Tag Archives: Relationships

Dear Bossip: My Husband & His Sister Are Obsessed With Each Other & She’s Always With Us Even On Date Night

Posted on August 28, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’ve been married to my husband for 4 and a half years, and we have to kids. My problem is that my husband and his sister are obsessed with each other so much so that I want to leave him because he allows her to act like his wife and she does things I don’t approve of. She’s always been jealous of me because I have a family and she doesn’t. She would always say ugly things about me and be sarcastic toward me. But, most of the time I ignore it because I feel it’s childish and I respect my husband too much, but he turns a blind eye. She does things like answer questions when I’m asking him a question. Or, she mingles in when we are having a private conversation that does not require her input. She even tries to play mother to my kids sometimes. She plays mind games with him by saying things like he doesn’t have time for her now that his married. There’s never a time that we go anywhere without her. She has to act like wifey to make people think that. I asked my husband for some time alone with him, but he said “Never gonna happen.” He speaks about all of our business to her and she makes sure that she let’s me know about it. He talks a lot about her. He pushes me away from him when she walks in the room. And, I can’t decide if it’s just out of respect or what. He is also at fault many times, but I try to understand that they have no parents and their family abandoned them. He’s not treating me too well and he always cuts me off when I want to explain my side. I’m always wrong in his eyes. But, what is driving me too the divorce is the fact that I made an effort to take him out to be alone, and he had to invite her to where we were without telling me. So, I got upset because I think I realized that he will never be the husband I need him to be because I feel he doesn’t contribute to our marriage. He just told me that he has had enough and to leave. So, I feel like doing just that.  He won’t talk about his feelings or show me any affection, so I’m guessing he doesn’t love me. I’m also very worried about how my kids will deal with this. Please help. – My Husband And His Sister Dear Ms. My Husband And His Sister , Uhm, are you sure it’s his sister?!? Hello! Chile, by the way they are acting he and her both need the side eye with the lips pursed and the stank look. Ma’am, you’re better than me because I would have snatched her up and got her right together! And, in that order! Something isn’t right with this relationship, and I agree that they are a little too close for comfort. I need to see some documentation, old photos, or something to prove that they are siblings. What the hell type of incestuous relationship they got going on?!? Girl, is this woman sleeping in the same bed with y’all? I’m just asking. Ain’t no way in hell a woman should be that damn close to her brother. Sister or not, she needs to stay in her lane, and out of your marriage. But, I’m guessing that because they have no parents, and their family has abandoned them, that they’ve developed a bond in which they are totally reliant upon one another, and they both fear abandonment. Thus, they cling to one another in fear of losing one another. They’ve had no one else but each other, so unfortunately they have made each other dependent on one another. They have developed the mentality, “It’s us against the world. And, no one is going to keep us away from one another.” And, also, since they have no parents, and no other family members, she has become his surrogate mother. She has taken on the role of his mother, and may feel the need to be protective of him, which comes across as overbearing, overprotective, and incestuous. So, married or not, he is not going to let his sister go. She is his rock, and his shelter. She is his voice of reason, and go to person for times of trouble. And, vise versa he is those things for her. Remember, they’ve always been dependent on one another before you came into the picture. I’m certain they told one another that no matter what happens or what’s going on that they will never let anyone come into their lives and replace the other. And, that includes you. I’m surprised that he got married, and was able to have a family. This woman sounds like the type who will try to have your children sucking on her tit trying to breast feed them, and cutting you out of the pictures of their photo album and replacing her face with yours. Watch that woman! But, the more important factor about all of this is the fact that when you asked your husband for some time alone he told you, “Never gonna happen.” That right there should have been your clue to exit stage left. But, what’s more disturbing is that he pushes you away from him when she enters the room. The hell!!??!! So, he can’t show you any affection in front of her? Uhm, that is bizarre and weird. Hell, the next time he does it just reach down and grab his d**k and look her in her face and yell, “This is mine! It belongs to me.” LMBAO! Honestly, I’m rationalizing the reason he pushes you away from him is that it could because she may feel a certain type of way, or he may feel a way about it. It may be uncomforting, and/or he may feel ashamed by showing affection to another woman. But, nonetheless, you are his wife, and for him to push you away only shows his disregard, and disrespect of you. If he can’t respect and honor you in front of her, then he will never respect and honor you. GET OUT! And, look here, if he is choosing his sister over you, telling her all your business, inviting her on your date nights without your consent, and he’s not willing to communicate with you, has stopped showing you affection and love, and he has told you that he’s had enough and for you to leave, then, ma’am, it’s time to leave! Hell, I’ll be damned if I’m in a relationship with someone, and married to them, and they are always choosing their sibling over me. This is when you step in and say, “Look here, I know you both are special to one another, and y’all are family and everything, but, err, uhm, this –ish is going to cease with you telling them all of our business, and you can’t show me any affection and love because they will get jealous. And, I’ll be damned if you’re going to invite them on our date night without my consent. So, if you and your sibling need that much time together, then I’ll make this easy for the both of you. You can both have each other. I’m throwing up the deuces, and I’m taking your a** for everything. The house, the car, and all your damn money.” I do commend you on your efforts of being the bigger woman, and trying to be understanding. You’ve gone to your husband with your concerns. You’ve expressed how you feel, and you’ve gone above and beyond by being respectful to his sister, and not engaging her in her little childish antics. Yet, he doesn’t acknowledge, or see anything wrong with their relationship. And, she isn’t grown enough, or woman enough to know her place and position in this situation, so, therefore you have to make an adult decision, and re-evaluate the past four and a half years and ask yourself do you want to spend the next four, ten, or fifteen years dealing with this. Do you want to have to fight for your husband’s affection and love? Are you willing to put up with him always choosing her over you? Are you willing to share your husband with another woman, and who will always have his heart, mind, and soul? The bond between them is one you will never be able to develop between you and he because he has already decided that his sister means more to him than anything. It’s time to create an action plan, and get to moving. Ask your husband if he wants to seek counseling, therapy, or a marriage counselor to get to the root and issue of his relationship with his sister, and how it is affecting your marriage. If he doesn’t want to take you up on your offer, then it’s time to consult a lawyer, and figure out how you want to handle child support, and custody. He’s told you to leave, and he’s had enough. If he’s fed up and has told you to leave, then he has checked out of the marriage. He doesn’t want to save it. You’re going to have to pull it together emotionally and mentally. Be strong, and know it has nothing to do with you. You’ve done all you could. You’ve worked hard, and gave all your love. Now, it’s time to love you, and your children enough to walk away and save yourself. He and his sister have a bizarre and unusual relationship, and they both need serious help. And, unfortunately it has come at the detriment of your marriage. Good luck! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!               

