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Dear Bossip: While I Was Pregnant He Treated Me Like A Dog, But Now He Wants Us To Be Together

Posted on July 31, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I have been dealing with this guy that I met about two years ago. He was my manager at my job. We began dating (which was against policy) and fast forward a few months and I’m pregnant. He was a pretty decent guy. That’s when things started to change. He started to go missing on several different occasions for days at a time. I quit my job because I got pregnant and found a new job. He told me to take it because I made more money even though it was far out and I don’t drive. He ended up going back on his promise to make sure I got to work so I had to quit.  I couldn’t stand the two-hour bus ride in the heat every day. I was out of a job, pregnant, lacking the knowledge of my boyfriend’s whereabouts and not to mention extremely emotional. I was six months pregnant walking up and down the street looking for him. I didn’t want anything but to be held. Calling his phone all hours to see if he would answer. Dealing with his baby mamma drama that he couldn’t seem to get under control. All I wanted was for him to be with me and love me as much as I loved him. And for him to just acknowledge the fact that I was pregnant and excited about that he should be too. I go to his apartment and seen his other baby mother’s car out front and got the idea. When I would confront him he would basically act like he didn’t know anything. Fast forward and I’m in the hospital. After I just had my baby I’m wondering if the drama with his baby mother is still going on. They’re texting in the middle of the night while we’re at the hospital. He’s leaving the hospital to go talk to her. Blah. Blah. Blah. I felt alone. This man broke my heart. I loved him. But he didn’t love me. Fast forward to now. My son is six months. His dad wants to always be around me. Twenty-four seven. He wants a relationship. Do everything for me. Take vacations. Buy me things. But I don’t want any of it. He put me through so much pain. He is as sweet as he could be now. Crying telling me how he has changed. Blah. Blah. Blah. I feel bad for him sometimes, but then I think, why should I? I gave him my whole heart and he didn’t want it. So, now I’m taking my -ish back. But why do I feel so bad? I just want to let him go and all the pain he has caused me. All the nights I sat up crying over him are all a thing of the past. The love I have for him is gone. But, he just won’t let me let him go. Everyone criticizes me for not wanting to be with him now. Even my own mother. Saying things like, ‘You’re going to need him one day.” But, in my mind I’m thinking, why? When I needed him he wasn’t there so just because he cares now, I should too? So my question for you is, am I right for not caring? For wanting to date other men? For wanting my own happiness that doesn’t involve him? I’m tired of the lies, hurt, and baby mama drama. I just want to be free. – Wanting Happiness Dear Ms. Wanting Happiness , Ma’am, I’m truly sorry for the pain, agony, and hurt you endured with this man who led you to believe one thing and did another. He basically left you pregnant, walking the streets looking for him, encouraging you to leave the job for one that is further out, but did not help you with transportation and you had to quit. Then, on top of all this he filled your head with lies, and he was untrustworthy. He continued an ongoing relationship with his other baby momma, and while you’re in the hospital giving birth to his child, he is texting and calling his other baby momma. WOW! He is trifling, low-down, and a scum bag of a human. So, no, you don’t owe him anything. You don’t have to do anything but go to court and have him put on child support and make sure he is actively involved with his child’s life. You don’t have to engage with him other than making sure he abides by the visitation you set up with him about his child, and being an active father-figure to his child. It’s unfortunate you don’t have support from family and friends. They want you to continue to endure the drama and stress not knowing all the drama and stress he put you through. Just because he’s recently coming back around and saying he’s sorry, and that he’s changed, and bringing gifts and wants to be a family. Don’t let your family and friends bully you into going back into an unhealthy and unwanted relationship that you know is no good for you. They only see what’s happening on the outside. They did not endure or experience what he put you through. So, don’t fall for the, “Girl, he is a good man. He wants you. He’s apologizing. And, you’re going to need him one day.” Uhm, actually, you are the good woman, and he needs you because his other baby momma put his a** out and doesn’t want anything to do with him. That’s the real tea! He has nowhere else to go, so he is going to turn to the one place and the one person who wanted him. That’s you! He doesn’t realize the collateral damage he did when he put you through all that bull-ish. He thinks he can just show up and say, “I’m sorry. I want you and need you.” And, you will welcome him with open arms. No ma’am! Not tuhday! Girl, that will last all of about a good month and he will back to doing his old antics and his old behaviors. Trust! Don’t go back and don’t look back. Continue moving forward. Remember this one thing, never make someone a priority in your life when you are an option in theirs. Don’t allow yourself to be someone’s doormat. You’re too good for that. And, your emotions and feelings matter. They are not disposable or arbitrary. So, all that he’s done to you shows you the type of person he is. And, as you’re moving forward keep this in the forefront of your thoughts: Are you supposed to forget what he did, how he made you feel, and the days and nights he disappeared. Are you supposed to forget walking in the heat pregnant looking for him. You are supposed to forget taking the two-hour bus ride to a job he said he would provide you with transportation. Are you supposed to forget his baby momma staying at his apartment when you went looking for him and discovered her car. Are you supposed to forget he was texting and calling his baby momma while in you were in the hospital, and right after you gave birth to his child. Are you supposed to forget the heartache, the pain, the emotional, mental, and physical stress you caused you. So, continue to move forward without him. Replenish yourself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. You went above and beyond for a man who did not go above and beyond for you. It’s time to focus on you and your child. Go back to school, empower yourself, and surround yourself with positive affirming people who will continue to encourage and uplift you. You don’t need anyone or anybody in your life dragging you down, making you feel guilty, or not encouraging and supporting you. Get rid of the excess baggage. Then, put him on child support through the courts. Set a visitation plan, and let him know that the only communication you wish to engage in are around your child. Do not call about your private life, getting back together, and hearing how sorry he is or any of apologies. You get it, he’s sorry. Literally. Forgive him and thank him for the valuable lesson he taught you, and you’re going to use the lesson to do better, be better, and stay better. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!           

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Dear Bossip: While I Was Pregnant He Treated Me Like A Dog, But Now He Wants Us To Be Together

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Dear Bossip: My Man Had A Baby On Me With A Woman Who Is 40 & He’s 25!

