Dear Bossip , I’m in a relationship right now that is completely struggling. I lived with my partner’s mother over a few years now. Recently, my mom got hurt and she had to go through a surgery. I packed all my things and went home. Me and my partner were having a lot of issues, probably more so because of the stress – I lost my job, my mom got hurt, and etc. I packed all my things and moved to live with my mom, however, he wants me to move back with him, but I’m considering staying at home. I love living with my family. All those years we were together I saw my mother less times than I can count on one hand, let alone my brother with whom I was extremely close to. Now that I am close to them all again I feel at home. At his mother’s house his brothers, sisters and even his mother would disrespect me and make me feel like I was worthless. He never demanded respect. I always had to defend myself even from him sometimes. Now that I have moved he cries and begs me to come back. This is the first time I actually left him. I’m debating on whether or not if I should go back. I need to be happy and I want to think he will change. He seems to understand where I’m coming from now, I would help. I can’t help that I really love this man, but I need to chase my happiness. I want the freedom and I want to be with him. If I return how should I set my boundaries? Should I believe him? Should I even consider returning? I’m at a loss right now. – To Return Or Not To Return Dear Ms. To Return Or Not To Return , Change? Really, he’s changed? Well, change is moving forward, out of, away from, or doing something different. Change is not doing the same thing again. Therefore, please explain how he has changed, yet, he is still living at home with his momma, and he wants you to come back to the same situation. How is that change? Change would have been him growing up, getting out of his momma’s house, getting a place for you and him, and being a man instead of a boy. Now, sweetie, that is change. Therefore, nope. You shouldn’t return. There is no need to set boundaries because you should not return. And, no, you should not believe anything he is telling you. Does he miss you? Sure, but, just know that he doesn’t respect you, and neither does his mother, brother and sisters. Oh, and by the way, why are you living with his momma in his momma’s house? You sound like a damn fool. You’re a grown ass woman living in another grown woman’s house with your grown ass man. The hell!?!?! Girl, stop. Look at your life. Look at his life. You’re two grown ass people living in his momma’s house, and none of his family members respects you or your relationship. And, he didn’t stand up for you or even come to your defense when his family was attacking you, yet, you’re considering moving back to the same ole bull-ish! Do you even hear you damn self? Though your mother got sick and needed surgery, and I’m sorry to hear about it and wish her well, but you should consider this a blessing in disguise. It is truly a blessing your mother’s surgery had to get you out of that situation, and back into an environment where people who genuinely love you, support you, and make you feel worthy, and they were at home waiting on you. They say the Lord works in mysterious ways, and when the Lord moves you and makes things happen in your life, especially to relieve you from a bad situation, baby, you should count it as a blessing. Since you’ve moved on from your boyfriend you state that you’re happy. You enjoy being with your family and you have rekindled your relationships with your mother and brother. You even stated that you need to continue to chase your freedom and happiness. So, were you happy living with your man and his momma, and his siblings? Did they make you feel wanted? Did they make you feel needed? Were you loved, nurtured, and supported? Did you have peace and joy? Look, you can hope, and wish all you want that he has changed, and that the situation at his momma’s house has changed, but it hasn’t. Things are still the same, and you will return to the same. Don’t go backward, move forward. Go after your happiness and freedom and leave them in their misery. Leave them in their hatred, and sadness. You don’t need that, and it will be very foolish of you to go back and relive that life once again. If you decide to stay with him, then, I do recommend that you don’t move back to his momma’s house. You and he need your own place, your own residence, and your own privacy. Just you and him. His mom and siblings should not have keys to your place. They cannot just show up and come over when they want. And, when they come into your home they have to show you respect and respect your relationship. Finally, don’t move with him unless he has half of the security deposit, and can afford to pay half the rent. If he can’t, then there is no need to live together or even consider moving in with one another. If you’re paying all the rent, and holding him down, and allowing him to stay with you, then you haven’t learned anything. He is still the same young, immature, little boy who wants a woman to take care of him like his momma. If he can’t handle his responsibilities, or live within these boundaries you set, then it’s time to move on and let him go. Love yourself. Love your life. And, continue to enjoy the happiness, love, and respect you are getting from those who have no problem showering you with the affection you deserve. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: I Lived With Him & His Mom, But I Left & He Wants Me To Return
