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Dear Bossip: I’m Dealing With My Man & His Bay-Bay Kids & I’m Tired Of It

Posted on August 21, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I met a wonderful man 2 years ago. It took him about a year to convince me to date him. Even though I liked him I was a single mom in college and had just gotten out of a relationship and thought it best not to date for awhile. And, not to mention he was in a bad situation also. He was out of work, and living with his mom and sister. He has custody of his three kids and the mom is one of those who is only there when it is good for her or the public’s view of her. His devotion and our similarity in how to raise our children was one of the reasons I was attracted to him. So, I was his friend and gave moral support until he got on his feet. At that point we began dating. After a few months he asked me and my son to move in. Let me start off saying his kids are somewhat good kids, but they have a lot of issues, mostly from the abandonment of their mother in which she left to start a new family with her new husband. And, I really try to understand this and appreciate, sometimes, their lashing out at me because I know it is not really me they are lashing out at. But, here is my dilemma: I am a very strict mama. My son gets straight A’s and hardly gets in trouble at home or school because he knows I do not play. I will take everything away and I will stick to it for a long time if I have to. Before I moved in with this man he was like that to his children. But, now it’s like aliens have taken over his body. Case in point: Both of his boys get suspended – one for fighting, and the other for not listening to the bus driver. He did nothing. There were no phones taken away, no spanking, no games taken away, no grounding, not even a good talking too. Their mom even bought them a brand new game. One of the boys got suspended again the same week he went back. I put my foot down about respecting me and my son, but I realize these aren’t my kids and the choices they make do not affect me or how I raise my son. But, is so tiring to always come home to kids acting like they don’t have any sense and my son is looking at me like why can’t I get away with that. I love this man and the only problems we have is with his kids, especially when they disrespect me or my son and our material possessions. He does nothing. I have talked to him repeatedly about this and to no avail. This is a total 180 from what he was like when he was by himself with the kids. I know I have to figure out if this relationship is worth it. But my question to you, Terrance, is am I wrong for not wanting to deal with children that act like they have no sense, respect or appreciation? – Tired of Dealing With Bay-Bay’s Kids Dear Ms. Tired of Dealing With Bay-Bay’s Kids , To rectify this situation and problem of not having to deal with someone else’s children that act as if they don’t have no sense, respect, or appreciation of you or their father, then, you and your child move into your own home, and you visit your boyfriend. Therefore, you don’t have to live in a house with children who don’t respect their elders, are disruptive in school, and who will not influence your child to do what they are doing. And, you won’t have to deal with children who are probably upset about their parent’s separation/divorce, their mother abandoning them, and another woman being in their home whom they see as trying to replace their mother. I’m sure the kids are probably upset, and angry about their parent’s splitting up, especially since their mother is with a new man and has a new family. The boys are living with their father, which was probably a decision made by the parents, and the father felt it best the boys be with him. So, they are probably trying to understand what’s going on while dealing with their emotional and mental issues, which will explain them acting up in school, and being disrespectful to you. And, since you mentioned that the father doesn’t do anything to reprimand them, or even deal with their suspensions with any type of consequences, then, it leads me to believe that he probably feels guilty, or feels the need to let them act out because their mother is not there. And, he probably thought you would step in and help with the disciplining, or your moving in would not be as disruptive and the boys would take to another woman being in the home. Ultimately, the burden is on him. The burden of disciplining his children, and getting them into therapy to deal with their emotions and mentality is on him, and they need to be in therapy to talk about how they feel, especially with their mother not being in the home and starting another family. It doesn’t surprise me that they may feel abandoned. Their mother left them. They are probably asking themselves, why didn’t their mother take them with her? How could she start a new family and not include them? They probably do feel left out, and neglected. The father doesn’t know what to do and how to handle them. And, let’s not forget that when you met him he was living with his mother and sister, who are two women-figures in the boy’s lives that have been stable maternal figures. So, he had help. They boys were in a stable environment, and it was disrupted when he moved out and moved you in. Things are not going to change with the boys until their father steps up his discipline and repercussions for their behavior. He also needs to put them in therapy so they can express their emotions and how they are feeling about all of this happening. Until then, they will continue to act out and do what they are doing. He is going to have his hands full. And, no matter how much you talk, complain, and ask him to do something about it, he won’t because he feels guilty. Also, you are putting him in a position to choose between you and his boys. There is a fight happening between the boys and you. Both of you want his attention, his guidance, and his direction. He is trying to stay neutral, but this is only making the situation worse. Thus, I recommend that you and your son move into your own home, and you continue dating. He needs to get a handle on his own home before another woman comes into the picture, and he needs to work on his disciplinary skills with his children. Dating will you and he to figure out how if this is something you really want, and if you can blend your families. It will allow for time to pass, and for him to get a better handle on his home life, dealing with his boys, and making sure their environment is stable. Besides, it will also help to keep your sanity, and not have your children being influenced by their behavior. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I’m Dealing With My Man & His Bay-Bay Kids & I’m Tired Of It

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Britney Back: At The Tender Age Of 38… Britney Spears Flosses Her Bikini On The Beach! [Video]

Posted on July 28, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Britney Spears shows off her bikini body while playing in the waves in Hawaii.