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , So, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We both work and go to school, and try our best to take care of our children. But, the man I thought he was has completely took a turn. Last year, June 3, 2012, I found out he had a baby on me. I am 24-years old and he is 25-years old. The other woman is 40-years old, and after getting the complete details of their relationship it was all fun and games. And, it’s a shame because neither one had enough respect for themselves to use protection, but now they have a child that has to go through loops and holes because of their dumb behinds. I also found out that he has had several affairs with other woman. I was 6 month pregnant when I found out and it put me through a lot of stress, and actually so much stress that I delivered a month earlier. I love him and my girls love him, but I am still not over the whole situation and don’t know what to do. I still cry. I still hurt. I try talking to him but it gets nowhere. He says that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, but in my head three kids and then no relationship, all my children are with him, and we love him dearly. He has this other side that is sneaky and he doesn’t care many times it seems. I’m tired and have drained myself a lot with all that he has put me through. I just want to let go because it’s like he is not trying to change or work anything out. I told him that he and his other baby mom do not have to be friends to take care of that child, and I don’t want him in her house or riding around with her. They are not allowed to do anything together because they are not a family, but it drives me crazy because I know he has to converse with her because of the little girl. But, I’m just used to it being me and mine not some whore behind ole lady looking for a young check. Let’s make it clear that she has 9 children with 9 different men. She collects child support checks for a few of them $400-$500 for each, and now she gets $400 from him. She says she doesn’t care for him, but still causes us problems. I just can’t keep tabs on him. I don’t have the energy and time to waste especially if he already knows. I asked myself a thousand times what did I do for him to go out and cheat multiple times with multiple women. I cook. I clean. I take care of the kids. I work. I’m in college. I make sure home is taking care of. We have sex on the regular, and it is great on both parts. You don’t find many young women like me and I feel like he has walked over me. I don’t trust him with her, but I know nothing that goes on with him because he keeps everything in his phone which I’m not even allowed to touch. And, the baby mom is so desperate she will lie for him. I just don’t know, but I’m lost in love and hurt. It’s caused me so much pain. What do I do? I see that you are a very honest person and straight forward and that’s what’s best for me. – Where Do I Go Dear Ms. Where Do I Go , Ma’am, you can cook, clean, take care of the kids, work, go to school, own your own business, run the world, and make love to him every day. But, you cannot make a boy into a man! I’m sorry, but you women taking on the roles of surrogate mothers to these little a** boys, only keeps them in the role of little a** boys. They have not been taught how to be men, or how to act as men and be responsible. So, all you’re doing is becoming a second mother to them, weaning them on your tit, babying them, running after them, scolding them, chastising them, and hoping they will get it together. Sounds familiar? He’s a dog. He’s a cheater. He’s a whore. He’s a liar. He’s a deceiver. These are things you must tell yourself the truth about him. When you see the truth, speak the truth, then you can handle the truth accordingly. It’s important to not be in denial, or tell yourself something that isn’t the reality. Yes, he may have been good to you at one point, and a great father to his children, but how he is treating you and his children with what he is doing, and how he’s going about it only sets you up for doom. And, his children only see their father as a cheater, and a man who stepped out on their mother. So, what lessons will they learn? I swear you folks don’t think about the children in these instances, and the selflessness of your ignorance. And, I get it, you’ve been with your man for six years and have children together. I get it. You’ve invested in him, believed him, and hoped you would build a life with him. Chile, you only get one pity party with me, and then I’m turning on the lights and putting folks out! I’m not going to sit around and boo hoo and weep. No ma’am. Not over a man! Especially a man who’s told you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Uhm, sweetie, as hard as that is to hear, and as hard it is to walk away from someone you’ve given your time, energy, body, and soul to, you’re going to have to muster the strength to walk away and let him go! Stop holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held! Stop trying to make someone be with you who doesn’t want to be with you! And, if someone wants to walk out of your life, please, please, please give them their luggage, and let them walk out! You say you’re tired. You say that you’re drained. You say that you don’t have the energy to run after him, make him do right, or be the man you want him to be. Then stop. Stop trying to make him the man YOU want. Stop running behind him. Stop giving him your energy, time, or body, and you will replenish yourself. Focus all that energy on yourself and your children. Focus on bringing you and your kid’s joy and happiness. If you keep waiting on him you will wear yourself out, and you will become bitter, angry, and depressed. And, you’re already on the brink because your letter is wreaking of the symptoms. You’re writing bashing him and the other woman. Well, the other woman has nothing to do with this. You don’t know what your man told her. He probably lied to her and didn’t tell her he was in a relationship. They both chose not to use condoms. But, your man knew better. He stepped out his relationship with you. He is the culprit. So, going after her is not going to solve your problems. Get over it, and her! And, as a matter of fact, she is going to be involved in his life for the next 18 years, and collecting a check. So, she is the smart one. You’re the one trying to turn a hoe into a husband! SMDH! Girl, you better get a grip and start collecting the other remaining half of his checks before he gets another woman pregnant and she takes the other half. So, baby girl, you’re going to have devise an exit plan, and it starts today. Today you let him go, and you tell yourself that it’s not worth it to have a boy who is not a man. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a little boy who is still playing games and looking for his momma? You’re not a surrogate, and you didn’t sign up to play one. Since he won’t let you touch his phone, and  he doesn’t want you to know what he’s doing, where’s he been, and, he’s sleeping with other women, yet, he is still living with you, then you take his a** to court and apply for child support. Handle your business accordingly, as he is apparently handling his. Then, put him out. Let him go live with his momma, or his other baby momma. But, you cannot take care of him while he is running the streets. Put an end to that –ish today! You are not responsible for raising someone else’s child. And, if you keep running after him, trying to get him to commit to you, and make him do what you want him to do, then you are trying to raise another child. STOP IT! Work on you. Love you enough to walk away. Love your children enough to walk away. Find a spiritual family, or a church to join, and replenish your soul. It’s time to let yourself be nourished in goodness, joy, happiness, and peace. Give to yourself, and you will eventually move on from him. It will take time, but once you do you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place.  TRUST ME! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!            Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: I Give Him Money, Yet, He Won’t Make Me His Girl & He Said Unless I Give Him A Certain Amount He Won’t

