Dear Bossip , The question I have is how can I tell when my girlfriend is in denial? She has this guy that’s a friend, so she says. They have been friends for like 7 months. She says they have never done anything, but she tells me she goes to his house and sits in his room and waits on him to come out the shower and she says she watches him get dressed. I didn’t believe what I heard. And, she says nothing is going on. Just yesterday I found a condom wrapper on her bathroom floor. So, when I asked her about it she started laughing, talking about I put it there from the last time I was there. I know that wasn’t true. I don’t even use Trojan’s. So, the other morning she gets a bunch of clothes in the mail from UPS from her friend. I feel like I’m in competition with this guy. – Is She In Denial Dear Mr. Is She In Denial , (* *) Blank stare at you and this email. Uhm, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but homie, you’re the one in denial. She clearly has game and is running it on you and her “friend.” Now, come on, bruh, what woman is claiming a man as a friend that she’s only known for 7 months? (Come, let me help you off that yellow bus. You’re holding up traffic.) And, for real, for real, she is sitting in his house, in his room, and waits for him to come out of the shower and watches him get dressed. But, they haven’t done anything? LMBAO! You’re just as gullible as you want to be, aren’t you? Naw, they are not having sex, he is banging her, and they may not be doing it at his house, but they sure as hell are doing it at her house. You found a condom wrapper on the bathroom floor and it’s a brand you don’t use, and she starts laughing claiming you put it there. (In my Fred Sanford voice – “You big dummy!”) If you don’t use Trojan condoms and it’s on your girlfriend’s bathroom floor, then how do you think it got there? I’ll wait for your response. Now, if you found a condom wrapper (no condom inside) on your girlfriend’s bathroom floor, where do you think it came from if you don’t use Trojan’s, and where is the condom? Again, I’ll wait for your response. Okay, I’m back. Sorry it’s taking me some time to answer your letter but there was this yellow bus sitting in the middle of the road and this boy was refusing to get off. He kept banging his head on the seat mumbling something about his girlfriend and her “friend.” Now your woman has received a UPS package filled with clothes from her “friend.” I don’t know what she is lacing her vagina walls with, but whatever it is it obviously has you delusional, deranged, and diluted. Look, Mr. Is She In Denial , let me wrap this up. It’s obvious your girl got another man and is playing the both of you. Her game is so tight that she got you believing imaginary tales of her being friends with another man, and watching him get dressed as he gets out of the shower. (* *) Blank stare. Chile, miss me and that train ride. If she is friends with him, then ask her to have all three of you go hang out. Tell her to introduce you to her friend. As a matter of fact, confront them when you do go out about the clothes he sent her and why he sent them, if he is her friend. Maybe he works at Macy’s and got a great discount. LMBAO! And, if you got the condom wrapper put it on the table and ask him if he forgot it the last time he was at her house. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t with you people. Boy, you really are silly and whipped on that girl’s coochie. She must have put it on you something awful. I suggest you get out of the relationship, move on, and stop being in denial about her situation with her “friend.” He’s not her friend. Well, maybe a friend with benefits. She is getting something from the both of you, and you’re stupid enough to continue giving it to her. Homie, you’re being played! Get your underwear from out your a** and man up. Stop being hooked on coochie and get hooked on reality! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Dear Bossip , I always giggle and agree completely with you in all the relationship advice you dish out. I enjoy the “bar none, fades all” way telling folks where to go and how to get there. So, I need you to give me the bidness straight with no chaser to my “issue.” In 2004, I met the only man I ever wanted to marry and have children with. We were together for a total of 3 ½ years. We have a very spiritual connection, not religious, but very connected. We understand each other without words, we both want the same things in life and we just have so many big and small things in common. Well, during our relationship he was overseas a lot working. He would be gone between 3 – 6 months, while I stayed here in the States working and holding us down. I visited him in all the places he has worked. Okay the Obstacles: During his “vacation” time here at home he was a very busy boy! When I met him in 2004 he had 1 son. When we broke up he had a total of four kids: 1 son and 3 girls. He had 2 children with one of his “side chicks”. He does not have any children by me and I don’t have any children to this day. I was pregnant by him twice but I refuse to be a “baby momma” and we made the choice to terminate both. He also got into some legal trouble and put on probation. While on probation he went back overseas to work. We have gotten into it, physically, before, about 3 time total and it wasn’t all his fault either. I had to get away from him and that treatment before I started to doubt myself. Well, we have been apart for 4 years now. We have kept in touch a little. I would hear from him every 3 – 6 months while he was overseas. A year ago he decided to “come home” aka answer for the probation violation. He is currently in prison. He called me when he was first incarcerated and being the person I am I answered the phone, been there for him every step of the way and visited him when he was near. I have been single the entire 4 years since this relationship because it left me very emotionally unavailable and I just could not meet a guy who is worthy or that I have a connection with. I was enjoying the “love em & leave em” lifestyle until September. I met a guy (younger) who is just so cool. We have no problems, we communicate well, he is smart and worthy. I like this person but I’m not sure how much yet. And, my new boo works out-of-town so I’m apprehensive about another long-distance relationship. The question: My old boo will be released within the month or early next month. My new boo is wanting to take things up a notch. The old boo wants to get out and make things official, start a life and family together. We have good and bad history together but he is still the only man I ever wanted to marry and have children with. He will do anything for me and give me anything I can ask for. He has treated me like a queen in the past and honestly, I could not be the confident woman I am today if he did not gift me with the experiences I have been blessed to have. I have always said “I don’t go