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Dear Bossip: I Don’t Want To Get Married, But He’s Planning A Wedding

Posted on July 28, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I have been in a relationship since I was 16 years old. I married my first husband at 17 and had our first and second child. He was in the military, and, a bit older than I, but he died in 2003 leaving me with a 2 year old and a 6 year old. I moved to a state I had never even visited. In 2004, I began dating a friend of mine, we will call him “Don.” Don knew that I never wanted to get married again nor did I want more children. We became best friends and we began a relationship. During our relationship he asked me to marry him and I declined. Year 5 I became pregnant with our twins, which, yes, gives me a total of 4 children. All of these years Don has helped my raise my 2 older children, and since the twins are his only kids, and we love each other, we bought a home together.  He is a great father to all my children and he doesn’t separate them or show differences. My oldest is the only girl and she thinks Don basically walks on water and can do no wrong. Don is loving, caring, and everything a woman can want in a man. I love him and don’t ever want to live without him. I don’t deal with anything like other women complain about such as cheating, baby mama drama, etc. So, why am I writing you? Don has had this ring for a while that I found when I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. (Since your readers are very judgmental, I bought a pretty pink gun that was too expensive and I was hiding it in the back of our gun safe.)  I panicked when I saw the ring and I asked my closest friends (all male and family) what should I do. Everyone that I asked told me that if he asks me again and I don’t say yes our relationship will be over. So, he asked me after Valentine’s Day (I hate Valentine’s Day). I didn’t say yes or no at first, but he was taking it really hard so I said yes. I don’t wear the ring much, but it is very pretty. He wants to get married next year. He’s hired a wedding planner, paid for the church and reception, and he is being really great. He stops people when he sees I am getting uncomfortable by questions and details. And, he tells me all I have to do is get my dress and show up. It really means allot to him, but my problem is I don’t want to get married. We have a great life, more than most married people, we are still best friends and I love everything about him. I think he knows I don’t want to get married, but not the reason why. Here’s the thing: A few years ago we were drinking with friends and he was very drunk. I tried to get him to leave and we started arguing. In the argument he said he didn’t love me. I don’t know why he said it. I was crushed and I don’t think I’m over it. I am not an emotional person so people can’t tell when I am hurt. Although, this happened years ago, I have read your advice enough to know that when people tell you something then believe them. I don’t like excuses but he says he doesn’t remember saying this, and his grandmother had just died, hence the getting drunk. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but do I have to get married to do it? Am I really just an idiot? – Don’t Want To Get Married Dear Ms. Don’t Want To Get Married , You two have a serious communication problem, and you don’t respect one another. You ignore each other’s requests because both of you are going to do what you want to do regardless of what the other person wants. Thus, he is forcing you to marry him because he doesn’t care what you want. He wants what he wants. But, let’s back up for a minute. You met this guy and told him that you didn’t want to get married or have any more children. Yet, you get pregnant by him, have his children, and decide to buy a house together. Sweetie, you obviously didn’t listen to yourself, and follow your own words. If you didn’t want to have any more children, then why did you have his twins? Why not use protection, and not have unprotected sex? Why did you have more children, out of wedlock, and then buy a house together? You explicitly said no more children and no marriage. So, you reneged on your own word. And, you should have known that if you bought a house together, and you want to play family that eventually he would want to get married, especially if he asked you previously to marry him. He wasn’t going to drop the issue, so you fooled yourself into believing it was over. He wants to be married, and he is making you do it regardless of your wishes. That’s problematic. If you and he would have had a serious conversation about marriage, and you would have listened to one another, then you wouldn’t be in this predicament now. You would have known this relationship would not work out because you two want different things. It would have been much easier to walk away before you had more children, and bought a house together. Thus, it leads me to believe that you don’t follow your own rules or being a person of your word. And, neither does he. Once you had his children, he probably felt he can change your mind. So, instead of asking you or hearing your wishes, he does what he wants, and he does it according to his plan. He is going to marry you and you are going to go along with the plan. Just like you had his children. He bought a ring knowing you don’t want to get married, and when you reluctantly didn’t give him the answer he wanted he proceeded with his plan because ultimately you said yes. So, he is planning the wedding, coordinating the reception, paying for things, and he’s told you that all you have to do is buy a dress and show up. Who does that? Who pushes another person into doing something they don’t want to do? Who pressures someone and makes them feel obligated? Oh, yeah, your desperate-to-be-married fiancé. By the way, I agree with your other male friends. If you had told him no when he asked you to marry him, then the relationship would have been over. I know you want to save it, and you feel he is a great man whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. But, if you two are not on the same page, and you have different goals and objectives in life, then saying yes to appease someone is not going to make you happy in the long run. You will forever be a part of their plans, their goals, and their objectives. You will always be appeasing the other for the sake of not wanting to hurt their feelings. You will live to regret it sooner or later, and you will eventually begin to resent them. Ma’am, this is not going to work. If you don’t want to be married, and you are committed to not being married, then you need to tell him and stop these shenanigans. You have to be honest with him and tell him the truth. Otherwise, you are going to be miserable, angry, and depressed in your marriage because it’s something you don’t want. You are not even involved in the process. How miserable you must feel and be that he is excited about something you have no desire or excitement around. You are not even helping to plan your own wedding. I am sure that when the day approaches you are going to get even more miserable, angry, and depressed, and you may possibly stand him up at the altar. Address this situation now and talk with him about this serious problem you both have. You don’t listen to each other. You don’t respect one another’s wishes, thus, you don’t respect your relationship. You both have agendas and goals, but they are not the same agenda and goals. You two want different things, especially as it relates to being married. It is a big step in being married. Before you go through with this you have to know the seriousness of this major life event. You’ve already committed to two other major life events – having more children out of wedlock, and buying a home together. The deeper this gets, the worse it will be to get out of. Also, you stated that part of the reason you don’t want to get married is over something he said and him not being in love with you. He doesn’t remember it, but it apparently had a serious impact on you. Get into couples therapy and address these issues. They are underlying problems that you are not working on in your relationship. Marriage is not going to solve or fix these problems. You are going into a marriage reluctantly, unhappily, and against your wishes. Yes, it may end your relationship, but you will be happy in the long run. You won’t be doing something that you don’t want to do. And, he will continue to be a great father to his children, and be a vital part of their lives. But, it just won’t be with you and he together. And, do not stay with a man for the sake of the children. You mentioned your eldest daughter loves him and adores him. Thus, it leads me to believe that you are marrying him for the sake of your children. Bad move. Don’t do it for the children. Do it for you. Besides, there are plenty of men out there who are not interested in being married, and would love to be a father to your children. You don’t have to settle and you don’t have to do something you don’t want to do in order to keep a man. He sounds great, and he appears to be genuine, but if you are not listening to one another, respecting each other’s wishes, and working together toward the same goals, then this will not work and you will end up regretting your decision later. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Blackface: Rachel Dolezal At #BlackLivesMatter Rally [Video]

