Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to put a cute dress on a magazine cover. The delusion that will stop print from going extinct. The vision of concentration. The delusion it leads to victory. This week our quilting bee of death got into the bonnet of Marie Claire magazine. We wonder how that happened? It’s not like they’re sponsoring the show or anything. The challenge was to make a dress to be on the cover of the rag’s April issue modeled by Heidi Klum herself. They got this directive from Joanna Coles Editor-in-Chief of Marie Claire Magazine, who also gave the designers some instruction about what looks the best in print. Then it was off to mood with a modest budget to work their tiny little fingers to the bone for the last time before they outsource all the work to a sweatshop in a third world country (or China) just like the rest of the fashion industry does. Speaking of bad things here are the: Things We Hated : Not Listening : What is up with designers who don’t listen to instructions. Even worse than not following the rules of the challenge is following the rules but missing all the nuance from the person giving them the assignment. Joanna Coles Editor-in-Chief of Marie Claire Magazine told them all what they should avoid—black, drab colors, patters, things with detailing on the bottom—and what they should focus on—bright colors, detailing at the neckline, something that will pop. What do these people give her? LoganJesse’s is a blue so dark it might as well be black, Amy’s is a shoulder pom pom vomiting up a technicolor print like it’s a ball of yarn disemboweled by a rabid cat, Jay’s has this long asymmetrical train thing that would get cropped out of a photo, and nearly everyone’s was a color of the walls in a suburban apartment complex painted the most boring shade of bland to attract the somnambulists who want to live there. None of these won. And who was applauded? The ones who gave crazy color and detailing up top. See, people. Fucking listen! You don’t know better than the experts and think you do is going to give you a short career in fashion and a long career waiting tables at Red Lobster, which is where Andre is now trapped for eternity. Seth Aaron Shirtless : Our favorite part of the “getting ready montage” that is in each episode is we usually get to see a cute boy naked. Who do we get this week? Not hunky Jay or pretty boy Logan Jesse, but paunchy asshole Seth Aaron whose entire chest has the pallor and hairiness of a backside that hasn’t seen the sun since the Clinton administration. Don’t do this to us again, please. Dead Weight : By now we know some of the people who are never going to make it to the final: Seth Aaron, Jesse, and Janeane. Can’t we just cut them all at once next week and let the really good people duke it out? Tear Up Weepy Janeane : We have already established that Janeane like to cry. This week we have diagnosed her with a severe psychological disorder. We think she is, and this is the scientific term, a complete fucking mess. If she’s not talking about emoting the turmoil in her soul or grunting and squealing like a pig trapped in a fence, then she is worrying that everyone is better than her and she’ll never finish her garment on time. Seth Aaron, give this girl one of the Klonopin you have stashed in your luggage. Sister needs it! Tim Gunn Is a Burn Out : No, he’s not out back smoking pot (though that would be funny) but he just seems to have lost the old mentoring mojo. Instead he is just a well-dressed robot, spouting off his handful of usual catch phrases, corporate messages, and designer minding instructions. he’s like a doll where you pull the string and he gets up, twirls around the room, and says one of three pre-programmed things before crashing lifelessly on the floor, just out of reach of the dirty martini he so desperately needs. The Winners : Every week there has been someone who deserved to win more than the person they selected to win. With the except of last week, when Amy really deserved to win for her best of the worst red dress, they judges have been a shade off each time. We hope that doesn’t happen when they finally crown someone with the top prize. Things We Loved : The Challenge : Finally these are stakes worth having. Say what you will about Marie Claire, but most obscure designers would kill for a chance to get their looks on the cover of a national magazine, especially on the body of Heidi Klum (hopefully inbetween bouts of bearing her latest spawn). Sure it might not have turned out that great for Jay McCarroll, but this could be a boon for each of them. Setting the bar high made everyone try their hardest, which always makes for good TV. Madam Butterfly on Acid : This is how Jay described his look. We couldn’t have said it better. Fabulous. Suzanne Sugarbaker : We hated Anthony at first, but she grew on us. Now she is the shining beacon of this show. Even after she won this week (spoiler alert!) she over reacted a bit on