back, I only move forward,” so, what should I do? I don’t want to lose this new boo but I have lingering feeling for old boo. And I would hate to kick a recently released man while he is down. What to do? – Too Boo’d Up Dear Ms. Too Boo’d Up , Chile, you women will learn in this New Year that trying to raise up a man while he is down will only bring you down. In order to bring him up, you have to get down and dirty with him, and, unless you want to revisit the gutter, then I suggest you keep your red bottoms from the mud and keep it moving. Why go back? Girl, the man had three children with other women when you were together. So, according to my reasoning he’s not faithful. If he cheated then, he will cheat again. Next, he’s in and out of trouble, i.e., he is prison because of his probation violation of leaving the state and going overseas without permission. He obviously hasn’t learned his lesson because the first time he got into trouble he would have followed things to the “T” about his probation terms and did what he was supposed to do. Thus, because he can’t follow instructions, then this should let you know that he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. If he can’t adhere to his probation terms, then how the hell do you expect for him to deal with his parole terms. Yes, ma’am, when he is released from prison he is going to be on parole. He won’t be able to do anything without reporting to his parole officer. And, it’s going to be difficult for him to find a job. So, you want a man on parole, with no job, no income, and not contributing to your home IN YOUR HOME!?! And, talkin’ ‘bout he wants to start a family. Uhm, no ma’am. And, the only reason he is reaching out to you is because you are the one constant and stable thing in his life. He needs a place to live when he gets out on parole. He needs someone to vouch for him, and be responsible for him when he gets released. I bet he didn’t tell you that tidbit of information. Also, he needs to get a job, and pay restitution. He can’t do all of that with his baby momma’s because they are not going to put up with him. As soon as he gets out he has to pay child support, IMMEDIATELY! Honey, you’re the independent, care-free, and probably least drama free of his other options. I’m telling you to not be his option. Stop being his scapegoat. He got himself into this situation, so let him be man enough to get himself out of it and deal with the consequences he created. And, chile, puhlease. Stop answering his calls and running up your phone bill, and putting money on his books. I know you are sending money orders for his books and sending love letters. I ain’t no fool, and neither should you. Girl, move on, and as you’ve stated, “I don’t go back, I only move forward.” Please move forward. Don’t let your torrid and fractured past create a torrid and fractured future. He is not worth the investment. He is not worth your time or energy. He proved that when you were together previously. Nothing is going to change. It’s just prison talk he is filling your head with. Girl, don’t fall for it. It’s prison psychology 101. All of a sudden he wants to get his life together, and be the man you want him to be, but as soon as he gets his freedom, he running like a southern slave seeking freedom in the north. “Give him free!” LOL! Now, as far as the new boo, you have to give him a chance, and don’t make him suffer because of what your old boo has done. The new boo sounds like a good man, but if you keep comparing him to your old boo, then it is not going to work. So, completely let go of your old boo. In order to move forward you have to let go of the old. It’s 2013, a New Year, and time to release old habits, old and past boyfriends, and old and past dramas. Write him a letter and let him know that you release him. You’re done. It’s over, and you’re happy and starting life anew. It’s time for him to let you go, and for him to get his life together. You’re no longer his fall back option. You’re no longer his safety net. You’re no longer his doormat. You’ve got a new attitude and new man. So, start treating your new man with the respect, and honesty he deserves. He makes you happy, he makes you smile, and he treats you like a real woman. Girl, open your eyes and recognize the winner you have, and leave the loser where he is. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Dear Bossip , I live in Nashville TN and I have a question for you. The answer may be what I already know but I need some help. I met a man on a dating website. He pursued me pretty hard and then eventually we started texting off the site, DAY and NIGHT. He was very receptive to me, asking me what I was looking for (we agreed we wanted to find a companion not necessarily marriage overnight or anything, but a commitment) and he was very talkative and sweet and funny. He even said he thought he was having some feelings for me even though we hadn’t yet met. We had exchanged pictures over the course of the 2 weeks. Well, after 2 weeks of this texting and calling each other we met. He revealed to me that he has only been in town for 5 months and he is working on securing a good job and a secure living situation. None of which I care about. I am not a gold digger at all. I care more that he is a good person. During the date he was GREAT, talkative, affectionate, polite, but after a good night we went back to my place, grabbed some beer and made a night of it (probably my 1st mistake). Well, we ended up being intimate and I feel like that was mistake # 2. We went to sleep around 4 am and woke up around 11 am, and I took him home. Now my question is: Are my chances of making this serious, DOOMED? I made it clear that I wasn’t going to be intimate, but I gave in after his very tempting advances. We have a lot in common and the conversation is great, but now that we met he isn’t sending any texts messages like he did up until we met. We had such a good time! This was Saturday and now its Monday, no word yet from him. Should I chuck it up as a loss and move on or am I judging it and him too soon? Will he call me on day 3? If not, what do I do: send him a text asking if he is done? I am lost. I need some help on what I need to do now. – Confused in Nashville Dear Ms. Confused in Nashville , Chile, I can’t believe we are starting the New Year off with this mess. SMDH! The hell! You folks and this online dating will learn one way or the other. Meeting folks online, then texting, calling, and sexting, which leads to sexing on the first night. Then, he disappears and you’re upset and wondering what happened and why he disappeared. Why is he not texting and calling like he used to. What happened to all the promises he made, and all the gooshy talk we did about being in a relationship and finding that special someone. It’s all a damn lie! Here’s the problem: You take a huge risk and chance when you meet an unknown person online. The chances are 1.) They are liar. 2.) They are not who they say they are. 3.) They lack social graces and are not good in public spaces. 