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Dear Bossip: He Blames Me For His Drug Use, Depression & Violent Outbursts

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We were 15 when we met. We have three kids together. Our problems started 8 years ago when I first cheated on him after the birth of our first child. Ever since then we’ve been constantly fighting. But, things seem to have gotten worse when he started smoking weed about 4 years ago. It seems that ever since he started smoking our fights have gotten physical and he just went downhill. He lost his job two years ago because he began to show up to work late and he would always argue with his manager. Ever since then I’ve been the main provider for my family. He blames me for him smoking weed. He says because I cheated on him that’s why he’s depressed. I feel so bad and I have so much guilt, but I don’t feel that what I did justifies the way he continues to treat me. Our fights have gotten very physical. When he’s sober he gets violent with me, and then he’ll get high and he’ll be so much calmer. He’ll act like nothing happened, but I’ll still have a grudge and things just don’t get better. We also argue because of sex. He wants sex everyday and I don’t. He makes sex feel more like a job for me because I know if I don’t want it he’ll get mad. So, most of the time we have sex just so that I won’t piss him off. We just recently got into a fight because he says I don’t pay enough attention to him. But, he’s so aggressive and violent, and it’s not just with me he’s that way with everyone in his family. I left to stay with my mom and I’ve been ignoring his calls, but I love him and I do want to be with him. But, I’m so tired of feeling scared and tired of taking care of someone who has the capability of taking care of themselves. I feel so bad and guilty because I left him and he doesn’t make much money and he doesn’t have a car to get to work. I need advice. I don’t know what to do. – Tired Of Being Tired Dear Ms. Tired Of Being Tired , Don’t stay. Don’t go back. Don’t feel sorry or bad for your decision to leave. You have to save yourself and your children and begin the work on healing yourself. If not, you will go back to the situation, things will continue to go worse, and you will grow miserable, and depressed yourself. You didn’t say why you cheated after your first child, but you do play a huge role in this situation. And, I find it convenient that you left that crucial piece of the puzzle out of your story. Why? You’re going on this rant about him, and all of these things he’s doing, but you owed up to the cheating and infidelity which seems to snowballed this entire situation. Why leave that out of your story? Why not share what was going on with you, and him? What was it that drove you to cheat? Whatever your reasons for cheating, you should have worked that out after you cheated, and got into therapy, or you should have left the relationship. If you’re cheating, then it’s obvious you’re not getting something at home, or your partner is not providing you with something that you feel the need to go out and get it from someone else. Regardless, you cheated, you stepped out on your relationship, and you broke the trust. Your actions were contributors to his reactions. Does it justify his behavior and treatment toward you? – Hell NO! Do you deserve to pounced on, mistreated, and physically abused? – Hell NO! Are you responsible for him losing his job and not taking care of his business? – Hell NO! Are you obliged to have sex with him every day even when you don’t want to? –Hell NO! I also find it interesting that the violence seems to be an “our fights have become physical.” You didn’t state that he was the physically violent one, but that you and he are both physically violent. Thus, you are complicit in this physical violence. Don’t throw rocks then hide your hand. If you’re both putting hands on one another, it’s time to go! Point blank simple. Violence in any form should be the end of the relationship. But, here are some things I want to address: One – You are not married. After 13 years you are still playing house. You are still giving him everything with no commitment. Why? Why are you not married? This is a problem. You folks want to be in these long-term relationships, producing children, and co-habitating with one another, yet, you want the privileges and expectations of a marriage. HUH? I’m confused. Why be together 13 years, and all you have is this sob story, pitiful relationship, and you’re seeking a way out. You don’t have to seek a way out because you can just get up and leave. You don’t have to file for a divorce. Just leave. Go to court and get full custody of the children and put him on child support. Two – He smokes weed and wants to blame you for him smoking weed. I’m sorry, but how did you force him to go to the weed man, purchase the weed, roll it up, and smoke it? He claims to be depressed and his resolve to handle it is to smoke weed? Girl, stop and tell him to have several seats. He’s listening to his homeboys and getting advice from them, and one of them probably mentioned he should start smoking to take the edge off. Now, he has a created a habit, but wants to blame his habit on you and what you did to him. Don’t take the blame for that. Don’t feel guilty for it, and don’t allow him to put it all on you. He is a grown ass man and he chooses to smoke weed. Instead of being an adult and doing what most responsible and mature adults would do and seek therapy, he resorts to smoking weed. Therefore, please know you are dealing with someone who is emotionally, and mentally unstable. Three – As a result of him smoking weed, he used to fight with his manager on his job, and lost his job. Again, he’s emotionally and mentally unstable. He didn’t work for two years, and you became the caretaker and provider of the family. He’s not emotionally or mentally able to handle taking care of his family. He is not a provider or supporter. He is another child in your home. Then, he fights with you, and it’s become physical. His emotional and mental well-being has become unmanageable and now he’s physical. TIME TO GO! LEAVE HIM AND STAY GONE! Four – He’s demanding you have sex every day even when you don’t want to. Uhm, I’m sorry, but why do you have to engage in having sex with him every day? It’s your body, and he can’t impose upon you something that you don’t want to do.  Having sex daily is taxing, and if you’re not in the mood, or you don’t want to do it, then it became painful and not pleasurable. Besides, it seems the only reason he wants to do it is because he feels you’re ignoring him, or you don’t pay him any attention. Again, how old is he? He’s acting like a child, and that you owe him something. What he’s basically saying it that you owe him for making him smoke weed. You owe him for making him depressed. You owe him for making him lose his job. You owe him for making him treat you the way that he does. And, you owe him because you don’t pay him enough attention, so you owe him sex. You don’t owe him a damn thing! He’s throwing a tantrum and pouting and pointing the finger at you for his miserable and pathetic life. Girl, please leave this relationship, and recognize it’s a dead relationship. I don’t want to hear how much you say, “But, I love him and want to be with him.” Why? What does he have to offer you? He’s mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Once a relationship resorts to violence, it is time to go! Find the strength, power, and encouragement to leave him. If you don’t he will drain you emotionally and spiritually. You will become mentally tired, and the physical abuse will grow more intense. Save yourself and your children. You have to choose your life and your children’s lives over his. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He Blames Me For His Drug Use, Depression & Violent Outbursts

