Tag Archives: caught-stealing

Dear Bossip , I live in Mississippi and I have been with my spouse for 6 years. We have 4 boys; the last two are twins. The boys love and adore their father, but I’m getting tired of his ways. I have been wanting to leave MS, but every time that I get the opportunity or I talk to him about it he comes up with all types of negative excuses for me not to leave. One of his favorite things to say is “How are you going to make it on your own?” When I met him I had my own place and one son from a previous relationship. He became physically abusive in Feb. 2014, a few days before Valentine’s Day. He has been verbally abusive since my oldest son was one. I have no one because my mother is dead and she lived a street life, so she knew nothing about what I went through; and my dad was very abusive as well, so most of my people think he’s a good guy. I come from a very dysfunctional family. His mother is a wonderful person, but she’s not able to help me without him being involved. In 2015, I’m planning to leave. I had a temporary restraining order on him but it has expired and we are trying to work things out for our kids. But, I’m ready to throw in the towel. He constantly makes negative comments to me and even talks about me if I gain a little bit of weight, and I’m a size 4! I’m just tired and I just want to know how does a person with kids start over somewhere else? I want to follow my dreams of being an actor, but I don’t know where to start. I do have a little bit of experience and I have my certified nursing assistant license to work. I’m also disabled and have been a victim of domestic violence since I was 13 years old. My father called me a b***h at 13, and the names never stopped. Every relationship that I have been in, which has been two, the men put their hands on me and called me out my name. I’m so tired that I thought about going from bisexual to being a lesbian. So, my questions are Mr. Dean – How do I start over and pursue my dream? My second question is if I do decide to have another man again, how do I find someone that won’t abuse me? – Ready To Go Dear Ms. Ready To Go , Ma’am, I’m sorry and I know it must feel awful being stuck in a relationship, and a place where you do not want to be. However, I feel the first thing you need to do is work on you, your self-worth, your self-esteem, and the many underlying issues that are a result to the mental, and emotional challenges and experiences you are presently experiencing. You need professional therapy. Your focus on another relationship is not healthy right now, and you need to get out of this situation before you begin thinking about another one. Unfortunately, what I’m reading is a woman who is desperate for love. Desperate for attention. Desperate for anyone to pay attention to her. And, if you don’t get help and work on these issues, then you will find yourself in this very same situation again. You are focused on the wrong thing! But, hold up! In your letter you dropped the line that you have thought about going from bisexual to being a lesbian. Uhm, sweetie, how can you just drop that sentence in your letter and you never explain this at any other part in your letter?  Does your husband know about your sexuality, and has this hindered your relationship with him? If you’re bisexual, and you’re married, is that another reason as to why you are not happy in your marriage? And, everyone knows that I don’t condone violence, either emotional, mental, verbal, or physical, so, you should not remain in a situation in which you are a victim of domestic abuse. But, I’m concerned that you have allowed your restraining order to lapse, and figured you would work on your relationship for the sake of your kids. I truly feel that is the wrong thing to do. Never ever compromise yourself and your kids for the sake of a man, and what lies he is telling you. If you had a restraining, then I’m sure it was for a very good reason. Make sure to keep it active, and keep away from your abuser. If they’ve abused before, they will do it again. I’m sure you’re feeling like he can change, will change, and will do things differently because he has reassured you that he is a changed man. He’s convinced you that he needs to be a part of his children’s life, and that you and he need to work on your relationship. He’s making promises and telling you what you want to hear. Ma’am, he is lying and he has not changed! Please do yourself and your children a favor and reinstate your restraining order. He will resort to his familiar ways of abusing you very soon, and you will find yourself feeling even more trapped by him. Protect yourself. If you want to leave Mississippi, then you have to devise a plan and put the plan in action. First, since you have your nursing assistance license, then find employment and start saving money. If you want to leave, then save up enough money to last you three to six months. You want to have enough money to move, and get the basic necessities for you and your children. You will have to locate housing, and schools. So, this will require you doing research, and calling around in the city you wish to move to. Second, look for employment in other states that you are interested in going. I’m sure with a nursing assistance license you can find employment. Many hospitals, nursing homes, residential facilities, and other medical institutions are always looking for help. Go online and search and start filling out applications. Third, get into therapy. You need professional help. You have some deep rooted issues that are continuing and lingering throughout your life, especially with the verbal abuse you’ve experienced since you were 13 years old. Why do you keep attracting the same type of men in your life? Why do you keep entering into these abusive relationships? Therapy will help you get to the core of these issues. I also recommend finding suitable resources in your city that can assist you, such as a women’s shelter, or women’s abuse center. I am certain there is one, or a few in your city. Contact them and set up an appointment to meet with them. They can provide you with resources, information, and counseling to help you transition from your situation, and into a more positive and nurturing environment. You need support systems, especially positive and loving ones. Have you thought about your local church, if you belong to one, or some spiritual center where you can build support systems? You need positive reinforcements that can help you and be a bridge of resources and support. You have a lot going on, and you need to become focused, and work on one thing at a time. You’re in an abusive relationship. You have been abused previously. You want to pursue acting. You have a nursing assistance license, but are you working in your field. You want to leave Mississippi. You have four small children. You don’t have any support networks. You are bisexual, and considering becoming lesbian. You notice there is no cohesion in your life. You are all over the place. And, this is what your letter looks like. Therefore, get into therapy. Get into counseling. Find a women’s group, shelter, or center and start with the abuse. Once you work on this, all the other things will become clearer to you. Your relationship is toxic, and you can’t stay in it. He is unhealthy for you and to you. Love yourself. Love your children. Get out of this relationship, and start healing. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:   @ terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop  (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!          

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Dear Bossip: I Want Out Of My Marriage & I Want To Move Someplace Else