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Benny Hollywood

Dear Bossip , I’ve been knowing this guy I’m seeing for about ten years. We meet when we were in high school. We always liked each other and messed around while we were in school. So, after we graduated we both went to different colleges. So, as time goes by, we run into each other again. So we immediately hit it off.  He was so sweet and interested in my life. We just started talking and catching, getting to know each all over again. Then he told me that he need some help moving and he was two hundred dollars short, so I helped him. So, after a while he began asking me for money and lots of it. He has a job, but always wants to spend my money. Then I asked him since we’ve been talking for about a year why won’t he gal me, and he tells me that he’s not ready for a relationship. Then he tells me the only way he will gal me is if I give him a certain amount of money. He told me that if I gave him that then it proves that I really love him and is down for him. So, I gave it to him and then he started treating me worse than he already was. Then I told him that I couldn’t give any more money. Then threatened me by saying if I don’t give it to him then he won’t ever talk to me again. Then he tells me that he can find another girl who will do what I won’t. Then he only calls me if he wants money, but tells me that he loves me and wants to marry me. I don’t know what to do, but I love this dude. I want to know is he just using me or what? I really need some advice. – I’m So Lost I Need To Be Found Dear Ms. I’m So Lost I Need To Be Found , Lean forward and get real close to the computer screen. Closer. Closer. Closer. I’m going to smack the –ish out of you! Chile, I swear whatever college education you received they must have had a special – buy one degree, get one free and you were the get one free. Because clearly you are lacking education, street, and common sense. I’m going to get to the point because whatever –ish you’re smoking, you need to stop it today and do a spiritual, nutritional, and mental cleanse. I hate to say that you are a lost cause but, darling, you clearly have something missing in your head. Here’s the thing: No man, especially a grown a** man who is able-bodied and has a job, should be asking a woman for money. No man, and clearly a real man, would not even think to ask a woman for money and he is working and holding his own. Now, read this slow because I know it takes you a minute to figure things out, but do you think you should be giving him money and you’re not his woman? But, more importantly, if he has a job, and you’re a hard-working woman, do you think you should be cashing your check and giving him your money? (Think about it. Think about it. Think about it). Now, I’m from the old school of thought, and what I know about a man who is taking money from a woman and they are having sex, well, Ms. Thing, he is called a gigolo. Chile, you cannot be this naïve, gullible, and thirsty. Yes, darling, you are thirsty. You got a long straw sipping on this man’s love juices. Sitting up here letting this man use you, berate you, and demean you.  Ma’am, this so-called friend is a gigolo. He is not your man, nor is he a friend because a friend wouldn’t be so vile and trifling to do what he is doing to you. You are paying for sex. Yes, ma’am. You are giving him money on HIS conditions which are, “If you love me, then you will do this. Or, I’ll marry you, if you give me money.” That fool is a pimp! Yes, a P-I-M-P! And, you, my dear, is his ho. Only hoes and prostitutes give their money to their man. Chile, I refuse to go any further because you are a wretched mess, and he’s even a bigger mess in pimping you the way he does, and your clown looking self thinks she has a good man. Chile, why do you keep giving him money with the hopes that he will be your man one day, and that one day he will marry you? You’ve got to be the dullest crayon in the box. I swear you’re working my nerves with this nonsense. MS. THING! Think about it. Every time he comes to you asking for money, and you tell him that you can’t, then he tells you how it’s over, or he wants you to prove yourself to him. Your dumb a** does it and he treats you worse. Where’s my belt with the brass buckle ‘cause I’m going to hit you in the face with it. Look, Ms. I’m So Lost I Need To Be Found, you need a wake-up call and I’m ringing the bell. And, it’s not that bell you hear for cows grazing out in the meadows. He has told you that he doesn’t want to be in relationship. Then guess what that means, boo boo? He doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and especially not with you. He asks you for money and you willingly give it to him. Girl, I am smacking the –ish out of you again, and this time I drew way back and reached from behind, and I hope it knocks your wig to the side. Stop giving him money!!!! He is not going to ‘gal’ you. And what the hell is that nonsense, ‘gal’ you? Folks, I tell you that education is the key to everything, but if you’re not paying attention in school and you’re skating by, you will be walking around saying, ‘gal me.’ WTF! Moving on. And, since that rat-bastard has told you that what you won’t do some other woman will, well, look here Pimping, you can go get another woman to do it because this ATM is shut down. Let him know that you’re out of business, the bank is closed, there are no more withdrawals, and if and when he is ready to settle down and be a man, and he is coming up off some money and making some deposits, then you will entertain a conversation. But there will be no more finance, romance, or any other –ance. It’s a wrap. It’s over. BOO-YAH! So, girl, get yourself together and stop breaking this fool off with your hard-earned money. You work too hard and too damn long to be giving it to somebody who is not even your man! Honey, take that money and start treating yourself to some manicures, pedicures, and get yourself a better wig other than the one sitting on the top of your head. Looking like boo boo the fool’s momma. Learn your value and your self-worth. You’re too valuable and too smart to be letting a man run this game on you and you’re not hipped to the game. Chile, you better stop playing with this fool before you end up broke, penniless, and with bad credit. It’s only a matter of time before you start putting things in your name for him. Girl, let me go before I smack the –ish out of you again! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!          Continue reading →

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Dear Bossip: My Ex Infected Me With A Disease & I Want To Date, But I’m Afraid Of Rejection

