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Native American Backlash Over Speidi Names

Filed under: The Hills , Heidi & Spencer Running Bear and White Wolf aren’t exactly being embraced by the community they hoped to join … in fact, several Native American groups are lashing out at the reality stars over their “ignorant” name changes. After the people formally known as … Permalink

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Native American Backlash Over Speidi Names

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Deny Breakup, Adopt "Spiritual" Native American Names

Phew. That’s all we cay say now that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have shot down rumors that they are splitting up and she already moved out. “I’m not moving out ,” Heidi Montag stated. “I love Spencer with all my heart.” Added Pratt: “I love my wife more now than I ever thought I could.” Not that it’s been smooth sailing of late. Montag recently squabbled with Pratt over her plastic surgery and diva-like behavior, and even fired him as manager . But they have stuck together. “All that we’ve been through has only made us work harder at our relationship,” Heidi says. “We will continue to work to be the best couple we can be.” “I’m so excited The Hills are finally over so I won’t be edited by anyone,” she adds. “This will be the first time people truly see us for who we are.” Wait, we thought The Hills was a reality show? Never mind. In order to strengthen their bond with each other and spirituality, Heidi and Spencer Pratt decided to give themselves “true native-American names.” Guess playing with balls of healing energy was a one-shot deal. In any case, say goodbye to Speidi and say hello to … drum roll … White Wolf and Running Bear, respectively. We’d have chosen Montag by Mattel. A rep for the couple say Pratt’s previous moniker, King Spencer, was “too much of a burden to have to carry the weight of royalty.” This guy rules . Instead, Running Bear is getting “more in tune with spirituality … and will be known by the name our creator has given us.” For the next day or so .

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Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Deny Breakup, Adopt "Spiritual" Native American Names

Gossip Girl: Fashion Is a Drug [Recaps]