4.) They are just out for a quick “hit it and quit it.” Ma’am, it’s only been two days since you haven’t heard from him. Slow your damn roll and pump your brakes. But, I get it. You’re having buyer’s remorse. You regret sleeping with him, and now that he hasn’t hit you up in two days you’re getting the suspicion that he is not going to call. LMBAO! Well, you’ll learn the next time won’t you. If you say you’re not going to be intimate, then don’t be intimate. If you want a man to call you the next day, then don’t sleep with him on the first night. When he revealed to you on your first date that he had just moved to your city within the past 5 months and had no job, and was trying to secure a living situation, then your red flags should have gone up. I don’t care if you’re not a gold digger. But, a man with no job and no permanent resident does not deserve any permanent p***y. The hell you giving up the goods to a bum for? That’s what he is. Would you go out in the streets and pick up a homeless man and take him home? Would you go on a date with a man you met on the street and he had no job or residence? Hell no! You would walk right past him. So, I don’t understand why you would lay down with a man you met on the internet, revealed to you that he has no job or permanent residence, then bought you a beer and you took him to your house and had sex with him, and then had to drop him off the next morning! You tricks have got the game all the way f****d up! Yes, you do deserve a no return call. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship with any real man who has his own –ish, and is about his business. You belong with the bums and tricks who ain’t about nothing because you ain’t about nothing. If your minimum requirement is that a man is good to you, yet, he doesn’t have a job or residence, then find yourself a trailer and park your car and live your life, boo! Next, you said to him that you would not be intimate on your first date, yet, you spread your legs wide and let him climb on top of you. And, you over there talkin’ ‘bout, “I gave in to his very tempting advances.” Girl, what advances? A can of beer and him saying, “You look pretty gal! Come over here and give me some sugar!” LMBAO! Then, you say that you have a lot in common and great conversation. What do you have in common? He doesn’t have a permanent home. He doesn’t have a job. Do you have a permanent residence? Do you have a job? He’s broke. You have money. You have car. He doesn’t. Again, what do you have in common? And, what great conversation? What did he say to blow your mind? Was he talking about politics, spirituality, philosophy, the state of world, bringing world peace, discussing poverty and hunger? Chile, that man was telling you what you wanted to hear. He knew you are weak, vulnerable, and desperate. He knew he could play on your low self-esteem, and that you hadn’t had any good d**k in a while, and he knew the right words to say to get what he wanted from you in two weeks. So, let’s wrap this up so others can get 2013 right and proper. He is not going to call or text, expect when he wants to hook up again. It will be in a few weeks. He’s going to have an excuse that he was busy looking for a job, or he was in the process of moving. Some lame excuse, but he will get horny again and hit you. Trust me. By the way, he is not into you. He is not feeling you, or being in a relationship. Especially not with a chick he met online, and he smashed on the first night. He thinks that’s how you get down. Even if you don’t, the fact that he smashed on the first night, he thinks you’re easy. He doesn’t want you for long-term relationship. You’re a jump-off. With that, I want you to stop meeting men off dating websites, chat lines, Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media outlet. It will not end well. If you do, then SKYPE with these men. It’s free. It’s doesn’t cost a thing. SKYPE with someone and you get to see them in real time before you meet. And, have some real and serious conversations. Ask about his employment. Ask for pay stubs from a job. Ask about his residence. Ask for a copy of his lease. Ask if he has a car. Ask to see the registration for the car in his name. Ask if he’s married. Does he have any children. How many. Is in presently in a relationship. Does he have many girlfriends. What is his take on monogamy. Hell, when was the last time he was checked for STDs, or had an HIV test. And, you want to see the results. In 2013 it’s time to do this right and do it your way. Don’t let anyone dictate to you how the relationship is going to go. You have a say in it. You’re just as much a part of what is going to happen as the other person. Have some standards and dignity about yourself. Have some respect. Have some integrity. And, please up your standards beyond those basic minimums. You looking real cheap and easy right about now. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
It’s just a snippet, but it sounds like another banger! New Music From Kanye West “White Dress” We told y’all this was coming back in August , and now we have a minute-long snippet of Kanye’s ode to his past with Amber Rose , and his future with Kim Kardashian . Take a listen below, hate it or love it???
Dear Bossip , Here is my problem. I was in an incredible relationship for 6 months that went from 0 to 100 quite fast! But, it wasn’t a bad thing. We both were on the same page. He told his family that he found the woman he wanted to marry and I felt the same way. Well, the problem began due to the lack of communication and the differences in our love language. My love language is gift-giving, but the way I receive love is words of affirmation. He was great at doing this. Here comes the problem. Out of nowhere we started to grow apart around the fifth month. He did not express it to me until after we broke up, which was nearly 3 months ago. He felt that I was not showing him the affection he wanted or deserved. He felt under-appreciated and not loved. I was totally blown out of the water because I felt that it could not have been further from the truth. Like, seriously, I love this man still wholeheartedly and unconditionally and will give my all to prove it. Fast forward to recently. Before we broke up we planned a trip to Jamaica to go to our friend’s wedding. He said we can handle this as adults. The chemistry was undeniable and it could not be hidden on the trip. Needless to say, we just clicked again, naturally, as if nothing happened. But, I could tell that he felt guilty about the chemistry and instant connection (Not that he stopped things from happening). So, I asked if he was seeing someone back home, and his response was, “Maybe.” What the heck does that mean? He said he doesn’t know what to call it. Turns out it’s a chick that he works with that has been eyeing since we been together, and she’d been constantly