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am a 30-year old single woman who has been out of the dating game for a year due to a very bad break up. I have always been the faithful type and I don’t make a habit of sleeping around. Last year around this time I found myself awaiting the return of my fiancé who was serving in Iraq. For 18-months I kept to myself and just counted the days until my man was to come back home.  Well, I got a special surprise one day when I answered the door and it was my boo. He was back a whole week earlier. To make a long story short, he took me right then and there. The sex was off the chain. About three weeks after that I started having some female issues, so I went to my Gynecologist and I found out I had herpes and gonorrhea. I know I could have only gotten it from him because for the past four years he has been the only partner I have been with. When I confronted him about it he was not angry or surprised by it until I broke up with him. Now, a whole year later I have been flirting with a guy in my office who has asked me out so many times it’s not even funny. I finally said yes and we have been going out and having fun for about three months now. We have not had any sexual contact yet, but I want to so bad. I have all the information about protection and how not to spread herpes, but my question is how do I even bring up the subject without him automatically thinking I am a skank or something?  I don’t know too many black men that are willing to date someone who they know has an STD. – Stuck With A Disease Dear Stuck With A Disease , Damn! Damn! Damn! (In my Florida Evans voice). Now this is some ole’ low down dirty trifling bull-ish right here. Please don’t tell me that that man is still breathing and walking! Honey, all of your cousins, brothers, and uncles should have whooped his MoFo behind! Here you are being the dutiful girlfriend who stuck by her man’s side while he went off to war to fight for our country. You did the upright and admirable thing and held down the home front. I bet any amount of money that you supported him emotionally while he was away. You sent letters, cards, and care packages to him for the entire eighteen months he was in Iraq. You didn’t even stray outside of your relationship. You remained faithful. Yet, this disease infested trifling a** dirty dog is having sex with lawd knows who, and what, and comes back home and brings you a special package. One you can’t get rid of it. Yeah, you would have been entitled to a “beat his a** and clip his nuts” get out of jail free card! This should be a lesson for all women out there. If your man is out of your life for a period of time, i.e., overseas, prison, or wherever, and he comes back into your life, girl, until you’ve both been tested for all diseases and have gotten a clean bill of health from your doctor, please use condoms. Or better yet, don’t engage in sex until your results return!! Okay, Ms. Thing, back to you. So, you want to know about the guy in the office who you’ve recently started dating and you haven’t had sex with yet, but you want to. You want to know how to bring up the subject matter without him thinking you’re a skank or something. But, what I am reading and interpreting from your questions is, if you should tell him about your herpes, or if you should take precautions and don’t say anything? So, let me ask you this. The fact that your ex didn’t say anything to you and gave you herpes and gonorrhea, how do you feel about that? Didn’t you feel betrayed? Didn’t you feel deceived?  I’m sure you were hurt, angry, bitter, and probably asked, “Why me?” So then, why would you do the same thing to someone else? Why would you not tell someone about the risks and potential harm you are putting them in? It’s called being selfish. It’s called being self-righteous, and arrogant. You don’t care about anyone else except you and what you are getting out of the situation. You are willing to put someone else’s health and life at risk because you want some sex to satisfy your own selfish pleasures. Girl, that is wrong. Be honest, upfront and tell the truth! You want to know when to tell him about your situation? Ms. Honey, it’s time you tell him now. Today. Right now. This very moment. It’s been three months and you’ve been avoiding it because you’re afraid of what he is going to think. He deserves to know. He has a right to know. I am certain he wants to have sex with you, but I am clear, and very clear, that it is you who is putting him off because you’re afraid of how he will respond to your situation. Don’t you dare wait until you have sex with him, and while he’s laid up next to you then you decide you want to become Ms. Truthful and Honest and tell him, “I have herpes, but it’s all good because we used condoms and I know all about the precautions.” Don’t be surprised if he jumps out of the bed, leaves you lying there, and never speaks to you again. You have to tell him because it’s the right thing to do. You can’t worry about how he is going to respond or what he is going to think. You can explain to him what happened, how it happened, and that you are treating your herpes. However, it is up to him if he decides to stay in the relationship, or if he decides he wants to sleep with you. If you’re honest and tell him the truth, and educate him on the precautions to take, you never know how he’s going to respond. So, Ms. Thing, I’m sorry about what happened to you, but, please don’t go around manipulating and deceiving others because you feel no one will love, or date you because you don’t want to disclose the fact that you have a disease that is infectious. That is trifling and low-down. Be a woman and be upfront about your situation. Don’t mislead others for your own selfish pleasures. In being honest and truthful you never know how your mate will respond. Respect, love, truth, and honesty goes a long way baby – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!           

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Dear Bossip: My Ex Infected Me With A Disease & I Want To Date, But I’m Afraid Of Rejection

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Dear Bossip: I Was Made A Side Chick Unknowingly, But Now I Miss Him & Think I Want Him Around

