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Dear Bossip: We Broke Up, He Got Another Woman Pregnant, But Wanted To Get Back Together

Posted on January 11, 2017 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I’m a 29-year old mother of two children, and I was in a relationship for 4 ½ years with a man (not the father of my kids), and he has a daughter from a previous relationship as well. Our relationship was mostly good until we hit a rough patch towards the last year of our relationship. We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. When we got back together we had a lot of trust issues and found it hard to forgive one another. By this point I had already invested so much in the relationship that I wanted it to work regardless, but no matter how much I tried he didn’t want to immediately get back together. Months after we broke up, he would come and go as he pleased. We were back and forth and it was very frustrating for me so I gave him an ultimatum I told him that he either wanted to make it work and we move forward, or, that I was leaving to another city to start over without him. He begged me not to go, but I left anyway because I didn’t think things would change and I wanted him to see what life was like without me in hopes he’d run after me. We ended up keeping in touch for months and talked about working things out. After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. He said while I was away he tried to get over me with someone else and now she’s pregnant with his son. He said he still loves me and that he didn’t love her, and it was a mistake. He apologized for not telling me sooner. I was devastated. I cried and felt so depressed. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks later he was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. I spoke with him a second time after many missed calls and he seemed really upset about his situation and begged me to talk to him. He said he felt forced to be with someone he doesn’t love and, blah blah blah. I ended up feeling sorry him, and I started talking to him again, but 2 weeks later he said the pregnant girl was threatening to hurt herself and he was going to be with her and that he cared too much about her and his unborn child to not try to work it out. SMDH! I feel stupid once again and a part of me feels that he may come back to me again and I really don’t want to be involved, but I’m so weak and don’t know how to let go. I don’t know what to think or believe. I feel so depressed about everything. I feel like life for me hasn’t gotten better and I’m tired. – It’s Gone Downhill Dear Ms. It’s Gone Downhill , He’s made a choice. He’s decided on what he’s going to do, and it does not involve you. Therefore, why are you depressed? Why are you mopping and crying over a man who clearly doesn’t want to be with you? Besides, he made that choice a long time ago when you broke up the first time. So, again, why are you crying and being depressed over him? Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. Then, after giving him an ultimatum to get it together or lose you, you felt it best to move away and hoped he would run after you. Welp, he didn’t run after you, and instead he ran to another woman for comfort and now she is pregnant. So, therefore, I’m not so sure what you are finding so hard to get over about him, and why do you let him keep coming back into your life? He let you go. He didn’t come chasing after you. He was able to find someone else to keep him company. You are the one who is keeping this rollercoaster of a relationship going with him. So, ask yourself why do you allow it? It ended because you both were doing your own thing, and you had trust issues. Then, when you decided to get back together he wasn’t so sure he wanted to be in a relationship with you. That should have been the end of it. But, you couldn’t let him go. You moved and hoped he would come chasing you. He didn’t. But, you allowed him to call and you were hoping he had changed. He hadn’t. Seven months later he tells you that while you were gone, and in order for him to get over you he met someone else and now she’s pregnant. Ma’am, he didn’t waste any time moving on from you. He found someone relatively fast and quick, and jumped in the bed with her. Again, this was the perfect time to walk away, and end it with him. But, yet, again you let him back and hoped things would change and he would be with you. So, you go back to where you started, and then he hits you with another bombshell. His baby momma, the woman he claims he doesn’t love and doesn’t want to be with, is threatening to harm herself and the baby if he doesn’t be with her. So, he feels it is best to make things work with her for the sake of his baby. Basically, he is dumping you and moving on. Now, again, I don’t see why it is so hard to let him go, and why you can’t move on. He doesn’t want to be with you. He is going to focus his energy and time with his baby momma, his relationship with her, and making sure his child is born. Ma’am, he’s made a choice. And, you are not the choice. Therefore, move on. Let him go. Stop this back and forth with him. But, the real reason you can’t let go is because you feel bad that you’ve invested 4 ½ years into this relationship hoping it would lead to something, and all you got is heartbreak, and him getting another woman pregnant. He didn’t marry you. He didn’t give you another child. He didn’t invest in your relationship. So, you’re wondering what is it about her that he is willing to commit himself and give his all to her. Why is it that she gets to have his child and not you? You’re wondering if he will marry her. You’re upset that it only took a few months for her to get what you’ve been waiting for 4 ½ years. There is no rhyme or reason. Life had another plan, and be glad you get to see who he is and how you dodged the bullet. Take this as a lesson learned. Always follow your gut and your instincts. When you ended it you knew it was over. You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. When he didn’t come chasing after you when you moved you knew it was over and done with. You have to grow up and stop this childish immature desiring for a man who keeps you hanging around. You have to be mature and know what is best for you. He isn’t what is best for you. Besides, why would you want to be with a man who is with someone else? So, let it be over. Stop going backwards. Move forward with your life. He is not the end all and be all. At some point you have to recognize your own self-worth and value, otherwise you will keep allowing him and others to walk all over you. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

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Dear Bossip: We Broke Up, He Got Another Woman Pregnant, But Wanted To Get Back Together

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Dear Bossip: My Husband Cheated & Left Us Because He Thinks He’s Going To Die

