Her ditsy persona (or was it her real personality?) took off immediately and America tuned in to see her latest bout with sitcom stupidity and her grappling with various food-related mysteries, like what kind of animal a Chicken of the Sea is and where Buffalo wings come from. Simpson quickly morphed into a marketing robot, hawking pizza and dubious skin care regimens. With the sound of cash registers echoing in her voluminous hair, Americans soon forgot who she was. You never said, “She sings that song,” or “She’s the star of that movie.” You said, “Oh, she’s the stupid girl from MTV.” For a while, Simpson was everywhere and we had no real idea why that was, other than we were told to like her and she was busy pawning stuff off on us. She tried to be more than that, sure. She wanted to be a real star who could do things other than pitch unnecessary corporate goods. But her albums soon stopped selling and she skipped from dud to dud, trying to act in Dukes of Hazzard and something ineffable with Dane Cook. Then, like Jean-Claude Van Damme before her, her flicks went direct to DVD. She tried to make the switch from pop to country, but even stupid Christians in the Bible Belt didn’t want her at that point. Like a rotten tomato stuck behind the crisper, she was starting to stink up the joint, but no one could clean her out. Why? Blame the Celebrity Industrial Complex ! Even though we were no longer interested in her entertainment products, she’d started a career as a professional girlfriend, going out very publicly with musician John Mayer and then Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo . The rumors are still swirling that she’s inexplicably dating Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan , which would be the most interesting thing she’s done in five years. And when she needs a little career bump she hits the cover of Vanity Fair or Oprah —not to talk about a project, but her personal life. We find it hard to care about either. Now she’s back for another round through the publicity cycle, as if she might have something new or interesting to share with us. Sorry, Jessica, you don’t. You’re like that sweater we once bought on sale hoping that we would one day fit into it, but we suddenly realized that we will never wear, no matter how hard we try. You won’t ever fit us and it’s better that we donate you to charity and clear you out of the closet. Because we only have room for so much, and newer, prettier things have come along that we like. Yes, Jessica we’re getting rid of you. And since we barely even wanted you in the first place, please do us the courtesy of staying away. [ Image via Getty ]

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2010 Oscar Mysteries: Explained! [Sleuthing]

