Dear Bossip , Early this year I met a nice young man at a college party. We were introduced by mutual friends who thought we would be perfect together because we both share a love for business. He’s a 22-year old Arab who owns his own restaurant, while I’m a 21-year old business student that has a small clothing store online. We hit it off well. I used to come to his restaurant all the time and we would sit and talk. We both admired each other’s tenacity and after about 3 months of getting to know one another we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend. Here’s where the problems started. He has never fully introduced me to his parents. I see them all the time when I’m in the restaurant and they definitely know my face, but he has never said, “Mom, Dad this is my girlfriend.” In fact he never introduces me to anyone as his girlfriend unless they give me a compliment or ask him. First side eye. He claims his parents are just super old school and protective and don’t want to know about his relationships until they’re serious to the point of marriage. I guess. Then it became a problem of his friends hitting on me. I hang with them occasionally with him and we have mutual friends, but they are always giving me inappropriate comments like, “damn you look sexy today,” or hitting me up on Facebook to see when I wanna hang out. I brought this up to my boyfriend and he got angry at the fact I don’t respond and said its “rude.” Hmmm. But, he does take me out and we spend a hell of a lot of time together which makes me doubt my suspicions. He takes me on the most wonderful dinners, takes me shopping, buys me diamonds on occasion and we just sit and talk for hours at times. I can truly say he’s one of my best friends and we mesh well, beyond color lines. When I brought up the issue of does he have a problem with me being black, he said it’s more of an issue of me not being Muslim, which confuses me. I can’t help it if I was born Christian and he knew that from the time we met, so how is it a problem now? I feel if it were really an issue he should have never pursued me seriously. It upsets me when I feel like I’m not good enough to get to know his parents even though his brothers call me sis because I’m an educated, nice black woman, there’s nothing stereotypical about me and I’ve worked hard to get to that point. And I’ve told him I’m willing to convert if we get married in the future but not for a relationship. We talk about marriage and kids all the time, but in the context of aligning our similar values for how we want our family to look like and be raised. I really like him and I can see a future but I don’t want to waste my time if he’ll never take me seriously because of my race or religion. I should also bring up the fact that he is super jealous of me going to college because he’s insecure about the fact he never went and is always making comments about it despite being at a place in business where most college grads dream to be. Go figure. Should I let it go, or hold out and try and work through this because I really do like him. – Confused Chick Dear Ms. Confused Chick , Here’s yet another letter from the “Young, Sprung, and Hopeless.” Let me ask you this: Do you speak Arabic? Just as I figured. (Yup, they’re talking about you and you don’t even know it.) Why, oh why, do you folks jump into relationships with folks and there is no communication about your relationship, no discussion of the relationship boundaries, and what it really means to be in a relationship. You expect the other person to just know you and your entire experience. You expect the other person to know everything about you, your likes, dislikes, and your entire background without any context of why you are the way you are. Then, you jump in the bed with them, fall in love with the sex and feel as if you should be in a relationship with them because they sexually make you feel good. Well, here’s a suggestion, how about letting them stimulate your mind, your spiritual, your emotional and mental? How about getting to know them, their background, their history, and what stimulates their mind, their spiritual, and emotional and mental? Why am I making this suggestion. You’re grown and going to do what you want to do any damn way. You’re so “in like” that you are not listening to what he is saying. Well, here’s a newsflash for you Ms. I’m-A-Successful-Business-Woman: HE IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT YOU. HE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU HIS WIFE SOME DAY, OR ONE DAY. YOU ARE HIS BLACK GIRL EXPEREINCE UNTIL HE MEETS HIS WIFE WHO WILL BE AN ARAB AND MUSLIM WOMAN . Was that clear enough for you? But, Ms. Honey, do you realize that you are adding three dynamics into your relationship of culture, race, and religion? Culturally he does not understand Black culture only what he sees on television i.e., B.E.T.’s 106 and Park , or experiences in bits and doses of the “hood” when he rides through to pick up the swag, language, music, and style. They are not interested in knowing the black experience or what it means to be black in America. And, you don’t know what it means to be an Arab in America. You don’t know his cultural beliefs, religious practices, or how and why they despise anyone who is not Muslim. You’re just jumping in the bed with him and hoping one day the two of you will be this loving couple who found love despite cultural, racial, and religious lines and be a big ole’ happy Madea family. LMBAO! Girl, grow the “F” up! Despite you being educated, non-stereotypical, and doing things for yourself, you are still a black Christian woman in America. That is all he sees. That is all his friends see. That is all his parents will see. Whatever stereotypes, colloquiums (Look it up I don’t have to time to explain it), and cultural knowledge they have obtained and witnessed about black people on television, well, Ms. Thing, you fall into that category. Regardless. Oh, yeah, that fact that he doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend, and he doesn’t say anything about his friends hitting on you, well, that says it all. HE SEES YOU AS A PIECE OF MEAT. YOU ARE INSIGNIFICANT TO HIM. And, for the record, sweetie, you’re never going to meet his parents. You’re dating an Arab man who is Muslim. You are a black woman who is Christian. That is taboo. Do you watch the news at all? Are you up-to-date on cultural and religious issues? Chile, I swear you folks need to read a book, study, and learn something other than having sex on the brain, and who’s doing who on the Real Housewives of Atlanta or Basketball Wives . Culturally and religiously you two are not a mix. You’re his taboo black girl he’s getting it in with until he meets an Arab Muslim girl, or the one who is arranged by his parents to marry. You’ve even stated in your letter, “When I brought up the issue of does he have a problem with me being black, he said it’s more of an issue of me not being Muslim, which confuses me.” SMDH. What is confusing about that? Really! I want to know how can he tell you in a more 5 th grade level that the issue is you’re not Muslim. (The chickens have truly come home to roost) Please, and I am urging you to go read a book, study, and learn something about the culture, race, and religion of Arab men and women. Then, I want you to come back to me with a full dissertation on what you’ve learned and if you’re ready to seriously be in a relationship with a man who is Arab Muslim, and with parents who are old school Arab Muslim. Let me ask you this: What do you know about Arab men and their beliefs? What do you know about Arab culture? What do you know about the religion of being Muslim? What do you know about Arab women and the expectations of them to be with Arab men? What does he know about being black? What does he know about black culture and the history of black people in America? What does he know about black women and the significance and roles they play in the black family? What does he know about the history of Christian religion for black folk, or the historical significance of the Harlem Renaissance, the Pro-Black 70’s Movement, or The Black Panthers? What does he know about Sonia Sanchez, Lorraine Hansberry, James Baldwin, Langston Hughes, Malcolm X, Maya Angelou, Marcus Garvey, Angela Davis, or any historical black figure fighting for the cause and rights of black folk? Yeah, just as I thought, neither of you don’t know –ish. So, keep sitting your happy-go-lucky-ass up in the restaurant eating every day hoping he will introduce you to his parents as his girlfriend. Chile, once they discover he’s been tapping that, I suggest you don’t eat there any longer. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to get your copy of my new book , Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: I’m Dating An Arab Man & I Really Like Him, But He Won’t Introduce Me To His Parents