Posted on January 3, 2017 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , My husband and I have been together going on 24 years. I recently found out he cheated on me and it floored me. I have always been a great wife and always kept it sexy till today. I never let myself go, and I am always at the gym. I also make sure our household is on point. We have 4 kids – My oldest son who he raised since he was 2 years old. His twins that I raised since they were one year old, and, our own child. My husband was recently diagnosed with heart problems and had to have stents put in his heart. His brother had a heart attack at 30 years of age and passed away. His father died of a heart attack at the aged of 56 years of age, and his mom has stents put in her heart. His older brother has also had heart surgery. Once this happened, things really changed in our relationship. He started hanging out more and staying out. I spoke to someone who said he is going through a mid-life crisis. I sat and spoke to him and he stated that he feels he does not have long to live and wants to enjoy life. I can understand that, but when the fun turns into missed calls, not answering your phone, and making up lies now we have a problem. And, then, I became a detective. I found out he cheated and I told him we were done and he needed to leave. He went to stay at his mother’s house and he has been there for the past 6 months. We keep in contact, but I feel now that he is doing way more out there, and he is saying “THE HELL” to out 24 year relationship. I am finding out thing and I don’t like it. He tells me he loves me with all his heart and that he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he also says that he needs to find himself. I haven’t been with anyone, not because I can’t, it’s because I don’t want too. I truly do love him and want my marriage to work, but it cannot be one sided either. As a man, if I just leave him be, is there a possibility to reconnect in order to create a new bond, strengthen the old one, build a friendship and go back to what once was that brought us together? Do you think me just leaving him alone is right, meaning, don’t ask questions, don’t keep tabs, don’t act jealous, and don’t bring up the cheating? Should I just do not bother him and just give him his space? Do you think he will realize what he had? You keep it so real and to the point that I truly do value you honest option. – Still Hoping For The Best Dear Ms. Still Hoping For The Best , Your husband is gone. He has checked out of your marriage. He has checked out of your relationship. He has checked out of life. He would rather run himself into fast and quick into the ground, rather than focus on the positive things he has in his life, such as your marriage, his family, loved ones, and the love that you and he built for 24 years. Sadly, he has witnessed his own family members die from heart attacks, and another sibling and his mother have stents in their hearts, so, he doesn’t see any hope or future for himself. He has accepted a fate that he feels is determinate and will ultimately lead to nothing gained, ventured, or lived. So, he’d rather live out his days fast, hard, and doing what he feels is a life of no regrets. It is sad that he doesn’t realize the wonderful life he has built with you for 24 years, and the children he has helped to create. He could be spending lots of time with his children building and creating memories that will live forever with them, but he can’t see that. He can’t see how this will affect them in the long run. He has become selfish and self-absorbed thinking only of himself. He would rather throw 24 years down the drain. Unfortunately, he sees things differently than you, and he doesn’t see the pain, and hurt he is causing all those who are around him and love him. He is committed to self-destruction, but his self-destruction seems eminent because for him it’s “I’m going to die anyway, so I may as well live how I want to live.” I don’t think he will realize or recognize what he has done or is doing to you until he is on his deathbed and he sees you, his children, and all those who love him surrounding him. He may beg and ask for forgiveness at that time, but it will be too late. He has already done the damage. So, your question is there a possibility to reconnect in order to create a new bond, strengthen the old one, build a friendship and go back to what once was that brought us together? Ma’am, I don’t know. But, I do know it will never go back to what once was that brought you together. That will not happen. I am all for new possibilities, but unless he is willing to see the possibility to reconnect to create a new bond, then it won’t happen. He has to be willing to change, to turn around, and come back home. You would think that this wake up call would cause him to create a new bond with you, his children, and his family. But, it hasn’t. He has turned to doing him and doing him at any and all costs. He has turned his back on you, and is not interested in building a friendship, or strengthening what you once had. He is about himself. Next you want to know that if you should just leave him alone, meaning, don’t ask questions, don’t keep tabs, don’t act jealous, and don’t bring up the cheating? Well, you’re still married. He is self-destructing right before your eyes. You’ve caught him cheating, and you know he is in the streets doing whatever and with whom. So, why ignore it? You are his wife and he is your husband. He is destroying your family, and your household. He is causing you grief, pain, and agony. You can’t just ignore what he’s doing. He is still responsible as a father, a husband, a family man to be committed to you and his children. No, you shouldn’t let him off the hook. No, he doesn’t get a pass simply because he wants to live life to fullest, and it doesn’t include you. His actions and behaviors do affect you. Why be an a**hole? Why treat you all horribly? You all have not done anything to him. I don’t understand his rationale that he needs to find himself. Uhm, sir, you’ve had ample amount of time to find yourself. You don’t get married, create a family, build 24 years of a marriage and then decide you need to find yourself. No, that’s not how this works, and this is not how you go about doing things, especially when you’ve brought other people into your life. They didn’t ask for anything of this, so why would you treat them like this? I get that he has a life scare, and he is not sure of the amount of time he has. But, why not take care of yourself, find resources and understand your health choices and decisions and how these may prolong your life. Why not invest in ensuring you live longer so that you can enjoy life with those who love you, and those whom you claim you love? Ma’am, your husband has been gone for six months, and it’s time to consider your options. You either get divorced and let him do him. Let him find himself, and let him run himself into the ground. Or, you and he have a serious talk. You don’t hold back anything, and you let him know how all of this is affecting you, his children, and those who love him. You let him know what 24 years of marriage has been built upon, and remind him that his marriage vows are for better or worse, and in sickness and health. He can’t abandon you all. That’s not what he agreed upon when he asked you to marry him. So, hold him accountable. Then, you get into therapy/marriage counseling, and then you find treatment plans and doctors who can give him options on how to extend his life. If he is not on board with any of these, then, you have to let him go. Let him go and do him. You can’t stop living your life and chasing after him and playing marriage detective. You have children to raise, a family to look after, and your own mental, emotional and physical well-being to be concerned with. Your children need at least one sane and healthy parent, so, don’t let him lead you down a path of destruction following him and worrying about him. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

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Dear Bossip: My Husband Cheated & Left Us Because He Thinks He’s Going To Die

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Dear Bossip: After We Told His Parents We Were Engaged & Pregnant, He Ended Our Relationship