This week’s episode saw a fancy fashion show, a drugged young thing in serious need of help, a couple struggling to get out of their rut and back into the groove, and lots and lots of hookers. If there’s one thing that Gossip Girl gets right (and there are many), it’s the importance of teenagers. Teenagers are really just the best, most interesting, and most effectual people a person can ever know. Are you some bumbling idiot middle-ager who just doesn’t get it? Well, call a teenager. Feeling loveless and lonely and terribly old? Call some teenagers and watch them make out for a while. They are just the balm of Gilead to this weary, crumbling modern world of ours. Why just look at the Gossip Girl kids! Young Jenny. Why, she knows more about fashion than esteemed stage actress Margaret Colin! Yes, famous fashion designer Winksy Waldorf was back on the show tonight, conveniently in time for Jenny to start turning her life around. See she’s been in a bad way this season — consorting with Canadians from the movie Air Bud , being disrespectful to her Sister-Father Rufus, telling school to stuff it in a sack — and she’s ready to climb on out of her Jenny pit and reenter the bright world of good. And what better way to become a responsible citizen of teenage America than by studying hard in school and being nice to people joining the fashion industry. Winksy accepted Jenny’s apology (even though Winksy totally tried to rip Jenny off, didn’t she?) and rehired her, after some begging by Ma Humphrey. The situation was this: Winksy is selling out. Yep, the economy has tumbled down the filthy rabbit hole that’s under the outhouse and no one’s buying high-end clothes anymore. So for her new Young Adult line (clearly the most important line) Winksy has decided to go low-rent and is trying to get a Wal-Mart-esque super emporium to carry the collection of black riding outfits and classroom-friendly bondage gear. Though this pains Winksy’s daughter, Blair, she is willing to help out in any way she can. The way she can help out, of course, is teens. More teens, please. Hot oval-teens, please! I’ll have the two teens value meal with a diet teen. To go! Well, OK, maybe they weren’t teens exactly. Winksy wanted to show Mr. Walmart that she could sell her clothes in middle America, so she asked Blair to invite her friends from NYU to the fashion show, to prove that normal kids like the garments. Yes, because if there’s any representative of middle America, it’s an NYU freshman. It was a great idea! There was only one problem. Blair doesn’t have any NYU friends. Because if there’s one thing that NYU kids don’t like, it’s girls with nice clothes and lots of money whose moms are famous fashion designers. So who’s she going to bring? She can’t tell her mom that she is failing at social college. Aha! An idea. Remember from a million episodes ago when there was that whole thing with prostitutes that lived in the NYU dorms? Well, yeah, Blair decided to call them. 30 of them. At $300/hour each. Last I checked, that’s $9,000 an hour. That’s a lotta clams! For just 30 clams. (BAZUMBO.) Well, OK, it wasn’t all clams. There was a rentboy there too. So the fashion show goes and all the middle-American NYU hooker girls squeal with delight but Mr. Walmart shakes his big gray head and says “No. No .” He does not like it. Why? Because, as he says to Blair, he didn’t know that prostitutes were the Winksy Waldorf Designs way. Yes, he knew Blair had hired help. But how? Well, it turned out that Mr. Walmart had a sex appointment with the male rentboy hooker gigolo . Yes! If you are scratching your head and asking “Wait, but why, if a gay hooker prostitute male that he had secretly slept with was in the room , would Mr. Walmart spill the beans and tell Blair that he knew there were hookers about?” then just hold perfectly still and Stephanie Savage will come and lobotomize you. It’s a perfectly reasonably plot-based question to ask in any normal realm, but this is Gossip Girl we’re talking about. Anyway, Blair found out that Mr. Walmart had been getting his roll backs on with Young Deuce Bigalow, and she blackmailed him into extending her mother an offer. (Because he’s so cagey about someone finding out he sleeps with hookers, except for when he tells Blair that he sees a hoo— Stephanie, no! Noo!! Noooooo!!!) But in the end Winksy couldn’t sell out, so she told Mr. Walmart no and he bow-legged outta there so fast you’d think he was headed to go have sex with a hottie male sex worker. Which he was. Blair then decided that she’d have more friends at Columbia, so look for that to happen. Meanwhile Jenny was getting drugged by Caitlin Cooper from The OC . Yeah, I don’t know. There was some bullshit about the Agnes model character from a while ago wanting to get revenge, so she had her bitchy friend put a few of Air Bud ‘s Magic Delirium Capsules into Jenny’s champagne (which sixteen year olds just drink, with impunity, while interning at fashion shows). “Wuhhh whoaaahhhhhh” Jenny