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Dear Bossip: My Husband & His Sister Are Obsessed With Each Other & She’s Always With Us Even On Date Night

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Modern Dads Review: A Good Day at the Office?

Posted on August 22, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Modern Dads, which premiered last night after another highly-rated episode of Duck Dynasty on A&E, is like its lead-in in many respects. It’s obviously family-oriented, comedic but heartwarming, relatable but slightly over the top, and in the gray area between scripted and reality. But does that make it a watchable show? Modern Dads Clip – Princess Party The four guys take good care of their children, to be sure, and don’t recoil in abject terror at the sight of things like dirty diapers, a la bad sitcoms. There are tons of moments on Modern Dads , like in life, where all you can do is shake your head, laugh or nod in a “been there” kind of way. Yet one can’t help but wonder if it would be better as an actual reality show, not just a comedic insight into the lives of men taking on “mom” roles. For many families, both parents play equal, or at least major, roles getting their kids to daycare or school on time, making dinner, and working. Both parents pitching in is not a novelty, but a necessity in tough economic times – something the folks on this show don’t have to worry about. So in that sense, this quartet of stay-at-home Modern Dads , ironically, may actually not be as representative of modern life as the title implies. That said, despite the obviously scripted talking heads and attempts to borrow from Modern Family , you have to give the dads credit where due. They’re not capturing the big picture in some transcendent behind-the-scenes look at parenting or family structures. But they do seem like good parents! Did you watch Modern Dads? And do you agree? Comment below!

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Dear Bossip: He Promised To Get A Divorce After She Got Out Of Prison, Now He Says He Can’t Afford It

