Dear Bossip , I’m coming to you to ask advice on how to handle a situation that affects my whole entire family. My boyfriend and I are expecting our first born. Although this wasn’t planned, I was actually still using birth control when we found out, I am looking forward to motherhood and this new chapter in my life. My parents (especially my mother) are livid that his has happened before we are married. She blatantly told me that I am a failure even though I have a college degree, masters, and currently working on my PhD. There is no doubt in my mind that my boyfriend is who I want to be with and he has expressed the same as well. I have also heard that he is putting down on a ring and planning on proposing in the near future. My parents are pushing for us to have a civil wedding and go to justice of the peace before the baby is born and then have a religious wedding after. They are worried about how they will be viewed by other family and friends being that their daughter is pregnant and unwed. My boyfriend’s family would like for us to marry in a civil wedding but they are supportive of whatever decision we decide to go with as long as we are doing what we feel is best for us. They are overjoyed that there is a baby on the way and looking forward to a new addition. My boyfriend has expressed to me (and my parents) that he is in love with me but only wants one wedding. He wants to give me the dream wedding that I want. The dream wedding that I don’t have the time, energy or finances to plan just yet because we are in the process of getting ready for the baby and moving into a bigger place. He has also told me that if I really want a civil wedding then he will give me just that but that a later ceremony is out of the question because if we are already married why go through the hassle of planning and having a ceremony for show? His wish is to go through with this one time. And stay married. My father and I have a decent relationship and we speak regularly, but things have gotten so bad with my mother that she barely talks to me. She doesn’t mention my pregnancy and never asks how I am feeling. I have never changed the way I act around her but her attitude towards me has been a complete 180; almost as if this is her way of punishing me. She doesn’t even know when my due date is. When I bring up my feelings to her, that as her daughter all I ask for is support and motherly advice and that right now my main focus is my health and remaining stress free, she ignores me. When she’s not ignoring me she’s shaming me and telling me that if I don’t get married before the baby is born I will never get married and that my boyfriend will leave me. I have already been to the ER for an anxiety attack and spiking blood pressure. She feels as if I don’t care about her or my father and that I should be worried about what my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc think about me. That is not the case. I am extremely attached to my family, but I expressed to her that my biggest fear is that if I marry someone because someone else wanted me to and not because I was not yet ready in my heart. Her response, “Then break up, people do it all the time.” So, then what is the point of marriage? Just to run down the altar, and later get a divorce? I don’t agree with that. As strong as my bond is with my boyfriend, this has put a dent on our relationship because he feels that I am spending too much time stressing myself out and that I am not putting our future family first. He has expressed to me that all he wants is to see me happy and that if the situation with my family is so volatile, I should try to distance myself as much as possible for my sake and sanity, but it’s not that easy. He is scared for my health and our unborn child and fears all this stress could lead me to miscarry. My question, should I rush into marriage because that’s what my family wants and put my relationship on the line? Or do I take my time and do what makes me happy and put my wants first? – Civil or Wedding Ceremony Dear Ms. Civil or Wedding Ceremony , First, congratulations on your pregnancy. It sounds as if you have some wonderful support systems in place that are encouraging and positive. But, ma’am, your momma needs to “sat” down somewhere and mind her business. THE HELL!!?!?! These mommas and their trying to keep a leash on their grown a** children need to get some business, or some good piping! I’m just saying. Now, what I’m going to need for you to do is grow up the hell up, and stop acting like a little girl seeking her mother’s approval. And, that is what’s going on here. You are still that little girl who is desperately trying to make her mother happy. You’re trying to do all the right things to bring her happiness, and to make her proud of you. You boast of your education, and living up to these standards for your mother’s approval. Unfortunately all she sees is her daughter pregnant, unmarried, and shacking up with some man. Not that she has done a great job in raising you, instilling morals and values, and that you are competent and capable of taking care of yourself. No, all your mother is concerned about is what other people will think. Who the “F**K” cares what other people think. They are not paying your bills, paying for your education, sleeping with you at night, financing you, feeding you, or taking care of you in any capacity. So, why be bothered and concerned with your mother’s issues that she’s imposing upon you. That’s her –ish, and don’t let her dump her –ish off on you attempting to make you feel guilty. Ugh! I can’t stand bourgeoisie uppity a** folks! You have a boyfriend who is standing by your side, and is committed to marrying you and building a family with you, and his family is even supportive of whatever you decide to do. So, why is your mother’s panties all in a bunch? She needs to get over herself, and have several seats. I agree with your boyfriend in that this joyous moment in your life should not be filled with anxiety and stress. Your focus and concern should be your health and well-being for the sake of your baby. And, here you are worrying about what your mother thinks. Like your boyfriend said, you are going to have to distance yourself, focus on your health and your unborn baby so that you can deliver a healthy and happy baby. Look, I understand you have a close relationship with your family. But, why would you keep allowing yourself to be mistreated and dogged by your mother, who’s already created anxiety in your life which sent you to the ER. IT’S NOT WORTH IT! Stop trying to prove yourself to her. Stop trying to make her happy. Stop trying to get her approval. No matter what you do she will not be happy. Not unless you do it her way. So, you have to make a choice: Either you grow up and be a woman and start making grown woman decisions and choices; or you continue being this little girl waiting on your mother to tell you things are okay, and she’s proud of you. In regard to the wedding, you have to do what makes you happy. Again, I agree with you boyfriend and his family, if getting married is so important to your family, then a civil wedding will do. But, to do another wedding just for show is costly, and can put a financial strain on the future of your marriage. Don’t create added or extra stress if you don’t have to. Now, if you decide to wait to do the big ceremony after the child is born, then simply wait. You can take your time and plan a wedding, coordinate all the details, and go all out. Is this what you truly desire? Is this what you need to validate yourself, or will it be for show and for your mother and her friends and the rest of your family? Honestly, you have to do what makes you happy. Think about your future, and take into consideration how this will affect your relationship. You’ve already stated this has put a dent in your relationship. What you don’t want to do is run off a good man because you are trying to make your mother happy. Your boyfriend has told you that he is supportive of whatever you decide, and his family is even encouraging. The decision is yours. Not your mothers and what she wants. Look, I understand your mother is concerned that if you don’t do it now then you never will. What I think is going on is that she is worried and concerned about losing her daughter. She can no longer control you. You will become your husband’s wife, his partner, and she won’t have a say in your life any longer. So, now she is guilting you and shaming you. But, all she really wants is just to protect you, however, the way she is going about it is extremely unhealthy and inappropriate. She is creating unnecessary stress and drama. And, as a mother and parent she should know better. Furthermore, she is the one who is caught up in appearances, and what others think. Unfortunately, she cannot see how what she is doing is causing damage to you, and making you unhappy. Ma’ma, don’t allow her to displace her own issues and problems onto you. Again, distance yourself and keep the lines of communication open with your father. Keep him informed of what’s going on, what’s happening, your due date, and all other important information. Trust me, he will relay this information to your mother. And, when it’s for the baby to be delivered, your parents will be there. Despite all this drama, she will be right there trying to lay claim on her grandbaby. After the baby is born you and your mother need to have a serious conversation. You need to readjust your life as an adult woman, stop trying to appease your mother and make her happy, and eventually come into your own. This level of doing things for your mother’s sake has got to stop. It will ruin your marriage, and relationship with your man. It’s not worth it. At some point you’re going to have to put your mother in her place, politely, and let her know she did a great job, but now it’s time to take off the overly protective mother gloves off, and let go of what people think. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