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Dear Bossip: He Went Out Of Town, But I See Pics Of Him & His Baby Momma

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , Last week my boyfriend went out of town to go work with his uncle, which is all fine and dandy. He gave me a call on Saturday and he hasn’t called since. Before he left, and when he called on Saturday, he said he was coming back on Tuesday. Well, this is why I’m upset. So, on Monday, I was doing a little snooping, but something was just telling me that something wasn’t right. I admit that when you go looking for stuff where you don’t have no business you might get your feelings hurt. So, any who, I went on his mother’s Facebook page through my friends page because I don’t have an account. His mother writes a status on Monday saying, “Yay! My baby is here, my baby is here.” He told me he was going to visit his mom while he was down there doing work for his uncle. So, something just told me to look at her comments and it read, “My son and his girlfriend and my granddaughter are here.” I’m supposed to be his girlfriend, so who the heck is she talking about? I already knew he was there with his 1 st baby mama and their daughter.  Now I’m pissed. Then, here comes Wednesday morning and she posts a pic of his daughter, then she posts another pic of him and his baby mama together without the child. So, all the signs are saying they are together and have a relationship, and they are more than just co-parenting. I confront him because I had a feeling he was at her house. I went there, and he’s trying to tell me I’m tripping and that she only gave him a ride from him mom’s house because his uncle went to jail and couldn’t give him a ride. I was like, “Why you posing in a picture with just you two like you are a couple.” He says, “Well, my mom asked for a picture of us. So, I just took it. I didn’t think nothing of it.” I told him that he obviously gave the impression to his mom that he and his baby mother were still together and I’m not even in the picture. He said the reason he couldn’t call me is because he didn’t have any more minutes and his family doesn’t have phones to call out to my number. Mind you, his baby mother tried to call the police on me because me and him were arguing outside the apartment. She says she’s going to get evicted all because she wanted to call the police. I told him that didn’t have anything to do with he and I, and she is the one who called the police. I didn’t do anything to her. So, now they’re trying to put the blame on me. If you ask me it all sounds like a bunch of bull-ish. I don’t know whether to think if the mom is being messy or if he’s just lying. He said he called his mom and yelled at her and asked her why did she put that pic of him and his baby mother on Facebook because it makes it seem like they are together. So, she later put another status up talking crap and saying I’m not about to take the picture of my son and his family off. I was like how is she calling you a family if you’re not together? Mind you he has two kids, but he doesn’t spend time with his second baby mother like he does with the first one. Both of his daughters are 5 months apart and I’m not one of his baby mothers. I want to know what do you think I should do. – Something Isn’t Right Dear Ms. Something Isn’t Right , Who has time for all this foolish? Girl, stop. Stop and grow up. Listen to what he’s telling you. Pay attention to all the clues staring at you in your face. First things first – Why are you dating a man who has two baby momma’s? Why are you dating a man who has two children by two different women and the children are 5 months apart? This means he was cheating on his first baby momma with the second baby momma. Thus, we can deduce he is not faithful, not to be trusted, and is a liar. Second, let’s take at face value that he went out of town to help his uncle. And, let’s take at face value that while he was out of town his uncle got arrested. So, he’s stuck out of town and has no way of getting home. But, he was able to call his baby mother, and she drove all the way out of town to go get him and to bring him back home. My question is why didn’t he call you, his current girlfriend, to come and get him if he was stuck out of town? Third, he comes back into town, and you still haven’t heard from him. Yet, he’s posted up at his baby mother’s house. HUH?!?! See, you’re so misguided and focused on one thing that you clearly haven’t thought any of this through properly. Your energy is directed toward his baby mother, and it’s because you don’t like her, you’re jealous of her, and you want to find a way to confront her. Your boyfriend is the problem. Your boyfriend is the liar. Your boyfriend is the one who is unfaithful. Your boyfriend is the one telling you lies, telling his baby momma lies, and telling his own momma lies. When you went to his baby momma house to confront him and he tells you that his uncle got arrested and he had no way to get home, the only thing you were concerned with was why his mother was posting pics of him, his baby momma, and their child on Facebook. You didn’t even ask him why didn’t he call you to come pick him up. You didn’t even confront him about the so-called lie that he had no minutes on his phone and that is why you haven’t heard from his since Saturday. But, he was able to somehow get in touch with his baby momma and tell her to come get him. You didn’t even confront him about the other lie that his mother and no one in his family had a phone that dials out to call you. HUH? Girl, bye! You should have stopped, tilted your head, looked him dead in his eyes, and reached all the way back and slapped the dog –ish out of him for that one right there. (I kid!!) LOL! You didn’t even confront him about his uncle who was arrested. Really, arrested? For what? Is he still in jail? You haven’t heard from your boyfriend since Saturday. He comes back home on Wednesday, and he is at his baby momma house. He didn’t come straight to you. He didn’t even call you. Therefore, yes, his mother is correct. They are a family. They are still together. They are in a relationship. You are the side chick. When you and he were arguing outside of her apartment and she called the police, he took sides with her because you rolled up to her residence causing a ruckus. You rolled up like you were his woman. Well, sweetie, did he leave with you, or did he stay with her? BOOM! BAM! POW! Look, the moment he told you that he was going out of town with his uncle for work, and for whatever reason his baby momma ended up with him at his momma’s house, and he knew you would find out, so, he’s had time to come up with a lie to tell you. What he didn’t anticipate was you going on Facebook and going to his momma’s page and seeing the pictures. Now, he’s back peddling. He still hasn’t explained why you haven’t heard from him since Saturday. No minutes or not, he was able to call his baby momma. And, he got back home without his uncle. Why weren’t you the first place he came when he returned home? And, the real reason he didn’t call you to come to pick him up is because he wasn’t ready for you to meet his mother. He’s not that serious about you, and he had, has, nor have any intentions on introducing you to his mother. So, you can stew and be mad at her, but your boyfriend is the liar. He’s been playing you, still playing, and will keep playing you because you will believe anything that comes out of his mouth. You have all the proof you need. You can ask him to come forward with the truth, and what really happened. You can ask him why he didn’t call you to come get him instead of his baby momma. You can ask him if he ever had any intentions on introducing you to his mother. You can ask all kinds of questions, but the reality is, he is not your man. He is not boyfriend material, for you. He is not someone you should be spending your time or energy with. You are rolling up at his baby momma house to confront him. That’s pathetic and sad. You shouldn’t be arguing with a man outside his baby momma’s house. Have some damn dignity, and be a lady. Have some respect for yourself. The hell you look like being a bird for some man who isn’t worth your time. – Terrance Dean Photo courtesy: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: He Went Out Of Town, But I See Pics Of Him & His Baby Momma

