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Dear Bossip: We Were Homeless While I Was Pregnant & I Moved Home & Offered Him To Come But He Declined

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , I have been with my man for 2 ½ years now, and I am 9 months pregnant with both of our first child. I am 22-years old and he is 23-years old. When I found out I was pregnant we decided to relocate from Tennessee to Kansas to better provide for the baby. However, a combination of bad luck and bad choices had us living in a car until I was 8 months pregnant. I’ve truly been through hell and back with this man by my side. He had no motivation to work and what money he came up with he spent on drugs. I consistently worked throughout the pregnancy, but we could never get on our feet on my minimum wage paychecks. He’s repeatedly tried to cheat. He’s sneaky, disrespectful and lies. He talks bad about me, and he puts his friends and drugs above me. He doesn’t even stick up for me or the baby in front of his family. He has been in and out of jail in Kansas for domestic violence against me. As cliché as this sounds, I stayed because I truly love him and thought we’d work through it. I believe the drugs turned him into a monster and the pregnancy hormones turned me into a bish. His only redeeming quality as a father is during the last weeks I was with him he was staying off the drugs, paying more attention to me and the baby, and overall trying to be a good provider. As my due date crept closer we were literally on the streets and I decided I would not be homeless with a baby for any reason. I decided to go back home to Tennessee. Conditions of his costly 1year probation included he could not leave the state and a strict no-contact order between me and him, so we decided the best thing would be for him to accept a shorter 4 month jail sentence and get it over with. Therefore, he will miss the birth next week and the first months of her life. The problem is before I left Kansas we made a plan. He was supposed to get out of jail and come to Tennessee to be with us. I am supposed to start college in January 2014 and he was going to work and watch the baby to cut back on child care costs. I already bought his bus ticket and have a place for us to stay. So, imagine my surprise when I talked to him on the phone and he’s decided he wants to stay in Kansas after he gets out and work with some of the guys he’s met in jail, no matter the fact that he’ll be homeless when he is released. At first he said he would come to Tennessee after he could get a car, but then decided he wants to get an apartment up there and send for us. Who knows how long that would take, but more importantly what type of man voluntarily misses out on time with his first baby like that? Plus, he knows my campus is in my hometown, so I can’t just move away like that. I’ve asked him to at least visit his child with the bus ticket, and he’s being shady about giving me an answer. A part of me feels selfish because I refuse to leave Tennessee where I have support and school. So, why should I hold him back from being in Kansas and getting his life on track? On the other side, I’m mad that I can take care of my business with a baby to raise, but he gets to stay up there and do it without her. What solution is there? I know he can’t cope with the physical part of long-distance, so I just want to end it. Honestly, I would die if my daughter were to date a guy like this. So my question is of loyalty. Is it wrong to leave him while he’s in jail? Should I continue to stay by his side during his incarceration and tell him when he’s free? I am the only one who is still here for him or will have any kind of contact with him. I pay for the phone calls, put money on his books and send mail. I’ve been loyal to this man the whole 2 ½ years and wanted to marry him one day. Now I’m a single parent and ready to move on. – He Says One Thing But Does Another Dear Ms. He Says One Thing But Does Another , I don’t know what the issue is. You’ve already decided what you’re going to do. So, just leave him. Why prolong this and draw it out? And, why in the hell would you stay by his side while he is incarcerated and tell him when he’s free? Get the –ish over with today and be done with him. He’s made his choice and decided on what he’s going to do, so why are you trying to be a ride or die chick, holding him down while he is incarcerated, and sending him money to put on his books and accepting his phone calls? I swear the hood –ish will never get old. Your man of two and half years has decided he is going to stay in Kansas, where he has done nothing but get into trouble, and now has a record because of his antics, has no home, no car, no job, and no means to make an income. And, you’ve offered him a bus ticket home, a place to stay, support to get back on his feet, and a chance for him to be with his child. Yet, he chose Kansas. I don’t understand some of the decisions and choices folks make when, especially dumba** choices that will jeopardize their livelihood, and well-being, but they are so stuck on stupid and can’t make rational choices because of their inept mental and emotional well-being. SMDH! Let’s look at the facts ma’am. 1.) Your man has a drug problem. There is nothing you can do for him. And, you do not want that type of person around your child, and to be left alone with your child. What happens when you’re at school and he comes across some money and he needs his drug fix, so in his impaired judgment he leaves the child alone to “run up the street for a minute,” to get his drugs? Then what? You can lose your child to Child Protective Services because your drug addict boyfriend can’t make rational choices due to his drug use. That is not a healthy environment to bring up a child in, nor is it a conducive environment to leave your child alone with a drug addict, despite him being the father. 2.) You worked, he did not, does not, and probably never will. You got a place to live for your family, and he’s coming to live with him, however, he still won’t have a job, no money, and no way to provide for you and the child. You want to be a responsible parent, and he wants to stay in Kansas and play. He’s sneaky, lies, talks bad about you, and repeatedly tries to cheat. And, you want to stay with him because……? (I’ll wait while you ponder this) 3.) And, he’s not a good father, so stop lying to yourself and to anyone who will listen. This man had you, pregnant in another state, with no place to live, and you were homeless. How is that a good provider? How is he taking care of you and his child, and preparing to be a good father if you’re struggling, dealing with his new prison record which will further make him unable to get a job because of his record? Please explain to me how a man who will decide to leave his girl and child to go and work with some men he met in jail. Really! Really? He’s going to work with some men he met in jail? Bwahahahahahahaha! Girl, stop! 4.) The man has assaulted you while you were pregnant, and has been in and out jail for domestic violence. Sigh! You women won’t stop chasing these silly a** little boys, and babying them and nurturing them like you’re their mothers, despite the physical abuse. The man has put hands on you. There is no reason, no need, and no redeeming factor to stay with a man who puts their hands on you. If he does it now, he will continue to do it. And, if you stay then just know that he will eventually do more physical harm to you, and we’ll be hearing about you on the news. And, your child will grow up parentless. So, stop taking his phone calls and running up your phone bill. Stop sending him money, and stop writing him. As a matter of fact write him off! End this tumultuous relationship and get yourself together. Go back to school, lean on your support system to help you with your child, and empower yourself. You’re young and have the entire world ahead of you. Dream bigger for you and your child. You can do anything you put your mind to, and you don’t need someone bringing you down and wearing you down in the process. You are not his mother, his provider, or his wife. Stop trying to make him do better, and be the man you want him to be. He is not going to change. As you build yourself, grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually you will look back at him and the experience and see it as a stepping stone and blessing to where you’re going. Use your experience with him as a way to look back and tell yourself that you will never get back into that situation ever again, or even date a man like him ever again! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: My Ex’s Girlfriend Is Violent & I Don’t Want Our Child Near Her So I Gave Him An Ultimatum

