Dear Bossip , I dated a man off and on for almost 10 years. Our relationship was long distance and it was more off than on. In February, he moved to my city for our relationship and a month later I discovered I was pregnant. He freaked out and told me I had to choose between him and the baby I was carrying. I chose the baby. It wasn’t a hard choice. He began to tell me all the lies and things he had done in the past to get me to see that I did not want to raise a child with him. For example, he was 19 years old when we met, not 21 like he told me. And, he had even married someone during one of the times when we were not together. When I still refused to have an abortion he said he would not be a part of the child’s life and would only do what child support made him. When my daughter was born I didn’t invite him to the hospital. I let him know later and he demanded a blood test. After she was proven his, he wanted to work out child support payments between us, but did not want to see his daughter. I had already started the process of child support when we went to court. The judge ripped him a new on and thoroughly embarrassed him. He left in tears, but I think that it had more to do with the amount that he is required to pay. The judge gave me full custody of our daughter and gave him one supervised visitation day per week. The judge encouraged me to be open to supervised visits if he wanted them. I was given full custody because he sent me several emails begging me to, “kill ‘it’ so we could be together.” And, “This ‘thing’ was ruining our plans.” And, even after she was born he still referred to her as ‘it’ and ‘thing,’ and nothing more than a financial obligation, and the sooner he starts paying the sooner he’ll get done. So, the judge said, “Okay, you just want to pay and have no say, so be it.” That was 3 weeks ago and yesterday he called for his first visit. This visit is in my orders, and it says as long as it does not inconvenience me. So, I am not breaking the law if I don’t allow him a supervised visit. I can supervise him myself or allow him to use a court appointed supervision service. I am completely revolted by this person and I don’t trust him around me or our daughter. I feel like I’d need to be strapped, but I don’t want to have that on around my daughter. The judge only urged me to allow visitation, but said she understood if I had concerns and stopped just short of taking away his rights. I love our daughter so much words can’t describe it, and the selfish part of me is happy that she is legally all mine and that I have complete say so over her life, but I also know that children need both parents. Do you think it is possible that he could change enough to where I could allow him to visit our daughter or be around her alone? Concerned Mommie Dear Ms. Concerned Mommie , This is what I want you to do: I want you to start waking up extra early and watch the morning news shows like the Today Show , and Good Morning America . I want you to notice the current news stories about little children who are with one parent while on visitation and then all of a sudden, in the middle of the night, someone comes into the home and takes the child from their crib. Then, the next day the police are searching high and low looking for a mysterious child abductor who came into the home while everyone was sleeping and took the child, with no visible signs of forced entry, and the police, the community, and the parent who had the child are stumped of why and who would come into the home and take the child. And, you know what happens next? Fingers and evidence start pointing toward the parent who the child was left with, who is crying and acting all hysterical on the news talking about, “Please bring my baby back home. I love my child.” And, the child is found buried or in some lake or river not too far from the house. Then, we learn that the couple was in a bitter custody battle and case, and the only way to get rid of their financial problem, or to hurt and make the other parent angry they harm the child. Now, I ask you, he told you when you were pregnant that you had to choose between him and the baby, and when you chose the baby he told you that he wants no part of the child’s life, and that he would only do what child support made him. Then when the child was born he wanted a blood test, and when she was proven to be his he still didn’t want to see her, and he only refers to your child as ‘it,’ ‘thing,’ and nothing more than a financial obligation; now, I want to know if you think it’s okay to leave your daughter alone with this man? (I’m perched in front of the computer screen in my chair with my hand under my chin waiting for you to respond) You see, this is exactly why I don’t believe in long distance relationships. Especially being with someone for 10 years, and you don’t live in the same state, and he doesn’t put a ring on your finger or ask you to marry him in all that time. You don’t know what MoFo’s are doing while you’re not there. They can tell you anything at night when they do their routine check-in call. Girl, puhlease. Y’all better get out of these long distance relationships in 2012. Besides, who sits around and waits for someone for 10 years, and you live in two different states!?! Where they do that at???? You got to be a ditzy broad to sit and believe that your man was faithful and monogamous all that time while you were in another state. And, then this fool moves to where you are because all-of-a-sudden he decides that he wants to be in a fully committed relationship with you, but soon after you become pregnant and this knee-grow shows his ass. But, hold up, it gets better. He then proceeds to become Mr. Confessional and shares all the lies he’s told you over the past 10 years. My gosh, that must have taken a few days. And, then this fool tells you that he married someone else when you two were supposedly not together at one point. Uhm, ma’am, this was your “Player Free” card to get Angela Bassett on his ass and do a Waiting To Exhale on him. I don’t believe that you can be that oblivious and naïve and be with someone for 10 years, and then they all of a sudden they show you their ass for you to kiss, and you happily oblige. There had to been some clues, signs, hand signals, gestures, smoke signals, Morse Code, Braille inscriptions, or something. But, Ms. Honey, I’m sorry and I have to stress this over again, he revealed to you all of the lies he ever told you over the course of your relationship, and he admitted to being married while you two were on the outs at one point. SMDH! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! That’s some MF’ing –ish right there! Does he still have two balls? You should have grabbed them and snatched them off!!! And, let me be clear, you are writing me and asking if you can leave your child with him for his visitations? The same man who refers to your child as “it” and “thing” and a “financial obligation.” The same man who asked you to choose between him and your child? The same man who has told you that he wants nothing to do with the child? Again, you’re asking me if you can leave your child with him for his visitations? (Does anyone know how to do a brain cleanse of nut juice?) You see ladies, this is what happens to your brain on d**k. You live in a fog of contentment and so-called love. You’re disillusioned about your relationship, and you’ll keep holding out faith and hope that the man you spent time and energy on will one day, some day, be the man you want him to be. You’ll even consider leaving your child alone with him even after he’s told you that he doesn’t want any parts of her life, or to be acknowledged as the father. You will push and push and push him to be in the child’s life, and then I’ll be watching the morning shows with you on the screen falling out and screaming because someone took your child in the middle of the night while they were at their father’s house. Ms. Lady, don’t you leave your child alone with that man. Don’t force him to be in the child’s life if he doesn’t want to. And, if you need to carry your .45; Magnum; or pistol while you’re supervising the visit with him, then so be it. And, for extra precautionary measure you should have someone from the courts to accompany you. Therefore, both of you can put caps in his ass if he should decide to do something stupid or reckless. I would be watching him like a hawk. He better not make any sudden moves or slight gestures. POW! A bullet in his ass! – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: He Refers To Our Child As “It” & “Thing” & A Financial Obligation