Posted on August 22, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , For the past three years I’ve been dating this man and we have an 8-month old child together. He’s constantly asking for a stronger commitment from me, and at first I obliged. But, now after all of the events that have transpired, I’m not even sure if I even want to continue being with this man. Let me start from the beginning. At first it was like a match made in heaven. We fell for each other hard and fast. He had 3 children from a previous marriage, and since the mother was incarcerated I thought nothing of it. After 6 months he proposed and we were planning our wedding and life together. I was recently divorced at the time so I was a little apprehensive about jumping into another marriage, especially if I had to deal with baby mama drama. We moved in together a year into the relationship. We had to put the wedding on hold due to financial issues. The move was a bit of a wake-up call because I found myself being a mother to his children, being that they lived with us full-time. One day, 5 months into the pregnancy, I was cleaning out our room, and found letters that his children’s mom had written him. And, to my surprise, from these letters, I had discovered that they were still married. I confronted him about it and he assured me that once she got out he would file for divorce. Well, she got out. Took me through so much drama that I can’t bare to put it in the letter. She constantly called me, harassed me on Facebook, and via email. Here it is almost a year later and they are still married. They only interact when she calls for the kids. At first she wouldn’t agree to the divorce, but now she is. However, now he’s claiming that he doesn’t have the money for a divorce. My question is, should I leave him or continue to wait like a sitting duck? I love him but it’s really getting old. I honestly don’t even want to marry him anymore because I know that the ex will always be in my life if I do. I feel bad that my child won’t grow up with her father in the household, but is it really worth my sanity? – Ms. Sitting Duck Dear Ms. Sitting Duck , Ugh! (Screams with a bellowing Noooooooooooooooo!) You women and this, “I love him, but….” You are not in love. It is lust, or strong like disguised as love. Love is not foolish and naïve. It is not being blind to obvious ills, wrongs, and warnings. Love protects, cares, nurtures, and supports. So, the better question is do you love yourself? And, if you say that you love yourself, then would you make these foolish mistakes, or would you love yourself enough to say, “You know what, I love me and I know what’s good for me. And, this is not good for me.” So, now, I guess you can consider this a lesson learned, huh? (Side-eyeing you). Girl, the real tea and shade is that this man was so anxious to propose, and move you in with him because he needed some help with his three kids. His wife was incarcerated, and he was left with raising three kids, alone. Hmmm, now that should have raised an eyebrow. So, in his panic, he says, “I need somebody to help me with these kids because I can’t quit my job. This is a full-time job of cooking, cleaning, caring, and taking care of three kids. It’s too much. I need a woman to help me with this.” Therefore, he was only looking for a woman to care for him and his kids. He was not interested in finding a mate, partner, or soul partner. Girl, he duped you into believing he wanted you and you fell for it. This is a lesson for all you women out there who are dating, or potentially will date any man who claims to be divorce. Ask to see the divorce papers. You want to see some proof he is no longer married. Make sure it has an official seal on it, with some appropriate court, and judge’s signature. Hell, I will take it a bit further and get any verification of his financial commitments to her post-divorce. Is he paying alimony, child support, or if she is on any of his insurance plans, car notes, or cell phone plans? Find out if he is sending her money, or if she is benefitting from him financially and in what capacity. If you don’t, then you will find yourself in a trick bag, and the ole okey doke line of, “I can’t afford it.” Or, “I’m broke.” And, “Financially it is not a good time for me right now.” More importantly, if he is recently divorced, and he has children, then you need to ask yourself if you are ready to be a mother. Are you ready to care for children that are not your own? Do you want to deal with baby momma drama? These are real questions you need to ask yourself before dating any divorced or single man who is caring for his own children. Because with him comes his children, just like a man taking on a woman with children. If this is something you do not desire or wish to be a part of, then move on, and find someone who is divorced or single with no children. But, I’m not letting you off the hook because you had apprehensions throughout this relationship, yet, you moved forward. Why? Why did you ignore your gut, intuition, and that little voice advising you that this was not a good idea? Where you caught up in the attention, affection, and good loving he was providing you? Did you allow your judgment to be blurred by the, “I got a good man who is taking care of his three kids while their mother is incarcerated. So, he must be good enough for me.” Ma’am, the truth is that he lied about his divorce. He deceived you into thinking he was no longer married. He manipulated you into moving in with him and playing house. You are taking care of him and his children. So, what are you getting out of this? What benefit do you get from this relationship? What is he bringing to the table? And, honestly, you are living with a married man. How about that trick bag!?! Then, he lies and tells you that once the mother of his children is released from prison that he will get a divorce. Welp, she is released, and it’s over a year later, and now he is crying that he can’t afford it. But, this is not the first time a financial situation has come up. Weren’t you supposed to get married before, but all of a sudden a financial situation prevented you from getting married? Yeah, he realized that his lie about him being divorced would be discovered, so he threw a monkey wrench in that plan, and gave you some song and dance about money. Now, that his wife is out of jail, but he promised to get a divorce, and all of sudden he can’t afford it. I just want you to notice how this financial situation seems to conveniently arise at the right times. Hmph. Sips tea and glances at the morning news show. This is moment and opportunity to create a dialogue, communication, and action plan with your man. You can be honest with him about your feelings, how he’s hurt you, how this situation has made you feel distrustful of him, and you didn’t sign up for this drama. Then, you can set a time line for him to get a divorce from his wife. Within the next three months he has consulted a lawyer. Six months, they have filed the paperwork for divorce, and by the end of the year, the papers are signed, and he is legally divorced. (By the way, he is not going to divorce her. I’m just saying.) Or, you can move out, get a place for you and your child, put him child support, and tell him to get his life in order, fix his situation, and once it’s resolved then maybe, just maybe, you will reconsider your relationship with him, and if you want to move forward. Stop acting powerless, and as if you don’t have a voice in this. You do. He lied to you. He deceived you into this situation. If anything he owes you lots of apologies, an explanation, and to start being honest and truthful with you. Don’t let him off this easy. Take back your power, and own your life. It’s time to set a plan of action, stick to your plan, and be proactive. If you keep sitting like a duck, then how do you expect to become the beautiful swan? – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!              Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: We Were Homeless While I Was Pregnant & I Moved Home & Offered Him To Come But He Declined