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am a 24 year-old mother and college graduate of one year. I already have a job in my field of Law Enforcement. I said that to say this, I am not usually confused in most areas of my life. I pretty much know what I want and go for it and I don’t let negative things cloud my judgment (usually). Well, I really don’t know where to start, but here it goes. I was with my daughter’s father for 7 years. I lost my virginity to him. We had her around that 7th year and during my pregnancy I found out that he had been cheating on me for a little over a year with someone else. I was extremely hurt and broken over that. Although it was very hard I ended that relationship and endured the joys and hardship of being a single mother, but I pulled through just fine. Well, that was 3 years ago and I have been single ever since, and my daughter has not ever seen me show any type of affection to any guy, not even her dad because I left him when she was only 2 weeks old. I am very protective over my child, as any mother should, and for the fear that a new relationship would not last and that would only confuse her once she became attached. I have not introduced her to anyone I’ve been out with. Well, almost a year ago, I met this guy who is 5 years older than I am. He was a complete gentleman and he asked me out on a date. I agreed because I was impressed by this approach. We hit it off. I found out he was in a previous relationship for 14 years and they have 2 kids together. I was a little suspect about that, but several dates came after that. I made him wait about 3 months before we had sex because for one it had been a while for me and I had only been with one other person and I also wanted to develop something more than just physical. And, we did…everything was perfect, months went by and I started falling in love with him, but I still did not allow him to meet my daughter. About 2 months ago, things changed.  I saw him with the mother of his children dropping one of his kids off at a skating rink. I just so happen to be there taking my daughter to a party. I asked him about that and his excuse was he was spending time with his kids. Ok, so when does spending time with your kids involve you being in a car with their mother DROPPING THEM OFF??? We started to go out on dates less often and I stopped seeing him less often. I questioned him about the relationship with him and his children’s mother and he denied anything was going on. One day, I received a call from her from his phone and -ish hit the fan. She told me they had been married for some time and asked questions that any other woman would ask and I answered them honestly. She then woke him up and gave him the phone. Once he heard my voice, he hung up. Shortly after, he calls me and wanted to know why I told her the truth!!! I told him he made me the “side chick” unknowingly and that if I had lied for him, then that would have made me like any other “side peice.” I cut him off after that. I don’t know why, but I was not as hurt as I thought I would be and I haven’t given him any much thought since. It’s been 2 months since I’ve spoken to him, then all of a sudden he’s been blowing my phone up none stop, leaving voice mails saying how much he misses me and asking can we just be friends at least. I finally answered his call and told him I still wanted nothing to do with him and to just cut his losses and move on (just like that). Since then I have been thinking about him none stop and I’m starting to miss him a lot. I don’t know if it’s because of the fact that I have not had sex with anyone since him and I’m “f**kstrated,” or because I really do miss him. I’m starting to feel like I want him around after all…WHAT SHOULD I DO??? – Truly Confused Dear Ms. Truly Confused , Girl! LOL! I love your word, “F**kstrated.” And, that is exactly what you are! F**kstrated! Chile, this man lied to you. He deceived you. He manipulated you into thinking he was a single man who had a baby momma and that you and he had some type of relationship. Then you discovered he is married. And, now you’re writing and asking what should you do because you miss him, and you’re feeling some type of way. Uhm, boo boo, he is still married. He has a wife and family. Why would you want to be with this man? What would you gain? Why would you knowingly want to sleep with this man when you know he has a wife and a family? And, so now you’re okay with being a “side chick?”  SMDH! Don’t be the other woman. It’s not cute. It’s not worth it. It’s not who you are. If you have all these morals and values around not introducing your daughter to various men, and you uphold standards of being a virtuous woman, then what lesson will your daughter learn knowing her mother is sleeping with a married man? How can you live with yourself knowing you’re sleeping with another woman’s husband, and you’re nothing to him but some a**? But, hold up, when his wife called you and she put him on the phone and he hung up on you, then had the nerve to call you back and ask you why did you tell her the truth? Girl, that right there is when you should have called his wife back and told her.  But, you should have set his a** up and told him to meet you at a nice hotel. And, then you and his wife should have shown up together and whooped his a** together! Chile, you want to portray yourself to your daughter as if you’re a good woman and that you’re not out there sleeping with various men, but what will you say to her knowing that is not who you are? Let’s consider these facts: 1.)    He’s married. He’s still calling you, and thus, this means he is lying to his wife. And, if he lies and cheats on her, he will do the same to you. Point blank! 2.)    He’s done this before. Girl, I hope you don’t think you’re the first woman he has done this with. I’m sure the other women who were unknowingly made the side chick left his bum a** alone when they learned he was married. You’re the only one who is dumb enough to really consider being a married man’s side chick. 3.)    He has children. You have children. Do you people really consider your children in your decision making when you’re playing these games? How will this affect them in the long run? What lessons they will learn from all of this? How do you explain to your daughter that you’re a married man’s side chick? 4.)    You’ve seen him with his wife. You’ve spoken to his wife. Sooooo, you’ve reconciled in your head that despite seeing her, speaking with her, and him lying about his 14-year marriage that it’s okay to go ahead and continue your sexual relationship with him simply because you’re “F**kstrated.” Now, let’s get to the real root of your frustrations. You are exactly what you’ve declared, F**kstrated. You need some steady man meat in your life. And, you’re willing to compromise your morals and values because you’re d**kmatized. It’s not worth it. There are millions of single men in the world, and I’m sure there are many single men in your city, or area. Get yourself one of them and take out your sexual F**kstrations with them. You need the sexual stimuli and release with a man who can satisfy your desires and needs. You’re missing male companionship, and because you have all these rules that dictate your life, and with introducing men to your daughter, you’ve put yourself on a sexual hiatus. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can still have fun, enjoy yourself, and be sexually active without bringing men to your home. I’m sure there are plenty of men who have their own homes or apartments. Hell, you can even go to a hotel and get your freak on! Don’t deny yourself sexually if that is what you need. You just have to be creative in getting and doing what you need to do without bringing men to your home. Look, the point here is that you should tell that man to lose your number, block his number, and stop communicating with him. He’s married. That is something you don’t want to be a part of, or get mixed up in. Get yourself your own man. A single man who can satisfy your sexual needs and desires. And, hopefully it will lead to a relationship. Until it does, you can go to his home, a hotel, or find other creative ways to enjoy an active and healthy sex life. Honey, you’re a woman with needs. And, the last thing you want to be is a woman who is F**strated and laying up with some other woman’s husband. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!          

