After a long, long (but not long enough?) winter away, our good friends from the Upper East Side have returned to us, dressed all in black and hunting for ghosts. There is no power in the afterlife. Well, only one fellow was looking for an actual ghost, but other people were pursuing things that long ago disappeared in the past, trying to reclaim and rekindle old loves. Guess who’s doin’ it? Yes, of course, it’s young Nate and Serena, whose daring and illicit sexcapade basically kicked off the entire series. It’s doubtful that their new pairing is serving as some sort of bookend and thus the series is ending, so don’t get your hopes up. No, it’s just another excuse for Serena to pout and for actress Chace Crawford to deploy her usual salvo of droning line readings. And for, you know, sexy writhing around. For her part, Blair has sanctioned the fledgling couple, but doesn’t think that they should rush into anything. Chiefly she didn’t think the kids should be doing sex to each other just yet, mostly because, like the rest of us, she found the idea of those two genital-less HardBodyBots mashing their smooth crotchal regions together unbearably repulsive. Try as they might, and beautiful as they are, Blake Lively and Chace Crawford just aren’t terribly attractive , are they? Or, at least, they simply have no chemistry with together. “Hello, pretty.” “Oh, hello pretty.” “You are looking pretty.” “You are looking pretty too.” “Shall we scissor without purpose for an hour or so?” “Yes, we shall.” Ew. But of course the wacky lovebirds couldn’t keep their whirring porcelain hands off of each other, so we were subjected to lots of sexy doin’-it music while these two clowns squeaked against each other like vinyl. There was some kind of supposed drama about Nate wanting to take it slow, because he took some stupid advice from the pile of chins that is Dan Humphrey, and Serena getting pissy. But for the most part their portion of the episode was about sexlessly rubbing up against one another, all of us weeping hot human tears at the grotesqueness of the whole thing. Throwing a monkey wrench into Serena and Nate’s fruitless nontercourse was, as always, little Pirate Jenny Humphrey, quickly evolving as one of the most hands-down annoying characters on television. Remember in the books when Jenny was a nerdy frizz-head with huge cans and was likable? Well, she’s not on this show, she’s just thin and board-like and blonde and wears increasingly bizarre goth clothes. Why are they styling Jenny like this? All these black garments and heavy dark makeup. It just makes no sense. I know trends recycle themselves every twenty years, but are we really at pop-goth again? Oh molasses I hope not. Anyway, last night Lydia Deetz was still doing drug running with her wicked Eurobrat diplobrat friend, the kid from Airbud . The Kid from Airbud , being a Eurobrat diplobrat, is a total ass. See, the Party this episode (there is always a Party, no matter the episode, always some social Something to attend or muck up or wear special clothing to) was a big French Ambassador’s Dinner. And, as French Ambassadors tend to be some kinky motherfuckers, exclusively teenagers were invited to the occasion. Just wall-to-wall teenagers and the French Ambassador looking creepily content and humming “Les Poisson.” So the Kid from Airbud wanted to do a big drug deal with the French Ambassador’s Daughter and needed Jenny’s help. See she came up with the brilliant and spy-level idea of switching coats. Put drugs in a lookalike coat and have the FAD take that one stuffed with drugs home at the end of the evening. Jenny is basically Mary McDonnell in Sneakers . She is that good. So all was on track with that plan until Nate and Serena fizzed and sparked and said “Malfunction. Malfunction.” and had a fight about the pace of their relationship. Upset about the fight, Serena, as rash and slatternly as Kate Keepdown, ran and asked the Kid from Airbud to go to the French Ambassador’s dinner with her. See, they used to know each other “at boarding school” (a robot factory outside Concord, NH) and he always had a crush on her. But that was in her wilder days and she is different now, but he doesn’t know that! The Kid from Airbud goes and meanly tells Jenny that shit is off with them, he got Sereneer van der Woolens to go on a date with him, so old Depeche Mode Humphrey can go cram it with cloves. But Jenny is never one to back down, her heart pumps black and relentless in her otherwise hollow chest, so of course she went to the French Ambassador’s sweet sixteen and saw Nate and was all “Let’s be dates.” The couples tried to make each other jealous but really nobody cared and in the end the Eurobrat diplobrat was proven to be a rake and a scoundrel, Serena was pulled into a coat closet and robot raped by Nate, and the French Ambassador’s Daughter got her meth manteau and all was well. The Kid from Airbud will stick around a little longer perhaps, and will maybe live to perform an Inserting upon Jenny, unless she has a Cure cover band concert to go to. We’ll see! Serena and Nate, meanwhile, are happily trying to interlock and interface with each other, sadly unaware that their mutual creator, the wispy and whimsical and wife-grieving white-haired