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , I have been with my man for 2 ½ years now, and I am 9 months pregnant with both of our first child. I am 22-years old and he is 23-years old. When I found out I was pregnant we decided to relocate from Tennessee to Kansas to better provide for the baby. However, a combination of bad luck and bad choices had us living in a car until I was 8 months pregnant. I’ve truly been through hell and back with this man by my side. He had no motivation to work and what money he came up with he spent on drugs. I consistently worked throughout the pregnancy, but we could never get on our feet on my minimum wage paychecks. He’s repeatedly tried to cheat. He’s sneaky, disrespectful and lies. He talks bad about me, and he puts his friends and drugs above me. He doesn’t even stick up for me or the baby in front of his family. He has been in and out of jail in Kansas for domestic violence against me. As cliché as this sounds, I stayed because I truly love him and thought we’d work through it. I believe the drugs turned him into a monster and the pregnancy hormones turned me into a bish. His only redeeming quality as a father is during the last weeks I was with him he was staying off the drugs, paying more attention to me and the baby, and overall trying to be a good provider. As my due date crept closer we were literally on the streets and I decided I would not be homeless with a baby for any reason. I decided to go back home to Tennessee. Conditions of his costly 1year probation included he could not leave the state and a strict no-contact order between me and him, so we decided the best thing would be for him to accept a shorter 4 month jail sentence and get it over with. Therefore, he will miss the birth next week and the first months of her life. The problem is before I left Kansas we made a plan. He was supposed to get out of jail and come to Tennessee to be with us. I am supposed to start college in January 2014 and he was going to work and watch the baby to cut back on child care costs. I already bought his bus ticket and have a place for us to stay. So, imagine my surprise when I talked to him on the phone and he’s decided he wants to stay in Kansas after he gets out and work with some of the guys he’s met in jail, no matter the fact that he’ll be homeless when he is released. At first he said he would come to Tennessee after he could get a car, but then decided he wants to get an apartment up there and send for us. Who knows how long that would take, but more importantly what type of man voluntarily misses out on time with his first baby like that? Plus, he knows my campus is in my hometown, so I can’t just move away like that. I’ve asked him to at least visit his child with the bus ticket, and he’s being shady about giving me an answer. A part of me feels selfish because I refuse to leave Tennessee where I have support and school. So, why should I hold him back from being in Kansas and getting his life on track? On the other side, I’m mad that I can take care of my business with a baby to raise, but he gets to stay up there and do it without her. What solution is there? I know he can’t cope with the physical part of long-distance, so I just want to end it. Honestly, I would die if my daughter were to date a guy like this. So my question is of loyalty. Is it wrong to leave him while he’s in jail? Should I continue to stay by his side during his incarceration and tell him when he’s free? I am the only one who is still here for him or will have any kind of contact with him. I pay for the phone calls, put money on his books and send mail. I’ve been loyal to this man the whole 2 ½ years and wanted to marry him one day. Now I’m a single parent and ready to move on. – He Says One Thing But Does Another Dear Ms. He Says One Thing But Does Another , I don’t know what the issue is. You’ve already decided what you’re going to do. So, just leave him. Why prolong this and draw it out? And, why in the hell would you stay by his side while he is incarcerated and tell him when he’s free? Get the –ish over with today and be done with him. He’s made his choice and decided on what he’s going to do, so why are you trying to be a ride or die chick, holding him down while he is incarcerated, and sending him money to put on his books and accepting his phone calls? I swear the hood –ish will never get old. Your man of  two and half years has decided he is going to stay in Kansas, where he has done nothing but get into trouble, and now has a record because of his antics, has no home, no car, no job, and no means to make an income. And, you’ve offered him a bus ticket home, a place to stay, support to get back on his feet, and a chance for him to be with his child. Yet, he chose Kansas. I don’t understand some of the decisions and choices folks make when, especially dumba** choices that will jeopardize their livelihood, and well-being, but they are so stuck on stupid and can’t make rational choices because of their inept mental and emotional well-being. SMDH! Let’s look at the facts ma’am. 1.) Your man has a drug problem. There is nothing you can do for him. And, you do not want that type of person around your child, and to be left alone with your child. What happens when you’re at school and he comes across some money and he needs his drug fix, so in his impaired judgment he leaves the child alone to “run up the street for a minute,” to get his drugs? Then what? You can lose your child to Child Protective Services because your drug addict boyfriend can’t make rational choices due to his drug use. That is not a healthy environment to bring up a child in, nor is it a conducive environment to leave your child alone with a drug addict, despite him being the father. 2.) You worked, he did not, does not, and probably never will. You got a place to live for your family, and he’s coming to live with him, however, he still won’t have a job, no money, and no way to provide for you and the child. You want to be a responsible parent, and he wants to stay in Kansas and play. He’s sneaky, lies, talks bad about you, and repeatedly tries to cheat. And, you want to stay with him because……? (I’ll wait while you ponder this) 3.) And, he’s not a good father, so stop lying to yourself and to anyone who will listen. This man had you, pregnant in another state, with no place to live, and you were homeless. How is that a good provider? How is he taking care of you and his child, and preparing to be a good father if you’re struggling, dealing with his new prison record which will further make him unable to get a job because of his record? Please explain to me how a man who will decide to leave his girl and child to go and work with some men he met in jail. Really! Really? He’s going to work with some men he met in jail? Bwahahahahahahaha! Girl, stop! 4.) The man has assaulted you while you were pregnant, and has been in and out jail for domestic violence. Sigh! You women won’t stop chasing these silly a** little boys, and babying them and nurturing them like you’re their mothers, despite the physical abuse. The man has put hands on you. There is no reason, no need, and no redeeming factor to stay with a man who puts their hands on you. If he does it now, he will continue to do it. And, if you stay then just know that he will eventually do more physical harm to you, and we’ll be hearing about you on the news. And, your child will grow up parentless. So, stop taking his phone calls and running up your phone bill. Stop sending him money, and stop writing him. As a matter of fact write him off! End this tumultuous relationship and get yourself together. Go back to school, lean on your support system to help you with your child, and empower yourself. You’re young and have the entire world ahead of you. Dream bigger for you and your child. You can do anything you put your mind to, and you don’t need someone bringing you down and wearing you down in the process. You are not his mother, his provider, or his wife. Stop trying to make him do better, and be the man you want him to be. He is not going to change. As you build yourself, grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually you will look back at him and the experience and see it as a stepping stone and blessing to where you’re going. Use your experience with him as a way to look back and tell yourself that you will never get back into that situation ever again, or even date a man like him ever again! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!             Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: I’m Attractive, I Have Four Degrees & A Great Career, But I Can’t Find That One Guy