Posted on August 6, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , My child’s father and I were together for over 8 years. I met him while we were both stationed overseas in the Navy. We have not been together for over 2 years. But, I’m not writing about why our relationship failed. We have a 5 year old son that we co-parent. We have learned that we are better as friends and have agreed that we will raise our son together. One morning he texted me and told me, “Good morning,” and, “Have a good day.” This is common so I thought nothing of it. Later on that day he called me and told me not to respond to the text. When I asked him why he told me that he left his Ipad at one of the female’s house that he is currently seeing. We both have Iphones and Ipads, so with the Imessage being linked to the Ipad, it will send your text conversation to the Ipad. Seeing that he left the Ipad over to the female’s house, she was able to see what he texted me. He told me don’t reply to any text message I receive from him until he gets his Ipad. I told him that I did not reply to text message anyway. And, that was the end of the conversation. Later on that night he called me and told me that him and the female got into an argument about him texting me good morning. He told me that she was chasing him around with a knife and a cinder block around the house in front of her 4 children. I told him that was unacceptable and that if he valued his life and wanted to see his son into manhood that he would need to stop seeing her. I feel that any person that you are in a relationship with, male or female, that will cause you bodily harm then you don’t need to be with them. He agreed and that was the end of the conversation. That next night he called me and asked for a favor. He wanted me to talk to the female because she wanted to ask me something. I immediately told him NO! I told him that there is nothing that we needed to discuss. And I hung up. He called back later and asked to Facetime with our son. He talked to our son for a while and then asked to speak to me. While we were talking all of a sudden the female comes on speaker phone out of nowhere. I couldn’t believe it!! I was too upset. I felt that he set me up because he knew I would not talk to the female. Then she starts asking me about how much he texts me, and why she couldn’t come to our son’s party and a whole lot of other mess. I simply listened to her rant and rave about this and that. After she was done I told her in a calm voice that I don’t argue with people and that there was nothing for us to talk about. And, that I communicate with him for our child, just as I’m sure she talks with all of her 4 baby daddies. And, that what we talk about has nothing to do with her unless she is going to start helping out financial with our child. And with that I hung up the phone. My question is this: After all of this I told him that if he was going to bring his mess with his females to me then he does not even need to call, or even to speak to our child. I don’t like drama and when it is brought to me I shut it down. I don’t deal with it. I have been told that I am wrong for telling him not to call or have him around her. And, I told him anyone that is threatening to kill him and chase him around with a knife then they don’t need to be around my child. I mean if she feels that it’s acceptable for her to do it in front of her children then that’s her. But, in front of mines, no, it will not go down like that. And, lord forbids there is a time that she actually kills him. Was I wrong for giving him the ultimatum of? It’s either her, or our son. – It’s Her Or Our Child Dear Ms. It’s Her Or Our Child , Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am! This right here! Yassss! I don’t blame you! You shut that –ish down quick, fast, and in a hurry! Werk momma! And, I feel like you, I don’t have time to sit around arguing with folks, nor divulging in drama or stress. Ain’t nobody dealing with all that –ish, and especially not when it involves your children. Hell to the naw! So, yes, you did the right thing by telling your ex and his woman that what goes on between you and he has nothing to do with her, and particularly it has nothing to do with your child unless she is contributing financially to his well-being. Other than that, she needs to stay in her place and in her lane. There is no reason she needs to have conversations with you. For the hell what? What’s going on between he and her is between he and her and has nothing to do with you, just like your child and what goes on between you and he has nothing to do with her. She needs to learn how to stay in her place. Also, she doesn’t need to be at your son’s party. Why? For what? It’s a child’s party for your son and his family. She is your ex’s girlfriend. She needs to slow her damn roll and your ex needs to make sure to put her in her place. She just wants to come and be in your business, and to meet you. And, she wants to flaunt herself around the party that she is in his life. Uhm, she can have several side chick seats on the sideline. But, as you can see she is unstable and mentally and emotionally unhealthy. And, definitely when someone displays signs of being physically abusive, then it is time to go! Why would you want your child in that environment? If she will chase your ex around the house with a knife and cinder block in front of her children, then there is nothing to prevent her from doing something like that in front of your child. So, no, unless you arrange supervised visitations, then don’t leave your child with him and that woman. Who knows what she is capable of doing, and what will set her off. Yeah, you don’t play when it comes to your child, and she is threatening physical violence. I don’t know if you have child support arranged, or how you are handling your visitations, but I strongly encourage you to arrange with the courts to have supervised visitations, and explain to the court what happened and why you feel your child will not be safe in her home, and why you don’t want your child left alone with them. That will resolve that matter. And, your ex needs to get a handle on his home front and situation quick, fast, and in a hurry. This woman is going to do nothing but try to cause havoc and chaos in his and your life. And, I don’t blame you. Don’t get caught up in his drama and his mess. He’s trying to wrangle you in by having you talk with her to resolve the issues he’s created with her. Sorry, but, err uhm, he’s got to be a big boy and hold his own. You handled the situation classy and tactfully. You informed both he and her that you don’t engage in arguments and drama. You will not entertain her insecurities, nor his requests to appease her or his relationship. And, why would he even think it’s okay to call you up and talk with her? You are not in high school. You are grown folks. And, if she is that insecure about what he’s doing and who he’s texting, then perhaps she doesn’t need to be with him! So, don’t get caught up in their mess. Explain to him how you won’t get involved, and for him to not involve you with their drama. You had a good arrangement up until then, and if he can’t handle that then you will get the courts involved, and the courts will help resolve it for you. Also, remain in communication with your ex about the best ways to have visitation because you want him to be involved in his child’s life, but you are not allowing your child to be with them, particularly her, alone. Unfortunately, you can’t control who he dates, but, you can work out some type of arrangement of how and the type of environment you feel is best suitable for your child to be exposed to. And, explain to him why you feel the way you do. I’m sure you can work something out. But, you are doing the right thing, and I commend you on being a grown woman and not engaging in your ex’s girlfriend silly and immature tactics. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: A Month After Meeting Online I Got “Vibes” We Were Together & I Pleasured Him But Saw Him Online Again