said after gulping down the champagne. “The Jenster doesn’t feel so goood….” And Agnes and her bitchy friends laughed and said “Come on, let’s go get her raped.” This is actually what they did! They took the Jenster, who was wearing a lampshade on her head and singing the Pina Colada song, to some random nightclub and dumped her at a bachelor party and were like “Have fun boys!” And, like, I know that Men Are Evil, but would anyone really , at a bachelor party surrounded by friends, be like “Awwww yeahhh” at the sixteen-year-old who can’t even stand up and has a trickle of vomit running down her chin and has soiled herself and is quietly and obliviously mumbling monologues from William Inge plays to herself? I just don’t think so. But sure enough, on Gossip Girl there was one jerk who was into it. So Jenny was going to get raped! Ha ha, what a fun plotline. Luckily Nate came to her rescue and now Jenny is butt-crazy in love with him and will try to steal him from the lithesome Serena. Which, gross. Jenny and Nate doing it would be like mashing two Skipper dolls together. Another thing that happened this episode was that Chuck and his mom were all fighting about the hotel stuff while Jack Bass the Jackass glowered with his dumb beard. Turns out mom’s in love with Jack, and will do whatever he says, including dicking over her one and only orphaned son. Ed Westwick got to Act a lot in this episode, with tears and growling and stuff, so good for him. And then his mom was all “I’m not your mom” and Westwicky knew she was lying but he let her lie and drive away. And you know what? After Mulholland Drive came out I was all “Why didn’t Laura Harring get famous like Naomi Watts got famous?” And then I realized last night that, oh, Laura Harring just can’t really act all that well. That’s all. Dan and Vanessa were having problems. They’re slowly starting to realize that they are the most boring people in the world, so they want to spice things up. Well Vanessa does, at least. So her strategy was to dress up like Grace Kelly in Rear Window and, in a sexy cavewoman purr, to tell Dan “You can rear me in my window.” Dan’s eyes bulged out and an owwoooga car horn sounded and then Ma Rufus showed up wearing his big farm dress and bonnet, throwing seeds to the chickens and saying “Come on now, git. Come on now, shoo, shoo.” He proceeded to hang out with Vanessa and Dan even though they were on a sexy date. Because Rufus is sad and lonely. What a dump. What a sad thing. In the end Dan convinced Vanessa that they can still do the same old things they did as friends and be romantic at the same time. The romantic part comes when she delicately alfreds his hitchcock. That never happened when they were friends! Vanessa nodded her heavy, fur-matted head and that was that. Rufus watched from a peephole for a spell and then turned and looked out the window. Storm was brewing. So he went out to the porch and called out to Jenny. “Jenny, you come back in this house now, you hear? Storm’s a’comin’ and I don’t want you catchin’ your death of cold and making Doc Turner come all the way out here to check up on ya. And close the gate on your way in, you know how the pigs get in this weather.” He looked off for a while, waiting for Jenny, then shook his head and tsked and trundled back into the house and sat down in his favorite rocking chair and closed his eyes and said “Lord above. Lorrrd above.” And that was pretty much the episode. If you looked closely you could see Erik a few times briefly in the episode. There he was as a friend of the male sex hooker, clutching his hand in a vain attempt at genuine intimacy. There he was, bewigged and glad in a black handbag dress, walking the runway for Winksy’s show. There he was, sitting glumly at the bachelor party bar, muttering to himself about life and love and men and marriage. And there he was outside the Humphrey house, a small speck in the distance, running against the storm-streaked sky. He was heading to the barn, we think, for shelter. But we do not know if he made it. We just do not know. OK BRIAN. How’d everyone do in the rankings this week? Are they in Barney’s territory or Ames land? Thanks, Richard. As always we have a special shoppers who fared well, but most everyone ended up in Filene’s Basement. Here are the running tallies. Dorota : Fashion Points : Maid outfits come in maternity sizes: +2 Power Play : Knows how to negotiate rates for a hooker: +1 Total : 3 Season to Date : 52 Power Position : Up Blair : Family Secrets : Her mother still loves her, even if she’s a loser: +1 Fashion Points : That bowler hat: -1, The off-color zipper up the back of her dress: -1 Power Play : Has no friends to bring to mommy’s fashion show: -2, She’s still a big shot at Columbia: +1 Social Schemes : Has to hire a hooker to be her friend: -2, Can only find a hooker named after a university: -1, Her plan fails and the guy from Conwell’s knows she hired hookers: -2, Uses the Conwell’s guy love of (hot!) gay hookers