Why aren’t Black men keeping up academically?? Black Men Are Less Likely To Graduate From A Four-Year College Via Black Journal reports: The federal government should require all colleges to create early-alert systems that flag students with low test scores, missing assignments, or spotty attendance. That would be one way, according to a report released on Tuesday, to curb the alarming number of minority men who drop out of college . The report, “ Advancing the Success of Boys and Men of Color in Education ,” is the result of brainstorming by diversity researchers at seven higher-education institutions. It is aimed at building on the momentum of My Brother’s Keeper, the Obama administration’s effort to improve education and career outcomes for young minority men. Black men lag behind their peers in other races when it comes to graduating from both two- and four-year colleges, according to federal statistics that track their completion through 2009 and 2012, respectively. Only a third of black male students graduated from four-year colleges within six years, compared with 45 percent of Hispanic men, 57 percent of white men, and 64 percent of Asian men. For two-year colleges, the percentages who received a certificate or degree or who transferred to a four-year college over six years were 32 for black, 30 for Latino, 40 for white, and 43 for Asian men. But minority men aren’t the only ones who would benefit from the changes the group is proposing. “We tried to provide recommendations that get at issues for boys and men of color but also address equity gaps for other disadvantaged groups,” J. Luke Wood, co-director of the Minority Male Community College Collaborative at San Diego State University, said in an interview. His center was joined in the report by similar groups at Morehouse College, Ohio State University, the University of California at Los Angeles, the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Texas at Austin, and the University of Wisconsin at Madison. Discuss…
Dear Bossip , I’ve been reading your blog for years. It has inspired me through a lot of tough times. So, I could really use some of your hard hitting advice right now. I’ve been with the same man for 7 years and ‘’m ready to leave. “Eric” and I got together when we were very young. I was 17 and he was 19. We have a 5 year old that will start school in the fall. We share a home and a great group of friends. In the fall of 2010, I found out Eric had slept with another woman. I was heartbroken. So, I confronted him. Then, I packed up his stuff and put it in the closet. He was no longer allowed to share a bedroom or sleep in our bed with me. At the time I thought this was the right thing to do. Taking him back and working it on our relationship was out of the question at the time because I was so angry with him. Four months later, he moves out. Sometime after that we decide to work it out. He moves back in and everything seems back to normal, except we fought more often than before. Eric seemed depressed. He was very unhappy with life always explaining it was not me but what he did to destroy our relationship. Then, one day after work he comes home in tears, with no explanation. Very unlike him. This happen again some weeks later. He told me his Uncle died, and he is going down there to help out his Aunt. I offer to go with him, and he tells me no. After he left, I started getting blocked calls from him. Very unlike him. Something just told me to start snooping around. So, I Google his name. Up pops a baby registry. I was shocked and heartbroken. So, I do a background check on the name of his new baby momma. I get her number, address, and everything about her. So, I call her. I ask for him by name. She asks me who is this? I say “Sara, I’m his fiancé!” CLICK. She hangs up on me. Eric calls me and tells me he has a one month old son. He never told me because he didn’t want to hurt me and he was unsure if he was the father. Isn’t that some BS!?! Just a cop-out. I was livid. I told him I was done. That we were over. He could stay there with her because I already took off his ring. I will never forget how much my heart hurt during those times. I cried every night. Without my little angel I would have never pulled it threw. So, I got myself up, changed my number and e-mail because Eric had been calling and e-mailing non-stop. I also moved out of our home. Everything was in his name. I felt no problem walking away. At that point in my life I had never had a job or even graduate from high-school. I supported Eric through college and in his career. So, when I walked away I had nothing. I got my first job, passed my G.E.D. on my first try and had enrolled in classes at the local community college. Very soon I was out of my now deceased mother’s house and in a little apartment my baby girl could call home. I was very proud of myself. I had not seen Eric for 3 months at this point. I refused to. He would e-mail my old address every night asking to see us. Finally, I gave in and agreed to meet him at a local park so he could see our daughter. First, I made him have a private conversation at our old house. Eric tried to tell me that was he not sure if the child was his after his baby mama had told him she was pregnant because she was in a relationship when they hooked up. He went down there to take a paternity test and it turned out it was his. He wanted nothing to do with his baby mama and he still loves me very much. I returned his ring. The next day, I let him visit with our daughter. She was so happy to see her father. I felt like a fool for keeping them apart for so long, because no matter what he does to me or himself he will always be our little girl’s father. The next six months are like this, I don’t go back to him. We talk and see each other for our baby. One day, out of the blue, I get a message from his baby mama. She writes, whether her and Eric are together or not she will always be a part of his life because they share a child together. She said that our children are siblings and they should know each other. So, I ignored it. She e-mails again asking for his social security number, his address and any other information to tell child support. I ignore her. I also don’t tell Eric. Since he had the nerve to tell me what goes on between them is none of my business. So, he was pissed when he got the papers, but, oh well. He chose to make a baby with a 28-year old woman, who still lives at home, has no job, and collects welfare. A year later, I fell on hard times. I had lost my job and soon my little apartment that I loved so much. I had no family to turn to. So, I went back to the house I shared with Eric because he offered. He gave me our old bedroom while he slept on the couch. It was weird at first. He was depressed. He would barely talk to me, except to tell me how happy he was to see my face every morning, again. He started to cheer up, began to flirt with me, and bring me presents. Soon, we