Posted on July 26, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , So, I met a guy online. We’ve been “talking” for a month now. We’ve been on two dates and have seen each other casually at his job and at my house a few more times. I thought he was becoming my boyfriend. So, one morning after a “juicing” date at my place, he worked out some sore muscles of mine with a great back massage. I thanked him with a BJ! It just happened! I didn’t plan for it to. Things got a little weird and distant that day. I thought maybe he was tired from his 24-hour shift at work. When we texted one another that’s what he said, “I’ve been sleeping…” Curiosity caused me to go back to our meeting place…online. And, who do I see “ONLINE NOW” plain as day? Boyfriend! Now we never established titles, but I certainly thought I was feeling those vibes. Where did I go wrong? – Sick And Tired Of Screwing Up Dear Ms. Sick And Tired Of Screwing Up , Uhm, ma’am, your first mistake was assuming he was your boyfriend after only a month of meeting him online. Next, you never established these titles of boyfriend and girlfriend, so why would you assume he was your boyfriend? Then, because you had some “vibes” of thinking the relationship was headed toward you and he becoming an item, you assumed he was feeling what you were feeling and you dropped down and decided to reciprocate his back massage with a BJ. Uhm, hmmm, he gives you a back massage and you turn around and give him a BJ? I don’t think that is appropriate reciprocity. But, that’s just me! Ole’ fast a**! Unless he went down on you, then why would you go down on him? Look, I tell you folks about meeting folks online and not clearly establishing any boundaries before you hook-up. You had two dates and have seen each other casually at his job and at your house a few times. So, here is the problem I have with this scenario. Why do you women bring these men back to your homes? Do any of these men have a place/home of their own? Why does most of the letters always include the men going to the woman’s house? If these men do not have a place of their own, then I would be concerned about his residency and why he is either living at home, or wherever he is living. Because nine times out of ten, if the situation moves forward guess what happens? The man moves in with the woman. How about this, how about inquiring that if he has a job then why doesn’t he have his own place? He can afford to live on his own, so why isn’t he living and paying his own way? I’m just inquiring and curious. If he is not living on his own, then in the back of your mind you should be wondering if he uses women, does he always shack up with women, and how is his credit? HELLO!!!! Next, what is “juicing” dates, and how does it lead to him working out sore muscles with a massage? I’m assuming you came from the gym and you decided to go back to your home and juice some vegetables and fruit. But, look here, sweetie, a juicing date could have been getting a juice drink at the gym, or Jamba Juice, Smoothie King, Trader Joe’s, or some Farmer’s Market in your area. Stop bringing these men to your home for “juicing” dates. Chile, the tee-hee-hee-hee-hee is that you got more juice that morning when you decided to give him a BJ after he gave you a back massage. I hope the protein was worth it. LMBAO! So, then you get suspicious after slurping his protein shake from his nut sac, and when you heard from him 24 hours later he said, “He was sleeping.” You go to the very place you met him, ONLINE, and discover that he is ONLINE looking for another hook-up. Welp, what more do you need to verify he was not interested in establishing you as his girlfriend, or having a serious relationship with you? He just wants a hook-up and nothing more. He just wants to get his “juicing” on with women and you were more than eager to please. You’ve known him for a month, and whatever bull-ish he told you, or whatever you heard to fool yourself into believing he was interested in a relationship, then you should have verified it all in a conversation. Before you dropped down and slurped from his nut sac, you should have established the relationship, where it was going, what he wanted and what he was looking for. And, you should have been clear about what you wanted and what you were looking for. There should have been a meeting of the minds and establishing that you both were on the same page, and not assuming, or having “vibes.” SMDH! And, if you were so eager to give him a BJ after he gave you a massage, he probably assumed that you met men online and did the same thing with them. If you were so eager to put his man meat in your mouth and slurp him up, then he probably felt you did this to other men. This sexual act is telling to a lot of men, and especially if you’ve never had sexual intercourse and you’re already giving out BJs. For some men it’s a quickie, and way to show power over women. Also, for some men, a woman who is quick and fast to give a BJ and there has been no intimacy such as kissing, or sexual intercourse between you, then he assumes you may a freak or hoe. And, he doesn’t consider you girlfriend material. He can just come over and whip out his dong and you drop down and pleasure him. This is a lesson learned. Stop bringing men to your home that you met online. Stop assuming or going off “vibes” if you have not had conversations with a man about where the relationship is going, or if you are on the same page. And, lastly, don’t give out BJs unless he has gone down on you. Quick being so over anxious and eager to please a man, and he is not working hard to please you. Chile, you didn’t get any flowers, candy, dinners, bags, more massages, or him whispering in your ear or sending notes saying, “You’re special and I really want to be with you. You turn me on, and I see myself with you. Spending my life with you. You are beautiful, intelligent, and you stimulate me in more ways than one.” Girl, you gave him a BJ and he was back online within 24 hours looking for another hook up. STOP THE MADNESS! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: This Man Almost Destroyed My Life & My Job Made Me Divorce Him & He Blames Me For His Downfall

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip, I am 44-years old and have 5 kids who are all pretty much grown except my two teens. I met a man who is 6 years younger than me and he was so nice and made me feel like I mattered. I am overweight, but I have a beautiful heart and soul. But, after a couple months he changed and called me horrible names and tore my soul out. Then, he said he was sorry and I listened to him tell me that he has been through sad and painful relationships with women and his mom. So, I gave him so many chances then he seemed to be okay. Then, I noticed when he drank he became someone else. I always had to prove to him I loved him. I wouldn’t cheat and I couldn’t have friends because it was about us only. Then, I started to hear so many things about his violent past and how he had been in prison. I am not a judge so I gave him a chance. Then, we married. Why I don’t know So, with my job I have to submit finger prints for any adult who lives in the home. His didn’t pass and I found out even more stuff that he had done as a teen. The state pulled my license and I couldn’t work for over three months or get a job due to the fact I was married to this man. I almost lost everything and couldn’t feed my kids or pay bills. He moved to his aunt’s home because I had to save my job to feed my kids and myself. So, my job said I couldn’t be married to him. I filed for a divorce and felt so horrible, but I had to because he hasn’t worked ever since I’ve known him for the last 6 years. So, he sleeps in the park and calls me names and says it’s my fault. But, I paid his child support and supported him physically, financially, and