against him: +3 Total : -4 Season to Date : 30 Power Position : Down Chuck : Family Secrets : His mother isn’t really his mother: -2, No, wait, she is!: +2, But she’s leaving him: -2, But she’s an evil, manipulative simpleton, so it’s probably for the best: +2 Fashion Points : Purple!: -1, No one wears a suit quite like Chuck Bass: +2 Power Play : Kicked out of his own hotel: -2, His army is Blair, stupid Nate, and skanky Serena. He’s doomed: -1, His mother loves his Evil Uncle Jack more than she loves him or his money: -2 Social Schemes : His mother and Evil Uncle Jack totally dick him over: -1, He has got a plan and a formidable ally in Blair. Shit is about to get good: +2 Total : -2 Season to Date : 23 Power Position : Up Nate : Personality Flaw : After all those years hanging out with Chuck, he should know what a hooker looks like: -1 Power Play : Knows how to use technology to save Jenny: +1, Rescues Jenny from a horny hedge funder: +2, He even gives her a little pep talk and lifts her gothy spirits: +1 Sexual Intrigue : Serena taught him what role play is: +2 Social Schemes : Devised a plan to end Evil Uncle Jack: +2, It fails: -1, Why do he and Serena think that they can pull off a scam like they’re Chuck and Blair?: -1 WTF : Is it just us or did Nate get like smart and cool over night?: +2 Total : 7 Season to Date : 8 Power Position : Up Rufus : Personality Flaw : Finally admits there is more to life than waffles: +2, Makes them anyway: -1 Power Play : His idea of grounding Jenny involves letting her leave the house go to work, get drugged, get felt up by a drunk hedge funders, come home stoned, and not even notice that any of this happened: -3, Invades Dan’s Brooklyn pussy den: -1 Sexual Intrigue : No wonder Dan is so clueless about women with Rufus as his role model: -1 WTF : Now that Lily is gone, he’s the designated ignorer of poor gay Eric: -1 Total : -5 Season to Date : -10 Power Position : Even Stupid Jenny : Personality Flaw : Leaves a model alone with a bag full of drugs. That is never a scenario that ends well: -2, Wow, she really pulled it together to keep Rufus from finding out she was stoned: +1 Power Play : Gets Elinor’s shade, but also gets a second chance: Even, Underage drinking: +1 (we’ve all been there, honey), For some reason we can’t figure out, Nate still likes her: +1 Sexual Intrigue : Even a bunch of horny, drunk hedge funders don’t want to sleep with her: -1 Social Schemes : Evil model Agnes is going to fuck her over big time: -2, She lets an ugly model and a bitter stylist ruin her big return to fashion: -2, Drugged!: -3, Left to get date and statutory raped in a room full of horny, drunk hedge funders: -2, Knows everyone hates her, and knowing is half the battle: +1 Total : -8 Season to Date : -20 Power Position : Down Vanessa : Family Secrets : Everyone knows she’s dating Dan: -1, The lady dreads seemed to be tamed: +2 Fashion Points : The Grace Kelly outfit looks like a Halloween costume she threw together out of the wardrobe of a girl who is a foot shorter than she is: -2 Personality Flaw : Hasn’t seen a movie made this century. Smoke a doobie and go see Hot Tub Time Machine like a regular college student, would you!: -1 Sexual Intrigue : Doesn’t know how to spice up her love life: -1, Gets a lesson from Serena. Next thing you know she’ll be wearing tiny, tiny dresses and fucking everything that moves: -2, This wouldn’t be the worst thing: +2, Lets Dan convince her that not taking her in public and only buying her noodles is actually a good thing: -2 Total : -5 Season to Date : -20 Power Position : Down Lily : WTF : She doesn’t even warrant a mention this episode and forgot to leave instructions about the care of her mute gay son: -2 Total : -2 Season to Date : -26 Power Position : Up Dan : Family Secrets : Everyone knows he’s dating Vanessa: -1, They still like him, which is amazing: +1 Personality Flaw : Wants to be a boring married person and stay home and watch movies. You’re 19. At least take your girlfriend out and get drunk!: -2 Sexual Intrigue : Serena is giving his girlfriend slutting lessons, which can only mean there is lots of sex and whipped cream in his future: +2 Has no clue what women want, whether it’s Serena, Olivia (we miss you!), or Vanessa: -3, Thinks what he and Vanessa had was enough: -1, He has Vanessa whipped! She fell for that whole “what we did as friends was enough” bullshit. That is some serious scamming, Dan: +4 Total : 0 Season to Date : -30 Power Position : Up Serena : Personality Flaw : Looks down on hookers. Hello, Serena. They have probably had less sex than you have, and they’re smart enough to charge for it: -2 Sexual Intrigue : Giving lessons on being a slut to Vanessa. Finally, she uses her powers for good: +2, She and Nate are not Blair and Chuck and their schemes always fail. When will she learn this?: -2, Her boyfriend is off saving a little girl instead of attending to her insatiable needs: -1 Total : -3 Season to Date : -51 Power Position : Up