Posted on November 29, 2016 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am 5 months pregnant and was with the same man for 3 years. We had relationship troubles for over a year because I found him sexting other women. He does have a pornography addiction that has lasted over 15 years and he relates it to that. He has agreed he needs help and has started to reach out for addiction counseling. Well, after we found out I was pregnant he was very supportive and even happy. He would become stressed when thinking about telling his family as they are very judgmental and extremely old fashioned. We are not married so this would be a shock to tell them. Well, after knowing for a couple months we finally told them that we are expecting and the only person who was accepting of it was his dad, who is a pastor. My fiancé told him that we have been engaged for 3 years (they didn’t know that either because we decided not to tell them until we actually decided to get married). And, he also told him that we are planning on moving in together and everything. Well, instantly that night my fiancé turned his back on me because I got mad when he said he shouldn’t spend the night anymore so his mom won’t stay mad at him. Like a child isn’t making her mad enough. The next few weeks he continued to turn his back on me and became extremely distant. He never wanted to hang out or see me anymore and I didn’t know what I did because before telling them he was on my side. He then broke up with me a couple days later saying that he needs to refocus his relationship with God and that he disappointed him and his family. Well, I checked our call logs on the phone bill and saw that he is talking with another girl on the phone almost 24/7 and he hates talking on the phone so I know it’s something. I confront him about it and he said they’re just friends. I later find out that she JUST turned 18 years old and graduated high school. He is 25 years old, and he is also her boss at work! Until this day he constantly denies it and says he has no feelings for her and doesn’t want to be with her, but I’m being told otherwise, by the guy that SHE left for my fiancé the second we broke up. My (ex) fiancé said that he didn’t want to be together now, but hopes it works out in the future and we have a family with our daughter who will be here in April. I spoke with him the other day and he said that he doesn’t see his feelings changing anymore and that he doesn’t even think we need to spend more time together, even though we are getting along great. I asked if he saw it possible for our relationship to be given a second chance and he responded with, “I don’t know right now. I’m sorry.” I don’t know what to do because I really wanted our family to work or even give it a shot to see if it could work. What should I do? I haven’t talked with him in 4 days now, even though we just agreed that we are getting along great and our fights and everything were stupid. I really do feel something is going on between him and this little girl, but he just keeps denying it and saying it would be toxic to get in a relationship right now while expecting a child. Deep down I know he has some feelings for me still, but I don’t bring that up because I know he’ll deny that too. Am I doing the right thing by not talking with him anymore? I feel terrible because I know have to when it comes to our daughter and the doctor appointments. But, I don’t want to be the one who initiates a conversation because he hasn’t bothered to reach out to me. Also, keep in mind just a few days ago he called me randomly at night to say hey and then texted me all night and I didn’t respond because I fell asleep. Then, the next morning, he texted me first to say good morning. But, later that day he was with her and then called me to say it’s nothing and that they’re just friends hanging out. PLEASE HELP ME! – Lost & Confused Dear Ms. Lost & Confused , It appears that he has moved on. Regardless of what he says about him hanging out with an 18 year old girl, and someone he manages from his job, and him saying they are just friends, something is going on between them. Why is a 25 year old man hanging out with an 18 year old girl? And, why is he fraternizing with someone who works at the same job, and he’s her manager/boss? That is a no-no. Employees do not fraternize and hang out with their bosses off the clock, or, hell, not even on the job. So, there is something going on between them, and he is not being honest. And, I do believe that something happened, or a conversation was had with his parents about your relationship, which was the cause of him breaking up with you, because immediately after you told them that you were engaged and pregnant all of a sudden he has a change of heart and mind about your relationship. I feel that his parents said something and confronted him about your situation and relationship. I don’t buy that he got mad at you because you told him not to spend the night anymore in order that his mother wouldn’t stay mad at him. I really do feel that his parents, both his mother and father, had a long conversation with him about your situation: 1.) You were engaged for 3 years and didn’t tell anyone because you wanted to wait until you planned to get married. Uhm, sweetie, the engagement is the plan to get married, so why did you wait 3 years to tell them? Also, this means that he did not ask your family/parents for permission to marry you, and he had not “properly” introduced you to his family and made it clear what his intentions were with you and your future together. His parents probably feel that he is moving too fast, and that you are not the woman for him. Why would he not tell his parents for 3 years that he is engaged? Again, that doesn’t make any sense. Regardless if his parents are old-school, old-fashioned, and judgmental, the fact that you all did not respect them enough to tell them is what bothers them the most. 2.) Then, you show up and say that you are pregnant. You are five months pregnant, and you all wait to tell your families. Again, why wait? What was the hold up? I understand his family is old fashioned, and his father is a pastor, but you are damn near about to give birth and you don’t say anything to his family? That is backwards. Again, I feel that his parents are really upset that all this time they have been communicating and talking with their son and he never once mentioned that you were pregnant. That is a joyous occasion, and something to be celebrated. Yet, it has turned into a nightmare because you and your boyfriend thought and felt it was best to wait and not tell anyone for fear of what? I’m confused as to why you all were keeping things a secret. I also have another concern which is the opening of your letter and you mentioning that your ex has a pornography problem/addiction, and you’ve often found him sexting other women. However, according to him, his sexting other women is related to his pornography addiction, which has spanned 15 years, and he feels he needs help. So, if you knew all this before you became pregnant, and before you got engaged, then why accept the ring and marriage proposal? Why not give him the time to work on his issues before moving forward and getting too serious with him? If he doesn’t have a handle on his own life, then how can he manage and build a serious relationship with anyone else? He needs counseling and therapy, and all you can do is be supportive of him, but be supportive from a distance. You jumped in head first because you wanted to be married. You felt you could change him, and fix him. You felt that if you stood by his side that he would see you as the dutiful girlfriend who did not abandon him like his other girlfriends, and you were the one who stuck by him and got the ring. But, at what cost? He was cheating on you with other women. And, though it was sexting, I’m sure there was something more. If he’s sexting other women, I’m sure those texts led to something else. But, lo and behold, your ex is doing the very thing you caught him doing before, and he’s doing it with an 18 year old girl from his job. So, he has not changed. He is not working toward resolution of his situation, or his addiction. And, why are you tracking his calls? If you have to go through your phone records to see what your man is doing, and who he is calling and who is calling him, then you don’t have any trust in your relationship. You have no honesty. And, when you confronted him about talking with the girl practically all day he didn’t deny it. He is lying about what is going on between them, but he didn’t deny it because you had proof. And, quite honestly, why is he talking with her all day? Ma’am, your man is cheating. He left you while pregnant, ended your engagement, and gave you some bull-ish reason as to why he doesn’t see your future together. He is not being honest about none of this. So, why not call up his parents and arrange a meeting. Sit down and have a conversation with them alone, without him. Talk with them and get to the bottom of what they really feel about you and your engagement and pregnancy. I’m sure his mother will be more than happy to state her true feelings. And, I don’t believe his father, a pastor, is really that supportive. I think he was being nice to you, but won’t really say what he honestly feels. I’m sure you will get some answers by talking with his parents, and also, discussing how to proceed when the child is born considering they will be grandparents, and I’m sure they will want what is best for the child. I’m certain they want their son to be a father to his child, which is why he told you that he is still interested in co-parenting, and being there for the child. Then, I recommend that once the child is born that you go to family court and put him on child support, and get full custody of your child. You can make arrangements for visitations, and other plans for your child, but don’t let him off the hook. He has left you while you are 5 months pregnant, and ended your engagement. He didn’t give you a valid reason or excuse. Sorry, but he is a jerk. He is part of the problem of why things didn’t go over with his parents. He led you down this nightmare and he is a big part of the problem, so stop being so passive and forgiving. He is a loser. You’re going to have to develop a thicker skin and realize that he is going back and forth with you, and playing on your emotions and feelings. He is not being forthright and honest with you, and he is leading you on. Don’t play his games, because that is what he is doing. He walked out on you. He left you. He decided to end the relationship. You are going to have to be strong these next couple of months, and find a support system that can get you through the pregnancy and the birth of your child. Family, friends, and loved ones can be of great help during this time. I wouldn’t rely on your ex too much. He is playing into your emotions. You have to grow up, stop falling for his back and forth emotional game, and realize that you deserve more and better. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