mentally. And, when I couldn’t feed my kids or our dogs he just said what do you want me to do I don’t have a job. He never told me he was bipolar. He’s made my life hell, him and his family. I just want to know, I guess, am I wrong for saving my job of 15 years to feed my kids? – Job Over My Husband Dear Ms. Job Over My Husband , Wow! I’m truly sorry for all that you’ve been through. This is truly traumatic and devastating. And, I want you to know, first and foremost, girl, you don’t owe him a damn thing! The hell is wrong with that man! Be glad that your job did you the favor and made you divorce him sooner rather than much later. Your life would have ended up with you destitute, crazy, homeless, and broke! No ma’am! No man is worth losing your health, wealth, mentality, and emotional well-being over. But, look here, you had all the clues and insights into this man before you married him. You just didn’t pay attention because as you said you are overweight, and this man showed you some affection and attention. Uhm, sweetie, I don’t care how overweight or how you feel about yourself, but don’t ever let your self-esteem and self-worth be tied to how a man, especially a man who makes you feel good because you are uncomfortable and unhappy with yourself. He saw his way into your life, and his weasel a** squirmed right into it and played you. And, I bet that is what happened. He made you feel good about yourself for a while, and once he knew he was in your good graces his ugly colors began to display. Once he called you out of your name the first time that should have been the last time. No amount of sorry, “I won’t do it again,” or, “Other women and my mom made me this way,” should have sufficed for you to take him back. Sorry! I’m not buying that bull-ish. Once a man calls you out of your name, it’s time to chuck up the deuces and bounce. It’s a foreshadowing of what’s to come from him – emotional, mental, and physical abuse is around the corner. The next clue was his drinking. SMDH! Sorry, but a man who drinks to escape his problems is a man who is unstable and unworthy of your time and life. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a drunk? An alcoholic? Would you go to the corner and pick up a drunk man and move him into your house? Hell no! So, why would you continue to maintain a relationship with this man? I tell you that some of you women are so desperate to have a man you will do things that are detrimental to yourself, your family, and your well-being. It’s not worth it. No d**k is worth your sanity! And, the other clue is this man not having a job. Uhm, sweetie, why, oh why, would you put up with a man who has not held a job for six years? After the first six months, hell, the first three months, and he didn’t have a job he should have been put out of your house! If he can’t earn his own money, then he can’t eat. If he is not contributing to the household, then he can’t stay. You don’t pay any bills, then you are not using and running up the electricity, water, cable, phone, or any other bills. GET TO STEPPING! On top of it all you were paying his child support payments, and you supported him. Let me do some woo-sas! This man lied to you and manipulated you. He played into your low self-esteem, and the pity party you have about your weight. He made love to you and you fell for the ole okey-doke. This is the dangerous drug of what d**k does to some women. A man in between your legs whispering the things you want to hear makes you feel good about yourself. However, all the while he is lying and deceiving you. He didn’t tell you about his violent past. He didn’t tell you about his prison record, his destructive behaviors, his bipolar, and why he is the reason and problem for why his life is a mess! You are not the reason his life is the way it is. Stop feeling sorry for him, and tell his a** to man the hell up! So, change your numbers, locks on your home, and block this man out of your life. Move on, and be grateful that your job did you a huge favor and made you divorce this man. Be grateful that your job saved you and your children’s lives. Your job, and your ability to take care of yourself and your children, is far more important than this fool who tried to bring you down and destroy your life. And, you can always exercise and lose weight. You can always do things to change your physical appearance. It just takes some commitment, time, and love. And, in that love you work on you, heal yourself emotionally and mentally. You deserve better. Let his a** sleep in the park. That’s where low-life bums go when they don’t want to do anything but blame the world, and others, for their situation and problems. You are not his responsibility. Your responsibility is to you and your children. Believe that! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Dear Bossip: This Man Almost Destroyed My Life & My Job Made Me Divorce Him & He Blames Me For His Downfall

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Dear Bossip: My Ex Wants To Reconnect, But How Do I Tell Him That He Didn’t Satisfy Me In Bed

Posted on June 14, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I broke up with my ex well over a year ago; and we are both in our 40’s. It wasn’t a messy break up; we basically drifted apart and went our separate ways. One of the reasons I started to drift away from him was that while he pursued me, he went above and beyond to get my attention and “make me his.” About 7 months after he “got” me, his efforts to “keep me” began to slack off to the point where I started to feel like perhaps he was seeing someone else. I didn’t really care about that, though, because by this point, I wanted him to leave me alone (you’ll understand why in a minute), so I let the drifting apart continue and we eventually stopped contacting each other totally. Well, lo and behold, he’s started calling/texting me again. After not responding back at first, I decided to say hi via text because honestly, he’s a nice guy, we had loads of fun together (except for the problem I’m about to mention) and I wouldn’t mind us hanging out on a platonic level, but he wants more and here’s where the problem comes in. During the time we were together, his sex was WACK. And I hate to say it like that, but it is what it is. When we talked before dating, I hadn’t been with anyone sexually in over a year, so by the time we had dated for about 2 months, my glands were ready to see if what he kept talking about in regard to his skills was true, and oh my goodness!!! It wasn’t . I tried introducing things into the mix–nothing freaky because I just wanted to see if he was at least good with the basics. He was fine with me showing him how to keep me “revved up”, but after that, I didn’t expect to have to show him all of the time, but that’s what it turned into. Everything else between us was alright; not perfect, of course, but I couldn’t get past this issue right here because it seemed like the sex part of the relationship was more for his pleasure and not for both of us. Now that he’s starting to bark up my tree again, I want to relay to him that we will not be dating like that again and why. I’ve already expressed that I didn’t want to date him again, but along with repeated invitations to dinner and drinks that I keep declining, he keeps pushing me for a reason why I don’t want to date him again-which is totally understandable. But how in the world do I tell this man that he does not satisfy me sexually without crushing his ego? I don’t want to be mean; I just want a way to relay this to him without hurting his feelings; which may be too much to ask for. Any suggestions? – The Whole-Package-Seeker Dear Ms. The Whole-Package-Seeker , Well, you gave it the good run the first time around. However, you drifted apart. He didn’t satisfy you sexually, and as you stated, “I wanted him to leave me alone.” So, my question to you is if you wanted him to leave you alone, then why did you answer his text? Why did you start this communication up with him again? If you weren’t friends before you started dating, then why do you think you can be ‘platonic’ friends now? That doesn’t make sense. It was a 7-month relationship that fizzled out faster than it