Dear Bossip , My closest and longest standing girlfriend of 16 years and I have recently come to an awful fallout. Our relationship was already strained considering I had bumped heads with another one of our mutual friends who did me wrong, and for five years they were cut out of my life. All that changed earlier this year when my mother died suddenly of a brain stroke. Both of my friends attended the funeral and all our beef was immediately squashed given the circumstances. I should have been more cautious, but to be honest I was really happy to have my two besties back in my life. And, at the time, I thought that any petty drama in the future would be avoided as we are mature adults. I was wrong. My initial friend and I have never fallen out before. We may have had some heated moments, but it’s never been a slanging match. Until now. It all started when my girlfriend invited me to her son’s religious confirmation. My other mutual friend is his godmother. But, she was getting married and then having her honeymoon so his event had to be postponed to assure her attendance. The date of the affair was up in the air until further notice. In the meantime, I had managed to locate my biological father. As you can imagine, at 35 years old this was a big thing for me. To celebrate I arranged a night out followed by a party at my house in which my closest friends and existing family could meet my father and new stepmother. On at least 5 separate occasions, I reminded my best friend of the date. I sent her a link to the event that we would be attending and I kept on reminding her that I wanted her and her man to be there. As my other friend was getting married and couldn’t be there, due to being on her honeymoon, to me that was acceptable. When the day arrived my best friend sent a message with my brother saying she couldn’t be there because she had to work. I did not hear from her asking how we got on. This left a bad taste in my mouth, but I did not say anything about it as I was unsure how to approach the situation given our long history of friendship. I was hurt at the fact that she didn’t have the decency to even pick up the phone to call me and let me know herself or even ask me about the DNA results that she knew I was awaiting. The following week our mutual friend returned from her honeymoon. We met up for drinks, as we both live in the same neighborhood, to catch up. Two days later, I’m on Facebook and there is all these photos on my feed of my two friends and her son- celebrating at the son’s event, which I was not told was going to be happening that day. I seriously felt a way as I had just seen the mutual friend for drinks and she did not mention anything about the fact that the event was going to be taking place a matter of days later. Still, I said nothing. The following week was my birthday. While celebrating in Barcelona, both of them messaged me to wish me a happy birthday?! I paid them dust. Fast forward to the present day. After being out of the country for a month and meeting my new family on my father’s side, my brother tells me that my mother’s ashes are to be scattered. Given the situation of how I feel about my best friend – I messaged her and told her that I did not want to see her at the grave site as I was questioning our friendship. I explained to her why I felt the way I did and that whatever condolences she would have potentially wanted to pass along would not be greeted with the best enthusiasm. Instead of righting her wrongs and apologizing- she says that she didn’t know that she was supposed to be meeting my dad and that no friends were invited to her son’s event as it was just ‘Family only.’ I told her that I was disgusted by her behavior and that real friends do not categorize real friends in such a manner. Now, I’m left wondering if I have made the right decision or if I have acted in haste? Thoughts? – A Confused Friend Dear Ms. A Confused Friend , I think you need to clarify with your friend why you have cut her off because I was confused by reading your letter. I wasn’t sure who was who – who was getting married, who was having the religious ceremony for their son. And, when you brought them up again I had to go back to the top of the letter and find out which one was the best friend, and who was the mutual friend, and why you fell out with the mutual friend, but now you all are cool again. I also didn’t follow, and wasn’t clear if you confronted your best friend and told her why you cut her off, or are you expecting her to guess why you are mad at her? Does she, or did she know that she was cut off? And, you want her to right her wrongs and apologize, but for what? Look, you are mad because you were not invited to your best friend’s son’s religious confirmation. However, your mutual friend was invited, and you’re mad because your friend told you that it was “family only.” But, isn’t the mutual friend the “godmother” of the child? So, if the mutual friend is the godmother, then, technically she is “family,” or considered “family.” And, it appears that she is much closer to your best friend than you, considering your best friend asked your mutual friend to be the godmother of her child. So, my question to you is why are you calling her your best friend when it seems that the other woman may be her best friend? (Sips tea) I think you may have given too much credit, and too much credence to your relationship with your so-called best friend. You are not on the same page, and though you may think she is your best friend, she is best friends with your mutual friend. And, before you start dismissing and chopping folks off, I think you need to have a conversation with her as a grown woman and express how you feel, and ask her about your friendship. I’m sure you may realize that you two have different interpretations of your friendship, or what your friendship is about. Now, yes, you have every right to be upset considering she bailed on your reunion and meeting of your father. You did express that you emailed, called, texted, and confirmed with her that you wanted her and her man to be there for the festivities. And, you can confront her about it and ask her what happened. Ask her why she didn’t show up and why failed to show support for an important moment in your life. Again, have a grown woman conversation with her, and find out the reason. I noticed that whenever you have a beef or issue with your friends that you tend to shut down. You don’t say anything, and you don’t confront them about it. You let it fester and then you create this whole scenario of what you think happened, why it happened, and how they did you wrong. You pretend everything is fine and things are all good, yet, you are stewing with being upset, angry, and disappointed. They have no clue that they did something to you, and that you are upset over it. And, then, you just stop speaking, and start pouting and then go to your corner and then when they ask what’s wrong you blow up and make them out to be wrong and bad for something they had no clue over what they did. I am very certain you do this a lot with all of your relationships and with other people in your life. Also, didn’t you say you fell out with both of them at one point, or at least your mutual friend for five years, and it wasn’t until the death of your mother that you and she reconciled, and came back together as friends? So, if this is the case, then if you haven’t spoken to the mutual friend for five years, it may be possible that during that time she and your best friend developed their own friendship and became close. And, your best friend probably didn’t tell you because if there was bad blood, then, I’m sure she was like why mention her if you’re going to bad mouth her when she and her are growing close, and your best friend has a friendship with her independent of you. Ma’am, it’s time to grow up and be an adult, and when someone or something bothers you, then you confront the person gently and lovingly and explain that you are upset by what they did. You talk with them to get clarification over the matter, and see how the miscommunication may have been prevented, and, or, you discuss if something wasn’t clear, or misconstrued. You can avoid a wealth of headaches, anger, upsets, and being mad if you just calm yourself and talk with the other person. I’m sure all disagreements, misunderstandings, and any other concerns can be worked out if you just ask take the time to get very clear and make sure everyone is on the same page. Because, again, you were not at her son’s religious confirmation because you are not family, and if she didn’t express that to you, then, you need to ask her why it wasn’t clear, and if your friendship as her best friend doesn’t constitute you as “family.” You need to be on the same page regarding your friendship and how you interpret best friend, and she interprets best friend, or if you are her best friend. – Terrance Dean ***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)** Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? S hare your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE ! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE !
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Dear Bossip: I Don’t Feel My BFF Supports Me Or Takes Our Friendship Serious