Posted on June 18, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Rachel Dolezal attended a ‘Black Lives Matter’ rally in Baltimore after a high profile police-invloled death of a black man.

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Dear Bossip: He’s Separated From His Wife, But He’s Been Distant With Me

Posted on June 18, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am in a 9 month relationship with a separated man.  They have been separated over 2 years. His wife is dating his best friend.  My man has become more distant in the past couple of weeks saying he is busy and tired. I told him a couple weeks ago that I didn’t know if it was going to work because he is still married and I don’t feel like we can go anywhere because of the marriage. He said he loved me and I mean the world to him, and I’m his glue. He said that he did need to move on with his life and that he did need to -ish or get off the pot. I love him, but ever since I said I didn’t know if it was going to work because he’s still married it’s like he has distanced himself from me. I used to hear from him a couple times a day at least, but now I will wait a day and then call him because he isn’t initiating contact.  He still says he loves me and misses me when we talk. What is going on? – Waiting On Him Dear Ms. Waiting On Him , You are not in a relationship. He is still married. Despite being separated from his wife for 2 years, he is still a married man. Therefore, you don’t have a relationship. You are sleeping with a married man. He is grieving the fact that his wife is dating his best friend. Trust me, he is not well emotionally or mentally. He is just going through the motions in his life. He discovers that his wife is dating his best friend, and you think he’s ready to be move on and be in another relationship? Sorry, but he’s not. I’m sure, no, I’m positive that he is hurting. His is sad, angry, mad, and depressed. Two people he trusted and loved are in a relationship with each other. He is living with the thought and idea on a day-to-day basis that his wife and best friend are laid up, living life, and planning a life without him. He is not okay. And, you’re absolutely right that it is not going to work between you and he because he is still married, probably still in love with his wife, and as a result you and he are not going to move forward or have anything serious. The fact that they have been separated for 2 years tells me that he is holding out and waiting for her to return. Don’t you find it odd that in 2 years he has not divorced his wife? His wife is sleeping with his best friend, and he hasn’t divorced her. Hmmm, wake up ma’am. Stop waiting on him, chasing after him, and stop forcing him to be with you. He does not want you. You are something to do in the meantime. You are someone to pass the time with. His body needs physical attention, but his mind and his emotions are with someone else – his wife. You feel he’s distancing himself from you and not reaching out or maintaining contact. Well, trust your intuition. If he is pulling away after you gave him an ultimatum it’s because he is pulling away. You were his glue because he probably had no one else he could talk with about his wife and his best friend. You were a shoulder to lean on, and someone to lay in bed with and vent. You were not someone he was serious about, but someone who happened to give him an ear when he needed someone to listen to him. I mean come on, honey, the man told you that he knows he should move on, but, hell, it’s been 2 years! He’s still harping about his wife and best friend after 2 years? He’s not ready to be with someone else. He’s still in love with his wife. He’s still waiting on her to return. You are only a distraction for a few minutes, hours, or days. But, he goes home and is reminded of his wife each time he is alone. He is reminded of his best friend when he wants to pick up the phone and go chill, watch the game, or simply to hang out. He is grieving. You need to move on. Find a man who is single, and one who is not pinning or still in love with an ex. This man is not for you. Wish him well and let him go. You are chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be held or in a relationship, well, not in a relationship with you. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He’s Separated From His Wife, But He’s Been Distant With Me

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Cops And Fans Clash In Melee Outside Summer Jam Concert