started kissing, sharing a bed together, doing everything a couple does. I tried to have sex with him several times, but he would not do it. I hadn’t had sex in 2 and a half years. I wanted him again. He is the only man I’ve been with. So, I asked him why and he tells me he contracted herpes after he had a one night stand with a woman he met at conference six months ago. Two weeks later we have sex with condoms. He was shaking the entire time, but I still ended up getting it some months later. I took it okay, I knew the risk I was taking but every time I try to talk to him about it or when I told him I had it he just blames himself. He won’t even talk to me about it because he’s so busy putting himself down and what he did. I told him I wanted to get married again. He avoids the conversation. Now, the real problem is his baby mama. She lives 500 miles away. She told Eric he is required to go down there to see her son once a month. I assumed he had done something like that before we got back together. He goes every 3 to 4 months because it’s impossible for him to go every month and not lose his job. Also, she wants $400 in cash every month. If he agreed to all of this she would stop the child support payments from be removing from his check. So, he did it, but there is still an open case with the court and even though it’s no longer removed from his check he still has to pay child support. I tried telling him not to send her cash, it’s not a good idea, but he does it anyway. He tells me it’s not my business. Since I’ve moved back in he has taken one trip to see his son. I was worried the entire time. She knows we’re together again. Soon after he came back I went through his messages, and he was sending her messages saying he couldn’t wait to see her and she was sending him selfies and telling him how she needs him to be her man. I confronted him. And, he gets mad at me for going through his phone. We work it out, but I tell him no more trips or I’m leaving him. Five months go by and his baby mama is calling and texting more than ever. Three weeks ago he tells me he will be leaving to go see his son for the weekend soon. That he will be sleeping on the couch at her parent’s house. He says it’s just for him to see his son, but I find it hard to believe. We fought almost every day until he left. He never called me when he made it off of the plane, like he said he would. I texted him to call me around 6pm. He texted me saying that he can’t because he is at a wedding. I’m pissed. So, I call and text him saying that he went out there to take her to the wedding and how is he there for his son? He ignores me. The morning he is supposed to come home, he doesn’t. I call him over and over again. No answer. So I call and text her. I tell her she is pathetic for using her son to see my man. He finally calls me and before he says hello I hear him tell her, “I’m going to beat her a** and kick her out of my house!” I tell him off. He tells me he was just mad and didn’t mean it, and that I just caused a lot of problems between them and how I don’t care about his son. He said he no longer texts or talks to her like that, and that he is just here for his son. Whom I’ve never met, because the only time she lets him see him is at her parent’s house. Eric still has not come home. He is still with her. He refuses to answer my calls, so I stopped trying. I feel like he is asking too much of me by expecting me to trust him with a person he cheated on me with, then punishing me when I can’t. And, now I believe more than ever he is with her, because you don’t tell anyone you will beat your girl for them. He doesn’t consider seeing his son cheating. No matter what he says I know deep down inside he is cheating. I do care if his son has a father, but he has never made an effort to see him without her. He would go to court if this was just about seeing his son. So, that really shows what he cares about. I feel so stupid right now for coming back to him, and letting him give me herpes, but I would be on the street right now if I didn’t. I just want out. I have no money, no one I can stay with, and no job. What should I do? I really need help coming up with a plan. – Still His Stupid Girlfriend Dear Ms. Still His Stupid Girlfriend , O_O I really had to take time to digest this letter, and sit with it. Honey, I made some tea, then some more tea, and then some more tea. Girl, this is just a hot a** mess, and should be a Lifetime movie. The layers of this letter is deep. I simply cannot believe that you intentionally slept with him knowing he had herpes, and then contracted it, and, you still stayed with him. Gulps tea. And, he was supposed to come home, however, he is still in another state with his baby momma, and refuses to accept your calls. WOW! WOW! WOW! Gulps tea. I truly believe that the wedding he was attending was his own. Yes, sweetie, he went down there and married that woman, and now he has to figure out a way to either a.) Tell you and get you out of his house. Or, b.) He continues to play the both of you and he travels back and forth lying to you telling you that he is going to see his son, when in actuality he is going to see his wife. It hurts my heart that you were able to get away from him once before, get your G.E.D., start community college, and you had your own apartment. I’m so sorry that you fell on hard times, and lost your place, but the last and I mean the last place you should have considered going to was back to him. Why go back to all of that drama and mess he put you through? He cheated on you, and lied about it. Hell, not only once, but a number of times he’s cheated on you. The first time he cheated should have been enough. And, after you put him out of the bedroom, and he then moved out four months later, that should have been it. But, you took him back, and then when his uncle died (which I don’t believe), he tells you he doesn’t want you coming with him, and, yet, you find out he got another woman pregnant. He wasn’t going to tell you, you had to dig and find out this information. So, had you not snooped and found this information he would have never told you. Think about it, the entire time she was pregnant, then conceived, and when the child was a month old, he still had not told you. HE WAS NEVER GOING TO TELL YOU! SMDH! But, let’s address the serious matter that he is a hoe. He sleeps around, and has casual sex with women without using any protection. He cheated on you twice that you know of, and the second woman ended up pregnant. Then, when you and he get back together after some time, you learn that he contracted herpes because of some fling he had at a conference. Uhm, ma’am, he is a hoe. And, you should have used common sense to know that he is not to be trusted, or someone whom you should lay with and give yourself to. I don’t care if he was your first, your only, and your last, no d**k, especially tainted d**k is worth risking your life over. Let the d**k