started. Ma’am, don’t go back. He’s an ex for a reason. And, you’re smart and savvy enough to know why he’s an ex. So, stop entertaining him, and playing with this man! Ugh! But, the real Tee-Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee is that you like him chasing after you. You like him pursuing you, begging you, and running behind you. You are enjoying this attention because I’m sure he is the only man giving you any attention right about now. So, because you have nothing else to do, or better yet, you have no one else occupying your time and slaying your walls, you’re entertaining your ex! Don’t play with me this morning! I’m not your ex. These little games of “I don’t want him and he keeps calling me, and I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to be with him because he didn’t satisfy me in the bedroom,” is all Bull-ish! You’re a grown a** 40-something year old woman. I am quite certain you know how to articulate with your Big Adult Words, and express yourself. So, I want you to Stop it! Stop this behavior right now and grow the damn hell up! Because trust and believe, if you had a man in your life, you know, Mr. Total-Package, and he was blowing your back out, and servicing your every need, giving you the “D” in the morning and at night, you wouldn’t have time to be stringing your ex along. Your focus will be on Mr. Total-Package and looking forward to what new position, and how many orgasms he’ll be giving you. BOOM! BAM! POW! Look here, your ex has not changed. The man he was in the relationship with you, he will be the same man as a platonic friend. BORING and GETTING ON YOUR NERVES! And, from what you’ve shared about him, he is repeating the same behaviors he did to get you the first time. He is chasing after you, wearing you down until you finally give in. You don’t see this pattern?!? HELLO! Ma’am, you can’t be friends with this man. He will not be your friend. He is not interested in being friends. He wants to strike up a relationship with you again, and unfortunately you both left the relationship for various reasons, yet, you didn’t have any closure. So, with no proper closure, he figured it was an open door to return. This is the opportunity to close the door for good, and be honest with him. I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings, and you don’t have to. Just be honest with him and say, “Look, you’re a great guy. You deserve to be with a woman who will love you and give you what you deserve. However, I am not that woman. I have needs, desires, and wants. Unfortunately, in our relationship I found that our sex life was not satisfying for me. I attempted to introduce you to various things, and ways of how to please me, and it was apparent that we were not sexually compatible. I think it’s best we simply part ways. I wish you the best.” You see how easy that is? Instead of stringing this man along for another several months, playing with him, toying with him and giving him some hope of reconciliation, you just end it. If you don’t end this relationship, close this door, and move on, then unfortunately, Boo Boo, your Mr. Whole-Total-Package won’t be able to come into your life because you’re still holding on to Mr. Didn’t-Satisfy-Me. And, no man wants to enter into a woman’s life with another man lingering around in the margins. So, end it. Stop playing with him, and seeking his attention. Give him closure. Be honest and truthful with him and yourself. And move on! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Nove l (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Dear Bossip: He Wants Custody Of His Ex’s Child, But It’s Not His & I’m Having Our First Child Which He Refers To As His Second Child

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am currently in a loving relationship with my high school sweetheart. We are both 25-years old and I am expecting a baby girl this month. We broke up in 2007 when he wanted to move to GA and I wanted to stay in NY and finish college. However, we reunited in 2011. During the time we were not together he was a dating a girl who manipulated him into believing she was pregnant with his child. Once the child was a year old a DNA test was done and it proved that he was not the child’s father. Yet, my boyfriend is still attached to the child and still treats him as his own. In addition, he is looking at our child as his second child. My boyfriend also wants to fight for full custody of this child so that he can live with us. I completely understand his attachment to the child and I support him being in the child’s life, but I do not feel like it is fair for the child to move in with us. This will be my first baby and I will be forced to be a mom and a stepmother all in one shot. The child is currently living happy and well with his great grandmother, but my boyfriend insists that the child should be with him. I don’t even know if it is possible for him to gain full custody being that he is not the child’s biological father. Also, I believe the child’s mother has a problem with me being pregnant. I can’t even wrap my mind around why her and her family is happy with my boyfriend pretending to be this child’s father. I have been keeping my opinion to myself and just being as supportive as possible, but I don’t believe that is the best thing to do. A social worker recently told me I should convince my boyfriend to get counseling to help him learn to let go of the child. I am just very confused about what to do and I do not want to be labeled the bad guy. I just want me and my boyfriend to be happy. I would love to hear your opinion on the situation. Thank you very much for your time. – Not His Child Dear Ms. Not His Child , What the??? I mean I’m all for men stepping up and being a good dude, especially a man who steps up to the plate for a child he didn’t know about, but, a child that is not even his, and he wants to seek full custody of this child, and he’s not even with the mother of the child?!? That is quite bizarre and strange. Let’s consider perhaps it’s because the child is a male child and he’s developed both an emotional and mental bond with the child. Maybe he feels he can do more for the child than the mother, and the father. And, if the father isn’t present in the child’s life he may feel some guilt with the child being without a father. And, during the relationship he had with the mother and with her family he probably built an emotional bond with them, and may feel sorry for the mother because she may not have the support system, or wherewithal to care for the child as a single parent. Regardless, however, I agree with the social worker that he should receive counseling to get to the root of his connection with the child, and why he feels the need to seek full custody of a child that is not his. And, the fact you are pregnant, and he is not acknowledging your child as his first child. Something is really off about this. It sounds as if he hasn’t connected with his own first child in such a way that he has with this other child. But, your child hasn’t been born as of yet, so you don’t know what bond may occur when your child is born, and what feelings he may develop once your child is in his arms, and a part of your life. Things may drastically change. But, I’m more concerned that you haven’t expressed your feelings around this matter with him. You say you don’t want to be the bad guy, and you’ve kept your opinions to yourself, as well as tried to be supportive of him and this situation. Uhm, sweetie, this is a contradiction of what you really feel, and thus, I imagine you have garnered some resentment toward the child, and this situation. If you don’t speak up and speak your truth, then you will grow angry, and bitter. If you’re not feeling it, and it makes you uncomfortable, then speak up! You won’t be bad guy for speaking your truth. If everyone around him is hyping him up to believe he can gain full custody of this child, then they are all lying to him. It will crush him when he goes to court and the judge tells him the truth. He may go into a tailspin of depression, and anger, and he may even become distant with you. We don’t know what the real damage this may do to him, so it’s best that someone be honest