Dr. Lacrimoso made them in such a way that they can never be truly together, because that is his pain, that is all of humanity’s pain. Another story line happening this week had to do with those old people that sometimes tell Dan, Jenny, and Serena what to do (though it never actually works). Nobody cares about this storyline except for the fact that Dan got in a fight with the old man character and said, as means to a sad/angry thing, “Make your own damn waffles.” Mm. Powerful words. Make your own damn waffles, Rahm Emanuel. Make your own damn waffles, Interrupting Oscar Witch Lady. Make your own damn waffles, scary kids who smoke weed outside my front door. Thanks for that, Dan. Speaking of Dan, he wants to perform an Inserting upon Vanessa, but she was nowhere to be found this episode. Sadly, unbeknownst to Dan, cavewoman Vanessa has been gored by a woolly mammoth and is using her last strength to draw her pictograph story on the walls of a cave in France. Either that or she thinks he’s gross and chinny and just doesn’t want to call him back. Finally we turn to Chuck and Blair. Blair was wearing a big furry hat and underpants at one point and made an Anna Karenina joke, which is fine. Chuck was all moopy and sad, scouring the riverbed for silt and other detritus as all good catfish do. One piece of detritus he was especially eager to find was his momz. Remember his mom who died in Chuckbirth but who is maybe secretly alive and putting flowers on Bart’s grave? Well, Chuck sadly tracked this mysterious lady down and she lied and said “No, my dear, I am not your mother .” And Chuck’s face fell three sizes that day, and he shuffled off and went to go throw pebbles into a pond and pick at his scabs and sulk and you wish you could do something, put your hand on this little boy’s shoulder and tell him that he is good and that there will be better days, but he’s such a stubborn boy and he won’t listen, so you just let him sit there, squinting obstinately at the setting sun, occasionally muttering angry little boy things to no one, to everyone. After the big mom disappointment, insightful Blair held back and approached the woman again. She knew she was lying. And she was right! This lady is Chuck’s mother, if the picture she had of a lady holding a baby is to be believed. (The baby was wearing a purple dandy scout and scowling.) What role will Chuck’s secret mom play on the show? Oh god. I can only imagine. That’s basically it folks. Oh, except. At the very end of the episode we caught site of Erik, another thwarted and angry little boy, kicking cans all alone down by the railroad tracks. We walked up to him and said “Do you need any help, son?” And he muttered “No…” and kicked another can and so we left him there, train whistles moaning in the distance, this abandoned little fellow not deserving to be lonely and ignored. But that’s just sometimes how the world works, people get left behind, trains miss stations. And trains keep running. But what did it all mean for their power standings? Our continued tabulations are below. Dorota : Power Play : Everything falls to shit when she’s away: +2 Sexual Intrigue : Romantic getaway with her boyfriend Vanya: +1 Total : 3 Season to Date : 58 Power Position : Up Blair : Family Secrets : Finds Chuck’s necklace and knows something is fishy: +1 Fashion Points : The Anna Karenina hat and negligee: +2, Her sparkly jacket at the ambassador dinner; +1 Personality Flaw : Stupid enough to think that Serena can stay chaste: -1, Gets back on the “Serena is a skank” train: +1, Knows that Nate is functionally illiterate: +1 Power Play : Cares more about meeting the French ambassador for her secret club than her man Chuck: -2, Is scared of the beautiful girls surrounding her target: -1, Has the balls to approach the French guy on his smoke break: +2, Gives up her chance to talk to him to run off with Chuck: -1, Her high-society coffee klatch idea is stupid anyway: +1, Figures out Chuck’s mother is full of shit and tells her if she doesn’t stay away then she will fuck her shit up: +3 Sexual Intrigue : Gives Serena advice about Nate: +1, Ew, she fucked her best friends boyfriend: -2, Chuck has no interest in playing her aristocratic role play games: -1, Rightly counsels Chuck to be cautious about this woman he thinks is his mother: +2 Social Schemes : Using Chuck to get to M. Doree, some dude who runs some lame secret society she wants to join: +2, Does anyone care about joining her Babysitter’s Club?: -1 Total : 8 Season to Date : 35 Power Position : Up Chuck : Family Secrets : Keeping secrets from Blair: -1, Discovers his mother: +3, She lies about being his mother: -2, Has to feel the hurt of losing his mother all over again: -1 Fashion Points : Purple!: -1, Excellent coat with a faux fur (PETA hopes!) collar: +1 Money : Finds the only jeweler in the world with a confidentiality agreement: -1, Pays him for his secrets: +2 Personality Flaw : We knew he had daddy issues, but this new Oedipal Complex is something new and scary: -2 Power Play : Gets to have a fancy lunch with the French power broker Blair wants to impress: +1 Sexual Intrigue : Turns down a date with hot-to-trot Anna Karenina: -2, Makes up with Blair: +1 Total : -2 Season to Date : 27 Power Position : Down Jenny : Family Secrets : Doesn’t tell Lily that her dad is avoiding her: +1 Fashion Points : Combines fashion and drugs, her two favorite things: +3, Her drug mule bolero is something you would buy at the Urban Outfitter’s remainders sale: -2, Hello spider web gown at the ambassador’s dinner!: +2 Personality Flaw : Gets called out for her unnatural love of board games: -2 Power Play : Has a drug-dealing best friend, Damien, which is pretty rad: +1, But he knows that she is now a character out of an after school special and can tattle on her at any time: -2, The French ambassador’s daughter knows she is a waste of time: -1, Tells Nate he is a retard for taking relationship advice from Dan: +1 Sexual Intrigue : Gets dissed by Damien for Serena: -2, Gets Nate and Serena back together so she can have her drug dealing man: +2 Social Schemes : Show’s up and forces herself on Nate. Long live the queen!: +2, Saves the druggie sweater: +2 WTF : Fuck, the closer Jenny gets to being the living embodiment of the lyrics to “Cherry Bomb” the more we like her: +2 Total : 7 Season to Date : 8 Power Position : Up Rufus : Personality Flaw : Hip enough to video chat: +1, Feeding people: -1, Takes relationship advice from Dan: -3 Power Play : Ignoring Lily’s calls: +1, Ignoring Lily in general: +1, But she is his meal ticket: -2 Sexual Intrigue : Finally comes back to Lily: +1, He’s all angry and calls her a skank: -1, But wait, Lily is a skank: +3, Stops by his new lover’s house: +2 (bow chicka wow wow!) Social Schemes : That hot black heiress lady totally wants his jock: +3 Total : 5 Season to Date : 1 Power Position : Up Nate : Fashion Points : Manbangs looking mangey: -1, Amazing tux shirt: +2 Personality Flaw : Is functionally illiterate: -1 Power Play : Takes romantic advice from Dan: -2, Gets upstaged by Damien, a short jerk with even worse hair: -1, If he had known there were drugs in that coat, he wouldn’t have thrown it away: -1 Sexual Intrigue : Is the 9 millionth person to sleep with Serena: -2, Has to go on a first date with Serena, even though they had sex already: -1, Is getting laid on the regular: +3, It’s by a lady: -1, He is dating his best friend’s ex: -1, Blowing it with Serena: -1, Really? In the coat room? Is he some pervy exhibitionist?: -2 Social Schemes : Let’s Jenny be his date: -2, She brings Serena and him back together, so it’s not a horrible decision: +2 Total : -11 Season to Date : 0 Power Position : Down Vanessa : Fashion Points : Wherever she was she still had lady dreads: -2 Power Play : Imagining a world without her is sweet indeed: 0 Total : -2 Season to Date : -10 Power Position : Up Dan : Personality Flaw : Gives everyone crappy relationship advice: -3, Owns a Cabbage Patch doll, which we find strangely endearing: +1 Power Play : Everyone keeps invading his Brooklyn pussy den: -1 Sexual Intrigue : Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan ! You need to get over this whole Vanessa thing: -3 Social Schemes : His best friend is sleeping with his ex and he wants to sleep with his best friend. Do these people have no boundaries?: -2 Total : -8 Season to Date : -21 Power Position : Up Lily : Family Secrets : Both Jenny and Dan lie to her about Rufus’ whereabouts: -2, Her secret is totally lame. She spent the night in a hotel and kissed her ex-husband. Boring: -1, Also, everyone knows now: -1, There must be something more to this story, and if she is convincing people otherwise, good on her: +1 Fashion Points : Does that white dress double as her bathrobe?: -1 Personality Flaw : Continues to neglect her depressed, gay, suicidal son: -1 Power Play : Tells Jenny to keep the door open when she’s in there with a boy, which is sound parenting advice, for a change: +2, Jenny still does what she wants anyway: -1 Sexual Intrigue : Rufus doesn’t believe she could keep it kosher with her ex: -1, She totally fucked her ex, so at least she’s getting some: +1 Total : -5 Season to Date : -27 Power Position : Down Serena : Fashion Points : Nice white cowl-neck sweater dress, which is surprisingly not too slutty: +1, The cleavage in her party dress isn’t too outrageous: +1, Personality Flaw : Someone needs to tell her that her boyfriend is gay: -1, Power Play : Damien knows she is a skank who can’t keep her clothes on: -1, She gets all huffy and runs off when he says this: +2, But then she ends up taking her clothes off about 72 seconds later, so he was absolutely right: -3 Sexual Intrigue : Her chastity with Nate lasts about -29 seconds: -2, On the floor at the Waldorf’s, on a couch, is she some kind of public sex fetishist?: -1, We’re kind of into that: +2, Is dating her best friend’s ex. Ew: -1, Nate only wants to sleep with her once a day: -1, Her vast sexual appetite is like a black hole, pulling in everything close by and rendering it into cold, dead anti-matter: -2 Social Schemes : Doesn’t need Nate to go to no fancy French embassy party: +2 WTF : After diddling Nate in the coat room, she steals someones coat: -1, It is ugly: -2, And she doesn’t even bother to put her dress back on. God, Serena. You are the worst!: -3 Total : -10 Season to Date : -35 Power Position : Up! This isn’t rock bottom yet, people.
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