Posted on June 8, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Fans Without Tickets Rushed Met Life Stadium Gates; State Police Used Tear Gas To Control Them A popular hip-hop concert ended in a near riot when fans without tickets bum-rushed the gates surrounding the venue to get in. New Jersey State Police used tear gas to subdue several hundred unruly fans Sunday evening who tried to scale a 10-foot high fence to enter H ot 97’s Summer Jam concert at the MetLife Stadium. While the likes of Big Sean, Chris Brown and Future jammed with more than 80,000 people at the sold out concert, fans – some of whom had been drinking and smoking in the parking lot all afternoon – became irate that they weren’t able to enter the stadium. They began scaling a high fence and forcing their way past security guards. State Police in riot gear and armored vehicles soon swarmed the outside of the stadium, pushing the fans back and throwing tear gas to subdue the crowd. State Police spokesman Lt. Brian Polite told BOSSIP that the department was still tallying the number of arrests. The fans, in turn, began throwing glass bottles at the phalanx of officers standing behind the gates. “They started turning over the garbage cans and taking out bottles, and throwing them at police,” one witness told BOSSIP. Several witnessers told BOSSIP they saw angry fans hurl glass bottles at the cops. MetLife Stadium employees also told BOSSIP that one fan picked up a table and hurled it at a state trooper. “Somebody picked up a table and was arguing with the police and hit the officer in the neck,” the employee, who didn’t want to be named for fear of losing his job, told BOSSIP. “Then, all of a sudden, the police came from everywhere.” Fans inside the concert were largely oblivious to the melee outside. In a statement posted to Facebook, the New Jersey State Police said they deployed officers after unruly fans tried to force their way into Summer Jam. “This evening, security personnel at one of the entrance gates to MetLife Stadium were confronted by crowds attempting to illegally enter the sold out Summer Jam concert by climbing over fences and forcing their way through security personnel,” the police statement read. “The gates have been shut and troopers on site have called for assistance from several nearby stations to help maintain order.” Hot 97 said in a statement that a “small number of people created an unsafe environment,” forcing police to bar further entry to the one night only show, which is billed as one of the biggest concerts in hip hop. The Manhattan-based radio station said that ticket holders who couldn’t get in would be given a full refund. “When fans realized tickets were not available at the box office, a small number of people created an unsafe environment, and for the safety of all guests, the New Jersey State Police were on scene to disperse the crowd,” Hot 97 said on it’s website. “The gates were closed at that time. No further entry was permitted into the event.” Nimi Hendrix/Instagram

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Dear Bossip: He Doesn’t Want Kids & He Proposed To Me, Yet I Want Children

Posted on June 8, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am 26 years old and I have been in a serious relationship with my now fiancé for almost 3 years. He is 40 years old, and has two kids (11 & 16) from a previous marriage. When we first met he was very upfront about not wanting anymore kids or to even be married again. I was fresh out of a long-term relationship so marriage and kids were the last things on my mind, and I wasn’t even sure at that point if I ever wanted kids. Well, fast forward a few years and we have since moved in together and he has done something he once said he’d never do – he proposed to me! He has proven to be a great man to me; he is faithful, God-fearing, hard-working and smart. The problem is that I have realized in the past few years that having at least one child is very important to me and that I can’t see living life without becoming a mom. Terrance, this has become a VERY touchy subject. He does not talk about it unless I initiate the conversation and he changes his mind like he changes underwear! One day he will say, “Yes,” when I ask him if we could possibly try for a baby. Then, the next day it’s “Hell, no!”  This is the ONLY thing we fight about. We have had some really bad arguments where he’s cursed me out and told me to “Leave him the f**k alone!” about it. It has left me feeling hurt, upset, unwanted, and as if my wants/feelings don’t matter. He says that he wants us to “enjoy each other, travel, and spend money,” and he feels that living a financially comfortable life with him should be enough to make me happy. I was recently more upfront with him about my feelings and the fact that I want a child (with or without him). He made me feel stupid by saying, “What? Are you going to leave me and have a baby by the first man you meet?” Obviously this isn’t the case, but it had me second guessing myself, like, is what I want really possible? So, long story short, I can’t see myself marrying him if he is firm on not having any more children. I’m at the point where I am willing to walk away from this relationship so I can find a man who is willing to raise a family with me, but I am also terrified of the idea of leaving him. I know I will resent him in the future if I give up having a baby for him and he will probably resent me if he agrees to have one with me just to make me stay. So, it’s lose-lose.  