go! Look at all the lies he’s told you, then he covers them up and doesn’t tell you. You have to snoop, dig, and pry in order to get the truth out of him, and even then he continues to lie to you. He uses the other woman and his son as a scapegoat, when in reality that is where he wants to be. It’s obvious that he is stringing you and her along because he doesn’t want to pay child support and have the money taken out of his pay check. Therefore, he keeps telling you he loves you, and wants to be with you, and he is telling her the same thing. Even to the point where she has petitioned to have him taken him off child support, and he pays her and agrees to travel once a month or every few months to go see his son. He’s gangsta! He’s a hustler. He’s a con man. He’s a lying piece of –ish, and he’s trapped you and her into his web of lies and game. And, on top of it, he gave you an STD, which I truly don’t understand why you would knowingly sleep with him and put yourself at risk when he has demonstrated and shown you that he doesn’t care about himself, or you. A man who can have casual sex, and not use any protection, is not someone you should ever trust yourself to lay with or be with. If he doesn’t take his own life and health seriously, then he will never ever take your life or health serious as well. So, now that your man has gone and married another woman (I believe that in my heart), and he refuses to answer your calls or texts, then it’s time to put a plan into place. You find a shelter, a good friend, or call human services and ask for resources for women who have no place to go and need assistance. Get on public assistance if you have to. You’re going to have to stop being a victim, and start over again. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. Stop relying on him. He is unreliable. He is a liar. He is deceptive, and he doesn’t respect or love you. Stop thinking you need him, and stop making the excuse for him that he should be there for his daughter. Clearly he doesn’t want to be there, otherwise, he would man up and do what he needs to and be present in her life. He’s told you to stay out of his business, and stop interfering with him and his baby momma. You are not his wife. You are the side chick living in his house. Which is why he told her that he is going to beat your a** and put you out of his house. You have not stake, no claim, no nothing to him or that house. Get out of this relationship before he destroys more of you. Go to a shelter if you have to, let go of the pride and ego and work on saving you and your daughter. Make sure you find a doctor to get treatment for your herpes, and begin a regimen for medication. You have to take care of you and your daughter. Stop calling him and texting him. He doesn’t want to be bothered. He doesn’t want to talk to you. Stop trying to make this relationship work when it is clearly over. Stop calling the other woman and threatening her, she is caught up in his lies and bull-ish just like you are. Who knows what he is telling her about you, and what lies he’s telling her. Besides, you notice that she doesn’t call you. Therefore, stop calling her. You’ve got to think of your own well-being and that of your daughter. Stop obsessing over a man who doesn’t give a damn about you. Rebuild your life, your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s time to invest all that energy into you and your daughter. Invest in your education, get your degree and begin working again. Find a job, somebody is hiring. Find a church or spiritual center to rebuild and nourish your spirit, and soul. Build friendships, supporters, and reinforcements that encourage you. LET HIM GO! He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t love you. Leave today. Not tomorrow, but today. Make the calls and start planning. Honey, you are better than me, because I would pack all my stuff and leave. And, when I left, I would leave the doors wide open. BOOM! BAM! POW! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
I don’t know who this faggot Jenny Lewis is, but I know her video is a pile of shit set to a shitty viral song…. Up on some Mackelmore, let’s target single middle aged sluts who too the Sex and the City approach to life, fucking as much they could, only to realize dudes marry and knock up wives, not career obsessed cunts…with dirty pussies…especially after they turned down babies and family for career, only to be menopausal on a pile of money – feeling empty as fuck… I’m posting this because Kristen Stewart and her inbred eyes is in it in drag…being one of the guys…because based on her sex appeal…I am pretty sure she is…
My friends and celebrity sex tape industry experts at VIVID.COM – are also Parody Experts were nice enough to give me an EXCLUSIVE CLIP OF X-MEN XXX I figure that if you’re visiting this site, you have got to be some kind of nerdy, weirdo with aspergers, who is way too into celebrity babes to really leave the house and meet a fucking girl of your own, so porn is what it is, and what you’re left with…porn and fucking comics…sci/fi fantasy…never getting laid… It’s the season of COMIC CON, but you don’t need me to tell you that, so this should fit in nicely with your social life…and virgin loser needs… CLICK HERE TO SEE THE CLIP Here are some pics TO SEE THE EXCLUSIVE CLIP CLICK HERE
Dear Bossip , My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years and we’ve had our ups and downs through those years. He recently told me that he has cheated on me with a couple of girls, but said that there were no emotional attachments. He owned up to all his faults and said that I was in no part of why he did it. I have been cheated on before so I have my insecurities and issues, and this recent confession doesn’t help me in one bit. I’ve always walked away and never stayed with anybody who has cheated on me. But, I decided to stay with him because I didn’t want to throw away years of memories together. He has been trying really hard ever since. He has cut all communications with the girls and has been keeping a low-profile by staying home and hanging out with me more. He’s also promised to be honest and faithful this time around. I just wonder if it’ll ever be enough. How can I ever trust him again? How do I overcome this? And why do I feel stupid for staying? Could I ever look at him the same way again? I really need some advice. and Thank you for listening. – Confused and Heartbroken Dear Ms. Confused and Heartbroken , My question is why have you been dating a man for ten years, and all you have to claim for yourself is that he is your boyfriend? Why have you continued a relationship with a man for this long and you’re not married? Why have you given him all this time, dedication, and created these “memories?” So, now that he’s admitted to cheating on you with a couple of girls, and he says it had nothing to do with you. Uhm, okay, so why did he cheat? What was his reasoning? If there was no emotional