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Dear Bossip: He’s My Second Cousin & I’m In Love With Him, But I Know He’s Denying His Feelings For Me

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’m responding to a similar scenario that was posted on your site with the title, “I Love Him & Feel He’s The One, But He Told Me He’s Not In Love With Me.” Okay, take all that into consideration but then include the fact that I am his second cousin. Does this change anything? Let’s say he tells me he loves me more than anyone. He loves being with me more than anyone, and that he feels more alive with me then anyone, but he isn’t in love with me. Please read the following scenario. Everyone thinks he is in denial. I know from your advice column you generally feel that what men say is the same as what they feel, but isn’t it different when society dictates he can’t say what he feels? Or, is the answer that love conquers all and if he wanted to be with me he would be, period. Keep in mind that he is only 24-years old and I am 29-years old. He is still living under his father’s thumb who is paying his way. I am at my wits end with this situation. My cousin and I are having numerous issues right now. Basically it boils down to this: I am in love with him and can admit it, but he cannot. He tells me he loves me more than anyone in the world, and I make him happier than anyone in the world, and being with me is liking being in heaven, but he isn’t in love with me. Everyone else who sees us tells me he is in love with me, but cannot admit it. He tells me numerous times that he is a self-preservationist and that we would have messed up children, and that he isn’t sexually attracted to me (this while staring at my lips and breasts). We sleep in the same bed together, but lately he is having trouble sleeping in the bed. He is restless and tosses and turns and tells me he can’t get a good night’s sleep with me in bed. He tells me he doesn’t have the same problem with his girlfriend (they are currently long distance). I’m assuming this is because he is sexually frustrated around me. I’ve already seen him with an erection and he quickly resorts to yelling. He has gone from letting me sleep in bed, to telling me I need to sleep elsewhere, to telling me I can’t sleep in the apartment all together. The girlfriend knows how close we are and basically hates me. Right now I feel as though he has the best of both worlds. He cannot commit to me physically and he cannot commit to her emotionally. He is having his cake and eating it to. He has been more open about discussing things with me. At first he wouldn’t even run the idea in his head. He eventually understood where I was coming from. Now, he has agreed to go to therapy if and when he breaks up with his girlfriend, but that I am not allowed to bring up kissing him or having sex with him until that time. This means I am stuck in limbo. To add on to the problem, his grandmother who is absolutely crazy about me wants us to be together. Mind you she does not know who I actually am (though I’m about 70% sure she does know and is playing along based on hints she has dropped). Long story short, our families dislike each other.  He and I have only known each other for about 4 years. I hadn’t seen him before then since we were babies. He tells me he doesn’t have sexual feelings for me because he knew I was his second cousin when we meet. However, he is constantly staring at me, he strokes my arms, he wrestles with me etc. He tells me I fulfill 9/10ths of a wife, but he can’t have sex with me. I tell him he can but he won’t. So, now I need to know what to do. I can’t stop talking to him completely this is not an option. Should I distance myself from him, just do things with his grandmother and let him go off with his girlfriend, or should I be around him and his girlfriend a lot to show him the difference he feels around the two of us (he has actually told her to her face that he feels truly more alive around me than anyone else), or should I tell him I promise not to bring anything sexually up and just be a friend to him always hoping something works out, or should I just bite the bullet, kiss him, and if he stops talking to me he stops talking to me, or should I date someone and bring them around to make him jealous (possibly with the hopes of liking them.) I have tried to kiss him so many times but I am not sexually experienced and I always chicken out and wind up talking about it. Each time he tells me we need a break but we just go right back to being together. We hang out every weekend from Friday to Sunday usually. I have spent about 80% of my time with him in the last year. Basically what is the best way to proceed to get him to admit he is in love with me? I have no idea what my next step should be. P.S. – This is not me being in denial. Literally everyone else sees he is in love with me and we are meant to be. Our family says it, our friends drop hints, and strangers comment that we are so in love. Members of the board how shall I proceed? – Madly In Love With My Cousin Dear Ms. Madly In Love With My Cousin , Girl, please go someplace else with this damn –ish! The hell is going on in the world with folks lusting, desiring, and trying to freak with their own family members? Is this how life is now in the hood? Has this backwoods rural –ish infiltrated into the streets of MLK Boulevard and on the South and North sides of the hood? I’m going to need you to take this back to the mountains and have several seats on a cliff someplace! I don’t understand why you’re looking to have a sexual relationship with your own cousin? Why? For what? One thing is he right about is that you both need some therapy for this –ish! You both need to have your heads examined. This donkey a** behavior has got to stop tuhday! I know there is not a limited supply of d**k out there! I know there isn’t! It can’t be! Well, based on some of the letters I get, you’d think there was a d**k shortage. LMBAO! Honey, you’re running after him, confessing your love, and he keeps telling you that he’s not in love with you. He doesn’t want to be with you. He doesn’t want to engage in this relationship because he knows it’s wrong, but you keep insisting that you belong together. You’re the one living in this false sense of reality. Why keep running after someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Regardless if he is in denial, or trying to resist his feelings for you, SEXING, LOVING, AND BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR OWN COUSIN IS INAPPROPRIATE! Who in their right mind will condone this asinine –ish? You can’t be that desperate and lonely that you really are considering being in an intimate relationship with YOUR OWN COUSIN! Family, regardless of how distant they are, is still family. And, why are his grandmother, and your family members co-signing this bull-ish? Are they in-breeders as well? Chile, let me find out that the family is doing nothing but breeding with one another and, thus, this will explain the slow degenerate gene being passed along in this family. Let’s look at your slow a** questions and get you some answers. 1.)    “I  need to know what to do. I can’t stop talking to him completely this is not an option.” Uhm, yes you can! The other option is to move on with your life, and get this silly a** idea of sleeping with him out of your head. And, to do this you have to eliminate him out of your life, and you have to stop communicating with him. If you’re so turned on by him, and desiring him, then you have to remove yourself from this situation. It’s not healthy emotionally and mentally. You’re going to seriously do more harm to yourself, and him, if you keep thinking having a relationship with your own cousin will result in a loving relationship. IT’S NOT and IT WON’T! 2.)    “Should I distance myself from him, just do things with his grandmother and let him go off with his girlfriend?” Yes, you should distance yourself from him. He doesn’t want to be with you. He’s made this abundantly clear. Stop laying in the bed with him. Stop putting yourself in these awkward situations with him. And, stop engaging him with sexual conversations, and relationship possibilities. He’s in a relationship with another woman. He has a girlfriend. Let him be with his girlfriend regardless of how much he says he loves you and what you provide mentally. It’s inappropriate! 3.)    “Should I be around him and his girlfriend a lot to show him the difference he feels around the two of us (he has actually told her to her face that he feels truly more alive around me than anyone else)” This just sounds dumb! All this will do is result in a fight with you and his girlfriend. Two women fighting over a man who is mentally inept, and you’re the mentally challenged cousin vying for her cousin’s attention. Does that even sound attractive to you? Hell naw! 4.)    “Should I tell him I promise not to bring anything sexually up and just be a friend to him always hoping something works out?” Girl, please stop. You’re sounding real desperate and hopeless. You’re going to torture yourself by thinking you can just be his friend, and ignore your sexual attraction and desire for YOUR OWN COUSIN! Girl, leave him alone and move on with your life. There are over a billion men in the world, why do you want to sleep with the one who happens to be YOUR OWN COUSIN? Ugh!! 5.)    “Should I just bite the bullet, kiss him, and if he stops talking to me he stops talking to me?” Again, engaging in any type of sexual relationship with YOUR OWN COUSIN is not healthy or sane. You are family members. Why are you interested with in-breeding? Only animals in-breed. Oh, wait, this explains your donkey behavior! 6.)    “Should I date someone and bring them around to make him jealous (possibly with the hopes of liking them.)” Ugh! Girl, you are showing your intellect and age. I figured your IQ was the same as your age. You sound real silly. Why am I even engaging this bull-ish? Look, there is nothing right about this situation. Nothing positive or nothing even remotely affirming about desiring and wanting to have sex with your OWN COUSIN. Please consider getting some help, and into some therapy. You need your head examined. Well, that won’t do anything because this in-breeding in your family is inherit. You’ll figure out some way to get your cousin to sleep with you. I can see you getting him drunk off some Henney, or slipping him a Molly so that you can get what you want. SMDH! Walk away from this situation. Walk away with some dignity as a woman. There are many men who are single and available that you can work on having a loving, monogamous, and non-family member relationship with. Stop running after YOUR OWN COUSIN. Stop lusting after YOUR OWN COUSIN. He’s your family member! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!         

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Dear Bossip: He’s My Second Cousin & I’m In Love With Him, But I Know He’s Denying His Feelings For Me

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Are You Serious?: White Christians Make “Jesus Is My N**ga” Music Video [Video]

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

DEAD @ “Take It Away Mary Sue!” And yes, those are white folks saying the n-word! ilp

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Are You Serious?: White Christians Make “Jesus Is My N**ga” Music Video [Video]

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Dear Bossip: I’m Christian, He’s Jewish & I Want To Marry Him, But He’s Bisexual