Posted on August 8, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I just read your response to “Dumb Educated Bird,” and it really touched me. I can somewhat relate to her story! I’m an Ivy League alumni with four degrees and I’m making almost six figures as a 27 year old. My issue is that I’m in my 20s, not married, no kids, and live alone. I am an attractive female, but I tend to attract men who I cannot relate with. I tend to attract very handsome BASIC men (e.g. high school dropouts, no college education, the unemployed, drug addicts, gangsters, baby daddies, minimum wage working men, etc), UGLY educated men, or non-black educated men. I also attract professional actors, athletes, and artists. I remain friends with some of these men because I know in my heart I will never be emotionally attached to them because I cannot relate to them and they’re just not my type. I find myself VERY attracted to corporate black men because we share so much in common (e.g. work ethic, career goals, education, ambition, morals, etc). I met a couple, but they were either into non-black woman, “suspect,” married, or had a girlfriend. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in seven years and it’s starting to bother me. I just don’t want to settle for something less and end up like “Dumb Educated Bird.” What would be your advice? – Lonely Girl Dear Ms. Lonely Girl, This is perplexing, and I know the dating scene may seem daunting and cumbersome, however, I wonder if your standards may be too high, or, if you’re not willing to expand your dating horizons. Granted, you deserve to have a man to match you on every level (e.g. work ethic, career goals, education, ambition, morals, etc.), however, what happens when a man doesn’t meet one of your requirements? Do you quickly throw him to the waste side because he’s lacking in one area? What if he doesn’t have four degrees, but have two? What if his career goals are not to be CEO, but he is content being a senior level manager? What if he doesn’t want to have children? What if he has all of the requirements but may be slightly overweight, not that attractive, or non-black? I think if you relax on your expectations that you will meet some really great men, and who knows what they may bring to the table. Yes, you deserve quality, and if they are quality men, then why discount them if he is blue collar worker? You didn’t mention what city you lived in, and how you tend to meet these handsome BASIC men, but I wonder if it has something to do with where you’re socializing. I’m sure that a very attractive woman such as yourself with an Ivy League education, four degrees, making nearly six figures, with no kids, living alone, and not married must be socializing in the Hamptons, Martha’s Vineyard, or perhaps the Cayman Islands. I know the number of invitations you receive to high society events at various museums, Operas, charity balls, and black tie events surely must introduce you to some very handsome, smart, educated, career-oriented, ambitious, available corporate black men. (I’m being snarky). These Hollywood movies are going to get some of you women in trouble. I swear you watch these movies and think that is how life really is. The beautiful executive woman meets a gorgeous handsome corporate man and fall in love and live happily ever after. Hold out for that if you want, and you will continue to find yourself alone. So, here’s what you can do: All of those men you have as friends that you were not attracted to, well, I’m certain they have male friends. If you receive an invitation to hang out with any one of them and a group of his friends, then invite some of your girl friends and go hang out. It will open your access to the dating pool of men, and you never know who he may know, or who one of his friends may happen to bring with them. Next, don’t discount non-black men. Keep your options open. Love doesn’t come in colors, so to eliminate a pool of available men based on color only limits you. Besides, there is nothing wrong with dating men of various races and ethnicities. Even if it doesn’t work out, if they are corporate men and very successful, then I’m certain they may have friends who are black. And, who knows what access he may have to available attractive black men. So, don’t limit yourself. Then, I don’t know what’s wrong with the artists, athletes, and actors. Rapper Ludacris is dating an educated smart woman who is not in the industry. They seem to have a great relationship, and appear to be in love. Besides, I know most artists, athletes, and actors prefer to date someone who is not in their field. Now, some athletes, well, yeah, they love attention, and tend not to be monogamous. However, again, keep in mind that they have friends, especially if they are successful in their own careers. I’m sure they socialize and know of some successful, smart, and educated men who are available. Finally, change your social scene. Expand your horizons, and attend more events where you are most likely to meet successful, corporate, educated men. I’m certain there are a plethora of men you can find at these events, and gatherings. There are plenty of smart, educated, and good looking men in various historically black fraternities, and they are active in the graduate chapters of these fraternities. And, I’m certain they host a number of events throughout the year in your city. Also, historically black sororities tend to host events, and many men attend these events as well. Check out these gatherings, parties, and events. And, I strongly suggest partnering and volunteering with corporate companies that are active in communities. Many men come out for these volunteer opportunities. And, finally, it’s time to attend some of the philanthropic and humanitarian events. These tend to bring out the elite, rich, educated, and society people. The man you seek may very well be in one of these places. But, it’s up to you to put yourself out there and open your horizons. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!             

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Dear Bossip: I’m Attractive, I Have Four Degrees & A Great Career, But I Can’t Find That One Guy

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Dear Bossip: My Man Has A Drinking Problem & He Curses Me Out & Doesn’t Remember Anything