How do I initiate this breakup and do you think I’m crazy for wanting to leave? I’m so torn and it’s starting to take a toll. Any advice is appreciated. – Want To Have Children Dear Ms. Want To Have Children , Well, it appears you have already made up your mind and you want me to co-sign it for you. You stated in your letter “I can’t see myself marrying him if he is firm on not having any more children. I’m at the point where I am willing to walk away from this relationship so I can find a man who is willing to raise a family with me.” And, if he’s told you from the beginning that he doesn’t want to have children, and you keep asking him and he tells you no, and to leave him alone, then I’m sure he’s certain about not having any children. Therefore, you know what you should do, but as you stated you are afraid of leaving him because of the comforts he provides for you. Also, you’re uncertain because though he said he would never get married again, surprise, surprise, he proposed. Now, you’re confused because he proposed to you, so, you figure that if you wait then he will eventually change his mind about having a child. It’s obvious that you two are not on the same page. You want children. He wants to be financially secure to travel and do things. He wants money. He already has children, and is presently dealing with a pre-teen and a teenager. And, I’m sure he is paying child support. Thus, it leads me to believe that he is fearful of two things – 1.) Getting married again and what if it doesn’t work out. He’s been married before, and now he’s in 40s. He can be scared about the prospects that if this doesn’t work, and you have children, and he gets another divorce, then, he will be stuck paying alimony and child support for the rest of his life. So, he will never get the chance to save money, travel, and spend like he wants. Which also, and probably, explains why you two live together. It cuts down on the costs of living separately, and he is paying child support. Your combined incomes help tremendously. Besides, him being in his 40s, he is thinking of his future and retirement, which I’m sure he hasn’t been able to really save as he’d like. Thinking of his future, his children will be old enough where he doesn’t have to pay child support, and he can finally travel and spend like he wants. Having another child will severely affect his retirement, and he may not want to take that gamble. 2.) He has children. As I stated previously, one is a pre-teen, 11, and another is a teenager, 16. They are growing. They have medical expenses, school costs, clothes, activities, and other expenses including child support which are probably eating up his costs/money. So, for him, having another baby is expensive, and he will have to go through those early baby years again. And, he may be freaked out about having another child. Also, he knows that if you want one, there is the possibility you will want another. Now, since you two are not on the same page, it is important that you discuss this together, and get to the real root of what is freaking him out about his definitive resistance on not having any more children. Otherwise, this will always be the underlying issue of your relationship, arguments, and eventually you will leave. But, I am concerned that you stated he makes you feel hurt, upset, unwanted, stupid, and as if your needs and feelings doesn’t matter when it comes to the issue of discussing having a child. If you’ve expressed this to him, and he continues to make you feel like this, then, why do you remain in this relationship? No one should hurt you, make you feel unwanted, and or to feel stupid and as if your needs and feelings do not matter. You’re human. You’re his fiancé. He should make sure you have and get what you want. Why berate you and curse at you because you are interested in having a child, and want to discuss it with him? Now, if he’s tired of discussing it, and, if he feels he’s made himself adamantly clear about it, but you keep bringing it up, then, perhaps it’s time to drop it, and start deciding on what you want to do, if even leaving the relationship. Also, the fact that he doesn’t want to have any more children, and he’s been married previously, yet, you’ve never been married and don’t have any children, but he proposed to you, however, he expects you to be a stepmother to his children. That is a double-edge sword and it’s unfair. He wants you to inherit his baggage, and take all that comes with him, including his children, but he is not willing to accommodate you. Notice that you’re a woman with no children, so, he is not inheriting any children, or extra mouths to feed and clothe, only your extended family. So, is and was that intentional by design? Did he purposely seek you out and date you because of this, and was that the first thing he asked you in the beginning of your relationship? Also, what would have happened if you did have children? Would he still be with you, or have asked you to marry him? Who knows! But, what if he meets another woman who has children, then, is he willing to take on her children? I strongly recommend pre-marital counseling. It will help you resolve this issue. I’m sure a counselor will tell you that you two are not on the same page, and if he continues and persists about not having any more children, and, he discloses his real reasons for not wanting any more, then, you have to do what is best for you. Money cannot buy happiness. Money cannot replace the feeling of motherhood. Money cannot compensate for having a child. If that is his goal, and it’s not a goal of yours, and a child is what you desire, and it is not what he wants, a marriage will not fix it, but only make it worse. You will be miserable, and unhappy, and eventually you will resent him, and ultimately end up in divorce. Think this through thoroughly. I know it’s scary to leave and start over, but it will not be the end of the world. You will meet a man who is single, never been married, nor has any children and he will want a family with you. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He Doesn’t Want Kids & He Proposed To Me, Yet I Want Children