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Spirit Reveals The Only Way Dating A Co-Worker Can Work [EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW]

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

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Dating a co-worker can be tricky. Both man and woman have to keep a lot of things in mind before getting into a relationship. Listen…

Spirit Reveals The Only Way Dating A Co-Worker Can Work [EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW]

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Spirit Reveals The Only Way Dating A Co-Worker Can Work [EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW]

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Go here to see the original:

Dating a co-worker can be tricky. Both man and woman have to keep a lot of things in mind before getting into a relationship. Listen…

Spirit Reveals The Only Way Dating A Co-Worker Can Work [EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW]

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Dear Bossip: I’m A Virgin And I Feel Like I’m Missing Out On Life

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am a female and I am a virgin. However, I am VERY anxious to lose my virginity. I will be 21 years old soon, and I feel like I am missing out on life. I was a nerd in high school who came from a sheltered background. My life is fairly BORING! Normally when I am talking to a guy, he is quick to jump straight to sex. I do not like to mention that “fun fact” about me because 80% of the time men will become weirdly obsessed with my virginity. That 20% will get turned off completely and disappear. Sometimes, I do not even have to mention that I am a virgin I must have it stamped on my forehead. The first question that pops into their head is, “Why?” Honestly, I always thought that losing my virginity would be magical; a big deal like in the movies. Not only that, but, I have numerous friends that either became pregnant and/or caught an STD at a young age. Now, that I am getting older I am starting to feel like it’s not that big of a deal. I mean most of my family members have been having sex since they were 14/15 years old, so why not me? I want to see what all of the hype is about! They claim to be very proud of me for holding out, yet, they often poke fun at me. Lately, I’ve been having the urge to rebel and do some really stupid stuff, basically start living life. A few weeks ago I met a guy and we got along great, but he mentioned sex and I told him I was inexperienced. He asked what have I done so far and I told him nothing but kissing. Well, it’s been a couple days and I have not heard from him. Needless to say, he’s gone! I really want to get it over with. Is sex really that big of a deal? – Life As A Virgin Dear Ms. Life As A Virgin , Kudos to you for holding out and not giving in to peer pressure. And, I hope you continue to hold out and not leap out there and do something stupid … like having sex in order to “get the experience of it.” That isn’t very smart, sweetie. Be glad and thankful for the 20 percent of men who have disappeared and got turned off by your virginity. It goes to show that they were not really interested in you, and were not ready to invest in a relationship. They were only looking for sex, and possibly a one night stand. Now, the 80 percent is what you have to be leery regarding. They want to be the first. They want to be the ones who take what is special from you, and trust me, they won’t stick around either. Some men get off on that type of thing. Stay mindful and keep a close watch on these guys. They are not genuine in their pursuits and you don’t want to lose your virginity to someone who will treat you like a one night stand, and you never hear from them again. My advice is to wait until you’re ready. Don’t rush to have sex just to get it over with. You will regret your decision later, and you will regret that you did it with a guy that you neither were really into, or he wasn’t really into you. Your body is your temple, and you should protect it. You don’t have to succumb to the joking and prodding from your family and friends who are having sex, and like you mentioned, they are either pregnant or have STDs. That should be an even greater incentive for why you should wait, and not have sex. You don’t want to end up pregnant by some guy on your first experience, and you certainly don’t want to end up with an STD. Is sex a big deal? For some it is. And, for others it isn’t. We live in a sex craved and sex obsessed society. Sex is sold in commercials, magazines, movies, and on television. They sell sex to make it look wonderful, beautiful, and fantastical. But, it’s not like the movies. It’s not what you see on television or on the big screen. Sex is a serious issue, and in some instances it has serious consequences. The best thing you can do it is to follow your own moral and ethical barometer regarding your body, and who you want to share your body with. I can tell you to wait, and I can tell you that it is great. But, it is you who have to make the decision regarding your own body. And, you should never give your power over to anyone regarding your body. So, wait! Wait for the right guy, and the right moment. Wait until you are ready, and you feel the guy you are with is there for the long haul, and that he really wants to build something with you. Wait until you know for sure and it’s not because you’re trying to prove something to someone. There is no need to rush, and no need to give yourself to someone that you will regret losing your virginity to. The first person you decide to be with should be a memorable experience because it will always live with you, and you will always know the first person you lost your virginity to, and hopefully he will be your last. – Terrance Dean  Photo source: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I’m A Virgin And I Feel Like I’m Missing Out On Life