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Dear Bossip: After We Told His Parents We Were Engaged & Pregnant, He Ended Our Relationship

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Oops, Upside Ya Head: Apparently The Walking Dead Producers Were Ready To Kill Off THIS Character [Video]

Posted on October 26, 2016 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

The Walking Dead Producers Considered Killing Off Pregnant Character Maggie Fans of AMC’s The Walking Dead were left aghast Sunday night during an emotional episode where two of the hit show’s characters were BRUTALLY killed. The producers left the audience hanging for almost a year in horrified suspense as the season finale depicted the death of an unknown member of Rick Grimes’ band of merry zombie killers. Well, now we know who dies, but it appears that the showrunners considered choosing a different head for Negan’s bat to bash… Would the gruesome death of a pregnant Maggie and her seed been taking things a bit too far for you? Image via AMC

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Oops, Upside Ya Head: Apparently The Walking Dead Producers Were Ready To Kill Off THIS Character [Video]

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Dear Bossip: My Husband Cheated With My Friend & I Don’t Know If I Should Stay Or Leave

Posted on October 26, 2016 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am going through this phase no wife should ever have to go through. Eight months ago I found out my husband cheated on me. I was disgusted because the woman he was with was a friend of mine and she was the one who spilled the beans. Instead of apologizing or feeling some type remorse, she was angry! She said how I was so naive not to know what was going on and I would be stupid if I let him slide like this. I confronted my husband that night when he came from work. At first he denied it, then, he burst his emotions out. He said it only happened once and how he couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want to break-up our marriage. And, how eventually, she was after him and he kept pushing her away, which is why she told me everything. I felt so devastated and just wanted to pack my things and go. He insisted I stay and that he truly feels sorry for what he’s done. Fast forward 8 months, and this man has changed a lot. He quit his job and got a better paying one. He helps a lot in the house and we get along so well, even as to say that he has gone as far as to give me his paycheck weekly so I can run our finances and control our spending. I also have control of his phone usage, which shows me all the calls he has made and received (which he doesn’t know). Unintentionally, I found a way to track where he is through his phone – no app was used, just email. From what I see, he holds a clean record ever since. But, there are some days that my mind rewinds back to that day, and things that I see remind me of his infidelity and make me feel as it was yesterday. My wounds feel fresh and I cry alone every now and then. I have become two sides of myself, the one who wants to leave and start fresh, and the one who wants to stay and forgive. He has become a wonderful husband and a great father to our daughter. But, Terrance, how can I make these feelings go away. I was always the first to say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Or, my personal favorite, “You cheat, you’re out the door.” But, could it be possible for a marriage to survive after this, if the husband shows signs of change without pressure from the wife? – Should I Stay or Leave   Dear Ms. Should I Stay or Leave , Ma’am, I’m sorry that you are experiencing this and going through this turmoil. I know it must be difficult to deal with a cheating spouse, and especially when that spouse sleeps with a friend that you know. It’s not as if it is some random woman, but a woman who was part of your life, and someone you considered a friend. That is a stab in the heart. But, yet, here you are. I wish I could tell you that you should leave. I wish I could tell you that you should stay. But, the only one who can make that decision is you. Me, nor anyone else can tell you when to leave your marriage, especially if your husband is doing everything to make things right, and is working toward saving his marriage. He’s apologized, and he’s trying to do right and remain faithful in the marriage. But, the pain is still there. Despite your own personal feelings and ethics that if someone cheats, then it’s out the door, and they will do it again. But, you’re still there. So, you have to decide what is your limit? What is your boundary? What is your low? People say what they won’t do and what they won’t put up with, but when put into that situation or faced with that circumstance it’s not easy and nor is it cut and dry. You’re thinking about your marriage and what you’ve committed to it. You’re thinking about your child. You’re thinking about your families. You’re thinking about your finances, your home, and what you’ll have to go through in the divorce. Will it be nasty? Will it be amicable? But, more importantly, is it worth it to end it and start all over again? If you are still struggling and you find yourself crying and reliving the pain, then it’s time to get into therapy. I highly and strongly recommend that you and your husband seek couple’s therapy to work on your marriage, and to get to the bottom of what happened. You have questions and you want answers, but I don’t feel you got them from him. Why her? Why cheat? What was going on in your marriage that he couldn’t come to you and talk to you about it? Was it convenience? Was it because he could? He says she kept pursuing him after it happened, so what led her to believe that something more was going to happen? How long had they been talking, and flirting? How long had she been pursuing him, and why didn’t he tell you? There are so many questions and very little answers, and you need these in order to heal. Besides, your husband needs to know how this has affected you, and how you are feeling. In therapy you can let him know how deeply hurt you are, what this has done to you and your trust of him. How you feel betrayed. How you feel manipulated and deceived. Let him know that you the pain is still there, and you can’t stop thinking about him being with another woman, especially someone you considered a friend. You’re hurting, and until you seek proper healing and deal with the emotions and feelings, then you will continue to relive it over and over again. However, I do know one thing, that woman should not be in your life in any capacity. She is and was never your friend. She was low down and dirty, and I would consider it a lesson learned. Despite who you think is your friend, and how close you think you are, there are some people you keep at a distance, and out of your marriage, and personal life. She is one of those types of people. It’s sad that someone you considered a friend, and invited into your home would turn around and do what she did. But, it happens. Then, she had the nerve to be mad at you and accuse you of being naïve and clueless as to what happened. You should have slapped the dog -ish out of her. She would know that you are not the one, and she would think twice before she did something like this again. However, like I said, I recommend therapy, and possibly speaking with your pastor, or spiritual advisor. This is not easy, nor is it cut and dry. You mentioned that it was a one time thing, and he’s working toward being a better man, better father, and better partner. Is this enough for you? Can you forgive and move forward? Do you want to forgive? You have to decide what is your limit and your bottom. Before you make any decisions or move forward get into therapy, see if it’s something you want to work on and mend. I’m sure you will get the answers you need if you talk with a certified licensed third party who can assist you as you navigate this new terrain in your marriage. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