Posted on March 8, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

If you were like me, last night you were watching the show with plenty of questions. Why so long? Why so bad? Who is that weird red-haired lady crashing the stage? Well, we found some answers and even more questions. Mystery : Who the hell was that red-haired lady crashing the stage during the Best Documentary Short acceptance speech? What Happened : Some crazy lady in a purple dress pulled a Kanye and hopped up to the mic and just started talking over director-producer Roger Ross Williams. She made no sense at all. Status : Solved. That woman was producer Elinor Burkett. She and Williams had a bitter feud over the direction of the film that resulted in a lawsuit. Salon has the full, awesome story . She accuses Williams’ mother of tripping her with a cane to keep her from getting on stage. The Oscars needed a lot more of this . Mystery : What was up with George Clooney ‘s face? What Happened : The silver fox was acting squirrelier than usual and making strange grimaces at the camera. Status : Solved: As we told you earlier Clooney was drunk from his secret flask. Who knows if the faces were because he was pissed (drunk) or pissed (upset) but we venture it was a combo of the two. Mystery : Did the Academy leave Farrah Fawcett and others out of the Dead People Montage? What Happened : The video collection of dead people highlights seemed shorter than usual this year (if you don’t count the entirely separate shout out to John Hughes who was never once nominated for an Oscar in his life) but they left several people out, like Fawcett, Bea Arthur , and Ed McMahon. Status : Solved. Yes, it was intentional . The Academy felt that in all three instances their work didn’t qualify them for inclusion, even though Michael Jackson and Brittany Murphy made the grade. They are not apologizing for skipping them either, saying every year some people must be left out. We smell Betty White’s hand in this. Mystery : Did Sandra Bullock diss Meryl Streep ? What Happened : When she got up to accept her trophy, Sandy B made a move toward Meryl, who tried to hug her or something, and then Sandy walked away and Meryl made the “Oh, never mind” gesture. The video is here . Status : Solved: Yes, she did. It doesn’t seem intentional, but the hug clearly didn’t connect. Maybe that is why Sandy repeatedly called Meryl her lover in her speech, to make up for causing her to look a fool on television. Mystery : What was up with those lamp shades? What Happened : At various points in the broadcast, a giant wall of lamp shades descended from heaven to make the stage look like the party room at a T.G.I. Friday’s in Wilkes-Barre. Status : Solved: It was a mistake—a very bad mistake. Mystery : Does Cameron Diaz not know how to read? What Happened : When she came out to present the award for Best Animated Feature with Steve Carell , they read their little banter and Cameron called Steve “Jude” by mistake before he corrected her and said their skit was originally written for Jude Law and they never fixed the Teleprompter Status : Solved: It was just a really bad joke, people. See, they talk about how Animated Features keep their beautiful faces off screen, and then we find out that it was supposed to be written for Jude Law, because, of course, no one would ever call Steve Carell attractive. Ha! Jokes. Too bad the show was so lame and riddled with mistakes that their very plausible meaning was a little too plausible. Mystery : What the fuck happened to Judd Nelson ? What Happened : When a bunch of brat packers, including a radiant Molly Ringwald, came out to pay tribute to John Hughes, it was apparent that all of them had aged, but none as badly as The Breakfast Club bad boy, who was practically unrecognizable. Status : Unsolved. He’s still working as an actor, so no one thinks he is destitute or drug-riddled or something. Everyone noticed he looked crazy but no one knows why. Yet. Mystery : Was Kathy Ireland drunk or on drugs? What Happened : The former supermodel was one of three co-hosts for ABC’s 30-minute red carpet special before the show began. She was horrible. Bad interview followed bad interview, she seemed semi-coherent, and her non-microphone-holding arm barely moved. Status : Solved. She was not on drugs . Now we have even more questions. Considering she has a billion (yes, that’s a b) dollar design business and we have never seen her host on TV before, what the hell was she doing there? Of all the people that ABC could have tapped to do the gig, why choose an inexperience lady who looks like she has a prosthetic? Is Kelly Ripa too normal or something? And if we wanted some crazy old lady with lots of plastic surgery on the red carpet, why not bring back Joan Rivers? Our mind is still boggling. Mystery : Will people watch again? What Happened : Last night’s telecast had the highest ratings in five years with 41.3 million viewers. It was also one of the worst productions in recent memories. Will people bother next year? Status : Solved. Of course. It’s the Oscars. Maybe not as many, but you know they’ll be there. And please, please, just let Neil Patrick Harris host next year. He promises his tux won’t be nearly as shiny. Mystery : Why the hell was there street dancing at the Oscars? What Happened : A troupe of television dancers were given the stage to do strange hip-hop contortions to the classically-influenced music of the Best Score nominees. Status : Unclear. We solved how it happened—director Adam Shankman who is a choreographer and TV dance show host—but we will forever be asking why. Why, why, why?

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Life Inside Scientology: Physical Abuse, Psychological Torture and Billion-Year Contracts [Cults]

Posted on March 7, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

The New York Times has a lengthy, front-page story about Scientology today and while it doesn’t break much new ground —many of the more salacious tales first appeared in The St. Petersburg Times over the past year—it’s worth reading. First and foremost, Scientology is nuts , and reading about its nutty, abusive cultishness never ceases to be fascinating. Laurie Goodstein’s article focuses on Christie King and Chris Collbran, second-generation Scientologists raised in the church. As teens they joined Sea Org , the church’s bizarre pseudo-navy, and signed the requisite billion-year contract “in keeping with the church’s belief that Scientologists are immortal.” Later, they became disillusioned by the abuses they witnessed, which included: Sea Org officers hitting and otherwise abusing subordinates, including teenage minors Working 16-hour days for $17/week Christie’s parents spending so much money on Scientology, they couldn’t afford to attend her wedding at Manhattan’s Scientology Center Leaders lying about church membership to fool Sea Org staff into believing they were saving the world When Chris had doubts about Sea Org, the church assigned him to menial labor halfway around the world and blocked Christie’s attempts to contact him for three months Sea Org complaints not attributed to the Collbrans include: Physical beat-downs at the hands of church chairman David Miscavige Pressure to get abortions against their will (Sea Org members may not have children) Some members gave up to $1M to the church Getting out was even worse. Since the church had the Collbrans’ passports in its possession—and since their family and loved ones were still part of the church—they had to endure a slate of further abuse: Sign false confessions about their private lives Pay the church $10,000 they “owed for courses and counseling” Become estranged from their loved ones, who, according to church doctrine, had to cut them off when they left Christie hid an intentionally pregnancy until it was too late to abort, specifically to expedite her exit from Sea Org The second reason this story matters is that it confirms and lends credence to earlier reports about Scientologists, primarily from The St. Petersburg Times . Scientology leaders and some prominent members deny stories like the Collbrans’. (Even Sea Org members say the “average Scientology member, known in the church as a public” wouldn’t know about most of these abuses.) The Village Voice ‘s Tony Ortega notes that this is good for ex-Scientologists trying to raise awareness of their cause: But mostly, it’s the St. Pete Times that wins here. With only a few weeks until the 2009 Pulitzers are announced, it’s hard not to see the timing of Goodstein’s piece as anything but accidental: the New York Times has just sent a clear endorsement of a Pulitzer for last year’s blockbuster series by the St. Pete Times. Defectors Say Church of Scientology Hides Abuses [NYT] Scientology Gets Polite Slap on the Wrist from New York Times [VV] The Truth Rundown [SPT]