Posted on August 7, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , I have some issues with my younger boyfriend. Ok here goes: I am 34 years old and my boyfriend of 5 ½ months is 26 years old. Recently, it has come to light he has a drinking problem. When we first met we would chill and have a few drinks together and it was cool. No problems, none of that. Well, all that changed in the last 2 months. Mind you that at 26 years old he is doing alright for himself compared to other dudes. He works full-time, has his own place, and takes care of the 2 kids he has on a regular basis. Now, with that being said here is the problem: Every day after work he gets drunk. And, after he finishes drinking he will call and come over and when he gets to my house he is very disrespectful to me. He has called me names (bish), u know the one name that will get you cut, LOL. He likes to say I don’t do -ish for him, and the things he does for me he says I don’t appreciate it. And, the list goes on. Now, the kicker is the next day when he sobers up and I am mad at him he ALWAYS wonders why and says he doesn’t remember any of it and apologizes. Now, my problem is I don’t know what to do because I like him a lot, and when he is sober everything is good. I don’t know if I should stick around and try to help him, or should I say “F” it and keep it moving. Please help me on how to handle this situation. I really do like him and want to work on it and see where things go, but I’m not the one to sit back and just allow a man to talk crazy to me and take it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. – Loving A Drunk Youngster Dear Ms. Loving A Drunk Youngster , SMDH! Ma’am, please get out of this relationship IMMEDIATELY! Do not wait, do not hold out, and do not stick around thinking you can change him, help him, or “like” him through his addiction. He has an addiction problem, and you cannot fix him. Point blank! And, I don’t care if he has a job, his own place, and takes care of his two kids, he is what you will call a functioning alcoholic. He will remain in denial because if he can do all of this and take care of things and still go to work, then he doesn’t think or feel he has a problem. PLEASE GET OUT! I’m curious as to what is there to work on? He’s an alcoholic who is in denial about his drinking problem. What can you work on? And, what do you mean you don’t know what to do because you like him? Ma’am, it’s been nearly six months and this man has already shown you who he is. Get the “F” out of the relationship! HELLO!  You know what, since you playing dumb and don’t know what to do, how about you go to the corner liquor store and pick up an alcoholic and take him home and start a relationship with him. Ain’t no difference between your man and the corner liquor store man. Stop justifying his –ish! And, why stick around? He calls you out of your name, he’s been drunk during the entire relationship, he doesn’t remember what he does after his binge drinking, and I’m sure he doesn’t even remember most of the sex you’ve had, or most of the things you’ve discussed or talked about in regards to your relationship. He’s not even coherent. So, please help me to understand what is there to work on, why are you still there, and why are you putting up with this? UGH! I don’t understand how you claim that you don’t sit back and just allow a man to talk crazy to you and take it. Yet, you’re doing it! And, then you claim when he calls you out of your name and calls you a bish, that it is the one thing that will get someone cut. Yet, you put LOL after the statement. What’s funny about a man who gets so inebriated that he curses you out, tells you what you don’t do for him, and how you don’t appreciate him, and lord knows what else he says, and you are still sitting up there pouting with your arms folded mad at him the next day because he doesn’t remember? Girl, I can’t! Did you really read your own letter and see what you wrote? Did you take the time to reflect on your situation and say to yourself, “You know what, this man is a drunk. He is an alcoholic. He berates me. He demeans me. He makes me feel like –ish. He even calls me out of my name. What is healthy about this? What woman in her right mind would sit back and let a man treat her like this? What woman would feel so low that she would not muster the courage to get out of an unhealthy situation knowing and seeing the signs of someone who is abusive and has a drinking problem?” Look here, you cannot help someone who does not want to help their own self. If he doesn’t recognize he has a problem, then there is nothing you can do. You cannot make him go to AA, or any drinking rehab unless he first acknowledges he has a drinking problem. And, even then it will be a life-long ongoing treatment for him. Regardless of how much you like him, it is not your problem, and it is not up to you to stick around to see him through it. He has to do the work, and heal himself. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing, then please do not stick around waiting on him to see he has a problem. Besides, he doesn’t respect or love himself because I can only imagine that if he is drinking to the point of blacking out and not remembering what happened the day before, then I don’t know how he can care for his two children, and he is left alone with them. He is putting his children at danger, which should tell you that he does not care about anyone, and he is selfish. He would put everyone else’s life at danger with his drinking. What happens when you are out and he is driving? What then? What happens when he begins to berate you in public, or embarrass himself, then what? What happens when he becomes physically, then what? I strongly urge you to get out of the relationship today. And, I want you to do some soul searching and look within yourself to get to the core of why you choose to stay in this relationship. Knowing what you know, what you have experienced, and why you allow someone to treat you this way, then what does this say about you? How low is your self-esteem, and why are you allowing this to go on? Also, stop thinking you can fix him, or help him. YOU CAN’T!!! Again, why are you letting this go on and allowing this man to talk to you crazy, any kind of way, and show little respect to you? Answer those questions and then hopefully you will be able to muster the little strength you have, and the little dignity you have to walk away and leave the drunkard on the sidewalk where you found him. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!              Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: My Ex’s Girlfriend Is Violent & I Don’t Want Our Child Near Her So I Gave Him An Ultimatum

