Tag Archives: public-relations

According to recent reports, pop sensation Justin Bieber is romantically linked to Selena Gomez. In reaction to this news, Molly Matthews (age 13) has written the following letter: Dear Justin Bieber, This is – make that was – like your number one fan and future common law wife, Molly Matthews. I heard somewhere that “bieber” is like German for “love.” That is so amazing. So amazing! I recently carved the word “bieber” on my bass clarinet to like express my love for my two favorite things: my bass clarinet and you. But somebody like decided to get like all “bieber” with Selena Gomez! My mom like told me that Selena Gomez is some sort of illegal alien. I don’t even know what that means, but I do know that she probably does not play the bass clarinet. Yesterday I like resigned as the President and Public Relations Specialist of the “Future Common Law Wives of Justin Bieber Club.” I started that club with like my best friend, Jenny Welch. Jenny thinks she’s like God’s gift to the Bieb. And she doesn’t like the name of the club because you can have only like one common law wife. And she’s allergic to peanuts. And she smells like sour milk. Well, you wanna know what I did? You wanna know?? I like made a shiv out of my Justin Bieber barrette (that I got at Wal-Mart, along with your nail polish, which is like totally amazing) and literally cut Jenny. Would Selena Gomez like do that for you? But Justin, I still like love that cute hair helmet of yours. It’s like you’re like a captain in the love military. And I am – make that was – like your prisoner of love. Wow, that last sentence was like awesome. And like every time someone says anything bad about you on the Facebook, I like totally stick up for you. Like that time when you beat up that boy at his laser tag birthday party. Or when you got all gangsta on that kitten. Or when you demanded that like all the monkeys in your zoo be given Bieber haircuts. Or when you were given hormone injections to like delay puberty. And when people were calling you a modern-day eunuch, which I don’t even know what that means but it sounds pretty gangsta. I was like there for you! Justin, you’re like such a good singer, especially when the mall has such good acoustics. And you’re like amazing, and so cute, and you don’t wear braces or have acne, and I’m pretty sure you play the bass clarinet, and your nail polish line is like totally dope (I’m picturing you right now in a gangsta lab coat as you stir chemicals into a beaker and you’re singing “Baby”), and you’re really gangsta, and you’re gonna win like two Oscars and a Grammy, and I like totally made you a bracelet out of my baby teeth, which my mom kept. So, why did you like divorce me? When I hear the phone ring, I think it’s you. But it’s usually the guidance counselor or Jenny. Or the police. You know what my wish is for like 2011? Have you ever like seen “Misery” starring the like ever versatile Kathy Bates? Did you know Kathy Bates like played the bass clarinet in junior high? Anyway, I will like rescue you from some crazy snow storm and feed you like some amazing soup and force you to write a love ballad about me. I don’t know if you can actually write, but it will be awesome. And you will also be my common law husband. Justin, just remember that you are like Samson and I am like your Delilah. But I won’t make you cut your hair helmet because it’s like totally amazing. Wait, I hate you… Whatev, Justin! I will like totally forgive you when you dump that illegal alien Selena Gomez. With Much Bieber, Molly Matthews 🙂 PS – like totally text me! PSS – I can like totally play “Baby” on my bass clarinet!

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