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Life Inside Scientology: Physical Abuse, Psychological Torture and Billion-Year Contracts [Cults]

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Is the LOLcat Empire Built on Exploited Humans? [Cubicle Culture]

Posted on March 4, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Ben Huh ‘s Cheezburger Network has been crowned the largest “meme aggregator” on the internet and gleans more than $4 million in annual revenue from other people’s animal pictures. So why can’t Huh throw more bones to his humans? Huh rubbed some prospective employees the wrong way with a recent blog post , issued just as Wired was lauding him for turning internet “junk into gold” as proprietor of I Can Has Cheezburger and a maze of other pet-pic sites like FAIL Blog. It seems Huh was offering to pay people the state minimum wage or just slightly more. “I don’t even wipe my ass for $10 an hour,” one applicant wrote. Huh found this greedy: The worst candidates focus on money the most… Higher advertised wages resulted in much higher level of noise from candidates who really didn’t care about the job. (FYI: Advertised pay and actual pay are two different things.) It’s become clear to me that bad candidates focus on money like that’s the only thing they’ll get out of the job. A good candidate, Huh says, will try to pull himself up by his bootstraps, just like Huh did, clawing his way out from a minimum-wage job and his $40,000 in debt, landing “back on my feet” in less than a year and eventually bringing 200 million pageviews a month into the Cheezburger Network . A Cheezburger spy tells us says Huh’s work ethos is deeply felt and permeates his company; our tipster said there are a significant number of minimum-wage employees within the company expected to work “extensive hours without overtime pay.” The tipster: [Huh] seems ignorant of the reason people devote their lives to startups is because they have OWNERSHIP in the company-not because they get to look at pictures of cats… Mr. Huh seems to want to create the APPEARANCE of a great workplace while paying his workers as little as possible. It’s a good point: If Huh’s sites made people happy to earn just $16,416 a year before taxes—the current minimum wage in Washington State, where Huh’s company is based—labor costs in this country would positively plummet. UPDATE: A self-described Cheezburger Network contractor who has spent a fair amount of time with the company wrote in to tell , ” I can confirm what was said in your story.” We’ve asked for more details, but that does remind us to ask: if you know more, do clue us in .

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Old Person Replaces Sick Person as Corrupt Person Steps Aside [Congress]