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Dear Bossip: My Husband Cheated With My Friend & I Don’t Know If I Should Stay Or Leave

Posted on October 26, 2016 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am going through this phase no wife should ever have to go through. Eight months ago I found out my husband cheated on me. I was disgusted because the woman he was with was a friend of mine and she was the one who spilled the beans. Instead of apologizing or feeling some type remorse, she was angry! She said how I was so naive not to know what was going on and I would be stupid if I let him slide like this. I confronted my husband that night when he came from work. At first he denied it, then, he burst his emotions out. He said it only happened once and how he couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want to break-up our marriage. And, how eventually, she was after him and he kept pushing her away, which is why she told me everything. I felt so devastated and just wanted to pack my things and go. He insisted I stay and that he truly feels sorry for what he’s done. Fast forward 8 months, and this man has changed a lot. He quit his job and got a better paying one. He helps a lot in the house and we get along so well, even as to say that he has gone as far as to give me his paycheck weekly so I can run our finances and control our spending. I also have control of his phone usage, which shows me all the calls he has made and received (which he doesn’t know). Unintentionally, I found a way to track where he is through his phone – no app was used, just email. From what I see, he holds a clean record ever since. But, there are some days that my mind rewinds back to that day, and things that I see remind me of his infidelity and make me feel as it was yesterday. My wounds feel fresh and I cry alone every now and then. I have become two sides of myself, the one who wants to leave and start fresh, and the one who wants to stay and forgive. He has become a wonderful husband and a great father to our daughter. But, Terrance, how can I make these feelings go away. I was always the first to say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Or, my personal favorite, “You cheat, you’re out the door.” But, could it be possible for a marriage to survive after this, if the husband shows signs of change without pressure from the wife? – Should I Stay or Leave   Dear Ms. Should I Stay or Leave , Ma’am, I’m sorry that you are experiencing this and going through this turmoil. I know it must be difficult to deal with a cheating spouse, and especially when that spouse sleeps with a friend that you know. It’s not as if it is some random woman, but a woman who was part of your life, and someone you considered a friend. That is a stab in the heart. But, yet, here you are. I wish I could tell you that you should leave. I wish I could tell you that you should stay. But, the only one who can make that decision is you. Me, nor anyone else can tell you when to leave your marriage, especially if your husband is doing everything to make things right, and is working toward saving his marriage. He’s apologized, and he’s trying to do right and remain faithful in the marriage. But, the pain is still there. Despite your own personal feelings and ethics that if someone cheats, then it’s out the door, and they will do it again. But, you’re still there. So, you have to decide what is your limit? What is your boundary? What is your low? People say what they won’t do and what they won’t put up with, but when put into that situation or faced with that circumstance it’s not easy and nor is it cut and dry. You’re thinking about your marriage and what you’ve committed to it. You’re thinking about your child. You’re thinking about your families. You’re thinking about your finances, your home, and what you’ll have to go through in the divorce. Will it be nasty? Will it be amicable? But, more importantly, is it worth it to end it and start all over again? If you are still struggling and you find yourself crying and reliving the pain, then it’s time to get into therapy. I highly and strongly recommend that you and your husband seek couple’s therapy to work on your marriage, and to get to the bottom of what happened. You have questions and you want answers, but I don’t feel you got them from him. Why her? Why cheat? What was going on in your marriage that he couldn’t come to you and talk to you about it? Was it convenience? Was it because he could? He says she kept pursuing him after it happened, so what led her to believe that something more was going to happen? How long had they been talking, and flirting? How long had she been pursuing him, and why didn’t he tell you? There are so many questions and very little answers, and you need these in order to heal. Besides, your husband needs to know how this has affected you, and how you are feeling. In therapy you can let him know how deeply hurt you are, what this has done to you and your trust of him. How you feel betrayed. How you feel manipulated and deceived. Let him know that you the pain is still there, and you can’t stop thinking about him being with another woman, especially someone you considered a friend. You’re hurting, and until you seek proper healing and deal with the emotions and feelings, then you will continue to relive it over and over again. However, I do know one thing, that woman should not be in your life in any capacity. She is and was never your friend. She was low down and dirty, and I would consider it a lesson learned. Despite who you think is your friend, and how close you think you are, there are some people you keep at a distance, and out of your marriage, and personal life. She is one of those types of people. It’s sad that someone you considered a friend, and invited into your home would turn around and do what she did. But, it happens. Then, she had the nerve to be mad at you and accuse you of being naïve and clueless as to what happened. You should have slapped the dog -ish out of her. She would know that you are not the one, and she would think twice before she did something like this again. However, like I said, I recommend therapy, and possibly speaking with your pastor, or spiritual advisor. This is not easy, nor is it cut and dry. You mentioned that it was a one time thing, and he’s working toward being a better man, better father, and better partner. Is this enough for you? Can you forgive and move forward? Do you want to forgive? You have to decide what is your limit and your bottom. Before you make any decisions or move forward get into therapy, see if it’s something you want to work on and mend. I’m sure you will get the answers you need if you talk with a certified licensed third party who can assist you as you navigate this new terrain in your marriage. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

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Dear Bossip: I’m Dating Two Guys & I Don’t Want To Have Break Either Of Their Hearts

