Girls! All we really want is girls! Well, that’s all we really wanted at the beginning of this season’s competition, because a woman was due to win the crown. Now, three weeks in? We don’t want that anymore. No, the women have failed us. I mean, the men have too. I will write this exact same post minus the wo’s tomorrow. But right now we are talking about girls, and the girls are stinkin’ dinkins. Aren’t they? If the girls were a movie, they would be Good Luck Chuck . That movie isn’t even entertaining in a bad way. It’s just bad. If the girls were a food, they would be lima beans. A car? The Plymouth Sundance. They are bland and awful. Swamp rot. Cow’s cud. Dung. And the judges know it! Oh boy do they know it. Betcha wish you didn’t sign a five-year contract nowwww, Ellen! Seriously, how much must she regret it? Simon’s leaving after this year, the contestants are about as good as a production of Candide featuring Penny Marshall as Cunégonde, and Randy is actually starting to physically change into a Mole Person. Plus, Kara won’t put out. Maybe that’s why Ellen is reeking so hard in the judgin’ zone. Maybe she hopes that if she’s awful enough, Fox will let her out of her contract early. So it’ll be more of the “It was good!” and “I don’t know…” until May, I fear. It’s just how it’s going to be. It Was Good! Saying something about Crystal Ninjatrousers at this point is just dumb. Everyone knows that she blew it out the bowerbox. She sang that Gimme One Reason to Stay Heeeere song, by Tyler Perry, and she had her little amp next to her and yeah, she’s going to win the entire show, isn’t she? Is there anyone who might beat her? Maybe one of the other girls, like Alex Lambert or Little Pippy Urban. Wouldn’t it be so fantastic if Tim Urban won this season of American Idol ? This likely last season that any of us will watch. Ryan says his name and then there’s a loud creak and groan and a shower of sparks and a huge rafter swings down and kills Ryan, like the nice teacher in Carrie . And then Kara starts shaking and says “What’s… happening… to … meeeeee…” and her hair grows long and she grabs on to Randy but by then she is mostly bones and then she falls to the ground and her dessicated body shatters and all that’s left is her Nazi pin. (Somewhere Paula sits in her chainmail and says “Simon Fuller chose… poorly.”) And then pretty much everyone else is dead too and that’s it for Idol and Tim Urban is just standing there amid the carnage, smiling like a hunk piece of Wisconsin cheddar would if it could smile, wondering when he should start singing the new victory song, “With Wings to the Mountains of Our Dreams.” He figures now’s as good a time as any and starts bleating it out as the place goes up in flames and Simon’s chest explodes a mini Seacrest comes screeching out. Who else was good. Um… Sigh. I suppose that Lacey Brown didn’t totally whiff it this week. I mean, she’s still gross, but it was an improvement . Same for Didi Beady or whatever her name is. “Rhiannon” was a fun choice and she looked pretty, so good for her. Nice one, Doodi Tooti Fresh ‘n Fruity. I Don’t Know… Paige Miles. First off, has the child never watched the show before? If you sing “Smile,” you will go home. The producers will make it so. Because it is wayyy too good of an exit song to let it pass. Also, if she’d watched the show, Paige would realize that this is a competition for people to have contemporary singing careers. I think she maybe misunderstood that. I think she thinks this is a show where you just listlessly sing pretty songs a little bit and just kinda stand around, for fun. Simon keeps harping on about how she’s got such a good voice, but have we really heard that, at all? I have not. But maybe I am watching a different show than you. (I figured “American Irdool” was just a typo on my DVR.) That video above was Siobhan Magnus dedicating “House of the Rising Sun,” a song about prostitute sex workers, to her dad. That is one dizzy dame, huh? She is weird even for Idol . I’m not entirely convinced that the Siobhan Magnus experiences time in the same way that humans do. I think she might be the last airbender? That is a possibility. Whatever she is, she is off-putting. I know I’m supposed to like her because she is quirky and hit one high screech-note (also a Screech note) last week, but I just kind of don’t like her at all. Something’s awry there. Something unsettling. I don’t remember Willa the Wisp’s performance in the slightest, so I’m assuming it wasn’t terribly good. Anyone care to elaborate? Is there anyone else on this show? Am I forgetting anyone? Other than the person mentioned below, I mean. The Teen Scream Oh isn’t Katie Stevens the worst . Oh I just can’t stand her! The whole package is just so unappealing. Her weird strut, the fading gleam in her eye, the perky slope of Disney hair. It’s just wildly tone deaf. The producers’ strange attempts to produce a Miley or a Taylor this year were really fumbly and sad. Both girls, Haeley and Katie (eeeeeeee!), looked promising and then totally fizzled. I would not be surprised if Katie is sent packing tomorrow and she was supposed to be a frontrunner! They gave her the last-of-the-evening “pimp slot” the first week and everything! But alas, she buckled or caved or something else bad and implodey. If Katie Stevens were a car, she would be six million Toyotas. OK. I think that’s it for today. Tonight: The Men. Will Alex Lambert have to deal with his daughter Jan’s jealously issues with her sister? Will Tiger the dog show up? Will Tim Urban strip down to his shiny blue underoos and perform a sexy dance for Ellen, who can never shut up about his good looks? These are all questions we await the answers to. That chomping and scraping sound you hear is Simon grinding his teeth and praying for May. It’s us, too.
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American Idol: When No Man Loves the Women [Recaps]