Posted on March 4, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Nancy Pelosi has selected Rep. Sandy Levin (D-Mich) to “temporarily” replace Charlie Rangel as Chairman of the Ways and Means committee, while Rangel’s under investigation for being incredibly corrupt. Sorry, crazy Pete Stark . The guy who was supposed to be next-in-line was crazy California Congressman Pete Stark, who is very old and who has been suffering from a mysterious illness lately that he won’t tell anyone about. Stark is actually kind of awesome— he is the only avowed atheist in Congress and he’s a founding member of the Progressive caucus and generally we love the guy—but the head of a committee as important as Ways and Means should not be missing a quarter of all floor votes because this weird sickness that he won’t tell anyone about. One of the big problems with congressional Democrats is their fanatical devotion to the seniority system, which is how you end up with dudes like Max Baucus in charge of the Senate Finance Committee and Kent Conrad in charge of the Budget Committee. The Democrats should be thrilled to have those gentlemen in their caucus—but committee chairmanships should actually go to people who actually do toe the party line, which is not such a bad thing if your party line is generally full of good ideas. Let your “moderate” members from conservative states and districts take their symbolic votes against things, but do not let them chair powerful committees, you idiots. Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer are generally much better at this sort of thing than Harry Reid and Dick Durbin. But while Sander Levin is a better choice than Pete Stark, as he is not suffering from a mysterious illness, he is also still 78 years old. He is the older brother of Senator Carl Levin, in fact. Seniority is just another of the incredibly stupid things about our way of governing ourselves that the Founders invented because God told them to.

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Sarah Palin Commiserates with Leno About Being Ridiculed on the Internet [New Friends]

Posted on March 2, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Sarah Palin made her “comedy debut” on The Tonight Show . (Apparently the running joke of her candidacy doesn’t count. Ba-dum-ching! ) This allowed us to witness a pair of millionaires chuckling on a Hollywood stage about how they are bloggers’ victims. Asked about media criticism of her family, Palin brought up Family Guy and complained that mainstream media didn’t provide adequate platforms for her to attack the show. (Recall that she is already a career talking head and capable of commanding interviews in any newspaper, TV show, or radio program in America. The only bigger platform would be to attach a megaphone to the moon and blanket the entire planet with her voice.) She leans in and tells Jay he knows what it’s like to get made fun of after “these last weeks.” He cuts to commercial. Then, to improve that pesky “no platform” problem, Leno invites Palin to audition for his job by performing a mock monologue. The funniest joke came before she started, when Palin said she would forgo cue cards because she knew her jokes “like the front of my hand.” The monologue consisted of weird political metaphors and gee-shucks moments about eating moose. At the end, she throws in another chuckle about how Jay is her brother in media martyrdom. Irate about blog chatter and convinced that the antidotes are Fox News and Jay Leno —is it possible Palin just doesn’t know what “mainstream media” means?

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Sarah Palin Commiserates with Leno About Being Ridiculed on the Internet [New Friends]

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Death, Divorce, and a Baldwin Will Save History’s Boringest Oscars [Beautiful Awards]

Posted on March 1, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

The Oscars are on Sunday! Aren’t you soooo excited? What’s that? It’s shaping up to be one of the least-surprising Oscars in recent memory? Well, OK, sure. But we think there are actually a few things to be excited about. Yeah, yeah. A lot of the categories already feel like locks. Mo’Nique is going to win for her blistering turn as a psychotic Nazi in Precious and Ch’ristoph Waltz has already sewn up the Supporting Actor prize for his brilliant work as a terrifyingly violent lady in Inglourious Basterds . Yes, Jeff Bridges will grizzle his way to Oscar glory, most likely, for The Singing Wrestler , and Sandy Bullock’s win will probably not Blind Side anyone (joke copyright: Jeffery Lyons). But there are a few potential nail-biters and show stoppers to look forward to. Her(r) Directors At this point, Avatar and The Hurt Locker are duking it out for the Best Picture prize. The whole new 10 nominees thing was supposed to shake up the race a bit, but it really hasn’t. These are the clear frontrunners. As this is how these things work, Kathryn Bigelow and James “King Kong Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Me” Cameron, ex spouses, are in a battle royale for the director trophy. The good news about this? If Kathryn wins, we get to witness history as the first woman in moviedom wins the top prize for directing. So we will remember it forever and tell our grandkids that, yes, we remember when the first lady paved the way for Dame Drew Barrymore’s big Whip It 3: Whip It Some More win. And if Cameron wins, we get another horrible, aggrandizing speech about how amazing he is, plus a little awkwardness about beating his ex-wife. This is exciting stuff to blog and comment about, folks. So, set your phasers (or hair-penises) to fun! The Baldwin Brother Steve Martin is hosting. Zzzzz. He’s funny and all, but he’s no Whoopi Goldberg! But at least there’s an unknown variable in play as beloved ornery uncle of the moment Alec Baldwin joins him as cohost. Will he bellow at people? Tell awkward political jokes? He and Martin are both SNL legends, so we’d imagine they’d work well together. Of course there was that whole It’s Complicated thing, which proves the two aren’t always dynamite together, but that was all Nancy Meyers’ fault. Here we’re talking about the comedy stylings of the Bruce Vilanches of the world. This could spell comedy gold. Plus, both men can sort of carry a tune. This hopefully means we will get Crystalian levels of opening number songsplosion. The Year of Death Every celebrity died last year, so that ought to make the In Memoriam segment extra touching. Who will win the applause-o-meter? We suppose it’s awfully gruesome to say we’re “excited” about this, so let’s say instead that we’re… curious. It was an especially brutal year in celebrity passings, and we have to assume that they’ll try to address that in some way. Or maybe they won’t! Which would be sort of interesting in its own right. So that’s what we’re anticipating. As fun as Oscar predicting is, all the blog buzz and E! chatter has made the whole game pretty easy at this point, so we’re not expecting too many actual awards surprises. Which is too bad. The predicting ruined the predicting. Meta?

