Dear Bossip , I am having a few issues. I was with my ex for 8 years off and on. We started dating at 15, and fell in puppy love. This was something so new to both of us we just enjoyed the feeling of being around each other. Things changed and he started being sneaky and I quickly found out. He was the quarterback, so he had an ego that he was “the –ish.” He fell victim to girls wanting him. There were a few incidents like me seeing contacts and receiving phone calls, but I overlooked it all because I loved him. Two years after we got together we went off to college. Both were in state so, we were not too far from each other. I noticed he started to change and I even received anonymous message saying he was cheating. My grandmother died in 2009 and instead of him being there for me he hung up in my face to go see about another female friend that was supposedly in an accident. After this we were separated for about a year. I dated and we kept in touch via text or phone call from time to time. We ended up getting back together and two years later I got pregnant. He immediately changed and stopped answering my calls. It hurt so bad to be with someone for so long to do me like that. So, I went on with my life and had an abortion. He never even called to see if I kept the baby or not. He went on social media and made post referring to the unborn child and making pokes at me. So, we got into an argument on Twitter because I’m not one to let someone trash my name. He started to text my phone from a new number saying he missed me, which I didn’t discover was him until two months later. He asked me to meet up. I was looking for closure so I agreed. We met up for drinks and talked it over and he apologized. We then started dating again. A few months after getting back together I got pregnant. I discussed my goals for the baby and the future and he agreed. He quit his job and didn’t work for 3 months. Once the baby got here he started going to the casino and gambling his money away. My baby is 5 months old and he has yet to put $5 to the side. I make good money for my age, but I still stay with my mother. I thought we agreed we would find our own home, but he can’t save money. I asked him to step up or step out. Guess what he did….he stepped out! Once again running from his responsibility because he can’t be a man. I’m so tired of this bull-ish. I know how to leave when I’m not treated right, which is why I broke it off every time. I do not want to have another man raise my child, but I think that’s what’s going to happen. Can you give me advice? I’m tired of going back because I see temporary change. – Ready To Hop Off The Rollercoaster Dear Ms. Ready To Hop Off The Rollercoaster , Ma’am, hop off the rollercoaster. Simply, just hop off and stay off. He’s irresponsible, silly, and immature. He doesn’t know how to be a man, therefore, he cannot and will not be the parent you want him to be. Nor, will he be the man you need him to be in the relationship you desire. You can’t make him do something he is incapable of doing and being. You can’t make this be the relationship you desire, want, or need. He simply cannot provide you with the support, nurturing, love, or care that you or your child need. Therefore, leave. Get out. And, stop wishing and hoping for something that will never be. Why would you want to be with a man who did not support or be there for you when your grandmother died? Why would you want to be with a man who abandoned you while you were pregnant, and didn’t even call to see if you had the baby? Why would you want to be with a man who would poke fun at you and your unborn child on social media, and then trash you at the same time? He’s a boy. And, you’re wasting your time trying to turn a boy into a man. It’s not going to happen. I mean what man you know would up and quit his job after he learned his wife, or girlfriend was having a baby? What kind of sense does that make? And, he is gambling his money away at the casino?!? He’s a dumba**, and he doesn’t have his priorities in order. That is why when you asked him to step up or step out, he stepped out. He took the cowardly way out, and didn’t want to own up to his responsibilities. So, he his lame a** walked away and left you with his child to raise. Yes, you are going to have raise the child without him. So, instead of sulking and hoping he will get his –ish together, you have to make adult decisions that are in the best interest of you and your child. He does not, and is not a part of this plan. It’s time to get into action and put on your big girl panties. You put his a** on child support. He wants to walk away, then let him walk away knowing he will still have responsibilities he has to take care of. Then, you petition the court for full custody of your child. You find resources, organizations, and groups that can help build you, and get you into programs, and in finishing school. You continue to work, and take care of your child, and if you meet another man, then you take your time and date. Get to know him, and watch for any signs or patterns that are reminiscent of your ex. You don’t want to repeat bad behaviors and dating habits. You can’t continue being a volunteer victim to a man who has repeatedly shown you who he is. You have to let go of the victim mentality. You can’t be a victim when you know and keep allowing him to do all of these horrible things to you, yet, you keep taking him back. He is consistent in that he doesn’t want to be a father, a man, or your partner. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. Plain and simple. He wants to hang out, party, and run the streets. Then, let him. Stop worrying about him, and stop fretting over him. You have to take care of you, and your child. You are not a victim. Be strong, and be encouraged. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Follow this link:
Dear Bossip: I Reconnected With An Ex & Had His Child, But When It Was Time To Step Up, He Stepped Out