Posted on October 24, 2016 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I am 23 years old and I am financially secure. However, my job that requires a lot of my time. I recently decided that I needed to focus on my personal life and start dating. I started dating two guys. One is a total sweetheart, while the other is a sensitive asshole. Now, I know you might feel this should be an easy choice based off description, but it gets complicated. The sweetheart is 6’3, handsome, and the sex is AMAZING. The downfall is that he is broke. He is taking care of his grandma who is sick, so all his finances go towards their household. He does try to do sweet little things, like cooking me dinner, or buying me a single rose, but I am used to being wined and dined. He is also great with communication, but he can be quite corny at times. With the other the other guy, he is a sensitive asshole. However, he takes me out all around the city. He has even flown me to different cities, but we don’t talk for days at time, and his sex is mediocre. He often likes to belittle others and he is very rude. He likes to talk about himself way too much, also. He is sweet mostly to me, but the way he treats others is a turn off. I want to choose one to focus on because it’s getting quite hectic at work again. I don’t want to break either of their hearts. Please help me with a solution. – A Rock and A Hard Place Dear Ms. A Rock and A Hard Place , Ma’am, this is a no-brainer. Be by yourself and just date. Why do you want to be in a relationship? Why do you feel you have to make a choice? Why make a choice and you’re busy with work, and you won’t have time, and you’re going to cancel dates because of your busy schedule and work life? Just date and have fun. Don’t make this more difficult and feel that you have to make a choice. You don’t. You’re dating. And, dating is just hanging out, enjoying someone’s company, and you have companionship for movies, dinner, brunch, outings, and other social events. That’s dating. So, I don’t understand what choice you feel you have to make. Girl, you folks will make things so hard and difficult when it doesn’t have to be. I swear some of you don’t know the difference between dating and a relationship. And, you wrote that you were interested in dating. Therefore, date. As I stated, dating is not being in a relationship with someone. It is having fun with someone else, going out, and getting to know one another. If you choose to have sex, then make sure you protect yourselves, and enjoy it. You’re not committing yourself to someone by dating. You are exploring the dating scene, and keeping your options open. And, guess what? You can date as many people at one time as you choose. (GASP!) Yes, dating doesn’t make you decide on one person. It’s seeing multiple people and enjoying multiple encounters as you desire. A relationship is when the both of you are interested in being with one another monogamously. You both are seeking to be in a relationship with one another, and you only want to focus on each other. You have decided, after a number of dates, that you want to build a future with that person. You and that person feel that you would be great partners together, and you have strong feelings for one another. You enjoy each other’s company, and companionship. You like being one-on-one with that person and vice-versa. You can see yourself being with this person for the long haul and meeting one another friends, family members, and loved ones. That is a relationship. You are dating two guys. Date them. Enjoy the company, and what each one brings to the table. The first guy seems great, but he just doesn’t have any money to do great and extraordinary things like the second guy. However, the first guy is creative in what he can do, and how he can entertain you. So, enjoy it, and him and stop complaining. He’s a nice guy, handsome, and has great sex. You’re not making him your man, and he hasn’t asked you to be his woman. Therefore, date, have fun, and keep it light and easy. And, it’s commendable that he is taking care of a sick grandmother, and her household. He’s a gentleman and cares about family. He’s attentive, and compassionate. Those are great qualities to have. Appreciate that, and him. And, who knows what may happen in the future. His situation will not always be the same, and it will change. Don’t be so eager to get rid of him for circumstances that are out of his control. The other guy likes to wine and dine you, which you enjoy. That is something you desire in a man. So, you’re getting what you want. However, he is not a nice person. He’s rude, self-indulged, and mistreats others. Besides, his sex is mediocre. What you do like is his money and what he can do for you, like the trips, and dinners. It really shows more about you than about him. If you are willing to put up with all this just so you can get nice dinners, trips, and little trinkets, then you are shallow. But, again, you are dating. So, enjoy the outings, help him improve on the sex, and curb his rudeness and call him out on it. Look, stop making this about a choice. It’s not. You’re dating. So, have fun and enjoy yourself. Let both of them know that you are dating and not looking for anything serious. And, stop being too serious because it’s not that deep. One of them will emerge, and when it’s time to consider a relationship I’m sure one of them will ask you, and that is when you can decide if a relationship is what you want at that time. Until then, neither has asked you to be his woman, so stop fretting, and stop thinking you have to make a choice. You don’t. – Terrance Dean  Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

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Dear Bossip: He Called Us Lovers, Then Disappeared & Only Calls When He Wants Something

Posted on September 22, 2016 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , I was seeing this man for about a year. He defined the relationship as “lovers.” Sometimes, we talked about his feelings for me, and him being afraid of what he felt for me. I was not afraid that I liked him. Well, two months after that year of seeing each other and about nine months of us being intimate, he told me his feelings for me were too intense and he had to stop seeing me. A couple of weeks after that, he told me he made a mistake and wanted to “patch” things up with me. We started talking again for about three weeks and he stopped talking to me again without explanation. Eventually, he gave me another reason after I repeatedly asked him what happened. Since then, he has sent me a couple of messages saying that he still has feelings for me. Now, he has started contacting me again with the main conversation being about sex. We have discussed still liking each other, how we wished things had turned out differently, and missing each other. We haven’t actually seen each other. Today, I really want to see him, I am sure you “catch” this. It’s been about six months. I contacted him today and he said he would help me out and contact me later today. I am sitting here thinking this is a major mistake and I should not see him. Do I love him? No.  I like him. I had a good time with him, and I miss him. Still, I am thinking it is probably a mistake to see him. Tell me what you think – Where Is This Going ? Dear Where Is This Going ? I am going to act like I didn’t receive this letter and that you just didn’t ask me this foolery question of what is going on. There is nothing going on! Nothing. Nada. Zilch. You contacted him because you want some ding-a-ling. And, he said he will get back to you later and help you out. Therefore, you know what this is about. You know what you are asking for and getting yourself into. So, why are you asking me about what you should do? You’re grown. You can do whatever you want and do it with whomever you choose. But, don’t sit up here and try to act like you have no idea why he has been acting the way he does for the past year and a half. You, my dear, were his jump-off. You were nothing more than some ass. Yes, that is what I think. Well, no, that is what I know. The first line in your letter is, ‘He defined the relationship as “lovers.”’ So, what part of that statement are you not clear about? What are you unsure of?  He told you what you two were, plain and simple. He said you were just lovers. If you allowed your relationship to be defined as “lovers” and you went along with the program, then, why are you expecting a different outcome? Is it because you two starting discussing his feelings and where the sexual relationship was going? You, my dear, got caught up. You were the one who let your feelings get involved and tried to change the dynamics of the sexual relationship. You wanted to know if he felt the same as you did. You started inquiring about his feelings and wanting him to define your relationship, and to take it to the next level. So, when he noticed your frequent inquires and need for a relationship status update, he dipped, and stopped communicating with you. Ma’am, he didn’t give you the respect of having a conversation about it, and what was going on. He just left you in the clutch, and you were fine with that. SMDH! But, when he wanted to come thru and get his fix again, he sent you messages, and you let him come back. Still not clear, sweetie? And, all this, ‘his feelings were too intense for me and he had to stop seeing me. ’ Really, Ms. Thing? Really! His feelings were so intense that he had to end the situation-ship, yet, a few weeks later he hit you up to “patch” things up and then after he got what he wanted he went ghost, again? Still not clear, sweetie? I see a recurring and repeating pattern in your situation-ship. Each time you two get together and discuss the status of your relationship, it’s often while you’re engaged in sex. Then after he gets what he wants, he disappears. Hmmm, let me think. Still not clear, sweetie? I am. Every time he reaches out to you, guess what, it’s about SEX. Don’t be naïve. Don’t play coy. And, don’t play with mine, or your own intelligence. You are smart. You’re intelligent. How do I know this, because the last paragraph of your letter you wrote, ‘Today I really want to see him, I am sure you “catch” this. It’s been about six months.’ Look, call it what it is, and accept the fact that you enjoy the sex. You enjoy how he lays it on you. It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay to be a willing participant in a sexual relationship, and you know what it is. Don’t get caught up and don’t allow yourself to get into your feelings about him or if he feels the same as you. He doesn’t. And, to be honest, Ms. Honey, you don’t miss him, you miss the sex. You just don’t want to admit to your friends and those around you that he is not your boyfriend, but a booty call. Hell, you may be in denial yourself about the terms, but not about the fact. So, accept what it is. Call it what it is. And, girl, enjoy it for what it is. Keep it safe, and wrapped up! – Terrance Dean ***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)** Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