attachment, and it was nothing that you did, or didn’t do, so why did he step out and sleep with a couple of girls? Did you even ask him why? I’m curious to know what was his reasoning for cheating and why did he do it with a couple of girls. It was not one woman, but several women. SEVERAL! There is no excuse he can give for his infidelity, and it would take a whole lot more than just staying at home and hanging out with you more, and keeping a low profile. Obviously, he cheated because, oh, I don’t know, because he just felt like it. He has a problem with monogamy, and being faithful. He has a problem with being committed to one woman. Therefore, instead of working on the real deep rooted issue of his infidelity, he feels that staying home and keeping a low profile will prevent him from doing it again. That’s not going to happen. He has a problem. And, he can sit up in the house all he wants, and he can hang with you all he wants to. And, hell, he can keep a low profile, too. But, eventually he will get bored and tired of this routine. He will want to go hang out with the fellas, or go do something on his own. His urge and desire will return, and he will start making excuses and finding ways to get out of the house without you. And, he will resort back to his cheating ways. He needs to address the real issue at hand, or you will find yourself having this same conversation with him again with him confessing his infidelities. You say you have trust issues, and you have been cheated on before. Therefore, why did you leave those men, yet, you are staying with him? Memories cannot keep you in a relationship. The real tea is that you have invested time and energy into this man, and you are, or were hoping he would marry you one day. You figured he was the one, and that he would be your husband, and you’ll have a family by now. Now, you are trying to save face because how do you explain to your family and friends that you ended a ten year relationship with a man and you have nothing to show for it but some memories. You and he need to have a very serious conversation, and discuss what will the next six months to a year look like for you two, and where is this relationship going. Will there be a marriage happening soon, and what type of commitment is he planning to make with you other than you being his girlfriend? It’s time to get to the root of his cheating, his infidelity, and what it has done to you and your trust of him. Break it down, and if you don’t like his answers, and there is no plan of action to move forward in your relationship, and he hasn’t rebuilt the trust, then it’s time to chuck up the deuces and leave. It’s not worth it to spend another day, another hour, or another minute with him if there is no secure future, and you do not have his trust, or feel he can be trustworthy. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! – See more at: http://bossip.com/965440/dear-bossip-ninety-percent-of-my-fiances-friends-are-females-hes-slept-with-half-of-them-im-uncomfortable/#sthash.aYMwojHZ.dpuf
SMH… KITV4 has video of what witnesses say is a rare human on human attack among divers. KITV4′s Pete Caggiano has has more on this underwater confrontation that gets heated. NDN
Dear Bossip , I need help with my situation. I was engaged with my boyfriend of 5 years, and with 2 months left until our wedding I found out he’d been cheating on me for the past 3 years. I obviously broke things off. After a few months I moved to a new, and bigger city. On my third day at my new job I met “A.” We hit it off from there, and started talking on the phone for hours, texting every day, and going out on dates. It has been almost 3 months that we’ve been talking, and I’m ready for a relationship with him. He takes such good care of me, and I get the legit sense that he has feelings for me. However, he won’t be in a relationship with me because of two things: We work together, and I quit smoking shortly after meeting him, which makes him think I did it for him. We had a sit down talk and we decided we’d be friends and friends only. On the following days he started flirting with me again, and he started kissing and hugging me all over again. So, I just went with it and refused to let myself ask him where this is all going, since he only wants to be friends. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up the other day. It was the best sex of my life. We had such a wonderful connection, and he even held me close and tight, and kissed me until he fell asleep. But, he still won’t date me. I don’t know what to make of this situation. I am completely in love with him, and all of his actions show that he feels the same. What can I do? – What Now Dear Ms. What Now , He has that disease that most men have when they break up with a woman. It’s called, “I can still hit that if I want to.” And, you fell for it. You went right back into the same web of games he’d been playing with you since you arrived as the “new” girl in the office. His mission was to get you in the bed before any of the other men. Look, you’re the new girl in the big city from a small town. He played on your naivety, sized you up, and made you feel special. I’m sure he wanted to show you around the city, and introduce you to different places. You were so enamored by this man and his chivalry, and because you’d just come out of a painful situation, he played on your weakness and he started plotting. He knew that no other man had been with you since you moved to the city, and you were “new” cootie kat. All men want the new cootie kat when it lands in the city. They can smell it as soon as you step into the room. They are equipped with special sensors which lets them know when a new woman is in town, and she has not been touched, held, or plucked yet. So, they start the hound, and the hunt on how to make you their new bedpost notch. And, ma’am, let’s be real about the lame excuse he gave you for not wanting to pursue a relationship with you. He didn’t want to get involved with you because he felt you gave up smoking for him. Really? That’s a sorry a** excuse. He could have come up with a better one than that. And, he did. He said he didn’t want to date someone he worked with. I’m an advocate for folks not sleeping and dating with their co-workers. It’s a no-no for office politics and romances. DO NOT –ISH WHERE YOU WORK! So, he was clever and he pulled out (pun intended) before things got to serious. He let you down, ended your hopes and desires for something serious, and he got you where he wanted you. Now, you are the, I-Can-Hit-That-When-I-Want-To-Girl. He never wanted anything serious with you. He never wanted you to be his girl, his woman, or to have any type of future with you other than someone to kick it with every now and then. You are his new side chick, his freak buddy. He will lay with you, give you good sex, make you feel as if he is really into you, and will cuddle, hold you, and kiss you. But, he does not want