with him, and don’t contribute to this pipe dream he has. And, what I know for sure is that you are upset and hurt that your man is considering your child his second child, and the other child as his first. You’re hurting and upset because you don’t know why he is claiming a child that is not even his, and he is not even acknowledging your child as his first child. You’re saying to yourself, “How dare he think of our child as his second child? I’m carrying his baby, she didn’t! I’m not deceiving him, she did! Why hasn’t he connected with me like he did with her?” Those are the underlying comments and statements you’re saying to yourself. Boo! I peeped your letter and what you’re really saying! So, stop playing the supportive and loving girlfriend who is trying to be there for her man, and be real about your feelings and emotions. You don’t think it’s fair, and you don’t appreciate not being acknowledged, especially your first child with him. You don’t want this other child in your home, and you want to move on with your life with your boyfriend, be a family, and one day get married. You want this other woman out of your life and nothing to do with her, because if he gets full custody of the child then she will forever be in your life, and you don’t want a reminder of her in your life. You just want to move on! That is the truth of what’s going on! Now, if you keep your feelings bottled up, and you don’t say anything, then one day you’re going to snap, and it won’t be pretty. You’re going to say some things, and he’ll say some things, and then your relationship will be over. And, it’s all because you refused to speak up and be honest about your feelings and this situation. And, on the real, I don’t think he can legally seek full custody of the child that is not his. The courts will seek out the father of the child first before they hand over the child to your boyfriend. And, even if the mother gives up custody of the child, the courts will still seek out the father. He has not legal claim or stake into gaining custody of the child. So, it’s time to get real and be real. I suggest meeting with the social worker, and let them speak with your boyfriend about his desires to pursue legal custody of the child. The social worker can be real with him about his options, and share with him how they may be unrealistic. Also, ask the social worker to recommend a counselor that your boyfriend can speak with about this emotional and mental bond he’s developed for this child. The counselor can help him get to the bottom of his feelings, and what’s really going on beneath all of this. Again, he may feel guilty and want to do for the child, and may feel the mother is no position to care for the child. And, perhaps he desperately wants to be a father, and since your child has not been born yet he hasn’t that the opportunity to develop a bond or relationship with his own child. Maybe this will happen when your child arrives, and he may move on from his delusions of seeking custody of the other child. However, to err on the side of caution, it’s best to seek counseling and have him get to the bottom of his desires, and what is driving him. Good luck to you! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Dear Bossip: He Wants Custody Of His Ex’s Child, But It’s Not His & I’m Having Our First Child Which He Refers To As His Second Child

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Dear Bossip: I Give Him Money, Yet, He Won’t Make Me His Girl & He Said Unless I Give Him A Certain Amount He Won’t

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , I’ve been knowing this guy I’m seeing for about ten years. We meet when we were in high school. We always liked each other and messed around while we were in school. So, after we graduated we both went to different colleges. So, as time goes by, we run into each other again. So we immediately hit it off. He was so sweet and interested in my life. We just started talking and catching, getting to know each all over again. Then he told me that he need some help moving and he was two hundred dollars short, so I helped him. So, after a while he began asking me for money and lots of it. He has a job, but always wants to spend my money. Then I asked him since we’ve been talking for about a year why won’t he gal me, and he tells me that he’s not ready for a relationship. Then he tells me the only way he will gal me is if I give him a certain amount of money. He told me that if I gave him that then it proves that I really love him and is down for him. So, I gave it to him and then he started treating me worse than he already was. Then I told him that I couldn’t give any more money. Then threatened me by saying if I don’t give it to him then he won’t ever talk to me again. Then he tells me that he can find another girl who will do what I won’t. Then he only calls me if he wants money, but tells me that he loves me and wants to marry me. I don’t know what to do, but I love this dude. I want to know is he just using me or what? I really need some advice. – I’m So Lost I Need To Be Found Dear Ms. I’m So Lost I Need To Be Found , Lean forward and get real close to the computer screen. Closer. Closer. Closer. I’m going to smack the –ish out of you! Chile, I swear whatever college education you received they must have had a special – buy one degree, get one free and you were the get one free. Because clearly you are lacking education, street, and common sense. I’m going to get to the point because whatever –ish you’re smoking, you need to stop it today and do a spiritual, nutritional, and mental cleanse. I hate to say that you are a lost cause but, darling, you clearly have something missing in your head. Here’s the thing: No man, especially a grown a** man who is able-bodied and has a job, should be asking a woman for money. No man, and clearly a real man, would not even think to ask a woman for money and he is working and holding his own. Now, read this slow because I know it takes you a minute to figure things out, but do you think you should be giving him money and you’re not his woman? But, more importantly, if he has a job, and you’re a hard-working woman, do you think you should be cashing your check and giving him your money? (Think about it. Think about it. Think about it). Now, I’m from the old school of thought, and what I know about a man who is taking money from a woman and they are having sex, well, Ms. Thing, he is called a gigolo. Chile, you cannot be this naïve, gullible, and thirsty. Yes, darling, you are thirsty. You got a long straw sipping on this man’s love juices. Sitting up here letting this man use you, berate you, and demean you. Ma’am, this so-called friend is a gigolo. He is not your man, nor is he a friend because a friend wouldn’t be so vile and trifling to do what he is doing to you. You are paying for sex. Yes, ma’am. You are giving him money on HIS conditions which are, “If you love me, then you will do this. Or, I’ll marry you, if you give me money.” That fool is a pimp! Yes, a P-I-M-P! And, you, my dear, is his ho. Only hoes and prostitutes give their money to their man. Chile, I refuse to go any further because you are a wretched mess, and he’s even a bigger mess in pimping you the way he does, and your clown looking self thinks she has a good man. Chile, why do you keep giving him money with the hopes that he will be your man one day, and that one day he will marry you? You’ve got to be the dullest crayon in the box. I swear you’re working my nerves with this nonsense. MS. THING! Think about it. Every time he comes to you asking for money, and you tell him that you can’t, then he tells you how it’s over, or he wants you to prove yourself to him. Your dumb a** does it and he treats you worse. Where’s my belt with the brass buckle ‘cause I’m going to hit you in the face with it. Look, Ms. I’m So Lost I Need To Be Found, you need a wake-up call and I’m ringing the bell. And, it’s not that bell you hear for cows grazing out in the meadows. He has told you that he doesn’t want to be in relationship. Then guess what that means, boo boo? He doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and especially not with you. He asks you for money and you willingly give it to him. Girl, I am smacking the –ish out of you again, and this time I drew way back and reached from behind, and I hope it knocks your wig to the side. Stop giving him money!!!! He is not going to ‘gal’ you. And what the hell is that nonsense, ‘gal’ you? Folks, I tell you that education is the key to everything, but if you’re not paying attention in school and you’re skating by, you will be walking around saying, ‘gal me.’ WTF! Moving on. And, since that rat-bastard has told you that what you won’t do some other woman will, well, look here Pimping, you can go get another woman to do it because this ATM is shut down. Let him know that you’re out of business, the bank is closed, there are no more withdrawals, and if and when he is ready to settle down and be a man, and he is coming up off some money and making some deposits, then you will entertain a conversation. But there will be no more finance, romance, or any other –ance. It’s a wrap. It’s over. BOO-YAH! So, girl, get yourself together and stop breaking this fool off with your hard-earned money. You work too hard and too damn long to be giving it to somebody who is not even your man! Honey, take that money and start treating yourself to some manicures, pedicures, and get yourself a better wig other than the one sitting on the top of your head. Looking like boo boo the fool’s momma. Learn your value and your self-worth. You’re too valuable and too smart to be letting a man run this game on you and you’re not hipped to the game. Chile, you better stop playing with this fool before you end up broke, penniless, and with bad credit. It’s only a matter of time before you start putting things in your name for him. Girl, let me go before I smack the –ish out of you again! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: I Was Made A Side Chick Unknowingly, But Now I Miss Him & Think I Want Him Around

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am a 24 year-old mother and college graduate of one year. I already have a job in my field of Law Enforcement. I said that to say this, I am not usually confused in most areas of my life. I pretty much know what I want and go for it and I don’t let negative things cloud my judgment (usually). Well, I really don’t know where to start, but here it goes. I was with my daughter’s father for 7 years. I lost my virginity to him. We had her around that 7th year and during my pregnancy I found out that he had been cheating on me for a little over a year with someone else. I was extremely hurt and broken over that. Although it was very hard I ended that relationship and endured the joys and hardship of being a single mother, but I pulled through just fine. Well, that was 3 years ago and I have been single ever since, and my daughter has not ever seen me show any type of affection to any guy, not even her dad because I left him when she was only 2 weeks old. I am very protective over my child, as any mother should, and for the fear that a new relationship would not last and that would only confuse her once she became attached. I have not introduced her to anyone I’ve been out with. Well, almost a year ago, I met this guy who is 5 years older than I am. He was a complete gentleman and he asked me out on a date. I agreed because I was impressed by this approach. We hit it off. I found out he was in a previous relationship for 14 years and they have 2 kids together. I was a little suspect about that, but several dates came after that. I made him wait about 3 months before we had sex because for one it had been a while for me and I had only been with one other person and I also wanted to develop something more than just physical. And, we did…everything was perfect, months went by and I started falling in love with him, but I still did not allow him to meet my daughter. About 2 months ago, things changed. I saw him with the mother of his children dropping one of his kids off at a skating rink. I just so happen to be there taking my daughter to a party. I asked him about that and his excuse was he was spending time with his kids. Ok, so when does spending time with your kids involve you being in a car with their mother DROPPING THEM OFF??? We started to go out on dates less often and I stopped seeing him less often. I questioned him about the relationship with him and his children’s mother and he denied anything was going on. One day, I received a call from her from his phone and -ish hit the fan. She told me they had been married for some time and asked questions that any other woman would ask and I answered them honestly. She then woke him up and gave him the phone. Once he heard my voice, he hung up. Shortly after, he calls me and wanted to know why I told her the truth!!! I told him he made me the “side chick” unknowingly and that if I had lied for him, then that would have made me like any other “side peice.” I cut him off after that. I don’t know why, but I was not as hurt as I thought I would be and I haven’t given him any much thought since. It’s been 2 months since I’ve spoken to him, then all of a sudden he’s been blowing my phone up none stop, leaving voice mails saying how much he misses me and asking can we just be friends at least. I finally answered his call and told him I still wanted nothing to do with him and to just cut his losses and move on (just like that). Since then I have been thinking about him none stop and I’m starting to miss him a lot. I don’t know if it’s because of the fact that I have not had sex with anyone since him and I’m “f**kstrated,” or because I really do miss him. I’m starting to feel like I want him around after all…WHAT SHOULD I DO??? – Truly Confused Dear Ms. Truly Confused , Girl! LOL! I love your word, “F**kstrated.” And, that is exactly what you are! F**kstrated! Chile, this man lied to you. He deceived you. He manipulated you into thinking he was a single man who had a baby momma and that you and he had some type of relationship. Then you discovered he is married. And, now you’re writing and asking what should you do because you miss him, and you’re feeling some type of way. Uhm, boo boo, he is still married. He has a wife and family. Why would you want to be with this man? What would you gain? Why would you knowingly want to sleep with this man when you know he has a wife and a family? And, so now you’re okay with being a “side chick?” SMDH! Don’t be the other woman. It’s not cute. It’s not worth it. It’s not who you are. If you have all these morals and values around not introducing your daughter to various men, and you uphold standards of being a virtuous woman, then what lesson will your daughter learn knowing her mother is sleeping with a married man? How can you live with yourself knowing you’re sleeping with another woman’s husband, and you’re nothing to him but some a**? But, hold up, when his wife called you and she put him on the phone and he hung up on you, then had the nerve to call you back and ask you why did you tell her the truth? Girl, that right there is when you should have called his wife back and told her. But, you should have set his a** up and told him to meet you at a nice hotel. And, then you and his wife should have shown up together and whooped his a** together! Chile, you want to portray yourself to your daughter as if you’re a good woman and that you’re not out there sleeping with various men, but what will you say to her knowing that is not who you are? Let’s consider these facts: 1.) He’s married. He’s still calling you, and thus, this means he is lying to his wife. And, if he lies and cheats on her, he will do the same to you. Point blank! 2.) He’s done this before. Girl, I hope you don’t think you’re the first woman he has done this with. I’m sure the other women who were unknowingly made the side chick left his bum a** alone when they learned he was married. You’re the only one who is dumb enough to really consider being a married man’s side chick. 3.) He has children. You have children. Do you people really consider your children in your decision making when you’re playing these games? How will this affect them in the long run? What lessons they will learn from all of this? How do you explain to your daughter that you’re a married man’s side chick? 