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The Russian Jersey Shore Rip Off Is a Stupid Idea [Reality Check]

Posted on March 1, 2010 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Since it was the most important sociological event of our time (and a ratings success) there will inevitably be dozens of new reality shows trying to rip it off. Just stop now. These are always horrible ideas. Failing to see that there would be countless lame imitators is like failing to see that JWOWW’s boobs are fake or The Situation is going to try to lure loose, drunk women into his frothy hot tub of love for a little bit of sexin’. Brighton Beach sounds like the first entrant. Though it doesn’t have a network, the show’s creators are already casting . And based on what they told the NY Post today, it sounds like they’re sticking close to the script of gross ethnic stereotypes behaving badly next to the surf. “There will be plenty of vodka, techno music and guys wearing Adidas pants, leather jackets and gold chains, and driving souped-up cars. There will also be a lot of hot, decked-out Russian girls,” Elina Miller, the show co-creator says. And that’s not the worst, they’re already biting off the show’s nicknaming convention. “We’ve heard from ‘The Entity,’ ‘B-Boy’ and ‘Mr. OTB’ [Off The Boat],” another show creator, Alina Dizik, says. This is why this is a bad idea. Brighton Beach had the potential to be as big as Jersey Shore because it probably has everything we love about JS : young people reveling in their tackiness and scummy ways and behaving very, very badly in public. However, now it’s just going to try hard to copy the guidos road to success. They’ll all have silly nicknames, they’ll have a “Siberian Husky” phone, they’ll call their spot at the club the “revolutionary square” instead of the “battle field.” Instead of trying to be authentic (which is really what we love the most about Snooki and Co), they’re just going to try to be what they think the public wants. That’s not good programming, that’s just craven fame whoring. The problem with reality show rip-offs is that they try to run with the fever for the original product but they only end up stinking like so much Designer Imposters Body Spray. This is a long tradition in the genre and every successful reality show tries to become genre onto itself. After The Apprentice was huge we had to deal with The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best , Mark Cuban’s The Benefactor , and Martha Stewart ‘s very own ill-fated shot at finding a much-maligned second in command. The Deadliest Catch gave way to countless “perilous jobs” imitators like Ice Road Truckers , Black Gold , Swords , and Ax Men . Sometimes they even cannibalize themselves— Flavor of Love begat A Shot at Love begat I Love New York begat Rock of Love begat Scott Baio Needs Someone to Fuck begat The Gays Want Antonio Sabato Jr Back on TV . Reality television is like a retrovirus. Once a good strain is introduced it constantly tries to trick our collective immune system by changing in slightly different ways so that we can’t get rid of it. How else can you explain all the permutations of Real Housewives . The problem is, with each change it become exponentially weaker. The new shows will trick some of us, but not all of us, and the ones that are fooled won’t even like it, they’re just lulled into a safe place by easily recognizable programming. Well, it’s time that we offer the world a great big inoculation against this copy catting run amok. Stop trying to just make a few tweaks and cash in quickly—it never works as well as you think. Instead take some time and try to dream up a whole new strain. It’s certainly harder to come by, but it’s a million times more deadly. [ Image via Bauer-Griffin ]

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The Russian Jersey Shore Rip Off Is a Stupid Idea [Reality Check]

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