anything more than what he is getting in the bed with you. You are nothing more to him but some a**! Therefore, you have to decide what you want and if this is something you wish to continue. Can you handle being his freak buddy? Can you handle emotionally disconnecting yourself from the idea that he will make you his woman, and you will have some future together? Can you handle going to work and knowing he is only using you for sex, and that he could meet another woman and start a new relationship with her? I don’t think you are built for that type of relationship, and I don’t think you are that type of woman. You deserve more, and something better. You deserve greater and a man who will commit to you, love you, and not treat you like a game, or some piece of a**. End this relationship before it goes any further, and you become too attached to him emotionally, mentally, and physically. It will get worse if you don’t. Don’t disrupt your work environment and employment for a man who will have no problem leaving you to save his own job and sanity. He’s made it clear he won’t date a co-worker, so make it clear to him that you won’t continue to sleep with one. Spend the next few months working on you, empowering you, and building yourself. You need time to heal yourself, and get to know you. Don’t allow any distractions to come along and play on your weakness, or vulnerability. Go out, have fun, enjoy the new city, and make new friends. Take it slow, and the man for you will eventually show up and make himself known to you. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! – See more at: http://bossip.com/954035/dear-bossip-my-husband-spends-an-enormous-amount-of-time-with-his-mother-i-cant-stand-it-or-her/#sthash.TWkSjr3K.dpuf Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! – See more at: http://bossip.com/963740/dear-bossip-my-man-obsesses-over-other-womens-assets-he-told-me-i-should-conisder-butt-augmentation/#sthash.nfCH8hBk.dpuf
Dear Bossip , My best friend and I have known each other 8+ years (he is 31 years old, and I’m 29 years old). We met through a mutual acquaintance and later discovered that we attended the same school. There was never a flirting relationship between us, just jokes and genuine dislike of “aggressive” people. We’re both laid back go with the flow type of people. Most likely, this is why our friendship only ever existed on campus, i.e., we never hung out in a different setting, other than the first time we met. Fast forward 2-3 year, we’re both in relationships with other people. Mine ended; his turned into a marriage and a son. His wife was very controlling about him and our friendship. I’m not the type to step on anyone’s toes so her dislike of me made me remove myself from the situation. Thus, our friendship literally became nothing more than phone conversations here and there. I would talk to him like he was one of the girls and he would talk to me like I was one of the guys. A year into their marriage his wife (24 years old at the time, with 4 kids that weren’t his, plus their 1, 5 total) began to go out, A LOT!!!! Also, his wife would have the car so on days that I could he would ask me for a ride home from work, which was no problem, but again that was our friendship. The only time that we would see each other was a 20-30 minute ride home from work. Eventually, his wife got herself a boyfriend and asked him to leave because he worked “too much” and didn’t give her the attention she required. During this time our type of friendship didn’t really change. I would just listen to him as he questioned what he did wrong and how he could get his wife back and so on and so forth. At this point I myself was in a relationship and many of those conversations would be between the three of us. My ex telling him that he needed to get back out there (during their marriage he had lost friends and family by staying) find some friends and a new lady. Which he eventually did, but he’s not into dating. He’s a homebody and misses the family life. Last October my boyfriend ended up leaving me to chase his dreams of being a rapper. Also, around that time I had lost my job, so when he left I was left with stacks of bills and nothing more than a part-time job. My best friend, however, had finally got the job that he wanted and things were and still are getting better for him and recently he has been my rock. We’ve spent more time together in these last two months than we have our entire friendship. We go everywhere together, anything I need he provides, and if his ex goes nuts about the kids (her boyfriend left her, and he still takes care of her kids as if their his own) asking for more money leaving him broke. I do share the little that I have so he can eat, have gas money, etc. Also, we have never EVER crossed that friendship line, but… Our families love each other and not one moment goes by without one of them telling us to cut the –ish, and get together. It’s gotten so bad that our mutual friend is even joining in on the act and saying that we should give it a try. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but for me I know that the both of us needs this friendship right now more than we need to take a chance. But, things have gotten so bad between us that we no longer date other people, we’d rather do things together. Only time we’re with someone else is for sex, then when one tells the other its hints of anger on both sides, but neither of us go into detail. We both just shrug it off and down play the relationship we have with others. When I do ask him why he doesn’t date anymore he’ll say things like, “I’m tired from work” or “I don’t have the money right now,” but then he’ll turn around and ask me, “Where do you wanna go?” Or, “What are we gonna do today?” I’ve told him that I don’t want to cramp his style, but he’ll just ignore me or say “I’d rather be around you than them.” At this point I don’t know what to do or think. Should I continue to go with the flow or is this turning into an unhealthy situation? – Crossing The Line With Bestie Dear Ms. Crossing The Line With Bestie , Misery loves company! Yes, I do agree that this is an unhealthy situation. You are co-dependent on each other, and notice that you’re always together, especially when things are not going well in your relationships, or when you come out of relationships. You’ve become each other’s ear, and shoulder to cry on. You run to each other to be consoled, and to bish and complain about others, and what’s not working in your life. You’ve developed a relationship that is totally reliant upon each other’s misery. And, it’s not healthy. Look, don’t you think when you met years ago when you were in college that he would have stepped to you and pursued a relationship if he was interested? And, don’t you think after all this time, at some point it would have dawned on him, he would have made a move and pushed up on you if he was really that interested? What I’m sensing is