Posted on August 6, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , My child’s father and I were together for over 8 years. I met him while we were both stationed overseas in the Navy. We have not been together for over 2 years. But, I’m not writing about why our relationship failed. We have a 5 year old son that we co-parent. We have learned that we are better as friends and have agreed that we will raise our son together. One morning he texted me and told me, “Good morning,” and, “Have a good day.” This is common so I thought nothing of it. Later on that day he called me and told me not to respond to the text. When I asked him why he told me that he left his Ipad at one of the female’s house that he is currently seeing. We both have Iphones and Ipads, so with the Imessage being linked to the Ipad, it will send your text conversation to the Ipad. Seeing that he left the Ipad over to the female’s house, she was able to see what he texted me. He told me don’t reply to any text message I receive from him until he gets his Ipad. I told him that I did not reply to text message anyway. And, that was the end of the conversation. Later on that night he called me and told me that him and the female got into an argument about him texting me good morning. He told me that she was chasing him around with a knife and a cinder block around the house in front of her 4 children. I told him that was unacceptable and that if he valued his life and wanted to see his son into manhood that he would need to stop seeing her. I feel that any person that you are in a relationship with, male or female, that will cause you bodily harm then you don’t need to be with them. He agreed and that was the end of the conversation. That next night he called me and asked for a favor. He wanted me to talk to the female because she wanted to ask me something. I immediately told him NO! I told him that there is nothing that we needed to discuss. And I hung up. He called back later and asked to Facetime with our son. He talked to our son for a while and then asked to speak to me. While we were talking all of a sudden the female comes on speaker phone out of nowhere. I couldn’t believe it!! I was too upset. I felt that he set me up because he knew I would not talk to the female. Then she starts asking me about how much he texts me, and why she couldn’t come to our son’s party and a whole lot of other mess. I simply listened to her rant and rave about this and that. After she was done I told her in a calm voice that I don’t argue with people and that there was nothing for us to talk about. And, that I communicate with him for our child, just as I’m sure she talks with all of her 4 baby daddies. And, that what we talk about has nothing to do with her unless she is going to start helping out financial with our child. And with that I hung up the phone. My question is this: After all of this I told him that if he was going to bring his mess with his females to me then he does not even need to call, or even to speak to our child. I don’t like drama and when it is brought to me I shut it down. I don’t deal with it. I have been told that I am wrong for telling him not to call or have him around her. And, I told him anyone that is threatening to kill him and chase him around with a knife then they don’t need to be around my child. I mean if she feels that it’s acceptable for her to do it in front of her children then that’s her. But, in front of mines, no, it will not go down like that. And, lord forbids there is a time that she actually kills him. Was I wrong for giving him the ultimatum of? It’s either her, or our son. – It’s Her Or Our Child Dear Ms. It’s Her Or Our Child , Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am! This right here! Yassss! I don’t blame you! You shut that –ish down quick, fast, and in a hurry! Werk momma! And, I feel like you, I don’t have time to sit around arguing with folks, nor divulging in drama or stress. Ain’t nobody dealing with all that –ish, and especially not when it involves your children. Hell to the naw! So, yes, you did the right thing by telling your ex and his woman that what goes on between you and he has nothing to do with her, and particularly it has nothing to do with your child unless she is contributing financially to his well-being. Other than that, she needs to stay in her place and in her lane. There is no reason she needs to have conversations with you. For the hell what? What’s going on between he and her is between he and her and has nothing to do with you, just like your child and what goes on between you and he has nothing to do with her. She needs to learn how to stay in her place. Also, she doesn’t need to be at your son’s party. Why? For what? It’s a child’s party for your son and his family. She is your ex’s girlfriend. She needs to slow her damn roll and your ex needs to make sure to put her in her place. She just wants to come and be in your business, and to meet you. And, she wants to flaunt herself around the party that she is in his life. Uhm, she can have several side chick seats on the sideline. But, as you can see she is unstable and mentally and emotionally unhealthy. And, definitely when someone displays signs of being physically abusive, then it is time to go! Why would you want your child in that environment? If she will chase your ex around the house with a knife and cinder block in front of her children, then there is nothing to prevent her from doing something like that in front of your child. So, no, unless you arrange supervised visitations, then don’t leave your child with him and that woman. Who knows what she is capable of doing, and what will set her off. Yeah, you don’t play when it comes to your child, and she is threatening physical violence. I don’t know if you have child support arranged, or how you are handling your visitations, but I strongly encourage you to arrange with the courts to have supervised visitations, and explain to the court what happened and why you feel your child will not be safe in her home, and why you don’t want your child left alone with them. That will resolve that matter. And, your ex needs to get a handle on his home front and situation quick, fast, and in a hurry. This woman is going to do nothing but try to cause havoc and chaos in his and your life. And, I don’t blame you. Don’t get caught up in his drama and his mess. He’s trying to wrangle you in by having you talk with her to resolve the issues he’s created with her. Sorry, but, err uhm, he’s got to be a big boy and hold his own. You handled the situation classy and tactfully. You informed both he and her that you don’t engage in arguments and drama. You will not entertain her insecurities, nor his requests to appease her or his relationship. And, why would he even think it’s okay to call you up and talk with her? You are not in high school. You are grown folks. And, if she is that insecure about what he’s doing and who he’s texting, then perhaps she doesn’t need to be with him! So, don’t get caught up in their mess. Explain to him how you won’t get involved, and for him to not involve you with their drama. You had a good arrangement up until then, and if he can’t handle that then you will get the courts involved, and the courts will help resolve it for you. Also, remain in communication with your ex about the best ways to have visitation because you want him to be involved in his child’s life, but you are not allowing your child to be with them, particularly her, alone. Unfortunately, you can’t control who he dates, but, you can work out some type of arrangement of how and the type of environment you feel is best suitable for your child to be exposed to. And, explain to him why you feel the way you do. I’m sure you can work something out. But, you are doing the right thing, and I commend you on being a grown woman and not engaging in your ex’s girlfriend silly and immature tactics. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!            Continue reading →

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Jennifer Hudson Jokes About Simon Cowell Being A “Baby Daddy” [Video]

Posted on August 1, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

The former “American Idol” offers Simon Cowell some hilarious advice after hearing he will be a father at the 2013 Do Something Awards. youtube eentertainment Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: My Brother’s Fellow Cop Friend Initially Showed Interest In Me, But Now He’s M.I.A.

