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Kraft fap-aroni and sleaze! As you’ve likely heard by now, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was busted participating in a prostitution ring in — where else? — Jupiter, Florida last week. News of the scandal comes just weeks after the Patriots celebrated their sixth Super Bowl victory. And it seems that for Kraft, at least, future victories just won’t be the same without the ladies of the Asian Orchid massage parlor. According to a police report obtained by TMZ, Kraft enjoyed the services of numerous masseuses on the weekend of January 19, 2019. On Saturday, Kraft was chauffeured to Asian Orchid in his blue Bentley. While there, he paid and generously tipped two women, both of whom “took turns manipulating his genitals.” After the women “cleaned [Kraft] up” (ed. note: yeesh), he tipped them each with a crisp $100 bill. The next day, Kraft returned, once again chauffeured in his Bentley. This was an early morning session and he didn’t linger quite as long. After all, Kraft had places to be. After being rubbed and tugged to completion, the Pats owner boarded his private jet for Kansas City, where the Patriots took on the Chiefs in the AFC Championship game, The Pats pulled out a thrilling overtime victory, thus giving Kraft his second happy ending of the day. All of this is extensively detailed in a police report released on Monday: “[Employee] escorted Kraft to a room identified as JPPD Cam 2. There, the two hugged each other and Kraft took off all his clothing, laid face up on the massage table and [employee] hugged him again,” reads one portion of the report. “At approximately 1102hrs. [Employee] began manipulating Kraft’s penis and testicles and then put her head down by his penis. This went on several minutes,” the report continues “After a few minutes, [employee] wiped Kraft in the area of his genitals with a white towel, helped him get dressed and hugged him again. “Kraft gave [employee] one $100 bill plus at least one other unidentifiable bill.” We joke about Kraft’s indecency, but the crimes he’s accused of are actually quite serious. Police allege that Kraft was an active participant in a sex trafficking ring in which women were essentially sold into slavery. Since Kraft could easily afford high-end prostitutes who are in business for themselves, his preference for enslaved foreigners might carry some distressing implications about his character. On paper, NFL owners are bound by the same conduct policy as players — so we’ll see if the NFL is willing to hold a 77-year-old billionaire to the same standards as a 22-year-old recent college grad.

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Robert Kraft Loves Game Day Hooker Threesomes, Police Report Reveals