Movies have become so technically sophisticated, so hyper-real, that there’s almost no such thing as a cheap pulp entertainment anymore: So many movies set out to wow us, which isn’t the same as giving us pleasure. Yet even within those dispiriting parameters, you couldn’t come up with a more mediocre wow than Marcus Nispel’s Conan the Barbarian , which is perhaps less a remake of John Milius’ 1982 crowdpleaser than an attempt to honor the spirit of Robert E. Howard’s original novels, though it’s hard to tell exactly what effect Nispel is going for. I wanted to giggle when Ron Perlman, as Conan’s dad-to-be, performed an emergency mid-battle C-section on his dying wife. But the Conan birth scene, so epic in its epicness, is played totally straight. When Perlman holds that tastefully blood-streaked CGI newborn aloft to the mighty heavens, he seems to be angling for a few gifts of frankincense or myrrh, or at least a gift certificate from Land of Nod.
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REVIEW: Even If You Like ’Em Big and Stupid, Conan the Barbarian Disappoints