4.) You’ve seen him with his wife. You’ve spoken to his wife. Sooooo, you’ve reconciled in your head that despite seeing her, speaking with her, and him lying about his 14-year marriage that it’s okay to go ahead and continue your sexual relationship with him simply because you’re “F**kstrated.” Now, let’s get to the real root of your frustrations. You are exactly what you’ve declared, F**kstrated. You need some steady man meat in your life. And, you’re willing to compromise your morals and values because you’re d**kmatized. It’s not worth it. There are millions of single men in the world, and I’m sure there are many single men in your city, or area. Get yourself one of them and take out your sexual F**kstrations with them. You need the sexual stimuli and release with a man who can satisfy your desires and needs. You’re missing male companionship, and because you have all these rules that dictate your life, and with introducing men to your daughter, you’ve put yourself on a sexual hiatus. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can still have fun, enjoy yourself, and be sexually active without bringing men to your home. I’m sure there are plenty of men who have their own homes or apartments. Hell, you can even go to a hotel and get your freak on! Don’t deny yourself sexually if that is what you need. You just have to be creative in getting and doing what you need to do without bringing men to your home. Look, the point here is that you should tell that man to lose your number, block his number, and stop communicating with him. He’s married. That is something you don’t want to be a part of, or get mixed up in. Get yourself your own man. A single man who can satisfy your sexual needs and desires. And, hopefully it will lead to a relationship. Until it does, you can go to his home, a hotel, or find other creative ways to enjoy an active and healthy sex life. Honey, you’re a woman with needs. And, the last thing you want to be is a woman who is F**strated and laying up with some other woman’s husband. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Tagged Celebrity News, child, children, city, daughter, life, mma, mother, News, sex and relationships, terrance dean

Dear Bossip: I’m 22, He’s 44 & He Talks About Us Being Together, But I Haven’t Met Anyone In His Family, Or His Friends

Posted on March 7, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , Hello I’m dating a 44-year old man. Mind you I am only 20-years old. He is always talking about how he wants another child by next year. He’s also always talking about how he wants to get a house together, and what bills we would split or what bills I would pay and how we could afford a house with both of our incomes, and how we can get into car payments. Every time I talk about settling down he says it’s too soon and he wants to get a house first. I told him that I want to settle down then have another child within 3 years and get married, and then go back to school. I let him know I was not trying to rush anything but I’m not going to waste my time playing games and if he does not see me as someone serious to let me know so we can go our own ways. He is very good with my daughter even though she is not his. He’s also met my mom. I haven’t met anyone in his family. I told him I had an issue with a girl who he does not share kids with but at some point wanted to settle down with her. And she is calling, texting, and even Facebooking him. They live in different states but I don’t like the fact that she contacts him. He says I have nothing to worry about and that they are just friends. But, I’m not sure. He hasn’t told her that he and I are dating. He hasn’t even told his kids. I haven’t met his boss or any co-workers, or friends. I ask why he says he likes to keep his personal life private. How do I know if he wants to be with me or settle down with me? The other day he told me that I made his phone bill go higher than usual. He said I need to stop calling and texting so much. So, I told him okay, I will work on it for you. We both have the same phone company. I tell him to be honest and straight up with me. Please help me! – Dating An Older Man Dear Ms. Dating An Older Man , Throws hands in the air! WHHHHHHHYYYYY!!!!!??????!!!! Is this how they are living life in 2013? Is this what life is about in the hood these days? Twenty year old girls are giving themselves to men over forty. What life is this about? Is this about that senior citizen life? Chile, clue me in! LOL! Little girl, why are you not in school? Why are you not pursuing some profession or a career? Why are you dating a man who is more than half your age? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? I can’t even do this today. You truly have an issue with self-esteem, self-worth, and daddy issues. This is truly sad and unfortunate. I can’t understand why you would think you have something in common with a 44-year old man. What do you talk about? What life skills, issues, or lessons can you discuss? Plain and simple, this man is a predator and is preying on you and naivety. He is just using you for sex, and nothing more. This man needs to be castrated for preying on young girls, because I’m certain you’re not the first or last young girl he has, or will do this to. Let’s be real here: He is not going to purchase a house with you. He is not going to marry you. He is not serious about you. Why is he discussing splitting bills with you, and getting a car with payments? Chile, puhlease! What house can you two afford with both of your incomes? Please tell me what house is this. What income do you have at 20-years old that you are bringing in that you feel you can purchase a home? Chile, open your eyes and see that you’re just a young girl whom he is taking advantage of. He’s filling your head and telling you things you want to hear. IT’S ALL A LIE!!! The sad part is that you’ve made all these connections, yet, you’re unable to put the clues together. Let’s play Blues Clues. Let’s see if Dora the Explorer can figure this out. You ready? Okay, chile, you’ve never met his family. You don’t know where he works, or met any of his co-workers. You’ve never met any of his friends. His own kids don’t know about you. And, the woman he’s texting, calling, and spending Facebook time with doesn’t even know about you. Now, that fact that you’ve pointed all of this out, then what does that tell you? Come on, Lil Keisha, you can figure it out. A man who is this private, and keeping you a secret, well, you’re not even a secret. You don’t even exist. No one knows you are a part of his life. Now, put the clues together, and what do you get? You can do it! You can do it! Let’s move on. I want you to tell me what do you think is the reasoning behind him not telling ANYONE about you? Oh yeah, it’s because you’re not dating. You’re not in a relationship. You’re not his woman. He’s not your man. He is just playing you. Lying to you. Deceiving you. And, you allow yourself to be lied to, played, and deceived. What are you lacking in your life that you need a 44-year old man in your life? Is it because you have no father-figure in your life, thus, you’re looking for daddy, and this man is a substitute for the father you want in your life? Boo, you are out of your lane and league. This man has truly done a job on you. He’s playing into your youngness and age, and you’re not even smart enough to get hip to his game. Girl, stop letting this man in your life. Get rid of him, and his lies. That predator is fulfilling some fantasy and unless your name is Tinkerbell, then burst his fantasy bubble and kick his a** to the curb. Get yourself into someone’s school. Work on getting into a profession or career, and leave your granddaddy alone. It’s time that you recognize that when a man keeps you a secret it’s because you’re not someone whom he sees as important in his life. So, if you haven’t met his mother, family members, other kids, friends, co-workers, and other significant people in his life, then you are a non-motherf*****g factor! Stop allowing him full access to your life. He’s not worth your time, space, or energy. And, until you recognize this, you’ll always be hidden from his life. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!