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Dear Bossip: He Blames Me For His Drug Use, Depression & Violent Outbursts

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We were 15 when we met. We have three kids together. Our problems started 8 years ago when I first cheated on him after the birth of our first child. Ever since then we’ve been constantly fighting. But, things seem to have gotten worse when he started smoking weed about 4 years ago. It seems that ever since he started smoking our fights have gotten physical and he just went downhill. He lost his job two years ago because he began to show up to work late and he would always argue with his manager. Ever since then I’ve been the main provider for my family. He blames me for him smoking weed. He says because I cheated on him that’s why he’s depressed. I feel so bad and I have so much guilt, but I don’t feel that what I did justifies the way he continues to treat me. Our fights have gotten very physical. When he’s sober he gets violent with me, and then he’ll get high and he’ll be so much calmer. He’ll act like nothing happened, but I’ll still have a grudge and things just don’t get better. We also argue because of sex. He wants sex everyday and I don’t. He makes sex feel more like a job for me because I know if I don’t want it he’ll get mad. So, most of the time we have sex just so that I won’t piss him off. We just recently got into a fight because he says I don’t pay enough attention to him. But, he’s so aggressive and violent, and it’s not just with me he’s that way with everyone in his family. I left to stay with my mom and I’ve been ignoring his calls, but I love him and I do want to be with him. But, I’m so tired of feeling scared and tired of taking care of someone who has the capability of taking care of themselves. I feel so bad and guilty because I left him and he doesn’t make much money and he doesn’t have a car to get to work. I need advice. I don’t know what to do. – Tired Of Being Tired Dear Ms. Tired Of Being Tired , Don’t stay. Don’t go back. Don’t feel sorry or bad for your decision to leave. You have to save yourself and your children and begin the work on healing yourself. If not, you will go back to the situation, things will continue to go worse, and you will grow miserable, and depressed yourself. You didn’t say why you cheated after your first child, but you do play a huge role in this situation. And, I find it convenient that you left that crucial piece of the puzzle out of your story. Why? You’re going on this rant about him, and all of these things he’s doing, but you owed up to the cheating and infidelity which seems to snowballed this entire situation. Why leave that out of your story? Why not share what was going on with you, and him? What was it that drove you to cheat? Whatever your reasons for cheating, you should have worked that out after you cheated, and got into therapy, or you should have left the relationship. If you’re cheating, then it’s obvious you’re not getting something at home, or your partner is not providing you with something that you feel the need to go out and get it from someone else. Regardless, you cheated, you stepped out on your relationship, and you broke the trust. Your actions were contributors to his reactions. Does it justify his behavior and treatment toward you? – Hell NO! Do you deserve to pounced on, mistreated, and physically abused? – Hell NO! Are you responsible for him losing his job and not taking care of his business? – Hell NO! Are you obliged to have sex with him every day even when you don’t want to? –Hell NO! I also find it interesting that the violence seems to be an “our fights have become physical.” You didn’t state that he was the physically violent one, but that you and he are both physically violent. Thus, you are complicit in this physical violence. Don’t throw rocks then hide your hand. If you’re both putting hands on one another, it’s time to go! Point blank simple. Violence in any form should be the end of the relationship. But, here are some things I want to address: One – You are not married. After 13 years you are still playing house. You are still giving him everything with no commitment. Why? Why are you not married? This is a problem. You folks want to be in these long-term relationships, producing children, and co-habitating with one another, yet, you want the privileges and expectations of a marriage. HUH? I’m confused. Why be together 13 years, and all you have is this sob story, pitiful relationship, and you’re seeking a way out. You don’t have to seek a way out because you can just get up and leave. You don’t have to file for a divorce. Just leave. Go to court and get full custody of the children and put him on child support. Two – He smokes weed and wants to blame you for him smoking weed. I’m sorry, but how did you force him to go to the weed man, purchase the weed, roll it up, and smoke it? He claims to be depressed and his resolve to handle it is to smoke weed? Girl, stop and tell him to have several seats. He’s listening to his homeboys and getting advice from them, and one of them probably mentioned he should start smoking to take the edge off. Now, he has a created a habit, but wants to blame his habit on you and what you did to him. Don’t take the blame for that. Don’t feel guilty for it, and don’t allow him to put it all on you. He is a grown ass man and he chooses to smoke weed. Instead of being an adult and doing what most responsible and mature adults would do and seek therapy, he resorts to smoking weed. Therefore, please know you are dealing with someone who is emotionally, and mentally unstable. Three – As a result of him smoking weed, he used to fight with his manager on his job, and lost his job. Again, he’s emotionally and mentally unstable. He didn’t work for two years, and you became the caretaker and provider of the family. He’s not emotionally or mentally able to handle taking care of his family. He is not a provider or supporter. He is another child in your home. Then, he fights with you, and it’s become physical. His emotional and mental well-being has become unmanageable and now he’s physical. TIME TO GO! LEAVE HIM AND STAY GONE! Four – He’s demanding you have sex every day even when you don’t want to. Uhm, I’m sorry, but why do you have to engage in having sex with him every day? It’s your body, and he can’t impose upon you something that you don’t want to do.  Having sex daily is taxing, and if you’re not in the mood, or you don’t want to do it, then it became painful and not pleasurable. Besides, it seems the only reason he wants to do it is because he feels you’re ignoring him, or you don’t pay him any attention. Again, how old is he? He’s acting like a child, and that you owe him something. What he’s basically saying it that you owe him for making him smoke weed. You owe him for making him depressed. You owe him for making him lose his job. You owe him for making him treat you the way that he does. And, you owe him because you don’t pay him enough attention, so you owe him sex. You don’t owe him a damn thing! He’s throwing a tantrum and pouting and pointing the finger at you for his miserable and pathetic life. Girl, please leave this relationship, and recognize it’s a dead relationship. I don’t want to hear how much you say, “But, I love him and want to be with him.” Why? What does he have to offer you? He’s mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Once a relationship resorts to violence, it is time to go! Find the strength, power, and encouragement to leave him. If you don’t he will drain you emotionally and spiritually. You will become mentally tired, and the physical abuse will grow more intense. Save yourself and your children. You have to choose your life and your children’s lives over his. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He Blames Me For His Drug Use, Depression & Violent Outbursts

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Dear Bossip: He’s Not Legal & I Offered To Marry Him, But I Don’t Trust Him