claiming that she can make him happier. Well, I guess she finally got her opportunity. After a phenomenal week, and amazing chemistry, the harsh reality hit me when she picked him up from the airport and jumped into his arms. He was hesitant I assume because I was standing there, but I can see she was happy to show me that she got her chance. My question is: Could she be the rebound chick or could this be more? He openly admitted to missing me and us in Jamaica, but said I hurt him by not showing him the affection he wanted. I told him then why couldn’t we just communicate these things and work on a solution instead of letting the love potentially die? He said he didn’t know. The feelings I felt in Jamaica were not fake. I know love still lives there, but his ego is too big and I believe he is afraid of getting hurt again. How do I right my wrongs? I do not want to give up on such a good man! I love him too much. I did a private boudoir photo shoot and the photographer made him a book and sent it to him. I asked for it back after the trip. He refused and said, “I love it,” and that I made it for him. I said, but I just sent it to you after we were broken up and now you have a new woman. I believe he knows he stills loves me, but don’t’ know if he wants to take the risk. Love is worth all the risks right? You can’t love fully unless you are willing to let go completely. Do you think I am wasting my time or do you think I still have a chance? I asked him was he happy and he said yes. He said she shows affection. I said what about the other eighty percent, love has a ebb and flow. It’s not always good, but it ain’t always bad either. What do I do? I want my man back before it’s too late! I l feel like she had the inside track and used it to her advantage. He was vulnerable and she helped him through it. I’m not blaming her but I want her gone and him back home! Help me! Why are men so full of pride? How do I fix my relationship? – Want Him Back Dear Ms. Want Him Back , Sigh!!! Deep sigh!!! Real deep sigh!!!! Let me do some whoo-sa’s and calm my spirit. Honey, please, for the sake of yourself, and for all of us, stop begging this man to take you back. It’s over. It’s done. He’s moved on. And, I’m for real when I say this, but do you all read your letters back to yourselves, out loud, before you send them in? You answer your own letters! In the very first paragraph you said, “Well, the problem began due to the lack of communication and the differences in our love language. My love language is gift-giving, but the way I receive love is words of affirmation. He was great at doing this.” If he broke up with you because he said you did not show him affection, and he felt under-appreciated and unloved. And, if the way you demonstrate love is through gift giving, and your man wants and needs affection, and he wants to feel appreciated, and he wants to feel loved, then boo boo, you can’t buy those things. Those are emotions and feelings that are done through physical and verbal actions. You can’t buy love! You can’t buy someone! Money and gifts does not equate love. So, why were you floored and shocked that he ended it? This is not rocket science. Your relationship is over because, as you stated, there was a difference in your love language. He wanted one thing, and you wanted another. You got what you wanted. You admitted that when you said that he was great at affirming his love to you. Yet, you didn’t do your part. You didn’t express your love to him the way he wanted. Now, he is with a woman that is doing what you should have been doing from the beginning. He is with another woman who ran and jumped into his arms when he returned from his trip to Jamaica with you. You notice that her act of affection, and attention when he returned, was the very thing he was seeking from you all along. So, let’s answer your other questions: How do you fix your relationship? Ma’am, you don’t have a relationship. The hell! You are truly delusional. He broke up with you. You are no longer together. He is with another woman. There is nothing to fix. Jesus take the wheel! Do I think she is the rebound chick or something more? Who knows, but for right now she is giving him the affection and attention he is seeking. She’s making him happy, and he obviously isn’t interested in dumping her to get back with you. So, what do you think? How do you right the wrongs? Ma’am, you learn from them. You take the lessons, learn from them, and make sure to do better the next time so that you don’t repeat them. Is love worth all the risks? Yes, love is. But, he is not in love with you. You’re in love with him, and in order for it to be reciprocal, and worth the risk, then two people have to be willing to fight for it. He’s moved on. He’s decided that he is better off without you. You’re the one chasing him. You’re the one running after him. He isn’t reaching out to you, or even said to you that he is willing to give it another try. He’s not interested. Do I think you are wasting your time, or if you have a chance? Well, as a betting man, I think you are wasting your time. Your relationship lasted six months, and in the fifth month things began to unravel. It was in the fifth month that you should have sat with your man, talked with him, and made the adjustments so that you can move forward. The two of you should have worked together to get on the same page, and discuss the challenges of the relationship. But, here is my thing: The fact that he is already with the other woman, his co-worker, this says a whole lot. They obviously had been eyeing one another prior to him dating you. I don’t believe that once you started dating that she all of a sudden showed up. This has been an ongoing thing between them. And, yes, she got what she wanted because he was going back to her and talking about his relationship with you. Thus, she listened to what he was complaining about in you, and she became the woman he wanted you to be. (That bish is fierce!) And, that little get together while you were in Jamaica was just that, a little get together. He had sex with you, rekindled with some familiar coochie, and you do notice that when you got back home he went home with her. I’m sure that there were some feelings while you were on an exotic island, and at a wedding so love was in the air, it’s romantic, beautiful, and everything a Hallmark card is made of, but reality set in when it was time to go home. He was reminded of all the reasons of why he broke up with you, and what he had waiting for him when he returned home. Yes, he may have been vulnerable and he really wanted things to work with you, but you didn’t give him what he needed or what he wanted. And, he didn’t think you were, or that you are worth the investment. Girl, please learn from this experience. It’s time to heal your heart, and focus all that energy on yourself instead of trying to get him back. Use that energy to become a better you. Use that energy to love yourself. Don’t chase someone who doesn’t want to be with you, and they are not chasing you in return. Don’t make someone a priority when you are an option for them. Don’t give your all if they are not giving you their all. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Dear Bossip , I’m a 32-year old woman working in corporate America and I’m doing really well for myself. Ok, I met this guy (let’s call him ‘Andy’) in 2008 through a dating website and we hit it off really well, until I found out through a mutual friend (talk about six degrees of separation), that he was “unhappily” married. I broke it off immediately, despite the fact he said that he was separated and living in another state from his wife. (Thank GOD I didn’t sleep with him). My gut told me to break it off and I did. He tried calling me, sending me flowers, and showing up at my job unannounced for almost 3 months until he gave up. I moved on with my life and focused on myself. I left the dating websites alone after I kept having one bad date after another. In late 2010, I leave my company for another company who’s offering me a much better position, better hours, and a very much better salary. But, there’s one problem: I’m going to be Andy’s manager (Can you say awkward?). He’s now seeing this woman at our company who works in a different department. Every time he gets a chance he talks about her to other people around me. I’m not going to lie, it kind of hurt because I do have feelings for him but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing. About 9 months later I start to receive flowers, candy, and jewelry from a secret admirer and I’m sure it’s him because he’s the only person who knows my favorite kind of jewelry and flowers. Plus, the flowers came from the same company he used back in 2008. He finally admits it’s him and I lied to him and said I had no feelings for him, plus he’s seeing someone else and we work together, so it’s not going to work. I told him if he brings it up again I’ll be forced to let HR know. Let’s just say he stopped everything all together. About another 6 months later he quits his job and as soon as he quits his job he tries to pursue me yet again. Foolishly, I’ve been accepting his phone calls and text messages. He’s no longer seeing the other woman at my job and admitted to her that he has feelings for me. He also tells me his divorce became final in the middle of 2009, but he’s since had a son by another women (let’s call her ‘Robin’) that he’s not with. We start seeing each other again and I’m having the time of my life. He takes me everywhere. He’s very attentive and he never once pressured me for sex. He introduced me to everyone in his family, including his adorable son who I absolutely love. I feel he’s the man of my dreams. I decided to take the relationship to another level by getting physical with him and I’m not going to lie, the sex is absolutely phenomenal. Just as soon as our relationship is doing well I get a call from Robin and she tells me she’s 8 months pregnant with his child. I’m upset, but at this point in time we’ve only been seeing each other for 7 months, so it’s not like he’s cheated on me (at least not that I know of). I confronted Andy about it and he admitted to me that he knew all along she was pregnant, but was too scared to tell me in the beginning because he knew I wouldn’t want to be with him. Robin admitted that their relationship is non-existence and that Andy has never slept with her during my relationship with him. She only called me because Andy was taking too long to tell me he was having another baby. I’ve met Robin 5 times, and all 5 times we have been very cordial even though she’s admitted to me she still has feelings for Andy. Andy has since proposed to me, but I didn’t give him an answer because I’m not sure if he proposed to me because he thinks I’m going to leave him. I think it’s way too soon for marriage considering we’ve only been dating for almost 8 months. He’s assured me he has no feelings for Robin and their relationship was only a physical one. I’m not sure if I should stay with him because this is not the first time he’s omitted information of this magnitude from me. I know he loves me and I love him too. My question is should I stay with him or leave well enough alone? – Confused And In Love Dear Ms. Confused And In Love , Is there a man shortage? Really? Is there? Ladies, ladies, ladies – This is what happens when you have sex with a stalker with that bomb penis! He lays it on you and you lose all sense of sensibility because the “phenomenal sex” convolutes your judgment and you misconstrue love with sex. Ma’am, this man has been stalking you since day one when you initially broke it off four years ago. Didn’t you say that after you broke it off with him, because he lied about his relationship with his WIFE, that he started calling you non-stop, sending flowers, and showing up at your job for three months? Ma’am, that is a stalker. He’s obsessive. And, it happened yet once again when you started working with him and you started receiving these mysterious gifts in the workplace, BY THE SAME MAN you broke it off with before. STALKER! But, hold up. When you confront him about it, and you warn him about it he stops. Then, he quits, and starts the behavior, yet, again. And, you find this –ish flattering? You think this is cute? You truly are touched in the head. Why don’t you see what’s obvious and blatant? Why are you letting his nut juice damage the little brain cells you have left? Wait, a minute, let me back the hell up a bit and address these freaking lies. Let’s go ahead and call a spade a spade. He is a liar and he’s been lying to you for the past four years. 1.) Lie number one – When you initially met, on a dating website, he lied about being married. He told you he was separated and that his wife lived in another state. You discover the truth and end it. 2.) Lie number two – You work together and you start receiving mysterious gifts. You confront him, and he finally admits it’s him. 3.) Lie number three – His baby momma, Robin, confronts you and tells you that she is pregnant with his second child. You confront him, and he admits he’s known all along but didn’t tell you because he felt you would leave. And, you’ve been with him for seven months. So, in those seven months he never once thought to tell you the truth? He never once felt it was important to let you know that he was expecting a second child while laying up in you raw? Yeah, you’re having unprotected sex with him because you’re not the brightest in the bunch. So, now you’re asking me if you should proceed further with him because, in your own words you stated, “This is not the first time he’s omitted information of this magnitude from me.” So, let me ask you this, SMDH. In knowing he’s omitted very important, and key information, do you feel that you should proceed in a long term relationship with him? If he has a propensity to lie, deceive, manipulate, and omit