Dear Bossip , I have been with my man for 2 ½ years now, and I am 9 months pregnant with both of our first child. I am 22-years old and he is 23-years old. When I found out I was pregnant we decided to relocate from Tennessee to Kansas to better provide for the baby. However, a combination of bad luck and bad choices had us living in a car until I was 8 months pregnant. I’ve truly been through hell and back with this man by my side. He had no motivation to work and what money he came up with he spent on drugs. I consistently worked throughout the pregnancy, but we could never get on our feet on my minimum wage paychecks. He’s repeatedly tried to cheat. He’s sneaky, disrespectful and lies. He talks bad about me, and he puts his friends and drugs above me. He doesn’t even stick up for me or the baby in front of his family. He has been in and out of jail in Kansas for domestic violence against me. As cliché as this sounds, I stayed because I truly love him and thought we’d work through it. I believe the drugs turned him into a monster and the pregnancy hormones turned me into a bish. His only redeeming quality as a father is during the last weeks I was with him he was staying off the drugs, paying more attention to me and the baby, and overall trying to be a good provider. As my due date crept closer we were literally on the streets and I decided I would not be homeless with a baby for any reason. I decided to go back home to Tennessee. Conditions of his costly 1year probation included he could not leave the state and a strict no-contact order between me and him, so we decided the best thing would be for him to accept a shorter 4 month jail sentence and get it over with. Therefore, he will miss the birth next week and the first months of her life. The problem is before I left Kansas we made a plan. He was supposed to get out of jail and come to Tennessee to be with us. I am supposed to start college in January 2014 and he was going to work and watch the baby to cut back on child care costs. I already bought his bus ticket and have a place for us to stay. So, imagine my surprise when I talked to him on the phone and he’s decided he wants to stay in Kansas after he gets out and work with some of the guys he’s met in jail, no matter the fact that he’ll be homeless when he is released. At first he said he would come to Tennessee after he could get a car, but then decided he wants to get an apartment up there and send for us. Who knows how long that would take, but more importantly what type of man voluntarily misses out on time with his first baby like that? Plus, he knows my campus is in my hometown, so I can’t just move away like that. I’ve asked him to at least visit his child with the bus ticket, and he’s being shady about giving me an answer. A part of me feels selfish because I refuse to leave Tennessee where I have support and school. So, why should I hold him back from being in Kansas and getting his life on track? On the other side, I’m mad that I can take care of my business with a baby to raise, but he gets to stay up there and do it without her. What solution is there? I know he can’t cope with the physical part of long-distance, so I just want to end it. Honestly, I would die if my daughter were to date a guy like this. So my question is of loyalty. Is it wrong to leave him while he’s in jail? Should I continue to stay by his side during his incarceration and tell him when he’s free? I am the only one who is still here for him or will have any kind of contact with him. I pay for the phone calls, put money on his books and send mail. I’ve been loyal to this man the whole 2 ½ years and wanted to marry him one day. Now I’m a single parent and ready to move on. – He Says One Thing But Does Another Dear Ms. He Says One Thing But Does Another , I don’t know what the issue is. You’ve already decided what you’re going to do. So, just leave him. Why prolong this and draw it out? And, why in the hell would you stay by his side while he is incarcerated and tell him when he’s free? Get the –ish over with today and be done with him. He’s made his choice and decided on what he’s going to do, so why are you trying to be a ride or die chick, holding him down while he is incarcerated, and sending him money to put on his books and accepting his phone calls? I swear the hood –ish will never get old. Your man of two and half years has decided he is going to stay in Kansas, where he has done nothing but get into trouble, and now has a record because of his antics, has no home, no car, no job, and no means to make an income. And, you’ve offered him a bus ticket home, a place to stay, support to get back on his feet, and a chance for him to be with his child. Yet, he chose Kansas. I don’t understand some of the decisions and choices folks make when, especially dumba** choices that will jeopardize their livelihood, and well-being, but they are so stuck on stupid and can’t make rational choices because of their inept mental and emotional well-being. SMDH! Let’s look at the facts ma’am. 1.) Your man has a drug problem. There is nothing you can do for him. And, you do not want that type of person around your child, and to be left alone with your child. What happens when you’re at school and he comes across some money and he needs his drug fix, so in his impaired judgment he leaves the child alone to “run up the street for a minute,” to get his drugs? Then what? You can lose your child to Child Protective Services because your drug addict boyfriend can’t make rational choices due to his drug use. That is not a healthy environment to bring up a child in, nor is it a conducive environment to leave your child alone with a drug addict, despite him being the father. 2.) You worked, he did not, does not, and probably never will. You got a place to live for your family, and he’s coming to live with him, however, he still won’t have a job, no money, and no way to provide for you and the child. You want to be a responsible parent, and he wants to stay in Kansas and play. He’s sneaky, lies, talks bad about you, and repeatedly tries to cheat. And, you want to stay with him because……? (I’ll wait while you ponder this) 3.) And, he’s not a good father, so stop lying to yourself and to anyone who will listen. This man had you, pregnant in another state, with no place to live, and you were homeless. How is that a good provider? How is he taking care of you and his child, and preparing to be a good father if you’re struggling, dealing with his new prison record which will further make him unable to get a job because of his record? Please explain to me how a man who will decide to leave his girl and child to go and work with some men he met in jail. Really! Really? He’s going to work with some men he met in jail? Bwahahahahahahaha! Girl, stop! 4.) The man has assaulted you while you were pregnant, and has been in and out jail for domestic violence. Sigh! You women won’t stop chasing these silly a** little boys, and babying them and nurturing them like you’re their mothers, despite the physical abuse. The man has put hands on you. There is no reason, no need, and no redeeming factor to stay with a man who puts their hands on you. If he does it now, he will continue to do it. And, if you stay then just know that he will eventually do more physical harm to you, and we’ll be hearing about you on the news. And, your child will grow up parentless. So, stop taking his phone calls and running up your phone bill. Stop sending him money, and stop writing him. As a matter of fact write him off! End this tumultuous relationship and get yourself together. Go back to school, lean on your support system to help you with your child, and empower yourself. You’re young and have the entire world ahead of you. Dream bigger for you and your child. You can do anything you put your mind to, and you don’t need someone bringing you down and wearing you down in the process. You are not his mother, his provider, or his wife. Stop trying to make him do better, and be the man you want him to be. He is not going to change. As you build yourself, grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually you will look back at him and the experience and see it as a stepping stone and blessing to where you’re going. Use your experience with him as a way to look back and tell yourself that you will never get back into that situation ever again, or even date a man like him ever again! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Continue reading →