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am a single mother to a one year old boy. Promising myself that I won’t have to sing the “single black mama” song for the rest of my life, I continued with med school and recently graduated. During this time, I met the man of my dreams. He’s open, generous, kind, understanding and forgiving. Besides the fact that I love him, I have never met another human being like him in my life. He is truly the type of person that no one can speak ill of. When we met, I had vowed celibacy, maybe that it why things were different this time around. I got to know him in every single way without being intimate with him. He accepts me, faults and all and the reason I am writing you is because I whole heartedly want to be able to do the same for him. About a month after we began dating, we were having a conversation about sexual transmitted diseases. He randomly adds to the conversation that gay men are not allowed to give blood being of the risks of HIV. At first I thought, “How horrible, gay men are people too and not all gays should be assumed to have HIV.” However, my second thought was, “Why would you be concerned about gay men being able to give blood unless you were gay?” Without even knowing I blurted out, “Are you gay?” He answered no. I then asked, “Are you bisexual?” He again answered no. I left his apartment that night feeling very uneasy. The next day he said he wanted to talk. While we were in school, I’d asked him if he ever slept with anyone in the school and he told me he didn’t want to talk about it. I pressed him and he said he was involved in a horrible love triangle that would’ve ruined his career but he refused to tell me anymore. Well, today he was ready to tell me the whole story. He was sleeping with a girl who wanted to be his girlfriend. They were good friends with another couple in the school. My boyfriend began “hooking up” with his friend’s boyfriend. He had a sexual relationship with him, but he says he has never had sex with a man. Long story short, all parties are made aware of the undercover relationship. Both females involved are scorned (understandably) and tell everyone in the school, essentially outing both men who no one knew were gay before. When I found out I was heartbroken, angry and embarrassed, I felt as if I had been dating a gay man and no one felt the need to tap me on the shoulder and say, “Hey, you know he’s gay right?” He says that he is bisexual but prefers women. He tried to explain that his attraction to men differs from that of his attraction to women. I don’t know how I managed to get over it, but I did. It took time, and a lot of Googling, but I eventually accepted it, or so I thought. I recently met his parents and we are supposed to be taking our first vacation together later this summer. He has yet to meet my family and son. I don’t know if I mentioned that I am African and he is Jewish. At first I thought this was the reason I have been hesitant to bring him home, and also the fact that my family is crazy, old school and will ruin a relationship they don’t approve of. But, lately I have been thinking maybe it’s because I have a bisexual boyfriend. Am I afraid he will be improper with my son? Am I afraid that his openness about his sexuality will cause my family to disown me? Can we get married if I’m Christian? How will that work? I have all of these questions. I feel like I am at a point in the relationship where if I cannot see myself spending my life with him I should not drag it out. BUT I sincerely care for him, and minus his bisexuality, he would be perfect. I don’t know what to do. – Sexuality Obsolete Dear Ms. Sexuality Obsolete , So, let me get this straight (no pun intended) LOL! Your man is bisexual, but he did not come out forthright to disclose this information to you until you pressed him about it? And, when you did question him, he lied, then eventually told you the truth? And, though you say you’ve gotten over his sexual preference, you’re considering marriage with a man who is bisexual, and you’re wondering if your religion will impact your lives? Girl, you obviously missed the short yellow bus this morning. I’m going to call them and have them swing back through and wait for you. I swear these letters get better and better every day. Well, let me ask you this – What do you stand to gain in marrying a man who is bisexual? He has revealed to you, that though he prefers women, he has an attraction for men. So, are you going to throw on a strap-on and bang him out? What happens when he feels the need to satisfy his attraction for men, and need some stiff loving? What happens when he’s out and about, or gone for long extended periods of time, or you’re gone for long extended periods of time, and he wants to get his man meat satisfaction? How is he supposed to shut off the part of him that has an attraction for men just because he marries you? No matter what you think, hope, or want to love him enough to be with just you, he has a desire to be with men. There is nothing you can do to make him only want and desire just you. He’s going to fulfill his desires for men, regardless of what he tells you. Unfortunately, you don’t have the necessary equipment to satisfy his long dong desires. Now, being the educated, smart, intelligent woman that you say that you are, I’m concerned that you would put yourself in this situation knowing all this information about his bisexuality and, yet, you will continue the relationship. Obviously, there is something missing within you that you feel he is the only man that can bring you love, happiness, joy, and monogamy. So, ask yourself, “What am I missing within myself? Why do I feel the need to be with a man who is bisexual and needs the comfort, and pleasure from another man? While I’m giving him 100% of me, I will only be getting 50% of him. Is that enough for me? And, when he comes to me and tells me that he is desiring a man and needs to satisfy his desires am I strong enough to let him get his back blown out and come back home to me?” But, this is a sidebar question: You say that you completed medical school and your boyfriend randomly adds to the conversation that gay men are not allowed to give blood being of the risks of HIV. And, at first you thought, “How horrible, gay men are people too and not all gays should be assumed to have HIV.” Uhm, hmmm, if you just finished medical school wouldn’t that be something you learn in school? How could you not know that bit of information? I’m just asking because that seems so odd that you, someone who has finished medical school, would not know. (Giving you the side eye) What medical school did you attend? (Lips pursed rolling eyes) Anyway, there is nothing that can come of your relationship with this man. He is bisexual. He will never be completely yours. He has a desire and attraction for men. He will step out and get his fill regardless of how strong he tells you that he is or wants to deny himself. He’s lying. Just like he lied to you when you asked him about his sexuality. He has no problem lying, and if he did it once he’ll do it again. You say that you’re wondering and are afraid that he will be improper with your son. Then, you need not be with this man. Besides, him being bisexual has nothing to do with pedophilia. He has an attraction for men, not little boys. Therefore, please educate yourself. And, again, if you’re thinking he’s going to do something with your son, and this will always be on your mind, then why even entertain continuing the relationship, let alone marriage? SMDH! Chile, I swear you’re not as educated as you think you are. Did that short yellow bus arrive yet? Next, you’re afraid that his openness about his sexuality will cause your family to disown you. Uhm, you think! Of course they will disown you. They will be giving you the side eye, and probably will knock some damn sense into your head. They will never accept him. That’s the truth of the matter. Can you get married if you’re Christian? How will that work? It won’t. Ma’am, he’s Jewish. If he’s traditional Jewish, you will have to convert. Otherwise, this will not work. But, let me wrap this up. You say that you care for him, minus his bisexuality. Well, boo boo, that is a part of him. You can’t ignore it and hope it goes away. It’s not. Therefore, by my deductions and calculations this relationship is not going to work, last, or endure. Why drag this out? Honey, get out and move on. Otherwise, you’re going to find yourself like his ex-girlfriend and discover your man is sleeping with your best friend’s boyfriend. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!     

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Dear Bossip: I’m Christian, He’s Jewish & I Want To Marry Him, But He’s Bisexual

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Beyoncé, Rihanna, Brandy And More Relax In Dope Designer Sweatshirts (Let’s All Get Comfy!)

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

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Beyoncé, Rihanna, Brandy And More Relax In Dope Designer Sweatshirts (Let’s All Get Comfy!)