information from you, and he’s done this over the four years of you knowing him, then what makes you think he is going to change now? Mind you, that two of those incidents involved two different women. Here’s what I want you to do: Ask to see his divorce papers from his wife. Ask Robin if he ever proposed to her, or if he at one time ever promised her that he would marry her. Then, ask yourself, “Why am I dating this man whom initially in my heart of hearts knew that he was not to be trusted? Why am I trusting him when he’s lied not once but several times? Why am I claiming love with a man who has lied to me over and over again? Why am I dating a stalker who has shown the potential to be obsessive? What is it about me that my self-esteem is so low that I’ve allowed myself to be with a man who is divorced, and is expecting a second child with a woman he claims there is nothing between them other than sex?” You claim you’re a professional career woman, but, yet your common sense clearly is something to be desired. You would actually consider being with a man who has continuously shown you who he is, and you are willing to overlook everything and dive in p***y first because he is blowing your back out? I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, d**k is addictive. It will make you lose your mind and do some asinine –ish just like that which you are doing. My grandmother told me as a young boy, “Always follow your first mind.” And, it is something I live by, and has never failed me. So, I’m passing it along to you. If your first mind was to end it with him and eliminate him from your life, then FOLLOW YOUR FIRST MIND. There is a reason your instincts, your heart, and your intuition told you to end it and leave him alone. Follow them. Uphold yourself in a respectable and dignified manner. You’re better than this, and him. Why would you knowing put yourself in a situation where Robin has told you that she still has feelings for him, she’s carrying his second child, and she and those children will forever be in his life, and if you’re with him, then they will be in yours too? You don’t have time for baby momma drama. It can get messy, ugly, and stressful. Leave. Get out now. Save yourself, your sanity, and your emotional well-being. And, why would you knowingly be with a man who cannot be honest with you? This is indicative of what you should expect with him moving forward. Nothing is going to change. Trust me. He is not going to change. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Seems Todd Akin’s comment had a huge impact on women brave enough to come out and tell their stories. Women everywhere, one after the other, have been taking their tragedies to the media in a heroic effort. Shauna R. Prewitt wrote about her experience and how, years later, she’s raising her daughter who was the product of a viscous act so many of us struggle to tell. While a student in my final year of college, at age 21, I was raped. I have dissected that moment — the horrifying moment that I became a “victim” — from every possible angle. I have poked and prodded, examined and re-examined. Regrettably, I have even suspected myself in a desperate, ultimately futile attempt to understand how I became a victim….People who did not even know me were quick to comment or speculate on my rape. What were you wearing? Did you scream loudly? Did this occur in public? Eight years after my rape, I find myself on trial against ignorance again. Rep. Todd Akin’s recent comments that “legitimate rape” rarely results in pregnancy not only flout scientific fact but, for me, cut deeper. Akin has de-legitimized my rape. You see, nine months after my rape, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. You could say she was conceived in rape; she was. But she is also so much more than her beginnings. I blissfully believed that after I finally had decided to give birth to and to raise my daughter, life would be all roses and endless days at the playground. I was wrong again. It would not be long before I would learn firsthand that in the vast majority of states — 31 — men who father through rape are able to assert the same custody and visitation rights to their children that other fathers enjoy . When no law prohibits a rapist from exercising these rights, a woman may feel forced to bargain away her legal rights to a criminal trial in exchange for the rapist dropping the bid to have access to her child. For the sake of her child, the woman will sacrifice her need to see her once immensely powerful perpetrator humbled by the court. I know it because I lived it. I went to law school to learn how to stop it. Having fought this injustice for the past several years, I have come to believe that ignorance is to blame for this legal absence. Opponents argue no woman would ever choose to raise the child she conceived through rape. The only two studies to analyze the choices made by pregnant raped women indicate otherwise — at least 30% of women who conceive by rape make this choice. Others argue that no rapist would ever seek parental rights. Not only does my experience and that of others I know prove otherwise, but it is not surprising that a man who cruelly degrades a woman would also seek to torture her in an even more agonizing way, by seeking access to her child. Today, it seems we may face a new and unbelievable challenge: convincing legislators that women can conceive when they are raped. Our heart goes out to every Woman out there who’s ever felt that indescribable fear and struggles because she was violated. Make sure you Vote this year so we can keep Congress and Fat Cat Politicos out of our Crocthes! Source Images via Shutterstock
Dear Bossip , Let me begin by saying that I absolutely love you! I get a thrill from reading your no-nonsense advice! You are truly my best friend in my head! Anyway, I have been dating this guy for nearly 7 years. He’s funny, smart, and an all around good guy. I have a 10-year old daughter from a previous relationship. After my child’s father and I decided that we couldn’t work as a couple, he basically broke up with the both of us even though he lives less than 5 minutes away! I moved on and started dating a guy I knew from high school 2 years after we broke up. He has been extremely active in my daughter’s life. He attends her dance recitals, honors programs, and every one of her softball games. He does the father/daughter Girl Scout outings. He even took the time to teach her how to shoot a basketball and the game of softball that she absolutely loves. They have an awesome relationship. We discussed marriage and agreed that we needed to live together first. We’ve been living together for the past 5 years. He has a great job and my family loves him. His family loves me as well. Our sex life was amazing in the beginning. Now, we have sex maybe twice a month which is fine with me because we’re both so busy. And trust, the sex is still the bomb just not as frequent! I’m the