Posted on August 1, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , I hope this finds you well. I have a situation. I met my brother’s friend at his graduation party. My brother is a cop. His friend is a detective. Intelligent guy, fun, and frisky. After the graduation party, he asked me out for a drink. We talked, laughed, and didn’t want the night to end (He is 35-years old and I’m 33-years old). He went in and kissed me that evening. It threw me off as I thought that was a bit ballsy. But, I liked it. He proceeded to call me the next 3 days. We had open conversation. We ended up having phone sex. Then he goes away for a weekend and really stopped calling. I assumed he would be asking to hang. Nothing. Small texts here and there. Two weeks later he came to see me at my job, as he works close by. We had a brief 15 minute encounter. Following that, two days later, he called at 9:30pm on a Friday night. Now of course I didn’t pick up as it was 9:30 at night and we had no plans for a date. But, I called him back and left a voice mail. Nothing. Well, it’s been about 3 weeks and nothing. I called him out of the blue the other day, and in a playful way I said, “Is this what we doing? All this radio silence.” His reply was, “Hahahahha.” With this being said, there was much chemistry, attraction, great conversation, and all the elements to start something. Why would he pull away? Is it that he is my brother’s friend and doesn’t want to start something if he is not serious?  Maybe he’s not into me, but looking for a fling and thought twice about it. I asked my brother if he has a girlfriend, and my brother told me no, but that he has women. I’m confused. Why would he go in the first week, come visit a week after and completely no interaction since? Any advice on how I should approach this?? – Confused With Mixed Signals Dear Ms. Confused With Mixed Signals , I swear I’m going to change my identity to the Wizard and start giving out brains. This can’t be life in 2013 and folks can’t get a clue, hint, or smell –ish when it’s right under their nose. I bet if a bird landed on your head and perched a nest and pecked gently on your head to nudge you to wake the hell up, you would still miss the clues. SMDH! The man is not interested. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. He isn’t interested in seeking anything with you other than probably, and I’m stretching here, the possibility of getting into your pants, blowing out your back, and moving on without any commitments. But, he can’t do that because 1.) You are the sister of his friend, and they both happen to be cops. So, perhaps there is a code among them not to get involved with fellow cop family members. 2.) You wouldn’t know how to handle just being a booty call because he knows you will develop feelings, want to take it further, and if and when it ends it will cause tension with him and your brother. 3.) If you and he did have a fling you wouldn’t know how to keep your mouth shut because I’m sensing, like he is, that you will get all up in your feelings and emotions and start blabbing your mouth. (Re-read your letter for clues and insights on that). If a man is interested in a woman he will make the effort, and will make his intentions known. He won’t disappear for days on end, not call, or text here and there. He won’t show up on your job because you are conveniently close by, and visit for 15 minutes, then you don’t hear from him from days on end. Also, if he would show up at your job, and he is interested, then he would bring flowers, a card, or some token of affection. He did not. Yeah, the gesture of him showing up was nice, but he was empty handed. I’m just saying. Then, he called you on a Friday night at 9:30pm. Uhm, sweetie, let’s just be real and call this what it is, a booty call. He was trying to set up some a** for that night. Why would he call on a Friday night, and you didn’t have plans earlier, or prior to meet? I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was probably calling to see if you would be interested in getting together some time that weekend. But, let’s not fool ourselves here. When you went to return the call, you got his voicemail. And, he still hasn’t returned the call. So, I guess I was correct in my assumption that he was calling to set up some a** for the night. Again, I’m just saying. Next, three weeks have gone by without you hearing from you. And, you call him and playfully (But, honestly, you were serious), you say, “Is this what we doing? All this radio silence.” And, his reply was, “Hahahahha.” Girl, please grow the hell up and stop acting like you’re 13-years old. This man laughed you off, and still has not called or made any attempts to move forward with you. He thinks you are a joke. And, so does everyone reading this. LMAO! Finally, you ask your brother if he has a girlfriend, and he told you that he has women. Uhm, boo boo, that is a clue and your brother’s way of telling you the man is a hoe. He is a womanizer. So, you won’t, are not, and will not be special to this man. And, this is the very reason why the man doesn’t want to get involved with you because you are going to your brother asking questions and interrogating him about a man who is not returning your calls, or reciprocating your interest. You are putting your brother in the middle of this, and that is a no-no. They work together, and they may be friends, but don’t put your brother in the middle of it. Handle this as a woman, and take care of your own –ish! Get the man on the phone, ask him the serious questions, and get him to reveal why he has stopped showing interest. Ask him what he is looking for, whether or not he wants a serious commitment, if he is looking for a relationship, and does it matter that your brother is his friend and fellow cop. Only this man can answer the questions you seek. And, if he keeps ignoring you, then take it on the chin, count it as he’s not interested, and move on. Don’t harass, keep calling, texting, and worrying about someone who is not interested or thinking about you. Plain and simple. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!            Continue reading →

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Desiree Hartsock on The Bachelorette Breakup: Blindsided and Heartbroken By Brooks!

Posted on July 30, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

While careful not to reveal The Bachelorette spoilers concerning next Monday’s finale, Desiree Hartsock is speaking out about last night’s events. In a shocking twist, Brooks Forester vaguely, awkwardly dumped her in an epic breakup that resulted in endless tears and consumed an hour of TV. Desiree Hartsock, Brooks Forester Breakup (The Bachelorette) Truly, it is the most surprising ending to The Bachelorette we’ve seen, just as the producers promised. Heading into next week, so many questions linger. Is Brooks gone for good? Is Des done for good after this rejection? What about Chris and Drew? Do either stand a chance? And how will they fill two hours? We’ll find out in Monday’s conclusion of this two-part finale. For now, let’s hear what Hartsock had to say about last night : “Antigua was the perfect destination to continue my relationships with the three remaining guys … Each one has such incredible qualities but Brooks stood out.” “My relationship with Brooks was always secure and confident when we were together, but I never knew what was going through his mind when we were apart.” “That should have been a red flag, but sometimes love is blind.” “I never wanted to believe that maybe this experience was more than just hard for Brooks, and that he potentially wasn’t on the same page as me.” “He led me to believe that he was on board and wanted this to work out. I had such strong feelings that I couldn’t imagine not reaching the full potential of a proposal.” “I was surprised watching and seeing the conversations Brooks had with his mother and sister and with Chris Harrison, expressing his doubts and feelings.” “He never expressed those concerns with me until it was too late. I was completely blindsided and heartbroken by his exit.” “When he first greeted me on that beach, I knew that something was wrong and I was shocked to learn exactly how he felt.” “I am relieved now that he was honest about his feelings and that he was brave enough to address them before taking the relationship further.” “I wish Brooks could have felt more comfortable coming to me sooner but it was better that it happened in Antigua and not down the road.” “My dates with Chris and Drew were so wonderful, but Brooks’ departure really threw me for a loop. I seriously considered going home and calling it all quits.” “In a breakup, emotions are high and it takes self-reflection to gain clarity and peace.” “I was heartbroken by Brooks leaving and uncertain of what the future held. But I had two incredible men still there who did love me and I wanted to see this through.” “Could get past this heartbreak to love either one of them as much as they both deserved? And would we ever get the opportunity to explore that?” “I promised myself from the beginning that I was here for love and not just to go through the motions. I had to remind myself that if I wasn’t feeling enough for the guys, I wouldn’t stay.” So, there you go. That brings you up to speed … and yet it doesn’t. Whether she’s single or engaged or somewhere in between, Des is playing it close to the vest as buzz surrounding The Bachelorette finale builds. We would expect nothing else, so all we can do is direct you to our Bachelorette spoilers rundown (first sentence of this article) and ask again: How do you think The Bachelorette finale will play out?   Brooks returns and gets engaged to Des! Chris gets the final rose! Drew gets the final rose! Desiree is crushed and goes home single! View Poll »

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Desiree Hartsock on The Bachelorette Breakup: Blindsided and Heartbroken By Brooks!

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