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Dear Bossip: I’m Trying To Co-Parent, But He Keeps Bringing Up The Past

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I need help co-parenting with my daughter’s father. My daughter’s father and I were in relationship for fifteen years. He was the love of my life. We haven’t been together for five years and we still can’t co- parents. My daughter’s father has cheated on me three times with three different chicks and I tried to forgive him. It’s hard to forgive someone who you loved such much and for him to disrespect me so many times. He made a video tape having sex with this one chick. I tried to forgive him, but I decided to walk away from our relationship. Before I called it quits I can remember early in the relationship several people would ask him when we were getting married. On several occasions he responded he would never get married to me. Why would I stay in a relationship with a dude more than fifteen years who cheated on me one time too many and he doesn’t plan on marrying me? He brought me a promise ring like it’s supposes to keep me waiting. I have my own apartment, career, car and money and purchase everything in my apartment by myself. My daughter’s father always complains about paying bills. He wanted me to take him out to a restaurant and movies and wanted me to pay for it. I come from the old school where dudes are supposed to take a chick out and wine and dine her. My daughter’s father never came home after work. Sometimes he would come home at 7pm or whenever he feel like it, which could be at 11:30pm sometimes. He felt like just because he paid the rent and he was a man he had the upper hand. He felt like he didn’t need to help our daughter with her homework or see her before she went to bed. Every time I went food shopping he would get upset because he had to help me bring them the groceries in the house. What the heck I look like sitting around waiting for him to change his mind or decide if he wanted to be in our life. My daughter’s father was livid at me before I called it quits. I started hanging out, going to clubs, and drinking and having fun. After I was tired of partying I started working 10 hour shifts six days a week because I didn’t want to spend any time around him. Saturday after work I would travel to another state and stay the night over family member’s homes with my son until Sunday night because he refused to leave. Why should I stay in the house or relationship with a dude who doesn’t plan on marrying me? Fast forward to now, my daughter’s father and I can’t talk on the telephone without a screaming match. I tired communicating directly with his girlfriend, whom he has been in relationship with for five years. She is sick and tired of being in the middle of our mess and she changed her telephone number. My daughter has her own cell phone to talk to her father directly, but we have to communicate. I can’t have a conversation with him unless he reflects on the past. He gets too emotional on the telephone and he is always making up an excuse to hang up the phone. One time, my daughter’s father said to me, “Eventually I would have married you. You were impatient.” We never resolve the issue at hand when we talk on the telephone. I pray to God to heal our relationship so that we can co-parent and to learn how to communicate again. The judge is tired of us coming back and forth to court. The judge said we need to learn how to co-parent and communicate with each other. The judge asked us what happen in our relationship and why can’t we come to an agreement. But, neither of us wants to reveal what happen. I come from a two-parent home in the suburbs and he comes from a single-parent home in the inner city. I don’t like the fact that when I talk to my family members about my daughter’s father they always respond he doesn’t know how to be a man because he didn’t have father around when he was a child. I’m tired of people giving me the same old sorry accuse. Problems between my daughter’s father are real deep. I can’t write the things down to share with anyone because I am too embarrassed. I get too upset with myself for putting up with BS for so long. In the last five years I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride with my daughter’s father, and it’s not over. We can’t come to an agreement on anything. It’s been five years and he’s moved on, yet, he still has resentment towards me. I was in a relationship with a guy for 2 ½ years, but we are not together. My ex was sick and tired of me and my daughter’s father arguing all the time. Every time me and my daughter’s father see each other we always smile and laugh. My ex was upset. I believe we smile at each other because we remember all the good times we had together. But, on the phone we fight like cats and dogs. I apologized to him and asked him to forgive me if I’ve done anything wrong to him and he apologized to me as well. But, we always end up back at the same place. When I meet a dude who has kids with their exes and they say that their child’s mother and them is best friends I get jealous. My daughter’s father and I would never be friends or cordial. I don’t want to bring my new dude onto a rollercoaster ride to see him jump off. I need help communicating with daughter’s father. He doesn’t take me serious and always take my kindness for my weakness. My daughter turns thirteen next year and she graduates from the eighth grade. We can’t sit next to each other and have decent conversation. Everybody is looking forward to daughter eight grade graduation, but me I terrified daughter father going to cause a scene. – My Nightmare Daughter’s Father Dear Ms. My Nightmare Daughter’s Father, I don’t understand how and why some of you women fall into these situations with these men that you have chosen, and you cohabitate with them, and then create children, yet, only to break-up and you are unable to be cordial with one another and communicate effectively to at least co-parent for the sake of the child. I don’t get it. Then, you were in a relationship for 15 years, he’s cheated on you with three different women that you know of, but, you are the one who stayed after he cheated the first time. You had an out, but you stayed. Why? What’s sad is that you took him back three different times before you decided you were fed up. You left him because he said he would never marry you, but it took 15 years before you walked away. I’m sorry, but who the hell is waiting 15 years on someone and there is no progress in your relationship? You are not moving forward, you are not growing, and you are not maturing. Fifteen years with someone, and then all of a sudden you get fed up! I’m sorry, but you chose this man, and you keep choosing his behavior and allowing him to do what he did, so why would expect his behavior to change after the relationship ended? He is not going to change. He is not going to be the father, dad, or co-parent you hope he will be for the sake of your child. He’s shown you his a** for 15 years, and you refuse to believe or accept who he is. Girl, I’m so tired of saying this, but, WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM. You and he keep running back and forth to court and you want the judge to handle it, but you and he are dishonest and don’t want to reveal the real reason why you two can’t get along. If you keep playing this game, then you’re not serious about wanting to co-parent with him. I feel that you like and enjoy the drama. It gives you the opportunity for you and he to continue to argue, fight, and have this ‘other’ sadistic relationship that no one wants to be a part of. Hell, his own girlfriend changed her number because she doesn’t want to be in the middle of it. And, you’ve lost your ex-boyfriend over it because he didn’t want to be around your incessant need to be in drama with your daughter’s father. So, therefore, it leads me to believe that you and he enjoy this sick game and all this back and forth that you two are engaged in. There is something that the both of you are getting out of it, and until you’re really ready to let him go and move on with your life, then you and he will continue this soap opera drama you two seem to enjoy. Why do you two continue to talk about the past? Why are you holding on to it, and what you had? Why are you and he arguing on the phone, and it has nothing to do with your daughter? As a matter of act why are you even engaging him and it has nothing to do with your daughter? Why are you doing all this grinning and cheesing up in each other’s face, and you’re talking about it’s because you and he remember what you once had. It’s over! Let that –ish go! Ma’am you gave me all this back story of your relationship with him, what he did, and how you shouldn’t have to wait on someone who wasn’t going to marry you. But, you chose him. You chose to stay 15 years. You chose to produce a child with him. You obviously kept choosing him to stay with him after he cheated on you three different times. So, was the back story an attempt to paint him as the bad guy? Honey, I don’t do voluntary suffering and misery. You stayed, so you got what you got. If you want to co-parent, and you’re serious about it, then you and he need to be in therapy. You need to let go of your past, and your relationship. It’s over. It’s ended. It’s done. It’s no longer. However, you and he are holding on to some unfinished business. So, go to therapy with a mediating third party and let them help you decipher through this bull-ish. Let them help you resolve this game, and end this back and forth. You two can’t seem to do it yourselves, and it’s obvious that you don’t want to the judge to handle it. Therefore, therapy with a professional counselor will help you get to the root of your issues, the underlying tension of your drama, and end this torrid love/hate relationship you have with one another, and this ongoing relationship that you two don’t seem to want to let go. – Terrance Dean Photo source: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: I’m Trying To Co-Parent, But He Keeps Bringing Up The Past