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Dear Bossip: I Don’t Feel My BFF Supports Me Or Takes Our Friendship Serious

Posted on August 29, 2016 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Dear Bossip , My closest and longest standing girlfriend of 16 years and I have recently come to an awful fallout. Our relationship was already strained considering I had bumped heads with another one of our mutual friends who did me wrong, and for five years they were cut out of my life. All that changed earlier this year when my mother died suddenly of a brain stroke. Both of my friends attended the funeral and all our beef was immediately squashed given the circumstances. I should have been more cautious, but to be honest I was really happy to have my two besties back in my life. And, at the time, I thought that any petty drama in the future would be avoided as we are mature adults. I was wrong. My initial friend and I have never fallen out before. We may have had some heated moments, but it’s never been a slanging match. Until now. It all started when my girlfriend invited me to her son’s religious confirmation. My other mutual friend is his godmother. But, she was getting married and then having her honeymoon so his event had to be postponed to assure her attendance. The date of the affair was up in the air until further notice. In the meantime, I had managed to locate my biological father. As you can imagine, at 35 years old this was a big thing for me. To celebrate I arranged a night out followed by a party at my house in which my closest friends and existing family could meet my father and new stepmother. On at least 5 separate occasions, I reminded my best friend of the date. I sent her a link to the event that we would be attending and I kept on reminding her that I wanted her and her man to be there. As my other friend was getting married and couldn’t be there, due to being on her honeymoon, to me that was acceptable. When the day arrived my best friend sent a message with my brother saying she couldn’t be there because she had to work. I did not hear from her asking how we got on. This left a bad taste in my mouth, but I did not say anything about it as I was unsure how to approach the situation given our long history of friendship. I was hurt at the fact that she didn’t have the decency to even pick up the phone to call me and let me know herself or even ask me about the DNA results that she knew I was awaiting. The following week our mutual friend returned from her honeymoon. We met up for drinks, as we both live in the same neighborhood, to catch up. Two days later, I’m on Facebook and there is all these photos on my feed of my two friends and her son- celebrating at the son’s event, which I was not told was going to be happening that day. I seriously felt a way as I had just seen the mutual friend for drinks and she did not mention anything about the fact that the event was going to be taking place a matter of days later. Still, I said nothing. The following week was my birthday. While celebrating in Barcelona, both of them messaged me to wish me a happy birthday?! I paid them dust. Fast forward to the present day. After being out of the country for a month and meeting my new family on my father’s side, my brother tells me that my mother’s ashes are to be scattered. Given the situation of how I feel about my best friend – I messaged her and told her that I did not want to see her at the grave site as I was questioning our friendship. I explained to her why I felt the way I did and that whatever condolences she would have potentially wanted to pass along would not be greeted with the best enthusiasm. Instead of righting her wrongs and apologizing- she says that she didn’t know that she was supposed to be meeting my dad and that no friends were invited to her son’s event as it was just ‘Family only.’ I told her that I was disgusted by her behavior and that real friends do not categorize real friends in such a manner. Now, I’m left wondering if I have made the right decision or if I have acted in haste? Thoughts? – A Confused Friend Dear Ms. A Confused Friend , I think you need to clarify with your friend why you have cut her off because I was confused by reading your letter. I wasn’t sure who was who – who was getting married, who was having the religious ceremony for their son. And, when you brought them up again I had to go back to the top of the letter and find out which one was the best friend, and who was the mutual friend, and why you fell out with the mutual friend, but now you all are cool again. I also didn’t follow, and wasn’t clear if you confronted your best friend and told her why you cut her off, or are you expecting her to guess why you are mad at her? Does she, or did she know that she was cut off? And, you want her to right her wrongs and apologize, but for what? Look, you are mad because you were not invited to your best friend’s son’s religious confirmation. However, your mutual friend was invited, and you’re mad because your friend told you that it was “family only.” But, isn’t the mutual friend the “godmother” of the child? So, if the mutual friend is the godmother, then, technically she is “family,” or considered “family.” And, it appears that she is much closer to your best friend than you, considering your best friend asked your mutual friend to be the godmother of her child. So, my question to you is why are you calling her your best friend when it seems that the other woman may be her best friend? (Sips tea) I think you may have given too much credit, and too much credence to your relationship with your so-called best friend. You are not on the same page, and though you may think she is your best friend, she is best friends with your mutual friend. And, before you start dismissing and chopping folks off, I think you need to have a conversation with her as a grown woman and express how you feel, and ask her about your friendship. I’m sure you may realize that you two have different interpretations of your friendship, or what your friendship is about. Now, yes, you have every right to be upset considering she bailed on your reunion and meeting of your father. You did express that you emailed, called, texted, and confirmed with her that you wanted her and her man to be there for the festivities. And, you can confront her about it and ask her what happened. Ask her why she didn’t show up and why failed to show support for an important moment in your life. Again, have a grown woman conversation with her, and find out the reason. I noticed that whenever you have a beef or issue with your friends that you tend to shut down. You don’t say anything, and you don’t confront them about it. You let it fester and then you create this whole scenario of what you think happened, why it happened, and how they did you wrong. You pretend everything is fine and things are all good, yet, you are stewing with being upset, angry, and disappointed. They have no clue that they did something to you, and that you are upset over it. And, then, you just stop speaking, and start pouting and then go to your corner and then when they ask what’s wrong you blow up and make them out to be wrong and bad for something they had no clue over what they did. I am very certain you do this a lot with all of your relationships and with other people in your life. Also, didn’t you say you fell out with both of them at one point, or at least your mutual friend for five years, and it wasn’t until the death of your mother that you and she reconciled, and came back together as friends? So, if this is the case, then if you haven’t spoken to the mutual friend for five years, it may be possible that during that time she and your best friend developed their own friendship and became close. And, your best friend probably didn’t tell you because if there was bad blood, then, I’m sure she was like why mention her if you’re going to bad mouth her when she and her are growing close, and your best friend has a friendship with her independent of you. Ma’am, it’s time to grow up and be an adult, and when someone or something bothers you, then you confront the person gently and lovingly and explain that you are upset by what they did. You talk with them to get clarification over the matter, and see how the miscommunication may have been prevented, and, or, you discuss if something wasn’t clear, or misconstrued. You can avoid a wealth of headaches, anger, upsets, and being mad if you just calm yourself and talk with the other person. I’m sure all disagreements, misunderstandings, and any other concerns can be worked out if you just ask take the time to get very clear and make sure everyone is on the same page. Because, again, you were not at her son’s religious confirmation because you are not family, and if she didn’t express that to you, then, you need to ask her why it wasn’t clear, and if your friendship as her best friend doesn’t constitute you as “family.” You need to be on the same page regarding your friendship and how you interpret best friend, and she interprets best friend, or if you are her best friend. – Terrance Dean ***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)** Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria    Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click  HERE !      