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Dear Bossip: I Gave Him My Skype & Cell Number & He Hasn’t Reached Out & He Deleted His Facebook

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I recently reconnected with someone I grew up with and dated as a adolescent again via Facebook. It’s been 12 years since I seen him, but I spoke with him a few months ago, but never stayed in contact as I was going through a lot around that time and I wasn’t together to reach out to anybody. I reactivated my page again and befriended him. He asked me why he got deleted. I told him it was nothing personal as my whole page was erased. We talked here and there. Nothing major. More like talking about the old days growing up. He asked for my Skype info, which I gave. He has never Skyped me when he said he would. His response via Facebook chat when I made a joke about being stood up on Skype for the first time was that he went to the store and ran into his friend, and from there he and his friend went to the bar to watch the football game, but made it clear that it would never happen again. No biggie for me. I jokingly said you get a pass being that it is football season. Nothing to make an argument over. A week after that we spoke again via Facebook. We talked in-depth about the past and creating a future if it is meant to be. He said that he always liked me and wanted me to be that one for him. I expressed the same feeling–as I have always like him, thought about him and made efforts periodically to find him on any social network. I saw him as a great father, husband and just overall qualities and characteristics in a man for any women if not me. I did not think much of it before so I did not give him my number prior to the conversation, however he did not give me his! After the conversation I gave him my number and he said he would call me after he finishes up some projects he is working on. It has been 3 days now and he has not reached out to me of any sort. I am assuming he himself deactivated his page as it is no longer on Facebook at this time. I had to re-log in another old account to make sure if It was deactivated or if he blocked me or if he made his information invisible. I asked about his last relationship. I usually do not as I could care less. I figured whatever they did within that relationship, I too will find out, which is a red flag for me and which is not. His response was to make a long story short, he messed up. She had everything but his trust. He ran down the list of all her qualities, and I said is there any more you would like to make a list on..got damn!?!? To me that was a red flag that maybe he is not over his ex like he say he is and two, he said he does not trust people so if he does not trust people, then how could he possibly trust me? His response was be good to me and I’ll be good to you. Just be a good girl. I believe the ones that do not trust people are actually the ones that cannot be trusted as he said he started seeing other women who wanted him. I guess she was doing things too and that is when he started doing his dirt. He also said the sex was boring and basically there was nothing there anymore and no, she did not leave any foot prints on his heart. My question to you is, number 1) why would he take his page off Facebook without at least saying something to me to say hey, I am taking my page off but I will call you or text. 2) Is he still with his “ex” and she found out he and I were chatting and that is why he took his page down? 3) Why hasn’t he reached out to me if he is in fact single, and especially after the conversation we had? 4) Is he regretting what he expressed or maybe is nervous or embarrassed? 5) Being that I do not have his number yet, which I could get from his sister, but I am not because he personally did not give it to me, I do have his Skype info. Should I address it through whatever contact information he gave me, or should I leave it be like I have been because actions speak louder than words? And, it is a bit odd that someone does not want to reach out to somebody they want to reconnect with again and verbally pick back up on that conversation before he and I were schedules to see each other next weekend. Side note: I am seeing his sister for that weekend and he and I were going to meet up in between then. I am confused with a lot of scenarios going through my head as to why. Not so much as I want to make it work, but more so as to why men do what they do and react how they do — Researcher Dear Ms. Researcher, Ma’am, you’ve made two concerted efforts in making yourself available to this little boy who told you that he was interested in you, and that he wanted you to be that one for him. First, he stood you up for a Skype conversation, with some bull-ish story about going to the store and running into a friend, and then going to the bar to watch the football game. Plausible? Perhaps. Did it really occur? Hell naw. Honey, in my Maury voice, “That was a lie.” Second, after lengthy conversations via Facbook, he never once made an effort to give you his number. You made the first move and provided him with your number. Yes, that is a red flag. Then, three days pass and he still has not called. This same little boy who told you that he wanted you to be that one for him. This same little boy who told you how much he really liked you, and to the extent of being in a relationship with you. However, he hasn’t called, texted, or Skyped to inform you what’s going on, why he deactivated his page, or why he is being so elusive about making simple contact. (Sips tea and clears throat) Boo boo, he is still involved with this ex, or he is married, or he has another woman. Yes, he is lying about his relationship status, and he’s lying to you. Let bygones be bygones and be glad that he deleted himself out of your life. For the record, any man who spends the majority of his time communicating via social media without so much as giving you his number, or being available to Skype, is hiding something. In this day and age of cell phones, Skype, and other forms of communicating with a voice and having actual face time, there is no excuse why a man would be so evasive about his pursuits or interest, unless he is involved with someone else. Therefore, nothing can be traced back because he can always delete his social media information, and create a new account. With no cell phone records of incoming and outgoing calls, his woman, wife, girlfriend, or bed partner cannot find any evidence of him cheating. He’s a master of the game, and therefore, the fact that he disappeared out of your life, let him remain disappeared out of your life. But, let’s look at this statement you wrote, “He said he does not trust people so if he does not trust people, then how could he possibly trust me? His response was be good to me and I’ll be good to you. Just be a good girl.” You are absolutely right, he cannot and will not trust you if he doesn’t trust people. And, if he doesn’t trust people, then he is not to be trusted himself. Yes, when he revealed to you that he and his ex messed up, then he is not to be trusted. He’s revealed to you what he is capable of. He will cheat. He will lie. He will manipulate. He will deceive. Therefore, believe him. Second, he said be good to him and he’ll be good to you. Uhm, why not just be good regardless. These supposedly grown a** people playing tit for tat talkin’ ‘bout be good to me and I’ll be good to you. Well, this let’s me know that you are not a good person. If you’re involved with someone who is not good to you, hopefully you will get out of the relationship, and not feel the need to enact revenge because someone did something toward you. Chile, ain’t nobody got time for that. Third, he said, “Just be a good girl.” WOW! Really! Did you say to him, “Well, you just be a good boy.” The hell! You are not a girl. You are a grown a** woman. You’re not a little girl who needs to be scolded and told to behave and be good. Chile, miss me! Girl, let me answer your questions and be done: 1) Why would he take his page off Facebook without at least saying something to me to say hey, “I am taking my page off but I will call you or text.” – He is involved, or reconnected with his ex. He lied to you and led you to believe that he wanted a relationship. On the real, you were something to do while he was trying to get back with his ex, or he is communicating with other women and found someone to bide his time until he’s ready to bed you. 2) Is he still with his “ex” and she found out he and I were chatting and that is why he took his page down?  – Yes. Yes. Yes. He got busted and she made him delete his page. And, it wasn’t just because of you, he was caught chatting with several other women online. 3) Why hasn’t he reached out to me if he is in fact single, and especially after the conversation we had?  – He isn’t single. He lied. 4) Is he regretting what he expressed or maybe is nervous or embarrassed? – No. He got caught cheating and now he is trying to reconcile with his woman. 5) Being that I do not have his number yet, which I could get from his sister, but I am not because he personally did not give it to me, I do have his Skype info. Should I address it through whatever contact information he gave me, or should I leave it be like I have been because actions speak louder than words?  – No. Leave it and him alone. If he really wanted to connect with you, he would have made the first move and reached out to you. You’ve given him your Skype info and phone number. Don’t be thirsty to run after a man if he hasn’t reached out to you. He’s lying and hiding something. Move on. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click  HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!     

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Dear Bossip: I Gave Him My Skype & Cell Number & He Hasn’t Reached Out & He Deleted His Facebook

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