Dear Bossip , Here is my problem. I was in an incredible relationship for 6 months that went from 0 to 100 quite fast! But, it wasn’t a bad thing. We both were on the same page. He told his family that he found the woman he wanted to marry and I felt the same way. Well, the problem began due to the lack of communication and the differences in our love language. My love language is gift-giving, but the way I receive love is words of affirmation. He was great at doing this. Here comes the problem. Out of nowhere we started to grow apart around the fifth month. He did not express it to me until after we broke up, which was nearly 3 months ago. He felt that I was not showing him the affection he wanted or deserved. He felt under-appreciated and not loved. I was totally blown out of the water because I felt that it could not have been further from the truth. Like, seriously, I love this man still wholeheartedly and unconditionally and will give my all to prove it. Fast forward to recently. Before we broke up we planned a trip to Jamaica to go to our friend’s wedding. He said we can handle this as adults. The chemistry was undeniable and it could not be hidden on the trip. Needless to say, we just clicked again, naturally, as if nothing happened. But, I could tell that he felt guilty about the chemistry and instant connection (Not that he stopped things from happening). So, I asked if he was seeing someone back home, and his response was, “Maybe.” What the heck does that mean? He said he doesn’t know what to call it. Turns out it’s a chick that he works with that has been eyeing since we been together, and she’d been constantly claiming that she can make him happier. Well, I guess she finally got her opportunity. After a phenomenal week, and amazing chemistry, the harsh reality hit me when she picked him up from the airport and jumped into his arms. He was hesitant I assume because I was standing there, but I can see she was happy to show me that she got her chance. My question is: Could she be the rebound chick or could this be more? He openly admitted to missing me and us in Jamaica, but said I hurt him by not showing him the affection he wanted. I told him then why couldn’t we just communicate these things and work on a solution instead of letting the love potentially die? He said he didn’t know. The feelings I felt in Jamaica were not fake. I know love still lives there, but his ego is too big and I believe he is afraid of getting hurt again. How do I right my wrongs? I do not want to give up on such a good man! I love him too much. I did a private boudoir photo shoot and the photographer made him a book and sent it to him. I asked for it back after the trip. He refused and said, “I love it,” and that I made it for him. I said, but I just sent it to you after we were broken up and now you have a new woman. I believe he knows he stills loves me, but don’t’ know if he wants to take the risk. Love is worth all the risks right? You can’t love fully unless you are willing to let go completely. Do you think I am wasting my time or do you think I still have a chance? I asked him was he happy and he said yes. He said she shows affection. I said what about the other eighty percent, love has a ebb and flow. It’s not always good, but it ain’t always bad either. What do I do? I want my man back before it’s too late! I l feel like she had the inside track and used it to her advantage. He was vulnerable and she helped him through it. I’m not blaming her but I want her gone and him back home! Help me! Why are men so full of pride? How do I fix my relationship? – Want Him Back Dear Ms. Want Him Back , Sigh!!! Deep sigh!!! Real deep sigh!!!! Let me do some whoo-sa’s and calm my spirit. Honey, please, for the sake of yourself, and for all of us, stop begging this man to take you back. It’s over. It’s done. He’s moved on. And, I’m for real when I say this, but do you all read your letters back to yourselves, out loud, before you send them in? You answer your own letters! In the very first paragraph you said, “Well, the problem began due to the lack of communication and the differences in our love language. My love language is gift-giving, but the way I receive love is words of affirmation. He was great at doing this.” If he broke up with you because he said you did not show him affection, and he felt under-appreciated and unloved. And, if the way you demonstrate love is through gift giving, and your man wants and needs affection, and he wants to feel appreciated, and he wants to feel loved, then boo boo, you can’t buy those things. Those are emotions and feelings that are done through physical and verbal actions. You can’t buy love! You can’t buy someone! Money and gifts does not equate love. So, why were you floored and shocked that he ended it? This is not rocket science. Your relationship is over because, as you stated, there was a difference in your love language. He wanted one thing, and you wanted another. You got what you wanted. You admitted that when you said that he was great at affirming his love to you. Yet, you didn’t do your part. You didn’t express your love to him the way he wanted. Now, he is with a woman that is doing what you should have been doing from the beginning. He is with another woman who ran and jumped into his arms when he returned from his trip to Jamaica with you. You notice that her act of affection, and attention when he returned, was the very thing he was seeking from you all along. So, let’s answer your other questions: How do you fix your relationship? Ma’am, you don’t have a relationship. The hell! You are truly delusional. He broke up with you. You are no longer together. He is with another woman. There is nothing to fix. Jesus take the wheel! Do I think she is the rebound chick or something more? Who knows, but for right now she is giving him the affection and attention he is seeking. She’s making him happy, and he obviously isn’t interested in dumping her to get back with you. So, what do you think? How do you right the wrongs? Ma’am, you learn from them. You take the lessons, learn from them, and make sure to do better the next time so that you don’t repeat them. Is love worth all the risks? Yes, love is. But, he is not in love with you. You’re in love with him, and in order for it to be reciprocal, and worth the risk, then two people have to be willing to fight for it. He’s moved on. He’s decided that he is better off without you. You’re the one chasing him. You’re the one running after him. He isn’t reaching out to you, or even said to you that he is willing to give it another try. He’s not interested. Do I think you are wasting your time, or if you have a chance? Well, as a betting man, I think you are wasting your time. Your relationship lasted six months, and in the fifth month things began to unravel. It was in the fifth month that you should have sat with your man, talked with him, and made the adjustments so that you can move forward. The two of you should have worked together to get on the same page, and discuss the challenges of the relationship. But, here is my thing: The fact that he is already with the other woman, his co-worker, this says a whole lot. They obviously had been eyeing one another prior to him dating you. I don’t believe that once you started dating that she all of a sudden showed up. This has been an ongoing thing between them. And, yes, she got what she wanted because he was going back to her and talking about his relationship with you. Thus, she listened to what he was complaining about in you, and she became the woman he wanted you to be. (That bish is fierce!) And, that little get together while you were in Jamaica was just that, a little get together. He had sex with you, rekindled with some familiar coochie, and you do notice that when you got back home he went home with her. I’m sure that there were some feelings while you were on an exotic island, and at a wedding so love was in the air, it’s romantic, beautiful, and everything a Hallmark card is made of, but reality set in when it was time to go home. He was reminded of all the reasons of why he broke up with you, and what he had waiting for him when he returned home. Yes, he may have been vulnerable and he really wanted things to work with you, but you didn’t give him what he needed or what he wanted. And, he didn’t think you were, or that you are worth the investment. Girl, please learn from this experience. It’s time to heal your heart, and focus all that energy on yourself instead of trying to get him back. Use that energy to become a better you. Use that energy to love yourself. Don’t chase someone who doesn’t want to be with you, and they are not chasing you in return. Don’t make someone a priority when you are an option for them. Don’t give your all if they are not giving you their all. – Terrance Dean Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean : loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter : @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook , click HERE! Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15), and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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Dear Bossip: He Broke Up With Me Because He Didn’t Feel Loved & I Wasn’t Affectionate Enough, But I Want Him Back!