the runway, but unlike the first week, it was cute and endearing. Keep on working, Suzanne. We don’t think you’re good enough to take home the final trophy, but we’re going to love watching you try. Tickle Me, Emilio : While Suzanne Sugarbaker doesn’t have a hope of being the top designing woman, Emilio actually does. He’s talented, just bitchy enough, and not afraid to fight hard to win a challenge. This guy is perfect for Runway. If only he could augment his talent and personality with Suzanne Sugarbakers. Then he’s be the second coming of Christian Siriano and well on his way to a long career as both a designer and general star-kissed famous person. Joanna Coles Editor-in-Chief of Marie Claire Magazine : She was the guest judge and she was as mean as she was pretty. We would say we know where NGFDMCM got it from but we know she had it before she worked with her current boss. But JCEICMCM has many of the same qualities as NGFDMCM. Their editorial meetings in the Heart Building must be epic whirlwinds of ego and smooth, slickly worded underminings. Heidi’s Laugh : When Suzanne was named the winner (spoiler alert!) and started laughing inappropriately on the runway, Heidi retorted with a laugh of her own. If Tim Gun’s chuckle is like a shower of Werther’s Originals, Heidi’s laugh was sharp, prickly, and unexpected—like 10 million toothpicks fired out of a air cannon at a crowd that thought it was going to get some free T-shirts but instead got a face full of splinters with colorful bits of cellophane at the end. In the end it was Suzanne Sugarbaker who took home the top prize (spoiler alert!) for his blue dress that looked like a raspberry Icee trapped in a tornado. He stole the top prize from Ben whose post-apocalyptic geisha was fresh, different, and made for magazine cover. Also with strong showings were the under-appreciated Jonathan with a ’70s-inspired onesie for the dock of Aristotle Onassis yacht, Amy aforementioned cat/yarn/vomit/print thing (we meant that as a compliment), and Jay’s elongated baby doll dress that looked like a tree filled with toilet paper on a slightly breezy chalk night. Dead Weight was sent home for something that even Forever 21 would have laughed out of its cheap depots. There were a bunch of other ugly ones too, but I can’t come up with clever adjectives for Seth Aaron’s walking suit of armor, Mya’s walking Georgia O’Keefe painting, or Janeane’s walking Betty Draper nightmare. They all suck. They suck so much that we love them. Let’s watch some videos! General Annoyance Description : Everyone is so awed by this challenge that, for a change, they are working hard and being quiet. Except Seth Aaron. He is an asshole and has to annoy everyone and they hate him. What is up with the West Side Story cross-step and snap he’s doing? Vision : That everyone cares what he says and thinks he’s funny. Delusion : That anyone cares what he says and thinks he’s funny. What Would Nina Say : “I don’t find any you amusing.” Dramometer : 4 Under the Gunn Description : Tim comes into a silent work room and doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s so used to making them all shut the fuck and listen to him that the stillness bothers him. Vision : All the designers are tired and beat down from no sleep, crazy challenges, and inhumanely small beds at the Atlas apartments. Delusion : They think they’re just working hard. What Would Nina Say : “I like you so much better when you keep your mouth shut.” Dramometer : 3 Shit Talk Description : After several strong showings and a win, everyone has finally figured out that Mila is NGFDMCM’s favorite and iis a headstrong bitch who isn’t as talented as she (or NGFDMCM) thinks she is. Vision : Saying something is going to change her. Delusion : Mila is going to make the finals, y’all, so you better get used to her and her severe bangs now, because they aren’t going anywhere. What Would Nina Say : “Don’t listen to what they say. I think you’re brilliant. I see some of myself in you.” Dramometer : 5 Runway Arrogance Description : Ben watches his dress walk down the runway. Vision : As we said before “Madam Butterfly on Acid.” Really, a thing of beauty. This is what I’m wearing for Halloween next year… Delusion : …minus the belt. What Would Nina Say : “Just like me, it looks good from the front and the back.” Dramometer : 2 Back Talk Description : Michael Kors turns into Tyra Banks and changes the model’s outfit and hair before deeming her worthy, just as the crazy host of America’s Next Top Model does to her girls just about every week. Sorry, Queen Tangerine. Even with all that fake tanning you’re still not dark enough to be Ty-Ty. Vision : Emilio thinks that if he does what they tell him, that he’ll win. Delusion : Sorry, they may have broken the rules for you, but your second win will have to come another week. What Would Nina Say : See for yourself. Dramometer : 6
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Project Runway: Stop the Dresses!