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Stinky Ho Sit Down: Naya Rivera Apologizes For Saying Showering Everyday “Is Such A White People Thing

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Naya Rivera Apologizes For Showering Comments About Ethnics Soap don’t fawk with you ! Via US Magazine reports: Who knew showering was such a hot-button topic? After inciting controversy on Tuesday, Jan. 13, with her remark that showering daily is “such a white people thing,” Naya Rivera attempted to wash away some of her bad karma with an apology. The Glee star, 28, returned to the scene of the crime — The View — as a guest host on Wednesday, Jan. 14, and offered a mea culpa to viewers who took offense to her previous comments. “Showering. Biggest topic in pop culture today, in my opinion. Thanks to me, unfortunately,” she quipped during the show’s Hot Topics segment. “Yesterday, we were talking about a study that says you’re supposed to shower once or twice every three days. I had an opinion on it that was supposed to be a joke. Apparently it didn’t go over so well.” (That might be an understatement. Viewers took Rivera to task for the offhand remark, sharing their own opinions of her opinion on Twitter. “When YOU tell the world YOU shower every 3 days that says more about YOU not us Naya Rivera,” one person wrote, adding that “some things are better left unsaid.”) Rivera claimed on Wednesday that she was kidding at the time, saying, “It was supposed to be a joke, but I apologize if anyone was offended.” She went on to quote some of the tweets she’d received, including one from user @retiredfilth that said, “Now white people gonna think we don’t shower cuz of Naya Rivera.” The View co-host Nicolle Wallace, for one, said the actress deserved a break. “Back off of Naya,” Wallace told viewers. “She’s very clean.” Fellow co-host Rosie O’Donnell piped in, too, saying she’d read something about how “doctors say that you should take a bath” anyway. “Thank you, that’s what I do,” she quipped. This why Sean had to cancel her? Seems legit. Very legit.