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Gossip Girl: Fashion Is a Drug [Recaps]

The Discovery Channel may have won the booby prize!

I read a lot of versions of this story, but THIS one was my favorite.

Stars On The Run

Shia LaBeouf will be putting his running to the test at today’s L.A. marathon. Click the photos below and check out La-Buff and other celebs we caught getting their jog on!

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Stars On The Run

TMZ’s Spring Break Snapshots Contest!

Email in your sexiest, most super-craziest spring break pictures for TMZ Spring Break Snapshots Contest and get yourself in the running for out weekly $250 prize and some super secret mystery gifts from TMZ! … Permalink

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TMZ’s Spring Break Snapshots Contest!

‘American Idol’ Top Eight Men: What They Need To Do

Todrick Hall and Aaron Kelly appear to be on the bubble of this year’s top 12. By Gil Kaufman Andrew Garcia, Alex Lambert, Aaron Kelly and Lee Dewyze Photo: Frank Micelotta/ Getty Images For the most part, the ladies brought it on Tuesday night’s “American Idol” and early front-runners are definitely emerging in Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus and Lilly Scott. On Wednesday night (March 10), it’s the guys’ turn again, as we speed toward Thursday’s elimination, when season nine’s top 12 will be determined. Last week’s switcheroo due to Crystal Bowersox’s illness didn’t throw the guys off, though a few of the men turned in performances that were barely enough to keep them in the running. So what do the rest of the men need to do to win the hearts — and ears — of the nation? How can they get enough votes to avoid landing in the bottom two? Here’s what we do (and don’t) want to see from these “Idol” hopefuls, starting with those who need the most work. Aaron Kelly Being cute will only get you so far. Though he has the Archu-dorable factor, teen Kelly is proving to truly be this year’s unripe banana. His “My Girl” was instantly forgettable, and he’s turning into one of those semifinalists who doesn’t really have a musical portfolio. He’s tried country and old-school R&B, but if Kelly wants to make the top 12, he needs to show the panel he’s got a lane of his own. How about a killer Simon & Garfunkel cover (since most of this year’s Idols seem stuck in the past) or something by Kris Allen? Tim Urban Unless this kid has been taking voice lessons from the ghost of Jeff Buckley all week, it doesn’t really matter what Tim does, because he’s just killing time at this point. He might not go this week, but he’s further proof that being adorable can get you into the semifinals but not much further. Urban is the weakest male link, so he might as well blast off with a blaze of glory with something ridiculous like “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going.” Todrick Hall With Jermaine Sellers gone , dancer Hall remains as the loose cannon in the bunch. His confidence hasn’t yet meshed with a breakout performance, and though his sedate take on Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It” was interesting, Hall has been the judges’ punching bag to date. Unless he kills it, say with a seductive Usher throw-down, Hall could be the next to go. Casey James Speaking of cute, James is still trying to shake off the whole cougar-bait thing, but his limp rendition of the too-frequent “Idol” cover “I Don’t Want to Be” didn’t exactly show off his rock chops. Regardless, assuming he doesn’t completely tank, Casey will likely make the top 12. He should, however, soar by proving his grit this week with something edgier. How about an unplugged Kid Rock tune? Lee Dewyze He’s the token rocker, which is a good place to be this year, because he’s got virtually no competition. Dewyze is on a hot streak, and he’s got Simon on his side, so he should play it safe this week to ensure a top 12 berth. He’s done well playing his acoustic guitar, so maybe a Kings of Leon song would work for him. Andrew Garcia What happened to you, man? Garcia seemed a shoo-in for the top three, but he’s gotten steadily diminishing returns thanks to sleepy song choices, like James Morrison’s “You Give Me Something,” which find him fading into the pack. He needs another “Straight Up,” pronto! Now’s the best time to wow the judges again with a clever (re)arrangement of a classic — perhaps a folky version of Jane’s Addiction’s “Been Caught Stealing”? Michael Lynche He’s not blowing anyone away, but slow-and-steady Lynche is getting it done every week. He’s likeable, solid and very comfortable onstage. Big Mike is almost certainly going to advance, so a bit more of what the judges already like, perhaps a touch of Maxwell on acoustic guitar, could ensure his spot. Alex Lambert Either Lambert is pulling a rope-a-dope and is planning to emerge as a camera-ready superstar from his mullet-duckling persona, or we’re reading too much into his phoenix-like rise from the ashes of two twitchy weeks ago. He nailed John Legend’s “Everybody Knows” last week, and a command performance of a Robin Thicke tune might cement his blue-eyed soul bona fides. What do you want to see from the guys on Wednesday night? Who do you hope steps up their game this week? Let us know below! Get your “Idol” fix on MTV News’ “American Idol” page , where you’ll find all the latest news, interviews and opinions. Related Videos MTV Rough Cut: Corey Haim ‘American Idol’ In 60 Seconds Related Photos ‘American Idol’ Season Nine Performances The ‘American Idol’ Season 9 Top 24

