Dear Bossip , After reading a few of your post and seeing your insights on advice, I knew I had to share my messy story. So here is goes: After moving to Chicago from Florida, I was so lonely and extremely homesick. I hated my surroundings and really felt like I didn’t belong. That is until I was walking home from class and saw the finest tall man I have ever seen. Everything about him was on point and I had to have him. We exchanged numbers and I waited for him to finally call me. When he eventually called I was so happy we ended up getting together that night and that is when my life changed for the absolute worst. From then on we began to start a friendship while sleeping together. I never felt awkward from the start, but after doing some Facebook and Twitter creeping (We all do it, right?), I soon learned he was definitely doing him. I was not going to sit around and wait for him to hurt me. So, I foolishly continued to sleep with him for another 3 years. Almost a year ago I found out I was pregnant. I had no doubt he was the father, and as soon as I got done taking the pregnancy test I brought it over to his house .He never showed excitement or anger. He was just like, “Oh, okay.” Throughout my pregnancy he went to 2 doctor’s appointments and he was always going out. He would bang on my window at ANY time of the early morning (I’m talking about 3-5 a.m.), and disrespect the fact I was 8 months pregnant, still working and I simply needed rest. Also, he missed the labor of the baby. He stressed me out so much I couldn’t even breastfeed my son because this man stressed me out physically, emotionally, and mentally. He is 27 years old, and I’m 23 years old. I really had no idea how my single and carefree life was about to change. Here is it is my baby is two months old. He’s only bought my baby a crib and a few outfits. This goes without saying, but babies DO REQUIRE to have so much more stuff. I have recently learned he has a another son and another daughter (We apparently all were pregnant at the same time). We do have a child support case pending but he keeps saying, “I’m not going to court.” However, he does get money from the state for having a mental illness. I’m just so over this situation, but he keeps calling me begging me to be together and my attitude has 100% changed towards him. I just can’t anymore. Please give me your honest opinion of how to end things with him so I can move on with my life. It’s honestly breaking me down. – Trying To Be Unbothered Dear Ms. Trying To Be Unbothered , It’s officially here! The time has come! It’s ratchet season, and the donkeys are grazing in the pastures! Be careful, though, as you drive through the hoods, they are likely to run in the middle of the street as they look for other donkeys to graze and roam with. I swear that –ish you all put yourselves through, and at the cost of having some d**k in your life is truly sad and pathetic. Then, once you get the low-life and community d**k, you want to claim it as your own, obsess over it, and get mad when it doesn’t do what you want it to do. You are mad at him for being unavailable as a parent, and inattentive to you and your child, yet, he was unavailable and inattentive to you in your relationship. If you knew from day one that he was doing him, even after stalking him on Facebook and Twitter, and there were other women he was sleeping with, then why in the hell would you continue to sleep with him for 3 years!?!?! You can’t be in school. You can’t. Talking about you met him on your way to school. Were you on your way to the short yellow bus waiting to take you home? It’s painfully obvious that you not only do you need to remain in school, but you seriously need life training and life skills. Why, oh why, continue sleeping with a man who is not faithful to you, nor committed to you? Why, oh why, would you continue to sleep with a man and have unprotected sex and you know he is sleeping with other women? You are not too bright, and you are definitely in need of a mental evaluation of your own mental well-being. The stress and aggravation you are experienced is brought on by your own behavior, and your own desire to be with this man who clearly doesn’t want anything to do with you or your child. You are causing all this havoc in your life because you need and desire attention. You stated early on in your letter that you were homesick and miserable after your move to Chicago from Florida. Therefore, the first man who came along and showed you any type of affection you clung to him, and despite your better judgment, you entered into a one-sided relationship to keep yourself from feeling lonely and alone. Yes, in your head, you thought you had a relationship and you deluded yourself into believing this because you were sad, unhappy, and miserable. To give yourself something to do so that you wouldn’t feel alone and lonely, you started this imaginative relationship, felt it was real, and even went so far as to have a child. Seriously think of the consequences, and the decisions you made based on your misery. Now, you have a brought a child into this misery, and you want to point the finger at your sorry excuse of a man for not being and doing what he is supposed to be doing. But, you are the culprit in all of this. So, out of misery, boredom, loneliness, and unhappiness you have created this life, and it all not change until you recognize and be honest with yourself that this all could have been avoided if you would have found a better way to entertain yourself, and fulfill your time in your new city other than sleeping with the first man who came along. Please tell me how you can develop a friendship with someone you are sleeping with at the same time, and you don’t know anything about them? You need time alone. You need time to reflect and evaluate your own life, decisions, and judgments you’ve made about this situation. Why did your put yourself into this predicament with a man you knew from the start was doing him? Why allow yourself to continue to entertain this misery and pain, and how are you benefiting from it? What does he bring to the table that enhances your life, adds to you, or builds you? More importantly, he is unstable, unwilling, and unable to be a man, or suitable mate to you, therefore, why would you think he would be a good parent or excited father for your child? You have to want more for yourself, and to do that you must be willing to let him go, and stop this fantastical relationship you think you have with him. It’s not real. It’s all made up in your head. Stop playing fantasy land, and get a grip on reality. Grow up, be a parent to your child, and work on your life, and giving your child a loving and nurturing environment not filled with you and his silly donkey behavior. Girl, now you have to deal with a man who receives a check for his mental illness, therefore, there is strong possibility your child will inherit this mental illness. I truly wonder if you need to get a check as well. But, wait, do you already receive a check and you left that part out of your letter? Get over it, and him. You can never have a serious relationship with this man until you resolve your own issues and childish antics and behaviors. But, you won’t listen. You will continue to entertain him, his buffoonery, and both of your clownish antics. You’ll probably get pregnant by him, again, and you’ll move him into your home because you want a family and father for your child. But, what’s even more sad, is that because you don’t want to be alone, miserable, and lonely, you’ll allow this to consume you and it will be another 5, 10, 15 years before you actually decide to do something about it and move on, and learn how to better fill your time. Misery loves company, and you have plenty of it. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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