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for 2, going on 3 years now. I just turned 22 and he is 30 years old. But, you literally could not tell by looking at him, seeing that he looks very young, about 20 and he acts very youthful. About 5 months into us dating he was looking for a new place to live because his aunt who he lived with was relocating and was selling the house. He didn’t know much about finding a place in America, seeing that he was in the states for 3 years. So, I tried helping him find a place, but to no avail. I felt bad for him and told him he can stay at my place since his aunt was selling the house within a few days, but he would have to continue looking for a place to live. He lost his job working as a sales person and couldn’t find another one, which was a little strange to me, and he began to stress out. Around this time he came clean to me and told me he was married and going through a divorce, and also told me he wasn’t legal in America and that his wife volunteered to “help him,” but he left her because she cheated on him. So, he decided to go through the process alone. Right then and there I already knew what time it was. Now, before you start saying, “She’s so young and naive.” No, I am far from it. I decided that since his wife didn’t help him, then I will, only because he’s a very, very ambitious person with sky high goals, a go-getter, caring, intelligent and motivating person, even to this day and someone like that needs a chance. After telling him that I would help him, things got back to normal. He received a job and decided he would stay with me and help pay the bills and rent. My mother literally fell in love with him, my brothers go crazy over him, and he makes everyone laugh, and feel comfortable. He motivates everyone he comes in contact with. He’s still the gentle man he was from day one. Holding doors open for myself, as well as others, male or female, pulling seats out and he just oozes mannerism. I have nothing negative to say about him except…he’s very sneaky. About 6 months into our relationship with him living with me, I noticed he would always walk around the house with his cell phone and would never leave it in just hanging around like any normal person would in their home. He would tuck it under the couch, take it in the bathroom with him. That’s when I knew something was up. So, one morning I decided to check his phone and low and behold there’s a pic of another woman’s private area in his message. When I confronted him about it he didn’t apologize all he did was laugh…a very nervous and, “Oh, -ish I got caught” laugh. I told him he is very ungrateful and disrespectful especially if he knows that I’m helping him with his “legal” issues. Months go by and I go out for my birthday to California, and he lost his phone. The neighbor found it (my pic was on his screensaver) and something told me to check his Facebook because he always told me he didn’t have one, but I knew he did. I checked the messages and almost every female he messaged he asked them when they would have sex and even asked a female to go out for drinks on my birthday! He apologized (because he got caught) and volunteered to delete his FB. Now, that was in the pass and I got over it, but it still kills me inside. Fast forward to 2015 and things changed drastically since the beginning of our relationship, and I could tell he started to have a lot more respect towards me and we began to have much more fun. A few weeks ago he received a call from a female and she asked him if he was watching “Empire” because she could hear it in the back ground. He says no and she asked who is. He says, “uhhh…” that’s it. He doesn’t tell her his woman is watching it like how he would tell his male friends. He knows the password to my phone and I don’t care because I barely call or text anyone, and I’m not doing anything I’m not supposed to be doing. Now, all of a sudden he has a new phone and even if I look at the phone it’s like he’s going to die. Last night we were watching TV and I asked him if I could use his phone to edit my pic since I deleted that app from my phone. He said sure, but instead texted someone 2 times then deleted the text and told me he will edit the pic for me. I replied by telling him that I know how to do it and he still refused. So, I explained to him what I seen him do and he literally sat in my face and told me I’m crazy because he isn’t texting anyone. I do have strong feelings for him and he’s really an amazing guy. He helped me receive a job I’ve been dying for. He’s always there for me and vice versa. We literally stay up all night talking about how we want to open up multiple businesses and want other couples to look up to us. But, I just cannot deal with the sneaky side to him. Please help me figure out what to do. I know what to do, but I’m still holding on. – Don’t Trust Him Dear Ms. Don’t Trust Him , Did you say he doesn’t look 30, and he looks like he’s in his twenties, and he acts very youthful? Welp, why are you complaining about him when he’s acting like the age he thinks he is? He’s young, silly, and immature, but you’re investing him because???? By the way, you are young and you are naïve. He is taking advantage of you, the situation, and the opportunity. You claim to be so mature, yet, this fool that you had only been dating for 5 months  misled and lied to you about his life and situation. You didn’t know he was married, which meant you were dating a married man, and still are. He told you he was illegal in America, but you chose to harbor an illegal person in your home because, please, again tell me how smart and mature you are? SMDH! You do realize if he –ish goes down, you’re going down too because you know he is here illegally. But, then, you sit your so smart and intelligent ass up here and offer to marry him to keep him in the country talking about someone like him deserves a second chance. Please tell me how smart is that? Please tell me why you, someone who is not naïve, would offer to marry someone you barely know, and he’s been lying to you from the beginning, and he is still lying to you. (Sips tea) You have this fool living in your house, but, he’s emailing, texting, calling, and attempting to hook up with other women even after you’ve offered to help him and his situation. Yeah, okay. You’re smart and you’re not naïve. I have a question – Who is going to pay for his divorce from his wife? And, when is this supposed to happen? Oh, yeah, and when are you and he getting married? (Sips tea) What’s sad is that you allowed this man into your home and then you let him meet your family. But, he is playing all of you. He is manipulating and being deceptive to your mother and brothers, telling you all what you want to hear. He’s showing you what you want to see. If he’s deceptive and sneaky with you, then why would you think he wouldn’t be the same with them? Then, you say he motivates everyone and he makes people laugh and feel comfortable. Well, they have a name for someone like that – con artist. You notice the pattern that every time you catch him in a lie, or catch him texting, and talking with other women he laughs if off, and doesn’t admit it. However, he falls into the pattern of being on his best behavior for a few days or weeks, and you think everything is fine and things are going great, until you learn he’s doing it all over again. HE HAS A PATTERN! Wake your young dumbass up and stop being naïve. He’s playing you. And, I bet he’s already met up and slept with another woman. You’re not as smart as you think you are. He is one step ahead of you. What’s sad is that you keep believing his ole okey-doke bull-ish about getting married, being this perfect couple, opening up businesses, and having this wonderful life together. Sweetie, he is using you until he can become legal in this country. Trust and believe that he didn’t leave his other wife because she was cheating. She left him for the very same reason you should leave him. He’s the cheater. He’s the liar. She recognized his game and she woke her ass up and realized that he was using her to get into this country, and she learned he was hitting up other women. And, now he’s found another pawn, that will be you, and he’s playing you like the young naïve dumbass you are. Notice that the beginning of your letter when he came to you with the sob story that his aunt was moving and he had no place to go. Yeah, I don’t believe that. Then, he had days to find a place to live, but he couldn’t find an apartment, or room to live? I’m sorry, but I’m sure he knew his aunt was moving way before he told you. She didn’t just decide to up and leave and sell her house. That takes time. He is the one who waited until the last few days to tell you because he had a plan. And, now he’s living with you. Then, he lost his job. Oh, how convenient. But, let’s say that all of this really happened. You offered to let him stay with you, but the deal was that he was supposed to continue looking for an apartment. Well, what happened to that? Why didn’t he continue looking for a place? You see, Ms. Honey, you’re not as smart as you think you are. You think you have the man of your dreams. You have a con artist living with you. Get him out of your life. Move on from him and do not marry this man. He is not to be trusted. If you can’t trust him now, then after you marry him please know that things will not change. He will continue doing what he is doing, and it will get worse. You will find out he’s sleeping with various women, and he will be staying out late, taking them to dinner, and will have a full on relationship with them. The man received a call from another woman while he was sitting with you watching television, and he didn’t even state you were his woman. HELLO!?!?! And, he has a new phone and he’s doing the very same thing he did when he had his last phone. He won’t let you see it. He has it with him at all times. He’s gotten smarter about deleting his messages. And, girl, please know he didn’t delete his Facebook. He has another one, but it’s under a different name. Don’t play yourself. And, stop letting him play you. If you’re so smart and not naïve, then do what you got to do and put him out of your house. You don’t owe him anything. You are harboring an illegal in your home, and you’re dating a married man. End this relationship and find someone your own age, and who doesn’t have all this drama going on in their life. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I Have Thoughts About The Same Sex & I Don’t Want To Be Gay