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Dear Bossip: I Have Thoughts About The Same Sex & I Don’t Want To Be Gay

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , All my life I have tried to force myself to get rid of these thoughts. These thoughts haunt me daily. I am attracted to women being a male, but there’s something I’ve been forcing myself to control and that is that I’m seeing men as attractive. I hate it, and I hate myself. I do not want to be gay. I sometimes cry myself to sleep and I am deeply depressed. I need to know why in the world these thoughts consume me when I can’t control them. I’m stuck because I don’t feel as though people are born that way and things happened to me during my childhood that traumatized me that could possibly force me to have these feelings. I’ve been sexually abused by a man in my family and I told no one. Now, what is happening to me is being twisted around to make me feel as though it was my fault by my aggressor. The only reason I won’t say anything is because the fact that it happened disgusts me. I wish I could find help and some reason for why I have these feelings. Again, I don’t want to be this way. What should I do? I am on the verge of losing my mind. I have a feeling a lot of young men are dealing with this issue and me stepping up to ask these questions can help someone else. – Struggling With My Sexuality Dear Mr. Struggling With My Sexuality , I truly feel for you, and I empathize with you and your struggle to understand your sexual thoughts and desires. I cannot tell you how to fight these desires, feelings, and thoughts you have for the same sex. I cannot tell you that these are abnormal thoughts, and it is not who you are. Your feelings, thoughts, and desires are your own, and only you can decide for yourself how you will identify, if you choose to do so. However, just know that you are okay the way that you are. You are fine. You are a beautiful human being, and there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing you need to fix. The fact that you mentioned that you are attracted to both men and women may mean that you could be a bisexual male. It’s interesting that you stated that since you have an attraction to men you shared that you don’t want to be gay. You still have desires for women, from what you stated. I suggest that you research and read up on bisexuality. Also, understand the entire range of LGBT – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transsexual. I am concerned that you were abused by a man in your family and have not told anyone. I do hope that you will strongly consider talking with someone, and deal with what happened to you. I am also concerned that your aggressor turns the situation back on you, which means you are still in contact with this person, and he makes it appear as if his rape and assault on you was an invitation by you, or something you did. That is not the case. Your aggressor is a pedophile and someone who is mentally ill. What they are doing to you, and have done to you, is classic for a pedophile who doesn’t want their secret to get out, and they know they are wrong for what they did. He doesn’t want you to tell you anyone, and he is making you feel guilty for what happened, thus, he is manipulating you and controlling you. Tell someone. Tell everyone. Tell anyone who will listen and put him blast. Do not allow him to continue to control you, and make you feel you warranted what he did to you. I also recommend that you get into therapy and speak with a licensed and professional therapist to deal with your depression, the assault you endured, and your thoughts about your sexuality. You cannot manage this alone, and you cannot keep these bottled up. You will do more harm and damage to yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Please get help and deal with these issues before you spiral out of control. Being gay or bisexual is not wrong and neither does it mean that there is something wrong with you. Your sexual identity is a part of who you are, and no one can determine your sexuality but you. Please do not feel that people are not born that way, and that there is something wrong with being LGBTQIA. People think that persons choose to be gay, and it is not the case. Ask a heterosexual person if they choose to be heterosexual. They may say or tell you it’s wrong or abnormal to be gay or bisexual. And, then you ask them what is right and normal. And, normal based on what? Normal defined by whom? Normal according to whom? Hell, there are many people who thought, and still think that being black is abnormal. You can’t help who you are, and know that you are brilliantly and beautifully designed the way you are. It’s going to be long process for you to get to where you learn to love, accept, and appreciate who you are. Work on embracing yourself. It begins with you first. I do hope that you will stop hating yourself. I do hope that you will stop allowing your rapist to turn this on you. And, I do hope that you get the help you need. If you keep beating yourself up, hating yourself, and accepting the blame for what your rapist did to you then you will end up harming yourself and others emotionally, mentally, and physically. Lastly, I do recommend reaching out to an LGBT community center in your area, and schedule some time to go and speak with someone. They can help you with resources, and information that can help you understand who you are, and provide support groups and meetings, as well as a counselor/therapist you can speak with. So, today, claim victory over your life. Claim love. Claim acceptance. And, claim power. You deserve to be accepted, loved, appreciated, and empowered. – Terrance Dean Photo source: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!      

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Dear Bossip: My Boyfriend Is Boring & We’re Moving Together, But I’m Not Sure