that you are more invested in his life, and what’s going on with him than he is with you. But, I get it. You’re both emotionally and mentally needy people. And, he feeds your desires to be emotionally and mentally heard, and at the same time, you feed his desires to be emotionally and mentally heard. You feed off of one another. That is why he said that he would rather be around you than them. You understand him, get him, and support his emotional and mental rants. It’s baggage, and you both are carrying each other’s baggage. Other people don’t want to be bothered because it becomes draining. But, it feeds the both of you. Think about your friendship, and notice the pattern between the two of you. When he needs something he runs to you. You asked him why isn’t he dating someone, and he said he’s tired from work, and he doesn’t have any money. Uhm, he doesn’t have money because he is giving his money to his ex-wife who left him, and he’s supporting her and her children that are not even his own. He has one child with her, but he is taking care of a household full of people. That doesn’t make any sense. So, why is he doing it? Why is he giving her all his money? And, why are you supporting him doing this, and why are you giving him money for food and gas? But, this is the kicker, he turns around and asks you where are we going to go today, and what are we going to do today. Who’s paying for this? He doesn’t have the money, so are you supporting him and taking care of him? Why? Friend or no friend, he has to become better at managing his own finances, and stop acting like a damn child. He has to grow up and become more responsible. But, neither of you see what you’re doing. You two are doing nothing but using each other. Using each for emotional and mental support. Using each other for financial support. Using each other as shoulder’s to lean on and cry on, and mope and bish to. You both need to be in therapy, and, in particularly he needs some serious therapy. You can’t fix him, help him, or solve his problems. But, he keeps running to you because you are the only one who will listen to him, and give him a stage to perform. You support this bull-ish, and he will keep using you, sucking your energy, and draining you. And, guess what, neither of you are in relationships, but he will find another woman, and continue this pattern with you. No, I don’t feel you should cross the line with him by becoming intimate. It will only complicate your relationship by making it physical and sexual. You’re already emotionally and mentally in a relationship with him, and it has proven to be unhealthy, therefore, making it sexual will only make it worse. And, what happens once you discover you’re not physically attracted to one another, or the sex is awkward and contrived? Also, look at his pattern and behavior. Nothing will change between you and he. He will continue to work, take care of his other family, and complain about his life, and you will continue to support him, and be his sounding board. Stop being his sounding board. Stop financing him. Stop being his co-dependent partner in these emotional and mental rants. Stop giving him that much access to you. Stop letting him use you. I bet if you stop doing these he will find someone else to drain and suck the energy and life out of, and he will miss you for not being there for him, and helping him, and listening to him. It will become about him, and not how he’s treating you, using you, and how he leaves you each and every time he comes and takes from you. It’s time for a reassessment of your friendship, and what you clearly are not seeing. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! – See more at: http://bossip.com/954035/dear-bossip-my-husband-spends-an-enormous-amount-of-time-with-his-mother-i-cant-stand-it-or-her/#sthash.ZlhRoZI5.dpuf
Dear Bossip , I’m coming to you to ask advice on how to handle a situation that affects my whole entire family. My boyfriend and I are expecting our first born. Although this wasn’t planned, I was actually still using birth control when we found out, I am looking forward to motherhood and this new chapter in my life. My parents (especially my mother) are livid that his has happened before we are married. She blatantly told me that I am a failure even though I have a college degree, masters, and currently working on my PhD. There is no doubt in my mind that my boyfriend is who I want to be with and he has expressed the same as well. I have also heard that he is putting down on a ring and planning on proposing in the near future. My parents are pushing for us to have a civil wedding and go to justice of the peace before the baby is born and then have a religious wedding after. They are worried about how they will be viewed by other family and friends being that their daughter is pregnant and unwed. My boyfriend’s family would like for us to marry in a civil wedding but they are supportive of whatever decision we decide to go with as long as we are doing what we feel is best for us. They are overjoyed that there is a baby on the way and looking forward to a new addition. My boyfriend has expressed to me (and my parents) that he is in love with me but only wants one wedding. He wants to give me the dream wedding that I want. The dream wedding that I don’t have the time, energy or finances to plan just yet because we are in the process of getting ready for the baby and moving into a bigger place. He has also told me that if I really want a civil wedding then he will give me just that but that a later ceremony is out of the question because if we are already married why go through the hassle of planning and having a ceremony for show? His wish is to go through with this one time. And stay married. My father and I have a decent relationship and we speak regularly, but things have gotten so bad with my mother that she barely talks to me. She doesn’t mention my pregnancy and never asks how I am feeling. I have never changed the way I act around her but her attitude towards me has been a complete 180; almost as if this is her way of punishing me. She doesn’t even know when my due date is. When I bring up my feelings to her, that as her daughter all I ask for is support and motherly advice and that right now my main focus is my health and remaining stress free, she ignores me. When she’s not ignoring me she’s shaming me and telling me that if I don’t get married before the baby is born I will never get married and that my boyfriend will leave me. I have already been to the ER for an anxiety attack and spiking blood pressure. She feels as if I don’t care about her or my father and that I should be worried about what my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc think about me. That is not the case. I am extremely attached to my family, but I expressed to her that my biggest fear is that if I marry someone because someone else wanted me to and not because I was not yet ready in my heart. Her