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‘American Idol’ Top Eight Men: What They Need To Do

‘American Idol’ Top Eight Women: What They Need To Do

Paige Miles and Didi Benami need to step it up, while Crystal Bowersox and Lilly Scott should keep doing their thing. By Gil Kaufman Crystal Bowersox on “American Idol” last week Photo: Frank Micelotta/ Getty Images This is the week we’ve all been waiting for. Following Tuesday and Wednesday night’s performances, we will be down to season nine’s top 12, and the competition on “American Idol” will start to get serious. After last week’s surprise switcheroo due to Crystal Bowersox’s illness , the remaining 12 ladies served up a mixed bag of good, bad and eh on Wednesday night. Lilly Scott and Siobhan Magnus proved to be suddenly strong competition for Bowersox, who stormed back from her undisclosed ailment to regain her spot as the woman to beat this year. So what do the rest of the ladies need to do to win the hearts — and ears — of the nation? How can they get enough votes to avoid landing in the bottom two? Here’s what we do (and don’t) want to see from these “Idol” hopefuls, starting with those who need the most work. Didi Benami It feels like this once-promising singer has seriously lost her way. After ditching the thing that got her to the big show (i.e., sensitive singer/songwriter material with a jazzy twist), Benami was undone by a hard-to-watch warble through the Bill Withers soul classic “Lean on Me.” Didi would be wise to dig into the Lily Allen or Corinne Bailey Rae songbook to get back into the game. Paige Miles The judges have told Miles she has the strongest voice in the competition this year, but so far, she’s failed to make much of an impression personality-wise. Last week, Kara DioGuardi faulted her for smiling through a cover of Kelly Clarkson’s “Walk Away,” dissing Miles for not getting the angry mood of the song right. And she should know — she co-wrote it! She needs to put the coloring books away and bite off a meaty Alicia Keys song that will allow her to open up and show some serious emotion. Katie Stevens This teenager needs to find her inner child. After weeks of going too old, Stevens is in danger of losing her spot if she doesn’t show the panel that she could be a youthful, contemporary artist. She tried to display her younger side by singing Bailey Rae’s signature “Put Your Records On,” but even that didn’t work because the judges said it felt too unfocused and bland, with Simon Cowell suggesting she needed a bit more time to figure out what kind of artist she wants to be. Unless Stevens can smash it with a convincing tumble through a Katy Perry or Rihanna song, she might be back in her old classroom next week. Lacey Brown Proving you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, Brown followed the judges’ advice and performed Sixpence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me” — and they didn’t like it. In order to stick around, she needs the kind of signature moment Magnus provided with her Aretha Franklin power note, so this week’s selection should focus on displaying her range and originality. Siobhan Magnus Has one note ever meant so much? Magnus, this year’s token quirky girl, could very well have stamped her ticket to the top 12 last week thanks to that massive wail at the end of her version of Franklin’s “Think.” Now, Magnus just has to keep surprising the judges and audience to stay in the running. Luckily, she hasn’t painted herself into a genre corner so far and has displayed an indie-leaning sensibility , so she’s free to try out anything on the charts, from Lady Gaga to Owl City. Katelyn Epperly The judges weren’t crazy about Epperly’s slow take on Coldplay’s “The Scientist,” but America gave it a thumbs-up and she made it to sing another day. She should strap the guitar back on this week and give us a new twist on a contemporary singer/songwriter, perhaps even putting some jazz into a Taylor Swift tune. Lilly Scott Scott is on a roll. She nailed her Beatles cover two weeks ago, gave another solid performance with Sam Cooke’s “A Change Is Gonna Come” last week, again proving that while she may not have the best voice, she’s got a unique stage presence and memorable delivery. It would be great to see her sit at a piano this week and rework a contemporary ballad, say something from Muse or Carrie Underwood. Crystal Bowersox At this point, it’s Crystal’s game to lose. She’s proven she can kill it with classic-rock tunes, thanks to a very strong gospel-tinged rendition of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Long as I Can See the Light,” but this week might be her chance to tackle a newer artist and prove that she can be relevant now. A Jack Johnson song might do the trick. What do you want to see from the girls on Tuesday night? Who do you hope steps up their game this week? Let us know below! Get your “Idol” fix on MTV News’ “American Idol” page , where you’ll find all the latest news, interviews and opinions. Related Videos ‘American Idol’ In 60 Seconds Related Photos ‘American Idol’ Season Nine Performances