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years and it’s been pretty awesome. But, lately, I’ve been getting tired of him. He’s a really nice guy, but he’s boring. We’re thinking of moving out together within a year, but I don’t know if it’ll be a big mistake. I’m the adventurous type and he’s not willing to do anything fun. And, if we go anywhere (like to the zoo, movies, any adventure, etc.) he’ll complain about how bored he is, and say were blowing all our money away. It’s not even expensive things either, they’re actually pretty cheap. He hates when I hang out with someone else, especially if he’s just home alone. I just feel like if I do break up with him…I won’t find anyone else. Also, the love/spark/passion isn’t there for me. I just feel like it’s good enough. Should I go to a relationship counselor also? He also has jealousy problems and road rage. I don’t know if that helps at all. – Bored Of Him Dear Ms. Bored Of Him , Let me ask this? Is it that he’s always been a boring Debbie Downer who doesn’t like doing things, and has always complained about your dating adventures? I mean, you probably overlooked his negative comments and statements, and just blew them off. You figured he’d change or eventually find some activity fun and engaging. Or, is it that you’ve grown tired of his complaining and negativity, and have opened your eyes and realize that he is not going to change. This is the way he is and you’re simply over him? Honey, relationships run their course. Sometimes people grow apart, and people outgrow each other. You know the saying – “People come into your life for a reason, season, and lifetime.” Is the season over? Has this relationship run its course? Or, more importantly, have you stopped making excuses for his behavior, his negativity, and his jealousy, and you have realized that he is not the man you thought or hoped he would be? And, that is exactly what it sounds like. It sounds like you’ve woken out of your slumber of, “I can’t change him,” and you have reflected over your relationship and began to notice a pattern. He’s boring. He doesn’t enjoy the outings with you. He gets jealous when you leave and you do things without him. And, he has road rage. So, when you began your letter stating your relationship has been awesome, well, sweetie, I was looking for all the awesome parts of it. You went straight for the jugular and mentioned all the things you don’t like. So, does the things you don’t like outweigh the good? I’m concerned that you’re considering moving out with him, and you didn’t talk about being engaged, or plans to marry. You are ready to shack up with someone you feel is “good enough,” and the passion/spark/love isn’t there for you. Girl, does that make any damn sense at all! You are going to hold on to a man you don’t have any passion for, no sparks, and no love, but, because he’s a man and he’s there and it’s been 3 years you’re going to move in with him and hope things change? Next, he’s jealous and has road rage. He has anger issues, and he’s controlling. Call it out, girl! Now, does his road rage frighten you and do you feel endangered when you’re with him? Do you fear he will get into a confrontation and something dangerous will happen? If road rage has a grip on him, and the fact you’ve brought it up, then I am sure you’re thinking or have thought what if it gets out of control and it is directed toward you. Jealousy. This has been ongoing in your relationship. I’m sure you’ve had many arguments, and disagreements due to his jealousy. You’ve put up with it for 3 years. Now, are you willing to continue to put up with it, or are you going to continue to dismiss it? Yes, you can go to a counselor, and discuss your relationship, but the issues are with him. He’s needs to be in therapy. He’s dealing with anger, jealousy, and control. You’re enabling him by allowing him to do it, and you haven’t checked him on it. He only does what he does because you let him. You should have checked all of this early on. Now, it is out of hand, and you’re having second thoughts about where this relationship is going and where it will end up. But, consider these: Why is he jealous when he doesn’t want to go out or do anything? Is he jealous of your friends? Is he jealous another man will take you away from him? Do you think he wants to control you? Has he tried to control you and the relationship? How would you assess his anger, and is it only road rage? Look, if everything you recommend to do as an outing is so boring and money wasting, then ask him to recommend something he would enjoy doing, or ask him to pick something for the two of you to do. Make him responsible for the outing, and the decision making, and then if he complains you will have your answer. If he doesn’t enjoy the event, or activity he’s chosen, then you can’t make him happy, please him, nor can anything else. He’s just boring. Get out of the relationship. Nothing is going to change. He will not become the man you want him to be. He will not grow, mature, or all of a sudden become exciting. You will be miserable, unhappy, and eventually you will start cheating. If the passion, spark, and love is not there, and it’s been 3 years, I’m sorry, this relationship is doomed. End it, and move on with your life. Why spend another 3 months, or 3 years with someone whom is only ‘okay.’ You are passing the time with him. And, it’s not fair to either of you. Stop being so desperate to hold on to a man just so you can say you have a man. There are plenty of men who are adventurous, fun, outgoing, and enjoyable to be around. Your man is not that man. I don’t recommend moving in together. It will be a huge mistake, and I do know that once you move in together his jealousy will increase, and eventually he will start trying to control you. Save yourself from this potential headache and stress. – Terrance Dean Photo source: Shuttershock Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE!    

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Dear Bossip: My Boyfriend Is Boring & We’re Moving Together, But I’m Not Sure

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Dear Bossip: We’re Friends, I Think He Wants More, Yet He Won’t Say It