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Dear Bossip: I Don’t Feel My BFF Supports Me Or Takes Our Friendship Serious

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Nate Parker Admits He Was Selfish When Defending Past Rape Accusations And Didn’t Consider Victim, “When I Learned About Her Passing It Shook Me”

Posted on August 29, 2016 by Benny Hollywood| Leave a comment

Nate Parker Apologizes For Lack Of Gender Perspective, Addresses Male Privilege Nate Parker has been getting dragged relentlessly over the past few weeks , ever since details of past sexual assault allegations hit the news . Faced with cancelled screenings and potential backlash against his latest film project, Parker is admitting his initial response to his past being brought up was not the best: According to Ebony reports : After answering a question about why he chose to make “yet another slave film,” Parker addressed the controversy head-on. “I think it’s very difficult to talk about injustice and not deal with what’s happening right now,” the 36-year-old actor and director told the audience. “When I was first met with the news that this part of my past had come up, my knee-jerk reaction was selfish. I wasn’t thinking about even the potential hurt of others; I was thinking about myself.” For the next 12 minutes, Parker discussed learning about things like toxic masculinity and male privilege, while explaining that he isn’t upset the rape allegation has been resurrected. “This is happening for a very specific reason,” Parker explained, referencing God throughout the conversation. “To be honest, my privilege as a male, I never thought about it. I’m walking around daring someone to say something or do something that I define is racist or holding us back, but never really thinking about male culture and the destructive effect it’s having on our community.” Definitely a good start right? There’s more though. Parker spoke at length with the Ebony reporter, discussing how little his 19-year-old self understood about consent and honestly a lot of what he has to say is STILL problematic. EBONY.com: You started out tonight addressing the controversy, and you talked a lot about male culture and toxic masculinity. So I want to kind of compare. What, at 19, did you know about consent? Nate Parker: To be honest, not very much. It wasn’t a conversation people were having. When I think about 1999, I think about being a 19-year-old kid, and I think about my attitude and behavior just toward women with respect objectifying them. I never thought about consent as a definition, especially as I do now. I think the definitions of so many things have changed. EBONY.com: So how does it differ for you? Nate Parker: You mean like where I am right now? EBONY.com: Yeah, as 36-year-old Nate. Nate Parker: Put it this way, when you’re 19, a threesome is normal. It’s fun. When you’re 19, getting a girl to say yes, or being a dog, or being a player, cheating. Consent is all about–for me, back then–if you can get a girl to say yes, you win. Wayment. Did he actually say “a threesome is normal”? As in a threesome with two guys and a girl? That’s normal? Is that something that most people would agree with? Cuz we’re not seeing it. The good news is Parker does OWN up to the selfishness of his initial response: EBONY.com: You mentioned that your initial comments about the resurrection of this incident were self-centered, and from an emotional place on your behalf. So do you understand why people are struggling with… Nate Parker: Absolutely! I understand now, but I was speaking from a standpoint of ignorance. EBONY.com: Two weeks ago, you mean? Nate Parker: Yeah. Well, when you don’t know, you don’t know. It’s like, if I don’t know how to swim and two weeks later I know how to swim, I know how to swim. Honestly, when I started reading them comments I had to call some people and say, What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? I called a couple of sisters that know that are in the space that talk about the feminist movement and toxic masculinity, and just asked questions. What did I do wrong? Because I was thinking about myself. And what I realized is that I never took a moment to think about the woman. I didn’t think about her then, and I didn’t think about her when I was saying those statements, which was wrong and insensitive. I just really wanted to know more about what I was talking about. People were saying, why isn’t he speaking soon? Cuz I still didn’t know nothing. I don’t want…this ain’t the hype for me. Much better. Now we’re getting somewhere. More on Parker’s awakening when you continue. WENN

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Nate Parker Admits He Was Selfish When Defending Past Rape Accusations And Didn’t Consider Victim, “When I Learned About Her Passing It Shook Me”

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