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , All my life I have tried to force myself to get rid of these thoughts. These thoughts haunt me daily. I am attracted to women being a male, but there’s something I’ve been forcing myself to control and that is that I’m seeing men as attractive. I hate it, and I hate myself. I do not want to be gay. I sometimes cry myself to sleep and I am deeply depressed. I need to know why in the world these thoughts consume me when I can’t control them. I’m stuck because I don’t feel as though people are born that way and things happened to me during my childhood that traumatized me that could possibly force me to have these feelings. I’ve been sexually abused by a man in my family and I told no one. Now, what is happening to me is being twisted around to make me feel as though it was my fault by my aggressor. The only reason I won’t say anything is because the fact that it happened disgusts me. I wish I could find help and some reason for why I have these feelings. Again, I don’t want to be this way. What should I do? I am on the verge of losing my mind. I have a feeling a lot of young men are dealing with this issue and me stepping up to ask these questions can help someone else. – Struggling With My Sexuality Dear Mr. Struggling With My Sexuality , I truly feel for you, and I empathize with you and your struggle to understand your sexual thoughts and desires. I cannot tell you how to fight these desires, feelings, and thoughts you have for the same sex. I cannot tell you that these are abnormal thoughts, and it is not who you are. Your feelings, thoughts, and desires are your own, and only you can decide for yourself how you will identify, if you choose to do so. However, just know that you are okay the way that you are. You are fine. You are a beautiful human being, and there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing you need to fix. The fact that you mentioned that you are attracted to both men and women may mean that you could be a bisexual male. It’s interesting that you stated that since you have an attraction to men you shared that you don’t want to be gay. You still have desires for women, from what you stated. I suggest that you research and read up on bisexuality. Also, understand the entire range of LGBT – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transsexual. I am concerned that you were abused by a man in your family and have not told anyone. I do hope that you will strongly consider talking with someone, and deal with what happened to you. I am also concerned that your aggressor turns the situation back on you, which means you are still in contact with this person, and he makes it appear as if his rape and assault on you was an invitation by you, or something you did. That is not the case. Your aggressor is a pedophile and someone who is mentally ill. What they are doing to you, and have done to you, is classic for a pedophile who doesn’t want their secret to get out, and they know they are wrong for what they did. He doesn’t want you to tell you anyone, and he is making you feel guilty for what happened, thus, he is manipulating you and controlling you. Tell someone. Tell everyone. Tell anyone who will listen and put him blast. Do not allow him to continue to control you, and make you feel you warranted what he did to you. I also recommend that you get into therapy and speak with a licensed and professional therapist to deal with your depression, the assault you endured, and your thoughts about your sexuality. You cannot manage this alone, and you cannot keep these bottled up. You will do more harm and damage to yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Please get help and deal with these issues before you spiral out of control. Being gay or bisexual is not wrong and neither does it mean that there is something wrong with you. Your sexual identity is a part of who you are, and no one can determine your sexuality but you. Please do not feel that people are not born that way, and that there is something wrong with being LGBTQIA. People think that persons choose to be gay, and it is not the case. Ask a heterosexual person if they choose to be heterosexual. They may say or tell you it’s wrong or abnormal to be gay or bisexual. And, then you ask them what is right and normal. And, normal based on what? Normal defined by whom? Normal according to whom? Hell, there are many people who thought, and still think that being black is abnormal. You can’t help who you are, and know that you are brilliantly and beautifully designed the way you are. It’s going to be long process for you to get to where you learn to love, accept, and appreciate who you are. Work on embracing yourself. It begins with you first. I do hope that you will stop hating yourself. I do hope that you will stop allowing your rapist to turn this on you. And, I do hope that you get the help you need. If you keep beating yourself up, hating yourself, and accepting the blame for what your rapist did to you then you will end up harming yourself and others emotionally, mentally, and physically. Lastly, I do recommend reaching out to an LGBT community center in your area, and schedule some time to go and speak with someone. They can help you with resources, and information that can help you understand who you are, and provide support groups and meetings, as well as a counselor/therapist you can speak with. So, today, claim victory over your life. Claim love. Claim acceptance. And, claim power. You deserve to be accepted, loved, appreciated, and empowered. – Terrance Dean Photo source: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I Have Thoughts About The Same Sex & I Don’t Want To Be Gay

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