Posted on November 4, 2014 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am writing to you because I’d like a male’s prospective on this situation. There’s a guy who has been in my life for about a year now, but of course we are just friends. My issue is we fight and bicker like we are a couple and when I put my foot down to let him know that I will not waste my time and energy on someone who is just a friend he gets mad. For awhile, I’d ignore his calls, texts, and everything just because he was becoming so overbearing and demanding. He’s always asking me for rides, to feed him, etc. I got to the point where I was so fed up by him and his constant needs/demands that I stopped altogether. Then, I was being called all kinds of “B” words, and he called fake on numerous occasions. So, I completely stopped talking to him. But he wouldn’t go away, at all. He’d call a few weeks later unmoved like nothing ever happened. Yet, I’m still upset and want my apology. I know I should just leave him alone completely, but it’s hard when he won’t leave me alone. I ask him what he wants from me, and he states I just need a friend, but I feel if you want me in your life as a friend or anyone for that matter he needs to quit blaming the world for his problems and thinking everyone owes him something. Fast forward to now, in this year I’ve seen how much he’s grown as a person. He still lacks affection and has anger issues (I think a serious mental instability at times), but that stems from most likely not receiving that as a youngster. I guess my point is does he have feelings for me deep down, or am I completely wasting my time hoping that they are there? After all, on several occasions he has told me how much I mean to him and that I give him motivation, and that when he’s drunk he sometimes professes his feelings for me as well. I don’t press him about a relationship. I simply try to hold him accountable for his actions. I know the worst part for me is that I’ve grown to care for him and just want to see him succeed and tell him all the time. He’ll call me up and ask if we can go get coffee, or if he can come over, but I feel like if you just want to see me then say that then. I’m sorry my thoughts are all over the place, but that’s how I feel. It’s hot and cold. I just want to know what it means, since I can’t get an answer out of him and my life is by no means on hold for him. I am dating, but like I said he’s that thorn in my side that won’t go away and it’s kind of hard to explain to a guy why some other guy is blowing your phone up like crazy when you’re just friends. I’d really appreciate your feedback. – Confused Lady Dear Ms. Confused Lady , How much does he pay you for your services? (Sips tea) How much money do you collect after his phone calls, rants, and the motivational talks you give him? (Sips tea) How much time and energy are you exerting in diagnosing him and his problems, and what he needs to do to fix his life? (Sips tea) Oh, my bad, you don’t collect any money for your services from him? You’re not licensed to treat him or to sit and listen to him while he bishes, moan, and rant about his life. I thought you were a paid therapist. A psychotherapist. His psychiatrist. I thought you were his counselor. Girl, please stop this charade talking about he’s your friend. He is not your friend. I will repeat in big bold letters: HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND . SMDH! I don’t understand how some of you women will fool and even lie to yourself about these babies, grown men boys whom you let in your life and you’re trying to fix them, console them, nurture them, and be their mother, therapist, friend, and girlfriend. Yeah, I know you’re not his girlfriend so stop acting like one. He is an emotional and mental vampire sucking the life of out of you and taking your kindness as a weakness. He plays on your vulnerability with him, and he knows he is manipulating you. STOP PLAYING THIS GAME WITH HIM AND GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Notice that he only calls when he wants something. He only needs you when it’s convenient for him, or something happens in his life. He uses you to dump all his problems on. He dumps and dumps and dumps on you and your dumba** is sitting there taking it. And, do you notice that after he finishes taking his dumps on you that you are the one who is left depleted? You are the one who is left feeling angry, sad, upset, and mad. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. By the way, this is another way of saying, “He’-ishing on you.” And, why would you want to consider being in a relationship with someone who is A.) Verbally abusive. He curses you out and calls you all types of Bishes, and tells you how fake you are, however, you really think deep down that he is harboring some intimate feelings for you. Hmmm, okay. So, a man can call you out of your name, treat you like some random stranger and berate and demean you and you interpret that as he must likes you and wants to be with you. SMDH! Girl, you are glutton for punishment. B.) He is a drunk, and he is immature. He can only express him under the influence of alcohol. Now, explain to me what is so attractive about this behavior, and why you find it enticing and stimulating. (I’ll wait). C.) He only calls you when he wants something, or to complain about his life. I’m sorry, but what part of friendship is this? What part of this relationship, which is one way by the way, and he continues to use you, take advantage of you, and he wants you to cook for him, drive him places, or he comes to your house and sit up and utilize your –ish while he dumps his entire life in your lap and he wants you to put the pieces together. Again, what type of friendship is this? Ohhh, but I get it. You like the attention. You like the drama. You like this type of stress in your life because if you didn’t have any of it in your life then what would you do? If you didn’t have him hounding you, acting out like a baby, and you drop everything and run to him trying to save him then you wouldn’t feel complete. You wouldn’t feel adequate, or needed. So, while you claim you’re dating other guys, and he is blowing up your phone, and you have to explain to your male companion how this guy won’t leave you alone, and how he needs you, but you can’t seem to shake him, you think it makes you look like this amazing and strong got-it-together woman who is truly a friend, a supporter, and a great catch. UHM, NOT!!! It makes you look like a dumpster, and someone who doesn’t know boundaries, and a woman who is desperate for attention. He is a child. A baby. A little boy. Stop trying to nurture him, care for him, and fix him. He is not your project. He is not your son. He is not your child. He is not your boyfriend. HE IS NOT YOUR MAN. If you want him out of your life, then completely end it and stop this damn game and bull-ish talking about he won’t stop harassing you. Delete and block. Delete and block. You have those features on your phone. And, you can delete and block him from all of your social media. He can’t access you unless you let him.  If you wouldn’t take his calls or texts, or return his messages, pleas, and cries, then he wouldn’t have access to you. If you wouldn’t be so available, then he wouldn’t have access to you. He doesn’t need you. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t desire you. He is using you as a soundboard to complain and bish about his life, and you allow him. Honey, if you stop and you truly dismiss him out of your life, trust me, he will find someone else to do this to. But, you won’t because you like the attention, drama, stress, and aggravation. You enjoy this game, and this false sense of reality that he desires you and wants you. So, if you want a drunk, a grown man/boy who is childish, who doesn’t have his life together, is a user, a moocher, a complainer, a whiner, and doesn’t value you, your time, your space, your life, and who you are, then, yes express your desire to be with him and have a relationship. Stress yourself the hell out and watch him continue to use, take, and abuse you, and once he’s had enough of you, and you’re dried up, looking old, overweight, stressed, hair falling out, and your money is deplete, he will move on and find another victim. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com   Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!        

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