Youth Director at my church so that keeps me quite busy and he does shift work. I also have a great job that I’ve had for the last 14 years. Additionally, I have a Master’s Degree in Public Administration. My boyfriend hasn’t quite completed his undergraduate degree yet. During his junior year of college, his mother suddenly passed away. This caused him to flunk out of school. Several years later, he decided to get back in school and finish his degree but this turned out to be disastrous for him because so many of his credits were no good. He basically had to start all over. So, he’s taken a few classes here and there but he has yet to finish. Over the last couple of years I have been pushing the issue of marriage. I am 32 and he’s 33. We have both expressed on numerous occasions how committed we are to each other. The problem is according to him it’s just not time yet. He wants to do things in his time. I didn’t push the issue of marriage prior to the last 2 or 3 years because so many of our “married” friends were either sneaking and cheating, going through divorces, separated, or married for all the wrong reasons. I was afraid that once we tied the knot, everything would change. Both of our grandmothers are adamant about us getting married right away. They often say, “It’s better to marry than to burn.” I believe that whole heartedly now but he doesn’t. That brings up another issue. He does not go to church. NEVER! NOT EVER! Granted, he will roll over on a Sunday morning and catch T. D. Jakes or some other well-known minister on television. I’ve always wanted to attend worship services together as a family. I do realize that there are some things that we have to sacrifice in relationships. I do not doubt his love for Christ! Not one bit! He believes in God, this I am certain of, but is it wrong for me to want my man in somebody’s church on Sunday mornings when he’s not working? Is this something that I have to just accept because we are truly in love, and besides me wanting to get married right now and wanting us to attend church as a family, every other aspect of our relationship is great! We split every household bill 50/50. We also rotate cooking/buying dinner, purchasing household supplies, gassing up both vehicles, getting my daughter to all of her different activities, laundry, chores, etc. (Yes, I do take out the garbage). Is this one of those stereotypical cases of buying the cow when the milk is free? Or is there some deep rooted issue that I am missing? There are times when I feel like the losses he’s suffered (losing his Mom and not being able to finish school) greatly affect his decision on marriage. FYI, him not finishing school is not because of financial reasons. More so because of his unwillingness to accept the fact that he has to start all over and stick with it! I’ve asked him this numerous of times but the answer is always the same, “I love you and we will get married when the time is right.” My question is when will the time be right? I would like to have at least 2 more kids before I’m 40. Should I hold out for the proposal or cut my losses and start over from scratch even if it means losing my best friend and the only REAL father figure my daughter knows?!?! – MS. PUT A RING ON IT! Dear Ms. Put A Ring On It , Welp! You got what you wanted so why are you complaining. You both agreed to live together before you got married, and therein folks lies the problem. This playing house and acting like a family is some bull-ish! Honey, that man wanted to get a test drive on you and the relationship, yet, got comfortable, and things are working out so why interrupt the groove? He’s getting the benefits of a woman at home, in-house p***y, being a so-called family, splitting the bills, yet, he doesn’t commit to you and marry you. Hmmmmm, you said it best, why buy the cow when the milk is free. But, I want to point out that you answered your entire letter with this statement: “There are times when I feel like the losses he’s suffered (losing his Mom and not being able to finish school) greatly affect his decision on marriage. FYI, him not finishing school is not because of financial reasons. More so because of his unwillingness to accept the fact that he has to start all over and stick with it!” And, there you have it! He will not commit to anything and stick with it, thus he won’t marry you because it will require a commitment and him sticking with something and seeing it through. I don’t understand why you would you agree to move in and test drive a relationship? You don’t need to live together to know if you want to get married. Chile, that man just wanted some place to rest his head and someone to split the bills with because his little shift job is not allowing him the opportunity to live the life he really wants to live without being financially strapped each month. It doesn’t take five years to know if you want to marry someone and it doesn’t take five years to figure out if this is the right time. Uhm, boo boo, take him to the calendar and ask him to point out “The right time.” I dare him to find it on the calendar. Hell, you sit your a** over there waiting on “The right time,” all you want. It doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as “The right time.” Folks always want to use that as an excuse for why they don’t want to do something. They will hold off on doing things and making things happen in their life because, “It’s not the right time.” That is nothing but a code word for procrastination. Get off you’re a** and do something! Then, on top of it, you’re the Youth Director at your church, and your man is sitting his behind in the house watching televangelists on TV. Bedside Baptist is not a church. How the hell are you able to get up and go to church, but he is unable to make it out of bed? No ma’am. As my grandmother would tell me and my grandfather, “You will not lay up in this house on Sunday morning. You’re getting up and going to church.” But, you don’t say anything because you don’t want to start an argument, or make him uncomfortable. Yet, you will make your own self uncomfortable for the sake of him. You will make yourself angry and mad, and get upset with yourself because you didn’t say anything to him. Get a freaking back bone, lady! And, ma’am, you’re the Youth Director at your church! You know better. You know that being unequally yoked in your relationship will not work. He is not rooted in the word. So, how could he lead a household? He’s not even getting fed. Hell, he doesn’t even understand his role as a man, so he definitely won’t understand his role as husband. I’m confused why are you putting up with this and writing in. What is the problem??? UGH! I swear you women with all your education, independence, and getting your –ish together will talk a lot of game of what you won’t put up with, but refuse to back it up and have some self-esteem and self-worth. I’m going to point something out and you let me know what you see: You have a Master’s degree. He hasn’t completed his undergraduate degree. He’s dropped out, and won’t go back. You’ve been on your job for 14 years. He works as a shift person, meaning, he works various shifts and his schedule changes. You volunteer with your church. He doesn’t volunteer. You split the bills and rotate on dining out, and other activities. You have sex twice a month because you say you’re both busy. Uhm, sweetie, what is he busy doing? I’ll wait why you look over these assessments. He has several issues, and he needs professional counseling. He’s dealing with abandonment issues after the loss of his mother. He can’t commit to anything, i.e. he stopped going to school and hasn’t gone back. You even said so in your letter that he doesn’t finish what he starts. So, again, if he won’t commit to school, and he won’t commit to anything, including you, then why are you waiting on him to put a ring on it? He needs therapy to deal with his issues. He has a lot of unresolved things in his life. And, you are included in it! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Dear Bossip , I need help. I met this guy on a dating site and I have fallen in love with him. I really don’t believe he feels the same way. I spend days at a time at his house cooking and cleaning up his apartment. He tells me he misses me, but I really think he misses me cooking and cleaning for him because his house is always a hot mess when I come back. And to make matters worst I recently went back on the dating site only to find he is still active on it. Also, he told me he wish he could date his female best friend. I’m at a cross roads with him. He frequently tells me he does not have a girl friend, which includes me, yet, he encourages me to spend time with his mother. I’m at the point of just walking away. – Feeling Like A Housemaid Dear Ms. Feeling Like A Housemaid , Ma’am…ma’am…. Could you lean into the computer screen. Closer. Closer. Closer. WHOMP! (That’s me knocking you upside your damn head!) I don’t understand some of you women sometimes. Like, really, where do you live? Have your brains suffered that much damage from wearing them too tight weaves that you can’t think or comprehend any longer? Have men really f’d up your sense of judgment? Is the d**k that potent that you forget who you are? If every time you go to this man’s home, and you are cleaning his apartment, and cooking for him, yet, he hasn’t made you his woman, or even acknowledges you as his girlfriend, then, yes, dumbass, you are a housemaid. You are a convenient piece of ass with nothing else to offer. The sad part is that you are a housemaid who is not even being compensated for your time, or work. But, I bet any amount of money that you are that one trick he knows he can call on whenever he needs something. I bet you pay some of his bills, too, don’t you? I bet you take your EBT card and hit up Piggly Wiggly and stock up on groceries to take to his home to fill up his fridge and cabinets. SMDH! You are truly simple. Simple. Simple. Simple. This man has said to you that he wished he could date his female best friend. He didn’t say he could or would date you. He didn’t say he could or would make you his woman. Yet, he has no problem with you coming to his home and cleaning and cooking for him. He has no problem banging your back out on the fresh linens you washed and put on his bed. And, what’s so sad about you is that you wait on his calls with baited breath because you have no life, no self-esteem, and no sense of worth. He calls you up casually and says he “misses” you and wants you to come over and take care of him. (Cocks head to the side). Yes, Ms. Get-A-Freaking-Clue, you’re right with your observation that when he says he misses you it’s because he only misses you cleaning his apartment and cooking for him. WOW! (Talking in baby talk to you – Did you come up with that conclusion all by yourself? You are a good girl. A real good girl. How do you think you should be rewarded?) But, here’s another clue – As he’s sitting in his dirty ass apartment, and his other woman, or women, are coming through, he doesn’t want to appear like he’s a dirty ass bum, so he calls you (the dumb chick who jets over to his crib like the Speedy Gonzales you are), and you provide your dutiful services of housemaid washing the dirty sex stained sheets he’s been screwing his other women on. Simple. Simple. Simple. Let’s move forward. When a man tells you that he is interested in another woman, i.e., best friend, baby momma, or some random chick he’s been screwing for a minute, then, uhm, sweetie, it’s time to start back stepping out his house and out of his life. His affection, heart, and attention are focused on whom? I’ll give you a clue – NOT YOU! He doesn’t see you. He has no vision for you. And, if you went back on the dating site where you met him, and he is still active on the site, then, in all your wisdom, in all your knowing, and in all your common sense, do you think he will ever, ever, ever make you his woman or settle down with you? (Starts filing my nails. I’ll wait while you ponder this.) Yet, you are up in his house, in his face for days at a time, cleaning his apartment, washing his clothes, scrubbing the floors, and have pots of food cooking on all eyes on the stove, and with something baking in the oven. And, on top of that, he frequently tells you that he does not have a girlfriend. When he is piping you down does he make you wear your maid outfit, too? Ms. Honey, that man is not, never, ever going to make you his woman. You’re the help. And, what do we say about the help – We don’t date the help, sweetie. Girl, please stop being a chamber maid for this man. You are not his maid, housewife, woman, girlfriend, momma, or grand momma. Tell that trifling bum to kick rocks and eat dirt. He’s a grown ass man calling you to clean up his house and cook for him, and your happy d**k thirsty dumbass is doing it for free? Please make it stop baby Jesus! The next time he calls you tell him that you have an invoice for him for your cleaning and cooking services. Let him know that you need payment in full. Not 30 days, not next week, and not tomorrow. But, today! It should tally up to about a couple of thousands of dollars. And, I’m being generous. Then, I want you to walk away. With all your courage, with all your might, and with all your strength, I want you to free yourself and stop allowing yourself to be used, and taken advantage of by this shiftless, tired, and lazy ass bum. Reclaim your life, your sanity, and your EBT card. Hold it up and yell from the mountaintops, “It’s my card and I own it now!” Then, I want you to claim victory and freedom. Claim and re-inherit your vagina from his clutches. Don’t be a victim any longer to the d**k. I know it’s going to be hard, but you can do it. You can let it go, and no longer be held hostage to the d**k. Run, Cora, Run! Be free! Free at last! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