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‘American Idol’ Top Eight Women: What They Need To Do

Vienna Girardi: Bachelor Sweetie or Evil Mastermind?

Vienna Girardi won The Bachelor Monday night. Maybe you heard. This revelation came not only as a surprise, but a major disappointment to a large portion of the ABC series’ viewers, many of whom had fallen in love with Tenley Molzahn and/or Ali Fedotowsky and were hoping Jake would feel the same way. According to Us , it was all part of her EVIL MASTER PLAN! Vienna Girardi complained on the finale that her fellow contestants – particularly Ali, now the next Bachelorette , hated her. Perhaps they had good reason. The magazine speculates that Vienna “set a trap” for Ali, and her adversary fell right into it, eventually taking herself out of the running. Diabolical … Jake has apparently been punked by Vienna. Sucks for him . “You don’t see the things Vienna said to me. They were very hurtful ,” Ali said on the post-finale “After The Final Rose” special, and she took it personally. “Vienna would always thank us for coming to her ‘bachelorette’ or ‘engagement party,’ then tell us we were all going home,” another contestant reveals. “Ali would just call her out on it.” Fiercely competitive Vienna (“she always had to one-up people,” another castoff says) zeroed in on Ali as her main rival and vowed to TAKE HER OUT. “Vienna would say to Ali that she was going to shake her boobs in Jake’s face,” explains another show insider. And oh, how she shook said boobs. Hard . One of the girls in the house offers this theory for how Vienna was able to compel Jake Pavelka despite what some think are so many negative qualities: “I think Jake hasn’t ever been with a girl like Vienna and is experiencing a ‘wild side.’ Once she figured that out, maybe she was a little more seductive.” That about sums it up. Will Jake and Vienna last?

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Vienna Girardi: Bachelor Sweetie or Evil Mastermind?