response, “Then break up, people do it all the time.” So, then what is the point of marriage? Just to run down the altar, and later get a divorce? I don’t agree with that. As strong as my bond is with my boyfriend, this has put a dent on our relationship because he feels that I am spending too much time stressing myself out and that I am not putting our future family first. He has expressed to me that all he wants is to see me happy and that if the situation with my family is so volatile, I should try to distance myself as much as possible for my sake and sanity, but it’s not that easy. He is scared for my health and our unborn child and fears all this stress could lead me to miscarry. My question, should I rush into marriage because that’s what my family wants and put my relationship on the line? Or do I take my time and do what makes me happy and put my wants first? – Civil or Wedding Ceremony Dear Ms. Civil or Wedding Ceremony , First, congratulations on your pregnancy. It sounds as if you have some wonderful support systems in place that are encouraging and positive. But, ma’am, your momma needs to “sat” down somewhere and mind her business. THE HELL!!?!?! These mommas and their trying to keep a leash on their grown a** children need to get some business, or some good piping! I’m just saying. Now, what I’m going to need for you to do is grow up the hell up, and stop acting like a little girl seeking her mother’s approval. And, that is what’s going on here. You are still that little girl who is desperately trying to make her mother happy. You’re trying to do all the right things to bring her happiness, and to make her proud of you. You boast of your education, and living up to these standards for your mother’s approval. Unfortunately all she sees is her daughter pregnant, unmarried, and shacking up with some man. Not that she has done a great job in raising you, instilling morals and values, and that you are competent and capable of taking care of yourself. No, all your mother is concerned about is what other people will think. Who the “F**K” cares what other people think. They are not paying your bills, paying for your education, sleeping with you at night, financing you, feeding you, or taking care of you in any capacity. So, why be bothered and concerned with your mother’s issues that she’s imposing upon you. That’s her –ish, and don’t let her dump her –ish off on you attempting to make you feel guilty. Ugh! I can’t stand bourgeoisie uppity a** folks! You have a boyfriend who is standing by your side, and is committed to marrying you and building a family with you, and his family is even supportive of whatever you decide to do. So, why is your mother’s panties all in a bunch? She needs to get over herself, and have several seats. I agree with your boyfriend in that this joyous moment in your life should not be filled with anxiety and stress. Your focus and concern should be your health and well-being for the sake of your baby. And, here you are worrying about what your mother thinks. Like your boyfriend said, you are going to have to distance yourself, focus on your health and your unborn baby so that you can deliver a healthy and happy baby. Look, I understand you have a close relationship with your family. But, why would you keep allowing yourself to be mistreated and dogged by your mother, who’s already created anxiety in your life which sent you to the ER. IT’S NOT WORTH IT! Stop trying to prove yourself to her. Stop trying to make her happy. Stop trying to get her approval. No matter what you do she will not be happy. Not unless you do it her way. So, you have to make a choice: Either you grow up and be a woman and start making grown woman decisions and choices; or you continue being this little girl waiting on your mother to tell you things are okay, and she’s proud of you. In regard to the wedding, you have to do what makes you happy. Again, I agree with you boyfriend and his family, if getting married is so important to your family, then a civil wedding will do. But, to do another wedding just for show is costly, and can put a financial strain on the future of your marriage. Don’t create added or extra stress if you don’t have to. Now, if you decide to wait to do the big ceremony after the child is born, then simply wait. You can take your time and plan a wedding, coordinate all the details, and go all out. Is this what you truly desire? Is this what you need to validate yourself, or will it be for show and for your mother and her friends and the rest of your family? Honestly, you have to do what makes you happy. Think about your future, and take into consideration how this will affect your relationship. You’ve already stated this has put a dent in your relationship. What you don’t want to do is run off a good man because you are trying to make your mother happy. Your boyfriend has told you that he is supportive of whatever you decide, and his family is even encouraging. The decision is yours. Not your mothers and what she wants. Look, I understand your mother is concerned that if you don’t do it now then you never will. What I think is going on is that she is worried and concerned about losing her daughter. She can no longer control you. You will become your husband’s wife, his partner, and she won’t have a say in your life any longer. So, now she is guilting you and shaming you. But, all she really wants is just to protect you, however, the way she is going about it is extremely unhealthy and inappropriate. She is creating unnecessary stress and drama. And, as a mother and parent she should know better. Furthermore, she is the one who is caught up in appearances, and what others think. Unfortunately, she cannot see how what she is doing is causing damage to you, and making you unhappy. Ma’ma, don’t allow her to displace her own issues and problems onto you. Again, distance yourself and keep the lines of communication open with your father. Keep him informed of what’s going on, what’s happening, your due date, and all other important information. Trust me, he will relay this information to your mother. And, when it’s for the baby to be delivered, your parents will be there. Despite all this drama, she will be right there trying to lay claim on her grandbaby. After the baby is born you and your mother need to have a serious conversation. You need to readjust your life as an adult woman, stop trying to appease your mother and make her happy, and eventually come into your own. This level of doing things for your mother’s sake has got to stop. It will ruin your marriage, and relationship with your man. It’s not worth it. At some point you’re going to have to put your mother in her place, politely, and let her know she did a great job, but now it’s time to take off the overly protective mother gloves off, and let go of what people think. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Dear Bossip, I am really confused. I have been married to my husband for a year and we have been together almost a three years. Five months before we got married he moved out of our home and moved back with his mother. He told me he wasn’t ready to get married. Two weeks later, I find out that he has went back to his baby’s mother. I was devastated and mad as hell. Two months later we talked and ended up getting back together. A couple months after that we got married. I thought we were doing good. We got married in August and then I found out I was pregnant. Not exactly was I was planning on since I had started school again. With my pregnancy I became super sick because of my high blood pressure. Two months later my husband loses his job and I’m dumbfounded. Our relationship went from bad, because of my pregnancy, to worst, because of his job lost. We talked many times about getting a divorce and getting on with our lives. During these last couple of months I have been in and out of the hospital with this pregnancy. Eventually, my husband got a job cutting hair. One day I went to get my tags for my car and I called him while I was in line and I didn’t get an answer, and he always answers when I call. I remember getting off the exit to go home and something told me to go check his job or his mom house to see if he was there. No he wasn’t. I went to his baby’s mother apartment and there is his car sitting there. I’m crying and calling him and got no answer. I decided to put him out. I had the spare key to his car and I took his car, brought it home and loaded it up. I talked to his baby mother and I found out that they had been sleeping with each other since he lost his job in March. I just so happen to catch him that day. I’m confused on what to do. Of course he has begged and apologized. I’m due in a few months and our lease will be up our apartment. I’m on disability because of my pregnancy and money is small compared to what I made before getting pregnant. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce and he was sorry and it won’t happen again. I’m on my last straw, the last monhts of my pregnancy and lease for our apartment. What should I do? We have already gone through counseling. – Stay Or Try Again Dear Ms. Stay Or Try Again , Let the lease run out. Move your things out. Leave him. Get a divorce and move on with your life. See how easy that is! Chile, I swear the common sense gene is rare the days. You can sit over there and fool your own damn self listening to that man as he tells you that he doesn’t want a divorce and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again, yet he keeps sleeping with his baby momma. LMBAO! Girl, hop on one leg and pat yourself on the head if you believe that. Your husband is deceitful, manipulative, trifling, and a liar. He’s cheated on you several times, even during your pregnancy, and you caught him, yet, you’re asking me what to do. Sigh! This is the classic case of, “Even though he told me he didn’t want to get married, I didn’t care what he wanted because I wanted to be married, and besides, I LOVE HIM!” Thus, when –ish hits the fan, such as when he cheats on you, then you want to get all up in a huff because, “How dare he sleep with another woman and we’re married.” Sigh! If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times in letters to women like you in this situation: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then guess what? They don’t want to be in a relationship with you either. And, if someone tells you they don’t want to get married, then guess what? Say it with me class: THEY DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND NOT TO YOU EITHER. Why are you holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held? Why make someone commit to you and they are not ready to commit to themselves? If he isn’t ready to commit to marriage or a relationship, then you get exactly what you deserve. He won’t commit to you or anyone else, so he’ll keep sleeping with you and his baby momma because the both of you are silly a** broads who keep letting him lay between your legs and fill your small heads with lies. And, because he knows you’re not going to go anywhere, and neither will she, he keeps playing this game with the both of you. And, because the both of you are so desperate for a man, you’ll rather have a piece of man, who keeps showing you who he is with his trifling cheating ways, and yet you keep running behind him trying to convince him to love you, and that you need him. Sweetie, this MoFo doesn’t give a “F” about you! Stop perching your lips and drinking from his nut sac! Now, guess what’s going to happen? You’re going to be baby momma number two. He’s going to get back into a relationship with his first baby momma. You two women are going to end up arguing and fighting over this bum a** dude who cuts hair and can’t afford to pay child support. And, even though he’s the problem in this equation, and he’s cheating and sleeping with the both of you, the two of you are going to fight and brawl with each other like two chicken heads fighting for scraps of d**k meat. SMDH! Then, he’s going to tell you how much he loves you and misses you and you’re going to believe him and spread your legs wide open for him, again. Which means he’s sticking the both of you raw, i.e. Sharing community d**k. And, you two aren’t the only women he’s running up in. Trust me there is a third and fourth chick out there somewhere. Probably in the same apartment complex as you, and his baby momma. And, guess what’s going to happen? All of y’all are going to end up pregnant at the same time. Chile, I should put my psychic abilities to better use. LMBAO! Look, Ms. Honey, chalk this up as a lesson learned. I need for you take a good look at yourself and become conscious of how you played a part in all of this, and how you should start listening to what someone says to you, as well as what they are doing. Pay attention. If someone tells you they don’t want to be married, then listen to them. Stop trying to make someone be with you for the sake of what you want. You can’t make someone love you, be with you, or marry you if they don’t want to be. He’s shown you time and time again who he is. He doesn’t want to be faithful or monogamous. He wants to have it all. Leave his nasty narrow a**. Stop fighting for his love when he is not willing to fight for your marriage, or his commitment to you. He’s a child, a boy, and you can’t teach him or make him be a grown man. Walking away from this madness, and being about your business and empowering you will make him look like the fool in the end. He is not worth it. Get the divorce. Get the alimony, and take his barber tip money. And, then you march to the court house and put his a** on child support. Stop letting him belittle and demean you. Ugh! Now, get your life together and stop stressing because the innocent child you’re carrying doesn’t deserve all this madness coming into the world. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