Gorillaz’s Plastic Beach: Human After All

New album proves that the cartoon band is also an actual band, in Bigger Than the Sound. By James Montgomery Gorillaz Photo: EMI Music / Jamie Hewlett In 1998, Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett cooked up Gorillaz as a knee-jerk reaction to the chiseled boy bands and mawkish mook-rock acts that paraded across the airwaves of MTV. The idea, it would seem, was to create a group that matched the substance of the ‘NSYNCs and the Creeds of the world — the joke being, of course, that unlike Justin Timberlake or Scott Stapp, the Gorillaz were actual cartoons. It was a pretty brilliant concept, but the thing is, it worked, perhaps even too well. Somewhere along the way — whether Albarn and Hewlett liked it or not — Gorillaz became a genuine phenomenon, with hit singles and multiplatinum albums and actual performances, including a sold-out stint at the Apollo Theater and a Grammy duet with Madonna. Here in the U.S., the band’s two albums (2001’s self-titled debut and 2005’s Demon Days ) outsold Albarn’s entire Blur catalog and did so by a large margin. It is not a stretch to say that Gorillaz is the most successful project either man has ever been involved in, at least when it comes to the bottom line. But throughout all the success, one question has remained unanswered: What are we supposed to make of Gorillaz? Were they a side project? A piss-take? Or — dare I say it — an actual band? Sometimes, it was difficult to tell, and with each collaborator Albarn wheeled into the studio, or each high-gloss video Hewlett unveiled, things became even muddier. But now, with their third album, Plastic Beach (which hits stores Tuesday), we finally have our answer: Gorillaz are very much an actual band, because only actual bands can make concept albums this half-baked, this hazy or this self-aggrandizing. It is what actual bands are supposed to do, especially after they’ve sold millions of albums and become international sensations. Plastic Beach is exactly the kind of album bands make when they feel they’ve earned the right to do so. There’s an air of entitlement to it, and entitlement is perhaps the most human quality of all. Loosely staged on a metaphorical island in the South Pacific (it’s made up entirely of “detritus, debris and [the] washed-up remnants of humanity,” according to an accompanying press release), loping along over the course of 16 tracks and ladled with more guest stars than a charity single, Beach is Gorillaz gone bananas. No idea is left unexplored, no beat unused. The thing is, they’ve done all this before — the concept, the length, the cameos — but this time around, they’re just doing more of it. All of it. For the first time, Albarn serves as the sole producer, something that’s readily apparent when you hear the trilling instrumentation of the National Orchestra for Arabic Music (on “White Flag”) or the walloping oomph of the Hypnotic Brass Ensemble (on a pair of tunes: “Welcome to the World of Plastic Beach” and “Sweepstakes,” both of which also feature cameos by Snoop Dogg and Mos Def, respectively, because, hey, why not?). Brevity has never exactly been his strong suit — check the running time of any Blur album for proof of that — but here, without someone like Danger Mouse or Dan the Automator to reel in his aspirations, things tend to get a bit, well, long-winded. While Albarn might be bursting with good ideas, Beach makes it pretty clear that even the best brains need a little editing every once in a while. This is not to say that there aren’t genuinely great moments on the album too. “White Flag” kicks off a terrific six-song run that includes the spacey “Rhinestone Eyes,” first single “Stylo,” the bumping “Superfast Jellyfish” and the electro-oddity “Glitter Freeze,” which gets an assist from the Fall’s Mark E. Smith. It’s just that, as the clanging electronics of “Freeze” fade away, there are still eight songs left on the album — darn near an eternity. So we get some filler, including a semi-spoken-word number from Lou Reed (“Some Kind of Nature”) and some standouts (“Melancholy Hill,” a pretty tune featuring — thankfully — just Albarn), and then the whole thing is over, and it’s not until you go back and listen again that you realize, “Whoa, I totally missed the song that features 50 percent of the Clash.” And that’s not an easy thing to do. Far be it from me to criticize an album for being too long, but that’s precisely the problem here. Too many guests, too many big ideas, too few strokes of the editor’s pen (or Pro Tool, or whatever). There are at least three records of varying quality within Plastic Beach, and Albarn decided to put them all out at once. Because, hey, he’s earned it. The Gorillaz have earned it. There’s a reason Josie and the Pussycats never released an album like this. And it bears mention here that my opinion of Beach is definitely in the minority, especially considering the luminous praise other critics have heaped on it already. But perhaps that’s just more proof that the Gorillaz really are an actual band: No cartoon could pull off something this ballsy, could convince so many to sift through so much. That’s ego, that’s swagger, that’s hubris — and all those things are pretty human qualities too. For better or worse. Questions? Concerns? Hit me up at BTTS@MTVStaff.com .

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Gorillaz’s Plastic Beach: Human After All